It's that half smile of yours
the one that you make
when you're making me moan
and you're enjoying yourself
simply by making me enjoy you.
Your eyes
so concentrated
but so calm
and they look at me
like they're reading my mind
like everything I'm thinking
is written in my eyes.
Your hands move over me
like they're retracing a familiar place
like they've been there many times before
but still have so much more to explore.
You know me too well
and not at all.
You're comfortable
and amazed
all at the same time.
You love me the most
when we're all alone.


*s.mndi

How could you not fall for
an angel like her?
nobody in their right mind,
not a single person could resist
all that she is and comes with,
h*eaven and hell alike.


s.mndi

I am my father's daughter
the apple of his eye
that didn't fall too far from his tree
the fruit of the same loom
that I use to weave my web of lies
always shady
like I'm perpetually standing under those branches

I am my mother's daughter
her second cracked egg
that should have grown into a dove
but came out a vulture instead
didn't need a nudge to leave the nest
I was first to fly the coop
a free bird
while the others flew straight into a cage

Now the tree went up in flames
and took the nest with it
and I'm starting to think that
maybe
I was a Phoenix all along
and from the ashes
comes the new soil
that I need
to grow.


*s.mndi

When she kisses me?
It's like a fairytale in reverse.
Her lips put me under a trance.
Instead of waking me up
I fall into a deep unconsciousness.
Rather than breaking a spell
she puts me under her own.
Maybe that's the reason
I'm always dreaming of her.


*s.mndi

Do not deny me the simple privilege of expressing to you all the truths that I see. The pleasure in speaking my feelings. I need to tell you that you are beautiful. I need to say it.
I need to put it out there into the world and hear it.
I need to remind you, as well as myself, how lucky I am to be staring at something so divine.
Because oh god, you are what beauty is.
In every sense and tense of the word.
You are now,
were yesterday,
and will be tomorrow
a creature forged by the godly hands of Aphrodite
in all her glory.
A gift to all around you.
A pleasure to look at,
to speak to,
to think of.
You are a vision and I'd like you to know that.


s.mndi

I want you to crush me
light me up
and breathe me in.
Inhale
and hold me
in your breath
until I burn holes
in your lungs.
And then hold me some more.
I want you to mourn for me
as you exhale
and I dance
in ripples and rings
my way into the atmosphere.
I will sail
through endless schools of stars
like a lost fish
in a foreign sea
trying to find my home.
And maybe it's
just a few galaxies
away
or in an
entirely different universe
altogether.
But until I find it
I'll wander
free.

(I'll miss you)


*s.mndi

i had dreams of meeting outer space
running laps around the rings
alien murmurs like whispered sweet nothings
snorting cosmic dust
leads to
eyes that grow like eclipses
starlight sticking to my skin
initials carved in moon rocks
hurled through the stars like a telegraph service
it wasn't until i met you
that i felt the gravitational pull
it was you holding me to the earth
i didn't mind
suddenly space felt empty
it was small and you were vast
i pulled my head out of the clouds
and laid it on your chest
your eyes shone with the glitter of the cosmos
putting the twinkling stars to shame
black holes were filled
in me and in the universe
i stopped yearning for the undisturbed quiet
the minute i heard your heartbeat
through thin fabric and skin
and as cold as it was above the atmosphere
it was no comparison to the cold felt
when your body was away from mine
similar to how the moon would feel
should the sun ever cease to shine on it
the chill of unprepared absence
you became the center point
a bouquet of warmth and light
and life on earth
without you
was no longer possible


                                                      ­        *smndi

You changed me.
You made me better.
You gave me back my sanity -
     you became it.
I didn't need drugs to get away. I needed you.
I escaped to you. And felt safe and free again -
but like never before.
I was getting high without coming down
     and I craved it.
I had no more reasons to search for escapes
and I had no more excuses to defend my findings.
I had to quit everything else
and survive on you
because I had let myself become addicted
and I didn't care
I wasn't scared.
I felt sane again
and it was all thanks to
                                  you.


