Sorry for the highs and lows.
Sorry for the ups and downs.
Happy then sad.
Cheerful then mad.
Back and forth the needle goes,
Yes and nos.
Confident, then lost.
Bursts of energy, water-like limps.
Knows, and foolishness,
Kindness then ungratefulness.
Compassionate, angry at first.
Ups and lows.
Yes and nos.
I am so sorry.
For the changing host.

Short dreams.
Temporary beliefs.
Short-term hype.
Falling heights.
New "dreams" bought with money, dreams as sweet as honey.
It already ended when it started.
Coming back to only leave me dream-less, again, with temporary gains.
Stars I want to touch.
Joys I want in my heart.
I want living dreams.
To live in a breathing, moving, real dream...
A dream that is real.
A meaning, sealed.
A goal more valuable than gold.

God is the eternal true living breathing loving one.
god is the one in the world. The one of idols. That. ?

Golden trees, Golden leaves, shimmering in the sun, blinding lights. Tiny suns, piercing through the night when it rains, it shimmers, all the more, twinkles in the night, shining bright.

It shimmers in my eyes, my eyes smiles wide. The vines of the Golden tree, it stretched out, reaching for its wanted love. It's getting dark, its quieten down, the tree sways, in the melancholy sound of the night. It hurts to see it die, in the middle of the night…. it's dying it's never getting younger it's not getting brighter…

The unmerited favor of God, given to us, for free.
We didn't earn it.
We didn't deserve it.

I hope I guess it right.
Why you were disappointed and upset.
You can leave me, you can give up on me aren't you tired of me?

Is it because I talked to other girls?
Is it because I wasnt there for you?
Is it because I didn't talk to you?
I miss your summer hues.
Now you give me snoozes and mutes.

Saying sorry won't help.
I can't hug you either.
I disappointed you and I don't even know why.
I am adding drama to your life isn't it.
You hate drama.

I don't want you to leave.
But if you are tired of me, giving up on me, not loving me anymore, you can.
I am not the one for you then.

I love you.
But I think you are doubting that.
I don't even know if I am loving God or not.
And I don't know what to do but to tell you to "wait."

I can't do this.
Can I.
I can't be the one who you want.
Can I.

These are my guesses.
And some of my confessions.
But don't leave me.
Because I still have an affection,
for you.

chook chook chook.
The eager devouring and tearing of scissors.
Snapping away existence.

Hooked on the killer music, encouraging loathing, affectionate for what is affectionless.

you have been passionate for a knife.
a lie a disguise
deceptions

sweetly disguised.

so...sweet
your eyes are lamps, tempted into the night.
away from the

light.

the crumbling of the purpose you were made for.

the snapping of your identity.
so eagerly ignored.

snip snip snip
goes the facts of love.
goes the truth that's

smacked right in

your face.

Bald spots laid bare.
for the evil one to be there, to take you away,

to take you there.

to where

your death is every few forevers.
and where suicide is no longer an option.

why was it an option.
the night skies were your dreamt of destination.

A compromise, a quick route.
comfort is what you want, and you find it in

death?

It's not too late.
the hair is cut off but at least you still have a head.

Its not too late.
For you to say

"Lord Jesus, forgive me my sins this very moment."

This very moment
Jesus has forgiven you.

Carefully you cut my hair.
The fingers of your hands slid through the blanket of my head.
I looked at your eyes.
Filled with such focus and concentration.
Afraid to talk I tie a knot with my fingers.
Afraid to talk, I made excuses.
Afraid to talk, I tap my foot.
Yet when I opened up.
You revealed to me the normals of your life.
But really a surprise to this life of mine.
Fellow hairdresser, as I sit in the chair.
carefully cutting my hair.
With a scissor on his wrinkled hands.
Maybe I should be more open.
But I should stay closed sometimes.
Like maybe...a half-opened door...

A heart shaped harp.
Sits in the room.
Mirrors displaying each side of the harp, on each side of the heart.
The darkness fell on one side.
The light on the other.
As my heartstrings sowed hands of silk and thorns.
As I play the harp in the quiet room,
The light formed flowers,
The darkness formed thorns.
But all in all.
It made me.
It all adds up to a perfect plan.
To a beautiful flower it blooms.
So the darkness and pain played a part and so did the gloom.

