I understand the feeling of nothing
I understand that the oceans are homes to millions of aquatic life
I understand that when a baby is born, a new life is given into this world
I understand the theory of observation states how we look at things, changes what they are
I understand god loves us
I understand we can live again, over and over every time we die
I understand the love we can receive
I understand lives can be saved
I understand people can be united for a common cause
I understand your will can go on, through the memories of others
I understand life is a gift
I don't understand whether there is meaning in any of these things
Is this poem meaningful?

Disfigured beyond recognition.
Aloft you will see ready to fall.
On my path I once had walked.
High above on another plain.
Never to come to come back again.
Sorrow and loss are my guides.
For you will leave me in your stride.
I am nothing but the hate that makes me.
No love will be there to take me.
Better left dead and I'll be alone.
Too ****** and twisted to ever atone.
No longer do I have a choice.
There is no pain or remorse.
My words are scribed and no one can save me.
I'll always be this way.
Nothing can change what I feel this day.
I am betrayed,
Broken,
Disfigured beyond all recognition.

For every person there is damage.
Damage caused.
Damage seen.
The damaged live and the damaged die.
The damaged save and the damaged hurt.
The damaged forgive and the damaged condemn.

For every damaged person there is a condemned.
Condemned, they are so the damaged can move past them!
"I condemn those on the street so I may walk by".
"I condemn those in their adultery so I might save them."
"I condemn those that hurt me and made me condemn."
"I condemn myself for ever condemning."

So what are we? Surrounded by the ******.
For everyone who bares witness to those who affect them.
Who damage them.
And those who condemn themselves for damaging.

All are guilty.
And with that, chaos.
To fight the ocean of the condemned is as simple as condemning.
Only through condemning can we ever forgive.

Only through forgiving ourselves can we hurt again.
Only through forgiving ourselves can we save our soul.
Which one will you choose.
I'm still on the fence.

If I ever were to describe myself, I would be despondent.
Never happy when alone.
When with others, I would be absorbed into their feelings.
But really, my feelings couldn't be faced.

If I ever could depict my past, The painting would be bland.
A lone grey figure struck against a white wall.
The child without love nor maternal instinct.
Paying for survival with absolute compliance.

If I ever told you what I was thinking right now, I'd be lying.
Surrounded by a thousand paper target in a warehouse.
Suffering through your interrogation.
And you dare call it conversation.

I remember shouting at myself.
Decreeing my own hell.
Whispering in that sullen terrifying voice.
"You are the epitome of nothing, unable to love or be loved."

In truth, I was loved.
I was loved and cared for.
My love, was conditional, it was always paid for.
And for that payment I will never love back.

If I ever wrote you a poem, disregard it.
My words are better off in the sea.
Closing the book on my heart.
You, who loved me.
I, who needed you.

I was an abusive *** who betrayed you.
So you put me out of your mind like a bad trauma.

A few months of love.
Could not make up for years of intolerance.

Two taken three with one left behind.
But behind was were learning and understanding abide.
Lost in the fur and silky escape.
I lied like a beast and frowned upon hate.

But deep in my heart it exists like a thistle.
Ready to stab and **** with a whistle.
He hastened to three and then four five and six.
He's a crafty one, I love him like thiiiiiiiiiiis much :3

Attune, attune the piano had played.
His first crush, his first love resounding of farewell bade.
How could he do it, lie like a ******.
At first he pretended it was just a typo.

Lust became love
became understanding
became cunning.
From that cunning I was born, knight in white shining.

This process demoralized and impaled him on a spike.
The sociopath was here, and boy was he excited.
More love, more ***, more destruction and death.
Noone will be spared from the pain I'll inflict.

I'm a cure to your idiocy
No way are you this stupid!
I can't cure you even with cupid
So farewell and find another person whos stupid
Live stupidly ever after.
Calling my name.
I'm the greatest you'll remember.
I'm a hateful scoundrel that plays in ****** mud.

A calm. A feeling unlike others. A goddess in white. Slit wrists, slit arms, slit thighs. But can you read me?
"Yes."
The impact and embarressment Oh my! I never thought I'd meet me here!
But can you clamber in me with my shell?
"Yes."
That's when I when I became flustered.
I lie, I cheat, I steal, I hurt. I break into hearts and rip out the girth.
Why are you here.
Why am I here.
The two are connected, lets find out how.

Two became two then two became one.
Death at his doorstep and me in the cage.
Solemn and waiting and believing as a sage.
Waiting. Waiting. Doubting. Hating. I revert, I go back on reverting.
I revert over and over and back again. Just what am I?

I'm nothing.
I'm nothing without another. So 8 months pass.. and so comes another. Another liar
Another fighter
Another lover
Another.

I fake. I hurt. I steal. I ****.
And with that, My life summed up.
So recent.. It happened. A new reason to live. I only wish I could tear out my memories. I only wish those two dead people would be happy. I wish I had never been conceived out of pain. I am a tool to deal with this, a broken dismembered tool. They shouldn't be like me, I'm a one hit wonder. A lovestruck sociopath.

In a world of adults
Happiness is not always good
Sadness is almost never bad
Love is all in.

In a world of adults
My drawings are stories waiting to be animated
My songs are for money
Enjoyment is king to a happy life

In a world of adults
The heart is most important
Mind your head or be struck down
Your soul is above all

In a world of adults
What people say about you doesn't matter
Until it makes you feel uncomfortable
So speak back! Or you're at fault.

In a world of adults
The past will never leave you.
The future will grow dim.
And most people are morons

In a world of adults
You will know friendship when it happens.
It is natural.
Unless you struggle to express yourself. Then give up.

In a world of adults
The rules are absolute
You should have always known
But people left you and now you know

In a world of adults
Progress is stunted
Kids are raised without being told the truth
And they are blamed for it


I am at fault for my ignorance
In this world of adults
I wish to have never been born
I wish to have never been seen

In my world, I am its only inhabitant.
Bearing the wisdom of an adult, only to be wasted.
Tossed about like dust in the wind.
Filed away like notes on an ex.

The willingness to speak objective truths!
Born out of the prejudice in experience.
He is no god, but a man who speaks to you.
The people, who are proud to be Americans.

He is our ruler, in Trump we trust.
The abused, the lied to and put in harms way.
The dead homosexuals and Christians.
The ministry of truth, the CNN.
The white lynching at the protests.
And the weak Clintonites are abandoning ship!

Had she won, we would stay and endure.
They run, we stayed under Obama.
The dead are finally leaving.
Lets see if Trudeau can treat them better.

He is hard spoken, harsh and a man of the people.
Build the wall! More like fix the wall.
Deport the illegals, they are not Americans.
Stop the muslims who are killing my people.

