Butterflies flew through my limbs
Tickling the bone as they land
And chocking my lungs until

I can’t breathe.

So what a beautiful day
When I can allow them to fly freely
between our lips

at contact.

You ask what I’m thinking so
I pull you to the side and
Lean against you and

Nothing.

Where have those butterflies gone?
Did the poisons in my body destroy them?
Did they spawn from the sick feeling of the forbidden?

Why am I so broken?

You ask me how I feel and I panic
So I avoid the question
I don’t have the heart to tell you I didn’t

I don’t know why I feel so empty.

And worse,
That makes my problem more complicated
Because with her I feel the same nothingness
But we live together.
So I am no longer choosing between
Who I love more or who I feel with
Because I feel nothing but
Excitement in dead places for one

I am so broken that even that will leave
Eventually
So what do I do when
There’s two lives on the line

I can choose you and
Keep your heart beating
Or I can choose her and
Keep my comfortable life

Or I can choose myself
And move out into the world alone
But I am so afraid to be alone
So afraid to feel

Because what if I feel this way
Due to the mental blockades I’ve built to protect myself?
What if real, raw emotions live in my heart
But can’t escape through the chains?

Yet, what if I leave and
Find another you who
Seems to have it all

Until our lips meet

And I feel

nothing?

I was always the dreamer type
Falling into all the fantasies' hype.
So hopeful of what the future would bring
But you spoke of things you'd never mean.
Eyes of a child with the sun shining bright
I never believed clouds would ruin my sight.
Now here we are,
Life's just a scar;
Only a fading line that we can never get back
And soon enough we forget and lose track.
Years pass and each brings us farther away
Forgetting dreams of how coincided our lives would stay.
So long ago, long lost memories
Of just how close we both used to be.
Then one day comes along
And everything returns with lyrics of a song.
With so much emotion surfaced to feel
Your heart's scars are suddenly not so healed.
And you cry, oh how you cry
And your grandchild asks you why.
So begins the sad tragedy
Of a friendship that used to be.

I don’t wear sweaters much
Especially in the summer
But after a few hours of your embrace
My clothes smell like your detergent.
So I’ll peel off my binder
Strip down to my boxers
And replace that sweater
So I can sleep better.

Tempting desires,
Potential relapses,
Have this amazing ring;
They sound so good.
The pain is so enticing,
It keeps pulling me in closer,
To feeling alive;
I'm finally sure I am.
By a cut through the haze of daily life
And through a part of thin skin
Yeah I'm masochistic;
More like addicted to pain.
One way or another
Inflicted by you
Or by my own hands.
It's been so long
And healed scars don't show anymore.
The stories they hold now buried into nothing.
My stories
My life
Faded and I can no longer remember
The road I took to get here.

I see all the signs,
That you're just like the rest.
Should be déjà vu,
cause it's always been the same.

And if history really does repeat itself,
Then I guess it'll be the same end.
Yet I am still willing to try it out,
Just the way I was before.

Such bad habits I have,
To like the wrong people and commit to them the most.
And they're all so similar,
That it's laughable that I keep making the same mistake.

Especially when I have someone great right in front of me,
Who's different than the rest.
One who really cares,
And doesn't hurt me.

But who I hurt instead,
More than a few times.
Yet I can't commit to her,
I can't be who I want and know I can be for her;
I can't be what she deserves.

And I just don't know why.

So maybe I'm attracted to people who are just like me:
Conniving ******* who do what they feel.
Ones who don't care who they hurt in the process,
As long as they're happy in the end.

And I'm sorry to that girl who's been there by my side,
When she's had a million reasons to leave.
The one I keep treating terribly,
Because I can't make up my own mind.

So when this one doesn't work out,
When you turn out just the same as the last.
I'm not gonna keep coming back the way I used to,
I can't do that to her anymore.

She deserves the world,
And I can't even give her half a ******* up  heart.
But I know I can try to be better;
Better for her and better for myself.

And that's a promise I can actually keep.