*s.mndi

not many people know what it feels like to cut themselves open in slow motion and feel the blood drops change from raindrops to tidal waves before their very eyes,
that were coincidently dripping too.
similar to the way it felt when my feelings for you started to pour through and all i could do was try to hold them all back and stitch up the cracks before i'd lost too much and fallen too hard, landing in a puddle of red that could very well have been what was left of my broken heart.


↠mndi➣

I'm battling my own demons while at the same time fighting off hers
like a prince slaying dragons for the princess
she never asked you to, but you do it anyways
don't get me wrong
she's no damsel in distress
she's her own knight in toughest armor
but you're still there
to pull the sword from the stone
when she just can't find the strength
to kiss her awake
when she can't get herself out of bed
to free her from whatever tower
she's locked up inside of
because my life may not be a fairytale
but I'll be ****** if I don't make hers feel like one.


ᴍjᴍ

She is the angry burn of alcohol.
The choking feeling when you've taken too many shots
in too little time.
She is the fire in your chest when brave little you took a hit bigger than the clouds in the Seattle sky.
She is the unmistakeable
unshakeable
fear
brought on by the bad acid trip.
The pinch,
poke,
& sting
of the needles in your arm.
She is the abused substances
and she is the abuse
that drove you to them.
She is twice as addictive
three times as dangerous
and there are no Twelve Steps
or support groups
or miraculous stories of survival.

You'll never be clean again.


*s.mndi

well you've been all over the place
born and raised in the southern states
dragged back to california
but you had nothing going for you
so you moved up north to the bay
san francisco livin', drank your life away
ended up in rehab with a price to pay
so next came moving day
and you came back down to the palms
and you moved back into your moms
but we fell in love and you started staying with me
we had it good until you needed to get free
so you got a little place downtown
didn't take long til you stopped coming around
but I know that's nothing new
that's what you do
you make a place your own and then you move
you're there to have fun
and when it's done you're on the run
so really what I'm saying is
there's no place you're from
just places you've been
and getting you to stay was battle I couldn't win.


                                                          ­       *smndi

i wished on a falling star that you would love me back.
the wish, along with the star, seems to have crashed and burned.


↠mndi➣

My brother, it's as if we're speaking of a ghost
when we speak of you.
Your name
constantly accompanied by
"remember when"s and "I miss"es.
But you're not gone,
you're just away
on a little trip that turned
into an extended stay.
But it's no vacation paradise.
It's like you took a one way flight
into a bird cage
and you watched the door slam shut
right behind you
with nothing you or I could do.
And it pains me to see
because you're such a free spirit
but they strapped a name tag to you
and made you their pet.
Threw you in with the convicted rest
until you rebelled
and they kept you by yourself.
Well over a year spent in solitude
and when they let you out
you weren't the same.
And mom, she wasn't either.
I swear I saw her flinch every time she heard your name.
Little brother, he's the spitting image of you.
Like he's trying to make up for your loss.
A stand in
a mini me
every time he laughs it's your face I see.
He wears your hat every single day
and it breaks my heart
he wants to be just like you
and I pray he doesn't take after your bad parts too.
You're coming home soon
and as happy as I am
I'm scared to death it won't be long
before you're back at it again.
Rehabilitated is an empty word
you know what it means but it's something you've never heard.
You are what you will always be.
Even if what you're not is free.


*s.mndi

i got really good at living in my head when i was a kid
and now i can't seem to find my way out.

how much is reality?
which parts did i wish to see?

