I remember the first time I wrote you a letter. I wanted to give it to you so bad, each line amongst the blank sheet of paper held secrets and emotions that only belonged to you.

I compared constellations to you, stars and galaxies held the word to shame when it came to beauty because of the way you sparkled; You made the dormant volcano inside me, awaken.

I knew that by the time the ash reached my neck the words "I love you" would never taste the same from the moment you came into my life. I thought I knew what fire tasted like, but the day I kissed you- Crustfied lava in my belly melted into butterlies and rose out of my mouth with your name forming at the edge my tounge and a home for you inside my heart.

And every-time you left my blood to turn at the edge of the blue abyss I wondered if I would ever see you again.

By the time you had come back the butterflies you gave life to, Migrated-looking for love where the sun was abundant and flowers with your name still inside; Sweet with the taste of your skin.

I was empty for months.

It was months after the great migration and spring was in the air, flowers still singing pieces of the way you said you missed me. It took me time to understand that some plants are poisonous to your health but I was so alive with the memories of us still intoxicating the contours of my mind. I was high off of your love, your body, every **** thing about you.

The day you returned, I was no longer the same. My voice was softer. My eyes keen, and my hands rougher against your skin. Yet, the love I had for you went untouched all these years despite the amount of life changing sequences we both faced.

You changed also, so many things were different.

The way you said your own name held fire. You held your chin higher than usual, and your voice rougher, but understanding. You spoke in a formulated manner, never giving in or up. You argued more, you were so stubborn with me. But amongst all that I could see and taste form your lips, one look into your eyes and I knew that nothing had changed between us.

Come morning, the sun kissed you before I could but I stared in awh, and jealousy because come tomorrow I know I wouldn't wake up with the ability to do the same. That doesn't mean that I wasn't grateful for tasting sunrise with your naked self, body and mind sleeping soundlessly next to me.

I knew from that day that I would never love anyone else the way that I love you.

Through the darkest of our days and the brightest, you still have a home within my heart. I will always be waiting for the day I get the chance to kiss you before the sun does.

I wake up in the middle of the night smelling the cherry blossoms that once left your skin. My brain has embedded this smell and whenever I get a hint of it anywhere your names crosses my mind, and most often than not it’s frequent.

I think of the way your skin looked -under the dim light as we lay naked in the living area after ***.

The taste of your skin is still fresh on my tongue and I want it again and again, like a ******* cigarette.

You’re the addiction I can’t get rid of like a ****** ****** I crave you and I get anxious whenever it feels like an eternity since my veins last felt your warmth course through my bloodstream.

You’re the numbness I would rather feel than the oblivion that awaits when the day comes and I no longer have a vice. And you a grip on me and my soul.

Our love was poetic, the type that you find writers writing about in their journals. Trying to find ways to compare the burning sensation our hearts feel when our bodies touch.
Does it look similar to the way a star dies- colours imploding and spraying a pitch black emptiness with a spectrum of colours so surreal it seems as if the universe took acid.

Would they start to write about how it’s so destructive that it reminds them of the California wildfires that engulf acres in minutes.

Our love, it reminded them of the way the ocean felt- vast and mysterious. They wrote about the way the moon would pull against the ocean and the way the ocean pushed back, telling the world about how I would hold you close against my body and you would push away, our bodies like the waves.

We were beautiful.

Stars melted at the sight of our kisses, creating supernovas that would make the unknown elements that sit at the bottom of our bellies like undiscovered essentials that make us whole.
Broken pieces that came together better than puzzle pieces.
Our love was endless.

So why did you go?

I was going to write a poem about you, telling you how much I miss you. How one day you’ll realize I was everything you needed, as a friend. I was going to state how amazing the memories we’ve made were. But I’m done writing about you. About us.

We could have been beautiful.

How many milligrams a day must you take to fill the emptiness your body is so used too.

depression feels like a fire,
burning your insides endlessly.
Bones wither away,
embers barely lit light the skin
that once knew it stood for more
than just skin.

Anxiety eats at you,
unknowingly your body has become cannibalistic.
There is a war raging inside your mind,
destroying the ability to decipher
what’s pain and what’s not.

here’s a bottle with 35 pills
I hope it helps.

