Although this seems so new
I’ve known you for years
And while you’ve grown up a lot
Since our days of kissing on concrete
Your soul emits the same beautiful waves
That I fell in love with 5 years ago.

So as we walk around the pet store today
My heart is screaming
I love you
And the anxiety squeezes my organs into nothingness
Pouring acid through my insides
And burning until I build up the courage
To translate my internal dialogue
Into something real
Because it’s not real if I don’t say it

*I’m ready to say it

Eyes ache with loads of uncried tears
As my chest caves with the weight of
A heart that can't live freely
I just want to live
I want to be alive
I want to be free in this life
To have one at all
Because I'm so stuck right now
Trapped behind my own mind
And I'm grateful that it's protected me
But I am safe now
I don't need such high security
I don't need to be on guard with everyone
It's ok to be afraid and to not trust
But it doesn't help if I can't open up
I feel so alone
Yet I maintain that same state
I have people that truly care and love me
But I don't let them see me
My mind doesn't want to be vulnerable
It thinks others will see it as a weakness
And the weakest are the easiest to break
I'm afraid to get hurt again
I can't handle becoming another target
Which is extremely ironic considering
I'm the one the aiming the gun
At the most genuine piece of my soul

I've noticed something
Over the past few years.
No matter how hard you close your eyes
It doesn't stop the tears.

My stiff arms hit the metal of the door as I force it open, against
the chilled fist of wind, pounding hard upon the glass
windows and then equally upon my face and forearms. It had to be
below 50 degrees, but I had hoped that the cold could help me
feel again. Feel something. Unfortunately,
this ice only froze my fingers, leaving
my body as numb as my mind.

Later, as I rid my machine of the cloth concealment, protecting
the scars laced into my skin. The water boils as I
examine my life-lines, these battle scars, in the mirror and
can only cringe in thought of the disappointment drowning
the faces of those I care about most: their eyes
drooping down with the weight of eyebrows, creased
diagonally, half shock and the other half burning
discontentment. They purse their lips and stab my eyes
with their daggers, when I chuckle nervously.

I shake my head of these thoughts from my speculation and
step into the steam, hoping the heat could help me
feel again. However, the fire does not scorch my
body, nor incinerate the emptiness, it only slides
down the marble sculpture my body feels to be
(equivalent to the concrete barrier that builds behind my eyes)

A small child
Only 6 or so,
Runs inside from a long day's play.
So young and full of energy.
Shouldn't have a care in the world,
Except for the specks of mud on the floor,
Left by his own foot.
His father, a large and logical man,
Raised the boy right;
Manners and all in tact.
Yet when he walks into the kitchen,
While the boy is at the kitchen sink, washing his little hands,
He sees the mud.
And the boy sees him,
Smiles up at him with his missing-tooth smile,
But the dad doesn't see;
He only sees mud.
He storms over in two strides,
Grabs the boy by the collar and drags him to the spot on the floor.
The boys heart is racing,
A mile a minute.
Never seen his father so terrifying,
So horrifying;
Until a moment later.
As his grip released him, he fell to the floor.
He wasn't hurt then,
But he would be,
As his father's fists raised and fell upon his small body.
Impossible not to feel the bruises already beginning to form below his immature skin.
"Stop it! Why would you do that?" My mind screams at the man not worthy of being even called a father,
and for the boy as he crawls away into the next room and collapses at the foot of the stairs in tears.
"How could you do that to him?! He doesn't understand! He's just a little kid! He doesn't understand.."
My heart and mind scream together,
lined with hatred, through sobs of tears.
And then I see his future:
Self hatred.
Yeah he'll go far in school, he's a smart kid, but his emotional damage is irreversible.
Quiet because he forgot how to talk,
Never smiling because he knows what people are capable of.
He sees the world in a negative light, but it's his reality.
No trust, no love,
Just alone with his thoughts.
And that's when he's finally safe.

