Let my tombstone read:
"wish you were here"

'cause even when I'm down below,
I'll be thinking of you, dear.

s.mndi

paintbrush strokes of white on blue
stretching over me and you
colors change to pink-streaked yellow
the earths settling down, getting sleepy and mellow
now it's all gone black with specks of white
any color has left us alone for the night
it's getting brighter
bluer, whiter
the birds in the trees are singing like a choir
they're pretty high up, but i think we're higher
i'll stay up all day, and all through the night too
if you'll be there with me through every shade and hue


s.*mndi

Sticks and stones and broken bones
in the cemetery where we left you to rot

Words sometimes hurt but never worse
than the ones left unsaid
especially when
you left right after we fought.


*s.mndi

You woke me up in the darkest hours of the morning, before the sun had even blinked those sleepy eyes twice, with a question that I'd been waiting for.

I'd thought about this question. I thought about how you would ask it. Where. When. Why. What I would say. What you would say back. But I never thought about it happening while I was still asleep.

I rolled over to see you. You saw me and said, "I have to ask you something."
I knew the question before it slipped through your alcohol flavored lips, and it still knocked the wind right out of me.

I wasn't prepared. Despite all the times I'd planned and reworded.
So I started to say, "Sometimes I think I do. But then.."

And you, so drunk and stubborn, you were not having it. You rolled over with a pout and proceeded to fake sleep.
And I rolled over behind you, put my lips to your ear, and I whispered it.

For the first time, I admitted it.
"I love you."


s.mndi

yes, your heart broke. but let me tell you this, it didn't happen the way that you think it did.
it didn't shatter, crack, or crumble.
it broke open.
it had so much love inside that it simply spilled right out. an overflow of emotion so deep it brought you to your knees.
you can feel it in your chest, like you're being pulled open, like your soul is being pulled right out through it.
but give it just a little while to adapt, my love, and you'll see it grows fast
it will expand to shove that love right back in again. plenty of space for a new love to take place.
it's a flow of emotion, feel it like a wave and float with it.
ride it til the tides are guiding you back to shore and ground yourself then. your toes in the sand.
you're apart of everything that exists.
feel the sea, feel the sand, feel the trees, feel the land.
but most of all, feel the love.

"It's so pretty out today," she said
with a beaming smile on her face
a look of lust in her eyes
staring out the window at the sky
cloud streaked and grey
dark & gloomy at it's finest
she was always most romantic about the darkest things.


*smndi

I want to come together with you
so close
that the chemistry between us
so hot and dense
is enough to coalesce
to form new stars
new galaxies
a whole new world all our own.
Enough to trigger the most brilliant Supernova
so we may live
on the brightest new star
in the celestial sphere.
And then
I want the entire universe built
in the image of you.
All the forests will be done
in the redwood brown color of your eyes.
The freckles in your skin
become the comets in the sky
and the lines on the palms of your hands
become the basis for all the constellations.
The mountains are formed in homage
to the shape of your spine.
The color of your pale white skin
is who to thank for the moon's soft glow.
While the fire in your heart
is how the sun learned how to burn.
And both, too brilliant to lay eyes on.
The waves in the oceans
like the waves in your hair.
The clouds in the sky
as white as your sparkling smile.
The sparks that fly
when our lips come to meet
will be the second Big Bang
sweeping us off our feet
and our world will be born
surrounded with you
and the best part of it all
it's a world just for two.


*s.mndi

she was every star in my night sky
i was a handful of fireflies she kept in a jar
she was my sun;
illuminating my entire world
i was her lamp;
glowing dimly in the corner of her room

i still sees stars every night
all of the fireflies died out
i still wake up to the sun every morning
she turned off the light.


↠mndi➣

I could spend hours writing about you
and believe me, I have
but they all end up the same way
"I love her  I love her  I love her"
I want to put the pens down and grab your hands instead
run them across my body while I tell you all the things that I've written
but never said
pull your lips to mine and let our tongues do all the talking
while they're conversing I'll start *******
you slowly
I wanna savor the moment I come in contact with your body
move my lips down to your chest
and whisper my secrets to your skin
leave a message in every kiss
and a kiss at every corner
while I breathe you in
every breath I take
now the beds starting to shake
as I start to make
love to
you

She smiles when she ***** me.
That must be what making love is.


*s.mndi

feeding me lines
and I take them with ease
I take as I please
codependent like daddy
can't stand to stand alone
always need somebody
for me to call my own
take care of me
oh baby please
I need I need I need
I fall in love way too fast
becoming too attached
and then I can't seem to grasp
the idea that you could leave
now I'm alone
I can't find where to go
because I've only been taught to follow
to hold on and depend
I just want love and nurturing
I'm sick of all my friends
but somehow I've made it this far
broken, bruised, and left with scars
but I'm still alive and I'm all I need
I'll say goodbye to the broken me
like I said goodbye to you.