" Don’t over-doze "

I found you in the deepest confines of my mind
woke up and saw your hand at the edge of my bed

were you even real?
perhaps I was imagining your presence
within these four walls.

Will the dream-catcher burn your bones come sunrise
Will I taste your ashes when your lips burn my tongue

Rain drops fall onto my skin and commit slow suicide.

I didn’t know getting so close to me would start to **** you.

Like rain you broke Into a trillion atoms as blood spilt onto my hands you started to blame me for causing you pain.

I reacted the way I knew best, I had to say goodbye.

I evaporated into thin air.
Thing was it wasn’t so good, but it really was a farewell.

You now fall onto someone else’s skin causing them joy, a piece of happiness that once smiled onto my lips now kisses another.

It’s easy for climate to change, now all I feel against my teeth is the sunshine.

I’m tired but I can’t seem to sleep these recent nights, your name is on every corner of the city and all I think about is us.

I need sleep. Maybe I would with you next to me, listening to you as you breathe in stardust slowly the moonlight kisses your skin I just want to watch you light up the room past midnight.

I want the ocean to feel jealous that the moon is sleeping next to me tonight.

I spend two hours every day writing you letters. In over two months I’ve written about a hundred, each and every one has met the heat of a fire.
Each one burned with a “sorry” at the end and I think I’ve said that word far too much that it’s lost it’s meaning.

I’m not sorry I fell in love with you.

I’m not sorry you meant the world to me.

I’m not sorry I gave you my all.

But most importantly I’m not sorry I met you.

People are poison, people hurt you, people will learn to love you as you are, so know that I loved you for the ****** up individual that you were.
You scared me just as much as I scared you.

But it didn’t change the way I felt about you.

Today I found out that human beings are not mirrors.

1. I saw you cracked and I said to myself “fix her”

2. I thought about 10 different ways to “fix” her.

3. Affection.

4. Love.

5. Lust.

6. Poetry.

7. Kisses.

8. Letters.

9. Hugs.

10. Fix her.
10. Fix her.
10. Fix her.

Slowly realizing that you couldn’t be fixed I stepped away from your shattered heart.

I saw your body bruised and thought to myself she’s been through hell, so why should I try to throw more gasoline on her melting corpse.

Maybe I have an attraction towards insanity.

After all aren’t we all?

All this time and I thought you needed me, when in fact it was I that needed you.

And I still do.

Now I know that we can’t fix each other, and in the process I learned how to love even the darkest pieces.

So when you ask me why I love you, know it’s because I’ve seen you at you’re best and your worst, and I choose both every ******* time.

I always will,
always.

When I walk into the Emergency Room I know exactly what they're going to say, "Four years is a long time for a broken heart to heal" I guess they don't know how hard you hit it with your fist. So they stick me with a needle full of morphine and tell me, "This will help". It never does.

2. Dried lips and Swollen "I love you's" can make you feel again but god I don't want to feel anything if it means sitting here with my lungs filling up with fluids suffocating me while my ribs crack and splinter every ******* part of my body when she doesn't reply.

3. I told my Best friend I wanted to fall in love and he told me he would start writing my eulogy.

4. Words get stuck inside my bloodstream and their edges cut into my heart. I want to tell you how much I ******* miss you. I can't stop bleeding.

5. My mother always told me not to love someone with my entirety, because one night they'll turn off the lights and they'll take every fiber of me and forget come back to switch them back on.

6. There are over a thousand ways to **** yourself, hang yourself, burn the house with your body still in it, do too much ******, bleed yourself dry, let the weight of stone where your heart used to be drag you down to the bottom of the lake. I think the most effective way is making love with someone whose name you'll never be able to say without shaking.

7. You don't burn in a fire. You just become a part of it. Your hair ignites like fireworks end, your bones turn into coals, and your eyes melt into the embers. They say that being burned alive is the worst pain you could experience they were telling the truth I should have been more careful around you and your words that lit me aflame. There was a lot of choking and burning and thrashing and darkness.

8. When I told you to sleep with me I didn't mean Leave come sunrise and forget what happened.

9. Maybe you should come over. Maybe I should change the locks. I think I love you again.

10. I stopped smoking because you could stop my hands from shaking just as well as a cheap pack of cigarettes but you rot my insides even worse.