This is not out of hate, but love. My love for truth and happiness.
Maybe now we can have a country that values both.
Not a lying ***** who silences **** victims.
Oh, give me strength!
Strength! To save our childrens schools!
Strength! To save our children from hate!
Love! to bring love, not resentment for humanity!
O, give me truth. The truth that humanity is not horrible.
That my whiteness is not a feature to describe me.
That my heterosexuality is not a privilege.
That I find my own life, not the lives of the pacific.

Give us, to trust our country to a man who has raised successful children.
Let him be our role model, not that which seeks to lecture me on sexism.

God political poems are trash. Just like your hatred. Let it go, only admonish the actions.
It's current year.
**** Obama for campaigning for his replacement.

Break into the hallway.
See you on the stairs.
The stillness of the air.
No beauty could compare.
To the miserable girl.
Sitting there.
Her heart is down and she's already unable to repair.
What she's done to herself.
Its piece of work.

Like the harsh, harsh day and the daily grind.
It's not hard to say, lets not talk of that tonight.
I'm not here to say that you're a **** inclined.
To tell me where you were, but you're smoking here tonight.

Hard to say.
Where we went so wrong.
Hard to say.
There's nowhere to run.
But its easy to bring.
An empty plate.
And too easy to find.
An empty ******* buffet.

And we're so abscond. We're so, **** unkind.
There's no harbor here, because we're sailing blind.
If you, want to say that you're hurt inside.
I'll bring you the drinks and we'll drink to that, goodbye.

So see me here in my heavy plight.
It's gone bleak real fast, its gotten a mighty trite.
I'm not here today.
I'm here tonight.
you're still sitting here, on the stairs.
I see you there.
Heart in your hand.
Blood in your hair.
Cabinets closed.
Head on a rope.
I'm not to blame.
I had no hope.

So say, now goodbye there's no need to cry.
We were doomed from when we had tried to start.
And if you, come back home I will bring you my heart and,
We will drink to our safe and sound, night time and goodbye.

Our house is gone.
We cannot stand.
We will not beg.
We will not brag.
Love is a rough.
Life is a bare.
I'll join you soon.
Here on the stair.

I had faith in your shame.
I had faith that you would not come back.
At the very least, when you broke my heart forever.
I believed that not love, but shame would keep you from returning.

I had faith in your violence.
I had faith that you could not apologize.
At the very least, when you hurled your abuse at my fragile ego.
I believed that not love, but the violence of your judgment would keep you from returning.

I had faith in your love.
I had faith that you would not ever confront me.
At the very least, when you choose him over me.
I believed not in your courage, but your love for him that would keep you from returning.

I had faith in your pain.
I had faith that you would try to talk to me.
At the very least, when I destroyed your heart for another.
I believed not in your pride, but the pain you continue to feel would scare you away from me forever.

I had faith in your fear.
I had faith that you would erase every trace of your existence.
At the very least, when you saw my months of mental anguish at your absence in those letters.
I believed not in your good judgment, but your fear of my "instability" that would close the book on you forever.

I had faith in your cheating.
I had faith that you would absolve yourself of all responsibility.
At the very least, when you eloped with your husband.
I believed not in your vows to each other, but avoiding a difficult conversation with me would let you be silent forever.

I had faith in your respect.
I had faith that you would believe in me to find someone better?
At the very least, when I told you we shouldn't be together.
I believed not in your tears, but your belief that I would do better would keep you from ever speaking another word.

I had faith in your insecurity.
I had faith that when you found out it was your fault, that was it.
At the very least, when you cried and cried after it was all over.
I believed that you felt you had to go. Knowing, that you could never return to what we had. After you broke it.

I have faith in my letters.
I have faith that you will never talk to me again.
At the very least, when you saw them you did not stir from your place far away from me.
I believed that my words would rouse the truth of why you left. Your silence only confirms that my faith was well placed.

I pull at this rope ladder, adjoining these cliffs.
Umbridge with my crawl to the other side.
Myopic days spin the wheel, sputtering in fits.
Arms and legs of a forgotten bride.

Feathers of a bird flutter to the bouquet.
Jumping at the opportunity of a happy lucky life.
Dwellings shroud the ghetto in dismay.
And you went home without me, to your side.

Feels good to get it all out.
That without you, I feel a broken man.
Tallow and sloth from me you are without.
Your impression of me a ghost, a memory and as well, a brand.

Frontward we walk at the same goal.
But without eyes there is no love I could know.
My very depth, my heart beckons your soul.
And yours deaf, as its silence tells me to go.

Like petals falling on the ocean.
My thoughts of you still linger on.
They fight, they coil and in motion.
Rest in the words of this psalm.

The sky drew open grazing curtains of light.
Marching across the hills with new mornings rush.
Albert awoke darkly from the dreams of his night.
And sighed for his laments now lost in the brush.

Albert made way for time to move on.
He had reached the age of eight and bore a fine skew.
made life with his friend Liz and so on,
To live so secluded in this strange world anew.

"I'm up Liz. Do you have food I could eat?"
Albert asked with a polite sense not too cool nor too hot.
"I'll prepare it now, Driyu." She attended his need.
"Thank you." and he spoke words yet untaught.

For a moment Albert watched the woman standing up.
A lady with wolf ears sprouting from her head.
A fuzzy wolf tail he felt looked quite odd to its puff.
And a kind countenance that brought love to her stead.

"My name is Albert." He spoke once again.
For the thousandth time past from when he could speak.
But unto deaf ears fall his words of a friend.
To a mother who's mind to his truth would not speak.

Albert went out to their yard and began his alien ritual.
Of movements so fine and sleek in their practice.
From the warm up, to his muscles to stretching residual,
The struggle to become stronger, Albert could not lack this.

With every hop, bounce and strike the pattern went on.
Albert long had grown numb to the sight of his clownish dance.
Liz watched on from inside, spying to her moves unknown.
Then her patience for this spectacle, her patience did not last.

"Why do you do this? My boy, why train to fight?
You would do better to study my writings I have written.
By learning and study, may your future be bright,
Rather than by sword where death walks unbidden."

"Training and studying are only together strong.
Without the body the mind would be wicked and cruel.
It would move without fragility or care of its wrongs.
And without mind, the body walks, a blunted tool."

This boy she had raised and would continue to thus.
Felt closer to a man from his birth made deranged.
By a past she did not know of a life he would not fuss,
Or share amongst them both and would so remain.

On the day they had found each other by the river sat along.
Where she held him and took him and found a shack out remote.
The house that they lived would stand alone in the throng,
Of luscious green land kept their lives still afloat.

"Driyu why do you train? You still have not answered me".
"I want to grow stronger, to keep alive best I can.
This world is, was, has and forever will be,
The hell of a home for the unprepared man.

Being weak is a sin, being dumb is a joke.
The words of a fool would to me always say.
"If you don't do as I say, watch your efforts become smoke"
So to defy others, even you, I will not change my way."

