Her smile didn’t reach her eyes.

I
Said I’ll see
You tomorrow
But
For him
Tomorrow never
Came.

It was an endless November,
Turned into a cold December,
Let’s hope January is forgiving.

I killed someone for you-
And you were glad I did

I killed someone for you-
So you sold my soul for the highest bid

I killed someone for you-
You said it’d set me free

I killed someone for you-
What  I didn’t know
Was that the one I killed
Was me.

When I was four my brother use to catch me snakes, and my sister would buy me donuts, my dad would take me fishing, and my mom would sing to me.

When I was five, my brother could only call me to say he missed me, my sister would write me letters, my dad would drink until the wee hours of the morning,
And my mom was just gone.

I remember sitting in the court house wondering what was happening

“He can have her”

And that was the last time my family was together.

My dad raised me on his own.
A single alcoholic father, raising a little girl
Was not something people were use too.

We lived in a small town, and so they would whisper about the mother who left me behind, and the father that was always drunk.

But even at 5 years old I didn’t mind being alone. My father loved me with all he had, I knew that in my bones.

So the years passed, just the two of us, in a house with empty bedrooms but not empty hearts. I became accustomed to taking care of my fathers hangovers, and walked myself to school, and every Mother’s Day I made my dad a card and picked my neighbors flowers to put in a vase. Though I wondered where my mother was, and why my siblings lived somewhere else, I never once wished my life where different. It was all I knew.
I learned to catch my own snakes, and my dad would buy me donuts, and take me fishing, and sing for me.

From time to time I’d cry silently in my bedroom, wondering why they left. But as I got older I understood that not every family is meant to stay together, that not everyone who has kids is ready to raise them, and that people can fall out of love.

These were all hard lessons, and I learned them early on, but I wouldn’t change a thing, it made me who I am.

My father did finally get sober, and my mother came back into my life, my brother had children, they hang off my arms when I visit, my sister calls me every week, I even have a new brother who looks up to me.

The three paper routes I had as a kid to help my father pay the bills taught me the importance of hard work, the long nights my dad partied taught me to appreciate a good nights sleep, and my family’s separation taught me to cherish what you have.

Nothing’s promised, anything can be taken, so live your life without regrets.
And don’t forget to tell your dad you love them, tell your mother your forgive her, and hug your siblings as often as you can.

He has the most beautiful eyes, like I’m looking into two perfect pools of green. They sparkle like the stars and put the colors of the ocean to shame, and god when he smiles my world stops. Everything orbits around him like he’s the center of the galaxy. And he has no idea that he’s the center of mine.

I should have paid more attention to the things you threw away;
If I had, maybe I’d still have my broken heart today.

Is it just me?
Or
Does everyone have
Their first heartbreak
At
Sixteen.

Most of us are just paper planes,
Trying to become origami cranes.

Percocet
*******
Xanax
OxyNEO

And god knows what else.
You keep telling me “I’m not high I swear! I’m just tired”
But your lips are tinged blue, you have saliva in the creases of your mouth, your body is frail and sickly looking, your skin so white it’s almost transparent. Your eyes are swollen, glossy, and gaunt, your cheeks are sunken, your hair is tangled and unwashed.

“I’m not high I swear!”

But I don’t believe you. How many times have you said that to me only to confess later that you were, that you found a pill and didn’t have the self control not to take it.

“I’m not high I swear”

Yet you randomly smack your head, blurt out random words and nonsense, forget entire conversations, fall asleep mid sentence.

You said you were clean. But the very next day I get a call telling me that you’ve been arrested for a DUI, you had Xanax and Oxyneos in your toxicology report.

I’m afraid to answer my phone when it rings, I always fear it will be the call that tells me you’ve overdosed.

You said “I don’t need to go to rehab, I can quit myself”
But if that were true, you’d be clean by now. It’s been over a year since you told me you were addicted to pills.
At first it was just a perc or two, and now you are a full blown opioid abuser.

You’ve become the thing you hated most. An addict that can’t admit that they have a problem.

“Im not high I swear”

I can’t count how many times you’ve said that, how many times you lied to my face. So many times I never want to hear those words come out of your mouth again.
But I know I will, and I know I’ll go home and cry after and pray to god you wake up tomorrow.

