I don't write to flatter you
I don't write to give you something to be proud of

I wasn't made to please you

I can love you as much as I want
But in the end, it's not my decision
whether or not you feel the same way

I write to inform
I write to let you know that there is someone who cares for you
There is someone who adores even the way you laugh at pointless things
There is someone who knows you're important despite your constant self loathing
There is someone who cares without demand

I don't demand that you love me back
Because I love you enough to let you go if you have to

I have trouble closing my eyes
Looking for a song that seems right
Because you're the reason why
I still play sad songs at night

Back when everything made sense
Before everything was in shreds
From a beginning to an end
Sad to think we're less than friends

With you there's so much to miss
What should've been a life of bliss
The things I regret don't fit on a list
These lines are here cause you exist

I pretend these mistakes don't matter
I pretend they're hidden in the gutter
I thought I could be happier
Turns out I'm a professional liar

do you drown yourself in poetry
to compensate for your misery

do you hide your feelings in verses
because you can't be with that person

do you constantly use metaphors
because you don't know what the truth is for

do you purposely stay miles away
to stay away from the pain that waits

i wrote a poem for you again
but i know you'll never read it
compared you through metaphors
stanzas in lines of fours

i threw the paper in the trash
it'll barely even reach your grasp
a rhythmic, poetic failure
things i assume to be a disaster

never was i the cleverest writer
only to write when inspired
the image of you in my head
when i'd rather have you next to me instead

thoughts i have and thoughts i write
awake in the middle of the night
honey it's 12 o' clock am
and i wrote a poem for you once again

even the rain can do good things
just as much as the sun can cause destruction

even the pain can teach lessons
just as much as happiness breaks a person

i was wondering why the sky looked so beautiful today
then i realized it was only because i learned to see in color again
thanks to you

Isn't amazing how our demons portray art
How something so terrible can make it appear as if everything's okay
Our souls as its canvas, painting vibrant colors
Overlaying the dullness beneath these hues
It also sculpts smiles with puffed up cheeks, but not from crying
Sadness contained, soon to erupt
Theater also comes into play
As we act as if nothing is eating us up from the inside
Maybe our demons aren't so bad, they're just really artistic

He pulled her in whispering words that seemed like incantations
Sure enough, they worked the same way, for she fell under his spell
She brushed the taste of sin on his lips, but kissed him anyway
At this point, she knew there was no escaping
So she held on with all her might
She looked deep in herself before losing it in his eyes, muttering words of apology
She knows she's lost, and began to slowly accept it
There was no one else to blame
She fully embraced the dried up traces forming on her cheeks
Just as she embraced the scars and the bruises that adorned the rest of her body
Her voice was too broken to call for help
She clenched her eyes tight as she desperately recited a prayer
But at this point, she was at the lowest of the low to even think of the divine
The man who was to high struck on pleasure and power took full advantage
Indeed he was a skilled artist, painting a face that would fool the untrained eye
Well, he did learn from a few artists himself
It just took him a while to pick up on their tricks
Was he merely granting the woman to free access to an unwanted class?
Or, was it an implication of hurt and its continuous cycle?

i used to fear the day someone else fills the gap between your fingers where mine used to be
how painful for me to watch someone learn about you when i know even the most basic of things like how you want your coffee done
little does she know, i've heard the same things you've said to her once or twice before
i hope she straightens out the creases on your bed only to ruffle them up again as if i was never there
tell me though, have you thrown out our pictures in your wallet to save space for your new ones with her?
i also can't help but wonder how many times she has to kiss you in order to wipe me away from your lips
and lastly, no matter how much this may pierce through my entire being...
please ignore me as i count the tears that stream down my cheek each time you tell her you love her

