i’ve learned this past year to just be yourself and embrace it. no point in fighting it if people are going to judge you no matter what. not that it’s that easily achieved to just be you. but just doing stuff you want to not because someone else wants you to is so liberating.

i've worn glasses for as long as i can remember
i can't remember the day i got my first pair
hell i don't even remember what having normal vision is like
if i even had it
depression is a lot like that
once you have it
you don't really remember what its like to not have it
i may not have had it my whole life
yet it sure feels like forever
but thats a thing i've adjusted to
like my eyesight
with a new pair of lenses

here i go again i’m pretending that i’m okay
when honestly i don’t feel that way
don’t ask me i really can’t explain
just know there’s no one but me to blame
all these feelings won’t go away
certainly feels like i’ve been lead astray
in times like these i’d be looking for you to hold
but it’s because of you that i’m so cold

it’s seems like i don’t control my moods, but they control me

"words can't say what love can do" - bon jovi

perhaps this is why
i can never find
the words to
describe you

i believe that music
can speak millions of words
when your own mind
fails to come up with any

it's been 9 months, love
a rollercoaster of emotions
but i wouldn't have it
any other way

i never thought i'd find someone
in this same old town
i love growing with you
i get to know you more and more

dear reader,
if you’re going through a breakup
in an unhealthy situation
or it’s just complicated
this is for you:
if they don’t make time for you, don’t make time for them.
don’t sacrifice your heart to someone that wouldn’t do the same for you.
if they’re not treating you right, find a way to love and respect yourself enough
to get the heck out of there.
if they say they will change and they don’t change after 3 or 4 times, don’t let your heart get broken anymore.
learn to know when to let go, and if you don’t love yourself, you sure as hell cant love anyone else.

i know this will all makes sense one day
but right now i just want to fast forward and then hit play
because in my mind demons stay
and nightmares haunt me even when awake

you are a work of art
that words cannot begin
to lend appreciation to
so i just stare at you in awe

you're beautiful
and theres no one
quite like you out there

my biggest fear has evolved from my fear of being alone: not being understood. that is the most isolating thing i’ve come to fear

hey
i know you’re going through a lot right now
and i know you think life isn’t worth it right now
but think of all the today’s
you thought you wouldn’t get through
and all the hard times
you thought would **** you

but please just keep going

you don’t know how long the future will last
unless you make it through this moment
that you feel like will last forever
until one day it’s in the past

then you’ll look back and say
“hey that wasn’t so bad anyway”
you have to just
keep
going

i cannot quite explain the fears inside my head
but they express themselves
in the broken skinned lips i have
and the gnawing on dead skin
they express themselves
in the chewed on fingernails
they express themselves
from the sores from picking at hangnails and scabs
and they express themselves
from popping my joints as much as they will allow
do i look as anxious as i feel
half of this **** i don't even realize i'm doing

thank god i can’t write good poetry
the best poetry comes from pain and hurt if you ask me
so although i can’t write like i used to
at least it means i’m doing alright

men and women are forced in to boxes and labeled
with no room to grow
told that colors you wear make you a boy or girl
the clothes you wear, the things you do
how you act
for some reason
make you only a boy or girl

you're a chapter book i can't seem to put down. there's a lot more to you and i want to keep reading you to figure it out. once one chapter ends another begins. i want to memorize every page of you, to be able to read you with my eyes shut. and after this book is finished i hope i'll be in the sequel.

how can i talk about how the world is
when i’ve only seen such a small part of it
but i guess when you’re stuck in a bubble
it starts to be the only world you know

i must've been homeless for quite some time
because now in your arms i feel like home
because when she gave me a cardboard box
that i gratefully took in as i needed the shelter
you've given me a castle
and have made me feel like a **** queen
how could i even begin
to thank you

don't fret about **** you can't change
it will only tear you apart
you are who you are for a reason
perfectly imperfect from the start

i hate receiving gifts
because i never seem to know
quite how to say thank you
but this year i've decided
the greatest gift i could ever receive
is your love

tell me you want me
tell me you need me
and promise me
you'll never leave me

-breathe in
-breathe out
-don't try so hard to prove yourself to others
-don't be so ******* yourself
-breathe
-just keep breathing even when it hurts
-don't forget how much you're loved

stuff inside my head
only makes sense to me
so that's why it stays in there
that's why i daydream

stuff in the "real world"
doesn't make sense to me
so that's why it stays out there
that's why i daydream

you can change my mind
but you can’t change my heart

i envy those who do not feel so hard
or think too deeply
because **** this **** is exhausting
trying to find the perfect words
or trying to find the reason for everything

being different
may mean you’re not normal
at least to society
but it also means
you’re brave enough
to break the mold
and to me that’s more rewarding
than fitting in

do you still remember all the advice i gave you
even though i did the opposite?