I just want my best friend back, the kind and honest loving girl you use to be.
I’m tired of the you you’ve become.
The girl that lies, that steals, that is wasting away.

If only you never took that first pill.

“How come the saddest writes
Seem to get all the likes?”

There’s literally a proverb for that,
Misery loves company;

Even in the 21st century.

Autumn leaves blowing in the breeze,
Cool wind against my skin,
The seasons are changing as fast as I am,
So what does that mean for us?
Our summer romance is over,
Dry your tears before September turns them to dust,

Bundle up, wrap your arms in cotton,
Guard your heart against the winter chill that’s coming,
Build a fire to thaw your frigid limbs,
I can hear your bones crackling in the flames,

When spring arrives I hope some of our love survives,
These changing seasons,
as they flutter by,
Our skin once fresh and smooth,
Turned stiff and cracked like uncured   leather,

Where did the time go I wonder?
Our youth swallowed by time,
Taken in flashes of quickly aging months,
How many summers passed us by while our heads were in the clouds?

How long before we join the pebbles beneath our feet?
Will we get a chance to see one last season of bare trees,
A sea of red and orange littered upon the ground,
We are changing faster than the seasons.

I know I should be done with you,
And Every time I’m ready to let you go,
I see your ocean eyes,
That dimple,
My whole world in one pupil,
And I can’t let you go,
They say the devil is charming,
But even he has nothing on you.

I can't explain my feelings to you they’re  a jumbled mess,
I'm confused , I'm scared , I can't connect , my sins i can’t confess,

In all honesty I wonder how you keep from shuddering when I'm around ,
I'm cold & Broken, I’m so lost I don’t want to be found,

I can't control this urge to run - to flee down this dirt track,
My foot prints stretching in one direction never looking back,

I'll leave a paper trail of folded love letters for you to read when I’m gone,
Cause I’m not brave enough to confess to you, I’m afraid you’ll see through this facade,

I won’t return,
Back here,
my dear,

So pass along my goodbyes,
Send my love away,

Please tell my parents I won't be coming home, oh please tell my parents I won’t be coming home, no I won’t be coming home,

I haven't had the chance to touch the sky or even walk on clouds ,
Never been to Italy or to chicagos city crowds,

I’ve never been lost at sea or seen the northern lights,
But I’d rather wander aimlessly than stay here and fight,

I'm so far gone driving the wrong way down a one way street,
I might be behind the wheel but this cars controlling me,

If you told me to jump off a bridge id thank you for suggesting it,
Cause honestly most nights I’m just looking for an excuse to finally end it,

So pass along my goodbyes,
Send my love away,

Please tell my parents I won't be coming home, oh please tell my parents I won’t be coming home, no I won’t be coming home,

Waking up to cigarette burns and half drank bottles of liquor,
Light shining through the blinds, my head burns,

The sun in my eyes is like a light houses beam,
A blinking beacon ment to guide me home from sea,

But I'm already lost in this ocean of tears ,
Stuck in the waves till the storm finally clears,

I don’t think the rain is going to go away today,
So I wash it down with gin and tonic,
& hope to god I don’t choke on my *****,

At least I’ve finally had a taste of the real world,
As bitter as it tastes I don’t think I can go back to being that old girl,

So pass along my goodbyes,
Send my love away,

Please tell my parents I won't be coming home, oh please tell my parents I won’t be coming home, no I won’t be coming home,


Only thing keeping me motivated to move on is an old photograph I have of a boy I once loved ,

Haven't stopped moving since I read his name off his headstone, I can't even remember the warmth of his hug,

Doesn't matter where I go I still see that concrete angle with his face,
Doesn't matter how far I run, how much alcohol I drink, I can’t forget his taste,

My memories are torture, I’m stuck in their chains,
Ive cried so many tears they’ve turned into a cloud of salted rain,

It stings my skin so sweetly I’m Afraid it’s my only escape ,
Can't turn back this ticking clock, life waits for no one and I’m late,

So pass along my goodbyes,
Send my love away,

Please tell my parents I won't be coming home, oh please tell my parents I won’t be coming home, no I won’t be coming home,

What do you think is tougher?
The human skull,
Or a revolver?

Tell my parents I won’t be coming home.

