I've always dreamt of Love. The one Love that makes you flush from the inside. The one real Love that does not hurt you, a Love you trust, you fear and cannot live without.

I've loved one man in my life. I'm a simple girl, I don't ask for much, I''m no drama, I give all my trust when i tell you I love you. And that is all. I'm all in. Simply be simple. Yet, I think I love complicated men. A least, he was. Dark, twisted, selfish, self-centred, passionate, yet he loved me. I never doubted that.

I'm an altruist, full of peace and understanding. I don't hate anybody, I dedicated my life to others. I live to change the world, make it a better place. He lives to make his world at his image. And I love him.
I don't judge. I try to be the best version of myself, the person I wish I'd meet in times of need. I'm a nurse. I studied to help others. I don't believe in the economy or our system. We failed to recognised its errors and bugs. I want fix them, or a least be the start of that change. He wanted me to live for me, but mainly to live for him. I did, for a while. Because I'm trustworthy, and I'd do anything for the ones I love. And he was number one. I think he still is.

I told my bestfriend when she got dumped, that the heart always hurts. And the Love always stays. We learn to live with it. The one Love that hurts you, will help you find the next that won't. Yet, one Love won't take the other's place in your heart. Love marks you.
So I try. To give Love, unconditional Love, to everybody I meet. Because we are missing some. And some may not even be enough.

I also want to be loved. I thought he would be my Love. The one that helps you get up and breath. The Love that gives you wings and helps you fly free. I'm not disappointed that he is not. I'm proud I knew I needed to love myself and put that Love first. I lost myself in him for a while, and while I found myself back again, he lost himself in return. So I left. I broke his heart and mine. I left the man I love, the man I will always love, the love of my life.

I hope he's fine. That he found Love in his life, the one only yourself can give you: self love, self respect, trust. And maybe, in a while, I'll see him trust someone for the first time, and it will be the Love of his life.

In the meantime, I'll try to make a difference, to open the eyes of the unloved. I'll try my best to Love. And I hope, I'll have someone to give me back what I gave to the world.

... So, ... I'm not as altruistic as I thought I was.

In her mind, she is an innocent girl.
Still, on the outside, you see a woman.
She may look advised, strong, even human,
But she is some fragile and untouched pearl.

Her mind, hidden by her soft looks and eyes,
Has been darkened by her thoughts, by her life.
Others ask for advices on their strife
Knowing she is as altruistic as wise.

She considers herself unimportant,
Others being more deserving than her.
Overtime, one can see she's a mother;
Always there, it became your true constant.

Who knows what it means
To feel lonely ?
Who knows what it is,
In the mystery,
Being left apart
With your broken soul ?

My unsaved mind
Is nothing more
Than an unsaved man
During a cruel war.
And if you were the one,
Can you make me smile ?

Look around dear !
I suffered enough.
What you see here:
Is it safe enough
For my weak body
And my lonely soul ?

I know you like me
But are you ready
To take care of me:
A wrecked body
With special needs
And a lack of love ?

Cold adds a comforting note to tonight
It wraps around my body, taking it all in
In my basement bedroom, where I've just lost a fight
Far away from home, when I just realised where it's been

I promised, to her, to him, I would be alright
I thought I left in time, strong enough to take care of my life
Yet, I still watch the raindrops dance with the wind and city lights
And music can't cover those noises; my heart being stabbed by a knife

You used strong words that woke my poetry up, I should thank you
I packed my life and left home, twice, this past summer...
All of it for you to keep me thinking about coming back and queue
And you've known all along: for you, I'd be stupid enough to fight the other

C’était encore un de ces mois incertains, indécis, entre l’hiver et le printemps. Comme s’ils avaient choisi de nous laisser dans ce froid fatiguant , tout en nous permettant de redécouvrir les couleurs de la nature, Mars, et peut-être Avril, étaient mes mois favoris. Par ma fenêtre, je voyais la nuit endormir en douceur le monde extérieur. C’était encore tôt. L’été s’approchait et la nuit se faisait de plus en plus tardive. Quelques fois, j’hésitais : étais-ce un supplice ou un bonheur ?  La nuit était pour moi un cocon où le froid, les cris et les colères n’étaient pas présents. Et soudain, le vent soufflait dans le jardin, forçant le bois de mes murs à résister, comme pour repousser cet air presque violent. Je souris encore en entendant le craquement du bois contre le vent. J’avais ce sentiment de paix. Peut-être était-ce moi qui redécouvrait les petits plaisirs de la vie ou tout simplement le bois qui me montrait son soutien et sa présence par un petit chuchotement comme un signe de vie. Dans ces moments, je m’enterrais dans mes duvets d’hiver que Maman allait bientôt remplacer par d’autres moins chauds. Que je détestais ces duvets si froids, si plats et si peu accueillants. Mais pendant le mois de mars, ou le mois d’avril, je pouvais encore me blottir dans les gros bras de ma couette. La solitude en devenait moins pesante. Il y avait moi, le bois, le vent, mon duvet.

