Please take time to do nothing.

Silence
I invite you
To bring me the truth

Silence
I adore you
For you are what you are

Silence
You help me
Find myself again

Silence
You are an anchor
In this present moment

Silence
You are here
And you always were

Silence
Sometimes
You are louder than words

Silence
In your lullaby
I want to fall asleep softly

Silence
In your presence
I am.

I am enough for myself
I have a really good health
Today and everyday I will be grateful
For every wonderful deep breath
💖

Maybe me calling my problem a problem is the problem.

Where is the romance?
How to give myself a chance
To experience real love?
Is it really just about "feeling enough"?

Is it all about dopamine?
Adrenaline? Serotonin?
Aren't we overanalyzing
And with that - aren't we paralyzing
Ourselves?

I feel like love lost all sense of romance.
Like nobody ever is Mr. Right
Like I deliberately choose
If I might...

Win or lose -
Doesn't really matter,
I could change partners
According to weather.

Isn't it strange?
Or is it just me?
Wondering about
What love is meant to be?

I'm kind of sick,
Feeling aloof,
Confused, sad, alone,
As though I was sitting on some
Iron throne.

As though all those tales
Are simple creations,
All magic seems lost,
The special vibrations...

The butterflies?
Just cause I am empty inside,
Feeling as though,
I simply needed "a hormonal ride".

I hope there's more
Than addiction to it,
I hope all these things truly exist:
Romance and roses,
Love at first sight,
Being more than a casual delight,
A tender and beautiful touch of a hand
And a soft kiss as though we just met.

I want to believe in marriage even.
I want to be able to choose someone, too.
I long for such special and deep connection,
I want it to stay meaningful until the end.

So do people in marriages simply pretend?
Or are they just used to each other?
Or even a substitute for a father or mother?
It's sad!

My mind is racing
And I realize,
I need to let go
Of this need to know.

The desperate search
Won't take me much farther,
I realize it's a perfect distraction.

There are certain fields in my life
Which wait for my reaction.

But I am rather in my mind,
Wanting to hide
From
Those messages... ... ... ... ... ...
Those steps for my future profession...
And other big decisions,
Which need me to take action.

Meditation, meditation
Meant to be healthy vibration,
Diving deep into the now
Losing every form somehow.

Feeling guilty
I neglected
My long meditations.

Feeling overwhelmed
Many tasks
In my head.

I am now avoiding
My own self-
Confronting.

Wanting peace
Still.
To know how I feel.

I am myself but
Ugly.
And maybe that's
Why I feel sick.

Sick of playing some role
To everyone around me.

"You're so beautiful, nice."
"You're an angel", they say.

But they don't know that I
Struggle every day.

I should be so grateful
For my physical health.
So thanks.

But I am disappointed
By having panic attacks.

Breathing gets very shallow,
Sometimes I lose control,
In my mind many thoughts,
I feel lost and alone.

Hundreds pieces
Are called Me.
But who manages it all?

Sometimes I want to hide
In a warm dark safe place
Where nobody sees me
And I don't need to be
Anyone.

I don't need to play
Any role.

I can call this place
My home.

I can feel whole
On my own.

Where I hold myself
When I am worried.

And I tell myself
Different stories.

Where I truly believe
In love.

Where I feel
As though I was enough.

Nothing is permanent.
Nothing is permanent.
Nothing is permanent.

Just remember that.

A series of loves
Then - never good enoughs,
My life went on this way,
I thought each time,
I'll stay.

Driven by hormones,
Blinded by my trauma,
I kept building, recreating
Relationship - drama.

First I'd desperately fall,
For one or for them all,
I would try to please,
For dopamine-increase.

After some decades,
Many disappointments,
Looking at my pains,
Behind all the enjoyments.

Chemicals at play,
Needing sugar rush,
Thought my heart was longing
For a tender touch...
Though it was my brain.

Making me feel lonely,
Yet again insufficient,
Hurting so many,
On my way...

When will it end?
I need to stop.
And to sit with
What will come up.

I am
Simply
A
Human being.
And everything I am
Belongs to me.

Being
Imperfect
Being
Jealous
Being
Angry
Being
Healthy
Being
Silent
Being
Thirsty
Being
Dull
Being ...
Being ...
Being ...

