i left the same day that the wildfires clouded your skies with orange dust, dirt, and debris
how fitting
they always say the weather matches your mood
in the same way the smoke from the fires was ripping through the air
i, too, was being ripped from your embrace
i felt the smoke fill my lungs as i gasped for breath
or maybe it was a cry for help
i like to think of it as mother nature placing a veil over what could’ve been
in a way she protected me
i didn’t have to face you as i left

it’s more than just a happy song

i don’t know how to write a poem when i’m happy
but if i did, it would be called "strawberry swing"
i’ve had this title in my head for two years now
because an unexplained feeling always engulfs me when i hear that song
probably because it reminds me of that day

we went to the lake
but funny enough
that’s what i remember the least
what do i remember?

well, first, i remember turning into the wrong parking lot
hoping we were lost
so we could stay there longer
hoping the forecast for rain would hit
so we could “sit in the car and wait for it to blow over”

i remember the curving country roads that you drove around
(probably a little too fast—but that’s okay, it added to the thrill, to the excitement in my heart)
that wound for miles with no end in sight
which i was perfectly fine with
as i sat in the passenger seat listening to you hum along to the playlist we made together

i remember it was late june, early summer
warm enough to have the windows down
warm enough to see the sun dance across the windshield before speckling our skin, our eyes with light
the same sun that i noticed, for the first time, called your freckles out of hiding
warm enough for the car to get just a little bit too hot once we returned
but i didn’t care as long as you were in it

i remember having a conversation and being surprised that you were looking at me while i spoke
nodding your head along
smiling
inquiring
interested in me
i remember thinking that was a new feeling

i remember the closer and closer we got to home
the more and more excuses i tried to come up with in my head to get you to stay
how many red lights could we hit?
do you need to fill up on gas?
will all the street parking outside my house be full?
(so we can circle the block
even 5 more seconds will suffice)

well, we sat there for a while
you wanted to stay longer
making small talk like we did for months
neither of us wanted to leave
what are you doing later?
have you heard this song?
are you free any other days this week?

but we didn’t want this week
we wanted today
right now
this moment

it’s such a perfect day

the first night you came over
after a few drinks of warm seltzer
i ran into the bathroom, gripped the sink, stared at myself in the mirror and said, “he is going to love me like i deserve”
i casually walked back to the living room, picked up my can, and drank the warm seltzer
the taste of the best summer of my life

now, as i sit here writing, it’s been over a year, and he does in fact love me like i deserve
yet i am here, running into my bathroom, gripping the sink, staring at myself in the mirror, and wishing that there was another body in the frame next to mine
i casually walk back to the living room, pick up my phone, and open the countdown app for the fifth time today to look at the number of days until i can see you again
16 days
that’s better than 31 like last time

if you ask me what the taste of the summer is for this summer
i’d tell you “longing”
but really, i’d be wishing it was warm seltzer
warm on your breath as you pulled me closer into you and whispered something in my ear

The start of one thing
The end of another
“Love is only a feeling,” they say
And i’m starting to believe it

Do I remember this day as the start of something good
Or do I remember it as the end of something better
No
Rather than making it about you
Or you
I’m making it about me for once

No more reminiscing on what could have been
No more sifting through different versions of the same story in my head
From now on, this will not be a day to dwell on the past, but rather to embrace the future

Love is only a feeling?
I will never believe it.
Love is a force stronger than the sun, moon, and all the stars
And one day it will come back

i step out of your car and my stomach immediately drops to the floor
like that moment on a roller coaster
we’re trying to be just friends right now
each time we’ve hung out, it reminds me why we can’t be just friends
i want more
i need more
friends don’t leave other friends with an awkward silence and a sadness that stays with them all night
i used to step out of your car feeling happy and fulfilled
but now i am longing for more
while i sit around and wait to hear from you again
because waiting is better than not having you in my life at all

the last night we spent together
i was asleep
you had to park and walk because there were no empty spaces

the next morning i drove you to your car
and i dropped you off
and i drove back home
and i had absolutely no idea that was the last time

that was the only time that you ever had to park that far away
you always found a space up close
i never had to drive you to your car
only walk you to the door
give you a hug
and say, “See you later!”

it was weird
your car wasn’t even that far away
just in the next parking lot over
but i wish i could get those 2 minutes back
i wish there was an empty space
then maybe the distance wouldn’t manifest itself

writing doesn’t come to me in all the most conventional moments i guess
staring at myself in the bathroom mirror
feeling thoughts approach me stronger than they have in a while

i mutter a quiet, “what is happening”
i haven’t felt this way in a while
followed by a more assured, “i need to write”
this is the only way to combat the noise

you see, for me, writing isn’t fueled by every day occurrences, or inspiration from the world around me
it’s fueled by my body being engulfed by thoughts
happiness, sadness, anger, anything really
thoughts standing in my brain, crawling into my face, jumping into my throat, heart, lungs,
until they’ve taken over

i can’t control when i write, just like i can’t control when thoughts come
why did they come today?
maybe it’s because i didn’t have someone next to me when i woke up
maybe it’s because i’m unsure of what the future holds

whatever the case might be,
i want to thank you, thoughts
thank you for giving me the power to write
and i want to thank you, self
thank you for not dismissing thoughts