the thing about me
is i will push you out the door
slam it
yet look back
and hope you open it again

it’s funny that we push people away
when we want them to stay
no wonder people drink
it’s like humans just aren’t meant to think
a human without emotion
is just a robot
not knowing why you’re feeling these feelings
is worse than having a reason
i’m in habit of giving someone pieces of my heart
without referring to the return policy
but i guess i’d rather be deep then shallow
i see my reflection in my shadow
and in the end i’d rather feel everything
than feel nothing at all

you must lose yourself in order to find yourself

i took my shot
though it was blind
i fell so hard
didn't fear the fall
i fell in love
with your beautiful mind
you've made me feel everything
when i didn't feel anything at all

i hate feeling this way
but at least i’m still feeling something

i wish i had the vocabulary
to explain the feelings i have for you
but something like that
would take a lot of research

your arms keep me warm
your lips erase my bad thoughts
your fingers wipe away my tears
you take away my fears

i always ask myself
what i did to deserve you
but i guess you can't
question fate

you make me want to
never stop telling jokes
just so i can see
you smiling at me

but hey
i'm okay
i'll be fine
so long as you're mine

you look upon the future
with fear and dread
because of what you already know
or at least what you think you know
is going to occur
whereas i look upon the future
with hope and careful consideration
because what you fear
is not set in stone
and the future
is not yet determined
and to me
so distant

we ditched the dance at the high school
and went to have our own fun
while everyone was dancing like a fool
you had me grinning like one

i know it’s my fault you left
but i can’t help but feel upset at myself
that i made it so easy
for you to leave

if you’re a good person
even better things will come

instead of asking
"what do i want to give to the world?"
i find myself asking
"what does the world want from me?"

my worst days now
are my best days then

the end goal is happiness
we all just have different ways of getting there

no two cars are the same on a highway
they may be the same make or model
but they may not have the same engines
that operate the same
or seen the same stretch of roads
and some cars just aren’t meant for certain terrains
so why do we treat other humans any differently?

the only promise i can keep
is that i'll love you unconditionally
no matter how hard it gets
no matter what gets in the way
i'll find my way
back in to the arms
i call home

how come i want to do so many things
yet i can’t even bring myself to get out of bed
how come i have so many thoughts
yet none of them leave my head
how come i’m the only version of myself
yet there’s always someone i’d rather be
why can’t i be enough for me

when you're with them take a step back and ask yourself "is there absolutely anywhere else i would want to be right now?"

you’ll never know
probably ever
the impact you have on a strangers life
by simply being kind
you may keep them alive
so even on your worst days
be a nice person
because even if you want to die
you may save someone’s life

the thing is
when you hurt me
you'll hurt more
i guarantee it
i'll forgive so easily
and quickly
that you'll have no choice
but to question
whether i'm actually hurting or not
it will fill you with guilt
how i'll wear a mask
and say i forgive you
as i slowly close up
overthinking every little thing you told me
but no
i forgive you
it's okay
i'm fine
it's fine
tell me more of those sweet little lies

you've opened my eyes
to a bright new world that is so much clearer
you've opened my heart
and made myself feel welcome in my own body finally
you've opened my arms
and your body just fits so right

i almost like it better when i'm thinking too much
makes me feel like i'm alive and not some dead battery found in the trash when it can no longer be used
find peace in the swirling thoughts in my head like a toilet that wont flush
because it means i'm still alive
still able to comprehend what you're saying
still able to feel.
i will live another day and get caught on something new
and probably trip
and fall
back to that low feeling i'm used to
but that's okay
because hey, after all i'm alive
and right now that's good enough.

i know you have to go
but please i have to know
when you're on the other side of that door
do you turn around and think about me once more?

i want to take away your pain
but then you won't be you anymore
because every part of you
even the bad parts
is all that i love about you

when i say i love you
i mean thank you
thank you for loving me
even knowing my past
thank you for treating me
like i never knew i deserved
and thank you for being with me
for i know it's not easy

i can tell you're hurting
i can tell behind that forced smile
behind that phone screen
behind the poetry you're writing
i've been reading in between the lines
and i want you to know
you can lay it all on me
it makes my stomach churn
knowing you're still hurting
that there are wounds still healing
and i wonder
if i'll be enough to help
or is time the only healer