Day dreams of us
Tangled in white sheets
Your arms wrapped around me
My lips pressed firmly against yours
A pause for air and I breathe you in
Minutes pass like seconds
Our time is always fleeting but
Every moment with you has me awe struck

I'm grateful for this and for you
Your energy holds me to the ground
Wrapping into my own like puzzle pieces
Two hearts with the same beat
We move together as one
Rhythmic, yet so unique
Everything is quiet but us

When I saw you for the first time
I knew you were special
The first day we hung out
I knew I would fall for you
And the descent was unbelievable
Our connection magnetic
Unexpected and magical
I can't help but regret nothing

I don't know if you realize that
In so many ways I am yours
I belong to me but
My heart has been locked and
You have the key
I give in to the intensity and
Embrace the complications
Face the fears that can hold me back
Because nothing and no one
Can change how I feel for you
How incredibly gay you make me
And how right it feels when I'm in your arms

This love is unexplainable
And it's depth undeniable
Thank you for being you
And taking a chance with me
You mean the absolute world
And I love you endlessly

Your hand in mine,
I feel grounded
When I'm with you
The stress melts away
My body on yours is electric
Both exciting and calming you say
It still feels so inconceivable
That we met and I've fallen
So hard for your gorgeous soul
Luck and the universe were good to me
Chance and coincidence my allys
And for being a part of your life
I'm grateful beyond words

I can't take all these thoughts
And emotions running through my brain.
It's so much, too much
I think I'm going insane.
So I'll blast my head
With some music and stay,
I'll try to forget the world
And start slipping away.
Not a thing can make this any better for me.
Not a word could help, my heart's taunting me.
I'll just hang on for the ride
For the sun'll come again,
And the darkness will fade away
Along with most of my pain.

I'll keep you safe
From the things that I can.
But you can't hide from hate.
Or from deception.
I hope you'll be ready
When you see the world isn't good
Learning the hard way just how things really work.
How you're fate is in your own hands
That others don't decide who you are, only you can.
Stay on the good path.
Find your way to happiness.
I may not always be here for you
But I try when I can, to help you prepare for the truth
That everyone keeps hidden.
What isn't talked about until you get there yourself.
The pain,
Sorrow
Anger
Envy
And hatred.
I know you can't understand yet
How could you in your perfect world?
But one day you'll have to grow up too.
Just know I'm here to help you through it all.

Tis the season of Christmas music
So I decided to check on Pentatonix
Excited to see a new album out
I delve into it a month early
Whenever I hear them singing
I love and appreciate the art
But a part of me craves that one album
Because I know it'll bring me back

It was an interesting point in my life
I loved a girl who loved me and
I asked her dad for his blessing that month
Her homophobic mom invited me to their dinner
I finally felt more accepted
Even though it was super awkward
We were really happy at that point
I honestly don't know what changed
I don't regret it so much as I don't understand

But I do know that Christmastime
Has been extremely difficult ever since
We spent a few weeks at her dads house
In the middle of nowhere
We cut our own Christmas tree and
I bonded with her dad with call of duty
Our sweet kittens played together
And we got a much-needed break from school

It's hard to look back at that time
My heart hurts even though the memories are positive
I miss her a lot sometimes
Mostly because I feel as though
That relationship was unfair to her
I was emotionally unavailable
But I didn't know it
And I know she messed up too but
We both made mistakes in it all
I just sometimes wish I had had
The tools needed to address the problem

I didn't know what was happening
I didn't know what I was feeling
I knew I was unhappy and hurting
But I didn't understand why
I think what's hard about this one
Is that I can retroactively label it all
Unfortunately that doesn't actually match
All of the things that I said back then
I was cruel to her
Because I knew it'd make her let me go
And I needed to be alone and free
But I chose a twisted path to get there
And for that I'm sorry

I want to bleed ink
Stain this paper with beauty
Leak words endlessly that
Take your breath away
My heart could regurgitate
Anything painful
Anything wonderful
Anything there
And I could feel numb
Then free.

Unspoken feelings, they cry out in the night.
You hold my heart frozen, so wrong but so right.
My dreams scream for you, my body aches in withdrawal.
Baby you're a drug and I'm in for the haul.
Addicted to the pain, addicted to the feeling.
I'm an addict, a lover, just a human being.
You were never good for me, that's what you would tell.
I said I'd stay standing, but so quickly I fell.
One kiss, one touch, one day at the park.
My love it unravels, but only alone in the dark.
I never had told you, the way I really felt.
As you'd hold me so close, my heart it would melt.
You made me feel safe, for once in my time.
The happiest I've ever been, when I thought you'd be mine.
Yet I was sadly mistaken, just lost in a haze.
I was high off your love, but for you it was solely a phase.