"A child should play and not worry of such things."
Albert could not let that thought be given rest.
"I am me and always me. My thoughts worry brings.
But you are right to say anxious thoughts are unblessed.

The fact is I enjoy it, I like feeling progress.
And how much stronger and faster I'll be.
Like a wolf on the prowl or the shadows caress
A scary big burly man being all crazy they'll see!

Stomping the ground and masses alike.
All falling under King Albert the emperor of all.
The greatest tactician and warrior of might.
And when all has fallen, the last guy they call."

"A wolf on the prowl, what does that mean?"
"An insignificant noteless figure of speech Lizzy."
"Driyu I heard it, play with me not coy."
"With utmost respect and love, I am busy."

I see you happy.
Flowers smile at the sight of a woman and her child.
God is proud of his world, as the angels smile.
I brace my chest and growl the pain away.

I see you eager.
Infecting others with a desire to please.
Breeze, the love you spread fills minds with ease.
I ball up my fists and dig my own nails into my hands.

I see you care.
The smile you give, the hand you extend. I could never repay such kindness again.
Forever I am lost, lost and in love. With a taken woman.
My scowl answers your extended hand.

I see you go.
And I tear every memory of you from my heart, and write it into a poem.

"Reg, J

From where I sit, you seem troubled.
An affording further, thee,
Your heart belongs to another.
And yet you temper to remember she.

With whom there was a love.
A love, of which you lost.
And yet breath, of memories no more.
Sprinkled with **** and you call it gloss.

You bear such trouble, such aimless need,
For one of whom hates you so.
But death is such a boring end!
I want to know how far you'll go.

So I make an offer, I won't lie.
Find me where eyes are lathed in greed.
And I will appear to you, but once.
And arm you with what you need.

To run your foolish errand.
And continue your forsaken goal.
When me and my brothers laugh at you.
And how much suffering will take its toll.

O' cursed soul, how much I see you weep.
But know this idiotic cause quite just.
Because the divine will blame you as the world cannot take you."

The final line of this poem is lost.

A day later, Albert still laying on his back.
The sky shifted and upended in its mood,
It moved from a still to a crawl to attack,
As the sun bore into Alberts eyes drew.

There was no sights to be had as they closed now unseen.
Paintings of life in the ill mannered dark
Dread and the feelings of anxiety it could bring.
A single point of hope at an insignificant spark.

The weepings and moanings of a woman in the light.
Unknown and just heard as Alberts eyes held shut.
"Why do you hate me master. For your whip to scar so tight?
I can't stand why it is me you would cut.

I can't be here, I can't stand it. I cannot believe I was so dumb.
To think a thing such as I could be loved.
Were I a more courageous woman with fortitude to come.
I would end my life and see my parents above."

Albert heard the words, he heard them quite clear.
They pierced his heart like bullets shot close.
While love of others meandered, it would mingle and steer.
To him and this woman, it glared on as its foes.

Albert exhausted from hunger and in dire straits.
He clicked and he cracked as his voice at a choke.
The unduly silence was met in its pace.
As the woman into the river would go.

And Albert turned his head, he looked at the ****.
Of the water made open by her gait.
He felt and he hoped, with his heart in a trash.
This woman would not die in the waters gate.

But the quiet would linger and the bubbles would stop.
He felt darkness crawl into his heart.
Alberts eyes would close promptly as he began to sob.
And the moment of this cold depart.

Suddenly! He disappeared from view as a wish was made.
The baby boy had crossed to the sea.
And again he appeared with soppy woman bade,
"Wake up" as no words left his mouth would be.

He stared on with blank thoughts and a feeling of empty,
He layed on his belly and watched her eyes cry.
The death she had wanted and prayed as a plenty,
And why she had come back on the grass, "Why.

Why am I breathing.  Why can I see.
Why is my body so tired."
The end that would befall, the end that couldn't be.
As by Alberts strength, her life is not retired.

But he watched and he waited.
She lay and she cried.
There eyes met and she was sated.
By her baby savior she relied.

"Hahaha! How? How could you do it? How could you save me like that?
It's not possible but no one is here and I'm here.
Baby boy, what have you done to keep me on this flat?
I don't understand. I don't get why you would care."

Albert could not speak as he was an infant, but his eyes,
His eyes betray the calm delay to emotion of an adult.
From words spoken, to feelings taken to what we use as a guise.
Albert shifted his view to the water, than back without fault.

"Can you... Understand me?"
Albert without thinking nodded his head.
The woman sat with cynicism underneath that tree.
Mind on her matter over the dumb words she said.

"I don't know if you can but I'm sorry.
I'm sorry you saw me do that.
I don't want anyone to see me and worry.
I'm strong and these feelings I combat."

As she lied to him, Albert understood and did not fight.
He did not cry nor laugh nor believe her absurd.
His heart tore at her words so sincere in there bite.
Of emotions unshared, Of horrors unheard.

The key to happiness is self-expression in a safe environment.
I offered you that however, it is not unique.
There is another man who can offer you that.
It is rare, but it is not impossible.

I, given my multiple interests will have difficulty.
If I wrote all my interests on a board, no one I know could fill half of it.
Except you.
That is where I am. Stuck in a place of unhappiness.

Congratulations.
You were right, I would never meet anyone like you again.
And there wasn't a single thing I could do to stop it.
Lessons I had not learned, could not be used after the event had taken place.

It's warm in this place.

Like the last breeze fades on a clear spring day.
The stillness holding between the hilltops
The empty wind dying above the fields, in the city, on the rivers.
On a world I could not change.

Of a girl who can be herself with someone else.

Maybe that's fine.

As your scarlet letter folds into the crowd.
Of a face I am struggling to recall.
But the tears that I shed for you will not stop.
And that is all of my findings of our story so far.

And every new poem I wrote here for you.
I wrote when I learned something new to archive.
And I hope they reach you someday.
So I can be surprised.

So my framework view of this world can be changed.
And I selfishly hope I can express myself again.
In this message to a girl who will never read it.
That the experiment of us can be undertaken with the findings made.

And I might show you, that I'm not a manipulative narcissistic ****.

But only actions prove that, not words.
Which is why I post this here, where you will not find it.
So I can respect your wish to cut me off.
And at the same time, write my findings, that they might one day prove useful.

**** SON
I see your name glisten, your heart races
And with this multikill you will reach high places
scream aloud and build up the streak
Listen to fggts as they critique
MLG m9, Don't play if your noob
hardc0re the only way we do
1v1 m3 if your so tough
Il nock you out, im 6ft and buff
**** dont even try to stop me
Im a genius, im pro, im to mlgee
The more you boast, the harder you'll crash
*** off m9 your just jealous of my ca$h
******* HACKER
******* scrub you dont even lift
Hubris and Pride, condemned and forsaken
Act like a god, treated like Satan
The game is over, you've won and congrats.
I'm sure your more of a man after that.
mlg for lyfe
yeah right
onto the next game because you're alone
and need people online to call your own

I look down at you, perched on my self righteous steeple.
Nothing but roaches falling over themselves to avoid being alone.
Simple minds so insecure, mistaking open mindedness for indecision.
Are you really worth the time you take?