A part of the crowd.
I am.
And all of this is enough.
And all of this is plenty.
And all of this makes me
A normal human being.

We are lost souls
Together
But just for tonight.

Lost souls aren't able to find in each other salvation,
Our embrace is not our final destination.

How to undust
My real
Spontaneous self?

I'm so afraid to
Show myself

It seems impossible.
It's stuck in my throat.
My breathing gets shallow.
I smile fake smiles
I'm sad and still don't cry those tears.
My soul screams.

Lost inside
Fractions of mind
Consciousness split

Bubbling up
Unhealthy impulses
Hurting

Hurting
Hunting
Hating

Conflicting parts
No peace
No bliss

Paralyzed
In a dissociative
Circle

Let me out!
You have to endure.
Every feeling

So I am enduring
Breathing
Numb

Opening one eye
Hate. Closing it.
Opening another eye
Lust. Losing it.

Never opening both eyes for too long.
Awareness. Awareness. Awareness.
Searching.

Reminder?
How to connect with myself
When there are 100 parts
Within me arguing.
Unpleasantly.

Who am I?
Who was I yesterday?
And an hour ago?

I am fear.
Afraid to lose control.
I am freedom in disguise.
Lock me up.
Hide me in those woods.
Tyranny.

Being is survival
Existence a struggle
When you fight.

So stop.
STOP.
Stop fighting. Now.

This pain
Needs room
To be.

Ich lief dynamischen Spaziergangs
An einem Rosenbusch vorbei,
Dann für ein paar schöne Sekunden,
In denen ich mich überwunden,
Kam ich in Rosenduftgenuss,
Es war so lieblich wie ein Kuss.

There are quite a few
Sweet things:
The summer
And the sun,
My cheeks,
Your smile...
Your perfume...
Me writing poems about you.
Some comfy clothes,
The evening lights,
The stars,
The milky way
And mars,
Inline skating,
Even if long time ago,
Playing bongos
And cajon.

It's sweeter even
Just to dance,
To give myself
A daily chance,
To feel free,
And just to move
Only for me,
Nothing to prove.
The beat, the groove
The melody,
Are guiding lights
To me.

The sweetest thing
Is life itself -
To live it fully,
To accept oneself.
Be present now,
Not lost in images
For ages
That keep you
Trapped inside
Your beautiful
Sweet mind.

Sadness creeps in
And keeps my warmth out
As though my internal warmth
Wanted to leave in form of tears.

I deserve to feel good.

Maybe later it's going to get better
Maybe later it's going to be fi-ine

Maybe later it's going to get better
Maybe later it's going to be fine...

I keep judging people based on how they look. Including myself.

It's not me. It's a pattern in my brain.

Hah
As I am understanding myself more and more
I am watching

My suffering,
Wanting to grasp its core.

Tons of shame and of blame.

My little self somewhere underneath
Trying to breath.

Every day when it's time to meditate
I allow my pain to rise.

Every time I'm hoping to arrive
At some deep new revelation.

But it looks as though
There is no final destination.

Looking at how I'm looking at myself.
Am I wasting my time?
There's nothing to see
Apart from Me and Me and Me.

Self-loathing, then holding myself close.
Because I remember to breath and to pause.
Because I remember about compassion.
But still, this process is much work.

I wish things were easier, lighter,
I wish I'd knew what I want to fight for,
I wish I'd understood my relationships better,
I wish I wouldn't blame myself for everything including weather...

I wish. I wish. I wish.

The hardest part is to let go,
Whatever that means.
It's as unsatisfying
As this poem's ending.

Whilst I am looking at those beautiful
actresses,
time is flying by.
Whilst I am worrying about those
wrinkles,
time s flying by.
Whilst I am dreaming but am constantly afraid to try,
time... is... flying…. by.

Whilst I am sitting here, believing in tomorrow,
I close my eyes successfully to the internal sorrow,
I’m frozen and slowly it dawns on me
that time is flying by, it’s taking its toll on me.

My fingers are cold typing these words,
I’ve always wanted to learn some new chords,
And when will I join that sports club finally?
When will I see that
time will not fly by infinitely?