I am on the edge, teetering
Cool breeze splashes across my cheeks
As pebbles crumble to the Earth beneath
Bitterness dances across my tastebuds
Fear and pain electrifying my bloodstream
I am both pushed forward by fear and
Pulled back by grief
My chest feels empty, cavernous
Lonely
At the top of this cliff I must realize
I have spent my entire existence
Scaling this mountain of labels and advice
Searching for my truth in the lies of many
Dissecting myself into pieces to find
Exactly the part that is wrong
The piece I can remove or fix
To suddenly become whole,
Real, valid,
Normal
Alive
And now
Standing upon the cliffside
Staring down at the jagged edges
Rexperiencing the solid footholds
The close calls,
The danger and the pain
I realize that my truth doesnt exist out here
There is nothing wrong with me,
This isn't that easy
I have reached the top, looked outwards and found nothing
I came in search of answers and found the truth instead
There are no answers
I am enough
My emotions are not the enemy
Who I really am is not an outward destination
My truth has and always will live within me
I have the power to change my life
I just need to
Be Still
Listen
And know

Fresh baked bread
Layered in death and vegetation
My insides burn with withdrawal
It's been almost 24 hours now
How much longer will it take?
To either cave in unwillingly
Or to die painfully slow?

If I had not forgotten my cash
I'd have given in to my survival drives
I'm happy I forgot it
Because I can't stomach the idea of food
Let alone choke down something so revolting
Only because it pulls me further away from death

Instead I flood my veins with nicotine
Desperately trying to curb these cravings
My legs threaten to give out
With each step I take
Even now, scratching this among global fem notes
Dissociated entirely from class
My hands won't stop shaking

Is it nerves?
Or physical deterioration?
Or the panic lying under the surface?
Deafening screams ricochet through my mind
As I try to drown these feelings
But they won't disappear

I've dropped significant weight
And I don't want it back
I don't feel the need to lose more
But still it falls away
And eventually leaves nothing but skin and bones
Fueled by electrifying anxiety

My depression
feels
as though
my heart has
turned
to stone
and sank my chest
so close to the ground that
I can feel the gravel
Scraping apart my raw skin
and as I float
helpless
between defeat
and perseverance, my
insides begin
to rot,
as though my
stomach acid has
crept through my veins,
disintegrating my
heart strings and
slowly consuming
my lungs
only enough so that
death seems promising
I welcome it
with open arms;
Beg for it.
And then,
I catch my
Breath
and
It begins again.

Coral leaflets sway through my attention, singing with the wind's path. Lemon accents separate as sting rays of warmth and light swim toward the earth. 88 degrees tickle my skin as small beads begin to perch upon my brow, patiently, until they join the body of crisp bits between myself and the trees around. Or it may simply evaporate into the embrace of Autumn.
Above, black veins creep through the lemon and coral maze, snuggly holding onto their nestlings, ready at any moment to let them fly.

I am so confused.
When I'm near you, it's like my body, electrified, simply wants to collide with yours. Not even in a ****** way, I just want to hold your hand and to walk next to each other with our arms touching.

I had been staring at your hand for probably an hour and all I wanted to do was hold it.
And I knew that was okay because we talked about it,
but I was scared to try.

Yet, when our hands collided, it was pure explosions across my entire body and you felt like home. We were together for hours and it felt like mere minutes.

Your voice and your laugh and your smile are amazing and I would do a lot for that.

It's driving me crazy that it's all in my head
And then I wonder if it really is all in my head
and if I am just that broken

I'm going ******* nuts
Crazy as hell
Thoughts turn over themselves
In no sort of order.
I say it's just that time
Seasonal depression is terrible
But to be honest I just can't admit
That I need help with this disorder.
I'm afraid
Because I know what I'm capable of
The difference this time is what's on the line
And it's never been this bad before.
I feel it intensifying
And even worse I've made a critical decision
(No longer letting people see that something is wrong)
And I know there will be consequences in store.
I've got the mask prepared
I've become too open lately
To the point where it happens on its own
And now it's provoked an internal war.