Sitting outside and the birds are singing
The leaves are dancing in the wind
The sunlight is seeping in through the gaps in the leaves and casting speckled shadows along the pavement
And I know we’re all going to be okay

Light has a new meaning to us now
What did it mean before?
Think about that.
In these dark times all we have is light
And all we can do is let the light in

Light can be whatever you want it to be
But you have to accept it
Don’t let the darkness get to you
Whatever you do, don’t let the darkness get to you

I want you to embrace the light
Let the birds sing
Dance like the leaves dance
Feel the sunlight on your skin
And take comfort in knowing that every day brings forth new light

10:50pm
i haven’t written in two years
this one goes out to music
and the stars
because who needs a person when you’ve got all your favorite songs to sing you to sleep

10:50pm
this time last month i’d be waiting
sitting and waiting
and waiting and waiting
waiting to feel something
anything
and i’d get in my car and i’d drive
seal myself up in my own little world where i couldn’t feel anything but the bass rattling my lungs
and the stars

10:50pm
all of the stars are out
although it doesn’t seem like it here
not like at home
but i imagine them
just me and the stars
and our favorite songs
and we drive
and we sing
and it’s perfect

10:50pm
clarity
comfort
peace

slowly and softly,
we drip back into our own little worlds,
composing the structure that we each need to survive,
yours being the complete opposite of mine,
but that's okay,
because a drop of wax can build a new candle,
and all that candle needs is a spark.

a sudden burst of excitement!
because, wow, we have something to talk about!
and we talk and we laugh and we smile,
sometimes by ourselves, and other times in each other's company,
and we never think this fun is going to end,
because how could it end?
the pleasure has only just begun!

in the beginning, it starts out like this:
you talk to me, I talk to you
back and forth
we don't really know what we're talking about,
grasping at various ideas until we find some sort of connection,
and once we've found that connection,
it has started.

You listen to music for the music, and I listen to music for the lyrics.

And that is the difference between us.

You get caught up in the intertwining of chords and harmonies and sound, while I get caught up in the story and the meaning of the song.

You get so excited when you hear a new song because of how it makes you feel, and this is why I listen to the lyrics, because I love that about you.

I need a song to put my thoughts into words.
I need a song to explain how I'm feeling, when maybe I can't get the point across myself.
I need something to express my emotion and my longing.
I need you to know how I feel.
I need you to start listening to the lyrics.

Today is my birthday and I guess I got what I wanted, which was talking to you again.

The past two years I missed having someone to talk to who cared about me, and I’m not sure if you still care, but you seemed like it because you told me, “If [I] don’t have fun tonight [you’re] going to be mad at [me].”
That was just one of the things.

Well I guess I had fun because I listened to the playlist that you made me and I talked to you.
And that’s what I wanted right?
Right.

What I didn’t want was to lie on my floor crying off and on for an hour because that playlist, a simple thing, made me so happy and so scared. I am so scared because I do not know what is happening and I am afraid it is just going to vanish before my eyes like last time.

But I’m timid and I’m shy, too shy to tell you this, too worried about how it might affect the course of events playing out, so I will just write it down here in hopes that you’ll come across it one day. I hope you do see it and take note of just how much the little things you do matter to me.

I'm going to bed happy
for the first time in a long time.

And it feels good.

I'm going to bed with a smile on my face
for the first time in a long time.

And it feels good.

I'm going to bed laughing
for the first time in a long time.

And it feels so good.

What we did was so innocent
Even when it was not innocent within itself
It still felt like it

The way you would hum a little tune as I let myself blossom
Such as a flower after a warm spring rain
For you

The way we couldn't even say the word
We came up with a code that was secretly ours that would make no sense to the outside world
Only we could understand it in our little eutopia

And now we've grown and we're not so innocent anymore
We've changed and we've gone our separate ways but now we're gravitating back
Or so it seems

I can't help but think of that blossoming flower
Of that funny little tune
And of the innocence that existed strictly between the two of us

Do you ever feel like if you breathe too loud during a quiet song
You won't be able to hear the music?

Are you ever afraid you might miss your soon-to-be favorite part of the song
All because you breathed at the wrong moment?

