-the global strongman, and how to survive him

"Our leader is a good man,
he knows what is right."
He needs no wicked science,
all he needs is strong believers.

     They don't like competence, they hate discretion.
     Cast down your glance for their eager eyes.

"Ang aming mga lider ay isang mabuting tao,
alam niya kung ano ang tama."
He is an ardent lover of justice,
killing criminal vermin at all cost.

     They want to bring you down, my friend,
     they like us unlike them.

"Wǒmen de lǐngdǎo shì yīgè hǎorén,
tā zhīdào shénme shì duì de."
He needs no shrewd lawyers,
he senses who is guilty.

     By hunger and chaos they make you foul your mouth,
     our hate and cursing will set us all apart.

"Nash lider - khoroshiy chelovek,
on znayet, chto pravil'no."
Now don't get naughty,
you know, just behave.

     Raise your head, man, raise your feeble voice:
     let's sing our songs, let's come together.

"Liderimiz iyi bir insandır,
doğru olanı biliyor."
He's towering above all of us,
he'll crush the faintest uprising upfront.

     Heureux qui comme Ulysse a fait un beau voyage
     - et puis est retourne plein d'usage et raison.

     Fortunate the guy who fared well on his travels
     - and returned, a man of the world, full of wisdom.

"Our leader is a good man,
he knows what is right."

I.

I would not if I could undo my past,
  Tho' for its sake my future is a blank;
  My past for which I have myself to thank,
For all its faults and follies first and last.
I would not cast anew the lot once cast,
  Or launch a second ship for one that sank,
  Or drug with sweets the bitterness I drank,
Or break by feasting my perpetual fast.
I would not if I could: for much more dear
  Is one remembrance than a hundred joys,
    More than a thousand hopes in jubilee;
  Dearer the music of one tearful voice
    That unforgotten calls and calls to me,
"Follow me here, rise up, and follow here."

II.

What seekest thou, far in the unknown land?
  In hope I follow joy gone on before;
  In hope and fear persistent more and more,
As the dry desert lengthens out its sand.
Whilst day and night I carry in my hand
  The golden key to ope the golden door
  Of golden home; yet mine eye weepeth sore,
For long the journey is that makes no stand.
And who is this that veiled doth walk with thee?
  Lo, this is Love that walketh at my right;
    One exile holds us both, and we are bound
  To selfsame home-joys in the land of light.
Weeping thou walkest with him; weepeth he?--
    Some sobbing weep, some weep and make no sound.

III.

A dimness of a glory glimmers here
  Thro' veils and distance from the space remote,
  A faintest far vibration of a note
Reaches to us and seems to bring us near;
Causing our face to glow with braver cheer,
  Making the serried mist to stand afloat,
  Subduing languor with an antidote,
And strengthening love almost to cast out fear:
Till for one moment golden city walls
  Rise looming on us, golden walls of home,
Light of our eyes until the darkness falls;
  Then thro' the outer darkness burdensome
I hear again the tender voice that calls,
  "Follow me hither, follow, rise, and come."

Roaring in my ears,

Fire in my soul,
Deafening, all consuming, treacherous:
The violence with which my body trembles
is enough to make me want to collapse.

Every nerve in my body is raw
raw to the synapse,
down to the electrical impulse that jumps
the gap and creates
a chemical that induces
some kind of process
that I have little control over.

Happy, sad,
Lust, love,
Confusion, pain,
Pleasure, resolution:
All just chemical reactions of the brain to stimulatory catalysts.

There is no light at the end of the tunnel;
for there is no tunnel.
Yet if there was, I would be too afraid to travel through
the dark to get to that supposedly
Desirable end.

Electrical impulses that control every thought,
every feeling, taste, touch, smell and
how they have an effect on us.

Simple yet complicated beyond understanding, and yet we breathe,
Continue our lives with only the faintest idea
that we are controlled by the chemicals contained within us.

Perplexing. Deeply thought provoking. chemical producing.

Why is it I always find myself laying in the wet grass staring up at constellations with a set of chromosomes lighting up a cigarette that don’t belong to you?
This time the LSD flowed through the veins of a boy with blonde flowing hair. I laid next to him and tried to keep up with and envision what he saw and felt that night, and I think he could tell that I wasn’t exactly sure what he meant when he tried to describe it and he sighed with the faintest hint of frustration, but I reassured him with a simple
“talk about it.”
And he began to.
to use his hands, silhouettes against the dark violet sky, twirling and dancing, the stars twinkling and shining light between the shadowed fingers like the sun through trees. he described looking up at a circle of white light of life, and from it stemmed four hallways or paths, and then how there was a giant hand in the sky plucking at the stars, and then how the stars “danced, almost seductively, (no, seductively isn’t the right word, but it’s the easiest way to explain it)” for his eyes only. And how he was melting into the grass on our backs and the way Something by the Beatles made him feel something, and he asked about my writing and understood my anxiety and traced his tattoos in the dark, painting pictures of the ones I’d never noticed, the sparrow, the compass, the hamsa, with his words.
I felt as if I were tripping too, like the tiny tab dissolved into my own tongue for forty five minutes until it made it’s way down the back of my throat with a sip of water. Like I could feel myself melting into psychedelia with each syllable that rolled smoothly off of his tongue. Like the giant hand in the sky was mine, and I plucked the little lights like the strings of a guitar, like they burned my fingertips the way the flames from lighters did when I tested how slowly I could wave them over my fingers before I felt the heat when I was a child. Like the earth grew into me, like vines slithered their way up my spine and my vertebrae blossomed into lotus flowers, like Something by the Beatles made me feel something.
The earth was raw; it was so real.
Yet reality had never felt farther in a sober state.
I felt touched and untouchable, invincible and invisible, desired and deserted.
We finally stood and walked away from our little bed of leaves but they didn’t want me to leave- they tangled themselves in my hair and he told me to leave them in because it looked lovely.
So I did.
And I found you, where I always do.
You were laughing your acid off in the fluorescent lights of your bedroom.
And your eyes were green and your cheeks pink and your palms open and your mind
untouched by the untouched beauty we experienced and the enlightening clarity and the knowledge we sought under the all-knowing night sky.

