It feels like ants are crawling over my hands and removing the skin to carry back to their hill.
My eyes are like two cotton *****, dry and heavy.
There is a blockage in my throat like a python has curled up in a ball right at the back of my neck.
And now my torso is no longer connected to my legs,
they are two separate entities.
One scrambling around the room trying to find something to do
while the other half lays stuck in bed, too heavy to even lift a skeletal finger.
The ants have take away all the skin and muscle from my hands to build their nest.
But it's not enough so they make their way down my throat, past the python, to my stomach, where they begin devouring me from the inside out.
Once all that’s left is a graveyard of bones,
the ants move along,
onto the next source for their ever-growing hill.
My skeleton is left to the elements,
well as much of the elements it can be exposed to laying in a pile of sheets and comforter.
I shed one last tear from my eye socket even though there are no tear ducts left for me to use.
My soul fades completely from the scene as the last straggling ant jumps from my skull and the python abandons the vertebrae left behind, needing a new food source to thrive.
A sad sack of bones,
what’s left of me lays in the bed as everything around it falls apart year after year.
Until all the decay is over and the process of rebirth begins.
Saplings shoot up through my ribcage
and flowers grow through the eye sockets where my tears used to fall silently.
Beauty replaces the feelings of death and dread as
the last piece of my soul is finally laid to rest.

there's a ring of fire in your eyes
that sets me alight,
leaving me yearning for the next moment that they meet mine.
and your hands roll over the hills on my skin,
creating a flat earth beneath your palms,
one you tread lightly across like it's new fallen snow.
and as the sun from your smile melts it all away,
you begin to plant flowers across the newly warmed earth,
gently allowing them to find their homes in places of safety.
they bloom quickly,
creating a trail of lavender & rose to the core of my being.
as time passes and the sunshine fades to moonlight
they thrive,
seeming to glow in the dark,
before beginning their unwanted wilt.
and as the snow falls again,
i will wait for the sun to shine bright
the next time your fire eyes meet mine.

he spoke his words like they cut his tongue and burned his heart.
his truth was found in the places that he avoided
and he could not face his mind when it would return from its forbidden forests.
stuck,
he was left to burst into shadows while his soul was consumed
by the evil of dead days.
spiraling words of hurt from mouths that he no longer kissed
caressed his ears from the grave.
he felt as if he was the lone portrait on a long stretch of white wall with no admirers to be seen.
alone,
as far as he could see.

Shove me down your throat
swallow me whole
so that I may escape
this carousel traveling at lightning speed.

just the other day my mother asked me why i don’t write Happy Things.
i couldn’t produced the words from my tongue to explain that happiness is a firefly hovering just out of reach,
how it sometimes dips
just low enough for my fingertips
to brush its wings
before it soars above my head once again.
i couldn’t figure out how to make her understand that most of my time is spent with my head surrounded by darkness, so that the “happy” moments only appear to be a grey light.
my brain functions at a baseline of a light drizzle and a slight chill spent alone,
where happy can't live because of the possibility of catching the sad.
she wouldn’t believe me when i said that i can’t write Happy Things because i need to drain them of their nectar while their light is still in front of me.
i cannot afford to write Happy Things because then i would never have the chance to experience them as close to fullness as I can.

happy doesn’t linger the way depression can.

words are caught in my chest.

trying to crawl their way out through my head.

but my mind refuses to let them break its walls down.

the strength behind the pain

that made me this way is enough to stand back

and watch my heart be buried alive.

underneath all the things left unsaid

it tries to beat its way through but the words cut deep

and the blood runs thick from its veins.

