What if I'm not good enough
What if my mind finally crumbles
What if I just can't be tough
What if my feet start to stumble

What if my fake little smile
Couldn't hold up my face
What if they don't walk a mile
In my shoes, in my place

What if they know how much I care
About them and everything
What if they shoot me out of the air
And saw off my frail wings

What if I decide to trust someone
But I make a mistake
What if I don't say that I'm done
Before I fall and break

What if I act just a little too nice
And they only take me for granted
What if I point out a horrible vice
And their opinion of me is slanted

I know, I know
I say I don't care
*Yet, full of woe
I've no smiles to spare

He thumps in your chest
Never stops to rest
Beat and beat
From head to feet
Keeps you going
Keeps blood flowing
Pumps life in you
'Til your life is through

Despite his cause
He recieves no applause
For he's to blame
For all our pain
But is that true
If only we knew
The anatomical heart
Isn't the one tearing us apart

He does his job
Doesn't blab his gob
And yet we gloat
On our scapegoat
We point our flaws
Against all laws
And he is the defendant
Still we are so dependant

He says, "I'm full of reason.
I've comitted no treason.
If you feel drained,
Accuse the brain.
She always gets away with it.
It makes me want to have a fit.
She toys with your emotions.
I've created no commotion."

Feeling comes from our mind
So next time try to be kind
Because the atomical heart
Is an important body part
And you wouldn't want to beat it down
Then one day find that it has drowned
In your false accusations
Made by your frustrations

Foot tapping
Hand shaking
Mind racing
Walls breaking
Strength taking
Nail biting
Head throbbing
Knees clattering
Life shattering

*Leave me,
Anxiety!

She burnt up as her life burnt down
But her screams for help did not make a sound
And all of the joys that she had ever found
Were long turned into ashes now

While others dream sweetly
in the comfort of their minds,
you scream in the hurricane of your own.
Your mind is a knot
and when you try to untie it,
it just gets more tangled.
All your faults and mistakes
throw themselves further into you.
They are a tidal wave
and when you try to swim,
you just get pulled in
deeper below the surface,
into the sea of thoughts, emotions, and dreams.
You keep wishing on the stars
but when you reach out to touch them
they just fly farther away
from the reach of your hand
which slowly retreats back
to its guarding position
shielding your ears
so that the voices will stop;
the silent whispers that are so loud
they make the walls cave in
and as they fall you are buried alive
by everyone and everything.
And once you dig deep enough into yourself,
it all goes quiet as an eerie silence
covers your entire body and you are still;
paralyzed with feeling as you try to block it all out
because it’s all too much.
And you remain frozen until the sun rises
and saves you from your mind.

What a wondrous delight!
We have conquered the night!
Oh, this glorious light,
Has driven off our fright!

But- gosh golly- oh my!
Have you seen the bright sky?
Do not worry or sigh,
For today, we will fly!

In the clouds, we will soar!
High up, above the moor!
Oh, how the sea will roar,
When we're far past the shore!

Come now, and please do follow!
There's not time tomorrow!
Do not sit and wallow,
But fly like the swallow!

Fly now, my bird,
**For we shall never know
When the skies will close.

Photographs can't capture
The majesty of sight
The daisies in the rain
Cloaked in vibrant light

Recordings can't capture
The music of ears
Melody of wonder
All I wish to hear

Words can't always capture
Feelings I possess
Raging storms in me
Leave me as a mess

Thinking about him:
palpatations

Being around him:
flutter

Talking to him:
fibrillation

All that's left is
cardiac arrest...

The smallest flakes of hope
That shine like little stars
Are floating from the heavens.
As they land on my pale skin
They begin to melt away
Back into their liquid form.
I am so cold, but so are they.
How can they melt on me?
It's odd how such fragile crystals
Can create such a deadly storm.

Usually I hide away
Deep within my shell
I'm safe

Usually I just obey
Ignorance, I sell
I'm sound

Usually I do not say
And I dare not tell
I'm silent

Somehow, unlike anyone else
*You make me comfortable
When I'm vulnerable

you are an a d d i c t i v e substance,
     and you still haven't left my system.
a potent chemical coursing through my veins,
     making me beg for just a little more.
one more conversation, one more smile,
     one more hit to tide me over for a while.
but i keep coming back a g a i n and a g a i n,
      "i promise this is my last hit,"
           but it never is.

i can compare you to nicotine,
     but in some ways you are worse.
the stench of that "lava flow" vape juice
     is still permeated in my car upholstery.
the sickening, sweet smell reminding me
     of what i have disallowed myself to posses.

but with you
     the reminders are all around,
and the cravings
     don't lessen after three days.

you aren't doing me any good
     i'm aware.
that's why i'm trying to quit you.

but the voice in my head w h i s p e r s
     that you aren't that bad,
           that i can handle it.

so i'll keep waiting for these cravings to fade,
     but i won't say that i'm an a d d i c t.

in the dead of night
the silence overwhelms me
and I can hear all

Your faults they will seem to ignore
Your value they claim to adore
They don't make it seem like a chore
They don't claim that it makes them sore
Until they are done and slam the door
Only to leave you on the floor
Kindness didn't used to be a war
It doesn't seem like that anymore
Though they used to restore
They now only deplore
They will drown you 'til you're washed ashore
Until you've nothing left to live for

There's always a place
Where the sand meets the sea,
Yet Earth's changing face
Seems so stable to me.

Nature is a maze
Mountains, deserts, and plains,
Yet we, in our craze,
Seem to enjoy its chains.

Dependence, we own
We kiss the dry soil,
Yet seeds we have sown
Seem so worth the toil.

