i hate it.... i hate absolutely everything everything about this, all i see is the dark red glow of pain.
you not even looking back as you walked away,
the air being ****** out of me as i fall to the ground,
my knee's bleeding open as i landed on the cold pavement,
the flashbacks of us holding hands,
kissing,
dreaming.
weren't we happy?
what did i do wrong?
why did you leave me?....
because know im here alone,
begging and begging and begging you to please come back....
begging the oxygen to return to my lungs.
begging for anything to feel something other than this.
-Faith Cubitt

I've been running pens dry because of you.
taking the dark black ink and ripping it of its pigment.
like you did to my heart, holding it and admiring it until you used it all.... drained it, ****** the life out of it.
all i wanted was you.... you and genuine love but i couldn't get that, so now i need something, a destraction, a medication to heal this drained and shattered heart.
I will empty pens just like you emptied me.
carelessly....

I grip the stained pen....
trying to stay in between the lines.
my hands are shaking, palms sweaty.
pressing the metal ball down towards the crumpled paper, pressing and pressing but nothing comes out....
a tear falls from my cheek as the dry cartridge remind me of you.
stall notebooks lining my book shelf.
I need the ink to bleed from me as you did
but the words are gone since you left.

I wanted to scream....
and
scream
and
scream....
I'm sorry! I'm sorry! god, I'm so sorry.
but I couldn't, I was choking, and crying.
silently dying.
every word I spoke killed, my touch shattering.
everything is my fault.
who is this person I have become?

i remember the first time you touched my skin.... just our hands merely grazing, and i felt on fire.
knowing it would get more and more intense.
we kissed and it was like you were bringing me to life.
passion surged through my veins
i knew from that moment on i was addicted i needed your touch like lungs needed oxygen.
you were putting me in a choke hold.

I was falling, so fast that reality wasn't a thing anymore, anything was nothing.
i tried so hard to get a grip.... anything, just to be able to pull myself up and out of this black void that was swallowing me whole.
but there was nothing, jut me and all this darkness. a darkness that was consuming me.
words echoed from the depths. echoes of the same words she yelled at me.
be better
get better
not enough
never enough
i couldn't feel anything, but the tears falling down my cheeks. as i couldn't hold on anymore, and then i was gone.

I still see you in my dreams sometimes, like echoes in my head of something familiar.
paper was my new best friend, it listened as i laced my words with pain and beauty, heartbreak and desire.
'we still could be' was the last thing you said before I walked away.
(that's right, i walked away this time)
I knew the what the words you said meant. the silent question mark lingering in the air.
but I couldn't bring myself to answer.... not then.... so I'll answer now.
I could love you till the sun stop's shinning and the moon stop's rising. but the truth to us is we were never meant to last that long.
we were stubborn and messy, young and reckless.
but I can still miss you, dream and write about you.
but when you said 'we still could be' somewhere deep in my heart  knew, and answered for me.

The fresh morning snow cast a sparkling glow over the quiet dawn.
The puffy clouds resembling my eyes full of tears.
The doves chose not to sing their sunny tune.
The world hushing to nothing more than a whisper.
The wind holding back it's hollow goodbye.  
The darkness watched, waiting to claim you as his own.
And the sun shone for the very last time.

you were uprooting me and not even trying to hide it....
ripping me apart from the seems on purpose.
like it gave you some sort of pleasure to sit there and destroy me.
i could feel the life being ****** out of my soul, and i screamed your name because you were supposed to be my hero.
i was drowning.... but you were the reason.
you just kept pushing me down further and further, as i screamed for help.
screaming
and
screaming
and
screaming
trying so hard to hold on, grasp anything i could to escape this torturous reality.
but you were everywhere, stabbing me from every angle.
you were supposed to save me.
my hero.

I couldn't tell you....
so I would lay in bed at night and dream that you were holding me, whispering endlessly in my ear about random nothings full of silent every things.
I couldn't tell you....
so I'd write about you, endlessly with meaningful rhythm.
making sure I get every thought in.... how you'd smile at me in the moonlight, trying to find words that expressed the way you'd laugh, or how your eyes would do that thing when you were confused.
I couldn't tell you....
so every time your name came up I felt an earth quake start to form in the middle of my chest. trying everything to disguise the pain that had rooted there from your absence.
I couldn't tell you....
so I let all these feelings take me over.... it wasn't supposed to be you, and I knew that. but what was I supposed to do? tell myself I was wrong?
so I did what any sane person would do....
locked away that aching pain to go out and pull you close, shoved the idea that you maybe feel the same so far down that it drowned in it's own hope eventually killing itself.
I couldn't tell you.... so I let it **** me.

