I love myself
I love myself
I keep telling myself
I love myself
Because I know that
I need to love myself
And if I stop saying it
I'll believe it much less
Than I already do.

Electric currents shock my system
As I try to comprehend these feelings
I don't like to let myself feel things
They call it fear of commitment
It's not about that as much
As it's about self-preservation
Sometimes I feel suffocated
Because I feel so much
And these busted lungs
Can't handle everything at once
So I drown my blood with drugs
Some that allow my emotions to flow
Others that stop my mind from spinning
Either way it's hard to stay sober
For too long in this crazy life
I can handle the stress
I can handle the pain
But when it comes to love and like
A panic breeds in my soul
Because I'm afraid to show myself to these women
These demons owned me for so long
I'm covered in scars
Some you can see
Some you can't
Either way they show themselves someway
They're damaging despite their invisibility
And owning that fact is tough
Taking responsibility is even harsher
But if I want something honest and genuine
That's exactly what I have to be

Words fail me
I don't know what I feel
I want to fade to nothing
And let the silence consume me
So many perspectives
I don't know which is true
Maybe all of them are
But then what?
They tell me I'm good
While my guilt swallows me whole
Rule one is do no harm
And I've shattered that
They say it's being a human
And I guess that's true
But if I can do anything to help
Then I'd like to
Where is that fine line
Between values and pain?
I don't owe it to them
But I feel like I do
If getting burned makes it better
At what point do I quit?
Do I hand over the matches?
Soak my soul in gasoline?
Pain for pain seems so fair
I made mistakes and I have to own them
But does letting myself burn
Really help anyone?

It's quiet as the world beyond my window moves forward.
Leaving me behind, frozen in my state of mind.
The clouds are passing over, crawling across the sky.
I'm watching slowly, waiting to see what i can find.
Tall trees, branches scratching upon the glass
Yet still silence succums the open space that surrounds me.
My lack of strength overrides the will to move.
Joining the world is but a dream, fading by the minute.
Empty thoughts and a damaged heart
Leave me exhausted, far exceeding my limits.

My therapist asked me
If I like you because I like you
Or because you like me
Ironically enough
I knew I liked you
Before we even talked about it
And now as I lay in my bed
I'm daydreaming about blanket forts
And Disney movies
And cuddling in the warmth of our fortress
Although I never know when I'll see you next
I'm always looking forward to it

My legs and arms feel like they're stuck in mud
Trapped in a swamp of murky memories
A liquid so thick it hurts my lungs to fight the sinking
But theres no reflection here
So I won't let it swallow me
Most of the time I forget I'm fighting
The pain is so typical my body feels numb to it sometimes
But when I'm not rejecting my reality
Or repressing my circumstances
The all too familiar feeling
Anchors my body down so heavily
That even the idea
Of continuing to fill my lungs each moment
Is exhausting and debilitating.

The rare moments when I let myself feel things are excruciating
Anxiety claws through my chest
Like a rabid raccoon fighting for freedom
As terror bubbles through each of my muscles,
The only remainder of proof left
From the unspeakable and disgusting acts of others,
The memories I don't have anymore
The ones I choose to forget.

And yet they still keep trying so hard
To **** me into them
To make me remember them.
I didn't ask for this.
I didn't ask him to touch me.
I didn't ask her to hit me.
But I'm the one who's still stuck here
Fighting my past
Fighting myself
There's no reflection in this sludge of memories
Because I can't bring myself to look for one
I'm afraid that if I see myself in it
See what they did to me
See what I didn't do to stop it
I'll lose the last bit of sanity
That I am so desperately holding on to

I'm very grateful for
The progress I've made
And that I can realize now
Just how much
I allowed people to use me
Without seeing them
Doing anything wrong
It was always an issue with me
I either wasn't enough or
I was everything
Used only one way