From here I see your dependency.
Your weakness and already strained foundations.
My name is Ramon.
I'm a demon.

Around me, amongst a cataclysmic empire trying to destroy itself.
I sleep ready. Waiting for the time when I can ****.
It's my drug. Violence, disdain and manipulation are my medicine.
I'll be the poison that saves you.

This world is such a beautiful place.
I laugh and every pain I feel cowers in fear.
Heartfelt memories tear and rip in the abyss of my mind.
Feel yourself die.

Misunderstand and misinterpret me.
You will not change the fact.
I'm the villain.
You are my toys.

They crept and crawled behind the rocks.
Eliminating innocents as they went.
Hiding in the underbrush.
The unstoppable force in the middle of the night.

The sentries see movement but can't pinpoint them.
They are everywhere.
Enemies in the left, the right, the remote camp and the pass.
Tension as the moment before a great battle.

First came the rocks, the spears, the guns and then the missiles.
A hail of bullets, mortar and firebombs.
The radios are jammed and no one is spared.
It's a simultaneous attack on all fronts.

Totally paralyzed, the commander lays flat on the ground.
The enemy are not assuming control.
They are entities of pure violence.
Every kick and every punch reverberates through his body.

And they vanished. As if never there to begin with.
The land is scarred, the forest is ash and the last defenders are scrambling.
It was as brutal as an avalanche.
It went as quickly as the wind.


The general wants to know what happened, but he knows best.
He knew it was just a matter of time.
Until a thought caused a memory cascade.
The crack in his mental **** brought about the tsunami.

And it was love.
It was love unfettered and bludgeoned that held a knife to his throat.
Love sent the message loud and clear
That it would not be ignored.

To you, the one who is useless at everything.
To you, the one who is weak in front of everyone.
To you, the one who is despicable.
To you, the one who has no true friends.
To you, the one who is truly unique.

You will lose and you will fail over and over again.
You were not born with the things others have.
You will need to obtain them with your own hands.
And even when you do, even when you've struggled pathetically.
You will still be, just you.

I think the reason I find it difficult.
To get over you.
My favorite part of the past we built.
Was talking the day through.

I could listen to your aspirations forever.
And how we charted course.
Through the life once pointed at me, now sever
Its love from her source.

As time grew on, I found courage to speak.
Words from a darker time.
And work through to meet you at the peak.
You with me, our hearts design.

I loved to hear you talk of your life.
I adored to hear your thoughts.
And the goals you set at such a height.
They dazzled me to know of sorts.

And now you're gone. But I...
I only wish you could have known me.
From weeks, from months and from years went by.
A lot changed over the open sea.

I am a new person, an ever changing enigma.
And my love for you, boundless as the story you sing.
To know me now, when I held that stigma.
Oh, what skeptical words you would bring!

I had a dream of you.
This was different.
In it you snubbed me and acted as if I didn't exist.
In a place I don't know.

It made me hurt.
That dream is our reality right now and onwards.
It may seem obsessive, but I am still grieving us.
I don't feel that loss of you going away anytime soon.

But I will stop writing poems about you.
I had a thought as my heart broke for the thousandth time.
That I had done my best with the tools I had.
That a relationship without a future has no need for a past.

I'm sorry for everything.

I put my face upon my pillow to feel the coldness.
A face always prepared but unwilling to cry.
Only in my dreams do I see her again.
My human side displays itself through the haze of sarcasm.

They had stripped me of my walls.
My first real friends.
I miss them so, now they have vanished.
Leaving me to live out this nightmarish life.

If only you could feel my heart.
The piece of me that has been torn and ripped apart.
I find myself living out this empty life.
Back into the abyss of misery and pain.

Why am I living? I ask myself and close my eyes.
Time to fall into the ecstasy of her heavenly arms.
A life lived fighting the world in my solemn way.
She helps me forget myself.

We dance in the heavens as angels look upon us in awe.
Prancing among the columns, we keep each other jovial.
Nevermore will those frozen words "au revoir" be spoken.
Her eyes shine in so many colours and disappear into the blackness.

Now the birds chirp a hymn of sorrow.
They took away my love.
If only she would return and tell me a lame joke.
Maybe just for a brief second I wouldn't feel alone anymore.

I know to whom I love.
That to which I give myself to.
All my possession and body belongs.
To me.

And so everyday my heart grows colder.
My soul a bit more broken.
Solace searched for in broken glass.
Knowledge consumes me.

I am the evil scientist plotting in his lab.
No righteous flag.
Just more angst I should let out through alcohol.
A broken genius.

Remember me as I was.
Cruel.
Capricious.
Stubborn.

Love yourself, because hell knows I wouldn't.

Who are you? Reading this, recalling your memories. This is a look into my head.
There is no lesson to learn.
Just the ramblings of a dead man.

If you want a worthwhile lesson. Don't try to change people you want to keep. You are not the world.

The sun rose out among verdant still hills.
High peaks, forests and earth stole their eyes away from this charade.
Strands of light refuse to illuminate me.
As the the play proceeds with divine authority.

Each bird is standing on its feet and spreading its wings.
Tigers brandish guns at their young, unaware of the anguish hungrily stalking behind.
And the men with hearts of black gold walk away with their heads down.
As we are all eaten away by ignorance.

The hands of fate stitch together a torn garment of time.
Embroidering its history of suffering.
But the answer to your questions won't be found in gods clothes.
There's a lot more suffocating water in this ocean than treasure.

But your heart withstood the weight of it all.
And its callouses grew over their shadows left behind.
But when it beats, I can still hear the screams
Of your abandonment.

Oh god, am I given virtues by you?
Or am I born with these virtues?
Do I need you?
Or do you tell me what to do?

Can I **** in the name of the lord, oh god?
Will they all go to heaven, oh god?
You ******, god.
Is it godly to ******?

Oh god, will I go to heaven?
Where I am forced to be happy?
Will thee make me love thy fellow sinners?
Brainwash me with love my lord.

Oh god, will I go to hell for my sins?
Forever in extreme pain for a venial sin?
Does thou consider this fair?
Oh god, are you a sadist?

Oh god, can you forgive me?
My lord, you sent your son to die.
Is this because you cannot forgive me?
Can man do something god cannot?

Oh god, is this world of pain and misery your creation?
Have you designed us to be in famine, **** and lunacy?
May I starve, be ***** and go insane in your sight?
Does this please my, oh god?

Oh god, do you blame the devil for your creation?
Have you, the all knowing one never sinned?
Are you not the one who killed in pride, Jobes livestock?
Why did you give humanity temptation?