Simultaneously I experience love
Three sources
Not three divisions
My love for one
Cannot define or change
My love for the others
Endless
This love is fearless
Despite the terror I often feel
New territory brings out new emotions
But it's allowing me to grow as a person

Sadness and numbness collide
It feels like too much and I'm not alright
I can tell something's wrong inside
If it weren't so hard I'd give up on this fight
A piece of me wants to get better
Other parts just want my demise
So back and forth my mood tremors
So many thoughts that they all sound like lies
I'm too anxious to even discuss it
Too many choices I make make it worse
The doctors say drugs do not help this
But this bottle's relief and a curse
It's so hard to complain since I know that
My own actions add weight to this burden
I crave an escape but I forget
Not even those will stop this hurting

You’re poisonous and I’m addicted to
the burning in my throat, it’s wildfire
with each word you share, lightly brushing stories
of the topics I most detest and cannot
force myself to simply forget. So
instead, I try to shrug it off with darker tales
from my past, but you continue
and surpass them with ease,
these claws of flames only rising,
tearing into my soul, soon to combust with
my distress and rage.
I dramatize an unethical kiss with a boy,
you mention five more; I hint at a taste
for Captain’s, you prefer wraps and bowls.
The newly tasted nicotine tears at my
lungs, simply to spite you: you smoke it,
so why can’t I?
Backfire.
I am no longer smart
enough to accept things as they are,
to my knees I surrender to your soul, but
I cannot let go of the grudges and the confusing discomfort
that comes with learning certain personal traits of yours. I cannot
live in vulnerability below you, but these concrete bones
cement my legs to the floor,
so, instead, I blaze my own morals with
my own choices, putting my health at risk
with my own stupidity,
creating new vices, this poisoning smoke,
and a dependence on more
than just myself.

I know I've felt happy lately
But you don't see how close
The darkness really is
Threatening my neck with every step

I am ashamed of what I've done
To you and others alike
But that's why I'm trying to change
It's why I'm growing into a better person

Believe it or not
Worrying too much about others is
At least in part
Why I've hurt so many people
I try to save these broken people
But I hurt them more in the end
Because I was listening to their desires
Without thinking about myself
Without realizing what I truly feel

Trust me for once
It isn't easy to live this life
I am not proud of my past
I am not proud of my choices
But I really am trying
I really am changing

I know you think it's too late
But there's nothing that could change
The fact that I hurt you this bad
All I can do is learn from my mistakes
And stop myself from hurting anyone else

Because even though I'm happier these days
I still hate myself for what I've done
You think I'm standing on the bones
Of the lovers who I've hurt
Just to get myself ahead
But those skeletons live in my mind
And they're not tucked nicely away in closets
They're scattered in unexpected places
Drowning me in endless flashbacks
Burning the skin where they've touched me
Their goodness destroyed by my darkness
Those memories destroy me
But I'm trying to get better

And since I can't change the past
That's all I have to hold on to

You are
Positively radiant,
One of the sun's beams
Parting storm clouds
And shining down on
The fields below

You expel sweetness so intense
That you could bloom flowers
In the palm of your hand
But the kindest soul you possess
Leads you to provide them only for others,
unselfishly brightening the world more and more each day

My love, you are the epitome of beauty and passion
Raging against the winds that
Threaten our hearts
But we are warriors,
with love shielding the bullets of hatred
And arrows of ignorance
That try to destroy us

Our love,
one that burns deep as fire
Scorching everything in its path
Only to create more beauty beneath
The ash

Whether we share the same air
Or watch the moon at separate moments
Our hearts still beat the same
Thriving off of tested patience
And locking arms after times of worry
And painful sorrow

My darling, you provide a safe space for my broken soul
Sheltering and nurturing it back
Until I finally feel myself again
I owe you the world, and
one day,
Even if not today,
I will give you everything I am

Our dreams flourish in a hope
I knew not of until you entered my life
One that promises endless kisses, beautiful love, furry kittens, and
Moments that feel like the end
but will never truly be so
Because while those times may trap our minds
Torturing them until we scream in confusion
I guarantee
I will never not love you

Because
you understand my past,
intensify the present,
And help create our future
In your perfect mind

And in your gorgeous ocean eyes,
Deep and infinite,
I will swim forever

Why is my mind
Convincing me I'm bored
As I sit across my love
We're both working on our art
In this beautiful coffee shop
We're an interesting team
Only an arm's length between
Blue and purple hair
I know I am not bored
My brain is simply on a strike
There's a lot of painful thoughts
Anchoring my heart into darkness
"Boredom" is not correct
I simply cannot find an escape
Strong enough right now
To pull me back out
Back into living this life
I'd rather repress all of the pain
(Though it blunts all of my positive feelings too)
I'd rather simply hide behind
A phrase so simple as
I'm bored

