I’m grounded by your hands on me
And when your voice speaks to me
But if you’ve been away from me
I traipse away too easily.

Please don’t take it badly
My distance doesn’t mean you failed me
Regardless of good or bad things,
I find stability in self-retreating.

My body feels the wind in the trees
My soul feels the restlessness in my core
My mind is a wandering landscape of nothing
That matters to anyone but me.

I see you reaching out to me
I see you trying to touch me
And I feel you shrink away when I don’t respond.

I’m sorry I drift away, but I can’t stay.

My head is lighter than the clouds
My feelings are your only constant presence
I’m someplace else, and I’ll be a while.

My body feels the wind in the trees
My soul feels the restlessness in my core
My mind is a wandering landscape of nothing
That matters to anyone but me.

There’s no point in denying
My wings have caught air, and I’m flying elsewhere.
You’re better off reaching me
When your eyes look back and see me.

Ideas are too real to let go
And I blizzard them blindly like snow
And I don’t miss you when I’m caught
In the independent world of the unknown.


25th March 2018

A rose by another name is just as plain
A rose in another vase is just as dead
And here I am pretending, nothing’s wrong with me.

If I don’t see what I want to see
If I don’t hear what I want to hear
What use is it if I speak, and you don’t hear me?

Don’t hear me out if I’m lifeless
Don’t look the other way
If you see that I’m struggling to breathe.

I fight to stay focused, you fight to be blameless
I close my eyes when I start to sink.

If I don’t see what I want to see
If I don’t hear what I want to hear
What use is it if I lose it, and you ignore me?

I am not an object, I am not a vessel of pain
I deserve life, even if I’m worthless.

I scream, I cry, I will not die
You won’t ignore that I’m there
No one will tell me I’m a waste of air.

Don’t cut me down, and expect me to wither away.

10th September 2017

A true mother is always there for me
A true mother loves me unconditionally
A true mother holds my hand in the rain
A true mother can soothe my pain.

But I grew up bent and crooked
I knew from a young age
That my dad and I were different
Our family's not the same.

So where were you when I needed
A hug, a smile, a cake?
You let me go as a toddler
But what a difference did it make!

You can't trick me into forgetting you
I recognised you again
When I saw you nine years later
It's like you stepped out of my head.

Your face was still the same
Sure, your hair was different.
And I know I'm not to blame
For you deciding to be distant.

But if you'd been here earlier
When I needed your reassurance
Maybe I wouldn't be surlier
Towards those with mother's affections.

I grew up bent and crooked
I knew from a young age
That my dad and I were different
Our family's not the same.

So where were you when I needed
A hug, a smile, a cake?
You let me go as a toddler
But what a difference did it make!

What else can I do on Mother's Day
Except cry or remember you?
Do other parents split for comfort?
Do they really think things through?

I don't know what to think
When others say I'm fortunate.
I grew up with poor self-esteem
And no one to correct it.

One parent may understand something
Much better, or more accurately.
My mum can understand my body
My dad understands my personality.

I grew up bent and crooked
I knew from a young age
That my dad and I were different
Our family's not the same.

So where were you when I needed
A hug, a smile, a cake?
You let me go as a toddler
But what a difference did it make!

So my true mother is my dad
He tried to be like a mother.
And I realise because he cared for me
His gender doesn't matter.

A true mother is always there for me
A true mother loves me unconditionally
A true mother holds my hand in the rain
A true mother can soothe my pain.

Today I'll give dad a hug
And say 'thanks for caring what I think.'
I won't ******* a 'happy Mother's Day'
Or give him anything pink.

I won't pretend he's someone he isn't
He's fairly respectful of me.
I'm not a perfect daughter
And never was a girl, you see.

And before you blame who I am
On the lack of a mother
Did you choose to be one child
Or have a sister, or a brother?

I don't know what to think
When others say I'm fortunate.
I grew up with poor self-esteem
And no one to correct it.

At least I learned for other parents
Don't leave kids when they're young.
They'll learn before 5, that when someone's gone
There's nothing that can be done.