Oh god. Is heaven, the place I want to be valhalla?
Is hell, the Hades of Hellenist religion?
Oh god, do you expect me to believe a book?
And zombies?

Oh god, thou must take me for a fool.
Which I am.
A fool whom blames humanity for it's problems.
And not the invisible spirits of the night.

If you look hard enough, you can see the sun.
You can stare it at and its boundless white and black.
I challenged the sun to a staring contest.
The sun played ***** and went for the eyes.

When the fibers of my shirt stretch, I feel fatter.
When my jeans need to be unbuttoned in the car, I feel ashamed.
But my power will bend this metamorphosis into beauty.
Sometime... Sometime soon...

A woman said mean things about me behind my back.
I agreed with her but never spoke with her.
I discussed it without her and came to the conclusion.
That woman should never speak to me again.

I can't help but feel heartless when you say I am so.
There is a bad guy but he's not me.
The bad guy is the one who's disappointing me.
The villain is the person who attacked anyone in their vicinity to get what they wanted.

I know I'm arrogant and I know I'm mean.
There are tidal waves and earthquakes you could build a relationship on steadier ground with.
But my ground is unmovable. My decision unbreakable.

And you are the one I love most. Though, it seems you have done everything to strip me from your life. The most important thing, hidden without a proper explanation. I have lost, utterly and completely.

And even this poem could be drilled down to 3 little words. "I miss you."

Pain is not evil, pain is not good.
He is the coldness of the wind upon your warm skin.
The breaths you can't take as you sink into numbness and drown.
A water soaked corpse who jumped into absolution.

Pain is acceptance of your flaws.
He is the blame that you take upon yourself.
The thought of a better life without you.
A final realization that change is impossible.

Pain is the actions you were too afraid to take.
He is the last gasp of you crying unheard screams for help.
The unseen hands that bind you into this pitiful place.
A spectral dream that plagues your subconscious.

Pain is your loss and existence.
He is the love you no longer have and the torment you felt.
The dark blood scented future stained in tears.
A lonely woman who walks in the dark.

Pain is the changes you don't want.
He is the audience that watches you go through this hell.
The many who see and avoid your freakshow
A god who overlooks your unnoticed suffering.

Pain is the hurt you cause.
He is the reasons you delude yourself with to stop believing you're a monster.
The ruination of your good intentions and newfound self loathing.
A disease that spreads to those around you.

Pain is disapointment
He is the object that fails to reach expectations.
The means that don't justify the ends.
A lie that is revealed.

Pain is entering this life
He is your insecurities and misunderstanding.
The deprivation of something you never had.
A lust and desire for more.

Before you, there was no pain.
After you is just the same.

Misfortune shines upon me tonight.
Her gentle caress becomes an insatiable gnawing at my flesh.
The chorus of the world brings me to my knees.
To all the pain that eats me away, I laugh.

A bird dies in the coming of dawn.
Her young become consumed by the darkness and pass.
Were we ever loved, those children and I?
The invitation is to my bedroom, not my heart.

I can still recall a black figure, peering into my abysmal eyes.
Crawling inside the deepest recesses of my mind.
The forgotten memory stranded in a sea of the lost.
Oh cathartic catastrophe, let me hold that shadow once more.

How many masks did I tear off their faces?
I've already lost count.
Of ****** faces and bruised eyes.
There's no heaven where I'm going.

Do they still breath I wonder.
Will they be happy?
Can I see them, my afflictions.
Will they find solace in my suffering?

The pain I feel.
It's all in my head.
The guilt of ******.
The pain of abandon.

Remind me in a park why you left.
So I can walk my own trail once more.

I am not a brave man.

I am the face in a crowd that hides in plain sight.
An angel with baggage that keeps me from flying.
A heart so wounded, no kiss could ever heal it.
A body that refuses to say "I'm okay."

I am not a wise man.

My mistakes have cut both ways.
I have brought the world against me and my loved ones.
Always, my enemies are pushing me away.
Be gentle, you press on my wounded heart.

I lose things.

Friends I will never gain back.
Skills I could never perform without trembling.
Enemies who's insults won't be forgiven.
Words that refuse to say I love you.

I did my best.

My ignorance was turned to sunshine.
The anxiety has closed its eyes to the world at large.
I forgave my first love who moved on from my embrace.
My tears were clear enough to reveal affection from my hate.

****** words paint the flowers a crimson red.
A dove recites the end of all mankind.
Rounding out his edges and sharpening his knives.
Amorous lovers ride the wave of life.
Heart worms my body still tries to burn away.

Kindly, I delude god and myself into a dream.
Every mindless prayer, my secrets scream.
And only my love remains.
To this day, he accepts the woman he lost.
Opals eyes that cry remorse.
No reply.

I can live without the friends I knew.

And each and every missing piece.
Morose taxidermist lives her dreams.

Sullen chords play the lonely song.
And I tell myself that I am strong.
Do the roses in your garden look pretty?

Emptying out my heart into a pool of nothingness.
Hubris I was to think you would be mine.
Your light casts me as a shadow of a person.
A ghost.
Empty.
The choir sings a deathly hymn of sorrow.
Scatter me as I break apart.
Cast my love into the abyss of despair.
Crush this feeling till only a dark memory remains.

Could you give me a moment?
How long was that moment.
Why are you keeping me waiting.
When will I see you again?

Have you given thought to what you want to be?
I've thought and I want to be god.
I want to be your god.
When will I see you again?

Do you love me?
Of course I love you.
Do you love me back?
When will I see you again?

Will you be with me forever?
I will.
How long will you be here?
When will I see you again?

Do you have any questions for me?
When will I stop hearing your voice in my head?

Do you want an answer from me?
No, you're just me masquerading as a long lost love.

Do you love me?
Not anymore.
Don't say that kid.**
She's dead to me, keep pretending and you'll be dead to.

You never knew how much I loved you.
Sitting on a tree.
Minding the stump.
I was afraid you might fall!

Burlesque minds make fun of you.
Call me an idiot too. I think.
But every time I hear the screams,
I just can't get over that you'd tell me to delete you!