So sensitive we are
Deeply sunk in our love
With it we keep each other afloat
Through this toxic river of life
Even though we both love another
And recognize the depth of our feelings together
We still experience tremoring fear
In the face of the other's other

So sweet, innocent, divine
A gorgeous face and a beautiful mind
Like her, your words steal my attention
Intriguing my mind to seek your affection
And like she did, you notice my charm
Quite unusual, yet satisfyingly warm
No surprise that our conversations run deep
And even late at night we don't always sleep
Do I see the parallels, plaguing my vision
To mirror you closely to my last proposition?
Are the warning signs blazing?
The sirens screaming?
They don't warn to discontinue
Simply to ensure great caution too
Different, very much, you seem
Yet there she sits, haunting my dreams
And the similarities are enough to compare
(But I wonder if they're ficticious or truly there)
I know that I'm crazy,
no doubt my mind's reeling
But I'm also so broken
That I'm afraid to start feeling.

The walls are up, I can feel them
My hands skim the cool wire fence that
Separates me from my inner workings
The edge of my consciousness
I want to get inside
A false sense of bravery is all it is
Because when the gate opens and I walk in
The feelings throw me to the ground
With a force I can't understand
Holding me down by the throat
Bits of past horrors flash across my vision
Thick adrenaline floods my muscles
But I can't breathe
I can't use the energy to fight or flee
I'm trapped
I can hear voices whispering darkness
Insults and judgement whipping my flesh
I can't move
I can't even blink
And suddenly I can
But my body is once more
Curled up against
That cold cold barrier
And I want inside again

To my ex-girlfriend's rebound,

I was the one who told her you were gay,
so, in a way,
your experience was my fault
and for that I am sorry

While she did not cheat on me with you, you still served a purpose to her in a time of loneliness,
Those moments where she led you to believe that she cared for you and that she wanted something more

And I'm not mad at you for falling for her.
You've seen her,
you've heard her,
felt her touch and
the fire she lit inside when she looked at you

But you also felt the burn of her
leaving you.
You felt the prospect of having time with her tomorrow being ripped away like an old band aid

I know that feeling all too well,
See
I was not quite angry at you for kissing her-- or rather, letting her kiss you and falling for her inconsistency--I felt betrayed

Seeing as I knew you from class where
We'd shared deep poetry with one another,
and though we never spoke individually,
you heard the words that bled from my paper,
you could undeniably feel my devotion to her,
my undying love,
her unbearable significance in my life.
And then you had to rip a band-aid off of me too,
Simply to make yourself feel better

While I'm more than grateful that you disclosed your relations with her,
Trying to guilt trip me and hyperbolize the experience?
That is from where my problem grew

You made it out like I stole her from you when my biggest sense of pride in that relationship came from the fact that I
NEVER
Not even once
Tried to contact her after she broke up with me

Yes,
in the moment I begged for her back

But once I left her bedroom,
That was it.

Yes,
every inch of me cracked under that pressure caused by the sense of drowning that came with her letting me go

And **** right I cried myself to sleep every night
Dreaming that she'd come back

And,
for the second time,
She did.

When she called me that night,
at 3am balling her eyes out
Though skeptical,
I was there for her
She begged for a chance at forgiveness
And I gave it to her

Little did I know that
that same night
You had peeled yourself from her pillows when she asked you to leave
After all the
"kissing"
"cuddling" and
"compliments"

And yet
She.
Called.
Me.

So while I still hold resentment toward you for your vengeance toward me
I thank you for being honest with me, even with the intended malice behind your disclosure

And I shouldn't hold on to this anger any longer:

I heard the pain in your voice when you came for your shoes and found me in her bed instead

I felt your anger as you flaunted your experience with her

And I know your pain at the realization that she lied to you and it all meant very little to her

She did it to me too

Then again, this grudge may be one of the last things still connecting me to her
And maybe I'm not ready to let that go

My palm pressed to your chest
I connect to your energy
Your heartbeat, warm and familiar,
Is the rhythm of love and of you
You glide your nose along mine
A soft connection of energy
I am brought to my knees
By such simplicity
The way that you smile
When I tell you you're pretty
That freckle on your hand
I can't help but kiss
I'd hold you in my arms forever if I could
As our souls sleep hand in hand
I breathe you in like nicotine
And I want to give you everything
Support, peace, and space
Safety, love, and grace
You've shown me new parts of myself
And I want to return the favor
Together we can grow and explore
A world unknown that feels like home