Well I'm lying here and I'm listening to the most beautiful song
And I can't concentrate on the song because I'm too busy concentrating on my breath

And do you ever feel like you go through life like this?
Like you want so much to say what you need to but you're afraid you'll ruin the most beautiful parts?

I'm guilty of this
Of sacrificing my breath to hear the most beautiful song

WHY DO I LIVE IN THIS FANTASY DRIVEN WORLD

WHY DO I THINK THAT WHEN YOU’RE IN THE SAME TOWN AS ME FOR ALL OF 30 MINUTES THAT YOU’RE JUST MAGICALLY GOING TO SHOW UP AT MY DOOR AND WANT ME BACK

WHY DO I LET MYSELF GET SAD OVER THE FACT THAT YOU’RE NOT ACTUALLY GOING TO SHOW UP

WHY DO I ALLOW MYSELF TO BE CONDITIONED BY THE TV SHOWS AND MOVIES WHERE THIS IS A NORMAL THING

I LIVE IN THE REAL WORLD AND STUFF LIKE THIS DOESN’T JUST HAPPEN

I LIVE IN THE REAL WORLD AND STUFF LIKE THIS DOESN’T JUST HAPPEN

I don’t know how to just be your friend
Trust me, that’s literally all that I want to be
Because I can’t be stuck in this back and fourth continuous stream forever

When we reconnected, I felt something inside of me that I hadn’t felt since the day we met
And that’s sappy and stupid, but I don’t care
How dare I let myself get close to you again
And we’re not even close
We’re nowhere as close as we used to be, but in a way we’re closer
How dare you renter my life and think that it’s fair to just pick up where we left off, but actually not
Because you know the impact you have on me

Did you know that the last time I cried up until recently was February of 2016?
But then recently, when I got scared of what was going to become of this newfound friendship,
I cried again — every night for a few nights
And when I think of you leaving again like you left the first time it honestly breaks my heart

Did you know that I wrote a letter to you a few weeks ago when we hung out for the first time
Because it didn’t feel like the first time, it just felt like a continuation of all the other times
Except this time was better
I wrote a letter that I had planned to give to you after a while of reconnecting
But now I just really don’t know

You said me “I think it would work better if we had dated now, rather than two years ago”
How the hell do you think you can just say something like that and it be okay
How do you think that you can have late night conversations with me
And send pictures back and forth
And, oh god, the worst, SHARE MUSIC WITH ME
And keep up this so called “friendship”

But no, not as a regular thing
God forbid we have more than a 5 minute conversation in one day
And just to be clear, no, I don’t think that it’s “unreasonable” to be developing feelings

I wish you would just give it a chance again
I know you recently felt something, even if it was just a little, because you told me
And because I saw the real you for a split second
And yes, that messed with my head even more, in case you were wondering

Do you believe in soul-mates?
Because I do with my whole entire being
And the reason I can write this without it being weird
And the reason I’m putting up with the 5 minutes a day, is because there is something here and it has not gone away and it will not go away
And I’m literally sacrificing any feelings that could be developing for anyone else during this time
Because I am not giving up, and honestly, I never did give up
I was upset and I acted out, but that was only to hide that I still cared
And I really think, well, hope, that deep down you might still care as well

I’m sorry
I don’t know what was your fault
or what was mine
And I don’t know why at the time I acted the way I did because I was definitely at fault
But all I know is I’m asking for forgiveness
I crave forgiveness
I need forgiveness just as I need to breathe

I’m not sure if you feel the same way
And I don’t know if I’ll ever know
Oh the wonder
So I’m writing this in case you stumble over it one day
Oh the anticipation

I need my friend back
A friendship was broken on that day along with many things
But most importantly a friendship
And I have been searching and seeking for something that will fulfill that position of a best friend and nothing has come along
Nothing is good enough

I just need my friend back
Someone to talk to at the end of the day
But that was ruined and for that I need to say I’m sorry

Why won’t you leave me alone?
All I want in this world is to rid the caverns of my mind from your face
Your eyes
And I don’t even know what else
Everything?

It’s been long enough now
I keep telling myself that I’ve had enough time to cope
But then I play with the fact that you’re still thinking of me
And the cycle of wonderment begins again
And again
And
Again
Until I’ve driven myself into endless thoughts that I regret

And it doesn’t help that your friends post pictures of you
I really don’t like having you pop up in the middle of my life
Like the first flower of spring
Except I like that
But not you
And I have to keep telling myself that
So when the petals break through the snow
I don’t freak out

But I still do

Will I ever stop?

It’s interesting to me how both of you acknowledge that spot
The location where you supposedly “proposed to [my] dad”

You chose to bring up every detail

While you just note that its location has moved

Every time you come to visit me
Every time we pass by
“That’s the spot where I proposed to your dad!”
“Hey, there’s the blind tiger! It didn’t used to be there.”