I know who you are
I know who I’d like to be.
You’re the reason I live
Will you spend life with me?

I make you smile
Every single day
But I’d love to be the reason
Your spirit never strays.

The rain was falling on my head
Now it’s disappeared
The leaves are crushed under my boots
The breeze is still.

We hold gloved hands
But I still feel your skin.
I memorised your laugh
Before it grew dim.

It’s time to gather around the tallest tree
And put aside our daydreams.
We’ll always be friends
But like the season, I fall for you.

Like remembering sunsets
Your words don’t fade.
They’re colours that burst
From a single shade.

Unmistakeable
Like a butterfly kiss.
You gravitate me
In moments like this.

The rain was falling on my head
Now it’s disappeared.


20th-21st June 2017

I know who you are
I know who I’d like to be.
You’re the reason I live
Will you spend life with me?

I make you smile
Every single day
But I’d love to be the reason
Your spirit never strays.

The rain was falling on my head
Now it’s disappeared
The leaves are crushed under my boots
The breeze is still.

It’s time to gather around the tallest tree
And put aside our daydreams.
We’ll always be friends
But like the season, I fall for you.

We hold gloved hands
But I still feel your skin.
I memorised your laugh
Before it grew dim.

The rain was falling on my head
Now it’s disappeared
The leaves are crushed under my boots
The breeze is still.

It’s time to gather around the tallest tree
And put aside our daydreams.
We’ll always be friends
But like the season, I fall for you.

(instrumental)

Like remembering sunsets
Your words don’t fade.
They’re colours that burst
From a single shade.

Unmistakeable
Like a butterfly kiss.
You gravitate me
In moments like this.

It’s time to gather around the tallest tree
And put aside our daydreams.
We’ll always be friends
But like the season, I fall for you.

The rain was falling on my head
Now it’s disappeared.


20th-21st June 2017

I walked a lone, secluded path
It began to storm
I huddled and waited for the roar to pass
Since the day I was born.

I listened for the rain
It screamed angry words
It tore at my clothes and
Beat me with hurt.

I saw a girl standing
Leaning against a tree
I was awed by her calmness
And who she might be.

I approached her
Rather timidly
Because she was steadfast
And I was unsteady.

She saw me looking
And her eyes beckoned me
So I dashed through the rain
Rather oafishly.

'The rhythm is soothing'
She remarked nonchalantly
I watched her lips move
And stood listening.

‘What brings you here?’
She asked me.
I told her my life story;
She warmly embraced me.

I wanted to kiss her
But I was too shy
My plans had so suddenly
Went awry.

Fleetingly, the rain ceased.
After four heartbeats
She kissed me adieu.


27th October 2017

You sweeten my life with your sugary smile
I can’t start to describe how that tastes
But I can feel rivers oozing out of you.

Into my bloodstream you go
Swimming and destroying my heart
I won’t let you go until it’s time
To say goodbye after you rot me.

You won’t catch me just yet
Not with that look in your eyes
And not with iron thighs on my chest.

But down you’ve gone into my bloodstream
Swimming and destroying my heart
Going downriver until it’s time
To rot me, then let me rest.

If I had a body you could possess
I’m sure you’d see to it that I’m depressed
With all of my happiness wasted away on you.

7th June 2016

I can’t move on when you’re stuck with me
I can’t feel brave if you’re my everything
I’ve given you what I’ve got and you’ve given it back
So please don’t make this painful for me

But I have to say goodbye, I have to let you go
And baby I’m sorry you brought me so many tears.
I hate to have to tell you that I’m better off in the end
And I hate pushing you away.

Some days the pain is too much
Sometimes I can’t even speak
Seeing people like you just feels shoved in my face.
How could I even think this would be easy?
It’s not easy being a broken part of you.

I hate the tears your name trigger in these eyes
I hate hearing people ask me what’s wrong
I hate the lump in my throat like a dead animal
Even though that’s how I feel.

I honestly feel dead or better off dying.

A sneaky glance here, a forbidden love ignited
Your stamina driven by a fire un-blighted.
Our limbs lock, intertwine like puzzle pieces
Our chests pressed together, hands loosening breeches.

