I am stuck in between ***** it all let me quit and just die
And .....
hold on... maybe your big break is next door, in your next step or right around the corner
every body has everything from a good job to a loving boy friend and family....
if we are all deserving of that why do I not have any of it.

Maybe the one that supplies happiness often stops at the same number every day and starts all over every morning forgetting that there are more people down at this end.
I do not know if I can say that I am sad, depressed or just done.

I just want to be happy for along time too
for things to work out for a long time too
is that too much to ask for from a  universe and God that blesses everyone but me.

Give me a break already.

I guess I've dreamt of you for as long as I could read.
So I imagine you.
Large old buildings. Chilly weather practically all year
Amazing accents. Amazing places to see and belong
Probably amazing people....
A place so written about with rich amazing history.
Please let me see you.
Let all roads lead to us
Let us happen in this life time.

I met you.
you walked in, perfect sense of style and classy phone
your big beard didn't make sense to others but did to me
it seemed to make you so male and perfect and I liked that.
I didn't see you as perfect, I just saw you as mine possible.
the kind of attraction didn't make sense to me either
I cannot point out what I loved most about you.
I just loved you with a love so gentle, perfect and innocent.
I think I'm over you until I remember you and sometimes it feels like I will always be gripped.

I met him.
He walked through the corridor.
with his hat on, full jumper, jeans and African print back pack.
he looked perfect in his shorts...had your sense of style.
but most importantly, he had your beard.
then he removed his sweater and showed his tattoos.
he smoked like a chimney and drunk enough not to get high.
I always hated the smell of cigarettes until I met him
maybe it was the way the smoke mixed up with his cologne.
giving him his unique scent that I hold onto on a t shirt in my closet.
I couldn't wash it in case I lost that scent, so I just kept it.
one meeting, many hugs, one kiss one night....
and he was gone too.... forever

I met you through another
its what I tell my self because I cannot seem to forget you both
the guys with the beard.
you made me look at beards different.
he added tattoos and cigarettes to the list.....

I miss you both.

i.   the first time I saw you, you sat on the floor
at my house, I'd never met or seen you.
You smiled and said my name, then my sister's.
you seemed like the kind of person that belongs.
that fits perfectly and can be held onto.

ii.  we were perfect, making merry and laughing at things
it looked bright for the both of us.
that first night, we promised each other that we could always work it out.
no matter how rough it could ever get.
if only we had seen us now.

iii.  you jeer at everything I do or say.
according to you I am mean and unloving, disrespectful even.
according to me you are selfish, mean, bad hearted, bad mannered, uncultured, disrespectful, childish, unforgiving, filled with anger and jealousy, not moral-ed ..... and all the things I shouldn't have ever met.

iv.   its because of people like you that unmeet buttons should have existed.
Hate is a strong word, but sometimes I feel it when I think of you.

To you my darling
Lets take rushed elevator selfies
before the door opens.
Eat lots of cake and pizza
till we feel pregnant from it.
Make tough soda decisions
because I just can't let go.
Take mirror selfies until our bodies
can not take it any more.
From age and kids and years of happiness
Lets take walks on busy during the day
but lazy at night roads
And get lost finding buildings
Let us be a beautiful kind of happy
I loved you then, years ago
I loved you yesterday
And I love you today
Tomorrow.... and many years from now
You get me ......and I want us
You.... to be my kind of forever

I love you.

I wonder what you do when you hear my name
Do you pretend it is a new name,
And go on with what you are doing
Do you think
Oh, I used to know her
She cared too much for what I thought
She could have done anything for me
she loved me

When you hear my name,
read an article I wrote
Listen to a song I hummed often
see a tweet I retweeted or commented on.
Do you miss me?
Do you wonder about me?
Do you wish you had loved me?
Is it just a reminder of how much you never cared
Or how you'd never love me?

When you hear my name
Do you even know or remember me

I need too much or nothing at all.
She said to him
He just laughed, like it was a  big joke.

Kiss her on pavements on lonely streets.
Let her toes curl from the feeling.
Where the trees look beautiful.
And the light from the Inn looks amazing.
Hold her hand on busy streets.
Wear matching t shirts or jackets... or jeans if you can.
Take her to that restaurant.
And all the others on your street and around the town.
Order different things and exchange plates half way.

Let them call ya'll crazy.
But don,t stop loving the way you feel best.
Take selfies every where you feel like.
Hold each other when ever you can.
Make breakfast in the mornings in t shirts or nothing.
Make lovely dinners with candles and wine.
Dress up for them if you must.
Or watch your favorite series in pajamas and eat from the box.
Loving should not have rules.

It should feel right, crazy, or perfect even.
Over the years it may have got an appearance.
But love must always be a feeling.

Through you I lost myself.
I allowed myself to care too much for your validation.
Your likes became my automatic likes and just like that,
I let parts of me I was originally proud of go.

I wanted so bad to escape and you took advantage of that.
You made sure I knew that you were doing me a favour.
That I was the lucky one for being with you.