*s.mndi

Every past flame I've ever had
quickly turned into a raging fire
leaving me burned & scarred.
You are not a flame
but a much needed storm
that soothed the dried up heart
and extinguished any existing flicker.
The calm, cool waters proved therapeutic
to the scorched skin.
You poured until you flooded
you overflowed
and I was overwhelmed
but still
I dove right in
not concerned with whether
I'd sink or swim.
So I submerged myself
into the deepest depths of you
where I would live out
the rest of my days.


*s.mndi

who was I one year ago?
a sad little drugged up ***
no one taught me anything
I was so desperate, so eager to please
please don't go, stay with me
I'll do what you want, give you anything
everyone took advantage
of my biggest defect
I don't know how to say that word
I'm programmed to talk but not to be heard
I can't stand up
I don't fight back
but if I was Marty McFly
I'd take it all back
I'd save myself
from my biggest heartaches
the worst mistakes
I've ever made
I wouldn't be so troubled now
so negative and bent
maybe I'd be loved right now
if I hadn't hurt all of them
but **** it all
I'll just get high
fly to the moon
and drown in the sky.


*s.mndi

When you're here at night
I feel alright
I fall right to sleep

But the nights you're gone
it all goes wrong
and in the bad dreams creep.

s.mndi

You know the one I'm talking about.
The little stuffed raccoon
with the lipstick on its face
that I don't know where it came from
but maybe it came from me
trying to kiss you
and tell you how much
I miss you.

But it's just a smudge
so maybe you moved away too fast
before I could finish
and you messed everything up.

But it's okay, I'll let to stick around.
At least until it can fade away completely
and leave me with an
"I'm not in your life anymore"


*s.mndi

From the Moon
came light

And god I've never seen
the Sky so bright

The Stars lit up
and beamed in white

The Sun hung in shame
losing to the Night.

s.mndi

as I stared at the face
in the all grey sky
trying to decide if his lips were curving into a smile
or a frown
I waited for a sign.
a blink
a wink
some kind of change
anything
to let me know that I was part of the universe.
but all that I was seeing
was the face
fading slowly
as the clouds kept rolling on
and the face
disappeared
without a trace

and maybe that was the sign.


*s.mndi

You know that feeling when you can't remember if something really happened or if you only dreamed it?
That's what it felt like the first time you said you loved me.

It happened in that fine line of time
the border
between late that night
and early the next morning
when you can't find the sun
or the moon
and the sky's a pinkish shade of blue.

On my knees
in the bathroom
too much liquor
never been sicker
my stomach coming up
through my throat
angry with me
letting me have it

You stood behind me
"shh baby" & "its okay"ing me in cooing whispers
rubbing my back
petting my hair
despite all the times I slurred my words at you
telling you to get out
thinking about how disappointed you must be

and then I heard it
and I know I was drunk
but I heard it
you said
"I love you too, Sarah. I love you too."
and you kept saying it
and I kept thinking
"This is real. She said this. Please remember this. Oh god, please remember."

I woke up the next morning
next to you
thank god, you were still there
and you asked if I remembered anything from last night
and I said I think I do
but I still wasn't sure if it really happened
and you confirmed it
and laughed
and said "of course that's the only thing you remember"
and I smiled
because that was all I needed to


*s.mndi

My heart is too big
it's weighing me down
The muscles in my face
only know how to form a frown
I thought life was going good, I thought I had it great
Now I'm sitting here alone with this drink
questioning my fate
I've got so much love to give
but no willing recipients
The loneliness is sinking in
and I wonder
what is it about me that makes them afraid to commit?
Maybe I'm a drunk and my lungs are full of ash
and I know I don't have much cash
but I swear to you I'll give you the world
if you just give me a chance.


s.mndi

when it rains, it pours
and i've been living in a flood
we used to dance in the rain
and kiss with raindrops on our lips
but now i find you under an umbrella
telling me
you're tired of being wet.
i don't know how to stop the storm
i just try to stay afloat
but without you there to play with me
without my baby keeping me company
it's getting harder to keep swimming
i'm not playing in the rain anymore
i'm just trying not to drown



                                                         *smndi

It's my favorite time of night. We slip outside for a smoke and with each drag her face is illuminated in a fiery glow. The whole world is dark and all the light is right here. It's coming from her. Every star decided to leave the night sky to become something better. They became the sparks in her eyes. The crescent moon followed too and adjusted itself to fit in her glowing grin. Now every time she smiles at me I see the night sky.


s.mndi

We sat in the backseat of your car
parked across the street from the
godawful
house I was staying in at the time.
We sat quietly for a few moments
still unsure of how to act around each other now.
I could feel your eyes on me
a smile forming automatically.
(**** nerves)
"What are you thinking about?"
I turned to meet your gaze
and an unspoken staring contest began.
Without a pause
you answered,
"I was wondering if I've ever told you you're beautiful."
It was unexpected.
It was honest.
It was cute as hell is what it was.
I thought about it for a second. "Probably."
I shrugged. Playing it cool.
Pretending a whole migration of butterflies
did not just migrate right into my stomach.
We thought some more
and then
you whispered
"you're gorgeous"
and I felt my heart break.


