For the people who say, 'the world is leaving you behind!'
tell me, where is it taking you?
If you think having morals like loyalty and self-respect is reason enough to be excluded from your journey,
ask yourself;
**Who is choosing that I stay?

The stillness of my cindered heart,
Even tinder can’t restart!
Swipe right for a face to fill the void.
Endless choice makes me paranoid.

Loosing sight of dreams I dreamt
Behind my charms, emotions spent.
My self-worth lost, inhibitions flee…
Your bodies my map away from me.

In the cold light of morning.
New regrets are dawning.
Entangled in your sheets; silence and pain.
You’re another ‘swipe right’ to add to my shame.

If my dating account was real it would say...

None of you people are the person I'm in love with.

You're just a distraction.

Then I ask myself.

Who are you in love with?

Back and Fourth I swing, my better sides hiding in the trenches of my mind.
My body is no mans land, caught between myself and I.
Violent vocabulary and assaulting alliteration load the barrels of my tongue.
This is self-protection, I'm burdened with armors against affection.
I spew sarcasm with venom, cold-blooded and serpentine.

You're the antidote and if I could I'd make you mine.

I wish I could stop writing about you.
But a dark ink, wells up overflowing the ***.
My hands scoop the ink frantically so I am consumed.
As if hiding in this *** of thoughts as black as a night sky.
There's words woven out of stardust.


~...Words that would make you love me...~

The word ‘poet’ no longer sits comfortably between my teeth.
I grind it, choke it down, regurgitate it, manipulate it to be something it never will.
I wash it down with lovers, cut my feet on the shards of broken hearts I leave behind.
Still, your curse bleeds out from feet and wrists that carry the cross I bare.

You made me from the scars of every woman you ever hurt.
My body is an ocean of tears that were cried in your name.
Your infidelities, the ball tied to the chain that pulls me under.
Under the dead weight of guilt left on a 1000 lips that weren’t my mother.

Now she sits at the table, by all accounts alive and well, but we know you killed her.
Your face rests upon my bones, tormenting her, like a ghost forever caught in limbo..
You're the XY. Shes your ex and I’m your why? Like why create a body you won’t love.
The ghosts of your women scream inside my head, like I should die for your sins.

So I give myself entirely, and fall in love with everyone I meet.
I’m looking for silence, my chalk outline hidden between bed sheets.
Because this is what you taught me, this is all you ever said.
Naked I wait for someone to hold me, to settle the panic in my head.

After all this waiting and wasted time.
I've woken up, I've closed my eyes.
Your words don't rest, insistent whines
No sleep in days, I'm sleep deprived

I thought my bed was to big,
so much space for my small frame.
Its become a battle ground of Roman proportions
A place to fight myself and realities distortions

So I'm sleeping on the floor,
The air is cleaner here, where you're not breathing
I'll let the silence pull me under
Live without a heart to spite your stealing...

It's three am again, we've become well accuainted.
After rubbing elbows with the moon, I closed my eyes.
I feel your arm wrap around my waist, tugging my mouth into a sleepy smile.
I feel your lips grace my neck, the wetness feels like liquid gold.

My skin is covered in golden threads of your beautiful silken words.
I push my body back onto yours, all at once I was nestled in the cacoon of your safety.
My breath drew quick, shallow.
My skin burned.
My back arched, my wrist ached!
I rolled over to whisper sweet nothings between kisses.
But I just found cotton, and the loneliness of pillow talk...

I was supposed to wait.
To finish my love poem when my heart burst, and clouds of sweethearts rained down from the skies.

You never gave me chance.
I'll instead wait in vain, like a wrinkling, deflated balloon that a careless child had left behind.

I wonder if this is how a snake feels when it sheds its skin.
A cold blooded, fearsome creature, stretching in unrivalled freedom of its new found unprotection.
Revelling in the glorious vulnerability of being alive, growing.
Understanding how close to death and out of control it is and knowing that these moments, so heavily punctuated with danger, are what makes it feel alive at all.

I used to only read factual books.
I gorged on their secrets about this world.
Fiction books only told of secrets in someone else's mind.
A glass door to a lonely fantasy world, forever closed.

But somehow I got caught up in my fantasies of you.
I read your favourite stories to understand your mind.
Now I wonder wistfully through a fictional abyss, longing for you.
And when this story comes to a close, you'll still be a glass door.

Forever closed.