In the night it had been so dark he had been unable to see across the room. The uncurtained window was a thought, a remembrance. He had to feel his way across the room from the warm bed, and across the wooden floor his feet felt one of the two small rugs he knew were there. Finding the windowsill he looked out into sheer darkness, but then a glimmer of light flashed far away across the valley, and yes there was just the faintest trace of dawn, and it was so still. He opened the window and could hear a faint breath of wind moving the trees surrounding this estate house, a house empty but for him. Somewhere quiet, unpopulated by this pulsing, vibrant, unreal community he had joined the previous afternoon.

There was an owl distant, and he immediately thought of the poem Owl written just a few hundred yards away by a poet who had once lived on the estate. He imagined her writing it in a half hour captured from being a mother of small children, and of being a gardener and wife. Maybe she had her worktable in her bedroom, a small space wholly hers where she could form her thoughts into these jewels of words.

Owl

Last night at the joint of dawn,
an owl’s call opened the darkness

miles away, more than a world beyond this room
and immediately I was in the woods again,

poised, seeing my eyes seen,
hearing my listening heard
under a huge tree improvised by fear

dead brush falling then a star
straight through to God
founded and fixed the wood

then out, until it touched the town’s lights,
an owl elsewhere swelled and questioned
twice, like you light lean and strike
two matches in the wind.


He returned to bed and as he lay down to gather a little sleep before the early morning light summoned him to his desk, he thought about ‘the joint of dawn’. Only a poet could have found that word ‘joint’, the exactness and rightness of it. It gave him a sudden and prolonged moment of joy. That’s what the creative mind sought, the right word, a word that summoned up not just images – he knew exactly what the joint of dawn was as an image – but also a very particular emotional and experiential state, for him a whole history of early mornings sitting quietly with a cup of tea between his hands, looking out; or sometimes being out, in winter before dawn, walking to his studio, the old walk through the industrial estate, over the river, into that vast silent building, up the three flights of stairs by feel and long practice – the metal rims on each stair step a guard against a long fall – then to his room, and before turning on the light at his drawing board he would stand by the long windows whose sills held his shells and stones, a vase of flowers, a small collection of old (and blue) bottles, a framed photograph of his children, he would stand and see the joint of dawn begin as a crack in the sky and then open like a lid on a box, a box that held a faint morning light, a pre sun, a grey glimmering.

As he lay awake, but with eyes closed, he thought of a conversation they had had recently, he and the woman he loved, the woman who warmed his heart and whose image in so many different forms floated continually in his consciousness. The feel of her under his body pulling herself to the compass points of his passion, and in such a moment when time had become suspended, had found this release, this overflowingness that gave him now, alone in this dark bedroom, a joy he could barely contain, that it could be so and to which his own body now expressed in its own vivid and physical way.

This conversation – he sought to remember the circumstances. Maybe it was over the telephone. Many of their conversations had to be so. They lived apart, and even when they lived together for short periods they were not truly together. There was often the intervention of work, of present children, of heads full of lists of things to do.  This conversation was about a short story he had written and sent to her to read – she had supplied the title, curiously, and he had accepted it, the title, as a challenge. She said ‘I’m often unsettled by your stories, by not knowing what is ‘real’ and what is invented. I find it difficult to read what you write as fiction because I’m aware that some of what you write is based on memory, people you have known perhaps, and I have not’. He could tell from the examples she gave (that were really questions) that there was, perhaps, a particular unease when it came to women he had portrayed. He felt a little sad and uncomfortable that his answers did not seem to help, and he thought quietly for some time after about this problem. Of course, authors did this, they trawled their memories, and often and usually ‘characters’ (he had read) were composites. The character in question, a poet in her sixties called Sally, was one such, a composite. He had invented her he thought, but to her, his questioner, his loved one, she had assumed a reality. It was those intimate details he had supplied, those small things that (he felt) drew a fictional character to a reader. Had he known a Sally? How intimately had he known a Sally? Was this the sort of woman he would like to know, perhaps even fantasied about knowing? A woman who handled words well, poetically, that was plain, but unmarked by her age, though had large feet and moved without grace.

He loved to write letters to her, his loved one. He wanted, this morning, to write to her, but he didn’t want his letter to be another list of ‘I did this, then this, and I saw this, and this made me think of this poem (and here it is), or this picture, and I heard this music (and there attempt a description). He was selfish really. He didn’t want the letter skimmed through and discarded. He has written, he loves me, he is thinking about me so he writes knowing I like letters, but that’s it, and his letter, because they come so frequently, is just another mark on the drawing that will be the day; it carries little permanence with it. And sadly, he will occasionally (although he is improving) allow these little intimacies to fall into words, and that I find difficult, embarrassing. I suppose I want letters anyone could read, that I could leave about on the kitchen table.

So, just occasionally he would place himself in a story, and this is what he began to prepare as he lay in bed and the dawn lit this bare room, so minimally furnished, in this quiet and beautiful place where a ten-minute walk would bring him to the bank one of Tarka’s rivers, where from the kitchen window, looking north, he could see the Moor and even one of its signifying and majestic Tors.'

Whispers ring in my ears,
There is the faintest ghosting of claws along my back,
I shudder, gasping for a hope of self respect.

I watch them,
Perfect little pair.
Holding hands and sending covert smiles,
No lip touches and nuzzling,
Just being close.
They're absolutely flawless in how awful they are.

You know...
She drove four hours from maryland alone,
To see her...
And you won't even drive an hour to come see me...
Or return my messages...
Or tell me how you've honestly ever felt.
And yet?
You still tell our friends about how in love with me you are...

Cover of morning mist, treacheous
bring them face to face,
in the depth, green darkness of a forest.
A porcupine and a pangolin,
armed to the teeth,
ready to start a war at short notice,
both are not pleased to the least,
this encounter shouldn't have happened,
that thought crosses the minds of both,
the mist is the culprit,
but how do they know that?