It's not easy to revisit our memories
I am not quite sure why
Maybe I actually did love you
Did? Do? Done
I don't know
Maybe I didn't and
It's too hard to admit

Maybe I am a mindfuck
That just likes playing games
Feeling empowered
By breaking bones and hearts on my way up
Seeking control when I'm feeling lost

Maybe I'm ashamed
Because I know I hurt you badly
I kept blaming you too
"We weren't right"
"You were too dependent"
"You were too invested"

Maybe it was me
I don't know what I feel
I don't necessarily regret the break
I do miss you sometimes though
We weren't great at the end
We were definitely something though

Maybe I miss your friendship
Getting ice cream together after it all
That's a memory I can't forget
It was hard for us both
I never told you that though
How do I tell you that
I didn't think we could be friends
Because I couldn't handle it
When it still doesn't mean we should be together again?

Maybe it really was the pressure
"Soulmates"
That's a loaded explanation
You know I crack under that kind of intensity
It's not your fault though
It's easy to desire the untouchable
Especially once you've touched me

Maybe we will never speak again
Maybe we will
Either way I need you to know I'm sorry
Genuinely

Maybe it's because I recently felt
Something similar to the way you might have
Because when someone you love
Desires another
It could **** you

Maybe it was easy to delete the pictures
Simply because I am running away from memories
Maybe I don't want to face these demons
They always catch up eventually

Please just remember
You are strong
You are worth love
You are beautiful
You will find someone who treats you right
You are enough on your own though
You deserve everything good and
You will survive this storm

They think I'm not eating
That must explain why
They keep trying to feed me.
I think they feel
My more pronounced hip bones
When leaning in to hug me.
Close up they may notice
How my clothes hang much looser now.
Do my arms look less filled in?
Have my cheeks began to cave?
Probably not.
Don't worry about me.
I'll be fine.
My stomach feels better now,
Although it's begun to burn more often,
But I don't care.
Because the closer I get to dying
The more I feel alive

I can never own a gun
Because if I did
I'd be dead.

The truth is I'm terrified
Everyday I try to unravel my feelings
But, as soon as I do,
I run from them
And they get tangled once again in my heels

Because if I tell you how I feel
And really, truly let my heart free
I become so vulnerable to the world:
You alone would have the power to destroy me
And that scares the life out of me

I'm afraid because I've been hurt before
After never believing I'd fall in love
Suddenly I did, but then
My fairytale took a sharp turn on a dark road
And now I don't know what love looks like
Or how it feels
Because even over 6 months later
I'm not completely healed
And I don't know if I ever will be

But when I look into your eyes
Even just in your direction
A spark flickers inside me
Destroying the darkness I've grown so accustomed to
And for the first time in a long time I feel like me again
I no longer feel like there's a piece missing
With your hand set securely in mine
I am whole once again
And I couldn't ask for anything more
Because you are already perfect darling

I'm done with nonsense,
Done with sweating over pointlessness;
Turning a small nothing
into a crazed something.
Done caring for the material things,
And instead truly living for the little moments;
The little details that make a moment special.
Like the rain against our backs,
As we spill hidden truths,
Echoing against wind's resistance,
Into the darkness.
And at that moment we're invincible;
Nothing can touch us,
And everything makes sense.
For once we understand each other,
While discussing our inability to understand the world around us.
But it's all okay.
Because for that moment in time,
Nothing else matters.

Stepping back into my life;
You know as well as I do,
That it's a dangerous move.

Don't play with my head,
Its true, I've began to lower my walls again,
But I can also get hurt once more, greater than I've been.

Everyone deserves a second chance,
But I give it to you in caution;
I can't turn back, on all the progress I've gotten.

So my mind will do it's best,
To make sure my heart stays in line,
And doesn't cross these boundaries, laid so fine.

I question myself,
And question your intent,
Hoping that my next decision doesn't end in regret.

So good luck,
I truly wish you well,
Because this time, I won't be the one who fell.

Take me as I am
Or take yourself away.
I'm sick of all your lies
And all your little games.
I'm seeing just how crazy it is,
That I haven't realized this before;
How much you play, and how fake you are.
If I had, I'd have never opened my door.