8:55 am

I woke up and the first thought I had while my eyes were adjusting to morning light, was you.

9:30 am

I took a shower with hot water, hoping that the solitude of a small room would allow my thoughts to be rinsed away but sadly you flooded my heart, suffocating me.

11:00 am


Today is the 22 of June. For some strange reason I still keep track of when I met you, when was the last time I saw you. I never wonder if I'll see you again, or how long it'll take for that to eventually happen.

I forgot what time it was, because I was thinking so much about you that time became irrelevant.

It didn't matter how long I've known you for because you came and impacted my life like an asteroid on some planet. You left me bruised, I know your touch now and I know your love.

5:00 pm

I'm still thinking about you.


8:00 pm

The sunset reminds me a lot about you, how beautiful you are and how you don't even bother or care to know. I could look at you for an eternity or two, and still love you for what and who you are.

Mid-night.

Here I go, hoping that in my sleep I'll get some peace but truly how I just ******* wish you could be here next to me in bed.

Maybe it's all a dream.

I miss you.

2. I miss you.

3. I miss you.

4. I spend two hours or maybe four wondering where you are and what exactly happened between us. I spend more time wondering about you then I do about the world.

5. I still miss you.

6. It's been over 68 days since I last saw your face, but it doesn't matter because I can still recall the way your lips felt, the way your hands touched me. I even remember the way your skin smells, I remember everything about you.

7. I read somewhere that you shouldn't beg someone to stay in your life. If they need to remove themselves allow them too. Perhaps there is more reason behind that fact than I come to justify in my own mind.

8. I think I fell in love with you.

9. I am in love with you.

10. I still miss you.

11. I still love you.

12. We were so bad for each other, but maybe love is a type of poison. One that we learn to endure.  

13. All of these are messages I wish I could send you.

14. Find happiness where ever you may be.

15. I'll still love you and I'll miss you dearly.

15. I'll be waiting for you.

I find the little pieces of you in everyone. I met a girl yesterday, her name starts with an L, like yours, and the girl I sat next to in Starbucks was reading your favourite book and the little kid I saw in the park today kinda laughs like you.

2. I heard drowning was a peaceful way to die but thoughts of you have been twisting around my arms and pulling me under and holy **** I can't breathe. Water is burning at my throat, and my eyes feel like they're being incinerated. Everything hurts. I'm falling deeper, I'm at my breaking point. My lover finds me thrashing around in bed screaming your name. Drowning is messy.

3. I asked you for a lighter to light my cigarette with since I misplaced mine. But instead you said a collection of words that set me on fire, and you watched me burn to the ground. You could've put me out. Why didn't you just ******* put me out?

4. I guess I didn't know what I was expecting. I know life is far from what the movies you love watching come to be, I know that I won't get the girl because I'm the guy whose loved her when she stopped altogether. I know that I won't get the chance to kiss you in the rain either, but I just didn't think I would get to watch you slip through my fingers and mistake you for someone to fall asleep to when I was lonely.

5. You were never into writing or anything, your favourite hobby was breaking my heart.

When you first looked at me like I was a rare gem, I saw your eyes glisten like the ocean when the Sun at sunrise hits it. I fell in love with you 30 seconds after you told me I was "beautiful"

2. The first time we kissed I swore to God it felt like a dream. All my nightmares left me and I was somewhere over the horizon with clouds on my mind and you in my veins. I tasted you for the next several weeks, I never kissed your lips again after that first time.

3. I thought that once you see someone naked you see them extensively and into their soul. When I touched your paled skin I felt like an astronaut and explored your skin like Armstrong on the moon. I've never witnessed something so beautiful and lovely. But you were the  moon who never fully showed her face. I realized I should've listened in astronomy class.

4.  You wrote pieces inside my rib cage and opened a new chapter inside me. Helping me realize I wasn't halfway near to where I needed to be.

5. I fell in love with the idea of you.

5. I fell in love with the idea of you.

5. I fell in love with you.

6. It took me over a month to come to the conclusion that I loved you.

7. I still love you.

8. I don't know where you are, or how you've been. You severed our way of communicating and I am so so lost without you.

9. Time has a way of putting things in order, but what do I do if the hands on the clock have developed arthritis and I am still forgetting memories. I am losing my memory. Sometimes I recall half of one, and pick up the ending of another, what does it mean?