If porcupine is equipped with missiles and lances,
pangolin is  protected with armour plates,
both come to understand, in a second,
they stare, with no emotions in display
sniffing the air for even the faintest of signals,
they stand still, rock like, take stock.

A spell of forest seize them, tell a few things
in soft whisper, that humans fails to listen always.
Nature tell them in quick time,
the secret equation of them, in this terrain-
in smells, sounds and a hundred myriad things.

Each one reads the other's face, watch expressions,
then, in a moment the prompt of the nature is clear
Voice of the forest speaks
"Don't waste the spikes, you need them later,
Fighting with a pangolin is a wild goose chase"
"Why fight porcupine, the ant kingdom awaits"
Porcupine and pangolin, listening to the voice of wisdom,
move away quick, as if hit by a lightening
the cover of the mist lends a clever helping hand.

Go back to your violent grace
Your elegant waste
Your newspaper paste
Trained tweaker taste
It’s all good
It’s all legal after all
But the future is moving
Too slow at a rapid pace
When the rabid ones
Are not free to die
An every electrical device
Unmoving, ruins your life
Soon the candles won’t burn fire
And the night will tame all desire
Slave to light sockets
Which were paid for from your pocket
You’re walking on a street of waves
An even dead trees somehow misbehave
When on every corner, inside them all
There’s the dearest, faintest, little hum
Yeah, there’s always an end to this
But knowing them they’ll ruin it
Do a down periscope on your soul
Is there anywhere left to go
That’s not gridlocked or sold
Well, now I really know
The worst is yet to come

Life is a tiny black x on the calendar,
Wedged between play dates and rescheduled doctors appointments.
2:00 floods into 4:00, until the entire day lies crumpled at the foot of the bed,
Lifeless except for the coffee stain memories of yesterday.
Nothing happens here.
Self questions self, and we all sit criss cross apple sauce on the linoleum floor;
Is this what it means to be alive?
Red and blue parachute above our tiny shoulders,
Mixing with green, yellow, and orange wedges
The same as pizza or convenience store cheesecake.
Outside, noisy blurs of grey and black whir by
Full of passengers too preoccupied with routine to venture
Into the far off world of innocence
That softly plagues everything detached enough to feel it.
Covered in paintings of a reality that's missing all of it's fingers.
Nothing lives here- beyond the faint ripple
Of three o'clock snack time:
Rosy cheeks and small, stubby fingers concealed by apple sauce,
The preservative of youth, it slowly takes on the texture
Of dad's lung cancer-
Dying pigeons rest nostalgically upon city rooftops,
As strangers stop to admire their stagnant beauty,
Crying out acclaim for the regal presence of those
Who can bear to sit still amidst the chaos of an hour:
Cigarette and polyester feathered Madonnas of the modern world-
Installation art at its finest.
Face paint and spaghetti hair
Are only tangible until replaced with something a little closer to
Reality. The American dream sinks to the bottom of a hollow mason jar, as preservatives soak the bones
Of every tiny heart, alive enough to give out at the faintest malfunction.
Dilapidated, our heavy feet tread over spare Lego pieces,
The tiny rectangles push up against our translucent flesh-
Leaving abstract indentations of a city that never was.
Images of the earth projected upon tiny marble surfaces,
Fallen from a cardboard box that was once on isle five,
Impress upon the weary feet
Of strangers, running to throw up beneath the red, green, and yellow windows
Of a Target grocery store.
Nothing grows here, yet we eagerly pluck our wilted produce
From the clammy hands of a metal machine
Programmed one, two, three
To dilute our logic with an even mist of something
Almost like water, but with more promise.
Until, we can easily swallow the bitter pill that
Holds the secrets of the world.

Beauty is an empty cage that shakes the world anew-
Yet, falters at the slightest rage, or faintest sickly hue.
A sweet yet poisonous embrace, it slowly clogs the pores,
Of lonely men of a pious race, slumped against heavens doors.
A heavy weight upon the back of those cursed enough to bear it,
Turned to salt for looking back, now eternally doomed to share it.
The elegance of poise and grace send shackles up the palms
Of the amorous eyes of a lover's face- the most perverted kind of alms.
Oh, Aphrodite had her laugh, her poor afflicted soul,
And now she revels in the past, as penance casts its toll
Upon her sweet reflection, the sole source of her empty joy-
As her heart cries out dejection in the name of Helen of Troy.
Ah, fragile bird have you no cause- to hide your face with shame?
Does happiness subdue your flaws- or is humility to blame?
A lepers skin can hardly hold the burden of an empty nation,
Yet, still the world has bought and sold innocence for infatuation.
There's a subtle pain beneath the ring of a mother's sordid song,
Still she bites her lip as she's forced to sing,  while the audience treads on.
The ****** Mary cast her lot among those new and pure,
Then temptation came from Camelot, and knocked her to the floor.
It's faith that holds her safe and whole, a figurine atop a shelf
Alas, her eyes so bright were smeared with coal, for love has lost itself.
Yes, virtue finds her strength in those too weak to carry further,
Doomed to bear a thorny rose, eternally sworn to serve her.
She's rattling her bones again, in hope for something hidden,
Beneath the glistening shards of glass, twisting and churning within.
How sweet it is to stomp the ground of all that hides the eye
From righteousness and morals sound- is beauty but a lie?
Rituals and good intent lay stagnant at the feet
Of Cleopatra's testament, too indifferent for defeat.
Heaven thrives as the world recoils, collapsing crumpled to the floor-
A rotten corpse of ancient toils, too tired to implore.
I've heard the sirens sing their alms, with intentions pure as snow-
As sailors mindlessly follow along, cursing the maidens as they go.
There's something to be said about a grace so bent on fate
Of that which crafts a sultry face: vanity in its purest state.

The raindrips are dropping outside for a change,
some way I still feel them draining through my decrepit veins.

Thunderous applause for the storms that wage,
The wars that I've paid for with my strayful ways, day after day.