She acted like she loved me
But ever since high school
All I was to her
Was a good **** and
A solid support system
Reliably there when she needed me
A schedule she chose herself
Said I was the one who got away
I was probably just the safe choice
As she always came back
Trying to get in bed with me
Even when we both had boyfriends
And after rejecting her then
Radio silence

Or another one
She was never real with me
I don't think she knew herself
So she'd change per person
And she moved in with me
Fully knowing it was a bad idea
To her I was a nice guy
Which allowed her to use me
Manipulating my mentality
And trying to fit in everywhere
Using anything to get her way
Lying to everyone constantly
But if you're not being real
You're a piece in the wrong puzzle

And I really don't want to
Hold onto the past at all
So before you think I'm not over it
Please understand that
This is just reflection
Of my own mistakes too
In a way that helps me grow
Because I sure as hell
Will not let this happen again
I am worth so much more
Than what I can give to others
I am a person too
My feelings, thoughts, and choices
They're entirely my own
No one else can control them
Not anymore

All the good memories
Are being washed away
By the ocean waves
Because the thought of your face
Makes my heart break
And I can't stop the streaming tears
I know my choice was right
But I also know that it's killing you
We had so many good times
And now I'm plagued by nightmares
The good thoughts are destroyed
Imploding with the weight of reality
Im so sorry
I'm so sorry
I'm so
Dead inside.
When your entire world comes crashing down
And you just run away from the wreck
Revisiting that graveyard
Plagues your life and soul with undead spirits of what you thought you had
And what you gave up because it wasn't real
All those happy memories
Are now rotting like dead flesh
Because they are a part of me still
But my body is rejecting them
Because they hurt too much to keep alive
My energy is depleting
But I can't let them go just yet
I don't want to forget you.

Our relationship is defined
By sleepy closing eyes
Suddenly fluttering awake
Because we realized something else to critique
We move through this life
Stuck in the definitions of the systems
But we know better
We know to question everything
From endless rants about capitalism
To minorly correcting the others word choice
Anarchy fuels our veins
As our hearts beat in sync
To our own vibrations

I finally took the sweatshirt out of my car
It smells like you
Hotel linen suffocating my senses
And for a moment I'm lost
Even though we're not great together
You still run through my mind too often
The quiet nights in your dorm room
Walking along the beach together
Me making jokes in the haunted house to calm your anxiety
Talking to goats at the pumpkin farm
Even getting hyped while playing video games
You are everywhere
And I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss you
It's so conflicting because
I know we were unhappy at the end
But maybe it could've worked out
If I tried a little harder
Instead of just giving up
But I didn't know where it would go
And it wasn't healthy anymore
You wanted forever and I wasn't sure I could give you that
I'm trying so hard to live in the moment these days
Which is hard when I can't stop thinking about you
But I hope you're doing ok

Baby please
Tell me what you need
I promise I'm trying
To take on the lead
You are small but not weak
Your voice is quiet when you speak
But do you know you move mountains
Like you do it with ease?
You take on this cruel world
All it's edges and swirls
You give us the strength we need
When my mind is unfurled
I know it's not fair
And I know that your scared
Your small hands take the wheel
As the rest of us stare
You're reckless and wild
You're still just a child
I promise I'm fighting
To get this reconciled
You deserve to be free
To give the power to me
One day I promise you
I'll help you find peace

Pen and pencil residue
Scribbled across a crumpled page
My words
His words
Yours
What do they all mean?
Still they make me feel things
Tears staining old papers
Not sure where these thoughts come from
It's been a long time now
Though it feels like just yesterday
These empty vibrations we put out back then
Still find a way to reach me now
This sting will last an eternity
Unless I throw it all away
And let the memories fade

My second year in college
I was enrolled in LGBT psychology
I had just contacted my insurance
Regarding the possibility of top surgery
Although the website included it
They told me they wouldn't cover it
My heart caved in on itself
And I knew it wasn't going to happen
Then one day during class
We had guest speakers there
One of them was a trans woman
Who had transitioned successfully
I was wholly inspired again and
When I asked her some questions
I began crying uncontrollably
I was surprised and embarrassed
In a way I knew she understood
And then I repressed that pain
I knew I'd have to wait for it and
I didn't want to hurt that much along the way