Could have been
But it wasn't, oh,
Could have seen
But I didn't care.

It's alright, baby,
Just the way it is,
No need to change a thing.

It's alright, baby,
Just the way it is,
No need to fall apart.

I am starting to arrive
At MYSELF,
Finally tasting
The fruits
Of self care and
Self-help.

That supportive voice
I started to hear
Took years of work
To appear.

Now I am blessed
With warmth in my chest,
It's all I ever needed
And some rest.

Today I will have fun
Alone
I'm doing this retreat
On my own
To be and feel again
At home.

I am open to receive love, kindness and compassion.

Dancing at the equilibrium
Trying to fulfill the balance
Of the night
Of the night
Of the night....

Wir schreiten vor
Der Winter steht bevor
Und keine Ahnung
Ob der Sommer
Und der Herbst
Das war, was es sich wünschte,
Unser Herz.

Zwischen dem Blick
Zurück und dem nach vorne,
Entreißen wir uns immer wieder
Dem Moment.
In all den Wünschen, Träumen, Illusionen,
uns zu verlieren ist unser Talent.

Vertrauen zu entschlüsseln,
Zu uns und zu den anderen,
Verliert sich in den Tausenden
Scherben des Misstrauens,
Zweifel und Unsicherheit,
Verfolgen uns wie ein Pfeil.
Und eh wir uns versehen,
Hat die Angst uns in den Krallen.

Wir dürfen bluten.
Oft ist's uns fast egal,
Wir wollen nicht vor Schmerzen schreien,
Hauptsache niemand weiß,
Wie's um uns steht.
Und niemand weiß,
Wie es uns wirklich geht.

Verhält ein Held sich so?
So Selbstvernichtungs-froh?
Wir opfern uns dem Überlebensmechanismus,
Denn lieber rennen wir das ganze Leben,
Als zu uns selbst zu stehen,
Uns selbst zu sehen,
Verdammt, wir sind nicht hier,
Nur um zu überleben!

I choose what I focus on.

I don't really know if you love poetry,
I know that you yourself can use words lovingly,
I love getting lost in your passionate ways,
Let me be the mirror of love to you.

Why do I feel so old?
I am not old but gold,
It's only my thirtieth birthday.
I'm gonna need to find Emilia Clarke
To be able to come out of the dark
And to trust myself and to love myself
As I am.

To live for myself.. be my friend.
To be free, I need to believe.
At the moment I feel much pressure.
But I know if our love is real -
Any challenge it will heal.
I am sure, it is a treasure.

Trust forever
An impossible mission
Whenever I am trying
I simply fail miserably

Can't imagine to break free
Without to lose connection
Two parts within me
Split apart forever ?

Dreaming
Such romantic dreams
All the time
It's all in my head,
It seems.

So tired
The baby next to me
Is loud
I'm worried
The thoughts
Run a marathon
And it goes
On
And
On
And
On
And
On
My heartbeat racing
My mind is tracing
Every fear,
That could come near,
It's more than insecurities,
It's rather severe.

I'm anxious on the train.

Writing poems at night
I might
Dreaming subtle dreams
I would like
Diving deep into meditation
Everyday I experience pain-bration

In my left shoulder blade
And my upper back
There is no explanation
To that.

But today I had a breakthrough
Sitting still.
Breathing,
Feeling my aliveness,
Learn to feel...

Years ago
I have made a promise
I will not feel this pain,
It might **** me,
If I'm honest.

I ignored all bad feelings
Learned dissociation
Back then, I must admit,
It was a helpful creation.

But now, in adult years,
It's hard to cry those tears,
Which were suppressed,
Because of many fears

At home
In childhood years.

I don't know
What to say
But I'll say it
Anyway
You are awesome
You are great
I am happy
You are straight
❤️

Sometimes wondering
where I’m going
Missing people
who believed in me

Feeling empty, guilty, angry
Loneliness and more within me

Losing sight of hope
But a spark stays here.

I let go of control.

Love is confusing these days
Some say it never stays
The others claim
It only comes after some time,
When you and your partner
Left the infatuation behind.