Since when was a man measured by the viscosity of his morals.
To invest online my heart.
But the world told me too, I never had a choice. Because the world decides whether I'm fated to invest in your company. But where would it end? Easy, the world cuts off your existence like a hot knife through crying butter. Could a fate ever be so cruel as mans resistance to the reproachful sickening thud of two people never being able to feel deeply about each other again? But the world doesn't tell the moon what to do. She sits there, waiting patiently for someone to come **** her.  She's come to understand that life without a heartbeat is not a life worth living. because everyone who came into the world, our moon included gave their heart to someone. The world told her too. So what if its painful? So what if it's pitiful? Everyone does it so it must be correct, truly. Those words. I love you. Just having you by my side keeps me from hating myself a little. I like the pain of being with you. I don't ever want to leave this place, it's lovely. No one ever liked me before I met you. Touch me harder, rub me harder. I will achieve your dreams with you. I don't like to see you sad. My heart has been connected to you since the day we met. I like guys with long hair. I like girls with a nice ***. I'd give up the world for you. Now you know that I like you. Don't ever think you are alone. Even if he doesn't like you, I like you, I love you. When we become ghosts, we can be together forever. You're my hero. Don't ever leave me. You're my purpose for living. We don't have to be rich, we're happy together. It's not that I like you! I just wanted to help you. You're the only one who understands me. My reason for being is you. I've always loved you. You're the only scream I like. Don't ever make me cry, I couldn't stand it if you made me cry. We can stay in heaven together honey. I'll stop whoever makes you sad. Please come back tonight, I miss you. My heart can't take anyone else, just stay with me. We'll be the best of partners! No one could ever touch me like you do. I had a really good time, I mean that. I cherish the world for bringing me you. I will marry you. He could never hold a candle to you. You've ruined me for all other men. I can't be with anyone as long as they're not you. Keep me in your heart forever. We'll get married when we grow up.  I will love you, so don't ever say such miserable things, you're running away. Please don't delete me, I love you. I'll be here forever.

But the world just kept on moving.
It never stopped to tell the moon those words she wanted to hear.
That it was sorry.
The responsibility was just too much.

I could have been dead!
Would that I, be dead in my head?
No, I be dead in thine bed.
Would not that you care that I am dead?

Poppycock and dead!
I am never dead, I am only my head.
Not dead so to say, that you take it away.
I am dead without thine head.

Dead! Better dead than red.
Red, dead in your bed covered in red.
I said I was dead, so leave me in bed.
Dead in your eyes, dead in my bed.

Dead, like dregs.
Dead in a dreg.
Covered head to toe in clay.
Making my way, in heaven to stay.
For you my babe, I am dead.

From where did I come from?
From whence did I arrive.
Was I 3, 4, 5, or 6 when my eyes could see things weren't alright.
Did the earth put me here to brings peace?
Does the bird think about its past nest.
Will the sea rise.
The sun explode.
And to where do I put my parents to rest?
Will I regale my children with tales of valor?
Will I curse their existence.
Do I deserve to be alive right now?

The bird does not let its past nest hold it down.
The sea will find a home somewhere else.
And I will be, just here. Breathing deeply, to make sure I'm still alive.

Make way for the bees.
There's too much to say.
Love once and forever.
Bleed out the day.

More happy than sense.
The future divide.
Between a man and his friends.
For him and his bride.

Low cost, low manage.
And family safe.
Party and make merry.
For our new home today.

Couples of fame.
Lovers of vice.
Homes that were broken, parents that fight.

But no bad ending and no fallout.
No lovers spat, no bad flake out.
It could be true love or it could not be.
But I've been left here for an eternity.

And so, she pervades and steals my friends.
And my disgust to her attends.
Blame me, or their crossed stars above.
But I blame the forgetful feeling known as love.

To where do those memories go?
My and your soft lips meeting.
Exchanging values and ideas.
But like a conversation gone bad, you had no place in it.
Helpless.
A genius walks a lonely path.

Did our parents really ever "get" us?
Or were they just unfit to even bear the name.
Scoldings, put downs and assaults.
And the result is a childhood of treachery and miscommunication.
Misunderstood.
A genius walks a thorny path.

Where does a broken child learn they are special?
Feelings of inferiority build architectural grand designs of mental illness and rotting relationships.
And who really survives growing up?
Except me.
Childlike.
A genius rejects adulthood to walk as a child.

Why do the divine watch us?
Is it to see us suffer? To overcome the pangs of suffering and torments?
Is it truly a godlike quality to forgive? When will that be me being taken advantage of?
I know when.
Solid.
A genius gathers no moss.

Will death come? Am I to respect such a thing?
Why would his hand touch so closely my throat, my brain and my heart.
Are the dreams messages containing factual information? Guides on life?
No, they teach us what we should be to death.
Respectful.
A genius bows his head to the dead.

What is the emptiness and fullness meant to be?
Will full people live on. Scraping by on whatever happiness chance chooses to make them aware of?
Will empty people believe all belief and concept is empty? A form of solipsistic ignorance of both destiny and loved ones.
To become full and empty.
Reborn.
A genius lives to burn, burn out and be brought back to life again.

What is a genius? From the brain of a genius? Eyes that can see through fraud and deception. Including ones own.

Screams echo madly.

To my silly little dream.

Falling teeth and eating phones.

I put the snooze on a hold.

Betraying all my friends tonight.

This dream will never be alive.

So dance madly and chaotic.

Dreams that last like a narcotic.

The caricature of a me.

Drowning and crying in the sea.

Playing soccer on the field.

Former lovers leave concealed.

From your smile to a frown.

The last breath before you drown.

But I see that everything.

Merely a silly little dream.

Crying tears, abundant tears.

As I wake up from my dream.

And feel my heart crunch.

Scry, the telling of a broken heart.
In a distant past where hello sounds.
Fear, the coming coldness of a flood.
And her echo likeness in the crowds.

From where do these feelings come?
Mind the gap, it's where my dreams had once reside.
In guilt, my memories of moments some,
And in ghastly poems I confide.

Have you not felt as I do, idling in the screen?
See these collapsed surroundings in mine broken eyes.
Of a future not hoping, of a life unseen.
Where I decided to break a heart, and say my goodbyes.

And the last one to say, I couldn't have known.
In three years the bullet finally struck my mood.
And when I spoke, the love I felt had been sown.
To the darkest moment, silence drifted in the gloom.


I'm sorry. I will be sorry until my death.
Mark the moment of an arrows strike.
Pull back, correct the stance and calm your breath.
I can only let loose and redraw, start a new page and rewrite.

It's a cliche to stare from the window, but I do.
Slipping through time without thinking.
The flowers are indulging the ground with life.

I am not so candid as to tell you why.
Voices ruminate outside my prison.
I wouldn't be so sad if this was the end.

I'm not calling to say I love you or I've moved on.
But that when the knife in my heart twists.
The pain doesn't really move me as it used to.

I might give up, I might give in.
But the calls from another world, they beckon me to"Keep smiling".
Perhaps I never should have reached out.

So here I write and release to the world.
So that the death grip on my soul will be just released a little.
As this poem has seemed to do.

I realize this isn't the ideal scenario, being so torn up about nothing it doesn't reflect on me quite well. But time will march on without me. And the stars will reflect our pie in the sky hopes and dreams. And the knife will stay in my heart to remind me of you and your betrayal all those years ago. And the poison will reach the earth I walk on. And all those nice kind loving things you say, the beauty of it all will one day be lost on me. But for today, thank you for reminding me that I can resist the pain that's meant to make me human. Until the dawn comes, I beg you to sleep. And not look at my face.