And me in the passengers side seat
Relating these comments to the past 14 years of my life

How you tell me about all the times you shared together

And you never say one word about any of it

So maybe that’s why you left
And why you’re holding onto something that isn’t there
Or wasn’t there in the first place

Boys aren't everything
Bodies and ***** and butts and *****
And you're better than that you know
You're more than you give yourself credit for

And all that I see everyday is more and more of you searching viscously for this feeling of nothing
A nothing that makes you feel something
But does it?

“I don't want love”
“I don't want a nice boy”
“I don't want someone to cuddle me at night”
Well then what do you want

How can you feel fulfilled by the empty void of nothing
You can't!
And I know because you keep looking
Why would you keep looking if you weren't searching for something

So maybe you could stop searching for whatever it is you're trying to find
And start capturing the qualities within yourself that are too good for any one night stand
The beauty and brightness and bliss

it's a strange occurrence
hearing sirens pulsate through the rough brick walls of the silent still sanctuary on sunday mornings
every sunday morning for as long as i can remember

the service doesn't stop and the sermon doesn't stop
but i can't help but wonder what would happen if they did
what would happen if we stopped worrying about our lives and started worrying about theirs - those who have been affected by that shrill call
every sunday morning for as long as i can remember

why is it that we receive the honor of being safe inside when there are people suffering outside
how do we say a prayer for healing but go about our daily lives not thinking about what we hear right outside our windows
every sunday morning for as long as i can remember

perhaps some people do let the sound interrupt their routine thoughts
are those the lucky few who are called angels?
it shouldn't be their job to save the world
if we let the warning resonate through our minds and not just through the rough brick walls then maybe sirens wouldn't be heard
every sunday morning for as long as i can remember

is an egg ever left out of the egg carton?
or a red crayon out of a pack of 24?
what about the right-foot-sock or the left-hand-glove?
no

did the husband ever forget about his wife?
well, maybe sometimes
but i would never forget about you

the group of white sheep
and i the black
roaming around aimlessly
searching for friendship
for an invitation into your bountiful pasture
where you graze day after day
and where i stand on the other side of the fence gazing in
wondering if you'll notice me or my efforts
or anything really

do you notice anything other than yourselves?
can you see over your side of the fence?
do you even want to see?

i am the egg
i am the red crayon
i am the right-foot-sock and the left-hand-glove

do you know what happens to things that are lost?
they are eventually found

one day I said to you, "I'm an introvert"
because you didn't understand why I was acting the way I was
and you said, "no you're not"
but I think I would know
and how could you have any idea
you aren't inside of my brain

it's why I was reluctant to take you to concerts
even though I wanted to go too
I couldn't bring myself to it
all the anxiety
all the noise
we could have our own private concert in the comfort of the living room
but that's not what you wanted

it's why on the way home at night in the dark I wanted to enjoy every moment of silence I had with you
every last word in every last song
traveling down the dark road looking up at the stars

you couldn't understand though
all I could think about was you saying, "no you're not"
and then I had to calm you down when you got mad at me for not talking to you
because apparently I "didn't care"
when in all reality sitting in silence in the dark car
with the lyrics
and the stars
and your breath shifting between your lips
meant more to me than a casual conversation ever would

As I look back on times that have long past,
And think about the good times that we shared,
I start to realize why it didn’t last:
Because we only focused on who cared.
It’s hard at first to let the memories go,
Sometimes I want to relive everyday,
But over time they’ll melt like fallen snow,
And happiness will come in different ways.
I’ll take delight in someone else’s glance,
Allowing light to flood into my life.
The butterflies inside me do a dance,
No more I’ll be weighed down by all the strife.
     I cannot wait for what life has in store.
     My heart wide-open; wings outstretched to soar.

you had these white plates
i never knew how one could keep plates that pristine
like they had been dipped in bleach
before and after every use

we used to eat off of those plates
those beautiful ivory discs
it was always spaghetti that we enjoyed together
at least once a week
i couldn't figure out how all that red never once stained the surface
i still don't know

i think your heart was like those white plates
those beautiful, generous, pure plates
that concluded some of the best days of my life
i spooned out my love
but it never once stained the surface

how do i know?

because in the end you were just left
with those white plates
like they had never once been eaten on
with a clean slate for someone else to stain

you know
i know
when we said forever we didn't mean it
or maybe i did
because i know i can't stop
thinking of that word forever
the way it rolled off your lips
the way you whispered it before we parted ways at night
but maybe you knew
that what you were saying wasn't the truth
maybe you just wanted me to hang on so you'd have someone to say forever to
but now you know
now you know i'm gone
and you know that with that you're also gone
whether you choose to admit it
or not
and that's what i know