sat in my porcelain encased coffin,
my body floating among the bits of filth from those who have occupied this space before me.
mind blank as a freshly stretched canvas,
and thoughts come through the white noise like a splash of warm blood against the clean tile on the floor where my coffin lays.
the shock jolting my body out of its stupor only for a moment,
then returning to its dead weight.
each moment of time that passes without a disruption sends my limbs closer to rigor mortis.
and I’m drowning even though my lungs have a clear path for oxygen to travel.
my body rejecting any form of sustenance as I lay in the cooling water,
it just wants to make the process go quicker,
ready to surrender to my mind and its devious ways.
i let it happen.
i’m so tired of this,
this constant feeling of fear but not being able to bring myself to leave the filth i sit in.
and i’m scared of dying
but i’m scared of living in this place more.

she writes the things that come to her mind in the middle of the night in bursts of blobs of *******.
the words come spilling from her mouth and it reeks,
like a trash can left unattended for weeks.
she wakes the morning after and reads it back in hopes for a glimpse into her psyche,
but nada.
nothing.  
her brain is a chaotic something that even she cannot make sense of.
her pretty words do nothing to disguise the true mess that lies beneath the surface.
new flowers on an old grave,
the facade
doesn’t mask the decaying body underneath.
the beautiful colors of fall,
failing to disguise the scent of the rotting leaves on the road side.
pretty words from a pretty mouth
with no purpose or meaning.

when you think you love someone it's like a slow burn.

the flame travels down the wick
at a pace less than a snail.
It meanders,
stops to catch it’s breath and enjoy the view,

the full smiles and eyes lost with wonder.

sparks flying out as little spats make themselves known
and it travels closer to the bottom of the glass,
the wax is melting,

only a couple of inches left now.

and as the light gets closer and closer to going out
you scramble for anything to hold to
because you aren’t ready to lose this,

but its time.

and then the light is gone and you’re left in the dark.
the realization that love wasn’t what that was

but **** was it something good.

I leak when I don't know what to do or feel.

Laying on my side, the gates behind my eyes open
and a slow flood meanders through.
Exiting my tear ducts and making a pool on my right cheek.
I sit and I leak
like a broken faucet.

Only in silence
because though I'm weary,
I do not creak like an old broken sink.

My skin absorbs the empty tears
so quick that they cannot make their way onto my pillow case.
No trace of the lack of feeling that took place.

How pitiful is that?

A girl who leaks
because she doesn't know how to not be an old broken sink.

She is a tsunami,
A giant tidal wave of pure destruction.
At first glance you don’t see much,
for her long dark hair cloaks her face
and she dresses
almost as if she doubts her own existence.
Keeping to herself.
But if she looks up,
one look into her eyes of grey stormy weather,
and you see her whole twisted past.
She draws you in,
with whispers of a deep sadness
that begs to be relieved.
And you crave to hold this broken angel,
to wipe her tears,
and soften her sobs of agony.
But she knows who she is,
what she is.
So that when you get close,
you are pushed away.
No matter how hard you cling to her back.
She is destruction
and she fears destroying you
so she destroys herself.

gyrating hips
and blood red lips
****** thoughts
drift across,
seeping into the silk sheets
beneath her heat.
fire set alight
at the sight
of the small porcelain frame
draped in the skin of an angel
with the devil singing her name.
“nothing is good anymore
this i am sure”
she says,
counting petals that fall to the floor.
mischievous grin
locked on lips of sin,
and she can’t help the need
to bound forth and see,
naked glass
shattered from the days of past
with sand spilling pages
into unknown cages
opening eyes
to all the cherry red lies.
blood flowing over head and underneath
the infidelity that lives in his sheets,
lost kisses and broken hearts
left to be made into art.

i cannot create today.
or at any other hour
though i scour each and every day
searching
for that special moment
where my brain finally produces
an idea.
a thought.
a way to express the things that
I cannot,
will not
feel.
but time passes
and grasses cover the pages
where my skin used to bleed creation
and now there is nothing.
nothing but green,
or thats what its supposed to be.
and now my muted tones
have seeped into the very soul
of livelihood.
greens to grays
no more living for them.
i ****** them all dry with
my dire need to please
no more fancy lip work from me
only blank stares at a blank screen.
fingers poised in a dance with only air
because words come from mouths and only hurt,
or at least that's what i was taught.
not that you or i can ever make a difference.
words?
who for?