Come now,
Come play in the swaying waves forming aside my imminent lines,
The ones that play and play on,
Bouncing and rebounding around inside my mind(s).

Tip, typing away,
Fueled by the fires outside this time.
Each of these rampant keys seal away the pains that fray these frail heartstrings.

Filling the gutters with the utterances that speak the futile fightings,
Flying through the air,
With the nimbus lighting my way through the faintest of nighttime scenes,
Hoping these barely discernable dreams are the ones that will see me through the day.

Easing my restless heart with the chaos rains that thunder and pour,
They sway my mind to sleep.

Pray,
that it will all be over soon,
or perhaps,
even today.

Have heaven now **** me
Prior glimmering in its shade
Where every fear then not conclude
The stolen voices that she gave

To me on the wings and shoulders
Loosely agitated fogs
To collapse a mist of my see-throughence
Scaring blind hands reaching for love

Maybe in a whisper
Maybe in a wondering soul

Have darkness now judge me
After light has grown me old
Where often so still comes the protrusion
Of empty words from so long ago  

Along the way I've been dismantled
Now heaven lifts it's mighty blade
While wishing only to've heard the faintest
Sound of love so beautifully unfrayed

Maybe in a whisper
Maybe in a wondering soul

I am ready
to ring your rib

around my wrist
in triumph—

the faintest of relics    
enliven me. My lips

still layered
as in the night you lost them.

I hope to hammer  
your heart

& stuff its soil
in the sutures

of your skull;
I want to call that

the shadow to
kintsugi;

I want our memories never
to seep; to set

them up for decryption.
Unloving is a study—

consider an archaeologist’s
tentative hands

demystifying an artifact
once treasured for its secret

& leaving no spots
behind.

CAN'T YOU FEEL..
The gentle sound of my heartbeat,  suddenly pounding with all the intent of tearing me apart-like a lady having anxiety attacks with no help within reach?

CAN'TYOU SEE
This sparkle in ma eyes, suddenly replaced by the look of fear aroused by images deeply ingrained in my memory, Memories you created that now torture even though you meant them to teach?

CAN'T YOU HEAR?
This melodious tune turned a melancholic symphony created by my wailing n sobbing,caused by a voice once therapeutic now at its faintest sound I flinch?

CAN'T YOU SMELL?
The stench of hatred as from us it emanates and slowly it spreads into ds crowded space we share, as little by little, layers of enmity fills the air we breath?

If all these you knew then your senses would interprete

That at your touch I cower; From a feeling once sweet and tender that now drains every ounce of strength and leaves me without power.
That at the sight of these I choose blindness; Away from the ethereal face that at the sight of, leaves me numb
As to your smell I get nauseous; so nauseous
That I taste the bitterness of heartbreak
And hear the sad music my heart will play at the sound of your heart bidding mine farewell

So please, I humbly plead, let me go!
But if break my heart you must n breach my trust,
Then let all we ever shared be counted a loss and from our memories be swept away like dust,

Please!  Be fair in your dealings with me I plead
Be kind and just...
For this heart has only started to heal,
Please don't let it rot or rust..

-r3d-

The old man told his story, lost within his troubled youth
His words quite labored, heavy... his raspy voice by now uncouth
At times mixing the conversation with gin and ice, and sweet vermouth
His eyes were clear however, and I saw therein...
a quiet truth
He talked of her at length, his thoughts concise,
composed... serene
At times he’d pause, efface another silent tear he’d wished unseen
His dreams would countermand the years... love and youth,
would reconvene
She’s waiting there for him you see… The girl with eyes,
of Paris green

Some had said her ways unsound, disposition... introject
He said she knew the rumors, and she thought them all quite innocent
He told of how she’d laughed at them… of narrow minds,
and intellect
He found in her the love he’d sought, although his hope remained suspect
He looked into her eyes, and saw the faintest touch of sorrow there
Shining through the gentle mist, and the eglantine within her hair
He felt somehow her pain, although she’d kept it obscure...
nom de guerre
And so his own mistakes were viewed, in Paris green...
and sad despair

Their time together thus unfurled within this anguished declamation
Of years now spent in solitude, with lost and lonesome lamentation
For one whose essence still bestows upon his dreams, in meditation
Aspirations there arise, to leave his heart in desperation
His thoughts remained unchanged, unbroken...
memories demure
He stood to mix another drink, then paused...perhaps his mind unsure
Gathering his memories, so past and present touch... concur
And then continued once again, his sad and doleful dream of her

I listened there, throughout the night... I lie in sedentary pose
Then as I fall asleep I see the here and now,
and then... transpose
I see myself in dreams with her, but why? my heart has not disclosed
I'm lost within some late, late hour envisage... or so I suppose
I then awake alone, to find my thoughts of her and then, no clearer
The snow outside my window cannot bring her memory nearer
Though I can dream of Paris green, and all those places, so familiar
Tonight I'll listen once again, and tell my story..
to the mirror

Dean Evans
1-06-15

In English,
we’re learning about
Winston and Julia
in 1984, but
it’s 2017
all I want to study is
you.

I want to study less
about the
control and freedom
Big Brother has
and more about
the calculation of your
moves.

I want to study the way
your knuckles could be an
infant’s home, small
hands reaching out
longing for you
or the way the veins in
your arm makes abstract art,
beautiful enough to be showcased
in any gallery.

I understand now why they say
“as pretty as a painting.” Because
you’re as timeless and
breathtaking as
Mona Lisa.

And your blue iris's,
swirl with dark and light
tones with a slight
a golden glint,
I could stare into them for longer
than any
Starry Night.

Maybe,
I’m just better suited to an art class.
I want to learn the primaries
so I can swirl them all together and
get your dark brown hair.
I want to add the most expensive
white, so I can paint the
faint freckles on your nose and

I want to mix blue and red adding water
until the colour is a perfect match
for the faintest birthmark
on your shoulder.

Instead of the History of Russia,
I want to learn the History
of you.
I want to learn what makes you smile
and what makes you cry.