Cold white layers pile over the grey concrete
I did not expect the storm but I
Needed to face the journey
Someday
We knew it could not last forever

And in that moment
An accident in my vision,
Maybe the music screaming into my ear
Distracted me from the obvious truth that lie
Just through the windowpane
Leading to a collision straight into reality

Your words, the concrete divider
That hit hard enough to take deep damage
Yet not hard enough to stop me from moving forward
The unexpected truth that came at the least expected moment
My ignorance overlooked the obvious signs
That i could not stay safe forever
Not at the speed we drove..

My skin hugged my knuckles tightly
Enough to match the descending snow
As I knew from the first swerve
Your first word
That inevitable fate
I surely faced
Death loomed close in my mind

But I drove on
Grabbed the wheel and forced my way through
The place where I felt nearest to the grave
Until I reached a safe enough space to see for myself
Just how much damage I endured

And, like my car,
I am totaled
Broken into pieces that cannot be reframed
Some lost at the point of collision
Others gradually passing over time
And some still holding on

In the eyes of an astonished mechanic
The car shouldn't even start
And according to everyone else
I should be dead
But I'm not

And though neither the car
Or my own life will ever fully
return to their original condition
We still drive on
Moving forward on the unpredictable
Icy
Deadly
Highway of life

I am worth love
This body is a part of me
It is beautiful as it is
My worth is not defined by others
I accept my flaws with
Everything they bring
I am not alone
My friends actually care
My relationships are healthy
I love my partners through anything
I am strong
My depression does not define me
I control my own future
I do what I want
I am living my best life
I am happy

Call me by my name while I fight this hold of shame.
It's a wave that crashes over, way above my head and shoulders.
Keep hinting at how you feel, still your poor heart I won't steal.
Couldn't bring myself to destroy, one of such a sweet boy.
Don't throw your life away, cause I'm not here to stay.
Don't think I'm yours to miss, it was simply just a kiss.
I warned you of my demon, you heard every possible reason.
Yet you still pursued, and now you feel used.
When really I did it all for you, for I never wanted to.

They say that love is forever
I've listened to the same song
Hundreds of times over the years
Your forever is all that I need
Single, taken
It's always sounded sweet
Please stay forever with me
But as I sang the words
Can't promise that things won't be broken
They felt empty in my heart
I swear that I will never leave
Love songs sound a little sweeter now
Please stay
You fill the space that's been empty so long
Forever with me

My heart is dead
no, I don’t have one at all
every time I start to feel something
my mind constructs a new wall

No one can break through it
but so many have tried
and the closest voyager
may nearly have died

Poison soaks the bricks
like a rabid dog’s mouth
the uncontrollable leaking
kills many without a sound

If they passes the wall
and do not fall ill in return
the next obstacle will surely
end with them burned

A 10ft wall of flames
threatens those near with claws
reaching closer and closer
and scorching them raw

If those flames were extinguished
for a split second of distraction
they could trek one step closer
to the main attraction

After poison and flames
fail to protect my castle
the final test must work
to prevent total disaster

Cerulean seas splash against wood
and spans across the land like a highway
within the depths of the waters
lie the souls of the wounded that can’t fly away

Bones and shattered hearts
line the base of my security
with a step into the water
the next will be history

And yet only one has
made it to the center
Only one lover
could truly understand the endeavor

But, alas, as expected
she perished as well
A ***** trap triggered suddenly
launched her far out of my hell

So here I sit
Upon my throne
Safe from my feelings
But all alone

My therapist asked me
If I like you because I like you
Or because you like me
Ironically enough
I knew I liked you
Before we even talked about it
And now as I lay in my bed
I'm daydreaming about blanket forts
And Disney movies
And cuddling in the warmth of our fortress
Although I never know when I'll see you next
I'm always looking forward to it

I walk along the river
A lightly treaded path
Untouched by most
Where did my adventurous spirit go
I no longer feel the thrill.
Where are you?
I wonder as I gaze across the water
Why am I here?
My fingers graze the long grasses
Careful as the muddy path narrows
Bending closer towards the water
Each step becomes calculated
I can hear the ground
Mushing under my shoes
My heavy heart weighing me down
Dragging my legs like lead
Down down down
I want to stop
I want to turn back
This road is so lonely
And I feel so lost
Screams echo in my mind
Past mistakes and present expectations
Clang and screech
Like metal on metal
As my legs tremble beneath me
Giving out til the mud ***** in my knees
And my hands grasp at the sopping ground
I want to dig my fingernails into something
Anything solid
Crawling and pulling
I drag myself forward
Until my body collapses into the water
Like a lifeless sponge
The current pulling me in like sweet release
Except when I finally sit up
And stare into these depths beneath me
My reflection doesn't exist
Instead
The sky stares back at me
Blue and promising
And i know i need to keep walking
Because I'm not there yet

There is no true definition
For what we strive to be
For what we want people to see
And what we never feel.
Being strong is not a choice
It's a state of being
It's beyond seeing
And it stands high.