She climbed out of the window to her bedroom and into the cool night sky. Dressed in black ripped jeans and a dark colored hoodie, so she dissolves into the darkness.
A case of Corona in her hand, she jumps the few feet to the ground. Her knees bend to soften the harsh landing. She stands back up to her full height, though it isn’t that tall.
Her hood, covers her face so that she is a mystery.
The night time accepts her with open arms, understanding that she needs to be unknown for the time being to be her true self.
She stalks away from her ‘home’. Her sharp, rushed movements standing out against the white walls. Then she breaks off into a run, wanting to get away as fast as she can, not being able to stand being close any longer. She runs to her night time escape, laying down in the middle of the field underneath the leafless tree.
She looks up at the stars, wondering who each one was.
What kind of souls turn into stars when their time on earth is up?
She lets the hope that she is one of those souls slip into her mind just this time. But for only a moment, before pushing it away.
Her experience with hope has shown her that it only brings pain and heartbreak.
She reaches over to the 6-pack and takes a bottle out, sitting up. It settles into her hand like it has been destined to since it’s creation, comfortable between her fingers. She takes the bottle opener out of her left pocket and brings it to the lips of the bottle. The top pops off in one fluid motion, the practice she’s had making it as easy as breathing. She brings the rim to her chapped angry red lips, then tilts it up quickly, taking a short sweet sip of the poison ambrosia.
It tickles as it slides smoothly down her throat. She lets a small content sigh slip out and be taken away in the breeze. At home, that is how she feels sitting underneath that tree.
The stars are her shelter and the field is her bed, soft and welcoming, the tree, an old friend. Here she lets the tears run freely down her face. The salt water mixing with the bitter taste of alcohol.
She’s screaming, wailing.
Asking the universe why she hates herself so much, why they don’t want her. Why can’t he love her the way she loves him? Why can’t she already be dead? Maybe then he would realize just how much she meant to him, how much he meant to her.
As she lets this fire slip from her throat, she doesn’t notice the boy dressed in blue on the other side of the field. She doesn’t realize she isn’t alone until he is sitting next to her with one hand grasping hers.
She startles when his skin comes in contact with hers. Then she looks at him, his blue eyes, blue face, blue heart, blue soul, unsure if he can be let into her secret home. He sees her hesitate, so he brings her hand to his lips and whispers his secrets into her skin.
The tenseness in her shoulders is released and she squeezes his hand tightly. They are both on a mission to escape the lives they live.
Both have minds burdened with memories and bodies littered with scars. Running from the demons in their homes.
She reaches over to the cardboard keeper of sins and plucks another bottle from its grasp. She takes the opener and rips the top from the bottle’s lips, handing it to the Blue Boy.
He takes it with the hand not wrapped in hers and brings it to his lips quickly. Tilting it back, he downs the whole bottle. He sets the empty bottle back into the cardboard as its poison takes effect.
Then he’s stumbling to his feet and dragging her with him, towards the forest standing menacingly behind them.
She runs after him, feet not quite touching the ground and laughter hanging in their air. Engulfed in darkness under the canopy, they giggle and whisper secrets of death.
Without the stars to see by, they fall into a rabbit hole. Spiraling down to their private Wonderland, where there is no home for them and the Mad Hatter is their friend.
They can run through clouds and save each other from the demons under their beds.
Their bruises scream, convicting the guilty and their memories wail in relief from them.
But Alice couldn’t stay in her Wonderland, so neither can they. Waking from their dream, back underneath the tree, weeping at the loss of the make believe and forced to go back to reality, where their demons have them in a choke hold and the guilty hide behind atrocious lies.