They say the problem is me
Hidden under lock and key
Secure from the world,
Safe from the pain.
But the chains on my heart choke the life out of my soul
Leaving my lungs gasping for something more
Something worth saying
Something with some meaning.
But alas the silence remains.
A broken girl behind a crooked smile
A sincere laugh, but only for a moment.
Claiming not to care
Yet a question whispers through the air of each night spent alone.
How can they tell me to let people in,
When there's no one around to see that the door's been left wide open?

I still wear the clothes you bought me
Especially at night
And on my dates
That weekend you asked me to think of you
To not forgot what we have
I didn't listen back then
But I remember to do it every day now

My depression
feels
as though
my heart has
turned
to stone
and sank my chest
so close to the ground that
I can feel the gravel
Scraping apart my raw skin
and as I float
helpless
between defeat
and perseverance, my
insides begin
to rot,
as though my
stomach acid has
crept through my veins,
disintegrating my
heart strings and
slowly consuming
my lungs
only enough so that
death seems promising
I welcome it
with open arms;
Beg for it.
And then,
I catch my
Breath
and
It begins again.

Do you realize that your smile could stop wars?
How could someone be angry in the presence of something
So rare and astounding
Something so innocent and heart warming

Do you realize that I notice you watching me?
Though you only do so when no one is around
Not often, but it seems I catch your eye on occasion
Or I'm just overly optimistic

Do you realize that your presence forces me into an unending state of anxiety?
How could someone like you
A beautiful, free spirit
Even exist in the world of
My dark and demented soul?

Do you realize how your flirting makes me feel?
The empty space in my chest enclosed upon itself
And I can't help but smile back at you
Regardless of my mood

Do you realize that I pay attention to
Every word, every time you jokingly sing to me,
Each breathtaking smile and each unnecessary statement
I feel electricity between us at times
Although I doubt you feel the same

But Do you realize that I am not available?
While I value you greatly as a human
And can acknowledge and appreciate your beauty
You are not the one I want

Do you respect my boundaries enough to not cross them?
Or would you try, given an opportunity?
And even if a part of me wishes you would
I know now that I would reject your advance immediately
Because you're not the one I love
Just a beautiful woman occupying the same space

I'm feeling stuck
Lost in this moment
What moment?
I don't even know where I am
This life is a mess
I don't want to move
I don't want to do anything
I'm tired
I'm sad
I feel like nothing
Where is my motivation?

Turns out it's anger
The rage setting fire to my veins
Is just enough to ignite the rest of me
Until I can release everything
Lost in this spiraling rage
Until I burn out again
And once more
I feel like nothing

If you're looking for a bad boy
You'll have to move along
Because I'm just as paranoid
As I am protective.

And I know I look edgy
But under my hard exterior
I am nothing but soft and sweet
And I care for you so much it hurts.

Baby I can't promise you tomorrow
But I can give you tonight
I'll do my best to give you the world
In a night you won't forget.

Because I'm damaged
Even though you see perfection
You chalk me up to Prince Charming
But I'm really just another demon

I can talk and walk like the rest
But my insides are nearly empty
I can act out the perfect script for love
But eventually I'll die from dehydration

Because as I keep moving through the world
I am feeding off the love of these poor girls
And I give them the perfect dream they wanted
Just before turning it into a nightmare

I am a snake with guilt issues
A demon thriving off innocence
I simply want to save the world
But I'm leaving it more damaged in my path

And I know you want my love
And you want my commitment
But I really think I need to be alone
To try and **** these demons before they **** me.