True strength is forced upon you
When you can't take it anymore
And life keeps handing you more
But you don't have the choice to fall.

It becomes a habit
Turns into who you are
No way to sway too far
Near the way you used to be.
No longer caring
You become cold
Now being bold
In the very worst of ways.

Because as I hide behind my pain
I push everyone away
And face each and every day
With a mindset of fighting alone.
My friends don't see it
The struggle and pain
With their stares of vain
Not breaking my barriers.

I know it's gone too far
"Strength" taking over my fear
I watch my friends disappear
And still don't let them see my pain.
But the words haunt me deep
"You wanna shut yourself in go ahead"
I feel him giving up on me
"I'm trying to help you"
"I'm sorry"

She never loved me
She only loved the way I loved her
She never wanted me
Just wanted me to want her
She didn't care about me
Only about how I could benefit her
She never saw me
She saw the way I looked at her
She never heard me
She only heard enough to make her mad
She made me the center of her universe
Until someone better came along
Someone who gave her more
More of whatever she needed in that moment
She said she'd never do something that she didn't want to do
Even if it would help her partner in some way
She said she hated being selfish
(Or hated being called selfish)
But she didn't know how to change
She didn't know how to care
And all I ever wanted from her
Was to give a **** about me
Even half as much as I did for her
I didn't want material things
I didn't want empty words
I didn't even need affection
I just wanted her to care
And she never did

I take comfort in knowing
I could jump if I wanted*

My legs swing over the cliffside
Kicking away the loose foundation
Crashing waves echo across the dirt walls
While the sun paints my back.
I feel nothing but these icy winds
Chilling my limbs until they match my frozen heart
The rising hairs and bumps along my arms prove I'm alive
I wish my mind worked the same way.
If I could, I'd spend forever by the water
Watching, listening, feeling
Connecting to the earth that surrounds me
Bleeding ink onto this notepad until I feel numb again.
But life is never perfect and
I have to finish my degree
I feel stagnant and powerless
Stuck until I finish my commitments

Unless I make the choice to stop breathing

And instead live forever
As one with the sea

Lost and out of place
Fueled by my feelings
Not sure of my purpose
But I feel for you

I want to write you something
But these words are never enough
Your perfect smile
And your complex eyes
The immense connection existing in
The space between us

I am limited by this language
And as a writer
That's frustrating as hell

I never understood the idea of 'voices'
Until I heard it one night
Maybe the drugs had me hallucinating
Except I still hear them.

I used to believe
that all my thoughts belonged to me
that all my demons were a direct link to my being
But the words I hear now aren't my own.

The first instance felt like paranoia:
Thoughts racing through my mind
Unnecessarily dramatic with a shred of potential truth.
Except I can't make them stop.

It felt much more like
Someone throwing knives into the paper walls of my consciousness
Quick, unexpected, unsolicited
Each thought slid through so easily
The scraping noise of ripping paper echoed in my mind
His words dripping from the reverberating sound waves
The deafening sound blocking out all oppositional thoughts

I feel powerless.

Today they still speak
There's more than one now
The first questions my relationship
The newest judges all of my decisions
Together they taunt me with these
Intrusive and uncontrollable thoughts
That make me want to die so much more
If that's even possible.