My system has shut down
and I'm sorry I can't process
the conversation you are sending my way.
It seems your words
travel a one way street
getting lost among the tangled sheets
of my brain.
And I cannot dream
when my mind is always awake,
spinning and swirling all around,
peace will not be found.
my vision blurring
as I hurry
my breathing.
It feels as if time doesn't pass.
or maybe it goes too fast?
my stomach
tangled in knots
reflects the chaos of my thoughts.
"I'm alone
My eyes aren't working
I'm alone
Are my lungs giving out?
I'm alone
My stomach is trying to eat itself
I'm alone
Why won't my hands stop shaking?
I'm alone
Where's the air?
I'm alone
People hate me
I'm alone
Why isn't anyone helping?
I'm alone
I'm alone
I'm alone"
STOP.
Deep breaths,
Close your eyes,
Focus on the air coming through your nose,
all the way into your lungs and back out.
Your eyes are fine
You will be ok
Your hands will stop trembling
You will be ok
Just breathe

i was going to therapy
but all it did was make me angry
because thats what happens when you are depressed and filled with anxiety.

the feelings overwhelm the brain,
making it hard to make sense of anything,
as you get beat up in the metaphorical boxing ring.

taking swings left and right,
you can’t put up much of a fight
against the feelings of complete fright.

tired and hopeless,
you begin to give in,
pleading with your thoughts to just take the win.

today i spent all day in bed
caused by the thoughts in my head,
they swirled
and whirled
all about
pouring steadily from their spout,
the vicious words caressed my mind
making sure i'd give up in no time.

today i spent all day crying
because i cannot stop myself from dying,
the knife will cut me bone deep
as my sadness screams out in sweet release,
the deed will be done
and i will fade to no one.

today i spent all day flying
since i finally gave up on trying,
i let the blood spill from my veins
happily handing over the reigns
to death,
letting him lead me with my last breath.

today i had no way to spend the day.
finally free of my mind, decayed.

I don't trust myself or anybody else,
Lost in the thoughts that run
rings around my head.
Trying to keep up
as my brain slips into its comatose state.
No room left to feel
so my hearts begins to disappear.
Death is my friend,
welcoming with open arms and a sly grin.
He knows that I will slowly sink into his depths.
Lost beyond all hope,
as darkness eats me inside out
I cannot,
will not scream or shout,
for help
Or mercy.

broken homes
turned to houses.

feelings and memories,
buried underneath the deafening silence
of lost love.

no more warm fires
to keep hallways and rooms
full of happiness,
and free of heartache.

no more giggles echoing down halls
and bursting into the empty air of a room
to fill the void with joy.

no more angry shouts
that break the barriers of thin walls.

no more silent tears
that christen the carpeted floors.

nothing.

a home turned house.

wasted to the muted tones of a dead reminiscence.

strong hands and soft green eyes,
i could get lost in the corners of his mind.
he has soft brown locks
that were made for my fingers to comb through
and without him this life would be so very blue.
i was made for him and he for me.
our lives were made to intertwine
like two branches on a tree.

but we’ve met a fork in the road,
so to speak,
and now our love might have reached its peak.
I don’t want to lose,
so which path should we choose?
end it now?
and maybe somewhere down the road we could begin again?
or keep dragging it out?
so that we won’t be able to stand each other by the time we burnout?

I

am

blocked.

I

have

lost

the

fire

in

my

soul,

only

embers

left.

burning

orange

as

they

slowly

disappear.

and

I

do not

know

when

the

air

will

return

to

my

lungs

so

that

I

may

burn

brilliantly

again,

spitting

words

into

the

wind

and

finally

feeling

myself

once

more.

Upon their quivering wings,* (Fairy-Land by Edgar Allen Poe)

*small hands grasping too big stems.

little laughter carried on the wind

to beckon you inside.

tall trees fall in, collapsing.

trapped underneath the layers of sea foam green.

breathing in sun dropped laughter,

blindly stumbling through a lilac haze of unsureness.

left to the elements

and lost to the darkness of day time.

jabs left and right prevent the chance,

of wandering in the right direction.

flashes of blue wings and lithe bodies

in front of you,

just out of reach.

and their laughter is drowning you,

slipping into a sleep of the undead but not quite living.

fighting the drowsiness with the only source of strength left,

golden sun slipping through the cracks.

surfacing from the depths of insanity,

their laughter tumbling from your lungs,

able to breath again.