I want to study you,  
I use each brush stroke to
perfect your skin,
each pen writes down
notes until
I have a whole book
full of each heartbreak,
so I can learn a lesson
in you.

I know my standards should be raised from someone who hardly acknowledges my being a person, but every day of every week of every month the smallest recollection of you cause an overwhelming sensation of euphoria, not even happiness but euphoria.
I ponder the smallest conversation, the faintest touch; every piece of you gives my being more reason to go on.  And you don't even know it.  But still I say: euphoria.
When given the chance my mind runs races of just what we could be.  All far fetched--  all ungraspable fantasies, but the thought of us as one keeps me afloat.  Euphoria.

I force myself to stop, to grasp the truth instead, I loathe these sensational battles with what will never be.  But I always pray to feel it again:

Euphoria.

Smiley was a face without features.  We called her smiley in grammar school because that is what she appeared to be since the doctors had sewn her lips shut in a permanent smile criss crossed with thread so as to appear more human.  She was my best friend, and I the town crazy.  She was seen as an animal because she often imitated the likeness of a feline and she would often lick the back of her hand and catwalk as well as lounge like one sometimes.  She would try to meow but only the slightest mew would come out, the faintest high e.  She could still open her mouth slightly after all so as to breath.  I would often photograph her in various environments with artistically appropriate themes and her image would appear slightly more angelic with every picture.  With every strip of film, she became more and more endearing.  Her outer shell really was the polar opposite of what her heart encompassed.  Her face was as if a beautiful girl’s however it was only the template before all the details were added.  She was a girl before her second face was put on in front of the vanity.  I loved her deeply.  She had not a clue, so caught up in herself and for good reason too.  I remained single and didn’t care for making it official or taking the next step because she was my best friend anyways and all we had was each other.  So for 10 years we grew old together.  10 years. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9-… just counting 10 seconds seems unbearable… but I enjoyed every second of the ten years as if it were melted butter clogging my arteries with their undeniable grasp on my taste buds.  Smiley was all I could ever want in a lady because she was unwanted by every other male.  She was a rose in glass casing, except that she too was made of glass.  
​So, I couldn’t take it anymore one day and so I staged for us to have a video shoot for an art video I was creating to go along with the song I had written about her several years back.  The guitar work had finally reached a level of mastery that I thought was appropriate for how much classical beauty I saw radiating from this girl’s unemotive face.  I called the song, “A blank canvas.”  I was actually part of this piece as well and so a cameraman was hired.  We went on a long crazy trip through the city on horse & carriage.  We went to a ball, danced and later on to a scenic restaurant overlooking the city and got some great shots of us holding each other on a transparent balcony and again with several different ice sculptures.  At the end of the video I finally mustered up the courage and with her eyes granting me permission in the way that only I would be able to recognize I took out my pocket knife… cut loose the thread… slowly pulled it through and finally unraveled her lips so as to kiss them for the first time in the rest of our lives together.

838

Impossibility, like Wine
Exhilarates the Man
Who tastes it; Possibility
Is flavorless—Combine

A Chance’s faintest Tincture
And in the former Dram
Enchantment makes ingredient
As certainly as Doom—

on beds of fragrant sights
through charms of sourest deeds
it rains away all spring
all when my heart bleeds

--------------------------------------------------------­--------------------------------------------------------------

i­ know not who i'll be
or what i really am
an immemorial soul
in nimbler storms which swam

among the crowd of flowers
so sickeningly sweet
would lie the boldest aphids
upon the roses feed

my feathers trod on winds
challenge His modest grace
through marching fleet of life
in ****** shadows laid

with semblance of a calm
in grooves of wilderness
in arms of ecstasy
which life stands to confess

but how shall these two feet
embark a lonely trip
perhaps find love so still
as dew on roses' lip

------------------------------------------------------------­----------------------------------------------------------

in faintest of moonlights
on dewy grasses seen
inscribed upon my palm
is meaning of my being.

I'm no man of steel,
But my love is strong, my heart real.
Into the air...no, I'm unable to fly,
But  would take a bullet...
For you i'd die.
I can not see through walls or any such thing at all,
But I'd surely catch you if you should fall.
I can not leap a tall building in a single bound,
But believe me, no harm shall be fall you when I'm around.
I'm not strong enough to bend steel with my bare hands,
But I am strong enough to be your man.
While I do not possess laser beams that shoot from my  eyes,
I do have two lips to kiss you tenderly I'll tell you no lies.
I can not out run a speeding train, break the sound barrier like
a supersonic plane.
But I will be ever quick to ease all of your pain.
I do not have super ears with which the faintest sounds to hear,
but have no fear for I am always near.
I can not withstand the fieriness of the suns heat or bone freezing cold.
But I will love and honor you even as we both grow old.
I am not the bravest man nor have I ever been bold.
But I mean these words with all of my heart...all of my soul.
And know this, come what may... I shall never falter, I shall never fade.
No matter how heavy the weight, I will not fold.
I will always be here for you to have and to hold.
No...I'm no man of steel, but I'm real. I...am...real.
I want, I need, cut me, I bleed.
I laugh, I cry, I live and I shall die.
With each passing day I shall love you more.
Together forever our hearts will soar.
From beginning to end, you shall always be my best friend.
Though I may not have telescopic site.
I'll keep you in my minds eye,
For you are my weakness...my kryptonite.
What I feel is real but...I'm no man of steel.
No I'm no man of steel.

My tireless candles grow shorter still and yet they burn
Waiting for a gaze from skies so blue
Every joy of life slowly comes in a form which turns
From tears into heartfelt lighted views

Dreaming within a ring of doubts, yet thinking not
I sleep at last while my candles burn
The faintest flush begins blooming flaming hot
For the joy of life for which I yearn

In a land blotted out of the things time is haunting
My tireless candles burn ceaselessly
While every joy of life comes in the gaze
They are awaiting
I still dream as they flicker next to me

My tireless candles grow shorter still, from my dreams I wake
To hear my name braising within their flame
Every joy of life for which I yearn
I awake to take
Outside the ring of doubts
That called my name

Chocolate on chocolate,
the faintest tang of
apricot jam with a side
of whipped cream. Oh, yes!
Decadent, scrumptious
sachertorte.
Sigh!