10. I still love you.

10. I miss you.

10. I think I miss you more than I love you.

For the last few months I’ve been breaking down inside like the atoms in raindrops when they hit the concrete floor, involuntary suicide.

I don’t know why but you’ve been clouding up my mind and I feel the pressure build up inside my veins and I swear to god I can I smell you in the rain.

I feel like I miss the sunshine against my skin,
the warmth the rays left as they kissed me gently
now all I can feel is the wetness your lips
left behind as you kissed my chest,
my hands,
my cheeks.

A storms brewing ever so
and I’m afraid this will be to much for me too handle.

But I guess,
that’s why storms are named after people,
because they destroy you beautifully

Laying in bed wondering where I can find traces of what once was.
“It wasn’t supposed to end this way”
“You are one half of a memory whose other half was burnt away in a letter and washed away down the drain”
“what was your original configuration?”

1. (a) Static fills my red walls as you leave behind white noise with your lips slightly leaving the brim of my cheek. Ghost images of your body resurfacing in the darkness of loneliness. Sometimes I can hear your voice in the unsettling tick of my watch and you whisper violently that someone somewhere is disappointed in me.

2. Today’s secret ingredient is courage with a pinch of pride. My mother comes home from work and spends her evening cleaning the kitchen and pretending that her chest pains and cough with midst of blood are indicative of strong cleaning chemicals and not enough hydration.

2. (a) They keep telling me that I am to young to know what love is, that it’s foolish to be hopelessly romanticized. To live life one day at a time, if there were any other way to live. Or at least stumble across reasoning behind existing. Maybe there is a woman who lives one week at time, or perhaps by the way the hands of the clock move as seconds whisper into the numerical symbols idolized by towers and small wrist watches. Moments that can not be bothered by trivial remnants of day-to-day lessons. She is a big picture kind of gal who doesn’t wait patiently for stop signs to allow her to cross streets in the suburb jungle, She doesn’t avoid eye contact with people who look at her with bewildered eyes. Who drinks coffee in the morning with a strange french name and kisses with her eyes open.

2. (c) My little niece watched me through the window pane while I lied to my lover on the phone of why I couldn’t sleep in her bed anymore. My neighbors dog barked, tilted his head, and lied on the grass. When i hung up the phone and put my smoke out he runs back into the house as if the dark cloud over my head had broken off into a thunderstorm and drove him away.

How lost must I get in order for you to come Find me?

I don’t know why you continue to have the effect that you do on me.

I can’t explain the thoughts and emotions that run through my mind when I see you, because I don’t fully understand them myself. I don’t know what I need to do to move beyond all of this, and I’m sure that it’s not for lack of trying. The only thing that I do know is that I no longer see myself as the person who I once was, having lost the idealism and positivism that once constituted such strong elements of my character.


I loved you.
I don’t know how I can state it any more plainly. I loved you for everything I thought you were, and for everything that I became when I was with you. When we were together, I felt truly happy and complete in a way that I had never felt before. Being with you recontextualized everything that I thought I knew about love, and I came to understand that while I had felt love in the past, it was only a shadow of what real love could be. Now, I don’t honestly believe that I will ever find someone who I can feel that same love for, and with that realization, I can find very little motivation to experience the future at all. The two of us related on a level that went beyond simple emotion or base attraction. We made our connection on a truly spiritual level, which is something so rare as to be unique in our lives, and something that I believed was worth trying to hold onto. When I saw that, the casual relationships that had characterized my highschool experience far began to seem so purposeless and empty, insignificant in the face of something far greater.

Be that as it may, I recognize that I have to let it all go. There is no purpose served in my holding onto the hope that we might someday have that relationship that I once envisioned. Even if circumstances allowed us another chance, I know that the events of the past would color things to a degree where it could never truly work. To begin a relationship with a close friend, despite never breaking up with your previous boyfriend, is an act that goes beyond words. To compound it by calling it love after breaking my heart is simply despicable.

