Just because you cant see or touch the wind,
Does not mean its not there. Right?

Just because you cant see or touch love,
Does not mean its not there. Right?

So just like the wind...

You cant see or touch a broken heart...
Does that mean its not there...

Don't let me die peacefully...
Let me endure the pain I so carelessly inflicted on you
May I know just torn apart your heart must be

Don't let me forget...
Everything that was said, and better...what wasn't
I wish to remember just how much each syllable stung

Don't let me unsee...
The state you're currently in
Please allow me to gaze upon the destruction I have caused
Let the chaos burn itself into my eyes

Don't let me walk innocently...
Monsters don't live happily ever after
They can't play the night in shining armour

                         **Because the wickedness in them
                                Is the wickedness in me...
                               Monsters don't get to love

Some people like to think outside the box
Others
They like to remain within its walls
Choosing the security and the safty over adaptation and risk

Those who think outside of the box are creative and intelligent people who can get things done. They exploit weaknesses in problems and find smart means of resolving them.

Whilst the residents within the box tend to frown upon change. They can't problem solve efficiently, nor can they see a simple means of solution.

Me..?

Im too blind to see the box, my hand over my eyes stumbling about. The only proof I have of a box is others telling me its there. I dont know where one wall ends and another starts, four walls boxing me in... this I know for sure. I'm confined in this mental prison, unable to think outside for a radical solution and too insecure and blind to find a safe means through.

So whilst some like to think outside the box,  others like to remain inside.
I simply dont know where this box is to find out...

The dark is a terribly scary thing
It keeps me awake at night, the sounds, hallucinations...
I cant stand the dark, it breaks me down and plays to my fears
There  IS  someone there, I  KNOW  it!

Open water imposes and intimidates
I fear boats and the ocean with its great expanse
The inability to swim is partly my problem, but even being able to wouldnt help me
I cant, I cant, I cant, I cant....I cant

There is nothing quite as loud as silence
Piercing, sharp and precise. It rings my ears, driving me mad
Night time gets me, the dark, the silence... It becomes too much
Make it stop, make it stop, make it stop!

One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do
We all want space, time to ourselves but I just cant
I crave social interaction and go into a panic state, the dark, silence, alone... Do you see the reason I dont sleep
Please stay with me...dont go...dont leave me alone....

Never being good enough, for yourself or others
As a human I fear rejection and disappointing other, becoming a failure
An overwhelming sense of guilt fills me when I cant live up to myself or others expectations
You still love me though...right? Im not a failure aye?

All of that means nothing

My greatest fear...is losing you...
The nightmares have plagued me in every which way
Sleepless nights spent in worry, the fact I know you hurt yourself sometimes never helps... I fear life without you, fear for how itll be
*Stop...please...dont go...Im sorry

Somedays...
I just feel like losing my voice
To be voiceless
I don't want to speak

That's not you
It's me
I can't bring myself to speak
To silence myself
Subordinate myself...

Someday...
I feel no one listens
As though I simply am invisible
If I wasn't there, would they notice?
If I simply wasn't

I want to become a mute
There is nothing I wish to tell you
So don't look at me with your sad eyes
I simply wish not
To speak
Please...let me lose my voice...

Nothing I say comes out right,
I cant love without a fight.
No one ever knows my name,
When I pray for sun it rains.

Im so sick of wasting time,
When nothings moving in my mind.
Inspirations cant be found,
I get up and I fall back down,
But
I'm alive

Every lover breaks my heart,
And I know it from the start.
Still I end up being a mess,
Everytime I second guess.
All my friends just run away,
When Im having a bad day.

Id rather stay in bed
But
I know theres a reason*  
*Im alive

I reside within a storm,
Its howling winds batter and bruise my being.
There is no sunshine, only rain
My body is numb, caused by all this pain.

Cant you hear, cant you hear that thunder?
The only place I'll be with you is 6 feet under.

Debris of what one was litter the skies,
Your fragile world held together by nothing but my lies.
There is no solace, no ray of light,
Slipping further, no end in sight.