"She's only using you, y'know"
No, she loves me
"Are you sure? Then why is she kissing differently?"
I don't know, but it's fine
"Ha, yeah ok, we'll see"
Anxiety, anxiety, anxiety
"Bet you she's thinking of him now"
"Why do you even try?"
"You're going to die anyway"
"Why not tonight?"
"We'll make it quick, painless"
"I promise"

I feel my energy depleting
My hopes sinking further into the black hole in my mind
I'm grasping for something to hold onto
But all I feel is air between my fingers
I'm slipping further away from sanity
And I'm letting my body die slowly by not eating
I should just give in
Death is my destiny

*Just keep breathing

I must admit
That I hadn't
Thought about our song
For quite a while now
But I would never forget it

I remember you playing it for me
Your amazing voice echoing across the walls
Of that small, somewhat creepy, practice room
I remember how I could feel
This energy between us that
Fueled those lyrics' creation

You've always been a beautiful writer
I was definitely jealous when I first read it
That day we sat in the library
You were supposed to be working
But we've always made our own rules

I wish I could explain
The hurt I feel while reading our past
So clearly plastered across this bright screen
Similar to how I feel
While replaying these memories
But it's complicated
And I've always been bad with my feelings

I'm sorry I've been quiet these days
I have other poems in the works
That might better explain where I'm at
But it doesn't mean I don't care

I reread your texts a lot today
Trying to decide if it's worth it
To engage in conversation
When it just always ends the same way
My feelings and thoughts
Could never agree
So I didn't say anything back

I'm listening to that song you sent me now
I wasn't sure what you meant by it
And I'm not fond of the sound
But I feel and think of you
When I hear the lyrics

And speaking of songs
My heart basically stopped today
Because my new Spotify
Includes a playlist with depressing music
And of course it played "I've Given Up on You"
It reminds me of you undeniably
But the title means something different this time

I don't want you to think that
I've given up on you
And assume that my silence
Means that I don't care
I love you
I always will
But you're also bad for me right now

Your aggression
While possibly justifiable
Hurts my soul and
Absorbs all of the energy
That I need
To take care of myself
And others

But I am still here
I'm a phone call away
I can't say we can be friends at this moment
Because it was harder for me
Than I had thought it would be

But don't think I don't remember
And don't think I don't care
Because you're still everywhere
From the music I vibe to
And the games I can't play
But more than anywhere else
You're in my thoughts and memories
And those still torture me

You put up a wall and I tried to climb
But the jagged stones were coated in poison
One ***** sent death straight to my heart
And now I cannot breathe

And the next day I return to that place
To find that the wall has been dismembered
But that toxic chemical still courses through my veins
And I can't just let you see

I know you didn't mean it
But **** it's killing me
I know it wasn't your intent
But the poison's burning me

It's eating at my organs and arteries
Until blood floods my lungs again
And when you kiss me
I give in but at a distance
Cause you don't deserve this feeling
And I don't deserve to breathe

I was born with a seed in my heart
It came from both of my creators
Just a piece of dust
Undetectable by any doctor
And that was ok.

At 12, strangers watered that seed
I knew I felt different than the other kids
But I didn't know about the tree
that began its adventure inside me
I didn't see it coming

Over the years,
With water and heat
The roots clutched to my insides
******* the life out of my bones
And crushing my organs to dust

The physical punishment
The emotional tolls
The years of debating whether to run or stay
Added fertilizer to keep this creature from dying

I sought love from boys
Trying to **** it with a drought of positive emotion
But they only changed the soil
Because I couldn't find the love I needed
So instead the trunk began its ascent

And then he came along
Someone who truly loved me
Someone I prayed desperately to love
But I couldn't
And he didn't love me

As a "friend" he destroyed my perception of my body
As a "lover" he destroyed the entire thing
Every instance budding new branches
That intruded my lungs
Burning a hole in my chest with every breath

Year after year
Scar after scar
What started as a seed
Sprouted into an enormous tree
Spreading throughout my entirety

The rustling of leaves in my brain
left me awake for days at a time
The roots pumping poison into my stomach
leave me physically ill without a cure
The rough bark rubbed my insides raw
and made me irritable and angry

But I could not cut it down
Or even trim it anymore
The seed lodged into my heart,
A predisposition for depression
Could not be changed
Cannot be changed
And now the disease is too deep to cease

So instead I carve into my skin
Hoping to reach the bark
Enough to make the pain more tolerable
To make some space to breathe
And the medicine that should destroy it from the inside out
Simply prolongs the process
Because it grows more every day
And one day it could **** me.

