A conversation**

I want to safety pin
your broken parts on mine
and make a mosaic,
Oh baby, it's only a
matter of time.

You're my captor,
no need to ask;
You have my heart.
Him say  "Do you love me?"
I say "Is the sky blue?"
Baby I suffer chronic
stockholm syndrome
whenever I'm with you.

I might have left it too late,
too late to notice that
you occupy my heart and
without you, it'd be empty,
devoid of love,
but distancing myself from you
sounds like drowning myself
in blacker shades of blue.

And you're still living,
and you're still breathing,
and this don't sound
like the me I knew,
but then again, maybe
the me from nowadays is new,
the me from today and yesterday
will be dying tomorrow day,
but tomorrow day,
will you still hold me tight?

Oh the fear of being alone
plagues my head,
the fear of losing you
has become my shadow,
following me everywhere,
even into the dark
where shade is not
meant to be found,
my bedroom light feels like
the light of a thousand suns,
it burns my face.

God, how could i fall in so deep?
God, I cannot even speak,
God, I wish for eternal sleep,
what I seek keeps escaping me
in such cruel ways,

Baby I'm in a trance,
and my feet know
only your dance;
Please wait patiently for me
to snap out of it.

Oh I must say
I was so very bold today,
when your mouth lingered longer
and I let it stay,
tasting you in and out
without more than a single thought,
if you're the kidnapper,
I must say,
I'm glad i was caught.

I'm a kid at the candy store,
let me eat you out
until you're the only thing
I can taste in my mouth,

Oh I must say,
I was crumbling today,
now you tell me
you don't know if
you can stay?
Oh it feels like
you're gone already,
And I've got sorrow
that's too heavy to carry.

You are all as loud as
a vaccum cleaner,
The living room's a refrigerator
and my room's a heater.

And he,
He is my safety zone,
a smell of his cologne
and I know I'm not alone,
I cannot name the feeling in a rhyme,
I guess it feels like erasing bad times.

Why'd you decide to get
annoying and inquisitive
when I'm high on love?
Why'd you push my buttons
when I'm on a high, love?

When I'm sporting that
love drunk smile,
just leave me alone for a while,
it takes time for an
overdose to sink in,
meanwhile, just trust that
I'm living from within.

I forgot to say my goodbyes,
when my love for you
washed out your lies,

              Excuse me now,
              I'm somebody else.

You're screaming on the floor,
But I'm not knocking
on your door,

              I don't know what you're here for,
               unless to beg for forgiveness
               on all fours.

And still, I'd say no,
and still, I'd
walk away,

               Because "sorry" is
                the worst lie you could say.

My send-off,
the most savage
you'll find,

              *Because "*******"
                is too kind.

I was drowning,
I was drowning,
but saved by thoughts of you,

Arms wrapped tight
arms with your mark,
with the bruise where your arms
lingered to hug away my wounds,

And I notice
how you keep me together
when seasons don't
match the weather;
it's spring and yet I
don't know what blooms in me.

I'll think twice
before i sacrifice my breath,
you've taught me flowers
can bloom out of the nicotine
in my lungs, infact;
the darkness can even be **the soil.

Goodnight, sleep tight
Please don't lose your mind,
Take this second
with me and just breathe,
feel free for a minute,

I love you more
than the meds you take,
I love you more
than the screams my mind makes,
I love you even when
my voice shakes;

Oh I want to lose myself
in your endless sea,
I want to let you see
how much you mean to me,
how your touch,
how your kiss
brings me bliss;

How you rock me to my core
where others have not been too kind,
How in my mind
I find a place to drown,
but in you ,
I find the shore.

I don't want that sinking feeling,
I don't want to fall apart,
but I'm ready, I guess
for this ride; I've
buckled up my heart.

Mind-cuffed, yet I
thought of you
and your one-sided-ness,
don't you know
for love you need conversation and
conversations work in two?

I will throw you shade
so you can burn,
we won't die from all
their camera-eyes;
I never fell in love with and
in the moment;
I fell inlove in the exact hour
my smile turned sour
because of you.

My blood's gone blue,
and my hair might be wild,
but you're still dealing
with an inexperienced child;

I wasn't told a soul
could become so cold,
you have a beautiful face
but nothing as nice to say,
and I have a mouth that screams
"I love you" in **bold.