*s.mndi

Too afraid to ask any questions
'cause I'm so afraid of what your answer will be
like if I were to ask you
are you still in love with me?

If your answer was a no
well I don't know what I'd do
I'm not prepared, I mean after all
I've spent the past year in love with you.


↠mndi➣

poor girl, you're still not seeing it. your sight is selective beyond all repair. but it's not your fault. you only know what you've experienced. you're only seeing what you choose to see. where is your moment of clarity? where is your light bulb, your bright idea? you are only seeing with your eyes but close them
breathe deep
and reflect.
until it all makes sense to you. until you have that piece of mind you so crave.

dig deeper and tell me what you see.


*s.mndi

"Can't she see it? She needs me."
I spoke with frustration and anger. I whimpered with longing.

"She can't see anything yet. She isn't looking."
He spoke with a confidence that was calming. He spoke like he knew.
Like God himself had let him in on a little secret he was struggling to keep.

"I would love her."
I pouted like an impatient infant.

"You will love her when she needs you to."
He smiled like a father comforting his impatient infant.

"And?" I pleaded. I needed more.

"Be sure she is what you need too."

And with that, he vanished.


*s.mndi

The urge
to off
the beast
inside
grows as the days
roam on.

The sleek metal
begins to shine
drawing my eyes
to its four
lovely
points.

An attempt
to tempt me.

The rushing water
starts to sing
a siren's tune
as it fills
the pearly tub.

My eager ears
cannot ignore.

With all my self control
I make a deal with myself.

It will not be done
by my own hand
but
if perhaps
an accident does occur,
so let it.

Like maybe
I'll stop wearing my seatbelt
or looking both ways
before crossing the streets
or I'll talk to strangers
or I'll take too many pain killers
in an attempt to **** the pain.
(I know it won't)

I'll simply forsake the struggle
and leave it up to Death
to take care of the rest.

Living has become a hassle.


*s.mndi

I know that you don't like to cry
especially not in front of people
especially not in front of me
you know then I'll start crying too
and we just can't both be crying
because then who would be the shoulder?
right, exactly
I also know that you like to feel strong
and you like to take care of yourself
and you're scared to death of depending on anything else
but you're misunderstanding me if you think I'm trying to save you
I don't need to save you
I just need to be there with you through it
even if all you need is for me to lie with you while you cry
a hand to hold
or two to hold you
a kiss on the cheek
or a kiss so deep your mind quiets down for a while
I swear to god I can be so strong for you
if you ever decide you need a little help


↠mndi➣

The first cigarette in the morning is always the most
relaxing.
Sitting on the balcony.
The birds telling secrets from different trees.
Chirping different melodies.
I've got so many things going wrong for me but each drag makes another one feel a little less steep.
I wish that you were here with me
to watch the breeze sway the palm trees.
I'm losing my mind like they're losing their leaves.


s.mndi

We met because I had to take my best friend to the clinic to get birth control because she told me she'd **** herself if she got pregnant. I believed her. It was a matter of life and death.

It only seemed right to take her to lunch after such an occasion. We needed to talk and we weren't done talking. Neither the bus rides nor the long walks were long enough.

My mom introduced us. When I looked up from the table to see that raving smile of yours for the first time, it happened. I changed. I had decided then that I had to have you and I got rid of all that I already had.

And now, 11 months post meeting you, I am still working on getting you again. And making that bright smile appear like the sun after the eclipse.

I got you, now I need you to stay.


s.mndi

"What's wrong?"
The voice whispered

"What's not?"
I whispered back
in a drunken state of remorse.

"Is it your fault?"
The voice slipped through the darkness
like breath slips through the harsh cold.

"Yes. All of it."
A nod was all I had left to give.
A nod
and then a bang
against the wall
leaving my skull a little sore.

"Tell me something. Do you blame the trees for losing their leaves? Would you say it is the moons fault she runs from the sun? Is it the poor clouds fault they sometimes need to let go and pour out all that they've been storing inside?"

"You cannot blame the seasons for changing,"
I huffed in frustration.

"And you, my dear, change as swiftly as the seasons."


*s.mndi

There is a brief moment
between when you wake up
and
when you come to.
And in this moment
sleep lingers.
The dream has not yet ended.
What was happening in your dream
is what you still know to be true.

Last night, I dreamt she loved me.
She was mine, she told me so.
Now even if I never hear those words
in reality,
I still have the memory of how they sounded
in my sleep.

When I awoke
for that moment
she was still
mine.

That moment of bliss
before the cruel joke
the realization
sunk in.

I rolled over with a bitter refusal
to let her go
any further.
I went back to sleep
with the hope
to wake up
back in whatever world it was
where she was mine.


*s.mndi