Trying to justify yourself
By turning things back on me.
But I no longer feel sorry for
The ***** you turned out to be.
Get mad because I 'ignored' you,
When you tried to fake a smile.
Sorry I didn't expect that one,
Haven't seen it in a while.

So now you turn your head away from me
When I tried to catch your eye.
To acknowledge you as you wanted
Intent turned from a sorry to just goodbye.
But if that's really what you wanted,
To walk away alone.
You could've just been honest
And I'd have let you go.

Instead you decided to hurt me more
Pulling me further through this hell.
The burning flames of liking you
Consumed me as I fell.
And you just stood there and watched
Beckoning me farther on that track.
And as soon as I was close enough
You changed your mind and stepped back

I can't tear down these walls on my own
But I can stand up and fight these demons all alone.
I know that what I do isn't right
Yet I forget that in the midst each day's fight.
So call me a poser, call me fake
But I only do it for your own sake.
Before you get too attached
And find out I'm no perfect match.
I'll push you out as far as I can
So you won't see how weak I really am.
Then again maybe all I really need
Is for someone to truly see,
That these involuntary walls
Only take the work of two to fall.
It's just no one has found it worth the time
Or had the desire to call me 'Mine'.

I'm here for you
Whenever you need me
I do everything I can
To make sure you're alright
but I need you.
There's a battle in my heart
And in my head
It's tearing me apart
and I need you
You said you're here for me
But you rarely are when I need it most
And it kills me
I need you.
But it's the same with everyone
I'm the friend who helps them up when they fall
But as I'm slowly slipping
There's no one there to catch me
Please prove you're different
I need you
I'd never admit it to anyone else
For I hate feeling vulnerable
I hide behind a mask of strength
But solitude kills me
I need you
I'm willing to let you in
Let my guard down and open up
Just don't let my image fool you
Don't leave me
*because I need you

A promise is nothing.
It means nothing,
anymore.
Only spoken words,
no emotion.
Like your fingers are crossed behind your back and you could care less.
You can lie so easily now.
To your friends, to my face.
Does sincerity mean anything to you?
With your fake sympathy
And broken stories
As if you could understand me.
You can't.
You won't.
I promise you that.
Or does that make it a challenge?

How are you still here?
Are you locked in a maze of my memories?
Trying franticly to escape and
screaming your way into consciousness

New pills but the same tunes
It’s been so long and yet some days

It feels like I’m still trapped

In the personal hell you constructed for me

You owned not only the key
Nor the concrete windowless walls
Nor the velvet-thick darkness surrounding me
as I begged for you to let your light in again
but you owned me too

You didn’t even need chains to keep me there
My heavy heart held me down more than any metal could
I can’t even say I escaped
Because you

let me go

Twice

Both times reopening the deadbolts to call me back
And obediently I came crawling in

And then you shoved me out again
This time without warning

The light burned my eyes and my skin
My hands bled as I scratched at the door
Tears choking all the words back to my stomach
And when I couldn’t feel anything anymore
I grabbed a knife

and carved a map into my skin
Desperately waiting for you to call me back again
But you didn’t

And I’d like to say that I’m ok now
That you no longer torture me
But I’m not.
And you still do.

Of course she helps
I swear someone sent an Angel
And I’m not worthy of her
But she still loves me
And I’m terrified that one day
my demons will tear through her wings
just like you tore through my heart
And though she helps mend it again

It will never be whole again

Because you stole a piece for your own sick collection.

I feel lost and alone
Wandering through this darkness
What used to be my light
Dwindles in the distance

We feel so far away
So disconnected from our souls
I feel as though I'm nothing now
That if I chose to leave
Your life would not change
At least not in a bad way

You'd have more time for others
More time for yourself
Less stress from the nerves I break
You wouldn't have to be angry either
One less person to make time for
One less perspective to look through
You could actually leave then
No one left to hold you back

I would be nothing again
An empty memory you could forget
Maybe something small to look back on
Maybe I'm not even worth that

And as my soul bleeds out these feelings
It's odd to recognize we're still together
Sometimes I feel so alone in this
Other times I know I am

Deep within my being, I know it still lives
I see a minute glimpse of hope
When I can still smile through the broken glass
That has torn my heart and body
To Nothing.
She was my world, the first
To bring forth this sliver of myself
That had been stuck inside the darkness of my broken mind for so long
My sunshine
Radiant, glowing, lighting a space I knew not of
But leaving shadows to play
Along the walls of my mind
And turning the screaming in my head
Into the deepest beat of my heart
That has ever existed.