i'll make believe
i never saw your face
beneath the moon

but that glow will forever
haunt me

and i'll long for you
every n i g h t

In a town just up the mountain
straight out of an old John Wayne movie
where there's no parking lots
just places to tie up your horse
and the jail has one cell
and you'd expect to see Billy the Kid
breaking out of it any minute now
joshua trees
and tumble weeds
and all the bars have swinging doors
and there's a coffin leaning up against one of the walls
of the bar with the swinging doors
that's where you took me to your favorite place in the whole world
a restaurant
where a different band plays every night
with a different sound and a different look
from ones composed of old hippies and cowboys
playing their accordions and mandolins
singing old folk songs that everybody just knows
you don't know how you know
you just do
and then to the band of kids
straight out of suburbia
singing songs about ******* and heartache
with their hair slicked back
and their pants rolled up
and their moms are sitting right there
in a table right in front of the stage
eating burgers and salads and talking about the burgers and salads
then there's the girl from New York
she spells her name real weird and keeps her hair long and flowing
just like her dress
and she sings about empty motel rooms
and the Bhagavad Gita
and she tells stories in between songs
and there's writing all over the bathroom walls
little gems like
"what would Joan Jett do?"
or
"punks not dead, punks sleepin' drunk"
but mostly
just names of lovers in hearts
sometimes just initials like a secret code only they know
and the dates that they became lovers
there's paintings on all the doors
horses and hookers and cowboys under the stars
and all the walls around the stage
are covered in license plates
one from California from 1939
one shaped like a bear from Canada
one from Saskatchewan
wherever that is
and all the drinks
come in mason jars
and all the candles on the tables do too
and none of the chairs match
but that just makes them all unique
you're sitting in a one of a kind
but the whole place is really one of a kind
and that's why it's her favorite
she finds all these things to be just beautiful
not to mention the bartender keeps giving her free drinks
because it's her birthday and they take her word for it
and she's making friends with all the hippies
and she's dancing under the strings of lights
and we're kissing under the dark black sky
and I've never seen her so happy.


*s.mndi

The ice it clinks
the straw it stirs
you're making drinks
that won't drown her

She's up all night
you put her to bed
but she puts up a fight
falls asleep with the drink in her hand

Sneak out for a smoke
she's fast asleep anyway
when I came back, she awoke
baby why'd you go away?

But shh you're there now
she's already passed out again
with her little body curled around
yours, she's asleep with a grin.


*s.mndi

I want to tell you that you'll be okay.
That you'll bounce back right away.
That everything you're going through
is nothing new
you've seen and done it all before
nothing scares you anymore
you brushed off those scars and every bruise too
you don't need anything left to remind you.
You're tougher than that
you always pull through.
And I'll be right here
to make sure you do.
If there's anything you fear
and there may still be a few
darling, I'm always near
watching over you.



*s.mndi

The way the sunlight tiptoes in through the cracks of the blinds each morning to kiss you awake, well I could swear it rises just for you.


                                                          ­                   *mndi.

it's not your fault baby bird
they never taught you how to fly.
you were forced out of the nest
while they watched you fall and die.

We stood in the parking lot with our heads up in the sky.
She showed me where the Big Dipper was. I was thrilled.
I showed her where the Little Dipper was. She was skeptical.
We found Orion's Belt together and argued over whether or not we were seeing the right things.
I could have spent all night with her under those stars.
Each constellation watching us.
People gazing.

But the pain of being stuck there on earth started to overwhelm.
I wanted desperately to take her up into space to become our own little string of stars.
Put us together in a nice spot and wait for other lovers down on earth to gaze upon us.


s.mndi

You didn't know what to say anymore.
So you didn't.
You picked up your guitar
and you played for me some more.
You sang for me
songs we'd danced to before.
And it hurt but I smiled
and listened to you.
You played all my favorite songs
that were all your favorites too.
I watched you
you, with your eyes closed shut.
The petals fell from the sunflowers
and your room got dark and cold.
You sang songs you'd written in rehab
that you swore weren't written for other girls
but when you sang them
your eyes got still
and I could swear you were remembering someone.
That was our last night together.
And I didn't know it at the time,
but that was the last music I would hear.


*s.mndi

How much can you really love a person
if you can't love them when you're sober?
I'm starting to think my love affair
isn't really with you,
it's with Captain Morgan.