Teardrop                                                         ­       
                                                                ­  that
                                                                ­beauty
                                                          sits inside the
                                                     tears - sweat, sliding
                                                  down  your skin - slowly
                                               dripping  down  to fall where  
                                          memories lie awaiting - the smallest
                                        ripple  on  a  pond - a  wave  so  subtly
                                      starting - the  faintest  tingle  whimpering
                                  for  its life’s exasperation - wants some  simple
                                recognition, a tiny touch of reckoning - shed that  
                              drop  that  comes  to  cause­  the  wave’s  unbridled
                            movement - be  the   pin’s   undying  call  in   a   room
                          plush packed in silence - that  saline  drip on weathered
                           floors   that  saw  this  life  worth  making - gives  this
                               road   a  worthy  end,  or  bend  since  path’s  are
                                wending - ride  the  bead  that  singing  tells, the
                                    ticking,  tocking  resilienc­e - the  glistening
                                        few that beating drum - through shine,
                                                with  ligh­t,  the  spectrum.
                                              ­                - *BRD

On the other side
of perfect
between the golden
silky lines
is the mirrored world
we live in
where ties
don't always
            fully bind
they unravel
at the seams
get frayed
so rough and broken
as the blood and sweat
and screams
replace the words
of love unspoken
and we all have
a place for fake
for presentation,
a kind of lie
but the truth
snaps us awake
as we choose to live
or perhaps to die
Yes, some of us
might disintegrate
in the wake of
destruction's wrath
not seeing for the
      blindness
that pain causes
on the path
for we forget
             that light
inside us
in our darkest
stings of wounds
we forget how
           high voltage wavelengths
reside within
the numbness
that consumes
and once reflection
melts the glass
and throws self-hate
into the fire
this is the hour
of miracles
of faintest stains
that take us higher
our deepest inner
whispers
that roll discreetly
through our veins
rumbling humbly
between heartbeats
that push the
bloodflow pumping,
igniting sparks
inside our brains
and whilst my heart
is battle-shattered
it quickens up in pace
as I electrify myself
and to the heavens
                turn my face
let the wild sunset
bathe my soul in
shades of shocking blue
for after every
combat encounter
I rise again
              anew

Nobody loves you like I do
Nobody knows you like I do
The birds sing their faintest lullabies
Whenever the orphans begin to cry
The words you say have scared me to death
And knocked me out until there was no life left
The sonnets are now fresh and warm...
While the sun seeps through the clouds
The ending of the prolonged thunderstorm

The slightest whisper of the warmest touch
The breath of motion in the still of night
Blood rushes to the surface leaving fire in its wake,
as it follows the slightest movement,
the faintest touch, the longing for more
Electricity jumps the gap
Intensity amplified by the exquisite ache
Stirring deep within
Radiating shock waves that tether
Two becoming one

You're the faintest memory,
But the strongest one.
Ended without a sorry,
Also ended with none.

You're the prologue,
That broke me so bad,
You're the epilogue,
Of the days we had.

You're a short chapter,
But the most memorable one.
What sorrow more sweeter?
When to you I never won.

As I rest my eyes in their shade
I smell them
my fingers
and smell
objects I’ve touched
from hour one.
I try to smell through
the layers of odors
the faintest from morn’s playing
with her hair,
the less precious ones,
toothpaste, tea, newspaper
soap, keyboard,
the sandwich at lunch -
a cocktail of smell
I picked
as I live another day.