Through you, I let me die away.
In loosing you, I lost two people I used to love.

When the hour comes.
when I do not exist in the now.
Hold my body tight.
And feel one with the coldness.
because that's the last
you will ever get to take from me.

Deeply, innocently, wholly.
with every fiber in me.
my entire being.
I reached out for you.

Sometimes it feels like
through remembering you,
I have let my self go.

You have the type of face
that gets famous one day.
makes a good father.
and a responsible man.

And that face,
smiles at me every morning lately.

I crave you.
In the deepest most unreal ways.
I’d let you consume me.
And you wouldn’t even have to ask...

you...
your scent, your smile
the way you look dressed up.

I miss parts of you.............
that were never mine
to begin with.

You deserve a love that consumes you.
and makes you feel whole.

You deserve a love that makes you happy.
and leaves no room for doubt.

Love me now...too much.
Love me deeply and wholesomely...
I want to feel you want me.....
Make me crave you...
Your touch, sound, smell......
...you.....
Give me everything...
or nothing.

Where peace prevails....
I have sought.
In my exhaustion,
I just want to breath... clean, fresh air.......
Deep, desperate.... breaths.
I'm drowning in this sadness
I'm dead while I still breath
I just need a break.

They say that bodies come in all shapes and sizes.
that all are beautiful and lovable...

Everyone has a different character too...
why don't we try to love and understand them all.

Change in any way,
means denying ones true self.

Just because you're different, doesn't mean you're all bad.

Just because they say ....
that life moves on if you let it,
does not mean,
that its that simple.
Sometimes you are stuck in a moment...
A bad moment.
Practically forever,
And life ain't moving to any where.

For all the times you feel heart broken....
for all the times you feel sooo sick..
so much that you wish you would jump
in front of a speeding car and just end it.
or all the times loved ones have hurt you.
for all the times u've wished the ground to open and swallow you


You are not ungrateful
you are not selfish, may be you are
but why not.... you live for you...
if you died, you will have died for yourself...
people will cry and miss you...
but not forever
Every day seems like the continuation of a bad dream...
you cannot sleep forever....
you can not pretend the pain away...

They say death is the escape..
no more worries, feelings or pain...
doesn't that sound like a good thing?

It makes you realize that may be....just may be
death would not be a very bad thing.

I dream of big cities
Distant cities.
Beautiful cities
Filled with loving and kind people.

I dream of a better world
Where there is no mean bitter woman
Yelling at you and making you fell less
Feel like an outsider
In the one place
You are supposed to feel safest.

I dream of large bridges
A million lights lighting up dark nights
Tall beautiful buildings.
Beautiful people.
Different shades of skin color
Distant and merry laughter.

Music
Beautiful music
Not far yet not near
Filling ears, filling souls,
Making one feel whole
Bringing memories of yesterday
Not sad, just smile worthy.

I dream of large windows
With large, long cream curtains
Soft and comforting
Cream high walls and soft grey woolen carpets
Warm and *****

I dream of happiness
I dream of better big cities.

i wonder about us
i donot know about us
i am a very sure person
with you its uncertainity
they say love is wierd
or complicated even
but how do i over come this
how do i go past this.

im tired of feeling hopeless
loveless or not sure
love is not complicated
we shouldnt belive it is
its easy
i love you
you love me back
as simple as the words are.

im tired of being told it not possible
that he may walk a way
or have a past i cannot handle
stand by and support me instead
that is what i need
not scary messages
or sad stories
let us love
let us be happy
allow me to love in peace
this is about us
me and him
not the world.
and yess, this is possible.

In a certain version of life you are full.
Fulfilled in what ever you do
Full of a certain kind of in comparable joy
Life blooms around you
Life thrives as long as you are existing.
Every one feels like their lives are and have been made whole
As long as you are involved in that life.
In that version of life...
You feel whole yourself.

This is for those who have never known this moment.
Of course they have moments of it in their heads
They get to zone out in buses or on planes
Looking out windows and imagining that all is well
That all can be well.
Imagining life as they wish it was.
It is sad and empty and terrible yet binding.
In those moments all is well
Split seconds.
Moments in time.
Moments out of their imagined dull existence
Those get to be lived in a better place created in their minds.

I chose to stand on the other end every day
If it was possible every time
But this now  real version is so demanding
Feeding must happen all the time.
The body demands too much in this version
From cleaning to feeding
Protecting when it is in danger
Or treatment when it is ailing.

I chose to see a new version
Where both can exist without one tearing the other apart
Its not being needy or hard to please.
Its wanting to take this feeling away
This feeling that is so burdening and consuming
This endless need to see life from a different perspective.
A perspective where you love here and now
Not because you want to
But because its what is happening
And there are no other options
Gaps for wishing otherwise.
Or days you grad moments and want to hold onto them.

I long for a version where i do not have to feel empty
Or pretend to be fulfilled.