In this dangerous situation,
I don't want you to be an enemy,
But I can't hide my opposition
to how you deal my heart
your blasphemy;
I am quiet, but I care,
I am quiet, but I bleed
when hit by your darts,
So convince me blood is art,
as I fall into your snare,
I see you have it in you
to split me apart,
but I have it in me
*to forget you by heart.

A car, a person, a dirt street, the beach.
A loading journey,
Simple, unmeant goodbye.
Not sad to go away,
Relieved to not stay.
Need more space,
Need more space,
Some time away from reality,
Utopia, I'm a fool for you,
and I'm no match for
this mangled world.

I swear
my bones have frozen
without you,
40 degree summer could arrive now,
and I'd still be the
equivalent of a snowman;

A mortal needing
another fleeting mortal;
What a beautiful and dangerous
combination...

The less time I spend with you,
the less I'll need to heal,
but the less time I am with you,
the more frost I lick off of my fingers,
the more frostbite attacks my lips,
the more my core is numbed...

I need to feel you,
You know I've missed you,
I need to feel you because
dangerously, you're becoming
a part of me, a delicate one at that.

I always told my teacher
you needed to be
shoved off a cliff
and only then would you
learn how to swim,
and darling,
for you, I'd eat patience
for breakfast, lunch and dinner;
I'd eat patience until my scale broke...
and it has.

The scale of my heart
is on edge,
it is crackling,
it is ruining,
it is bleeding to death.

I'm scared to insist
and I'm scared to admit
that I am tired of giving you
swimming lessons...
But then again,
if I don't teach you how
to float, one of us will sink...

I understand my patience
cannot be immortal,
but surely, your shyness
won't be either,
surely nothing is immortal,
surely we still have a chance...

It is my understanding that
by teaching you how to swim,
by being your anchor,
I will sink...you don't care if I do.
Fine.
Sink with me.

And maybe then I will learn
to not miss you so much,
so much that I can barely
pick up a pen to shoot bullets
of which damage you will never feel
because I will love you too much
to let them pierce and **** you;
but I am not made of steel.

If I wrote you a letter,
would you read it?
Would you see how
my love for you has scattered?
For I can only write you
my hateful letters,
where a single word
screams in abuse,
and maybe it might strike
your heart in a way
that makes you want to die...

If I wrote you a letter,
would you surrender,
and scream in submission,
bow down in admission?
If I wrote you a letter,
would you mistake
a knife for an eraser?
Because I did,
and you never wrote me a syllable...

I will not prove you right,
I am not in need of you.
You inspire me
like a gone mind
inspires a gun;

Now I'm grown,
Now my skin's thicker;
I will not dig my own grave
because you chose to pull the trigger.
So, if I wrote you a letter,
you still wouldn't matter
to me.

Bipolar me,
and bipolar weather,
A playground in my mind
with a mood swing set,
and a slippery slide,

Happiness - a game of roulette,
what's holding me together
is being untied,
I'm coming undone on my own,
say you're there yet
my walls feel alone,

Say you care but
you sure don't show it,
If you care I
sure don't know it.

Do you know how crazy
it's driven me?
All these possibilities,
and could be's,

I bleed and I bleed,
no bandage,
I strive, I survive,
All I feel is damage.

Don't get too close to me,
I might be unkind, savage,
Don't leave me alone,
or there'll be nothing of me
left to salvage.

It hurts to stay,
but it hurts to leave,
and on paper,
the words find me,
the words that maybe
could put a name to
whatever we are,
because it is not "just friends"

We poke each other
too much to be "just friends",
your bag held my jacket
too long to be "just friends",
your hands stroked my hair
two times more than "just friends"

And whenever you say
"It's okay,"
my mind listens
because at that moment
when a wish and love
are in a perfect paste,
my mind feels okay...

So tell me why now,
whenever I speak your name,
my tongue burns,
oh tell me
when will you learn
that people are not games,
that if you keep pressing
the reset button,
a person might just vanish away...

You make me feel
like the most beautiful flower,
because it's always me
you pluck from the dirt,
it's always you that
trims away all my hurt...