“Baa”, Bylon fell into a soft woolen sigh
Hoping a bright star would cross the great sky
For these now were the long nights of the year
And to miss her nightly wish was her humble fear
To be safe and keep healthy, and also from harm
Was a wish she’d kept constant for those on the farm
But tonight the stars set still in their twinkling
And for hope of a change, Bylon had just an inkling
Zion, the lion had sprung from the sun
Come out of the union with the infinite One
Born of fire, his desire was to teach what he’d learned
From inside the live spirit, whereas he had burned
For more knowledge, more wisdom and that in between
From experiences he foresaw and those he had seen
His fiery launch propelled him to the planet of life
Where he wished to release at least one lamb from strife
Her eyes, they met the fire from afar
Happy at last to see her shooting star
She knew she had waited for this night to come
And as it drew nearer, she became numb
It was brighter than any she’d seen before
A brilliant blue-violet emerged from its core
Larger in size it grew as it approached
A ball of flames and sparks burst when our sky it touched
With this fiery display, Bylon’s mouth was agape
Gasping in awe with the flames taking shape
They formed a large head atop a four-legged frame
As she noticed its tail, she heard “Zion’s my name
I will not harm you, please trust me”, he demanded
“As you can see, I’ve not burned where I’ve landed
Your fleece won’t catch fire, for the flames are illusion
Made of pure light to aid my propulsion”
Bylon’s fear soon faded from Zion’s assurance
Yet still was amazed by the recent occurrence
She managed to mumble some sort of a greeting
She admitted “I’m humbled by this fantastic meeting
Your majestic appearance has built my suspense
I imagine your purpose here is just as intense”
Zion now brightened with his chance to speak
“My Father was right, you’re incredibly meek
Of course all that he says is always the truth
And I’m happy he sent me in the prime of your youth
For the task he set forth for me to present
Is much more marvelous than my display of descent
You have been chosen to journey the planets within
This system of orbs where they do more than spin”
“Their attitudes differ as like the animals here
And the attributes they share most subtly appear
In fact as we pass the atmosphere here and now…”
“We’re already in outer space!” She exclaimed “Wow!”
“We’ve decided on lady’s first, my Father and I
So off to the planet Venus you and I will fly”
As they glided through space guided by a blue-greenish glow,
Bylon’s expression inside began to surface and grow
She smiled with glee, her eyes wide with surprise
Zion glowed even greater when he caught a glimpse of her eyes
A look of sadness and welled up tears of bliss
And sooner than she’d thought, they’d come to Venus
Bylon began to sense a magnificent pleasance
As they crossed over into the planet’s comfortable essence
A complete warming comfort caused her to tingle inside
While fearlessly floating in a free-falling glide
The two of them softly landed on billowing gas
A substance that sustained as planetary mass
It swirled around and soon started to whisper
She spoke “I am Venus, please feel at home here”
And Bylon did, as Zion knew she would
For the surrounding energy was only good
The voice of Venus was like the song of a bird
The most beautiful sound Bylon had ever heard
She assured them they were welcome as long as they were there
And soon she bid farewell to the pair
They departed and felt at ease with the journey
They were traveling now to Mercury for learning
For he was the most educated of the bunch
And they’d arrived there with precise timing for lunch
Mercury was prepared and shared with them food
For to do any different would have made him feel rude
The food was served warm as was his generous banter
When he played music and sang, he was the enchanter
His charm was abundant, and his knowledge was great
They had learned much in the time to clear a plate
Feeling mentally full and digestively fit
Restlessness set in, causing inability to sit
Bylon expressed how gracious this time had been
Zion agreed, sharing Bylon’s ear-to-ear grin
Mercury gave his regards and bid them a safe and swift trip
“Hope you catch Mars in a good mood” was his departing tip
Zion assured Bylon there was no cause for worry
And with a flash, off to Mars, all around becoming blurry
When they came closer to the red planet of war
There could be heard a loud noise, as if the sky had just tore
A rippling resonance was felt as they still flew through space
There was a fierce storm brewing at a marvelous pace
Dense and coarse clouds of sand swirled around on the ground
Flying rock and ferocious flurries created a deafening sound
It was frightening, Bylon voiced, to see such a display
Zion assured her, “This turmoil is his only way
To express his frustrations and fears open and free
And release the pressure that he harbors beneath
For Mars is the protector of the bodies in this system
As a passionate warrior, he‘s proud to assist them
There’s a spot we can land in the eye of the storm
As we touch down there you may feel quite warm”
With a turbulent landing, Bylon felt less at ease
The storm’s cyclonic friction added several degrees
Enough to make the usually cold planet quite hot
For this size of a storm, though, this seemed a safe spot
“To what do I owe the pleasure?” bellowed the red planet
Mars strives for the best measure, just as he planned it
“We come with peaceful intent”, Zion now pleaded
“I’m curious to know your discontent” Bylon bleated
“Are you actually worried about being attacked?”
“This is more than protection, as a matter of fact.”
“This is how I display my deepest passions”
“Through my physical aggressive actions”
“If challenged, I keep intact my defenses”
“This seems to hone my other present senses”
“Interesting,” spoke Bylon “you are quite frank.”
“For your honesty and candor I do thank”
Zion added “It’s nice that we can feel safe here”
“In the midst of this, and yet free from fear”
“Regardless, we should probably be on our way”
“It has been nice here after all” Bylon began to say
Mars bade them farewell, and let up on the storms
His personality seemed to surface in so many forms
Bylon, feeling anxious about meeting another
“Let’s visit Jupiter, the next planetary brother”
“His large size is quite impressive to me” said she
“Plus I’ve heard good things of his philosophy”
Zion added “it is true, he has quite a broad-mind”
“His nature towards others I find to be kind”
The moons of Jupiter alone were amazing
Bylon thought, as she found herself gazing
Io, Callisto, Ganymede, and Europa were just four
Further observance spotted evidence of even more
Upon arrival Jupiter provided a most jovial welcome
“I’m happy to see you made it this far” he tells them
Zion filled him in of how well it had been going
“Although I’m sure you will end up knowing,”
“Due to your extensive knowledge of this system”
“Without such data it would be hard to assist them”
“This is true” acknowledged Jupiter, “of their history, how”
“It relates to all that is to come and what is here now”
“For the cycles that encompass our existence in space”
“Help us observe the rhythm behind their embrace”
“We’ve seen comets return, and their hint of a path”
“With which we calculate through the precision of math”
“And in turn this must give you a broader perspective”
Bylon spoke thoughtfully “It must keep you most active”
“Keeping tabs on this wildly diverse planetary tribe”
“And in this you must take quite a bit of pride”
“I try to be a modest giant in their midst” Jupiter said
“Not wanting any of them to think I have a big head”
Zion thought the large planet to be very admirable
To speak of his great role and still remain humble
Thanking generous Jupiter for his cheery disposition
The gracious lion reminded Bylon of their mission
As Bylon gratefully extended a reluctant goodbye
Zion launched them up and through Jupiter’s sky
In a twist, a turn and the faintest flicker of his tail
The two now eyed a course for Saturn and set sail
Bylon was suddenly amazed by the sight before her
Brilliantly colored rings that beckoned any explorer
Zion explained to her the protection she’d been granted
From the hot and cold planets on which they’d landed
He also noted that with Saturn it would differ slightly
As his coldness was from inside a place locked tightly
For Saturn was the most reserved of all planets known
But from his wisdom we all have greatly grown
He patiently ponders many mysteries from within
Giving the necessary thought through meditation
“I have been expecting you”, Saturn gravely claimed
“It’s nice of you to come on the day that was named”
“After an old Italian corn god who once had a week”
“Revered in his honor for which I no longer seek”
“So for all of God’s purposes I accept my position”
“Ancient insight bestowed through introspective vision”
“And yet, like most times, I want to be alone”
“So I’ll send you two on the way you are going”
From the rings surrounding they took their flight
To the planet known for the system’s darker side
This would be Uranus, who behaved a bit odd
Erratic was his usual behavior, more often than not
(unfinished ballad)

When the moon retires running her length
the river lies a fishbone on the white plate
feebly breathing like the slosh from oars,
the shadow digs a hole in the bush.

The faintest chill rattles don't escape
and the chatters dull as broken notes,
the shadow picks up from the mist
with the intent of an absorbed dreamer.

