freak of nature
"selfish" screaming in my ears
I digress violently now
Whitman bleeding out of
my ears
I cannot bow
seventeen and furious
I am the poet of the
human skin; of violins
and softly fingered clarinets
singing of the dirt under
my fingernails
self-loathing--the evil twin
of guilt--is blinding
I cannot read graphing
calculators or the
future
but both seem empty
like the box under my bed
that used to hold pieces of my
soul (or I thought it did)
now I am scattered
I would like to
hold onto your hand
(I will be less abrasive this way)
instead of purging myself
of every doubt that
has rudely accosted me
in the marrow of
my simple human
structure

sugar sugar pour some water on me
it can be black or green I don't care just
please wash the sugar out of my hair
sugar is bitter
and sickening in
my hair in my nose and ears
my mom tells me to practice my 'violino'
--we lived in Brazil so Portuguese words are still natural at times--
and she smiles so it cripples me a little
I will practice as much as she likes

first of all I would like to apologize for my
loving demands of utter complicated simplicity
the extent of my complacent attitude can only
last a few minutes before it is over and there are veins in my brain coursing with salt water

apathetic towards nothing

after the rain fell
and all I could focus on were
my legs intertwined with magic
--funny isn't it, where you can find magic these days--
there were clouds behind my
telltale eyes (not rain clouds
but thunder)
in the purest form

secrets enveloped in my throat
bound to my fragile
jugular
but the tips of my fingers are tingling
like I am standing
on the wing of an airplane
and heights
don't scare me as much anymore

the ***** of your chin is
gentle
nothing will numb you more
than the epitome of nothingness
soft collared shirts and grey-scale jeans
I feel music in you
like water
abounding with reluctance
here I stand
gently begging you to
be deafening.

chanting silently
we are here we were here
HERE WE ARE

with pale long dancing fingers I am
certain that the end is not near
nor will it ever be
for you

nirvana
nirvana me
how did I get here
soporific no more
this story
is spinning me into hurricanes
salty skin lustrating itself
and I shake when
people open to me
raw raw raw
like an onion
draw tears
out of me
they come very easily
like secrets
I have
none
zealously for life
defines the dreamers
I will never be Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds
or Frida Kahlo
but I am art
I will inhale from Lethe
every day of my life
because
I will create a new earth
every gasp I take
and vulnerability is my power
consistently unabated
I'll strip down naked
before the world
before I give up my
Lethe
this woe
this cataclysm
does not belong in me

clean your teeth
with a pink washcloth
your tongue
with saline water
hands behind my back
gently (or roughly) held
together
pacing back and forth
or sitting on my
uncertainly made
deliberate choices
I wonder if you like
the smell of clementine
on my fingers
stained orange from the
pungent peel
I would stain
my whole body with color
if I could
as if that would
freeze this superficial
line of seconds

I drink coffee every morning
spicy black coffee thick whole cream no sugar
cramps often fill my stomach  after
the concoction is swallowed but
it feels good
when my heart picks up and goes faster
jumping and throbbing a little precocious (for so early)

socorro socorro I am buzzing

you are hiccups
not going away
Pini de Roma 4th movement cannot numb me
like you do

I am thin and small (very small)
---anyone can hurt me but not really
tickle my feet and I'll kick harder than
if you cut my heart in half-ness

best friend soulmate unforgettable
your clothes smell like me (not you)
now --less intoxicating i sleep better--
but I love them terribly much because
you taught me to love myself so
best friend soulmate unforgettable
they still smell like you
through me
in me

11:11
i wish for her infinity
and our infinity

litter my body
with art
ornate drawings paintings mixed colors
silver gold clay copper jewelry
I don't mind bruises
(any kind)
thud thud thud through my heart
litter my ears heart throat
with songs that shake my aorta
unbalancing my Eustachian tube
deafen me to everything else
and I will breathe in until my lungs ache
(pulmonary artery backed up--too much oxygen)
the air full of wrong lust love hope rain sun speed disease panic difference bodies hate sky and infinite space
I must know what it feels like
to be
fully fully fully
alive

(I won't miss a thing)

monochromatic is me
blowing in circles like cupcake sprinkles and iron clad feathers
my pores are leaking midnight drives (driving 52 in a 45) and salty salami like a
low-carb diet could heal the humans of eternal despair
I still feel ***** every bite of meat
I take this is too much of a (betrayal)
baby 16 dancing in the mirror like
the universe isn't slowly dying like the art of star gazing and my bitten fingernails aren't already
dead

not quite sad more of an intrinsically motivated obsession with the universe that inspires a certain degree of sadness.  like the first time I kissed his neck and the universe understood this intrinsically motivated obsession and inspired a certain degree of sadness. there is reality and there  is my reality

and mine is unavoidable and thunderstorms in-front of and behind me and graceful rain on my head at all times and so much so so much to think about it and the fruit snack wrapper on the floor is blowing away and the fan is clicking and I have math to do but I don't care what a radian does

I only care that I don't see a god in the millions of dying people and the four year old locked in the basement of her addicted mother's house. Hemingway says that all thinking men are atheists (and women this is 2015 and I am brilliant) and I am pure atheist except when rain comes down and I believe that everything is connected in some way

and I sat on the trampoline with my 13 year old sister and let the rain fall on my face and slide down my shirt and drip into my belly button and I think I reminded myself why we are alive and then the lightening scared me enough to shake my doubt away

we are all okay sometimes.  and my brain is exceptionally faulty--frontal lobe doesn't act normally and she told me that it's like it flies away and I can't find rationality until it settles and comes back to earth and I am rarely on earth.  and I scared him because too much passion can break more than glass and

it's hard to realize that for every second I hate it is only because I love to the point of insanity and I can't hate unless I love unless I am drowning
in hopeless desire for more than human for invincibility and driving with the windows down and music blaring everything else out

then I remember I am someone else's child and it is only fair to care for that girl so I slow down
I put my arms out every time I walk in the wind so maybe it'll take pieces of me with it and turn me into the alive person that i crave that I desire that I fume for much more than

touch

but I can't just be touched to feel love I just watch eyes to remind myself why this planet is here why the oceans are filled with salt why people are dying to live why people are living just to die

I love again each day right after convincing myself I don't and it's not touch I remind myself how to live in those eyes and I broke the glass the glittery strong slippery now shattered glass so the least I can do is let the glass fix itself slowly

but I don't believe in god I believe in love and rain and passion and desire and this is my catharsis