I can feel you under my skin
Ebbing and flowing to my whim
And your hair feels like the stars I’ve longed to touch.
Your eyes are closed, no dreams are here
We’re breathing in the here and now
I never thought I’d want someone so much.

Your grip makes me feel safe
My arms can’t let you go.
My hairs stand rigidly, at a pace
We’re putting on a desire rid show.

I can feel nothing but fingers and skin
Exploring and groping to whim
And your hair feels like the stars I’ve longed to touch.
Your eyes are closed, no dreams are here
We’re breathing in the here and now
I never thought I’d want someone so much.

You leave me breathless and gasping
My fantasy fulfilled, and rasping
Your sweat is sweeter than water
Our limbs never falter

I can feel nothing but fingers and skin
Exploring and groping to whim
And your hair feels like the stars I’ve longed to touch.
Your eyes are closed, no dreams are here
We’re breathing in the here and now
I never thought I’d want someone so much.

Boys can be boys, but not you and I
We go far back to the very first time
That you wanted me and I craved you;
This wasn’t merely a *****.

5th August 2016

Falling, fingers waving in the breeze
Lying down next to your failing body
Over my head you're a tidal wave
Waking up, smiling through painful eyes.
Every breath is closer to your passing
Reminisce with me before your clock shudders slowly... and breaks.


26th October 2016

Drying up the river and leaving the sorrow
Forgetting what happened and moving on
I can’t dream of abandoning what I used to know.

For so long we were inseparable
It was the way since I remember
I can’t take it away from me.
But now our bonds are severed
And my poor heart is confused
I’ve lost a part of me
I’ve lost a part of me.

I cannot be happy when I miss my sorrow
I’ve lost the understanding I gained within myself
You came back again and then
You said goodbye so long ago.
Why do you hate me so much to let me go?
That’s what I’ll never know.

5th May 2014

I'm not sad, I don't know what to feel
I'm a robot or a machine, anything but a heel
I did nothing wrong but I blame myself.

I have nobody else to blame
But I feel guilt and shame
Because everyone around me cares.

I never spoke to you but I saw you place
A smile on someone's face
Then I watched it melt into tears.

I have nobody else to blame
But I see guilt and shame
Because everyone around me cares.

I'm on the outside looking in
Unsure of where you've been
You could have traveled far and wide by now.

I have nobody else to blame
But I feel guilt and shame
Because everyone around me cares.

I'm on the outside looking in
I know that death always wins
But my heart's run out of ache for you.

Lipstick glides on, my eyelashes lengthen
My skin is smooth and I feel wonderful.

Hush, don't tell
This secret has me under a spell.

The swoosh of fabric over my head
The embrace of stockings on my thighs
And the security of wire on my chest.
All red like the passion that colours my cheeks;
Lace blacker than the darkness of the sky.

Corset pulled tight, clasps hastily fastened
Imagination wild in my deadly high heels.

Hush, don't tell
This secret has me under a spell.

The swoosh of fabric over my head
The embrace of stockings on my thighs
And the security of wire on my chest.
All red like the passion that colours my cheeks;
Lace blacker than the darkness of the sky.

Eyes sparkle as I strike a pose
I'm a **** tiger and you're a little cat.

Hush, don't tell
This secret has me under a spell.

The swoosh of fabric over my head
The embrace of stockings on my thighs
And the security of wire on my chest.
All red like the passion that colours my cheeks;
Lace blacker than the darkness of the sky.


22nd August 2016

Hair shiny, skin sparkling
Oh, how she knows
Lipstick alluring for lustful eyes,
Lipstick stained and smudged inside.
Often nobody realises, there are scars
When can her mask be removed, and just as adored?


26th October 2016

I know what it's like to have everything
I know what it's like to feel stalemate
I hold the sky in one hand
And stop it crashing with the other.

Pulling together is easy in theory
When deadweights don't counteract
I'm staked on everything
And at what price?