                                                       xo, *smndi

her veins stick out real dark and her skins as pale as her cigarette smoke.
they look like deep blue rivers running through the snow.
her lips look like rose petals floating in milky waters.
and they're soft like them too.
her eyes are the beautiful red brown color of the trees,
surrounded by snow.
and the way they light up when she looks at me,
it's as if they're wrapped in christmas lights too.
her hair as dark as the winter night sky and soft as the light of the stars.
and her skin, always cold to the touch.
no matter how close we're cuddled together,
pretending it's for the warmth but really it's for the pleasure,
her skin always feels like an ice skating rink
and my fingers turn into little ice dancers and figure skaters,
giving her even more chills.
and when she moans, and i can see the fog of her breath rolling out,
i can't tell you how good it feels to literally watch the pleasure escape from her.
or when her entire body shutters under mine
and i know it's not because she's cold.
she's like my favorite season come to life
and maybe that's why i adore her so much.


                                                              ­                        ↠mndi➣

I miss you less and less each day
and that breaks my heart in every way.


                                                ↠mndi➣

I want a girl with eyes like daggers
that tear her up when she's looking at me
with a mind that badgers
and I know it's thinking about me

I want a girl with hair so wild
but eyes that could calm the sea
with a voice that smiles
every time it's talking about  me

I want a girl with a real good grip
and hands as soft as sunlight
with her arms wrapped 'round my hips
sleeping next to me all night

I want a girl that likes to read
so she can read all that I write about her
a constant source of inspiration to me
she never lets me run out of words

I want a girl that likes to ****
and wouldn't mind falling asleep right after
with a talent for making her own luck
and getting  people to fall for her

I want a girl that wants me too
that made a list of qualities I happen to possess
I want to know you're right for me and I'm right for you
and we won't turn this into a mess.

                                                               ­                     
                                           ­                                      *smndi

Honey, pay attention
I've been craving your affection

I've been deprived of you
for too long it's true

I'm going mad without your touch
a simple kiss would mean so much

I know the fun you get from teasing
but just this once, let's skip to pleasing

*s.mndi

Sleep does not come easy
when I'm not sleeping with you.
I'm so used to doing it
not alone, but part of two.
There's too much room
in this here bed
there's a pillow here
missing your head.
And my heads missing your lips
I can't sleep tonight
not without that goodnight kiss.
The moon looks in my window
watching with empathy I'm sure
she knows this lonesome feeling
her lover too sleeps not with her.
Sad insomniacs
with empty sheets and empty arms
you're somewhere else asleep without me
the thought alone just does me harm.
If I could rearrange the stars like monkey bars
I'd cross this desert straight to you
if I had to dodge through speeding cars
let me tell you, there's not a thing I wouldn't do.
My eyes are growing tired
but my mind is racing with thoughts of you
it won't seem to let me sleep tonight
I think it's trying to run to you too.


*s.mndi

with the invention of humans
the universe became conscious
of itself.

I rearranged the scars on your arms and formed a roadmap
I asked you to take me somewhere
                                                               and you took my finger
                                           and you traced it down their paths
we went for a walk and
                                                             ­           I went every place
                                                           ­                    met every face
that tried to rip you open
but you sealed yourself back up
and when those scars healed,
then so did you
                                                    like the time your mother left you
you left four scars on your left wrist
and later,
three more on the right
                                                             or when your father left too
you left nine scars on your leg that night
you placed them carefully in a way
so that they spelled out DAD
                                       don't forget the time she broke your heart
you left 12 scars on both your thighs
one for every month you were with her
(you still stayed six months after that)

there is a pattern of broken hearts
but i won't be another scar.
                                                        i erased the lines on the map
                                                          we forgot they ever existed.


                                                          *smn­di

Just once*
I would like to swim in the ocean
without every ******* wave
trying to knock me down.


↠mndi➣

The stars that fall
from the sky so blue
well they learned it all
watching me fall for you.


*s.mndi

The sun came up
I came to
you looked at me
I couldn't look at you
you drove me home
we said goodbye
I went inside
tried not to cry
I checked my phone
no text, no call
my eyes got wet
I let them fall
tears began to pour
I could feel my heart break
I cried on the floor
til it turned into a lake
I went for a swim
had a bottle of wine
your life went on
and so did mine.


*s.mndi

"goodnight"
was her way of saying
"goodbye"

she wouldn't be there in the morning.