My sapphire sweetheart,
If I ever dispel my feelings in
A lie that you were not my everything,
Then the devil that held us together
Will deny me the right to sanity.
For this love lasts forever.
And though I'm past the romance,
The God-forbidden fruit we devoured so quickly,
You will still be in my heart
As the key to understanding myself
And proving against my entire ruin of beliefs
That I am more than I thought I could ever be
So thank you, and I hope you sleep peacefully.

Anxiety-free living
What a glorious experience
For the first time in my life
I feel like I can be myself
Without fear
Without regret
I am here
I am free
Instead of waiting out in my car
I entered the coffee shop alone
Ordered food
And a drink
I asked for a minute to think
Unapologetically
And was not overrun with worries
Of whether the cashier was judging me
Or waiting impatiently for me to decide
I simply took charge of my space
Took charge of my time
And it may seem like a meaningless thing
But to me
Where anxiety has always led my life
This is *everything

Dear God,
If there is a god
Why aren't you listening?
I'm not going to sit here and question "why me?"
No, I've accepted my life for what it is.
But I'd like to know why them?
Why are you going to let my best friends die?
If you're so great and powerful,
Then why don't you save them?
show some pity and give them something?
Some reason, some sort of hope to keep going.
I'm trying.
I'm trying harder than you can imagine.
Trying to do what they say your job is.
They need a light, a reason to live, and they
Can't find it.
I'm doing all that I can.
But it isn't enough.
They still want to die, still see no point in living,
But I hope you know that if they go I'll be soon to follow
They're my life, besides my family, Hell they are family.
I don't sit here and wonder "why me?"
Instead I break the silence with screams of
Why NOT me?
Why do they have to suffer and I have things going well?
Why take them? What did they do to deserve this?
I'm the sinner. The one who should die, not them
God how can you take them and
Leave me here to die anyways?
Why not take me and spare them the sorrow?
I hope you know you're taking three lives with you that night.

I feel so alone
Even though we're still together
You've got two other partners now
And I tried to find one other
but that didn't work either
Because I didn't feel the connection I feel with you
And I honestly don't think I ever will
And I hate that
I resent you for that
Because I am dying right now
And I want to ******* run
But if I leave I'll die anyways
So what's the point?

I lived with depression
For almost my entire life
And this hurts more than that
I've been cheated on many times
By many loves
And this hurts more than that
I take blades to my shins
And this hurts so much more than that
Cause that's the only thing that sets me free anymore

Because I am ******* trapped
You've taken all of the control away from me
And I know it's not intentional
But I can't stop this anger
It's consuming me and I'm taking it out on you
Parts of me want to

But mostly I want to be alone
Because I'm a ******* mess right now
And I feel entirely isolated anyways
And having people around will only hurt more
Because it doesn't change anything
Nothing does
And I don't know if it ever will

They call it "chemistry"
But it feels like much more to me

Everything else ceases to exist
So nothing but Us is relevant

Our souls found a secret place
A quiet piece of the universe's space

Somewhere to breathe and intertwine
Your energy dancing with mine

A place where people rarely meet
Yet we found ourselves so naturally

And maybe it's insanity
But you feel like magic to me

Why is it so hard for me
To tell you that
I want to spend my life with you?
You see me
In a way that
No one else has
You've heard my story
Really listened to me
And yet you still stuck around
I love you
Undeniably and unapologetically
But I'm still afraid
I can't tell when I'm pulling away
But I promise
It is not intentional
My feelings haven't changed
If anything they've grown more
And that's terrifying
Because what I feel for you
Is entirely incomparable
To anything else I've ever felt
You mean everything to me
And even though it's hard to admit
I need you

Amongst the purple clouds
My mind swims so freely
Thoughts of you are overwhelming
And my chest aches in withdrawal
From this new experience

It all feels so fast
But addictions often are
Pulsating heart
Your words alone intensify it's beat
Your touch makes it race even faster
But it also pulses deep

Even as time passes
These feelings grow more intensely
I can't imagine how that's possible
But I'm lost in this world with you
Warmth spreads through my body
As we lay in the silent darkness

This feels like peace
Our own escape from the universe
We've created our own dimension
Comprised of vulnerability and intimacy
Driven by anarchist tendencies
It feels nearly untouchable

