Haha i lied
I tried to hide
I am just so tired
Of crying

I kept the facade up
Really believed myself
When i said
I wasnt bothered

yet i stood there
My heart breaking
At each word she said
About laying in that bed

With you
Seeing you
Ignoring me
And wanting her

Talking to her
Like you did me
It wasmt just jealousy
But pure hurt

Now I cry
And i ask why
******* why
Everyone makes me die

A little more each time
My heart really hurts
How cruel to me
You didnt have to be

I was happy with what we had
You pushed me away like trash
And she took my feelings
And ripped them apart

Ruthelssly she came at me
Eyes wide open shamelessly
Telling me her exploits
As she stomped on my heart

In front of everyone
I smiled as she pounded
Twisted and churned
With a burning sledge

Maybe a bulldozer
It hurt more then anything
Yet i smiled becuase
What can i do
Jokingly tell you off

Is about all i can manage
Becuase it doesn't matter
To anyone but me
Lets face it
I'm nothing

Replaceable to all
Everyone waits for my fall
They see me crawl
And hit so many walls

They all laugh
Hurting me is ok
Beating my face in
In the middle of the day

It's cruel and unsual
But for me it's normal
Everyone watches
Noo ne cares

I'm in pain
I expected this
I did think of course

That when you moved on
You'd be a bit kinder
Then taking full force
And ripping me in half

Its okay
I'm sure you're a great guy
It's just me
My eyes

They speak to people
They tell everyone
To hurt me
In the sickest ways

I must have a price to pay
With god
I don't get normal
I get eternal damnation
And I'm still alive

When i see her face
Smiling with yours
My heart doesn't just break
It sinks
Into a dark hole

Taking my life and soul
The rest of my body
Falls angry and stabs
Stab
Stab
     Stabs
Until i can't breathe
But i didn't want to cry
Therefore i drank
Because the poison
Soothed the anger

Id rather poison myself
Then let it out
Yet a song played
I wrote the words out
In my diary

And each mark
I put down
Reminded me
And brought a smile
Into a frown

Each memory escaped me
And then returned
Darker and unsettled
Now they hurt
But
Theyre in pen

I can shred the paper
Theyre still written
Even blowing through
The wind

So each mark i made
With each memory i tear
broke free
Now here i am

1am and I'm crying alone
The worst part is
Im so used to this
Yet it always hurts more
Each
*******
Time

I was so happy
I wore yellow
The day after
You touched my heart

Now i remember
Yellow was never
My color
I only know
Deep blue

The yellow is raining
The rain won't stop
It's cold and hailing
I keep failing
Everything

The storm is breaking
Im in it and shaking
The ground is quaking
Inside it's aching

Deep inside
That yellow dress
Is torn and bruised
My fingers bled too much
To fix it

I'm so sorry.
My pain never goes away
Im so sorry
The endless crying won't stop
Im so sorry
You hurt me
And I can't
  Stop
     Missing
              You

Im sorry
I'm a fool

Its midnight
I sit in my car
Swaying to Taylor swift
I think of you

I breathe in a smile
One I haven't felt in so long
I forgot this feeling
It's so pure

I can't stop gushing
And swirling
I'm not just hearing music
Now I can feel it

I'm like a teenage girl again
Excited and blushing
The feeling so innocent
Peaceful and adorable

All you did was smile
I breathe your smile in
My heart became full
Like it used to be around you

It's not a dark desire
Or a desperate want
It's a sweet kiss
A innocent bliss
A autumn evening
That keeps me believing

Love is real
When I see you
I can never have you
But that's okay
Because being around you
Is joy enough

You like me for me
I don't need to change
And that's so kind
Thank you
For being you
And making me
Believe

I wish I was normal
I wish I was in your world
Happy and hopeful
Free and beautiful

I'm such a freak
I wish I could change
It's not fun in anyway
I wish the kids asked me to play

Here I stay
Lost and astray
Afraid to misbehave
I'm just a nobody slave

I wish I was normal
I wish I was in your world
Happy and hopeful
Free and beautiful

God I'm such a loser
I cry every night
Look at me Ima fright
I got demons I can't fight

The sun doesn't give me light
I must run and hide
The kids all like to laugh
As I fall and hit the grass

I wasn't chosen last
I was never chosen at all
I wish I was ten feet tall
But I'm not interesting at all

I'm such a freak
Freak
  Freak
      F r e a k

All I ever wish
Put it on Santa's list
I'm completely helpless
I can only reminisce
Other's lives

still  I wish I was normal
I wish I was in your world
Happy and hopeful
Free and beautiful

Maybe I'd be better
Maybe I'd be clever
Maybe I'd be at peace
And not such a freak