How can your heart break.
When you didn't give your heart.
You are in charge of your heart.
You are responsible for the things of your heart.
You are responsible to guard it.
That heart is yours.
Guard it.
Reset it.
Put it upwards to the heavens.
When it reaches it's default of discouragement, blame, anger, hatred, disappointment, self-doubt, over-confidence, reset it a perk it back up to the things high above!
In the heavens above!

Hello.
I am bare and broken.
I am lost, forsaken.
I am hurt and alone.
How lovely, sitting in the woods all on my own, far from home.
Memories flooding in, breaking my mind.
Mask, broken.
Shattered to the core.
I am sorry, I didn't mean to show you my true feelings.
Should I hide?
Should I have shown you the darkness painted in white?
I am so sorry.
I didn't mean to.
To show you how I really feel.
I am sorry that I offended you.
I am sorry that I have shown you my true colours in an attempt to heal,
To heal myself.
Farewell my friend, and I wish you good health.

I wonder.
What is poetry in person?
Can I touch it?
Can I feel it?
who is poetry?
a person made of experiences, dreams, nightmares, humour, joy, love, and so much more...
I wonder.
I would want to say Hello.
If I meet it some day I want to say hello.
To say thank you for giving me space to express myself like no other way...
Hello Poetry!
That is what I would say...

Happy. I am fine.
But there is this part of me that isn't.
That is still broken inside out...
This burden I have.
Stones of smoke laid in my heart.
I try plucking them out myself...didn't work.
I am dying while living.
Sad while happy.
Broken....while healed.
I cast my burdens to you, Lord.
You asked me to.
You want me to.
You would not let me slip and fall.
You never rest.
Thank you.
As I lay...helplessly helped.

I know that not everyone is happy.
I know that people would hide the crawling, killing monster in them with smiles and laughter.
I know that tears are necessary.
It's waters healed wounds.
I know that those monsters inside might even be a learning point.
I know that monster can be tamed.
I know that monster can be destroyed.
What if this isn't the meaning you were writing as you pen down your thoughts? I really do not know.
I just know that we can be happy.
We can be loved.
We can be used to eternal purposes.
We are unworthy and a mess.
But that is what makes God's love so much more beautiful.
I am sorry for hiding, the brokenness in me.
I am sorry for showing the moving darkness in me.

I want to love him more then I love life.
I want to be devoted to him.
I want to love him more than anything.
That when I die, I would be with him, in heaven.
That I would hear him say " Well done son, you did your job, you have pleased me and made me proud."
That is what I want to be.
That is what I want in my life.

It seems, your tears filled up your bowl.
It seems, that, your mouth, your teeth, they chewed till they were sweets.
It seems that, your....
I can't do it.
Couldn't sympathise so well.
I am confused, and I am so broken.
I am breaking. I feel so dead.
I feel like, I...I can't...do that...or this...or them...
I have so many things.
"I am holding on..too tightly to certain things..."
I am scared and frightend.
I am lost. Feel forgotten.
I can't seem to breathe.
I am so tired.
Of....me.
Of myself.
This body, this heart, my enemies. .
Oh, how I hope I can be separated from them.
I didn't get enough sleep last night again.
I didn't....
I cant.
My fingers they are sliding across the keyboard, just trying to catch up the wild thoughts of my mind, and I stop, broken.
I want to rest, but I would be lazy.
I want to stop and think, but that's just procrastinating.
I....
I can't.


Sorry, 12258
Sorry God.
Sorry Mother and Father.
Sorry sister.
Sorry. To myself.

"Congrats you failed. Yes you."
I said.
Pointing to the mirror.

When the armies rise, and I am scared,
you stand by my side, holding me in.

When I couldn't feel you around,
you whisper to my heart that you are with me, close within.