I wish I could take back
some of my hellos
because I despise the pain
brought by goodbyes

waking up to you curled up on my side
your shoulders welcoming my tender touches on your skin
the dip in your neck where I can leave my kisses
hips where for my arms to circle around
hair still smothered in the fragrance of last night's shampoo
nuzzling into you, I'm welcomed by a mixture of beads of sweat and warmth
you shuffle in your position, and turn to face me
eyes opened only halfway, still recovering from a dreamlike trance
you dare open your mouth to utter a word, but I stop you halfway with a gentle kiss
pulling away, your lips are curved into a tiny smile
and with the raspiest voice you can gather, you greet me "Good morning"
and indeed, that was all I needed to know I had a good day ahead of me

You may never understand
How much I love the way
You laugh at the simplest things
How you wear nothing but
The color black
How you scream
Instead of sing
How much I loved you more
Than anyone else could

oh, wow, it's bright out today
there's color everywhere, people shining smiles at you as if you've known each other for years
somehow, you feel home
but do you remember what it was like in the dark?
or well, what it was like being in the closet?

the closet was a cold place where i was surrounded by the same four corners and in these four corners i had very little space to be the person i am
i try to stretch out but there's not enough room so i limit myself so as i'm not a problem
i limit myself so people don't have to take the time to build a bigger closet for me
i mean, if they're happy with the way the closet is why should they change it right
why would they waste time on something that they perceive as a mistake to society

the closet was a place that made me feel alone even though i was out in a crowd
it's like i see people but i can't act pass the limits that this closet provides for me
i try to break through this closet but this closet has long been under maintenance honey
one wrong move and this wood could crumble and people will look at you as if you were a joke

the closet didn't allow me full access to opening its door, or doors if that's the kind of closet you'd perceive
i'd open the tiniest little peek, and only a few people saw me open up that tiny space
they'd approach and wonder, but they approached me differently
i knew that no matter how beat up this closet was, they came with no harm and they'd even help keep this closet in tact as long as it's my safe space for the time being
i'd tell them how much i love the closet, and they'd tell me of the life outside it

the closet was a place that i considered a home while hiding from my family who called the closet names
they hated the closet, they'd rather have nothing to do with it
but like most people, why would they waste their time on a beat up closet

the closet was a place where i hid from the girl i liked knowing that she'd never like me back
it was where i could sulk for all the times i wish i could be the one she smiled at every single day
but for now all she sees a fabricated person hidden behind a beat up closet, and not me for me

but now i'm tired of the closet, it's boring, the wood is being chipped off, my friends who understand are waiting for me
the day came when i finally decided to step out of the closet
it was a slow process but i managed to pull through it
there were people who forced me back in but there were even more people who helped me step out
and looking back at that beat up closet, i decided to break it apart myself and it was the best i've ever felt in a long time

and i'm telling you, it really is bright out today
there's color everywhere, people shining smiles at you as if you've known each other for years
this, this is home
this is what i missed in the dark
this is my safe space

i always thought angels wore white, had
wings, and had a clean reputation
but the one i saw wore plaid, and still managed to look breathtaking
she didn't have wings, but she dances in a way that lifts her off and back to earth with such ease
she's caused havoc here and there, but that's what makes her exciting

i've also thought heaven was a depiction of paradise
but anywhere feels like paradise when i'm with her

i felt your hot breaths on my face
the extreme anticipation as your lips neared mine
i felt the warmth coming from your embrace
the synchronization of our hearts' beats
i felt the perfection as our fingers intertwined
the silence in the air but the noise in my emotions
i felt the way your hair brushed against me
the way it hid your face from time to time
i felt the motion as your curled up to my side
the safety and security i knew i had
i felt the intensity as my name matched with your sleepy voice
the sound of sweet serenity

i felt the morning sun rising up to shine upon everything
the night has faded, the moment has ended
i felt my eyes opening up to the feeling of loneliness
the empty side to my right desiring your presence
i felt the need for you so much
the person i may never have on the same bed

