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Aug 2019 · 73
Untitled
winter Aug 2019
to claim the biology of desire
is to acknowledge desire’s presence
wisdom will get you nowhere, silly
Aug 2019 · 156
Untitled
winter Aug 2019
fearful, regretfully human side
of which I decide
to indulgence in my youth,
or to maintenance
of my stone body
Will I live
or Will I breathe
Aug 2019 · 84
Untitled
winter Aug 2019
an antidote to worsen the symptom
the day, once threatening
the night, now laborious
time passes as a slow & steady tide
but there is no more time for me to wait
there is no more good
there is no more guilt
only the weight,
only the lack
everything is tiring
Aug 2019 · 97
no one
winter Aug 2019
nobody
nobody
nobody
nobody
nobody
Jul 2019 · 130
and reduced to
winter Jul 2019
a year ago today
from everything
your prevalence
mocks the highest
standard to my being
every bit of strength
bred from a passing year of mourning
diminished by your hand
Jul 2019 · 136
Untitled
winter Jul 2019
the sun rises while i ascend
another sleepless night
lifted by the waking world
still, i am truly alone
Jul 2019 · 156
delete monika
winter Jul 2019
i hit the restart button
but every decision,
every trial
it always ends the same
Jul 2019 · 279
Untitled
winter Jul 2019
what revelation am I supposed to come to?
it’s tiring
i’m tired
Jul 2019 · 74
the pinacle
winter Jul 2019
I dyed my hair purple
to look like Gaz Membrane
from Invader Zim
that's all
Jul 2019 · 104
a child; coping
winter Jul 2019
of something spiritual, romantic
stripped bare
to the ashes of biology
to the child
so willing, so loving
ripped not from the womb
but dropped from the night
hitting the dirt
and smelling for the first time the earth
love, relentless
ripped apart midday
only for the slivers to creep
from bedroom mirrors in the dark
the ghost terrifies me
the ghost is a product of my love
which no longer belongs to me
but the child alone
to ideologies
that kept the loneliness exciting
hyper and intoxicated
yet still spellbound
by horrors lurking a foot away
out the window
under the bush
that horror was the love left in me
a fiction of the brain
real in its affection
to be seven years old
and fantasize wooing the darkness
to be swooned by fear
it is inevitable
the cruelty of biology
Jun 2019 · 79
Untitled
winter Jun 2019
I remember feeling
that everything I’d done
I owed to the world
A trivial homage
To a life, to a thought
To dreaming in color
I owed to the world
Jun 2019 · 143
moon landing
winter Jun 2019
they say the moon landing killed poetry
but those who came back
all became poets
Jun 2019 · 114
born and bred
winter Jun 2019
who i am is a product
of my mother
of my father
however hateful,
and however proud
as a flower doesn't choose its color
this, I've become

from my mother I learned
that there exists love
fruitful, but sour
bled from vanity
never a man but a child
could one ever love
that is what I learned from my mother

from my father I learned
to let the past go
that what is left home
will be torn apart
and what you hold onto
will be torn from your hands
that is what I learned from my father

I learn fast
and grew up young
born from my mother
captive of my father
splitting my life into integrated sectors
dividing my time and pleasures
into two, neat halves
the halves are muddy
but separate nonetheless
and in two different directions,
I am going one
happy father's day
Jun 2019 · 461
dying bird
winter Jun 2019
my mother saved a dead bird
and dressed it in violets
she emptied a box
once filled with letters
her brother sent from his cell
to carry the bird down
from my bedroom
where the cat had placed it
a gift to his mother
leaving the feathers
while the bird rots in our yard
Jun 2019 · 381
Untitled
winter Jun 2019
forcing myself to accept
that this is all there is
and then its nothing
Jun 2019 · 319
papers
winter Jun 2019
for now I will keep my little papers
because they bring me joy
but one day I'll chop myself up like a piece of clay
grey and soft and firm
to a small blank surface
ready to mold
ready to begin a new road
cross my fingers
not to sicken
cross my heart
not to remorse
mourn my memories that leave me still
but break from this proper cycle
fill my trashcan full of papers
that soon will empty
by then, there will be nothing
I could hope to do
my treasures are fleeting
and I, for once, will be new
quite literally about me being a Hoarder as a kid because I was obsessed with remembering everything... I still have little old sketches from a decade ago, little worksheets from my 2nd grade class...