Please, don't see my tears. They are only per-cursors to that knife being twisted again. And yet, part of me desires it be twisted again so that I may see just how long it will take before I destroy this thing called "Friendship."

Glades and Creeks.

One day in a journey far far away,  the forest was speaking to a lone wanderer.
"I am quite the clean forest, am I not?." The forest whispered soothingly.
"Mmhm." Spoke the wanderer, passive by such an interjection.
"Of course. Thousands of forests have wilted and died under the hand of man. I remain lush and brimming to the birch with life."
"Where is my way out of here?" The wanderer asked, becoming quite needy at the thought of having to spend the night in that dung-infested greenhouse.

The forests name was Evergreen. Allot of forests were named Evergreen. This forest had just been sold cheaply to a large logging firm who would come and tear the ugly trees down. The proprietors of that sale was a tribe of Indians. The specific agent who devised and contracted the sale was named Nahiko. An Indian tribesmen who, like his ancestors could speak to the forest.

Indians were what Europeans called people from India and natives of America. Allot of Indians in America were killed for being Indian. When an Indian boy came of age, they would be thrown into a jungle and starve until they saw an animal spirit. This was probably prelude to eating said spirit animal while thanking it for helping him live on.

"I, Evergreen implore you to stay within my womb of plant and fauna."
"Hm." replied the wanderer. Not wanting to argue.
The wanderer took a seat beside a flowing creek on a rock. The creek lead up to waterfall, which in turn lead through a river that spanned for miles. The river did not speak as it was an extension of the forest, Evergreen. Down the creek was the old homes of the Indian tribe.
"Have you ever saved someone else?" The wanderer asked.
"My yes, of course. Everyone who is to enter without water or food is rescued by my charming animals! And luxurious streams. I am quite hospitable you see. There was a tribe who lived within me, they were by name called the Perchil tribe. But they had to leave for more. Hmph. As if anything up in that ****** town is worth more then me."

Further up the river, away from the forest was a town named "Milan". It was named after a kingdom of the same name in Italy. People in Milan spoke German. This was odd given Milan lay in south America, but not unusual given its history of being a port to German slave traders who came from a German colony called "Tanganyika" in Africa. The town was named Milan because the Germans wanted to appear more Italian. This desire was apparent in their most famous dishes "schnitzel Pizza" and "Pasta Salsiccia". Pasta Salsiccia was pasta in a sausage casing often served with tomato sauce and mashed potatoes.

Perchil was also a member of that Indian tribe. He was Nahiko's brother and had a family of his own. Perchil was born in Evergreen and educated in Milan. He had been fighting with Nahiko over the terms of sale of the forest. Nahiko had wanted to preserve the land of old tribe. Perchil was already drawing up plans to sell it to an oil foundry. Their land happened to be on top of a great oil reserve. That means allot of animals lived and died on that land millions or thousands of years ago. There body would dissolve into a black gooey liquid used to fuel heavy machinery. This machinery is used by logging firms to cut down not exclusively, forests named Evergreen.

The wanderer, feeling awkward asked. "So, you'd rather not want to be destroyed?"
"Oh, I am a forest and I do maintain a will of my own and wants. But I cannot rather things should be anything other than what they are. The world is a destructive place. It is disrespectful of its former home and ancestry. I know this. I have tried however, to ward off the workmen by scaring them with my animals. In the end I shall become a town or a shopping mall."
In 3 years time, the deed to "Evergreen plains, Milan" would be sold and used to build a shopping mall named aptly "Evergreen Mall". And the forests voice would be spoke out of loudspeakers, but in the form of either a pre-recorded message or announcement about a lost child. Nahiko and Perchil would be married in Evergreen Mall. Nahiko three times.

"Oh woe is me, I lament my lost brothers and sister forests who are no longer beaming and prideful of their enormous trees and crested riverbanks."
"Maybe they should have defended themselves better." The wanderer spoke, trying unsuccessfully to show concern.
"Well, I for one will never give up fighting the man!"
"Good for you." The wanderer then ate his lunch.

Three days from now, the forest would stop speaking to anyone who arrived within its borders and see the lone wanderer again. But this time, he would be protected by four glass windows inside a piece of machinery powered by black gooey liquid called a "harvester" which lifted up wood and cut it into easily transportable pieces.

"Do you, believe in god wanderer?" The forest asked, to strike up some conversation.
"I do believe in god. He's the reason I get up in the morning and assists me in supporting my family."
"I don't. I don't think I believe in god, wanderer. If he exists, how could he let something so beautiful as I and my brother and sister forests be turned into shopping malls and townships like Milan."
The evergreen forest had seen the name "Milan" as a city nearby on a poster which flew into the twig of its tree. The poster was now lying on smooth ground weighted down by a root, as so the forest can read it over and over again. The poster advertised Pasta Salsiccia at a local restaurant in Milan. It had appetizing pictures of Pizza with crumbed steak on it and Pasta filled Sausages.
"God once flooded the earth, destroying all forests and people for their misgivings. Maybe you misgave and people are your divine punishment."
The forest grew silent and whispered soft hymns of wind against the leaves and overgrown shrubbery.

The edge of the creek, where the wanderer sat on a rock had a hard sand that stretched out a few meters disappeared into the dirt. It was unusual to see a small bed of sand without any other visible placements of sand. The wanderer had been dumping it there, with permission from the forest so he could form a base to store his harvester. The forest did not know of the sands purpose, she thought it looked pretty.
"If I were god, the world would be nothing but forests!" Evergreen stated. The gentle words turning a harsher coarse crackling of branches.
"The world seems to be nothing but people right now. Maybe gods a man."
"Unlikely! If god was a man, he would certainly love forests enough to never cut them down."
"Hm." The wanderer was dissatisfied with this explanation, but didn't want to argue.

"Would you **** anyone who came into your forest, just to prove a point?" The wanderer asked, waiting pensively.
"Oh no, as I said. I cannot change what already is and certainly would not bloom the effort to try. Besides. I also know about those people and their weapons. When it comes to human beings, no matter how hard I fight they will always win. How they ever came to develop boom guns and ratatatat chainsaws I have no idea. If they came from my forest, people would certainly have never developed tools so cruel and menacing. But, I suppose Eden had her way for you. Even if it was, at the cost of all our kind."
"Yeah. No matter forest or person, people always win. I'll always be below some rich powerful man too." The wanderer felt melancholy for feeling unimportant. The forest felt the same melancholy for her life and the world.

Suddenly and finally, a noise came from the wanderers pants. He then picked out his phone, clicked it and took it to his ear. After two hours, the wanderer walked east and out of Evergreen forest. He visited her three days later in his noisy harvester. made to cut wood. He parked on his sand bed. The wanderer left his harvester and locked the door without a word. Evergreen forest was properly harvested of its trees in 3 years time. Never uttering a word or complaint. The painted marking on the harvester she saw everyday however, was her last thought as she disappeared. The word painted onto the door of the harvester, its operator. "Perchil."