Maybe she wanted to die with white flowers,
clutched in her hands as the world stopped..
Lost in the field of broken glass,
she had his world in her grasp.
tossing and turning,
so she sparkled with deadly glass spikes,
coated in a syrupy red.
the flowers still pristine white
and her mind lost among the lights.
his tears chased her far away,
to the end of the earth where she stayed.
Teetering between
death and life.
he wanted to end her strife.
so he gave her the flowers
to take her away
to a place where she could be safe.
but she fell off the edge
into the sea of glass,
with those white flowers clasped in her tight grasp.

Walking into that building, I shouldn’t be feeling this way.

It contains the things that push my demons to screaming.

I shrink into my shell when I should be thriving,
but the people that are supposed to lift me up, just put me down.

All the tests and the stress that is caused,
are not worth the scratches on my arms.

and I can’t wait to leave this place that I’m in
because if I don’t focus on that,
I won’t make it to the end.  

And the peers that are supposed to be my friends,
can’t see past the fake smiles that crack my face in two,
as they joke about death,
when it’s not ever funny
because it’s always on my mind from my demons getting through.

And my insanity has the wheel,
as I careen through my life,
inadequate as a butter knife to diamonds.

and I can’t stand it here anymore,
I think it’s time I shut the door,
leave no trace behind
to disappear into the night.

High off the feeling of always being alone,
and I can’t wait to escape this throne-oriented arctic zone.

There are millions like me.

who can’t think about that place without shivers running down their spines,
and you need to save them from the confines of their minds.

because their demons will **** them,
if they aren’t silenced.

and you can’t just leave them to fight society.

because they are the ones that live in a fantasy,
sleeping with silent tear stained faces.

don’t let them dissolve like empty embraces.

Walking into that building, we shouldn’t ever feel that way.

We lie in the dark,
on the sidelines of existence.
watching and waiting
for the day the fire can leap from our throats
and scorch them all.

But for now,
we observe and listen.
silent in the shadows,
we see them,
spitting sparks of words that sting each other.
unknowingly sealing their fates.

And when the day comes,
we, the silent ones,
will creep out of the dark.
our fire will singe them to the ground.
realization in their eyes,
that their sparks
ignited a fire that burned them in the end.

Drops hit the shelter above my head,
And the noise drowns out the thoughts,
the ones of a savage sadness.

The water keeps my tears at bay,
like the sky can cry away my pain.

And the thunder is loud enough to erase bad memories
and keep my anger hidden.

I lay down in an empty bed,
eyes closing as Mother Nature sings
a melancholy lullaby.

And with my last gasping breath
I release the words that will make her soar,
“You are beautiful, my dear.”

every day i’m sleeping more
and waking up less.
and the thoughts spinning in my head
are keeping me dreaming,
the dreams of days forgotten
and nights where monsters are lurking.
I can’t see past the dark
that surrounds my head in the night.
it lulls me into its false comforts,
promising the release of bad memories
and the sweet syrup from my veins.

I lay on a bed of asphalt.
People walk over me
as if I’m not there,
like I’m not important.

And I suppose I’m not
I’m just a thing for them
to tread on,
they don’t need to acknowledge me.
I am invisible.

And I suppose I don’t mind.
if I’m invisible,
no one can care for me,
and I can’t care for them,
only to disappoint them
and break my own broken heart.