Cant you hear, cant you hear that thunder?
The only place I'll be with you is 6 feet under.

The storm rages on reeking havoc around me,
My world flung in darkness with no ability to see.
Don't come near, or you'll perish, torn apart
Ripped limb from limb, thats only the start

*Cant you hear, cant you hear that thunder?
The only place I'll be with you is 6 feet under.

In that moment
I knew the definition of broken
Of loneliness and that of despair

How quickly the wind swept you
Off yout feet
Until before I could react
You walked out of my life

No time had I
To grab your arm
Nor mend the holes
You simply left me to my own
Removed me from your contacts
Ceasing anything to do with me

It was then I realized the error of my ways
You showed me who I was
Someone who:
- Mistreated you
- Never loved you
- Always made mistakes and never made up for them
- Was no different from anyone else
- Regarded you as nothing
- Would leave you now and find someone happily tomorrow
- Is a monster...

Yet nothing I say now
Will bring you back to be
I say ill change but when have I ever
Its cold and dark without you

I miss you already...
Am I on your mind?
Ill never forget the day
You simple were
*Gone

"But mum, he did it first so i did"

if he jumped off a bridge, would you follow?

"...no..."

~~

But you see
For you
I would happily

Love is living inside your heart
Forever by your side
Love is dying beside you
Forever by your side

I would follow you anywhere
You never have to be alone
Id no sooner follow you through the door
Into the grocery store
Than I would
six feet underground

You told me to be me, but me wasnt good enough

I was told to have common sense and be smart
But, I wasnt aloud to act like I knew everything

I was told to be kind and respectful
But, I was seen as a pushover and a wimp when others had a go at me

I was told to love others like I wanted to ve loved
But, people never felt how I did, I was always alone

I was told to be perfect
But, the moment I loved me, the times I felt perfect was when you broke me down and denied me

I was told to be honest and open
But, when I opened up you looked at me differently, treated me differently.

I was told to be me
But, you never wanted me to be me... you wanted me a picture perfect reflection of what you wanted

My life is a yo-yo
Forever up and down
One second here
The next I am there

Like one
I rely on others to bring me back up
Cant function on my own

My life is a yo-yo* in which others have ahold of the string
Dont toy with me too much
The threads of this string are frayed as they are
Cause up and down I go

*My life is a yo-yo

I wanna run away from here
It sound super simple, I really would do it
But the sole thing keeping me is fear

I wanna run far from my parents
They're the sole problem keeping me from being happy
Such rules and expectations in which they demand adherence

I wanna run away to be with you
Thats all we need and itll fix everything thats wrong
Right now Im struggling...with no means to push through

I wanna run right now
But I wont have a home to come back to if I do
This is something my parents just wont allow

I would run to you, run far from this place, far from everything
But I would be pulled back by my parents in the back of a policecar no doubt
They would confiscate everything I have as means of anything
Which means id never be able to see or hear from you ever again
I dont want that...it wouldnt be a life worth living, but then again how is now any better?

I want to be there as soon as possible and you know that
But the fear instilled through blackmail in me keeps me planted here
There are other perspectives that I am forced to look at

Dont think Im not trying
Dont think Im abandoning you...
Im not..,
Abandoning you believe it or not...would be coming to you cause once I return youre gone for good

Was I kept up last night by my thoughts
Did I pass out at 3am too tired to even live the nightmares in my head.
On anyother occasion idve been plagued by them, left defenceless and helpless
Id rather lie here awake and be a mess tomorrow than to awaken drenched in sweat unable to breathe a mess tomorrow either way.

No matter how much I tried I couldnt get you out of my head,
That image along with...
In any instance that cold lifeless body of yours becomes a reality
Id gladly lie beside you and take my own to be by your side

Love is,
Living eternally by your side
Dying by your side

All but that the images haunt me,
******* me to my core until im trembling and quivering my lip
Until I can identify as broken as I fall to my knees
It becomes too much for me and I find myself breaking down in tears
Oh how pathetic
Dealing is never a word I would use,
Yet how do you deal with the demon itself in your dreams?