Things are constantly changing
But these scars on my skin make me feel better
Because even if everything else falls apart
I know they're always there for me

Everything about you is unexpected
From the vibe when we first spoke
To the safety and peace between us
When I first realized I liked you
I figured the feelings would fade away
Like ashes in the wind
Drifting into nothingness
I didn't think you'd like me back
Or that we'd ever really talk about it
Yet here I am stumbling over myself
Trying to process feelings I don't understand
A complicated and beautiful maze
Walls of green, laced with delicate flowers

My heart weighs heavy
Tipping this scale so far
Until I hit the ground
So unsure if it's the alcohol
Or these feelings
That keep me so far down

I just want to breathe
And I want to hold you
But I don't know what that means
I compartmentalize my feelings so much
All tucked sweetly away in the empty crawl spaces
Until I look in the mirror and don't know who I see

I want to feel something
Anything but this sadness leaking out
Of all the holes in all the closed doors
My mind is a maze without a map
Even though I've created it myself
I still don't know the ceilings from the floors

How can I look at your face and not hear her words?
"Just stop hurting people" she says
Trust me baby all I do is try
I try so hard to not leave scars on these beautiful souls
My instinct is to help the broken
Though as soon as I'm ready to leave they're ready to die

Babe I promise that I see you
I haven't known you long but that's never been the issue
The problem is that I can't see myself
I'll feel this love for someone one minute
And the next I could ice them out for days at a time
Left to wonder if it's actually me or just the liquor off the shelf

I don't believe in God but I'm praying now
Begging someone to help salvage this broken soul
Yet I'm still surrounded by silence
In this life you have to save yourself
But we all need help sometimes
And too much pressure leads to self-directed violence

I'm trying so hard
I just want to be ok
I just want to be free
Then I get nights like these
Choking on this random sadness
Left to question if this life is really for me

But I'm trying
And I'm growing
And this will pass one day
I just hope until then
You love me enough
To want to stay

It's mind versus defenses
Nowhere near consensus
Except that something is wrong in the offenses.
My memory is burning away
Strained and begging to stay
Rarely able to remember what happened yesterday.
I can't do this forever
It's a detriment to me and her
And it's destroying me for sure.
There's no way to apologize
For this situation's size
Because I'm under that much disguise.
There's no turning back this time
The decisions have been all mine
And it's the time for me to shine.
Only in the light of a liar
And I've already began to tire
But I swear no one will see my desire.
No, no one could even try;
As they believe the lie
They'll never see how much I really want to die.

While I likely have no rhythm
and tend to trip over my feet
that would hold back a dance.

While I have debilitating anxiety
that highlights others’ stares
I may still give it a chance.

No, see, the reason I won’t dance
has way more to do with my body
and the fact that I’m trans.

As I move through the world
I feel the weight of my identity
in both physical and mental distress.

Of course everyone has baggage
that doesn’t stop them from jiving
but not everyone has to carry it on their chest.

Dancing requires movement of my entire frame
but the person I see in my head
isn’t the one that light reflects.

How can I move without highlighting
the feminine figure my clothes conceal?

How can I jive
while hiding how my chest wiggles?

Can they tell?
Girl?
Guy?
What do they see?

The questions anchor my body to the ground
So I cannot move.
I cannot dance.

Honesty and transparency
Sounds like ******* to me
You promise me one thing
I guess that's not what you mean
The thing I was afraid of
What you promised not to do
Then as soon as we're apart
It's all about you
I'm sick of this dumb ****
I don't even care about the specifics
It's the fact that you disrespected me
And that your word doesn't mean ****
I'm stuck in this anger
Alternating with sadness
What once was great love
Has been consumed into madness
The funniest part is
You don't even know
Because I found out from a friend
To whom your promise never showed
So what do I do?
I'm consumed in these feelings
None of its positive
And my mind won't stop reeling
Then comes tomorrow
I can already see it
If I call you out
You'll go on your own fit
Because you had a bad experience
And I should just feel bad for you
But honestly right now
I want nothing to do with you

I've spent so long
Chasing after butterflies
Following the flutters
And rarely touching the ground
Mistaking the excitement of new
For the deepness of love
I've come and gone so many times
Feeling waves of lust wash over me
Partially "in" at any moment
With one foot always ready to step out
Letting the past drip away
As new feelings flood back in
In this new life I notice glimmers
The sparks of energy from before
Sunshine glinting off the water
The breeze echoing off butterfly wings
What once consumed me entirely
Now barely asks for pause

When I met you, the entire world stopped
When we kissed, the earth shifted beneath us
I fell in love with your soul as it danced with mine
That first day and every one after.