When fear and terror comes my way when death and darkness comes, I will not be afraid. For you are holding me by your side. Holding my heart tightly as they come by.

legs held tight.
knees bent.
gate locked.
door opened.
lights hitting my leg.
lights passing through the gate,
shadows like bars.
wrapped my legs.
trapped inside.
even though the doors are opened.
Trapped within the comforts of my home.
I wander.
I try to act like i am free.
like i am outside, carefree.
legs bandaged with two hands.
i sit and wait.
for the next day to come.

Lonely ones on the streets.
Less than twice were they treated any more than a rat.
A misconception that's uncalled for.
It's a hopeless life,
they know that.
They are hanging loose on the rope,
dangling above the ground

1 inches.

Let me be frank,
a turnover is a
knife twisted by bare hands.
Before you know it, it's an ocean of
Numbness.
A moon on their faces turned on the wrong side,
the wrong side of the..floor.
or bench, or anything that can be found lying around.
Perhaps they are lying around.

2 seconds

Of life remaining as 10 years swooped by, who knew being lonely
meant being blind.
Blind to one's own sorrow, one's own lack,
soon it's just a stain on a white shirt.
Jaded to the recent events.
a second ago

a smile. It almost surprised him or she or whoever it is.
reminded of humanity and love.
focused on our own problems we forget to love.
God has them.

And yet here we are,
standing under the stars with as many
lonely planets on earth.

And

well, don't sweep your own problems under the carpet but
don't sweep theirs too.
It's their room.

I hope they know what a smile means.
homeless people in my home.
homeless people in slippers made of gold.
homeless people with silver stained tongues.
homeless people on construction sites
homeless people are those who's heart is homeless.

One way home.
A truth kept quiet.
A hope uninvited...
May we walk in the way of God.
Walk with torch lights to show them the way,
hopefully mark their houses in his lane.
remind them or love,
and hold them close.

walking down streets of...
Opening the door to his home.
His heart belongs to someone now,
A Father.

my brothers, sisters, are finally home.

Hopes and dreams.
Shunned before my eyes.
Put out by cold fingers.
Lost in time.
White walls, repeated calls, weeping white walls stared straight back at me.
And loneliness was all I see.
How one took in biscuits and cups of tea for acquaintances.
And tears told bedtime stories to lonely ones.
And if time permits, their families would come and take a look.
Only to meet another tear.

But, maybe hopes and dreams still survived, and tears are not the end of bedtime stories.
To cause urgency and to cause me to love.
And if time permits, maybe one can be set free.
Behind those dull walls lay lives to be changed and eyes to be opened.
Only if time permits.  
Maybe this place isn’t so hopeless after all.

You are hurting yourself when you hurt others.

There is a side of me,
Broken, weak, left unhealed.

There is a side of me,
That hates myself, wanting to hide away from myself.  I don't want to see myself, in the mirror, i want to flee to somewhere else.

Could i be someone one else. I wish to
be someone else. No. Wishing. I want to be in someone else, someone better then who i am now.

But what if this someone has the same broken soul, hurt, weak, left to die on its own.

its okay.
i could handle this.
i can do it...right?
its alright.
i'm alright.
i can do this.
i can do this on my own.
i don't need their help, don't want them to know.
its okay.

Who am I to you? To the World. To the Lord. To you who bullies me sometimes. To you whom I have been a bully to once. To the birds of the skies. To the creatures at night. To the deep sea monsters down below.

Who am I to you? Who am I to me? Am I suppose to be you. Or to be me, my broken, weak self.  Am I suppose to speak out in the streets. Am I suppose to stay silent only outside but be nuisance behind those black screens of today. Am I suppose to sing my heart out in Church.

WHO am i suppose to be. what am i suppose to be.... all of them maybe. i can be broken. shattered to pieces. yet strong.  I need to know...who..what i am suppose to be..

"Who are you?"
"Well, I am Joshua."

That's how I would have always said in the shock that someone, SOMEONE, talked to me.

No, I didn't know myself.
Locked in a chamber of anxiety and wanting to be among THEM on their shelf.
To be labeled as cool.
To not be like a fool.
Someone to be laughed at.
Mocked and torn I don't wanna be that.

Already torn I replace them with fake zest and excitement.
"Finally, I am welcomed."
When I left primary school, that place of...pretense and regrets, I stood there in the new school.