Jun 2019 · 350
loss
winter Jun 2019
I am fully prepared
to lose everything
I've devoted my whole life
to preserve
May 2019 · 510
cool air
winter May 2019
halo, halo
flooded by musky greens
that wipe out the bitterness
to your taste
hands tight on my waste
and lifting me
to sit on a shredded pillow
the window open
the walls damp
the chill once again comforts me
embracing an icy touch
you cut my hair
a head of bleach falls to the floor
my black roots remain
fragile breaths come from the trees
awakening once more
creeping their branches into the room
creeping under my tunic
the sky clears and I am soft
the pillow empties of its feathers
removing the inside
releasing the weight
Apr 2019 · 318
springs before
winter Apr 2019
Season melting into my arms
My sentimentality is not a product of my hope
which still prevails
though the weather ties me back
The cold of the backstage walls
brings me comfort
connects me to a memory
subito!
It becomes glorious to remember.
a present wind is pleasant
so long as it doesn't sting
But to feel the waves of matter
slipping through the creases
soothing the cracks of old troubles
It is everything to breathe
the spring of 2018 brings back some terrible, terrible memories. now that time is passing, i hope this peaceful feeling is a result of time, and not a re-experience of that old false hope.
Mar 2019 · 479
void
winter Mar 2019
Weep me into an orbit
secure my warmth into it
Elevated, tremble me still
Lifting my legs into the air
And completely releasing the ground
Most comforting coldness
Welcomes me to a void
An inter-clashing of hollow and heart
I see nothing before me
I feel nothing beneath me
Moving only relatively to you
But the air between us bends
My bones feel crisp
When energy evolves into matter
Experiencing, for the first time,
Negative space
Seeing what nothingness lies before me
The acceptance
Ensuring calamity’s deference
I’ll be there
May I be still but I am moving
You see me here
Mightful in collision and clamour
Which rings so silently
That my breathing sounds greater
I long to be there
To dissipate into light
Become a pull in the tide
Warp everything inside
Regenerating my new birth
Fulfilled by the presence of lacuna
i want to be consumed by a black hole
Mar 2019 · 250
mother's poem
winter Mar 2019
us, as usual
laughter, Muse, Luca + Chris
a false welcoming
that you noticed first
nature's assault
memories of Saturn
that you noticed first
freezing time
I'll hold on to you
when the wind comes our way
that I'll notice first
a poem my mom wrote for me today, of a car ride this morning
Mar 2019 · 279
old Love
winter Mar 2019
what a heavy heart i hold
when an ex-lover tells me
of his 2a.m. window
how he stares through it and cries
he longs to be held,
by anyone, though not me
but i can sing for him
through little videos of folk
and little words of honey
"I'm older now than I have any right to be
Old enough to repaint and young enough to sell
I feel tired
I want to be held
I'm just
Cold"
I told him once how life was short,
but love grew old
My trust is nervous
he has the right to be so dear to me
I'll hold this pain forever
I'll let it rest within
every weathering and lacing moment
where the knots in his hair have been
I still have this window
I still have his heart
I still feel his warmth
even without him
Mar 2019 · 383
reality of whimsicality
winter Mar 2019
i wished to be whimsical
but my words remained bitter
a cold, guttural stinging
to be everything was to dream
to have something to prove
to love and be loved
i still cannot tell whether or not
it is greater to live in the fantasy
to wake and lift into your mind
to blur your vision, finding any reason
any reason by any means
to wake at all
is it better for one to wake if everyday
they have to envision candy-canes
as the railing on their staircase
if they insist on their futures
or pray to their God
"Don't let me suffer"
is it better for one to wake if everyday
they dye their hair a new colour
just to stop thinking of how they will rot
and how it will smell
and how long it will take
to completely crumble
so deep into the soil that the bone dissolves
do these thoughts make people "open"?