You are not the flutters, you are the life propelling them
You are not waves, but the moon commanding the sea
You are you and I am me and somehow
The Universe brought us together
I love you more than I've ever known
And I want to give you everything
My soul knows yours so intricately
And I'll love you for all of eternity

The city of fog
Just outside a city of smog
I don't want to be here
Not after an afternoon in the sun
The cool breeze and
Clean air from big trees
I could finally breathe again
No pressure
No anxiety
No haunting memories
Just myself and the universe
Running across the snow covered rocks
I could easily slip at any moment
But I felt no fear
I felt nothing but free
Yet here I am again
Trapped in an industrial city
Surrounded by death and capitalism
Sure there's some parks
Some controlled spaces of nature
But it's not the same
It's maintained and constructed intentionally
It is not free
It cannot thrive and grow without scrutiny
Take me back to the hills and trees
The rock formations unfazed by human contact
You can feel the energy within it
Even the broken trees lining the ground have life
But not here
It's all dead
Nothing is natural
We think it's beautiful because it's shaped that way
But real nature is beautiful
Simply because it exists as it is
It embodies it's own existence
And nothing compares to that

All it takes is a moment,
And all my happiness can fall into despair.
In just a split second,
I can go from having the best day ever,
To just another day of the week.
Equally though,
I can slip from an anxiety attack,
Straight into euphoric insanity.
But it isn't all causeless.
Yet the effects shouldn't be of such a great intensity.
It's like my emotions are hyped up on steroids,
And I can't keep them stable for long,
Before they return to this up and down,
Roller coaster ride called my life.

"What do we do about this?"
You ask with our hands intertwined
I breathe in my fear
Breathe it out calmly
I don't have any answers
I only know how I feel
And if they ask me if I love you
I might just say yes

Go ahead,
Hide behind some makeup and fake smiles
Make some new 'friends' and have some fun
But don't try to lie to the ones that know you best.
The ones who have been here from the start.

Let your fake smile speak fake words
Fake sympathies followed by true deceptions
Whether you mean it or not, you still say what you do.
Don't expect them not to find out.
Fool them once, shame on you.
Try to fool them when they know the truth better than you, and you become the fool.

Fine, don't care.
Throw your life away.
But when you get stuck,
And all your 'friends' have disappeared,
Don't act like you care after throwing us aside like trash.
Don't try to come back.

Chance after chance we gave you,
And we've gotten tired of waiting.

What good are words
When these feelings consume me
There's never enough syllables
To spell out what my heart says

To love and be in love
Those phrases mean nothing
The letters construct a frame
For us to place our own meaning

If I tell you I'm sad
You do not feel my pain
But when I say that I love you
You feel what I'm saying

Language holds so much power
But it limits us too
When I can't place words to my thoughts
They become simply invisible

I want to feel, yet
I want to die..no
I just want to go back
  to an easier time.
When life made sense
When people were there
When you didn't have to worry
  if they even cared.
If not for now, then what?
If not here, where would I be?
If I'd changed my mind in the beginning
  I know this wouldn't be me.
She brings me back down when
She holds my hand in hers
She usually keeps these feelings
  from getting so much worse.
Home isn't where the heart is and
Home won't set me free
Home won't stop my aching chest
  or **** this insanity.