Some say Love is spiritual,
It is the truth, the energy,
that holds the universe in an embrace...
It was always here
and in our hearts it remains.

Each verse shows me
Whatever love means
or is meant to be -
I know less and less
But at least I confess
My pure unknowingness

Im Ozean des Vertrauens tanze ich, schwebe ich, verliere kurzfristig den Halt und finde ihn wieder,
Der Ozean ist endlos, nur die Sicht kann ich verlieren, aber die Ruhe kehrt wieder ein, sobald ich loslasse...
Ich schwebe und schwebe und es ist ruhig, still und klar um mich herum. Ich sehe dann, dass es sich ausbreiten möchte.
Der Ozean ist und war immer sicher für mich.
Die innere Panik hatte mich verunsichert und den Ozean gefährlich erscheinen lassen.
Ich darf hier atmen. Ich kann mich bewegen. Ich werde mich nicht verirren. Ich bin und bleibe frei.
Mit dir. Und das ist ein Wunder, das ich hiermit zu würdigen und zu fassen versuche.
Ich bin hier. Ich verbinde mich mit meinem Herzen. Das ist alles, was es braucht.
Du schwebst auch. Du und ich zusammen im endlosen Ozean-Universum.
Es fühlt sich immer leichter an, je mehr ich loslasse. Das ist Vertrauen für mich.
Loslassen. Hier sein. Glauben. Wissen. Fühlen.

My body is safe. It is safe to relax.

I am here.
It's ok, breath.
I love you.
I know, it's difficult sometimes.
We fall into patterns of wanting to make everyone around us happy. But ourselves.
We sometimes need time to see and realize this.
To recognize what is happening.
We are learning.
It's good you show yourself as you are.
I have your back.
You don't need to control anything or anyone.
Just be and relax.
Just be yourself.
You are safe here.
I am always here for you.

What I connect with you
Is covered in pain
In black mud and dirt
All over

I slip and I fall
Over it again
If we play the same
Old familiar game

And we're both not that bad
No bad people indeed
But the hurt that's inside
Makes us lose our mind

It's my frustration speaking
Or shall I rather say weeping?
For a part of me knows
I don't want to let go.

Close to giving up on us
Closer than ever before
Maybe that's the only way
To be free and sane again

I am not ready to suffer
Until one day we will die
I need more than that
From this one and only life

Hoping you'll understand
My perspective someday
And that I won't regret
Whatever I'm gonna say

Trust me, all the dark mud
On our lips, in our hearts
Sealed up all the love left
Which was there at the start

Now when I am looking up
I am feeling empty
Looking at the stars  
So bright, but I was beaten by envy

I know deep inside
A part of me hates me
I hate me for the fact
That I failed to connect

That I failed to understand
My problem at it's core so that
I would know better and not regret
The decision I made based on that

I need now to accept the truth
But it's so painful
Having you
Beneath me

That's why my mind is looking
For a way -
to keep the distance
And to stay away

Even though it's not less painful that way.
What else should I say?
Have I done enough? Really?
Or am I simply sick of being the sick one after all?
How about what did go wrong in your childhood and home?
Is the trigger problem really only me?
Or is it both of us and we are both trying to be free...

No answer to my feelings, thoughts and states remains
Because the more I try the more I fail
To see and understand.
My mind is full of images
I can't pretend.
I need to know.
What I want after all.
******, life makes you wanna have a second chance. All over again. Till the end.
Feeling not much better than before.

But I know my dilemma is that all.

Reaching out into the emptiness
of my heart,
Calling out your name
in vain,
Why the hell had I wanted this?
Why would I ever tear us apart?

It feels as though there are two people here,
the one who acted before and me today.
I kinda know that I broke up with you
But it’s too hard to move on this way.

I feel such grief, sadness, loss and confusion,
And I feel angry at myself for feeling so,
It seems that over you I’ve chosen an illusion,
A beautiful bouquet of flowers, nothing more.

She's deeply disappointed and angry as it seems
She lives in a land of broken hearts and shattered dreams
Unfortunate for me to be her mirror
I wish it was something that helped her see clearer

How hurt and abandoned one person must feel
Nobody to love her and help her to heal
She doesn't see nor her sorrow nor grief
The manipulation is her only relief

I don't want to pity her but
Want to feel compassion
I must admit for me
It's challenging as well
I try to be as present as I can

I'm paying my respects to all these survivors
I have struggles explaining how draining it feels
I feel worry, sadness and anger for
This land of broken hearts and shattered dreams.