You're my drug of choice
And I'm high on this love
Buzzing from your smile
And your laugh fuels my soul
I am finally present
In these beautiful moments with you

Our hands meet in the dark
Under the influence of these feelings
I know I could chase this high forever

Do you ever feel like forgetting everyone?
Just throwing every friend away like it's nothing?
Often it seems as though I'm nothing to them
So why not be just that?
***** being a nice person
***** everyone taking you for granted
And just do what's best for yourself for once.
Why should i feel like this?
I guess once i can't do anything for someone anymore
It seems the time to move on and let them forget.
I feel as though i am nothing
And it seems they feel the same
So why stick around.

I thought I lost the best part of me
When you walked out so easily
Now I realize that you leaving
Saved the deepest part of my sanity
You tortured my mind and made me sick
I'm ****** in the head from all your ****
I wasn't wrong to love you
No, I was wrong to stay
But I know in my heart that
You'll regret it one day

Cause you broke me down
And destroyed my heart
I gave you my all
Now I want out!
You left so long ago but
Left this curse on me
I'm finding escape
In **** I don't believe
But What else can I do
When I never ******* sleep

The years of these blades
And the gallons of poison
In no way compare
To the place you have me in
Conditioned my mind
To sensor my thoughts
Just to avoid
The brutal nights when we fought
And I was never enough
It was always the same
Even when you ****** up
I was always to blame

Cause you broke me down
And destroyed my heart
I gave you my all
Now I want out!
You left so long ago but
Left this curse on me
I'm finding escape
In **** I don't believe
But What else can I do
When I never ******* sleep

All those nights spent alone
When I needed you most
Should have been enough
To convince me to go
But no, I stayed with you
Did whatever you'd say
I became your slave
Your personal outlet every ******* dayy
Ugh

*******! For all that you did to me
*******! For the haunting memories
They're burning my heart
And plaguing my mind
You cannot escape what you cannot unwind

You said you loved me
***** you don't know how to love
You only play your childish games
And run away when life gets rough
Ugh

Cause you broke me down
And destroyed my heart
I gave you my all
Now I want out!
You left so long ago but
Left this curse on me
I'm finding escape
In **** I don't believe
But What else can I do
When I never ******* sleep

Although this seems so new
I’ve known you for years
And while you’ve grown up a lot
Since our days of kissing on concrete
Your soul emits the same beautiful waves
That I fell in love with 5 years ago.

So as we walk around the pet store today
My heart is screaming
I love you
And the anxiety squeezes my organs into nothingness
Pouring acid through my insides
And burning until I build up the courage
To translate my internal dialogue
Into something real
Because it’s not real if I don’t say it

*I’m ready to say it

My ex called me the other day
We ordered something together
And she wanted to drop it off to me
I didn't want to see her
I didn't know how to tell her that either
After I told her I wasn't home
She decided to tell me that she missed me
That she hasn't stopped thinking about me
In the moment I stayed silent
I knew I didn't miss her
I wasn't letting myself think about her
Now that I think about it
I wonder if she actually meant it
Or if she was just so used to saying it
Because I've heard that same line
So many times from her
But her words stopped mattering to me
Because her actions never matched them
And sure enough
Later that night she wanted to exchange things
But I was busy so I told her no
The next morning I offered to stop by
Even though I was scared to see her
But she was angry at me again
Probably because she knows
That I know she's not worth it
Not for me at least
And I do feel sad that
She might feel so bad about herself
That she relies on her ex's commitment to her
To define her worth
And I hope she finds help for that
And I hope she finds happiness
Because I do still love her
But I'm done

Alone I ponder of how life works,
Giving me exactly what I've wanted
Then taking it away just as quickly.
Now, miles away, I still think of that night;
Things made sense for a moment.
In the dark, music playing,
We didn't have to say much.
For we knew how we felt together:
Alive.
As our lips met i couldn't help but smile,
I felt it in my heart.
And I don't feel much anymore.

I have bad thoughts
Of beautiful things
The color red
Oozing from my pale skin
The simplicity of a clean line
Only to be ruined by smeared blood
Why do these thoughts haunt me?
Am I obsessed with my own pain?
Or simply so ****** up
That I find beauty
In the face of my demons

I feel them inside my head
Thoughts digging pathways into my brain
Repeating our conversation over and over
And over and over again.