The gold diggers in that forbidden land
filter their preys keen to fill some more
from the mines lining the grey riverbank
with each reap a little closer to attainment.

The precise compass weighs the measure
tightening the muscles into a symphony
for that climb onto the ****** in one spring
before stealing the stilled, deep into silence.

It's happened again.
I forgot why I'm here.
The reason to stay, is lost to time once more.
I always imagine I'll hold under the pressure.
Maybe it's too much this time.
But then again, maybe not.
There's a glimmer I see, faint as can be.
Far in the distance.
It grows as I stare.

“No one is ever satisfied with the success, is ever satisfied with the success, is ever satisfied with the dream.  It’s the hunger before a meal when you realize how good it is to be alive.”

With each passing day I feel youth slip from my bones like scoops
falling off a summer ice cream cone to blistering pavement. 

All of my friend’s dogs are dying of old age just like mine. 

Childhood trees we used to climb have either grown too tall to reach
or were struck by lightning.  Decisions, no matter how trivial, become monumental
in the scope of time.  There is no end in sight…only the faintest memory of humble beginnings, leading us
blindly into the vacuum of tomorrow, ******* the dreams from our head to feed the plague of survival.

That’s why you bruise with a breath.  Your heart beats too hard for your house of card frame.  Your body—desert willow—thrives on nothing, pumping cells full of carrots, vitamins and codeine.

Last night, While you were sleeping, I sank to the bottom of the ocean
with a seven mile chain attached to a thousand pound anchor and a Swiss army knife.  Slipping
through seasons I fell colder and deeper and darker, waving and giggling as I sank
for miles, watching the surface light blur and fade completely until I was in night,
a gentle pulse of luminescence massaging me with it’s glow, the old-ironsides squid laughing,
the rave fish pulsing with dinner plate pupils, the leather armor jellyfish are calm as Sunday's first ****,
and the flat rainbow fish spin their data and vanish into black.

All I think I know at 22:
Why they call this the information age;
What Buddy meant when he said, “There is a distance the size of bravery”;
This is the best part.

I haven't been here in awhile. This section of Wonderland is almost foreign to me, after all this time. I have teetered upon its edge for ages, but now I have finally fallen in, down the rabbit hole, and I do not know when I will be able to get out.

The dark parts of Wonderland,  where the Jabberwocky roams free, have terrify me and always will. The simple thought of that monster lurking in my head brings a slew of tears to my face, a torrential downpour of my own misery. I do not trust the Jabberwocky, for it brings ideas, hallow, dark ideas to the front of my brain and causes me to wander in the frozen desert or extract my blood from my own skin, and I do not know myself anymore.

Each word is shaky, I cannot feel it on the tip of my tongue, I am numb. No one here in New Wonderland understands the Jabberwocky; hell, only the White Rabbit and the Dormouse really understood it in Old Wonderland, and my heart still broke relentlessly, like tides on a beach.

Those not from Old have rejected the Jabberwocky side of me, and that terrifies me. What if everyone here fears the Jabberwocky? I understand that fear; no one expects sweet, innocent Grace to also be the monster screaming under their bed, but I need people. I need people who know and understand and accept that tough I can be broken and horrific and abhorrent and repulsive that Grace is still there underneath it all and she needs love. She needs it more than she'll ever admit.

Words. I have lost them. I haven't the faintest clue what's left to say, for the Jabberwocky is ruthless and hateful of my words, and I'm lucky to have gotten this far. In my dreams I am whole, in my imagination the Jabberwocky was gone, but I know now it has not left me.

It never will.

This is not the person you once knew,
my face is dried and thin.
I haven't got the faintest clue,
how the picture remains,
nor who,
why,
or when.
I only recall some old 'honey' song
And how every line would begin,
"I love, love, love you."
As if to not speak of love was a sin.
I no longer know what to say or do,
struggling to remorse here once again.
It hasn't been very long,
but I feel I have forgotten the feel of your skin.

He’d been able, after some gentle persistence,
To wheedle his way into the place
(He’d been vaguely recognized by the caretaker,
A certain affable familiarity his stock in trade, after all)
And he had been decidedly deliberate in his search for the shoes,
Though he’d been quite certain where he’d left them,
Simply hoping to drink this all in just one more time
But though the rooms were ostensibly unchanged
(He'd noted the odd knick-knack and piece of bric-a-brac
Had been secreted out, to be preserved or pawned)
They held no fascination for him now,
Simply concoctions of hardwood flooring,
Decorative wall coverings, staid pieces of furniture
(Indeed, the paterfamilias of this whole mélange
Increasingly beyond his recall-- he could hearken back
To a certain hail-fellow-well-met in his demeanor,
And he'd had an affecting smile,
But he was unable to conjure any further details
From the recesses of his memory)
And with nothing else to moor him to these silent rooms,
He'd slipped on the ostensible reasons he'd come in the first place
(Their uppers maintaining their whiteness
Through any number of bleachings,
The soles worn to a near smoothness)
And, nodding perfunctorily to the mansion's steward,
He slipped away, heading to some other party
Carrying on in more or less perpetuity,
The battered bottoms of his shoes
Leaving just the faintest marks as he crossed the dunes,
Soon to be buffed away altogether by the breeze.

I would scale the highest
most decrepit radio towers in the world
the rusted metal crumbling against my feet
Risking electrocution and the constant threat of falling
as I rewire the ancient spiderweb of cabling
so I can hear even the faintest transmission of your voice
I'll clutch a stained and faded photograph of us
The only remainder after most everything digital
dies out in flickers of dormant transistors and dissipated binary
I'll protect it from acidic rain and the grit of persistent dust storms
So little resources left in a continent of incinerated cities
yet this picture of you and I is all I will need to keep moving
When I finally find you
I will fight against all impossible odds and potential ends
I'll walk entire burnt out highways with you just to make one last stand
I will carry you across these deserted wastelands and returning forests
To show that even after the bombs drop
My love belongs to you