Nothing in my life quite compares to that feeling.
That sinking feeling inside myself.

This feeling exists because it is a vacuum...
Something from deep inside myself was removed and all thats left
Is this gaping hole ******* me into darkness.
Never was I okay with hurting you
or upsetting you
Cept now I crushed the dream you held onto dearest

Now I cant breathe
I cant think
I cant feel anything else
I feel dead inside truly and cannot bring myself to do any right

Then so will you, right?

If I smile people will think im okay
If I smile they won't ask me what's wrong
If I smile maybe I'll believe im okay
If I smile the troubles of the world are washed away
If I smile the darkness knows to keep it's distance
If I smile then world becomes a beautiful place
If I smile then you won't cry
If I smile you won't lay sleepless in worry for me each night
If I smile...It would mean I'd've remembered how to...

This is it...
...My lowest point.

I have nothing left in me
You'd understand why, if only you could see...

My body is trembling,
My hands, they shake...
I cant take this feeling, my stomach twisting
Any second longer and I'll break...

"don't come..." "I don't want you..."  "I'll be gone by then..."

The words shocked me to my core...
Its the only thing we've wanted is to be together
So why does he say this make me want to be there more...?
Yet im having to wait 3 more weeks

Its been 3 months and we need it now more than ever...
Now shes broken and pretending she is fine
She doesnt want to see me at all, not now just never...
That fake smile and persona only works to break me more

I have been broken to my very deepths....
Away with despair take me...
I would do anything to numb the pain...

True loyalty is hard to find and harder to earn
Once its broken there is no mending it
Only through the flames of strife do we find ourselves
L*etting go of someone who is true to you is the biggest mistake you'll make

Everything I've ever said, I meant with all I had,
This love isn't something that you get from just anyone.
Each day I fall in love with you over and over,
Relishing each moment in which I share with you.
No one could ever replace you my dear,
I am yours,
Till the very end and after.
Y*ours forever and after my love. Together for eternity.

I hate the person in which I've become,
Holding resentment for all that I've done.
Facing my demons rather than to turn and run,
Heart beats in a rhythm, to you are the drum.

I understand that you must hate me, HA! I know you must,
This is obvious because. I. Hate. Me, so why wouldn't you?
Aren't all those things you've said to be nothing but true?
That no matter what, there's no way I can earn back your trust.

I would scream, I would punch and I would pray it do good,
Cause right now, what even is the use in being me?
Lost in the darkness I held at bay restricting my ability to see.
If things turned sour now, It'd be I who understood.

I'm done being me and all that I've become
No longer* do I wish to remain as I am
Any effort to strip myself of this inner self, shall do me good
I know ive lost you in my life, im just sure of it...
This be the case...im sure the world will lose something in its life

What even would be the point?
A life without you just isn't worth living

I woke up this morning
No different than anyother day.
As I do every morning
I made my way into the shower

I couldn't bring myself to look in the mirror

They reflect back to us ourselves
Physically they show how we appear before others
Metaphorically they show how we are inside
Reflecting our inner emotions and thoughts

I couldn't bring myself to look in the mirror

Who I saw was no longer me
That boy,
If he truly is human...
Was not me

Perhaps I am but a former shell of who I was
Or is it that I didnt see the changes so obvious to others?
I make more mistakes than I can keep up with
Snapping at you
Turning on others
Making poor decisions and ultimately

You said im pushing you away...

Id rather die if I didnt have you
Petty and pathetic as that is
There is no meaning to my life otherwise
So...

Who is this person in the mirror before me?
I cant recognize him and I dont know how to bring me back

You ever have that moment where you feel so subhuman
One no longer knows what it means to have self-worth?
Ever find yourself so far from who you expected to be that
Looking in the mirror you dont see the person who stared you back this morning?

At what point do we acknowledge we have become this anti-us
That we became the monster we fought to never become?
Dont you just wish you could turn back time?
Take that one moment that so plagues your life away?