knowledgeable?
sentimental?
wise?
even if, every morning, it may as well nearly cost them their lives?
how severely should truth be praised?
do not medicate me for i can alter my vision
if it takes a fantasy to let me be real
then god bathe and drown me
in the worst of whimsicalities
Mar 2019 · 438
human
winter Mar 2019
.                   knowing you made me human
losing you doesn't mean i can't be
Mar 2019 · 396
folk fest '17
winter Mar 2019
isolation and aroma
our tent was crowded and friendly
fires in the early morning
that never seemed to give out
phone died a week ago
and for once i am living
i jumped a cliff and got lost in the forest below it
i was bruised and cold but the music was loud
and their dancing brought me home
drunk singing and emphatic fiddling
i saw what the spirit meant
mine is still there
i haven't felt in a while
Mar 2019 · 446
one more time
winter Mar 2019
release our tensions
and dispel of this worry
after all that we've been through
your words and my words
my hurt and your guilt
to reconcile our hands
and disprove every doubt
i lend you my hand
joyful and beautiful and miserable man
you're confused and i'm tired
i'm confused and you're tired
however many times it comes back
to you, to me
let's try this again
Mar 2019 · 188
to: earth
winter Mar 2019
can you hear me from up here?
i know my being here makes you there
though i still feel as if
you are there, and so i am here
it takes long for my steps to land
my voice might ring forever,
though i can't hear it
can't bear to be near
the atmosphere which shields me
from you
from myself
and every little meteoroid
that i witness time and time again
how quickly they all fall to you
Mar 2019 · 610
the crescent; a fantasy
winter Mar 2019
the moon is gone
and the crescent my fantasy
for so long, never seeing you
the time has finally come
for me to have forgotten your face
when night is risen and moon is full
i imagine you there
your soft, beautiful face
gorgeously round and pointed and soft
the arch of your brow
and your wailing eyes
digging so deep into my own
that in my reflection yours are buried
formed from little craters and debris
historically indifferent
they must be your eyes
i was crying the last time i looked at you
you staring at me, indifferent, remorseful
i am crying now, looking at the moon
it must be you up there
eight months and twelve days
june twenty-eighth
july nineteenth
i hate that i can't remember your face
and i mourn you still
just by looking up
to that same moon
i fear the day that i might see you again
that i may be reminded of your gentleness
that i may hear the nectar of your voice
i can never stop myself from you
can never hold back from admiring you
in my entirety, you, the moon
my only beacon, beloved anchor
but the moon is gone
and the crescent only my fantasy
Mar 2019 · 3.5k
missing you
winter Mar 2019
i'm in the back of your car with your friends
i've watched your movie for the third time now
i text you that I miss you
although the last thing you want on your mind
is how to reply
to a girl of my kind
who you've avoided for this long
to say that you love me
to promise you'll see me
to never follow through
i text you that I miss you
the pissiest thing i've written and hopefully will ever write but my friends r tired of it so i had to put it somewhere
Mar 2019 · 303
an alternate to suicide
winter Mar 2019
left his mark in my hallowed body
to what i wish would form a separate being
and seeing my form sprawled and displayed
bringing forth the ache
that pangs every corner of his core
he is not one of myself
but in my obsession will i take him
and will i break him or will he break me
into this swelling teary mess
use him to strip myself of pride
my suicide alternative
lamenting at his glory
crawling and scrapping for that moment of euphoria
it stabs and willows
when the night is over i am left with myself
and even i am gone.