"Who are you?'
"I....don't know..."
"I mean...I play sports...I played catching with the cool kids..."
"Urm....well, I don't like cartoons..they aren't cool..."
"I am...."

"Who are you?"
No respond.
I feel like such a lost con.
Those aren't me.
Those answers aren't me.
"Please accept me..."

"Who are you?"

I wish I was back to the times when I knew you. When I knew everything about you. When I knew who you wanted to be. When I knew what was happening in your life.  When I knew you, genuinely, true to life, in real-life.

It's been a couple of years. Not much has changed,   your eyes were watering, but you dared not say you were sad, broken and let down.

Now I don't know if you are true to me, true to what you say, what you show to me.  If you looked happy I won't know if you really were sad, unhappy.

Now I am doubting if I did my job. If they were secrets you kept from me since the very start of our adventure together. Maybe it is for the better.

I don't know you anymore. This I am sure.

If I was blind, would I be braver?
If I was deaf, would I be able to speak?
If I was just a bit taller, would I be able to ask?
If I was just a bit stronger, would I be able to share?
If I was...

if only the world wasn't filled with hate.
if only the world wasn't filled with people degrading another.
if only the world wasn't filled with jealousy.  
if only the world could be healed from its broken heart.
if only the world could be filled, fully with true genuine love.
it can be hard.
i know.
if only we knew the blessings we had all this time.
if we had laid them in a row, it would have been infinite, uncountable, that if we were to list them down, time would have run out of our hands.
one day, we would be reunited with the heavens above.
and all this could finally be fulfilled, that finally this empty world is filled.
whole and healed.
but for now, i would be wandering at the plains of this broken, hurting, world.

Please help the hurt, the broken, the shattered the sick.
Please don't leave them, ignore them and crush them to smithereens.
Even a weakly burning wick, I pray please don't quench it. There's still some life left in that weak frame of a body.
Please don't break even the weakest branch, they're fragile, please handle with care.

Even the "fortunate" ones, give something.
Do something.
Don't just sit down all day being sad for the people who are hurting.
Get up and do something.
They will continue to rot, to wither if someone doesn't come and give them a hug, a smile, to know that someone cares for them.
Loves them despite their weaknesses.
Who loves them despite being outcast of society.
i hate that.

"outcast" of society.

Confident, strong.
What could go wrong?

Typed in some numbers, letters, words.
Brought me away into some place far away.

Sitting on the stool.
Heart and mind.
Into the electric pendelum.
Growing cold.

Your voice through a blocked megaphone.
Echoing softly in my mind.
But I soon went away from home.
Built walls made more than stones.

I ignored your call, that should'nt be the case.
I shouldn't be ignoring you warnings.
Building immediate walls when I hear you? That's alarming...

Mouth. Voice. Hesitant. Flesh vs Spirit.
Fear vs Love.
If only I could stop letting the lizard step on the plans God has for me.
If only he could stop conducting the ochestra in my head. To play the music he wants to hear.
Help me see past the nice wrapped empty boxes. What if the cardboard boxes out of view kept bars of silver, marble and gold. Or something even better.
If only I could stop riding on marble waves, and drown in deep. To have been surrounded by your Love. Mercy. Grace.
Maybe I don't know the plans, but you showed me pieces, cassate tapes, videos of what your plan is for me.
Show me more.
Show me pictures of your majesty.
Movies of what is a Godly family.
Help me get past this.
Open up my heart.
Force open it.
I want to give you the keys. You know my secrets, my dreams.
You take care of me in my sleep...
Lord, my family, my friends.
Help me with my insecurities...

crushing noises.
muffled screams.
tried to explain. you dont want me to repeat.
i cry, tearing myself up.
feels hard to smile.
feels painful to frown.
help me.
drowned.
cold.
i need someone to hold...me.
me?
isnt it i who torn myself up?
torn personality, flowers, they don't look as pretty...
the sun...too bright, what if they see the glass tears i was weeping.
"are you okay?"
"need help?"
please...Le----sta--ve.
help me..don't..... need that...

you don't want to inside my mind.
i beg you.
please.
dont care about me.
i dont want to be a burden to you.
i dont want to worry you.
let me drown.
it happens...for...reasons.
i can do it....ewocmdkwodm"youcan't"owkcmk......
i whisper through the knives you placed in me...
"help me..."