I'm not a god
But gods reconcile with me
And the burden of humanity
Is too heavy for my shoulders.

I am just a being
Inhabiting a body of man
I have euphoria from my surroundings
But it is short lived.

But then again
I have learned from man
That nothing lasts forever
And I won't live to see it.

So I hold this head high
Knowing I'll be gone in style
But until then I am just being
Someone who understands, yet doesn't.

14th August 2018

It's been years and somehow you're back for me
But I've long since moved on and I'm satisfied.
Yes, you were a dream to kiss and yes, you were nice to hug.

I don't need you with your baggy sweat and regrets
I don't want you either like I used to.
I really am fine just being myself;
I'd be happy if I never saw you again.

I just don't feel it anymore in my bones,
My heart doesn't beat for you;
I don't want your hate or benefits.
I never hated you
But Time has changed and taken me
You couldn't keep up with the flow.
So I don't want you to slow me down
I don't want you back in my life
No, I don't want you back in my life.

It's too bad you were left behind
But you're killing yourself to keep up
It doesn't make a difference
No, it really doesn't.
Time doesn't wait for anyone
Time allowed us to drift away
And I'm fine with that
We don't need to be reattached.

I just don't feel it anymore in my bones,
My heart doesn't beat for you;
I don't want your hate or benefits.
I never hated you
But Time has changed and taken me
You couldn't keep up with the flow.
So I don't want you to slow me down
I don't want you back in my life
No, I don't want you back in my life.

During this time I realised
I'm the player, you were the fool
I was lonely when I wanted you.
But it's nice to say that memories stay
And you made me smile and still do.

But I don't need that sparkle in your eyes
I don't want you either like I used to
I'm fine just being myself because you took that away from me.

I just don't feel it anymore in my bones,
My heart doesn't beat for you;
I don't want your hate or benefits.
I never hated you
But Time has changed and taken me
You couldn't keep up with the flow
So I don't want you to slow me down
I don't want you back in my life
No, I don't want you back in my life.

I don't need that sparkle in your eyes
I have oxygen and hope to stay alive
You'll never hold me back like you used to
You won't anchor me to drown.

7th October 2016

I hate being maternal
I hate being fearful
I hate being traumatised
I hate being quiet.

I hate my attraction to men
Because it makes me fearful
That I’ll have kids
And they’ll be neglected, empty and loveless.

I hate being anxious
I hate losing control
I hate my upbringing.

If it weren’t for the confusion
And the belting and the yelling
I wouldn’t be scared.

I hate my attraction to men
Because it made me fearful
I was told that they’re rapists
And they’d take advantage of me.

I hate being weak
I hate being gendered
I hate looking and feeling small.

I wish I was only attracted to women
Because I’d be less fearful
I wouldn’t worry about having kids.

I hate feeling inadequate
I hate feeling like a machine
I hate feeling weak.

I wish conversion therapy worked
Because I hate being attracted
To any man who might hurt me
Or force me to have kids
Or force me to be his slave
Or refuse to accept who I am.

I hate being viewed as a woman
I hate when I try to express affection
Women laugh at it, and men take it the wrong way.

I hate being invalidated
As a non-binary person
Who doesn’t want to cause anyone pain.

I hate ****** attraction towards men
Because if it weren’t for self-control
I’d dig my own grave
And possibly that of unwarranted children.

I hate being an unhappy child
Because if I was raised lovingly
I wouldn’t be anxious
I wouldn’t be cursing my sexuality
For including men

Because I wouldn’t be scared
Of having kids
Cos I’d know I would raise them
The happy way I was raised.

If I was raised lovingly,
I know I’d raise kids that way too
And they wouldn’t suffer
They wouldn’t blame me
And the cycle of raising kids lovingly
Would be passed on throughout generations.

Tell me I’m exaggerating
But my dad swore
He wouldn’t raise me
The way his father raised him.

But I was terrorized
By his beltings
Just like the ones
His father gave him.

So I hope you understand
Why I hate part of my sexuality
And why for the good of others
I don’t want kids.

I want to stop this cycle
Of fear, pain and suffering
Even if it ends me.
Even if no-one remembers me.