Butterflies swarm in my lungs
Crawling along the walls of my insides
Spiraling air into currents
That chill me to my bone until I'm shivering
Whenever you look at me
With those beautiful ocean eyes
And a smile that could save the world
You send a storm of wings and rainbows
Throughout my body until
I can no longer breathe
But I'd rather suffocate as you take my breath away
Than live another empty day of not feeling

I feel your soul as you lay beside me
Sound asleep but I'm still awake
Days like these I wish I could hold onto
But this much emotion also breeds fear
Fear of hurt
Fear of pain
Fear of losing myself again
I love you
And this is hard
Even though you're under the most pressure
This situation is pushing me too
Of course it's worth it
But that doesn't make it easy
I'll always keep trying though
Because this love is worth it

I'll change my mind
Before I make a mistake
Just because there's love there
Doesn't mean it's best shared
I'll let it go and just pick up my things
You'll have someone with you already
And I hope for the best for you
You deserve to be happy
And I know I'll find my own happiness too
Because I really am happy these days
I guess it reminds me of the time
When you asked me to come with to get your things from your ex
It seems like it's just another cycle
And I hope this person is the right fit
Because clearly I wasn't
And that's honestly ok
I'll grow and so will you
It just doesn't have to be together

I never could
Yes I was hurt
But I'm not angry
And I'm not upset about it
I am just trying really hard
To grow as a person
And that's hard with any extra pressure

I understand why you're using your words
As ammo against me
Because it is a coping mechanism and
I'm sorry I couldn't handle it
Because I want to help
But right now I need to worry about me

I'm going through a lot of changes
Trying constantly to improve myself
Because I need to keep growing
And I've done so much in the past few months
More than I have in my entire life
My friends stopped worrying about me
One said she was always worried before
But now she can breathe easy because
I truly am changing

But I am not mad at you
At all
I hear you
I understand your pain
And I'm sorry I broke you again
I didn't mean to be that person
But I was
And I can't change that fact
I wish I could help you
But I don't think I can
It may seem selfish
But I really am helping myself right now
And anything else will hinder that progress

There's so much I want to do
So much I want to be
And I'm finally realizing that I have the power
To really make a difference for myself
And it's intense
But also amazing

I wish you nothing but
Love and everything good
Because you do deserve it
You are a good person
And your depression doesn't define you
Neither do your coping mechanisms

But I do not hate you
Because I know you're only human
And the only thing we all want
Is to be happy and not feel pain
That's how we're all connected
So I hope you find peace
And I hope you stay clean
Through the process of finding your truth
Because you are an amazing person
And I know you can pull through this

Limbs cut through crisp air
I am falling, back first, into the abyss
Arms flail to find ground
But only air exists here
It blows through my heart and
Out through my chest
My spinning heart a weather vane
At the mercy of gravity and earth
Convulsions flare uncontrollably
Panic awakening panic
The danger paints everything in shadows
So even the sun haunts this place
I don't want to feel this
I don't want to lose control
But in falling, that decision isn't mine
I can only accept this state
Trying to control the uncontrollable
Will only cause more harm
I need to love myself enough
To love myself when I'm not ok

Sometimes I get stuck
And it's hard to tell if I'm ok
But I can always tell that I'm unwell
When I get the urge to talk to you
You do not help me
You do not make me feel positive
And yet I have this urge
To speak to you
To give you the power to hurt me
To give you the power to break me
To take me
To abuse me
To use me
Until I am nothing more
Than an object
Your object
Not a person
Not a set of feelings
Emotionless
Dead
Yet serving a purpose
Useful
Meaningful
Something a little more than
The nothingness I feel

Freedom
In the cold breeze
Perched high on the icy stone
Snow glazed lakes spanning for miles
I feel at home
At peace
This is my element
I could touch to tops of trees
And breath unpolluted air
Careful steps to prevent slipping
And falling prey to the beauty of nature
The danger
The peace
The passion
I love it all
I am home
At last

That amazing moment
When I say I'm fine
And truly mean it.

That feeling of relief
When I no longer feel the anxiety
Tugging at my soul.