My Jailbird Brother
you are both selfish and foolish
and i'm not sure which is worse
or which i envy more
less than five hours you were home
less than t h r e e  h u n d r e d minutes
a careless release, really
but you wasted no time finding your way into trouble
the same kind of trouble that got you taken away
kept under lock and key
when you should have been here growing up with me
this wasn't how it was supposed to happen
i envisioned hugs and tears and rambling stories
instead i found drugs and fears and repressed memories
i thought that when you came back it would be like you never left
..it was exactly like that
in the worst way
like you really never went away
you'd been here the whole time
making messes and breaking hearts
among so many other things
making mom cry
because look at you
you're not the same
you came back worse than when you'd left
maybe they got it wrong
maybe they sent back someone else
you adapted to survive
but there's a point where stoic turns cold
and resilient becomes defensive
and you're hiding your feelings to the point
where you can't even even find them
i never saw you as a criminal
but now that's all you know how to be.


*smndi

play me that song
that you wrote long ago

that you thought I forgot
but every word I still know

sing it to me till I fall fast asleep
let it be the last memory of you that I'll keep.


*s.mndi

It was only inevitable that I would fall in love with you.
I knew it from the minute you first came into my sight
and ever since then I've been trying to tread light.
I've never been one to take it slow.
patience for me is agonizing
If it was you that I was after, I wanted you to know.
and I wanted you bad, you were so enticing
What's the use in hiding all the love I've got to show?
But loving you was like leaving footprints in the sand
two steps forward, Twelve Steps back again
til the tides washed them away
along with all the progress that we've made.
I have sailed through your stormiest seas
while you kicked up water and tried to drown me.
I held fast and tried to stay afloat
while you raged on and tried to sink my boat.
And then somewhere along the way
you realized I'm not one to stray.
I wouldn't disappear
I wouldn't turn to dust
you knew you didn't have to fear
that's how I finally earned your trust.
That's when you let me in
you let yourself love me too
and ever since then
its been easy sailin' with you.
You were well worth the wait,
that was something I always knew.
And even if I can't be your soulmate
at least for a while, I got to have you.


                                                              ­                                                     *smndi

at night before we go to sleep
it feels as though you're mine to keep

but by the time the mornings here
the love you had has disappeared

I wake up and I'm filled with dread
knowing it's over when we get out of bed

and all day long I hope and yearn
that tonight you will return


*s.mndi

sew my eyes shut
no I don't want to see again
I want to learn to see within
I don't want to see myself
in all my glorious filth
point me to the sun
eyes wide open and run
let my demons out on the way
gotta be clean for judgement day
nobody wants a *****
a home wrecking bore
all she does is take take take
self destructive nature
is the downfall to her fate
you'd think she has no ears
ignoring the bad things that she hears
how can you possibly stay?
get out now, baby, run away
close your eyes and count to three
spin in circles, now you're free
don't go back, they're history
come on, baby, now you're free
run further than the eyes can see


*s.mndi

I woke up next to you that morning, with bruises and bite marks on my arms that proved you loved me the night before. You kissed them and I swear I heard them sigh.
But that same night, you left me again. What changed in you within that day I'm still unsure. But you told me I could no longer be a priority to you. And I felt all my importance disappear in an instant.
It all made sense to me after that, though. The bruises, I mean. You left a mark so I would remember you even after you left. You even kissed them goodbye.
And then you disappeared as well.


↠mndi➣

Sadness came to me tonight
I said, nope, I'm not ready yet
So I put that sadness in a box
and that box under my bed.

Anger came to visit me next
I said, I'm definitely not ready for you
So I stuffed that anger in a bag
and it went under too.

I thought I was safe for the night
and then in came impending Doom
This one was a little bit stronger
so I had to lock it in it's own room.

So when I saw Pain walking up the street
I knew it was coming for me
I said, I guess it's time to accept defeat
So one by one, I set them all free.

I cried with Sadness
I screamed with Anger
I mourned with Doom
I whined with Pain

And then Happiness came
and I watched the others disappear.
We shared a happy life together
when I finally stopped living with Fear.


*mndi