i felt it
the dream

i hate airports
i hate the dull colors, the staff who do nothing but the usual routine
i hate the food, if that's any good
but most of all, i hate the idea of parting, the idea of saying goodbye
no matter how near or how far you may go, just knowing that you'll be away from my grasp is painful enough
i hate hearing the plans for your trip
seeing your bags packed in the living room, boxes set just for extra storage
i hate the feeling that something's missing in a home
the voices i once heard, the noise which i didn't mind
they all part on a stupid plane
i hate that "back to normal" air you leave behind
the ride going to the airport
please, just, i don't want to go but you asked me to
every time we inch closer to the airport, i look at you and i want to beg for you to stay but that won't do any good
not anymore, it never will
who am i to mess up your ticket and your flight, right?
the road signs that indicate how close we are
i don't wanna see them
but i have to
i wanna know how much time i have before you get on that plane
i can already imagine the ride back
in that ride alone, you've already left a big mark of your absence
i'd wonder why i could finally move my legs around
then i'll figure it's because your luggage is finally gone
even the seat you sat on is enough to get me to tears
anyway, please don't take photographs
i hate that too
please don't capture this moment where the minute you go in, it'll be the last i'll see of you, at least on the soil i stand on
don't give me a hug, for god's sake don't give me a hug
if anything, i might never let you go
it'll be a while before i get another one of your hugs, so please don't give me a hug
don't give me a hug just to let me feel the emptiness once you walk away
thing is, i'm not the only one feeling this sadness
right and left there are goodbyes
there are couples who are a few goodbyes away from a long distance relationship
there is a kid clinging to her dad's leg asking him to stay or take her along because he's working abroad
there are people sharing words to family members who live far away
there's so many people feeling the same but... why does it still hurt
"be good okay?"
i promise
"we'll call when we get there"
because we both know we won't be able to feel each other physically anymore
"don't cry"
just give me a second
"we'll be back soon"
don't give me this uncertainty
"bye"
don't say that
"bye"
please don't say that
"bye"
don't say that, it'll make me regret ever seeing you arrive in the first place
"bye"
don't say that...

i hate airports

yes, i hate you
i hate the way you
make me write poems
about the way your smile
curves up nicely
on the sides of your lips
i hate the way my pointless verses
describe the way your laugh
is my blissful melody
i hate how you keep me up at night
replaying memories of how
at one point
i was the center of your attention
i hate how you make me jealous
how you force me to see you happy
and it's not because of me
i hate how i'm selfish, in need,
close to insanity
i hate you
oh yes, i hate you

i savor the feeling of intoxication
as it never fails in comparison to anesthesia
for a moment i didn't mind feeling pain
it didn't hurt thinking about your perfection
and how i was never worthy of it

I know the sun was bright
But the only thing that shined
Was your smile

I know the rain poured
But what took me away by storm
Was your presence

I know the music was way too loud
But the only thing I heard
Was your voice

I know the place was full of people
But the only face I saw
Was yours

I know you came to see the show
But what I came to see
Was you

they say that a kiss is a form of surrender
for it is not the same as a wave, a high five, a shake of a hand, nor a hug
it is both a physical and emotional connection
whereas some people do it over a game of spin the bottle, kissing the next person the bottle points to
while others kiss and spare themselves from the alcohol induced intoxication, settling for a whole other level of intoxication brought on by another human being

it is different when you kiss someone for the sake of kissing them
it is almost a language, wherein it translates even some of your deepest thoughts to lower lip nibbles
your needs to the subtle exhales, breathy grunts

it is also awakening, as you come in for the kiss eyes closed but open upon separation to see and be faced with what you were just most vulnerable with
the reality hits you
you were within another's space, clenching on to their clothes as if for salvation, drawing them close as if they were to drift away like jack in the titanic

but then it doesn't take too long for you to go back in and feel that same rush
it is the rush of losing yourself and letting not just your lips but entire body be in the responsibility and confinement of the other
it does not bother you, or scare you, however
you feel almost woozy like experiences with alcohol, when in fact it is all from the kiss
you are more than willing to risk personal sobriety for this form of intoxication, even if it leaves you panting from the exhaustion and adrenaline afterwards