You don't even ask questions, you stuff answers into my mouth.
You don't give evidence and I believe in your lies.
You pull me down into a slur of words, drowning me into a conversation that never seem to end but starts worlds.
You Pierce me with a knife.
You cut me up into stitched pieces.
help me, and you say "no one cares."
You threw me out.
You kick me out of my own mind.
You close the door.
You keep me out.
You stone me with fire and ice.
You let me keep the burden all to my own.
i can't keep up.
i am broken apart.
just please, give me a moment, and then we talk?

Would you dive into the darkest depths of memories and fears in the name of Love?

Would you destroy your tower of pride in the name of Love?

Would you be willing to unwrap the ***** cloth around the thorns that hurt you before in the name of Love? For the sake of Love?

Would you be willing to risk your life in the name of Love?

Would you be willing to allow pain and firestorms mould you?

Would you be willing to put all the hate on yourself so that another could feel loved?

Would you? All in the name of Love. All for the sake of Love. All for the giving of love. All for the defense of Love. All...for Love...

the cross before me,
it was meant to be mine,
and i saw love.

Cold walls, death glares,
Someone's hurt, nobody cares.
No matter how close,  still far apart.
The only greetings are the blank stares and avoidances of people, and the distance between heart to heart.
Heads down, eyes shimmering, shimmering in the blue light of the black screens.
Is love just simply loving the significant other?
So downward this society.
This city.
It's so sad that a kind greeting is an indication of someone weird.
That simply being kind is too hard. Too weird.
A stranger.
So downward this society.
This Babylon of today.
Is going to fall someday.
I hope that we could finally break this cold walls.
That the only way to break them is really as simple as smiling to another,
waving to a stranger.
It really isn't that hard to let love.....is it?

touchy subjects.
hidden mistakes.
crashing thunder.
My heart, the rain.
Plundering down into the mess.
Trying to find hope in the dark.
Crying in a dark place.
trying to fix my mistakes.
fixing mistakes by not trying at all is not the way.
i tried.
but i made it worst.
No day is my day.
it really isn't
i say this not because i am broken or sad.
because isn't it true?
everyday belongs to the one who made it.
HIM.
He gave me another chance to live...
He gave me another day to breathe!
He sees potential in me that he would be willing to give me one more day to live.
When we die it's not that God didn't see the potential in us.
He gave all of us ample time.
Ample time to think.
Ample time to reflect.
Ample time to Love.
Amble time to Hope.
Ample time to help others, serve others.

The thing is.
I need happiness.
A true one.
"the one which would last."
I would ask.
I would want.
the one that would stick.
but surely.
through the storms i have been through.
i can rightfully and truthfully tell you,
that he gives true joy.
One that sticks for eternity.
One that is eternal, that will be.
One that is just so good.
so sweet.
so bliss.
so free...
i want that joy.
and you and i would never find it anywhere in any store.
True Joy.
True peace.
Is found in HIM.
The source.
The ONE.
He is the one I want.
The thing is...I already have him.
Serving him.
Has never been in second place in my "blessings" list.
It is so beautiful.
All of him that I have, would never be in second place of the list.

I want you.

I cannot believe you would say that you would want me to die and not give me mercy.
I won't believe it.
I couldn't believe you don't love me.
I won't believe it.
I couldn't believe you would not be by my side when I am lost when I am confused and broken.
I won't.
I won't believe it.

in the town of Jerusalem,
my home,
my warzone,
my heart's stone.

i set off from home,
with weathered sandals
and broken eyes

i sought for treasure,
not gold nor wine,
oil and water
a feast for two

and i
walked past a building.
a wind past trees,
light through holes,

and i felt a
strange sensation
in my heart.

it stood like a castle
stripped of it's
false gold.

i stopped to see,
among your disciple, was
a man with a robe
tied

around his waist
and he had
eyes with

a million oceans in them,
and had a fire within
so bright.

