This went way to far....
before I knew it you were telling me you loved me
but I've been scared from the start.
you smiled when we called
laughed when I talked
you just seemed so happy....
I want to say I tried so hard
but the truth is I didn't.
I knew you were not who I wanted
but I led you on from the start.

so there's this boy....
his eyes are pool's of blue I'd so willingly drown in.
And when he smiles I just can't help but stare and smile too.
so there's this boy....
And let me tell you, I can see it all.
I can see how he'll look at me early in the morning when we first wake up, or how late at night he'll pull me close.
I see all the love that would be shared between us, the late movie night's and early breakfast's before work.
sometimes I feel like we could be holding an eternity of possibilities in our hands.
so there's this boy....
And you may not believe me but he's got a heart of gold.... it shines through everything he does.
how he talks to people, conversating like it's the best part of his day. it's in all the little things you wouldn't notice if you didn't truly look. but it's in everything he does.
so there's this boy....
And I can't seem to stop thinking about him.... and he probably doesn't even know.
but I'm telling you there's this boy and every time he comes to mind, I get a glimpse of what we truly could be.

the question of what I'm afraid of haunts me....
I will sometimes say the darkness, trying to play it off cool.
or maybe it's deep water, and what lays beneath the muggy depths.
I sometimes think it's fire, how powerful it could be, how quickly it could destroy everything just as you turn away.
I could always say it's weather, how the wind howls so creepily
the way the thunder shakes the earth.
there's a million different things I could say.
but truly if you want to know what keeps me up at night.
it's you....
I'll lay in bed and think about how one day you'll me gone.
how no matter how much I love you, it could never be enough.
I know I'm not the prettiest.
my hair maybe too brown.
I don't have a body like hers.
So I guess there's the truth.
I'm scared of losing you.

You broke me, but that is nothing new.... I knew you had the means to break me when we were almost something.... I had handed you my most prized possession.
I so effortlessly passed myself over, too naive to think about the consequences, or the fact that even though I love you, it didn't mean you loved me.....
I knew you broke me when I was sitting in a restaurant too exhausted to cook, breaking down at the table by myself while watching couples who could have been us laughing and eating.
I knew you broke me when I hated going to bed and staring up at that stupid dull white ceiling in silence, my mind going over everything I might have done wrong.
when sleep came I was finally at peace, but not for long....
I knew you broke me when every morning I dreaded getting up because it meant I had to do another day without you.
I knew you broke me when I hated myself, hated how I looked because maybe if I looked better you would have stayed and chosen me.
hated how I talked, maybe if i used a softer tone? or more stern? you wouldn't have chosen her?
maybe if my eyes were blue? or my hair blonde?
I knew you broke me when I was tearing myself apart because you left....
you broke me, but I already knew you would.

so you say I am not putting effort into us....
you accused me of being distant and heartless....
while I laid in bed praying you'd call me or text me.
I woke up every morning hoping to hear from you
anything from the simplest hey to the most meaningful good morning.
I would think about your eyes and how they were so blue.... how badly I wanted them to look at me.... truthfully.
I craved to know you
how you liked your coffee,
your favourite dessert
favourite season
anything.
anything to get me a glimpse of who you are.
but you shrugged me off
saying you were busy....
I respected that, I respected you.
until you said you loved me
it truly did break me....
you were such a good liar until those words slipped from you lips.
you did not love me,
you just loved yourself to much.