then it's your turn
when the other looks at you and waits
eyes tracing from the surface of hazel straight into the void of your soul
nothing is more audible than their breaths and the beats of their heart
with a voice so weak yet so eager
"just kiss me"
and then, they too, surrender

her story lies behind the layers of foundation and her waterproof eyeliner
she has a name people say but an identity she can no longer come to terms with
people hand her bandages but the scars will always bleed through and she's learned to accept this
she has a script where each page opens with the question on whether or not she's okay but she never is
they tell her to go to church but there are demons within her that aren't the ones religion can simply bless and pray away
she presents eyes with a vibrant shade of brown but all she can see through them are black and white
she's troubled, in pain, lost, insecure, scared, but most of all...

she's more than the layers of foundation and waterproof eyeliner

how do you sleep at night
and run around my mind
at the same time

i stare at the sky
and i start tracing wishes
they form lines
and they all lead to you

my heart beats
in sync with the lullaby
and this sweet tone
is about you

and in that moment
i truly understood
the "good"
in goodnight

heard the church choir singing songs of praise
but your voice alone was enough to make me holy

the curtains rise and all i can think about are the rows of faces that i know nothing about and the pressure of putting on a good show
my body moves according to muscle memory as the music starts to play

don't miss your cue
don't miss your cue
don't miss your cue

i hit each note and beat as needed, but that's just the first scene
you come up on stage once again the same time i do
and you look at me the way you were instructed to do so

don't break character
don't break character
don't break character

i deliver the lines as i'd internalized for
but little do you know i'm dying inside
we're told to look eye to eye for this one song
and i slide my fingers through the spaces between yours

don't fall in love
don't fall in love
don't fall in love

i braced myself for the last few notes of the song, but i braced myself even more for the reality that is to come once the curtains come down

i approach you offstage with every intention to tell you what i feel
but i miss my cue

i put on a strong face to show i'm not hurting
but i break character

i told myself i wouldn't let my feelings get in the way
but i fell in love

i'm facing my laptop right now
thinking how much i can put on this empty notepad note
i wanna see if i can fill it up to the point where the document'll be needing a scroll bar
i'm facing my laptop right now because i can't face myself
i can't face the fact that it has come to a certain point where lying to myself has reached a certain extreme
i can't face the fact that it might not just be liking you anymore
scary isn't it
but there must be some explain for all of this
how else can i explain the fact that i sometimes wish i got to see you more often
how else can i explain that i wish whenever i see you, i actually get the chance to hear you say "hello" first
or, maybe those times when i lay in my bed wondering what it'd be like if you were next to me
would my arms circle around you twice, are you a heavy sleeper, do you shuffle in your position more than once
all those stupid questions
oh, maybe you'd joke about how sleep is a rare occurence given your major... same goes for me i guess
it probably isn't just liking you anymore when i say that i want to be the one who makes you happy
i wanna see you smile and i wanna have that certain pride and, for joke's sake, have the bragging rights to have caused that smile
you're probably aware that you're beautiful
you say you're beautiful but along with that beauty you are equipped with a certain strength
and i appreciate that
i appreciate how you can stand alone, how you build yourself up to face the world the way you want to
it's probably rude of me, and not just liking you, when i ask if it would be okay if i joined you
i wouldn't mind telling you you're beautiful each day
i wouldn't mind telling the truth every single time
sometimes i see you and the words of how beautiful you are slip my breath without me knowing
it's probably rude of me to deny myself of these feelings
it's probably not just liking you when it comes to these feelings
it's probably enough that i have nothing but a notepad file to express these feelings
it's probably time that i faced myself rather than my laptop about these feelings
it's probably because i'm falling for you
and that sounds quite right