But in your hands, I die
I've died a million times,
And I can't find
a drop of you in this ocean,
am I swimming on my own?
We're both sailors at sea,
but you're steering
this ship terribly,
I do not ship the
situation we're in,

How can love be fun,
when we're both conflicted,
our words restricted,
over-addicted to overthinking,
overtwisting every little thing,
until I am not sure
if I love you,
and you're not sure
if you want me...

But take it easy,
it's not like I'm in despair,
break me;
force a scalpel into my heart,
there's nothing of my own
that I haven't repaired,

I'm caught between
wanting to strip you
of your breath, and
wanting to keep you alive,
even if it'd result in my death.

Would you use this scalpel
as I'd tell you to?
Would you dig a hole
in my veins?

In this instance, right away, now
please, get this disease out of me,
you will hear no sirens,
you'll only see the tears running.

In this instance, right away, now
please, understand that the hands
of my mind have turned violent.
They shake me up and bend me
until saliva meets bone
and all I've eaten for dinner today
is "fresh air",
smells of petrichor,
oh how can my mind not adore
temporary starvation?

Please!
Realise I do not want this,
I do not want to die...
But the doubts and fears
in my head continously multiply.

Desperation meets bone,
my current body is no home,
not like any "home" I've known,
and I wish I could "move out"
but I'm stuck in this skin...
please plant some seeds into me..

And then...
Use this scalpel
as I tell you to,
confiscate my blade,
make me stay,

And then I will remain.





Being love drunk... the feeling of you losing control, shaking and more shaking.
Losing all control, being aware of it, and begging for more. Smiling...but not just any smile..those goofy smiles they write about in novels.
Being love drunk...if things go your way, it would be purgatory, cleansing you from all those that had burne dyou before, cleansing way your scars without the salt but with the sky's stars. Your eyes will sparkle and you'll want to skip testing the waters with one foot - you'll want to dive, even if the consequence is death - at least you'll die happy.
If things don't go your way, your roses will still bloom, but you'll need to trim away the weeds, one tear at a time. One run by the ocean at a time.
One skip of "our song" at a time.

I am living, fighting,
some even say I am surviving,
but inside I'm dying,
inside it smells of death.

Where are my flowers?
Thorns now burst,
I've lost count of the hours
spent crying, wishing for death
and being teased endlessly by it,
only to be told death
had no room for me.

I've thought about scissors
in non-artistic ways,
I've discovered that paper is
not the only thing you can cut,
I've tried teaching my lungs to breathe
Father, they give up on me
and every breath stings,
But you specialize in rebirth,
so hand me a pair of new wings.

I'm tired of fighting,
I'm tired of this war,
I'm tired of wondering what
I am here for,
I'm tired of existing this way,
I'm tired of these chains
I wear everyday.

If I am a free temple,
then why do I feel encaged?
Encaged in my own mind
where light you won't find,
locked behind bars,
wishing on stars,
begging scars to disappear,
hoping nobody witnesses my tears.

I am just a human,
and today, I am emotionless,
today there is no love
residing in my bones
is a gap

The gap between
love drunk and sober,
The gap between
I thought there was an us
and it's over,
The gap between
I love you and I hate you,

I want to remember,
now I want to forget,
now I regret all
the little moments I
wasted on you,
all the little moments I
could have used up
loving myself a little more,
doubting myself ,
killing myself a little less,
more time taken out
to untangle my messy head;

You will regret this,
there is a limit to
how much I yearn,
there is a limit to
how much I burn,
once I say goodbye,
I won't return, so
darling, I'd be concerned.

My mouth's a myth magician,
but my eyes can't tell lies,
lie to me and tell me you
believe me when I tell you
I am fine...

What am I supposed to tell you,
what am I supposed to say?
On the positive side,
I didn't ache the same way,
but on the negative,
I'm sure I've lost you again,
meaning that you losing me
could be the beginning of you
finding your meaning
without me there;

Okay, Friend?
You may not gamble
with my feelings,
you may not place a bet
on my love because
I bet my love will go extinct
if you do not water me.