It was you.
You whom drew the blood of the universe and held it in your hand.
Painstakingly slicing glass across your wrist.

The affinity of terror.
Tears shining in the moonlight.
A heart shielded by memorials of the lost.

Archaism of culture.
Granting you the gift of hope.
Your spirit cries out for the truth, only to be given doubtful beliefs.

In your darkest times, I am your light.
Absolute and sincere.
The epitome of content.

In the light of freedom, I am your foreshadow.
Cynical and cruel
Binding your wings to keep you close.

Fly free with all your love.
Above me, away strong eagle.
Stay high, maybe in time.
You'll want to be mine.

"Where did he go?"
The one who asked the question.
He does not believe it so.
That he should move to the next section.

From the heart of a mother.
To the love of the son.
And the bond of his father.
Brought together into none.

Albert did not live and love,
from the beginning of his life he kept,
And himself was made safe through the rough.
Only by himself, for himself had he wept.

And when he was known to be gone.
There was almost no one to weep.
And the few who shed tears, some.
They knew his broken heart would not beat.

It had lived with a hole,
so open and bleeding.
And in his words, it did show.
A friend to hold it closed he was needing.

And the books in his house were of adventure.
The thoughts on his head were of struggle.
His poems published online of indenture,
That his unwell mind was mired in trouble.

And they spoke of a girl he once knew.
And the investigator, most likely, he thought.
"I think Albert took his life, and he threw.
And with that, a lot of trouble for us he brought."

Albert never wanted to bring others trouble.
But it seemed he couldn't help it, even when away.
And as the papers were brought to a file and wrapped in a bundle.
The case was brought to an end that day.

But Albert was alive and with a stumble.
He was here now, he was here to stay.

Hey, I'm your ex.
It's been a really long time since I talked to you.
How are you doing? What has your day been like?
Do you think you'll want kids soon?

I've been doing hard of it.
I don't think my days can continue as they are.
It feels like no matter how much I try to change.
I can't quite move from where I start.

The weird part is, you don't know me.
I was an abusive ***.
And right now where I am, I can't reconcile him.
Who you fell in love with from the past.

But I'm still your ex and I miss you.
I wish we could talk a little more.
I never did quite get over you.
Though, what you did rattled me to my core.

But I don't blame you.
I have long since moved on from that day.
I thought you still loved me, and, well, I was wrong.
I have never been able to trust what people say.

I've tried to get in contact.
My messages to you receive no reception.
Scores of poetry line a man with a traumatic past.
Who never received, even an ounce, of physical affection.

My actions are still respecting your wishes.
When you wanted to cut me off.
You told me so, to leave you forever.
Divide the sea from the whorf.

I looked over some old messages from you.
Its really frightening how I had put on such airs.
I never trusted you, but I grew to, somewhat.
It's a shame I couldn't give you my soul to bare.

I never meant for it to be this way.
I feel like I couldn't have done any better, anyway.
And I'm just telling you, as I had before.
The man you knew, is not the man I am today.

He is so far divorced from his honest feelings, he can barely grasp them.
He is so stressed by his past, he can never confide in.
He is so untrusting of his relationships, he could never partake with.
And he certainly didn't receive the help he needed, as it would always deride him.

As I struggle through my recovery, I can't help but miss you.
Well I always have.
I wish things weren't the way they were.
They do make me very sad.

And they remind me of all my betrayals I ever felt.
Not that I made it easy.
And for you, I certainly did not.
My hopes were dashed that you would ever see me.

I'm not a bad guy, I'm not a good guy.
But I try my best, always to be honest.
I think if you knew me, as I am now.
You would know, to love you always I have kept my promise.

But being kind isn't all that special.
And being deep isn't all that rare.
And these qualities of me now, you found somewhere else.
And so this regretful loneliness I bare.

Smoke Blazing up a chimney.
The smell of a lovely stew.
He sits all alone, on a cobblestone home.
The man who sits on the roof.

The house colored red.
Standing as high as it could.
The paint peeling slightly.
This home holding furniture of wood.

There is food on the table.
Heat in the lounge.
Games to be played and merry to be found.
So why does he sit, content to be fit with sitting alone on the roof?

The moonlight does show a story of love.
Of loss, of regain.
Of tempestuous and shame.
Oh what a sight to behold, to the story of the man sitting on the roof.

Once there were One, then there was Two.
Three came in later, Four came in tune.
With One and the Two, they fell and were swoon.
"Tis love! Tis love!" A bearing of fruit.

One soon fell ill and started to fade.
Two could not bear, to see lovers wear.
Hearts were weeping like beggars on the streets.
"Don't leave, I need you." Pain bringing need.

One soon improved and Two with her love.
A love so intense, their hearts merged a whole.
A child they bore, and a home they had made.
A story of woe, of sorrow of pain.

Years they stayed as true as the moon.
Two loved One, and one truly loved Two.
Together they make an incredible couple.
No hate, no pain nor tears nor trouble.

Two made a stew, One lit a fire.
No words as they awaited their hearts and desire.
Missing, a piece of Ones heart led astray.
Not expecting to hear what she heard that day.

The child came home from a party that night.
He spoke tenaciously "Somethings odd alright.
There's a guy up there, just waiting and all."

Approaching the door, Two went in a huff.
One lowered her eyes and thought of the past.
Two left through the entrance and looked up to the roof.
His sight at that time, left him aghast.

In the silhouette of the moon. He sits in attune.
The man who is sitting, alone.
Twiddling his thumbs, Hoping when the time comes.
He will live in this house, content as a mouse.
With a love he had lost.
Out of the frost.
This man freezing with no one one to help.
He is the Three sitting, waiting on the roof.

Every night I chase them.
Feelings so close to me.
Will I ever escape from this miasma of broken dreams?

My life is now a picture.
My tears are now a lie.
Reminded through my faultless mind of why I want to die.

No longer can i flee.
Walls are closing in on me.
A thousand fists, a million tears that meld into my skin.
I am no one but you who made the hate I garner within.

Hold me to feel a thousand memories of pain that are now one.
Nuance me with your shun.
The course of mine that runs.
Hide with your conspirators deep inside the temple.
You are my personal devil.
In my head I feel you revel.

Like all before you look away in fear of what I have become.
To you I could be your love.
To me I see no one.
Emptiness and life are my drug.
My eternal bane.
My pleasure an my pain.

Touch me to see everything you love all fall as one.
I am a curse.
A poison.
The failed volume of an author.
Progenitor to a slaughter.
The blood mixed in your water.

Reason and logic keep me from losing control of this.
This body I feel not mine.
The circus of my life.
I am the prized freakshow, the star of my own hell.
All the lesser sideshows look unto me and want.
The king of everything I hate.
Disappear.