We both understood that tied inextricably to those feelings of love was a desire to share an intensely intimate part of yourself. We are willing to be emotionally open because we have the expectation and knowledge that in doing so, we can make that shared connection so much stronger and deeper. What you have done is to associate yourself forever with that aspect of love, to tarnish that that act of truth and candor with memories of dishonesty, pain and self-absorbed egotism. The end result is that I am now afraid of allowing myself to enter into a serious emotional relationship again because I fear that they will act in the same manner that you did.
We run a risk when we allow ourselves to love. We balance the possibility of pain against the chance for the development of something wonderful, and we weigh the options every time to determine if the gamble is worth the potential cost. I am no longer willing to run that gamble. I have become intimately familiar with what happens when we find ourselves on the wrong end of the odds, and I will not allow myself to be put through that again.

The impression that you made on me will remain with me for the rest of my life. You will always be the first person who I was able to say that I truly loved, and anyone who I allow into my life in the future will always be compared to you. As much as I hate that, I can accept that, and can even find some comfort in it, because it means that I may be able to understand love if I find it again. I can only hope that if I do, it will be with someone deserving of it.


I will be there for you in the future. But not as the friend I used to be. You made the decision to turn our relationship into something else, and that is a change that cannot easily be undone. You brought out emotions stronger than those associated with mere platonic friendship, and soiled them when you revealed those on your end to be only a malicious mockery. Because of that, I will be there in the future so that I can watch when he ceases to tolerate your *******, false intellectualism and contrived, hypocritical spirituality. I will be there when he is no longer willing to endure your self-absorption and utter obliviousness to others. I will be there when your relationship implodes, and I will be smiling to myself all the while, knowing that you once saw what could have been, and knowing that you made the decision to throw it all away. You were the one person who has ever had the power to truly hurt me, and the one person who ever took the opportunity to do so.

With hate unbounded,
Someone dumb enough to believe in love.

I shouldn’t write about you, but tonight I went star gazing and I thought about everyone I’ve ever made love with.
Your name crossed my mind and it drowned me in a flood of memories.
The first time you came over, you took my shirt off like rapid fire. Your breath smelt of ****** cigarettes and Redbull.
You’ve been drinking.
Your hair was all over the place hitting me here and there. I tried to place my fingers in-between your locks. But eventually I took your shirt off.
Ten minutes passed by and we were naked. Your body below me and I was crouching lower and getting closer to your ******. I kissed your thighs, licked them gently like a lollipop, savoring the the taste of your skin.
No one would ever taste like you do against my teeth. My tongue. My mouth.
You were so wet. I was so *****.
We switched sides, you’re on top now. Your mouth against my neck, your teeth making way into my skin like a thirsty vampire you bit me.
Your hands slowly skimming my chest and tracing my tattoos.
Everything was so perfect wasn’t it?
The way the moonlight hit your body, the temperature of the room wasn’t freezing but when our bodies were close we could feel them melting.
Funny thing, we didn’t have ***, it took us three years for that to happen. I’m not sure if I wasn’t ready too or if I was afraid too.
But when we did, your body felt like an ocean, and I was drowning out at sea.
I had trouble breathing but you were like oxygen to my lungs and I was alive. More alive than I’ve ever been. Thinking I never loved you would be a lie, and I’ve been constantly telling myself I didn’t.
But ******* I did. I loved you so much, but you were the girl with crystal blue eyes that broke my heart. The girl that got away. The one who swam in the night sky and sunbathed perched on the crescent moon.
You often cross my mind and I won’t lie I miss you, our ****** friendship we had.
The reason being because you showed me how to love myself. I respect you for that, I respect you for the human you are. Even if your feet were cold with me, I learned and I lived, I was the hero in my own story.
You will always be an important piece of my life. Even if you’ve disappeared from
It, we were fire and gasoline.
We could’ve been beautiful.
We will never know now, and I’m okay with that.
You are greatly missed.

I believe hurricanes sway away the filth we’ve built,
volcanoes engulf empires so something new
and healthy can flourish.

Oceans expand to submerge what’s poisoning the world.
Fires burn flesh that’s rotting.

These things I believe are ways Mother Nature shows the human race that she’s in power, and no one can overcome her.