I will never live down the actions I took
To snap and turn on you believe me kills me inside
Not to imagine what it did and does to you...
I'm sorry will never be enough but id say it every hour of the day
Whatever I could to make it up to you...

What kind of boyfriend, betrays his partners trust in them but turning on them?
What kind of a kind human betrays his own words to become so cruel?
What kind of a gentleman allows himself to fall further than the puddle he do kindly lay on for the girl to walk over?

I have acknowledged where I went wrong
I cant fix that now or ever
I can only work to making sure it never happens ever again

*I wouldn't want to live doing such a thing ever again to someone so close to me...

"You either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become the villain"

No Prince Charming stays a knight in shining armour for long.
I saved you, but then again I didn't...

Hell we have some great memories, fond and everlasting
Boy do we have horror to our story, saddening and dark

I was once your hero, I did and still would fight for you
Bringing you from a place of darkness and into light
Funny it should be that Im the one to put you back there

You throw up walls and shut me out
There is no way I can help what Ive done like that
But when I wasnt helping and hurt you in the first place
Why would you want me of all people inside your walls?
I so quickly, roll reverse and become the anti-me

Funny how everything I hated in others and vowed and aimed to do the opposite, are the same things in which ive become.
Said id never snap at her, I did
Said id never be upset with her, within reason I was
Said I wouldnt leave, I have
Said id do whatever i could to be there and help, but im here not

It'll never be enough to make up for really anything
Yet in saying that, I mean it with everything
I really am sorry
I love you
I forgive you always
*I want to be with you through everything no matter what

Without you I cannot function right
Hear me out as I utter this plight

You take care of me and play my mother,
With me to you, im like an older brother.
I forget things, and never think straight
You pull me up on the things that ive left too late

You take such good care of me, and I secretly love what you do,
Deep down inside you wish id do it for you.
I wish with all my heart to care for thee,
Look out, and to provide all I can for ye.

I know I'm a child, incapable of taking care of me,
In everything you do, it opens my eyes of how Ive come to be.
You needn't the stress of tending to my problems and flaws,
If anything problem wise I should be attending to yours.

*I am childlike
In personality
And being

I love to be mothered and am how I am, just dont tire yourself out over me
Cause when the time comes, for strength and help I'll be there for ye

Do you remember when...

I called you cute, and you growled at me and punched my gut gently?
Do you remember when...
I said you were the most beautiful on this earth and you looked down cheeks burning bright red calling me an idiot?
Do you remember when...
I said I loved you and you opened your eyes in surprise and pouted at me embarrassed mumbling you loved me too?
Do you remember when...
I said I loved your eyes and how I got lost in them and they opened wider upon hearing that for the first time?
Do you remember when...
I said you were funny and witty and you laughed at my joke?
Do you remember when...
I met you for the first time and you threw yourself into my arms crying like old friends reunited?
Do you remember when...
We first saw eachothers bodies and you kept telling me how horrible yours was but I insisted otherwise and loved you all the more?
Do you remember when...
We stayed up till 4 in the morning on skype whispering and giggling away, then got up a few hours later and did it all again?
Do you remember when...
I said I would be there for you always and would do whatever I could, you came to me in tears and I wiped them from your face?
Do you remember when...
You were having a nightmare so I wrapped myself around you and held you close and everything went away?
Do you remember when...
I said I loved you more than anyone or anything? I meant it

Do you remember these?
I remember each and everyone like it was playing out in front of me
I am forgetful of everything but I never forget the things that hold the most meaning to me
You  hold the most meaning to me, so tell me...
Do you remember when...?

Why do you write?

I get overwhelmed easily and words on paper and on a screen are highly effective means of externalising that

I cant read others poems often without crying and am inspired to write of my own

Writing calms me and although at times its already too late, it stops me from doing or saying something ill regret

So I write for sanity
Peace of mind
For clarity
To express myself
Set myself free
Empty my head
Get over myself
People to see how I am
To hide away
Not show myself like I am in poems to people

I wonder when heaven has died,
The skies are all falling,
Im breathing but why?

In silence I hold on,
To you and I.