I’m alone,
and it’s meant to be that way.
I’m bad news,
so I’ve been buried away,
I can’t hurt them anymore.
But I’m slowly killing myself,
let’s get this over with quicker.
Help me,
I deserve this.

hands intertwined on the street
and feet in perfect sync.
locked in their own
bubbles of love.
unaware of the world
rotting underneath their feet.
heads so far up their *****
that they can't see, as time passes
their bones are appearing
under stretched skin.
because love makes you sick
and nothing lasts.
so when they are left
their hearts burst forth
from empty chests.
Death.
but I know all this,
so I'll tell you once

*Turn a blind eye to lovers
because in this lifetime
there isn't happily ever after.

skin tight shirt
no pants
and a pair of knee high socks.
lost in the folds
of this empty bed.
she is a lover
a fighter
and your worst friend.
she’ll drag you in
with the curves of her body
and soft smiles
that promise to give you everything.
then,
she’ll drain you
of your soul,
your energy.
she feeds
on the passion of
the young and reckless.

watch where you step
you don’t want to be caught
in her trap.
i’m only giving you a fair warning,
she knows where you hide
and she can ****** you in the blink of an eye.
oh darling,
don’t try to escape
I’ve already got you locked in
with these words of a carnal sacrifice.

Nobody cares

and I wish to be dead

I cannot fall asleep.

The monsters in my head,
won't stop screaming.

They scream for
sweet release.

The feeling of cool sharp metal
against my warm wrist.

The dark red color of my blood.

I yell and scream for them to stop.

But they do not listen.

I comfort them in the only way I can,
without breaking the promise I made.

I imagine slitting my wrists,
the dark, dark red slipping from them.
Then laying down on the cold tile,
and drifting away.
Never waking.

I weep as they smile,
finally at peace.

I made a promise I intended to keep,
but I don't think I can any longer.

As they sleep,

I slip off into the dark
to find that silver blade
and cut my skin.

They're winning.

I'm stuck

walking towards something that you don't believe in,
seeking the non-existent possibility.

Love.

You say that I'm beautiful
that you want every last part of me.

But if that is true,
why am I left out in the dark calling your name?

You've abandoned me,
to suffer a perpetual existence
between being happy in love
or
left to live without it.

You know I won't leave you,
so you put me on your shelf
to be taken out on your rainy days,
because,
to you,
my love is simply a toy to play with.

Those rainy days are my best,
being played with and getting your attention
makes me soar.

It gives me hope that maybe,
someday,
I won't be put back on the shelf.
That my love will be enough for you.

And until that day,
or the day I break,
I will sit happily on your shelf,
collecting dust

Waiting for my love to be returned by you in it's fullest.
My one and only.

I am hopeless.

stuck.

between love and lust.

And you

are the object of my desires.

sadness, my dear

I cry these tears

only for you.

Our bodies

intertwined

in a dance of sin.

Your words

entice me

as the drugs

and alcohol

begin to kick in.

My mind

is your playground.

My body,

is yours to break down.

I am falling

but you

are always there to catch me.

My legs
can't lift the weight of my body
for there are ropes
wrapped around my feet
holding them to the ground,
trying to pull them down deep.

And my shoulders
hang low
because the weight upon my head
and my chest
keeps me closer to the ground
where hell is found.

And my eyes
are sinking in
because of the weights placed in their sockets
to keep any smiles from popping
onto my lips.

I'm trying to survive my own apocalypse
but every day
more weight is added.
to my head,
my chest,
my eyes.
And I'm afraid it will be my demise.

Getting closer and closer
to the ground,
I'll be in hell now,
or maybe somewhere in between.

I try to turn up the noise of my headphones

even when they have no music.

Because even the deafening silence

is better than the screams

that come from my demons within.

and my veins itch

so I wish to take a knife to my skin

and cut down deep

to soothe their incessant worrying.

Grey eyes
Gray hair
Lost in her hopeless sea of despair.

Floating from day to day
like smoke
leaving from the lit cigarette
upon her lips.

Grey sweater
Gray shoes
She has no friend that isn't a bottle of *****.

Night to night
she sees no light.
Lost in the fog
that covers her eyes.

Grey face
Gray hands
left to the dirt in no man's land.

year after year
she gets closer to their fear
of becoming the grim reaper's dear.

Grey heart
Gray soul
she's spiraling out of control.

Jumping off cliffs
and biting their chapped lips
she's on the road to her death.