Everything i write
is about flowers and death
I think this is a sign
I want to be free

I can't take this boxed  in life
I want to run
Any chance i get

Fourty hours work in a hole
Is not who i am
I want to be in the wind

Flowers bloom with color
Their pedals flow through the breeze
Moving through and growing more life

I cannot have such a life
Therefore i want to run
But run to where?
The only solution i ever find

Is death
Death is the only freedom i know
But maybe I'll live
For the promise
That after this hell
We'll all be free
More then we can ever know

My dear friends
I miss you
On those warm summer nights
The sky's thick hue

We are all lost
Running away
Because we are so afraid

So let's get in the car
Turn that cd up loud
Drive through them city lights
Dancin like we proud
Proud

We'll always find each other
Even far as **** away
Laughing til we cry
Even in the worst of days

Always there for every first
Tired nights with
Heavy brights

We  in that car
So Turn that cd up loud
Drive through them city lights
Dancin like we proud
Proud

Can't even comprehend
How lucky we are
To lay with each other
And stare at the stars

I'll be there with you
From your wedding day
To your darkest day

Won't let it leave my heart
When we're in my car
Blaring that cd so loud
Highway lights passing by

We'll keep going far
Far

Driving together in any car

Here's another poem
About another ****
It took me way to long

After poems of love
And heart felt words written
Why the **** was i so smitten

Crush
      Love
  
                    Disgust
  
 

Let another one use my heart
Let another one take me apart
Played nice and apologized

  Stupid
      Pig
           
                  ****

Way to flirt
With anything in a small skirt
But whine that youre alone

Way to make me feel
Yet act like there's no deal
Now you want my friend

**** it
      *******

                     ******* all

Im done with this
I'm not second best
Take my anger

And shove it up your ***

I feel
       shining
S h i m m e r i n g
Galaxies
In my heart

I see yellow
S wi~rling
Magic
In your soul

I see the stars
In the colors
Of the day

   The milky way
Is but a step away
In your eyes

I see love
From all
Like a blackhole
Breaking me into it
Never escaping

Twinkling
   Twinkle
              Twinkle
Little beauty
   You are everywhere
I can see it in most everyone

But i don't think
They see it
In
Me

Love is fake
Romance is dead
I don't like affection
Don't touch me I'll get mad

relationships are a joke
Emotions are too girly
Don't need help I'll do it myself
marriage is not shiny and pearly

I won't bother with you
I know you won't like me
Stop talking to me
I refuse to feel this giddy

You're really cute
But i sure don't care
Don't look at me like that
Now I'm twirling my hair

I'm not a stupid school girl
You're like all the others
You're happy to see me
Why are my eyes staring in wonder

Why did i drive out here
It wasn't just to see you
Wow I'm stupid
Aww you're happy to see me too

Now I'm driving home
Listening to taylor swift
Heart skipping about

  Should i enjoy this?

where do i start
There are so many thoughts racing
Trying to find a finish line
But before they ever can a new one begins

And somehow they keep leading
To thoughts about you
The things you did to me
How sick you made me feel

I was so obsessed with you for so long
You ****** me over more then i can even understand
I thought once i said no more
That meant i would never have to think of you again

Yet your disgrace lingers
The pain you caused
Is still on my face
You're shaking my life
Please go the **** away

You make my skin crawl
Until i cant even sleep at all
I want you to go away
Why wont you go away

I wanted you to mature
To be someone better
I saw the ugly within you
But i hate to hate

Now i see
You still wont let me be
I want to make you go away
Please just go away

Go away
Far away
Never stay
Just go away

I told you
I told everyone
Yet your disgrace
Only seems to hit me
in the face

I hear your name spread through the wind
By people who adore you
Why do people hold onto evil
And close their eyes to the good

Go away
Far away
Never stay
Just go away

One day when i write
It won't be about you or the distaste of your soul
One day I'll write a beautiful song
Of the women i let myself become

I want to write such beautiful poems
But inside i feel such a disgust
Everyrhing i write is absolute trash
Simply because i know not how to write of such vile natures

Go away
Far away
Never stay
Just go away

I said goodbye to you and meant it
Noone believed me they called me a liar
I'll do whatveer it takes
To never hear the curse of your name

When I'm free i can finally
Pray for your sorry soul
But while you stay and torment me
I only wish for your absolute hell

So please
Go away
Far away
Never stay
Just go away

I'm not your good girl
I'm not your angel
I'm not the innocent bliss you want

I'm the mess of the world
Im the party girl people judge
Im the **** you're ashamed of