That sinking point
When I have to wonder if this is for good
Or just for the night.

I know I've been a ***** lately
And you're definitely not used to that
And even if I'm angry at you
I know you don't deserve it

You told me not to push you away
Because I'd rather get wasted than tell you how I feel
Because this **** is killing me
But if I tell you that
Nothing will change

So why would I tell you that this is the most pain I've ever felt?
Why would I tell you how much I hate this whole thing?
Why would I say that I'm fighting all my instincts to run?
Because you know I won't
Because I love you
And leaving would hurt just as bad as this

And why would I tell you I don't want you to have a third partner?
Although you kind of already do
And even staining those words on this screen
Makes me want to ******* die

We're supposed to work through ****
But what if I can't?
I know we've all felt this way
But we are not the same
You and they cried about it
So did I
A few times
But now I'm just angry and resentful
And I feel nothing aside from that
Except the urge to hurt myself

Why would I tell you that hanging out doesn't help me?
It really doesn't change anything
Because even when we're together
I accidentally see her name across your phone screen
You mention her in a story
And my insides implode and I
Immediately
Wanted
to leave

But we were in a group
And I didn't want to answer any questions
Because these thoughts feel juvenile
And my aggression that's normally hidden
Tucked deep inside where no one else can see it
Is starting to break free
And I don't know what that means

When I'm at work I want to die
But when I go home I feel the exact same
And if you had came over today
I knew it was out of pity
And I don't need that ****
You cannot fix me
Nothing helps this

I feel ******* useless
I feel replaceable
I feel angry and aggressive (because I am)
And I feel invisible
I feel like I don't matter at all
And what I feel means absolutely nothing
Because you'll do whatever you want
And even though I say that's fine
I'm ******* suffocating
And I really don't know if I can hold my breathe much longer
Before I lose myself
And leave

Overwhelmed.
Tiny screens hide big feelings.
Tell me you love me so I can breathe.
Sweet words wrap around my heart.
Constricting until I'm high
And can't feel the fear anymore.
I need to know what's real.
I know it isn't all lies,
But I can't find the line.
Blinded by electric energy,
Coursing through my limbs.
I love this and I hate this.
Convenient and damning.
The warmth of emotion permeates,
But it can't reach my core.
The anxiety and pain are rampant there.
I don't want to feel them.
I don't feel safe.
But I can't bring others down with me.
I need to face myself empty handed.
Let the emotions burn through me.
I know that I am fire proof.
So when the flames flicker to nothingness,
And I'm alone with the darkness,
I will be most simply
And most purely
Me.

I feel scared to leave my house to go for a walk
Because I'm worried I'll get mugged or *****
Any noise in my house sets off
The myriad of alarms in every cell of my body
Whether I think it's a person or a ghost
The fear fills my limbs with electricity
I feel anxious about going to the gym alone
Because I feel like everyone is staring at me
Sometimes I'm afraid to text my ex who's now a friend
Because I'm preoccupied with worrying
About what they're thinking of me
When I work as a delivery driver
I won't go into backyards at night
Anytime I am around other people
I am afraid that they will hurt me
So I keep my guard up high
Hypervigilant to any animosity
But when I think about facing real danger
I get extremely overwhelmed
If I feel this unhinged by basic life experiences
How would I ever survive a real crisis?
My fight or flight is set off so often
That it's basically become my new baseline
I know it's the PTSD that causes it
And I know that I can get better
But sometimes I just feel so hopeless
Because I want to go for simple walks
I want going to the gym to be an easy decision
I want to spend time with people
To connect with people
Without worrying that they'll hurt me
Or that they secretly hate me
I want to live my life wholeheartedly
Not constantly in fear of something unseen
I want to be able to feel and exist openly
And really have a chance to be myself
To live a life that makes me happy
And I can't do that if I'm constantly
Running from shadows and
Hiding from reality behind doors and screens
I want to break out and be free
But behind any and all of my emotions
Lies a thick layer of fear
And I just keep running