happy ridiculous day to you and all of humankind.  I am confused at times to a level that I cannot always bear.  Death itself is mortifying.  Irony.  Laugh if you will but a full casket is emptier than a finished glass of water. I walked to the casket and I thanked her for her life.  "I'm sorry I never saw you.  But you never saw me either."

             sad that this death thing has ruined the us
funny: there is no god.  Goddess should capitalize automatically as well, but this male dominated society of humanity is ruled my a single perfect male.  Hey god hope your day is going well.

*an energy
you sing it wrong every time

I would like to give you a bouquet of flowers that I myself have created.         Drawn from the earth and filled with intense reasoning and reluctance, I would kiss myself into them.  Wrapped in a ribbon of black and left on your doorstep.  My mom shoveled dirt and was the only female THIS IS THE DIFFERENCE MAKING.  I was too weak this type of self-loathing is healthy. handing myself over to everything and nothing I know I will shatter.

    shattering for death unto death away from death.  stop writing about dying I'm still alive.  but how alive is alive?  

correct my grammar draw on my skin touch my bones until I am alive.  until the page is heavy with ink.

brown ringlets
we fall in love gently like raindrops
Love is not like I think but instead
calm and sweaters and hugs and I feel calm
(for moments here and there)
coconuts and socks I want to
remember the softness of you (your hands)
and the fire of you
the way you cry the way you are earth
I want only to tell you that the way you (are)
sing , dance
make me love you more (often)
platonically.

sitting with my legs crossed
Van Gogh starry night pants on (just the star-part
so really it could be anybody's starry night)
the silver nail polish on my nails
is almost gone
I peeled most of it off
there are just a few round specks
in the middle of each nail
(like my waves of bravery)
weak and futile
the black wooden boards beneath
my feet my calloused fingers
hurt
I braided my hair --twice-- tonight
and didn't write my homework
like I should've
instead I was driving 10 miles
under the speed limit
realizing this was caused
by the lack
of aliveness
eating away at my enamel
I would've done it this time

I have not left her behind.

there is a way...etched within me I cannot separate myself. again
and again and again. the way you fall in love
with a step and a smell and a sandwich  
I am easily deterred from people

a good bye a leave me alone...placed gracefully between us.

it is almost May and there is snow on the ground
dusting the trees and baby leaves rebelliously
I dare myself to forget the warmth of
summer skin..again and again...

judgement is futile
as are ibuprofen and car-keys
when walking thinking talking
means breathing out poetry in the dark dark
corners of every inch
of the cranium

inundated people
high on drugs or life or love
lumber by me
dream-like                                                           i'm not here
(most of the time)

10-17
secret lingo of nothingness
rings on my fingers
my someone is playing with them.
I should remove one but
it is silver and stands for an ironic
freedom
10:12 this is the aggregation
of heartbreak and self-love
the desperation of my unforgivable
humanity pushed away
buried under my high-top clad feet
for 35 minutes
I want to cement in you
a love for your idiosyncrasies
repetitive and consuming
craving the word crave
is redundant but
there is nothing I would
hide from you

I love you tenderly.
In the morning your peaceful
complexion soft and your
earth-brown hair tousled
against baby pink pillowcase.
My nose pressed against your
cheek, I try to breathe you in
(inhale the smell of sleep) (longing)
with you I can focus in
on controlling my pulse
(1...2...1...2…)
The arches of your collarbones
make me ache
your entire self singing of
promise.

giggling I am not being
facetious but the sight of you
flying towards me is exhilarating
and quite honestly I can say that
you are the happiest thing I have
ever witnessed.

swimming behind porcelain eyes
(I have always hated porcelain)
you are hard like ice
a cold arrangement of confusion
permeating the things you touch like
poison (ivy)
I am helpless when it comes
to this
an inside out a promise
clawing for something (but what is it)

spinning the words 'there is no god' in-between my reluctance laced breaths.  black high tops walking up to me with shoulders bowed slightly I wish you would walk tall.  knowing the end is inevitable makes things difficult but also powerful  in a way that makes -2 degree weather feel warm

alone is not so bad
long live the prevalence of
differentiation
between people
the price tags that unwelcoming
name us
but I accept mine
    (of oddity and beautiful mystery and lonesome bookness of paling musicality that seems useless and of worlds unknown)

accept yours

In bed (2 am)
Your fingers curl around mine
and squeeze so hard my toes tingle
writing about you is hard
and makes my chest tight.
I want to capture the breathiness of you
and the down along your
firm / soft spine
(goosebumps and all)
Turning me inside out
I can only breathe out a
thank you
and hope that three moments ahead
is present enough.