I don't want to be your playdate,
I don't want you
to ruin my mixtape,
I want to keep my engine running,
and my body fueled,
my stomach can do
without the abuse

Because it has confused
you for food and I can't eat,
without thinking that I've
mistaken you for a flower,
and am now chewing
on the thorns,

I don't want to be your friend,
I want to poke you inside and out,
I want to cause goosebumps
to crawl all over your skin,
and I don't ever want to
breathe you out, I want
to breathe you in,
right now, is that a sin?

"There are other fish in the sea"
but my fishing line
goes straight through,
never picking left or right,
there are no other fish in sight...

So I'll keep swimming,
I'll leave you behind on the shore,
and there you'll be safe,
and faraway, I'll be okay.
Okay, Friend?

I am not a piece of cake,
I am a piece of war,
make up your mind;
I want to know if you
are worth fighting for.

Own the right razor blade,
and shave away our mental sanity,
so that we earn a piece of paper;
Now we are worthy.

Clutch my heart strings,
say you are willing to stay,
pluck away your shyness,
I'll discard my dramatic;
I guess right now,
the less time we're together,
the less we'll need to heal...
Then maybe when all this
turns into dust,
it won't sting as much.

We all have our secret hideaways, we all have our cures, and our bandage solutions, and we all have addictions.

You will eat to fill the hollow kindly provided by someone who's left you lying in bed at night, wondering why you weren't good enough, or maybe even just enough, to make them stay.

We all carry earbuds...more like soulbuds. Hello music, goodbye world, goodbye sorrow. We all break down, no matter how hard we hide it, no matter how well we can disguise it...eyes can't lie, but they sure can act.

And we all try to bandage our wounds, though we're the worst doctors. I puke smiles, you puke smiles, we ALL puke smiles...

but no one's meant them for a while.

The weapon you have,
symmetrical, is your face
a conversation passport,
a neon sign,
"Do not begin your speech,
go away,  leave me alone"

But the last thing you want,
and quite frankly,
the last thing you need
is to be by yourself,
where your mind can help you
to slice your pulsing wrists
into a hundred pieces,
and suddenly,
you're a bleeding mosaic,
but at least you look
happy and beautiful.

You puke smiles,
and they light up your face,
but if somebody were to stop you,
take you aside and say,
"I know you're not okay" ,
would you beg for a piece of space,
or would you let them stay?

You puke smiles,
so no one sees your petals fall,
no crutches to hold you up,
so by yourself, you make them believe
you can manage standing tall.

I'm an expert of this artifice,
A trickery, a disguise,
to let this mask remain
is a mental sacrifice.

I hide away every flaw,
taint my face with happiness,
it is a ruse
I over use, over abuse,
a bloodstream curse.

And so I keep them coming,
like my sanity isn't running,
I keep them there, under my nose,
won't let no one glimpse my woes

I puke smiles
but are they real?
I puke smiles
but is smiley how I feel?
Nobody willing to investigate,

I puke smiles
just to conceal,
I puke smiles;
they're your "happy" meal
and they're never up for debate.

Buried beneath bruises
and seas bluer than blue,
skies blacker than black,
and souls crueler than cruel,
I search for myself
in a world of copy and paste.

Have you ever felt so dead
you started hating the grave?
Have you ever felt so dead
all you wanted to do,
all you wanted to be
"when you grew up"
was happy and alive?

I know my identity
and who I aspire to,
I'm just an amateur
in a sea of "professionals"
I don't aspire to be
a clone of a "star" ,
I'll determine whether
I've gone far.

Do you know my scars?
Have you seen the
blood in my mind?
Someday you'll be grateful
I was kept alive.

I'll slip, I'll fall,
don't voice your opinion
thankyou,
failure is just a bruise,
not a tattoo
and clearly we share
different views on success
and making dreams come true..

Tell me just one thing;
Have you mastered life,
or has life mastered you?

I have tasted hearts
that have had
the same effect as
getting drunk on chloroform,

I have shaken hands
which promised to feed me,
but ended up choking me instead,

And
I have had to
contain myself
all those times no one
realised that I wasn't "just
tired" and that if I WAS tired,
sleep would not fix it anyway,
sleep was foreign to me anyway,
sleep consisted of nightmares
that I couldn't run away from,

Because you can't run away
from breathing;
But I'm here now,
And I'm glad.

- Crimsyy♡