I'm not who you think
I'm not what you wanna see
I'm not this prairie girl

I want to be me
I want to do bad things
I want to be a *****

Why won't you let me be
Me

I hate you
And this heart
Beating within me

I hate this
The crippiling desire
To curse your soul

What's wrong with me
   what's wrong with me
      WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME

I hate the sky
It's beauty is a lie
the blue peace is a facade

I hate existence
The very feeling
Burning with blood

  Why am i like this
    Why am i like this
       WHY AM I LIKE T H I S

I ******* hate myself
**** me and everyone else
Take a sledgehammer to my brain

I loved everyone
I thought i did
Love was never known to me

I hate that I hate
It's filled with anger and hurt
But maybe i must hate

Before i can learn to love

How come every
     Sick
           Abusive
Dark

Love song i hear
Reminds me
Of you

The fear
The essence
You hold
      In
     Me

It's not beauty
It's disgusting
Im disgusting
     Stop

You say I'm not
*** you know
It's ******* disgraceful

It's not tasteful
You inside me
But i take it
    Burning

Whisper my name
Surround me
Scream in shame
      
Noones to blame
You're a demon
Crawling about
        My skin

Swim skin deep
Keep me warm
You hold me down

With a frown
I'll sing a song
To honor your name
           So lovely

Am i keeping you
Or do you keep me
I thought i was a fighter

In the mirror a cryer
To others a lighter
Within it's burning
         Empty

Oh but of course
I see it now
You arent me

You're just the terror
And screeching
That rests within
        M  e

Shaking
Shivering
Dry
Throat

Breathe me in
Eat me whole

I'm quivering
From your deep soul

Numb
Sensitive
Crooked
Tongue

I'm thirsty
Fill me with your water

You call me lovely
Like a daughter

Red
Screeching
Paranoid
Shooting
Brains

Tell me your words
Devour my mind

Please look into my eyes
And try to be kind

I knew
When you said hello
I knew
When you gave me your number
I knew
Ever since I met you
I held back
But I knew
I wanted you

When you asked me out
I said no
I regretted it so
When I went to your house
It felt like new beginnings
My heart grew
For you
Each passing day
Every single thing you would say

The brisk October
You gave me your jacket
I never gave it back
Into the cold Decembers
Seeing me cry
Holding me tight

I knew
When you gave me that shirt
I knew
When you said it wouldn't work
I still knew
When you said we were just friends
I knew
It wasn't pretend

I knew I'd love you till the end
When you said the words
I never imagined
Would come from you
Your lips sang
I can't recall everything
But I'll never forget
Staring at you in shock
Asking me to be yours

I knew
It was forever
And never ever
Going to end
I knew you would always be
My very best friend
My lover
My protection

I knew
For nine crazy months
I knew
When you said we were destined
I knew from the second
You said hello

You forever will be my greatest blessing
❤️

I miss you
I miss the heart aches
I miss the stomach aches
I miss your absence
I miss the way you'd dance

Surely I miss you
I miss the sickening dew
I miss the crying on the bathroom floor
I miss me hiding behind the doors
I miss the anxiety
I miss my text left unread

I miss the "love" in my head
The  pain in your bed
The empty throbbing afterwards
The touched but not too far
The left unsatisfied and scarred

I loved the smiles you brought me
I loved the child you saw me as
I loved the women you'd rather pass
I loved the tears that made you laugh
I loved ever single unspoken desire
Never brought me higher

I deserved every manipulation
I deserved every tear
I deserved every touch
I deserved you so much
I deserved the confusion
I deserved your advantages
I deserved every bandage

I apologize for my obsession
I apologize for my opression
I apologize for my misbehavior
Obviously I knew better

It's my fault it went too far
It's my fault I'm forever scarred
It's my fault I wanted you so bad
It's my fault I ever made you sad
It's my fault I told my dad
It's my fault I got mad
It's my fault
It's my fault
It's always my fault

Thank you for using me
Thank you for abusing me
Thank you for accusing me
Thank you so much
for not leaving me untouched

You gave me what I wanted
You gave me everything I needed
You gave me attention
You gave me suppression
You gave me pain
You gave me deep stains
I can never ******* clean

I'm so sorry I spoke up
I'm so sorry I woke up
I'm so sorry I broke it up
I'm so sorry I exist
I'm so sorry I can't reminisce
About anytime before today
I'm sorry I'm this way
I'm sorry I misbehave
I'm sorry I tried to be brave
I'm sorry I got in everyone way

I miss before you
I miss before I knew
I miss my life
Before you stabbed me
And I apologized to you
I miss you
When I was close enough
To be able to ****** you
The way you murdered me

I missed you.

