I don’t know why you continue to have the effect that you do on me.
I can’t explain the thoughts and emotions that run through my mind when I see you, because I don’t fully understand them myself. I don’t know what I need to do to move beyond all of this, and I’m sure that it’s not for lack of trying. The only thing that I do know is that I no longer see myself as the person who I once was, having lost the idealism and positivism that once constituted such strong elements of my character.
I loved you.
I don’t know how I can state it any more plainly. I loved you for everything I thought you were, and for everything that I became when I was with you. When we were together, I felt truly happy and complete in a way that I had never felt before. Being with you recontextualized everything that I thought I knew about love, and I came to understand that while I had felt love in the past, it was only a shadow of what real love could be. Now, I don’t honestly believe that I will ever find someone who I can feel that same love for, and with that realization, I can find very little motivation to experience the future at all. The two of us related on a level that went beyond simple emotion or base attraction. We made our connection on a truly spiritual level, which is something so rare as to be unique in our lives, and something that I believed was worth trying to hold onto. When I saw that, the casual relationships that had characterized my highschool experience far began to seem so purposeless and empty, insignificant in the face of something far greater.
Be that as it may, I recognize that I have to let it all go. There is no purpose served in my holding onto the hope that we might someday have that relationship that I once envisioned. Even if circumstances allowed us another chance, I know that the events of the past would color things to a degree where it could never truly work. To begin a relationship with a close friend, despite never breaking up with your previous boyfriend, is an act that goes beyond words. To compound it by calling it love after breaking my heart is simply despicable.
We both understood that tied inextricably to those feelings of love was a desire to share an intensely intimate part of yourself. We are willing to be emotionally open because we have the expectation and knowledge that in doing so, we can make that shared connection so much stronger and deeper. What you have done is to associate yourself forever with that aspect of love, to tarnish that that act of truth and candor with memories of dishonesty, pain and self-absorbed egotism. The end result is that I am now afraid of allowing myself to enter into a serious emotional relationship again because I fear that they will act in the same manner that you did.
We run a risk when we allow ourselves to love. We balance the possibility of pain against the chance for the development of something wonderful, and we weigh the options every time to determine if the gamble is worth the potential cost. I am no longer willing to run that gamble. I have become intimately familiar with what happens when we find ourselves on the wrong end of the odds, and I will not allow myself to be put through that again.
The impression that you made on me will remain with me for the rest of my life. You will always be the first person who I was able to say that I truly loved, and anyone who I allow into my life in the future will always be compared to you. As much as I hate that, I can accept that, and can even find some comfort in it, because it means that I may be able to understand love if I find it again. I can only hope that if I do, it will be with someone deserving of it.
I will be there for you in the future. But not as the friend I used to be. You made the decision to turn our relationship into something else, and that is a change that cannot easily be undone. You brought out emotions stronger than those associated with mere platonic friendship, and soiled them when you revealed those on your end to be only a malicious mockery. Because of that, I will be there in the future so that I can watch when he ceases to tolerate your *******, false intellectualism and contrived, hypocritical spirituality. I will be there when he is no longer willing to endure your self-absorption and utter obliviousness to others. I will be there when your relationship implodes, and I will be smiling to myself all the while, knowing that you once saw what could have been, and knowing that you made the decision to throw it all away. You were the one person who has ever had the power to truly hurt me, and the one person who ever took the opportunity to do so.
With hate unbounded,
Someone dumb enough to believe in love.
This is a very old piece and i thought i'd share a very delicate piece.