beyond the lights
beneath the music
i see an angel
who sings my song
i constanly wait
on a shooting star
just so i can wish
to hear that song again

it's another day where she hides
it's another day of lying to herself
it's another day of reciting "i'm okay" with the most fabricated of smiles
she is surrounded by the heights of cities and a sky full of clouds that come and go
there is chatter here and there
a couple talking about their dreams
over here is a kid asking for another ice cream cone
but all she sees is black and white
all she hears are her thoughts
there is no sun in her eyes
neither is there rain
it's just dark
it's too dark
it's also quiet
until she is interrupted by the slightest hint of worry
she came into this world with the lightest of steps
she lives today with extra weight on her feet
she is a girl who's learned that some lies and broken promises leave an even bigger mark than cuts and bruises
this poor girl who is constantly torn between calling for help or staying to make sure no damage has been done
she's scared
she always has been
she's like this
well, she wasn't always like this
everyday she hides in the sunshine of others just to blend in
everyday she lies as a temporary escape from her thoughts, only to come back a few seconds after
everyday she recites "i'm okay"
she is
she swears she is

there you are dancing in smoke and lights moving along to the bass of the music
once again the crowd cheers for you

if only you knew how i cheered for you even backstage without all the special effects, with your hair pinned up and your face clear as day

I'm drowning into that void again
I'm screaming, but no one's there
I reach out, but there's nothing to hold on to
I've found myself in this pit of misery

It's ganging up on me
The monsters and my demons
They've come to torture me
And there's no escape

I see no light, yet I feel the tears running down
I hear nothing, but my own cries
I'm ripping my hair off, feeling no pain at all
I'm used to it anyway

Don't you just hate it when you go into this state
Where you're not sure if anyone cares
Or gives the slightest **** about you?
Yeah, I hate it too

I'll claw on to what's not even there
Counting off for no reason
I just want to feel better
When does it all get better?

some people ask me why you
why you of all people
i give them answers
but i am only entertained with more questions, as if i've never said anything
it then hits me that it's quite possible that only i can understand these things

apparently only i can understand that your presence is enough of a reason for me to keep living life the way it is
only i can understand that your smile is more than a gleam of light, it is hope that making people happy can go a long way
your smile is external and internal proof that i can actually be a good person

they'll never understand that i see your talent
they'll never understand that i see more than that

you're an amazing dancer, but they never got to see the passion that built the amazing dancer you are
they never saw you with sweat trickling down your face because you never got that one move down
they'll never see the times you strained yourself stretching to inhumane lengths just to achieve the acquired flexibility

and your voice
they hear it, they hear how beautifully you pull off each note
but will they ever hear the times your voice was hoarse and nearly a whisper
they'll never know how much water you had to take in for the sake of clearing up your throat

they'll never know the underlying struggles
i like you but not just because you are you
i like you for how you've become you
i like how you're not just someone
i like how you're a story

and if it all goes well
i hope you like me enough to include me in your story

you talk a lot about love
but don't feel much of it
you get a lot of love
but never reciprocate it

I'll tell you the truth
Yes, my poems are about you
Every glance at you was more than a picture perfect memory
It was a golden experience
These are the songs I listen to
Because they all remind me of you
Both the good and the bad
You're the last thought I have before i close my eyes at night
Whatever you saw as a plain hello and goodbye to me
Were pieces to complete my day
You made me jealous
Even though I didn't have the right to be
I'm afraid that this time next year
You won't be the center of my attention
I knew I was with the wrong person
Because all I could think about
Was how amazing you were
And how stupid I was to let you go

I go to sleep broken
And I wake up in pieces
Each part of me left in a dream

Dreams

Where I believe is my illusion of happiness
Some parts of me are gone
The parts of me that were smart enough to stay in my dreams

Others you took with you
I am shattered, I am not myself

Sometimes...

            I'm just tired of feeling.

I  wish I wasn't so nice
I was so busy making sure everyone else was okay

I forgot my own existence