Dear,
   Everyone
Who ever mocked me
Who ever looked down
Who ever made fun of me
Who ever made me cry

The tears I shed
Were not in your name
They were from my own blame
You never owned anything

I know you see it
How strong I really am
I'm quiet and afraid
But really you're amazed

I've battled wars you'll never know
Blood and guts unimaginable
You only see the wounds
Yet you're still afraid

Call me weak
Call me pathetic
Call me what you may
It won't stay

I am so brave
Knock me down
I'll fall so very far
But I'll get up so very tall

You're weak
You're stupid
You're pathetic
Above all, you're afraid

Don't pin that on me
I didn't ruin your destiny
You can't taint my soul
I'll still be nice but I won't
Be nobody's fool

Dear, everyone
      You will never break me
       So ******* *** I'll live beautifully

Every day I hear a song
I see a place
Or a familiar face
And my heart aches

Of a place
Of a time
Of a special rhyme

The entire time
I thought
I missed you
I longed
For us
that's not what it was
It's not what it is

I found myself in you
When you left
I left too
I've been gone
I'm still searching
For her
For me
For what I was
And want to be

This poem isn't about you
It's about me
Finding me
I've been gone
For so long
God I miss her
Her power
Her kindness
Her braveness
Her tenacity
Everything
That used to be me

Where is she
Buried in sadness
Buried in sickness
Coughing
Crying
Dying
Lying
Into
My grave
One foot
Away
I guess I'm pretty brave
For someone who's a slave
To my own body
My own mind
I feel like nobody
I don't see the stars
I don't feel the love
I just know pain
And shame

Where's the girl
With all the hope in the world
So much so
She healed others
And brothers
And sisters
The whole world
Would be healed
By the girl
With all the passion
In the world

She's gone
Gone
Gone
I'm crying for her
The memories of her
Laughing
And loving
Not ever knowing
Even more cruelty
To come

Only knowing
A one way road trip
To fun
beauty,  bravery
And sincerity
Everything
With such clarity
Wasted away
Three years or probably more now
I lost count
In my bed
Body full of rusted lead
Poisoning my head

I may as well be dead
Somewhere out there
Lost in a service plaza
Killed by monsters
And death himself
Swallowed me up
And never spit me out

La la la
La la la
I'm going down
An endless road
I do not know why
I must go
La la la
La la la

There's burning
And crashing
And brutal death
But I'll go
Until my last breath
I guess
La la la
La la la

I'm in absolute misery
I finally realized it's pointless
Open your eyes stop singing
The warning bells keep ringing
La la la
La la la

Everyday a smile
Just to appease them for awhile
Until night falls and I'll consider
How I'll fall

I'm alone now
Only walls surround me
I can stop singing
This cheery mockery

You're a ***** ***** ****
I feel it in my gut
The desire
Bring me higher

Come inside me
Baby find me
Expand my horizons
Yell at me more it's fun

I probably shouldn't
Younger me wouldn't
But I'm so curious
**** me til I'm delirious

Take me out back
My mind's out of whack
My dreams are wet
Touch me without fret

I need to let loose
On you

Who am I?
When I look in the mirror I don't see me
Unsure what I see
The girl who stole my identity

She uses my name
She walks with my legs
Talks with my voice
I have no choice
But to go along
But she's not me

Not the scared little girl
Not the abused child
The whiny victim
The addicted teen
With low self esteem

She's not the scars on my body
Picked from self loathing
The obsession with being used
And crying in self pity
She's not the disgusting trash
I've come to know so well

When I look in the mirror
I see flesh
I see a girl
I see nothing
Nothing I know
Nothing I hate

I can't identify with her
I don't know her
I know fear and suffering
Darkness and tears
I do not know light
Or joy
maybe emptiness
But the one in the mirror is not me

She's stolen my identity

Do I want it back ?

Who am I
Where am I
Why am I screaming
Why am I doing this

This isn't me
But I don't know me
But I'm panicking

Why did I do that
How could I
Be such a little ****

Is it wrong
Is it me
What happened to my sanity

My head's twisted
Swirling and curling
I'm afraid of everything

I feel guilty
I need my humility
I've gone too far

If I keep being reckless
I'll end up ***** and bruised
I don't wanna be used

Not again
I must be good
I can not sin

I don't want punishment
Please forgive me
For I've lost all my sanity

Marry me
Marry me
My shining beauty

Dance with me
Dance with me
On this spinning merry go round

I am a fairie
And you are a wizard
Together we make magic
In a world thats a blizzard


Shine with me
Shine with me
On top the moonlit sea

Run away
Run away
Together into the forest

I'll twinkle my wings
As you wave your wand
I'll never lose your reflection
In this glistening pond