Ce que je préférais c’était les orages. En plus du vent, les murs de ma chambre devaient combattre la pluie et le tonnerre. Ce concert de bruits naturels était un de mes meilleurs somnifères. Ma chambre était sous les toits. Elle l’est encore. Allongée sur mon lit, je me laissais bercer par la fatigue, perdant mon regard de plus en plus lourd dans les lattes du plafond. Le bruit de la pluie résonnait si délicieusement dans le cocon que je m’étais construit. La pluie sonne encore comme autrefois : un bruit de clavier ou de triangle. C’était un bruit exquis, rare et faible. Elle était là la beauté de ce son. Sa faiblesse le rendait indispensable. Les instruments à vent s’ajoutaient avec magie, suivis des percussions tremblantes créées par le tonnerre. Et l’orchestre devenait apaisant. Je pouvais sentir la pluie s’infiltrer entre les tuiles. Je l’entendais glisser comme au ralentit jusqu’à ce qu’une goutte imaginaire tombe sur mon visage.

Je n’arrivais jamais à complètement apprécier ces moments. J’avais tant envie qu’ils durent à jamais que je résistais au sommeil jusqu’à en souffrir. La fatigue avait cette force que la pluie et le vent ne possédaient pas. Elle pouvait me rendre si lourde et si crispée. En m’en souvenant, je la trouve en quelques points perverse. Elle est à la fois celle qui vous endort et celle qui vous maintient éveillé. Je ne pouvais que garder les yeux ouverts tellement l’envie d’écouter ces sons merveilleux m’obsédait. Mon corps se fatiguait à défaut de pouvoir se crisper. Et je devais abandonner, dans l’espoir que le beau temps ne s’attarde pas. Malgré cela, je pouvais encore rester là, à peine présente, perdue entre la léthargie de mon corps et la vivacité de mon esprit. Je pouvais imaginer avoir les yeux ouverts, les oreilles attentives. Enfin, la paix reprenait le dessus.

They are not that many
And it's already too much for me
Their name is heard so often
Supposedly for our heart to get soften

As they took my heart as a hostage,
I am loosing sleep and courage.
They frighten me, daily, nightly,
What is the ransom going to be ?

I either will be scared to life
And hide myself behind bars
Or I'll open up… Even though
I'll get hut, for what I know…

And he would say:**
"I'll be here everyday,
Be certain I'll be
The walls of your heart,
Its lock and its key.
I promise I'll be
Guardian of your soul,
Like queen to her bee.
I would close your eyes
Keeping your beauty
From any other guys.
And there'll never be
Another depression
If by your side, it's me.
So I'll always be
The one standing proud
Next to you, baby."

You can just let go
You can let it all go
No one is gonna be mad
We will just be sad

Missing you is gonna be hard
But you're gonna run in heaven's yard
Letting you go is even more
Nobody will resent you, we swore

You are finally hiding your eyes
Even so little, you are so wise
You closed them, and smiled
And we love you, little child

As I open my eyes,
My body starts aching.
The fatigue is my prize
For this overdue awaking.

I've overused my body
I gave too much away
To help others be
When I couldn't find a way.

So I lay here still
Because everything hurts
And I have to pay the bill
Now that what's left of me is inert

Le jour n'est pas levé, mais je regarde le ciel comme s'il était ensoleillé.
J'ai pleins d'espoirs et de rêves. Pas seulement pour aujourd'hui, mais aussi pour demain.
J'ai les yeux mouillés d'une rude nuit pleine d'étoiles filantes.
Je ne veux rien, je ne veux que moi. Je veux tout. Je ne veux rien.

Le jour est levé, mais je regarde le ciel comme s'il faisait nuit.
J'avais pleins d'espoirs et de rêves. Pas seulement pour ce matin, mais aussi pour demain.



The sun is not up, but I'm watching the sky like it was sunrise.
I'm full of hopes and dreams. Not only for today but also for tomorrow.
My eyes are wet of a rude night full of shooting stars.
I don't want anything, I just want myself. I want everything. I want nothing.

The sun is up, but I'm watching the sky like it was night.
I was full of hopes and dreams. Not only for today but also for tomorrow.

You may be real,
You may be not,
I may be a fool,
I may be a dreamer …

If you're real, I beg you ;
I'm just a girl who's trying to be with you !
If you're not, I'll smile.
I just had the most beautiful dream of my life.

If you're real, I'll tell you,
Everything.
How bad I am, how lost I am,
How lonely I am.

And I'll try to be honest,
I'll try to be true.
Because, … what do I have left to loose
When I've already lost everything.

I'll smile,  I'll smile at you
Even if you're real, or just a dream.
I'll smile because
*It may be the thing I have left.

All I wanted was to fast track the pain
When you made me slow down
In a world where everything goes by
At the speed of light

Following your rhythm allowed me to heal
Even tough I missed writing, you taught me
That all takes patience when it needs to surmount
The trials of life

I’ve known passionate love, trahison, heartbreaks
But I never knew I deserved a slow love
A partner caring enough for my wings
So I could fly freely and supported

I like those days, when I'm eager to see
The world changing and I following it.
The light is pale, vulnerable and free
And I'm adjusting, trying hard to fit.

I have been through long crisis, and messes.
Even then, the hardest ones were the best
Since I woke up stronger, with no regrets,
Full of weak hopes, and a soul free of cleft.

I like those days, when I'm seeing myself
Healing, recovering from unfairness.
I'm fighting to fit in, against myself,
Prejudices, judgments or sternness.

I will fight until I will fall again.
Because I know for sure life is unfair:
I've been a witness, and I will feel pain
And hope for best in the deepest despair.