Mar 2019 · 367
melancholia
winter Mar 2019
drawn to my sister planet
we tear out our hairs
the fiery sorts of dissent
into the depths of my apathy
climactic orbit in yearning
pushed against your clamour
i long to be obliterated
dispel this feeling of unfeeling
remove me
Mar 2019 · 1.1k
Untitled
winter Mar 2019
succession in the act
one cannot be afraid
of making theirself a fool
cannot remain of ownself
strip and despoil of worry
my strongest desire to be a fool
shameless in integrity and condemnation
grasp the pure abyss
and be everything other
Mar 2019 · 500
new moon
winter Mar 2019
unlikely friend
remorse of the swelling tensions
us risen from the affair
we muse together
of our greater imbalance
the spontaneous occurrence
of our bewicked empathies
we were not designated
yet this path our own will
tiding foreign bodies to his shore
of befriending the girl my ex left me for, and discovering an unexpected, new sort of love.
Mar 2019 · 1.7k
bilingual poem, para el
winter Mar 2019
he allows himself to rest,
forgetting his uncertainties
and just lets go
no mas puede llevar las cosas
que tiene que llevar
para vivir otro dia
to face the life of Everyman
challenged of his lusts
forsaken of companionship
oh hijo mio que vivía valiente
taking his first step into the void
duerme pa siempre
querido del mundo
and one of all man
Mar 2019 · 925
unreal
winter Mar 2019
my form has long left me
my eyes no more of my body
gone from my physical form
i praise the higher
let me be free of this earth
break the sky into little bits
and let me drift
for my roots have been plucked
and my principles stray
i dream of a place
where i can feel
Mar 2019 · 569
red woman
winter Mar 2019
god do i think i love her
lord do i want to hold her
feel everything that makes her so bold
striking and evil and red
where now she is so keenly radiating
a powerful and tiny joy
before she was so sharp
so dark
years crawl beneath primeval distances
still her scent remains prominent
i was eleven years old when i first saw her
a flower in her hair, a buttoned blouse
i sketched her every day
enigmatic attire
she adored
two years pass and i am in her basement
2am, face painted white and red
we watch Moulin Rouge
and we talk of moons and suns
and in the morning i use her shower
for the day, i would have her scent

she is deeply gone and will i remember
her gracious form
and flirtatious laughter
her glasses and her tap shoes
and her will
a girl who outreaches her own arms
she is soaring today
mythological in word
in her voice
in her skin
in her black nail polish and biker rings
in everything
that everyone hated her for doing

in her
Mar 2019 · 408
obsessive moon
winter Mar 2019
youth in dying
heaving through childed lungs
to drink is to release in the barren
the tide of the moon's seed
depart of my planting
and live radiating the being
i see her there,
my love, my love
i am guided across our departure
my moon, my moon
the very first sight of my possessed infantry
infatuated with illuminated isolation
loneliness
i felt it in you,
feel it in me
deceitful boldness to candy the night
i am obsessed
**** the light from the sun
and pour unto me
every of your unhinged desires
Mar 2019 · 279
speak to me
winter Mar 2019
our foreheads are battered with the symphony
corrupted by theory and gauze
your lips are sweet
but mine are sweeter
let me see you to sing consolidation
let me see you at all again
wellness cannot be spoken
though my expression heed no desire
to lure you into my hold
to cradle your head in my breast
dizzied and dazed
remember me there
find me in the warm night
such kindly temperament out of reach
reach for me when your bed becomes cold
when you yourself become cold
mustn't you fear me among the others
I long to lend you my hand
There are times when I can feel
come to me
speak to me
Mar 2019 · 396
homesick
winter Mar 2019
Feet don’t fail me now
She sings and sings and sings
Belting in the backyard
Humid and sweet and exciting
Skyborn burns that fill me with orange and blue
Sun-bleached skin in darkened strings
Of deep and burdening things
Mediating the cracks in the sidewalk
Burying the butterfly i once called “Vernus”
Rays of light and every bit of dust
Eyes wide and the noises loud
Small and running
Heated stoves ring me home
Before dark, i am alone
Me and the world
I feel the possibility in my fingertips
I witness myself again and again
I can feel
I am aware
Of what i am not, of who i will be
Infuriation and envy
I hold everything within and I let it release
Leaping across the streets in wedges
Power seeps into my heels
My beating heart shakes me
Into my bedroom window
Into the moon
Into my backyard
I left it there

— The End —