I've spent so long
Chasing after butterflies
Following the flutters
And rarely touching the ground
Mistaking the excitement of new
For the deepness of love
I've come and gone so many times
Feeling waves of lust wash over me
Partially "in" at any moment
With one foot always ready to step out
Letting the past drip away
As new feelings flood back in
In this new life I notice glimmers
The sparks of energy from before
Sunshine glinting off the water
The breeze echoing off butterfly wings
What once consumed me entirely
Now barely asks for pause

When I met you, the entire world stopped
When we kissed, the earth shifted beneath us
I fell in love with your soul as it danced with mine
That first day and every one after.

You are not the flutters, you are the life propelling them
You are not waves, but the moon commanding the sea
You are you and I am me and somehow
The Universe brought us together
I love you more than I've ever known
And I want to give you everything
My soul knows yours so intricately
And I'll love you for all of eternity

I want to let you in
I want to let you see me
I know in my heart that
The universe brought us together
Right now, I'm scared to open the door
Standing at the precipice of my deeper self
It could be so easy to give you the keys
But parts of me feel cemented to the floor
The fear is stone cold against my soul
Clawing away at my breath and my composure
This risk could change everything
Strengthen or shatter this precious connection
I've shown you my pain before
But you don't know of this
The secret space nestled into me
An echoing void that feels so empty
Something is missing here
Something belongs there
But I don't know what it is
I've spent so long cramming this cavern full
Of *****, love, and drugs
And it always drains out again
Because
These things won't make me whole
And I don't know what will

Emptiness rings heavy in my chest
Echoing demands are overwhelming
I thought I figured this out already
Settled the storm that rages inside me
I guess it's just one of those things
A problem without a clear ending
A lifelong battle I have with myself
Winning or losing, it's all the same thing

This dark hole is a part of my soul
Not just a stain that washes away
The Void lives and breathes and beckons
It's more than a place that I can escape
I've ran and fought and conceded
Fed it everything it's craved
Nothing could ever be enough for it
It's made of more than empty space

Constucted from trauma and pain
By social lies of what happiness means
It's deeply fueled by insecurity
The Void is built on broken dreams
It won't ever let me feel whole again
So it say I'm just a broken thing
Even though I know that it's lying
I'm still tempted to give it everything

Heavy, the dark clouds descend
Pressing down upon my shoulders.
I fall to my knees as I try to scream,
But my lungs will barely breathe.
Thick ash coats my throat,
The sweetness of death
Dancing across my tongue.
Thoughts like electricity
Shocking all of me,
Interchangeably.
Forehead meets concrete with desperate force;
The pain a mere whisper
Against a raging wall of emotions.
I beg for death to break this hell
My own consciousness the walls of this prison.

On the outside I am calm:
Still, silent, high-functioning.
The gift of my survival,
Now the curse that's killing me.

Does it make me a murderer.
if I know he's going to see decease?
I've tried and tried but
one can only fight so long for peace.
Before all the battles and repressed memories
run themselves out of space.
And when everything in life fades away
because stress forces all your day's thoughts to erase.
He begged me to tell him to leave
something I would never say.
But is not doing what he asked
just the same anyways?
He told me I could save him
because he can't live without me.
No bother reminding him that I'm here
I know too well what he really means.
I knew exactly what he wanted
what he said could be an assist.
But I couldn't do that to her
no matter how he would persist.

Follow me into my world for a moment
I know I can't explain myself
As much as I try
I'm beyond broken that I forgot
How to even breathe
These words choke me from the inside out
I want to show you how I feel but
I can't even move an inch
From this empty hole in my bed
******* me deeper and deeper

Every day I try and try to just try
But I can't anymore
You are the only light in this darkness that is me
When you learn to live on your own
And rely only on yourself to survive
You forget how to trust
In anyone else, let alone your own mind

After feeling abandoned so many times
And fighting the knife that my own hand bares
My conditioned mind cannot be trusted
What I feel may not exist so i feel nothing instead
It's safer to care less and drink more
Until the bottle takes me under
Six feet into paradise
Where I feel
Nothing
Where I am
Nothing.