I will spend eternity craving you.
longing for your lips pressed against mine.
with every touch you slowly brought me alive, igniting me like gas on a fire.
I exploded under your touch.
with every word and whisper.
I will die remembering how you made me feel.

we were nothing.... and i sat there and looked at you like you held the world in your hands, but still we were nothing....
when we looked at each other it was like worlds were colliding,
I could feel the invisible string tugging at us, making it so obvious.
I ached for you.... craved to know what you felt like, what it would feel like to know you and hold you.
you were holding me hostage with just your eyes.
and god, when we touched, just our hands.... it was fire, pure exotic fire, setting ablaze in our souls. telling us.... making it so clear.
how could we not have?
how could we have sat there in front of each other for so many weeks and not just plant the seed that was so ready to bloom, before it was even in the ground?
how could we have let this slip by so silently while crying to be released?

I dreamt about you last night.... the kind of dream where everything is so real, everything makes so much sense.
The kind of dream where once you woke up you need to do everything in your power to prove it was real, someway or somehow.
you told me you loved me.... the words like sweet honey coming from your lips. I wrapped my arms around you and felt more at home than I had ever been in my life.
You smiled, it was right at me, and contagiously I fell for it and smiled right back.
your eyes were pools I was willingly drowning in.
It couldn't have been a dream? please say it wasn't....
you held me, I was happy.
but then I pinched myself, this beautiful world where you and I were what we were always supposed to be came crashing down before I even had the time to scream your name.
I need you.... god, I need you, I will always need you.

i really wanted this to work.... and i know you did too. but the rain started, and the wind picked up and eventually it was tearing things apart. ripping out the roots of thousand year old tree's, washing away the beauty of us.
it rained, and rained and rained and i thought it would stop, i really did. i thought if i could just let the storm pass, let it dry up everything would go back to normal.
but.... it never did it was just getting stronger and stronger until everything was falling apart.
and now i know why storms are named after people.

Deep in my heart I knew you'd leave.
I knew I wasn't good enough, even though I tried.
but I wanna know how you left so effortlessly?
I gave you my all.... so fully, leaving none of myself for me.
I rooted my self worth in you, if you loved me, I loved me. (but I would always love you more)
so how? how could you just leave without a second thought, knowing I loved you? knowing I would have given you the world  if you only would have asked?
you told me to jump and I asked how high.
even now, if you came back, I'd welcome you with open arms.
saying sorry for anything I did to make you leave. because I loved you. and I always will love you.
but I know you won't. you couldn't, you chose not to.
I was a space holder, no matter the lies you told me, the loved you pretended to share.
I was a mere page in your story, but you were my book....

Its funny how I stare at this blank piece of paper.... and all I can think about is you.
but I see you in everything, so how is this any different?
maybe because we were never anything.... we were stolen glances, with quick intense touches, eye contact that made me feel dizzy, hands accidently touching and I thought my skin was gonna light on fire, everything was so intense.... it still is.
so why? why won't you just kiss me?
prove to me I'm not making this up.... I can't be.
but maybe it's like a dream, maybe it all feels so real but once you wake up you realize it was only you the whole time, making it all up.
I pray that's not the case.
I pray that you feel this crazy pull towards me as I feel to you.
I pray you feel the same, even just a little.

so there's this boy....
his eyes are pool's of blue I'd so willingly drown in.
And when he smiles I just can't help but stare and smile too.
so there's this boy....
And let me tell you, I can see it all.
I can see how he'll look at me early in the morning when we first wake up, or how late at night he'll pull me close.
I see all the love that would be shared between us, the late movie night's and early breakfast's before work.
sometimes I feel like we could be holding an eternity of possibilities in our hands.
so there's this boy....
And you may not believe me but he's got a heart of gold.... it shines through everything he does.
how he talks to people, conversating like it's the best part of his day. it's in all the little things you wouldn't notice if you didn't truly look. but it's in everything he does.
so there's this boy....
And I can't seem to stop thinking about him.... and he probably doesn't even know.
but I'm telling you there's this boy and every time he comes to mind, I get a glimpse of what we truly could be.

You broke me, but that is nothing new.... I knew you had the means to break me when we were almost something.... I had handed you my most prized possession.
I so effortlessly passed myself over, too naive to think about the consequences, or the fact that even though I love you, it didn't mean you loved me.....
I knew you broke me when I was sitting in a restaurant too exhausted to cook, breaking down at the table by myself while watching couples who could have been us laughing and eating.
I knew you broke me when I hated going to bed and staring up at that stupid dull white ceiling in silence, my mind going over everything I might have done wrong.
when sleep came I was finally at peace, but not for long....
I knew you broke me when every morning I dreaded getting up because it meant I had to do another day without you.
I knew you broke me when I hated myself, hated how I looked because maybe if I looked better you would have stayed and chosen me.
hated how I talked, maybe if i used a softer tone? or more stern? you wouldn't have chosen her?
maybe if my eyes were blue? or my hair blonde?
I knew you broke me when I was tearing myself apart because you left....
you broke me, but I already knew you would.