Now I understand
That I was subconsciously angry at you
Because I thought
You were too invasive on my life.

Because I thought you influenced me too much.
Because I have not felt free enough in our relationship.
But I am seeing now that it was me who wasn't able to be herself all along from the start.
I fell into a cage that I myself had built.
Then I blamed you for it.
Well now it's too late.
Or is it not?
At least that realization is the most valuable so far.

And it brings relief.
It was me who could not feel and be free.
I realize and see this now.
Only now.

I was angry at you for something you have never done in the first place.

I stay here with myself.

Drastically decided to make getting up at 7 am my new routine.
Self-compassion made me agree on giving myself 7 days to reach this.
Self-compassion also stopped me from planning any further agreements so that I can focus on only one for now.
This feels not overwhelming for a change.
This feels like I am giving myself the time I deserve.
Thank you, self-compassion!

Unterwegs seh ich
bekümmerte Gesichter
Viele schon älter,
Gekleidet schlichter.

Wartend auf den nächsten Bus,
Augen verdrehen wegen Verdruss.
Graue Stadt, grau *******der Nebel
Alles umhüllt, vom Nieseln umspült.

Allein unter vielen, die Wärme vermisst,
In Kälte gehüllt.

Wut und Schmerz
In meinem Herz
Ein Pfeil
Bedrängt
Verdrängt
Verengt
Verrenkt
Verschenkt
Die 17 Jahre
Oder mehr?
Und neugeboren
Werde ich
Womöglich.
Vertrauen schöpfen,
Wenn im Inneren das Fegefeuer
Lodert.

Verhindern
Will ICH jede Lösung.
Verlieren
Will ICH nicht.
Vielleicht vergesse ICH
mal wieder
Den Schmerz der Wahrheit
Schlicht.

ICH übertreib' es nicht!
Die sind alle Verräter-Menschen,
Die Welt ist furchtbar, dreckig, schlimm.
ICH will nur raus von hier,
ICH weiß nur nicht wohin.
Die Scham?
Jaja, hab von gehört.
Aber du bist ein Idiot.
Versuchst mich zu verstehen...
ICH WILL doch untergehen.
Genie? Ja, dafür halt' ICH MICH,
Deshalb verfass' ich das Gedicht.
Verschiedenartig, dennoch gleich,
Spiele euch hiermit einen Streich.
Nur um MICH selbst zu überlisten.
ICH führe immer eine Liste,
Über Gewinne und Verluste...
Wer auf Platz eins ist, wo ICH steh',
Muss schaun' dass ICH net untergeh'.

ICH weiß, in mir steckt so viel mehr.
Oder auch nichts? Oder auch nichts.
ICH bin enttäuscht.
Verletzt.
Verlegen.
ICH bin allein, muss überlegen.
ICH muss mal sehen, was ich mach'.
Vielleicht spiele ich lieber Schach?
Nein, Schach ist nur für alte Leute!
Ich such' mir lieber was von heute.
Was heißt, ehrlich sein, nochmal?
Ich weiß, es ist vielleicht ne Qual.
Für DICH.
Ja, da hab ICH wohl Recht. Das wollte ICH.
Das ist doch echt? Ist's echt genug?
Oder braucht's mehr?
Es braucht nur weniger, I guess.

I just need to say YES.
I just need to let go.
I just need to be free.
To let myself be me.

Hating myself - daily
I don't need health - maybe
I'm not myself - lately
Hating myself - daily.

Zerhackt die Hoffnung
Nur nach einem Tag,
Mein Herz war so naiv
Und Zack.

Ich mag dich wirklich,
Sagtest du.
Doch warst du bald
Nicht mehr ganz du.

Denn Actions
Sprechen mehr als Worte.
Und meine Gedanken
Sind jetzt von böser Sorte.

Denn meine Gefühle
Sie gehen sehr tief.
Du hast nichts bemerkt,
Du bist blind.