But I open my eyes and see you
Staring into my soul, trying to understand
You understand as much as you can
But im a broken person
A mirror shattered and reflecting
Someone who you love
But if you only knew..
How could you love someone like me
Someone with nothing to lose
With nothing to offer you
And I see the pain it causes
The pain I cause
And keep causing

In your eyes the truth lives
They say What your mouth can't speak
I can feel it through your warm skin
Laying against my icy heart
I know you want to leave

People use faith to keep themselves from hating life
They say that lack of a following of a religion constitutes as "evil"
Yet life itself is evil.
Hatred seeds from prior hatred
Like dominos, everyone falls
But faith and religion act as a harness
And a suit of armor
Keeping everyone safe from the evils of life
Yet evil is truth
So they can remain in their world of lies and comfort
Hypocritically hating, just as they claim to detest
I'll live on the outside, in evil per say
You can fuel the fire, judge me forever
I'll let you be and go my own way.

I've been laying in my bed at night,
Just laying there wishing for one thing,
Begging to put a bullet in my brain,
And feel all the blood drain.
I'm not quite sure why,
Why only recently I've had this strong of desire;
Depression is worse than ever before,
But comes in waves to prolong this war.
I can see it well:
The lead pulling away my thoughts in its path;
Memories and feelings blown to shreds,
Finally nothing left clouding my head.
As I contemplate last words,
I wonder if death'd come quickly or prolong an extra minute,
For my mind to flash through all the moments of pain and content,
Who knows, in my last breath maybe I'd even feel a bit of regret.

At this moment i feel the whole world caving around me,
Everything is closing in on my mind,
As i face memories of times passed
That are never to return.
It seemed easy then, but, looking back, we should have stayed those extra minutes,
Not been so quick to get home again.
Because now home is hard to face,
And it gets more tiring every day,
Trying to sit here and pretend that everything is alright,
That it's not a fight with time.
But the only ease is in the past,
Yet in those moments we felt no such thing.
I guess there's no winning anymore;
Time takes us all.

Tick tick tick
The clock is moving slowly
But my heartbeat is racing
And my mind can't let go
Of the worst possible scenario
In any given situation
My body is buzzing
With the anxiety I don't want to face
Each second is an eternity
Yet somehow I'm still breathing

Try, Try, Try
They keep telling me to TRY
Haven't I tried enough?
No, even I don't believe that.
But there's this point when requests become ridiculous
When trying to fill them gets you nowhere but into trouble
So you know you can't;
I know I can't.
Try to think about death
about losing your best friend.
Try to imagine that
imagine the next day;
The sun comes up and you realize it hasn't,
Not for all.
Now try to picture his darkness,
Try to picture yours.
*and tell me to try again..

I'm sorry for existing
I'm sorry for being so broken
You all deserve better
Than the person I am today
I could just fade away
It would be better that way
You could surround yourself with flowers
Instead of breathing in my poison
Plant trees instead of me
Free the air of my toxicity
I don't want to do this anymore
I don't want to be here again and again
I know I'm a burden and
I know you'd all be better off
I just want this to end
I've had enough

These past few months,
I haven't been in a good place.
Driving myself mad,
Within my own head.
Isolation,
Aggravation,
Stuck in thoughts of the future,
Or of the past,
Never really living in the present.
I'd sunken into a pit of stress,
Slipping to the bottom,
Submerged,
Until stress was no longer on
a conscious level.

I felt lost.
Alone.
Empty.
Destroyed.
And under no control.
Had gone so far as to diagnose
myself with convinced issues.
When in reality,
I may just be the same,
as
every
other
typical
teenager.

While I still know not what is
wrong,
I will no longer sit back and let
it hold me down.
I'm going to either fight with what
I can
Or continue on smoothly.
No matter the direction,
I will find out eventually,
if I
really
have
just
Lost my mind.

I won't fall in love with you for the way your hair cascades your shoulders
I won't get hooked on the way your body sways when you walk
And I won't focus on the small flaws that society highlights every day

I am not your average person
I'm an *******, a ****
Sometimes I don't think ahead
I've gotten myself into unsettling situations
And I tend to be self-destructive

But love terrifies me, it intimidates my self control
Because when I fall in love with you
It will be with the way your eyes glow when you speak
The beautiful chime of your voice when you answer the phone
The way my arms fit perfectly around you as you lean into me

I'll fall in love with the way we understand one another
And with the fear that consumes me
As I contemplate why someone as wonderful as you
Whose "flaws" I'll fall more in love with every day
Chose my broken soul
To make you feel whole.