Sentences, turned every direction
Up and down, repeatedly
Breaking apart your every word
Like what did you ~really~ mean?

Panic floods my bloodstream
But after only half of your sentence
I have to remember the second piece too
Then I can breathe again.

Irrationality claws at my heart
Doubt and fear suffocate me
But I want to believe you
I want to believe.

But what if my brain is right?
And what if you're wrong?
I pull reality sharply back into focus
As my thoughts tell me I'm crazy.

Inhale peace and exhale doubt
I have to let go of these questions
I love you, I love you, I love you
One day I'll be able to believe you.

You put up a wall and I tried to climb
But the jagged stones were coated in poison
One ***** sent death straight to my heart
And now I cannot breathe

And the next day I return to that place
To find that the wall has been dismembered
But that toxic chemical still courses through my veins
And I can't just let you see

I know you didn't mean it
But **** it's killing me
I know it wasn't your intent
But the poison's burning me

It's eating at my organs and arteries
Until blood floods my lungs again
And when you kiss me
I give in but at a distance
Cause you don't deserve this feeling
And I don't deserve to breathe

Does it make me a murderer.
if I know he's going to see decease?
I've tried and tried but
one can only fight so long for peace.
Before all the battles and repressed memories
run themselves out of space.
And when everything in life fades away
because stress forces all your day's thoughts to erase.
He begged me to tell him to leave
something I would never say.
But is not doing what he asked
just the same anyways?
He told me I could save him
because he can't live without me.
No bother reminding him that I'm here
I know too well what he really means.
I knew exactly what he wanted
what he said could be an assist.
But I couldn't do that to her
no matter how he would persist.

Hallways of stone
My knees scrape against the cold lifeless floor
As condensation soaks into the fabric of my existence
I came looking for you and I found myself
Lost
Fallen before a door, densely metallic
No one in, no one out
There used to be light here once.
We could move through pathways freely
Tracing the space between our selves
Settling in one another with fluidity.

I am here alone now.

I write you letters often
Little invitations to return
Back to a place we used to be
Back when I could find you here
There was resistance then too
But you opened the door if I knocked enough
Fists pleading with steel gates
My hands are broken now
They were broken before but
Now
I stopped to bandage them

Do your walls have windows?
Can you still see me here?
Desperately craving connection
Hoping for a moment to see you
To feel your soul's energy again
For this hallway to hold life once more
Or am I invisible without the sound?
Without the pushing and fighting,
Do I cease to exist?

I know this isn't about me
Things are not that simplistic
But I thought
I taught you
How to love me


I tell you I feel disconnected
And you say You'll be fine
Right.
Ok.
I'm still here if you need anything
Still waiting in these damp halls
Alone with the hope of something more
Because I believe in you and in us
But I won't beg you to love me

Theres a tear in my heart
And it hurts like hell
I don't want you to see me
But the pain is real

I'm afraid for when you leave
Because I already feel disconnected
You ask me what I need
But nothing you say can help this

I want to stay in the moment
To feel through this together
I'm tracing the lines in your face
Because you are all I want to remember

Your lips, soft like clouds
Melt into my own
Despite the contact
I want to be closer
There's hunger in this
The craving runs deep
Together we are electricity
With energy born in a simple stare
We move like the ocean
In currents and waves
A secret choreography
Only our bodies know
Teasing and tussling
My teeth close on your skin
Painting you purple and red
I leave imprints of me all over you
To remind you that you're mine
The marks are emotions personified
I want you to know how I feel
I like you and I love your company
And a week always feels too long
I could drown in the depths of your eyes
They're mysterious and blue like the sea
Our souls meet in these moments
As I am entirely entranced by you
I want to hold you close
And I want to keep you safe
I want to hear your hurts
As well as all your dreams
I am grateful to be in your life
And that you're a part of mine

Sitting in silence
Waiting for sound.
You know it's promised
And soon will be found.
Either the vibration of a gun shot
Or that of my phone,
Will tell me the ending
Here (or not) alone.
The silence is taunting
Then an explosion breaks free
But it's only some fireworks;
Scared the **** out of me.
He is not lying
No, not this time
This could be his end
And mentally mine.
But I feel in my heart
All his hidden strength
I do my best to keep him living
But to what length?
I love him more than most,
That's my best friend
Please don't let him leave us
This isn't the end.