something sweet like
licorice
burning down my throat
absinthe makes me gag
blurry moments
fill my head like laughing gas
life is a cycle of
breaking chains that I didn't know were there
tearing them off
sobbing or standing in the wind until
your pores are clear of them

//

my face is numb
trickle down spin
my legs over his
(a gentle caress)
time is irrelevant sometimes

waking up every morning
I roll towards you

sleepy and sweet you
hum softly like a bumblebee

and pull me into your chest
warm and bare; sugary earth smelling

I catch your cheeks in my hands
your bubblegum lips, soft

morning smells tired (patience)
so ideally we could just

stay here.

Pour down on us
a universal definition of
understanding
free us from our misguided vision
of power and success and omnipotence
and let love diffuse through the air

love to the freckles
and knuckles
and toenails
and hips
and eyebrows
and belly buttons
of a billions of souls

bring us together

I wash my hands constantly, as the smell of anything unnatural makes me uneasy. I smell the tips of my fingers and the palms of my hands nervously; the smell of metal, carpet, and reluctance all trapped between my fingers nauseate me. I run to the sink and pump soap into my hands before frantically rubbing them together, forming as many bubbles as possible.

I only like my hands when they smell like soap or oranges or lavender.

I have nightmares about you during the day. I sit awake and wonder how much of you was real and how much is just sound that I created in a desperate leap for love. The leap I swore I would take over and over again.

There is paint on my arms and my hands right now and all I can think about is how i wish I were an artist
I wish i could draw myself into things the way I can push myself into things that hurt

My mom told me I am brave that I am fearless that I just do things
but I think I am reckless with myself
the way I run into pain face first and tear into it with my fists over
and over again
I have never been afraid of change
The way pain rolls over you and makes your stomach convulse
your whole body week and your sobs so huge that they don’t make sound beyond the frantic gasp for air at the end

I have always been to proud of being human
for some reason I think that the way I feel the way I live is somehow monumental
running into things over and over again

I sweep myself
into a puddle
and I evaporate
into the dirt

and I drown in
the sand
and I freeze
under blankets

and I hunger
for water
and I thirst
for words

and I taste
the anger
and I breathe
the impossible

and I cry
in sheer happiness  
and laugh
from a broken heart

but I still live.

hello you

you should be aware that I am a control freak (only of myself though) and I mistake coffee for water which is somewhat of a lie

I drink it fully aware that my heart will beat a little faster

I forgive myself at dramatic times I forgive others in a heartbeat I forgive my cat very slowly when he bites my nose

I don't like big dogs or Brussels sprouts or coconut curry or dirt on my feet if it's hot out or bright sunlight in my room or ice cubes from tap water or candy (unless it's gummy peach rings)

and if I start getting moody I probably just have a lot of words trapped in me so give me a pen and a paper and I'll spill myself and be okay again

maybe I'll spill some words about you

yours truly

Stand outside put your
hands in front of you catch
the snowflakes in your mittens
bittersweet like lemon green tea I take
these pieces of living and slip them
under my tongue like candies.
I **** on them throughout
the day and remain sane thanks to
the rays of sun twirling across my
dashboard and the wind squeezing my
fingertips till they are blue.

I am feeling gold
tactless Mozart: sacrilege
religious thunder

happy happy one more year
11:01 hello life
it seems sacrilegious to cry tonight
spinning is okay.
thank you for being you

--with titanium in your brain and blood
of your innocence on your hands
the ultimate sacrifice
I thank you for your intense genius

--with faithful diligence in your back
pocket and continuous
reassurance
I thank you for your patient impatience

--with peace under your tongue
and understanding in
your breath
I thank you for your acceptance

this is the love song
of yet another
bruising and healing year

Dance around me
Kiss me like a flame to paper
Consume me entirely
And then let me fall apart
And get carried by the wind
Until I am nothing more than an echo

Sing to me
Embrace me like a tree to earth
Hold me tightly
And then speak to me calmly
Until I realize that I am not frozen
In this simple place forever