washing their feet.
and i wondered,

was it true, Jesus,
that you only acted humble.
or have you

hoaxed entire kingdoms into
believing your God.

divine encounters
wine skins and
calling the dead out of slumber,

and here,
you've ordered a counterfeit vine for
your branches.

the hope of you being real
was seeping into the earth,
like

depleted souls
desperately looking for its
own grave.

but i took a second,
a third look.
5 blinks and a breath,

isn't that you.

i looked again,
and i saw your arms like trees
reaching towards

empty mouths,
i saw a wine stained
robe, and

whiplashed skin,
i didn't know what it meant.

you invited yourself
stripped yourself of heaven
and lowered yourself to

wash the feet of those
who follow you.

oh, the awe.

oh, the sheer weight of

love that swept into, above and through me.

my ears starts to tear up
despite the drought inside me,
and i was filled up,
even though broken cisterns laid
bare
within me
and the world looked

just a bit brighter.
and life finally
felt like life.
and not

empty pots and
eyes that bled pain
nor is it a heart stabbed by its own
mother.

at that moment.
within this...
second.
glimpse.

bleep in eternity.
i knew you were God

and you are real.

it sometimes feels better to stay sad.
to stay in pain, pinned to the world, to have lost all you had.
to stay in the pit because it is hard.
because hurt and pain shattered and twisted your heart.
it feels warmer.
because it made you love the cold.
your joy grows old.

but.
being happy is better.
when the cold is gone.
and fear and hurt and pain lose its horns.
it's horns of exultation.
when divine love doesn't seem so far.
it never did, and never has been.
its when your heart becomes whole and the holes close up, and plans of the wicked on folds up.
when numbers no longer matter.

Jesus loves you.

So I thought of you seeing the poem I wrote you.
My heart lit up, filled with joy and gratitude for what you did.

The song that was playing just added to the joy, the gratitude, the assurance, the peace I have.

Night comes in, protection strips thin.
Frail fingers held the cages closed.
And with just a slip, the monsters come out.
And, they aren’t me.

Just keep it in.
Keep them slit in.
And i sit, thin.

trying to put, chemicals on our faces.
trying to put dead things into the living.
trying to look pretty by being dead.
by being fake...

it's true, isn't it?
the world is starting to love the lies. And hate the truth.
bowing down to idols that didn't exist.
trying to put something meant to be last.
looks are above the beauty within. is it?

this world.
they love the things, the very things destroying them.
being kings and queens of material things, is that who we are now?
of things that won't last but a kingdom of things.
things in the line of being burnt up when the last days come.
and only then would they say:

"what have i done with my lives."

and i could imagine them trying to cover it up with half-truths.
yet until then, people won't repent.
stubborn. they don't know the love within them.






"get your hands of devil." "of my people" "get your hands off my family and friends." "you already lost."

Running out of thoughts for ink.
My pen running out of its black and white ink.
missing links.

Haven't been thinking.
Missing moments by the lake.
Haven't been noticing the changing snowflakes.

Avoiding the dark thoughts.
Afraid that would play at my own hands.
Avoiding the mess laying in the middle of my mind.

Haven't been spending time with God.
I forgot.
I want to be by that lake.
When I would put down my distractions and sit by the sun and think.
Maybe finally looking at myself over the sink...

Fear, please don't embrace me.
Please don't come chasing after me.
Please don't.

Fear, please don't stop me.
Please don't make me to be afraid to even worship God...

Worthlessness, please don't replace my mirror.
Please don't take away my identity, the truth I hold onto.

Uselessness, please don't come and be my secretary.
Please don't be my frequent notifications on my phone, on my heart.

Unloving, please don't come and replace my heart.
Please don't keep captives my thoughts, my words, my actions.

No. I am not asking.
I am telling you.
To leave.

Broken hearts.
Lost ones in the dark.
A cage for a mouth.
The voice inside refused to come out.
Locking of hands.
Tightening of chest.
Hoping to be alive.
Trying to survive.
My father.
Sorry for letting you down.
For putting the scroll down.
For missing the crown.
Forgive me.
I pray.
Your presence, I crave.