I really have to stop eating
Doritos and Diet Coke
for breakfast

Today I poured a cup of whiskey for a man that’ll never drink it,
The bar tender said “where’s your friend”
“In heaven” I replied,

His face looked solemn,
And for a second I swear I saw him have a flash back in his eyes,
He poured another cup of whiskey,
“For the ones that left to early, this ones on the house”

And so the glasses stayed there,
Un-drank, all night.
When I went to leave they where still sitting, Lonely against the counter top.

I walked by in the morning, there was a police line by the door.
The bartender took a shot gun after closing and used it on himself.

Through the window I could still see the glasses of untouched whiskey,
But instead of two glasses there were three.

Life waits for no one,
& I’m late.

You’re the beautiful lie
&
I’m the painful truth.

You can never tell at the start
Whether they’ll be your biggest joy
Or another lesson learned
I can tell you this
It’s been some time since I’ve been
Blessed with joy
But I’ve learned so many lessons
That soon I’ll be a master in broken hearts.
❣︎

I asked him, “what is a bird to a worm”

He looked at me and grinned “Food”

I wrinkled my nose,  “but worms don’t eat birds”

He laughed at my innocence and replied, “they do when they’re dead, and one day they’ll eat you too”

All my life Ive wondered why I was alive,
All the pain, all the heartbreak, all the horrors i survived,
And then one day I met you,
And all my stars aligned,
I lived to see your smile,
And then you said goodbye,
You painted my world in color,
Woke me from my slumber,
Now the darkest parts of me
Trickle out my eyes,

I lived to see your smile,
I’m dying with your goodbye.

It’s been a while since I’ve heard from you, even longer since I’ve seen you,
And although I miss you I’m glad you’re not around,

I’m relieved my phones not ringing at three am, cause every time I thought it’d be someone telling me your body has been found,

My heart breaks every time I see a recent photo of you, the sunken cheeks, the dark circles under your eyes,
Every time I think of how you’ve hurt your body, with every pill that touched your mouth came another string of lies,

I can’t stand the person you’ve become,
I wonder how something so tiny could bring along so much pain,
What Id give to wash away all your sins with a little bit of rain,

The last time you were at my house you promised you were clean,
But your words were slurred, and I could tell reality was less serene,

You fell asleep on my bed within minutes of arriving, I desperately wanted to believe that you were just tired, that this was a result of a year long battle finally won,

I told you I was proud of you,that I loved you, sent you on your way, but in my heart I knew, this war wasn’t done,

Two days later your aunt flushed a bag of pills down the toilet while you cried in the garage,
She gave you your life savings and told you to get lost,
Not because she doesn’t love you, but because she’s tired of the lies,
She doesn’t want to see the child she raised, slowly die in front of her eyes,

That day I knew I’d truly lost my best friend,
You’re living on borrowed time,
I pray every day that you overcome this,
All while knowing it’s close to the end,
If only the judge had ordered you into rehab when you got that DUI,
Maybe then we’d be celebrating your 90 days,
Instead of drying our eyes,

Opioids stole our friendship,
Please don’t let it steal your life,
I don’t have room in my closet for another black dress,
I don’t have room in my heart to fit the grief of another overdosed friend,
Please if there is a god, send her a helping hand,
Because I’ve tried everything I can think of to keep her from ending up in your land,
And honestly I think you have enough angels right now,
don’t take her from us yet,
I promise we will make it up some how,
And lord if you can lend us strength while you’re at it I’d appreciate the gesture,
I don’t know if I can take another broken promise or another “ I don’t need to go to rehab lecture”,

If only getting clean was as easy popping pills,
If only loving someone with an addiction didn’t leave me with constant chills,
If you’d have told me that by my mid 20’s half my friends would be dead or dying,
I’d have rolled my eyes and told you to stop lying,
But I guess we are all dying- you’re just dying faster than I am.

A pointed finger,
A shaking head,
A loud voice,
A thought of dread;

Chattering teeth, bleeding finger beds,
A thousand scars, a strangers treads;

It’s time to sleep, so shut your eyes,
But be careful, he’s always watching,
He knows your insides;

All your secrets, all your lies, all your misgivings, there’s nothing you can hide;

Your souls exposed, your gut and heart,
And if you look to close, he’ll steal your parts;

So cry silently, swallow your fear,
Cause if you don’t, you’re next my dear.