Pains we do endure
Natural disaster,
Yet this ground's allure
Results in hereafter.

and sometimes she thought
all her life had ever wrought
was a thickened plot

and tied in a knot
she wondered if she would rot
every time she fought

and she was distraught
that she might never be caught
she was always fraught

and she hadn't taught
herself all the things she ought
so sickness she bought

Her name was embroidered on his fragile heart
Only thin stitches kept him from falling apart
The thousands of needle ****** couldn't compare
To the agony he felt when she was not there
His aorta was lined with little yarn knots
That made her fill and clutter all of his thoughts
As the thick blood passed through it got stuck in the thread
And he could not forget a single word that she said
And so a blood clot formed and he fell in love
She was now something he could never be free of

sleep, I need you dearly
                                  why
                    ­            do
                          you
                   hold
            back
      from
me?
my eyes are sluggish and
          
             I am overbearingly weary
                                                   why
                                                 do
                                           you
                                     hide
                             away
                    from
             me?
             oh, how can you not see me
                            
                          in this pale haze, I'm dreary
                                                          ­         why
                                                             ­    do
                                                          you
  ­                                                   lie
                                          awake
           ­                         with
                            me?
   ­                      you drown me, I am dying...

the gentle showers
bring soft and quiet hours
and water flowers

Silent waves, sparkling sea,
Happiness and plunder,
It all turns to gloom and doom,
As I realize: we're going under.

Overboard! Overboard!
Try and learn to swim!
Sharks and fish,
Make a wish,
As you're slapped by fins.

Crying, praying,
Trying, fraying,
Way to take a chance.
Up 'til now you had no clue,
Life was so precious.

Now it grows dark and dreary,
Farther that you sink.
Until now, you've held your breath,
But you let it go and wonder:
Should I have given up just now,
Or tried a little harder?

mornings are hard for me
and they're getting worse exponentially

because last night i told myself
"it's okay, we'll try again tomorrow"
and i set my worries up on the shelf
only to awaken to another day of sorrow

i sleep too much, but it's filled with chaotic dreaming
waking up ten times, heart racing, staring at the ceiling

because i can't escape all the overwhelming feelings
and i don't know where they came from, but i think it's everywhere
so i'm just sitting here, sobbing and seething
crushing my skull with my hands over my ears

and the only way i can express is through paper and rhyme
but i haven't picked up my pen in such a long time

because i think i'll cancel my therapy appointment
since last week i told her i've been off my meds for a month
and i'm so sick and tired of being a disappoinment...
when i said i was doing well, it was just a front

how many cups of coffee will it take
this morning for me to not feel like a mistake

Green smudges on a child's knees
As he falls into the grass
After playing in the trees

Dirt puddles on a child's pants
From rolling in the soil
But no one takes a second glance

Grass stains and mud spots
The wounds of a child's play
Maybe if our scars were only that
We'd all be okay

He told me I seemed filled with joy
And I laughed a little bit on the inside
But I remained polite and coy
Considering at how easy it is to hide

I don't show it cause they won't care
They don't want to know what it's really like here
Living in my mind of despair
Always wishing that I could just disappear

So I'll wake up every morning
And reattach a smiling mask to my face
And they'll remain without warning
Of what it's like inside this case

If I had to guess on what I've seen
I'm not too sure that she likes me
I've played the game, I know it well
But with this girl it's hard to tell

If I could talk to just anyone
Then talking to him would be fun
He seems funny, he seems so nice
I only need to break the ice

I'm afraid of what she might say
If I give too much of myself away
If she thinks me another man
Will she like me for who I am

When conversing, he seems so closed
Almost as if he is trying to pose
Wondering what he is hiding
I conclude that it's dividing

With her style and class she is far above me
Afraid to ask if she could ever love me
A girl like her, a boy like me
I have my wants, she is my need*

With his depth and thought he's far away from me
Afraid to wonder if he could know me
A mind like his, a fool like me
My longing for him is decreed

All my nights are hide and seek
Searching here and there for sleep
Just around the corner, I peek
Falling down a ***** so deep
I can barely even speak
So I lay here, counting sheep

If we don't talk for a few weeks,
Our friendship might start to seem bleak,
But are you quite sure that is a reason
To go and commit blatant treason?

If you so easily lose your interest,
You will surely create a gap, a distance,
Between what you love and who you love,
And you might never rise above.

If I can't always make the time
To find your hilltop and to it climb,
Shall you assume that I am idle and lazy
Before considering that your ridges are hazy?

If they break my bones and tear open my scars
As they stab needles into my flesh and release my stars,
Will you still wait for me to come around
When you know I am debilitated on the ground?

All that we can see
All that we can hear
Is nothing but a dream
It isn't really there

When I am near
I lose my breath
In a swift movement

When I am gone
I lose my breath
In a slow suffocation

Both are excruciating
But I can't seem to decide
Which is worse

I don't know how to describe
But they all seem to inscribe
Their every pain on me

Whenever someone feels down
I just kind of start to frown
But they will never see

I know it doesn't make sense
My feelings are so intense
And they drive me crazy

What I feel is much deeper
The cliff doesn't get steeper
Will I ever be free?

no matter how far I've come
how much I've been doing better
I always return and succumb
to this deep and chronic fetter

the darkness slowly creeps back in
too tired, to scared, to restless
maggots wriggling under my skin
psyche becoming monstrous

I know the feeling all too well
like an old friend I can't let go
encasing me in a protective shell
personally fitted not to show

I find I've changed drastically
yet still not much at all
just a child dreaming fantastically
a forest fairy in the fall

the more I learn to love myself
the less I'm fond of others
a dress up doll atop a shelf
with poor emotional buffers

I wonder what it's like to live
as oblivious as you are
what it feels like not to give
your years to itchy scars