Play inside me
Flow through me like blood to the body
Fill me relentlessly
And let life carry me up
And be a storm that sustains me
Because the storm is the purpose to live

Whisper the truth
Free me like a caged animal
Engrain me with reason
And unchain me from the rules
So that I can finally breathe
Because freedom you tempt me
Dance, sing, play, whisper to my soul
Show me how to live.

you smell sweaty (and honeyed,
like the Burt’s Bees soap you just
started using) I rest my
nose in the crook of your neck
and shoulder. I should like to
stay here while you do physics
(watching you write is
mesmerizing) but it is 1 AM
and my eyes hurt. I will
wake up eager at 3 AM when you
stumble into bed; pull you close
and mumble that I love you because
I do.
(the sweetest procrastinator)

I ask her if she saw your eyes
She said she did that they are the
“boy eyes” but tripled and then
says but “have you seen your own eyes”
I said I hadn’t so I ran to the mirror
to see and started crying
at the way my dark eyes are full of peace
(giant wet pools of love) melting against my skin
through my pores
all because of
(you)

mostly
I am angry that you took everything I gave you
I wish you had told me to stop and wash the love off of my hands
tenderly
you could have told me to stop to stop putting my thoughts into your self
to stop painting you over my body over every curve every corner of my brain
maybe I could have been more prepared more empty of you by the time you decided to make me leave

you don’t realize how much it hurts you when he
touches you for a moment and then begs for more
you say “no I don’t want to” and he pushes
(more) (more)
---says you are annoying and dramatic--
but you love him (so)
you grasp for straws you
gasp when he smiles and yet
your love is rotting and it is
filling your bones. All of the no no
I don’t want to” turns into
come back why are you leaving and then
you are clawing for air on the ground
calling your mom trying to tell her
how much you hurt without telling her why
because it might split her open
And that is the last thing you want to do.

fingers tapping on the seat and teeth
biting into the steering wheel
leaving angry marks (silent screams)
gazing at the fire trucks in front of me
blazing lights blinding and
I am furious
at the way my brain turns me
inside out.
A (un)kind ******* to
the those in the past
(the boys the men)
who have
broken me turned me twisted me
bent me until I fit them
until I could not remember myself
not feeling lonely.
tied until everything was tight
and knotted
(how wicked of you)

and now I am
unwinding (slowly so so slowly) and that is
all I can promise him for now.
(that I will slowly unwind)

if I love you
you will know because
I am all consuming
I will adore ever inch of you

(the bones in your elbow
the creases by your eyes
the space above your lips beneath your nose
the strand of hair behind
your ear
the way you blink
the shape of your toes
the way your
eyelashes flutter
the
slow
and then fast
beating of your heart)

the fan whirring and
your eyes are like pools of melted honey.
your stories stir something inside of me and I
am always nothing but sweetness for you.

cookie dust and giggling
again again again
soft soft skin little hands and sour breath for
a moment we are the same and you
little and young and whole run to me and
I am also whole occasionally
Especially with little arms around my
Neck
still in shock at the way love and
selfishness coincide and simultaneously
we survive. I strive to be kind out I am selfish for
wanting more time with little you (and also) so
full of love
giving you all (everything) I can spare.

relentless
(not a word in Spanish)
te quiero
with earth and arms
spinning like the words
mumbles in my head
poetry is inherently egotistical
as if reading what hurts
my heart.yourheart.hisheart.
will cure anything

I have been taught to remember everything to be scared of every man.

Riding the bus I was harassed six times today.
Six times.
The way men look at you before they make a comment you just look down like you’re bowing to them it feels like some sort of respect when really I am just terrified

Every time a man says
“well hey sweetie **** sweetie smile sweetie **** those legs sweetie”

I have visions of reaching through their putrid abdomens and ripping their guts from their bodies

their blood dripping from my hands I know I would sob but

I would like them to fall to their knees in pain so that I could scream that this is for the women this is for all the women and I would leave them to bleed and bleed and bleed

like all the women have for generations

but

instead of that I look down and they laugh because I am vulnerable and small

...

inside I am angry and big and the hair on my body and the knowledge in my brain are the biggest acts of rebellion I can give them

sunflowers
a subject of amusement
( the come and go of laughter pinches )
buried under fabric
I resent it all (no more)
pineapples and honeycomb
finding love in the pit
of my stomach
(for trees and cream and earth)
                             /   /
                          /     /
                        /      /