It’s good for my conscience
To say this right here and now
I hate being scared
And I’d hate for anyone
To be afraid of me.


11th October 2017

Every day I close my eyes
I feel like screaming; instead I sigh.
Sometimes I wonder why
I'm still breathing and seeing the sky.

I can be happy if I choose to be
But I can't be happy by myself
And I know it's difficult for me
To get along with someone else.

I try, but so many
Ramble on stupidly
I'd like to slap them silly
But know that accomplishes nothing.

So I have to breathe
I have to care for me
No-one else knows how to
It's the best thing I do.

I can be happy if I choose to be
I could be happy by myself
But I know that some love me
And don't want anyone else.

8th June 2017

I know there's that one time where you couldn't see the real me
I know I've been here a long time and time is never easy
I'm difficult to please because I always want the best
But when I do I want it for both of us.

I look young but my hands will say I'm old
I can't die yet because my body needs me still
And I can't fail my mission in this second life
Because I promised I would stick around for her.

She's so young, only 17
And I'm twice her age but she's like my deadly queen
She left me and her body behind
Now I must take care of it for her and I.

I look young but my hands will say I'm old
I can't die yet because her body needs me still
And I can't fail my mission in this second life
Because I promised I would stick around for her.

She's not my queen but she knows she can count on me
I'll look after her body though she won't come back.
In misery, but there's nowhere else for me
I must go on and hope she can live her dream.

I look young but my hands will say I'm old
I can't die yet because her body needs me still
And I can't fail my mission in this second life
Because I promised I would stick around for her.

My heart is old and you think I'm her
But I have respect for me.

27th April 2016

What I did, intervening with your life was wrong
I'm old but I pretended I was young
And you've played along, treating me like a sister and a friend
I'm horrible but that's something you refuse to comprehend.

I don't think you love me cause you still don't understand
That despite my past and failures, I am still a man
And I don't want your love any other way except unconditional
I don't yearn for pity because I'm unforgivable.

You should have left me ages and ages ago
But then I would have left you too.
There's no way you could warm my stubborn old heart
With no flame in your eyes, not even a spark.

I don't think you love me cause you still don't understand
That despite my past and failures, I am still a man
And I don't want your love any other way except unconditional
I don't yearn for pity because I'm unforgivable.

You should have kicked me out ages ago
Now I constantly feel guilty and ungrateful.
You always treat me like a sister, daughter, friend
I'm a man and that's something you refuse to comprehend.

I don't think you love me cause you still don't understand
That despite my past and failures, I am still a man
And I don't want your love any other way except unconditional
I don't yearn for pity because I'm unforgivable.

Don't give me pity because what I did was unforgivable.

12th May 2016

I don’t know how to go on
I don’t know if I will
Even if I did
Would I be the same still?
I don’t run away
From what I said or did today.

But let me know if you think
You’ll change your mind
Just for today
In loving memory of yesterday.

Because I feel the yearning
To become clean
From what plagues my mind
To what I mean.

When I say I don’t want
To stay away
From what brings back memories
I wish you’d pray.

You don’t have to believe
To see what I see.
You don’t have to pretend
You don’t understand.

Just let me know if you think
You’ll change your mind
And leave our plans
And daydreams behind.
Just be here, not yesteryear
To commemorate parting from yesterday.

Oh yesterday
Oh yesterday
Oh yesterday
It won’t go away
She won’t go away
I won’t go away.

Just hold this hand
And look at those stars.
Best friends forever
Is simply a farce.

Dear, oh dear
It’s thoughts that count
Nothing matters much
When your life is doubt.

Dear yesteryear
Loving yesteryear
You go by as fast as yesterday.
Forgotten friend
Forgotten sunset
Let’s pretend yesterday’s here yet.

29th August 2017

Rough stubble and eyes a haze
Slow smile droops at my touch.
Gentle spirit with eyes a glaze
That’s how I like you best.

Velvet, lace, hearts race
Lipstick on your cheek
Not too deep.

Sleep, wake up
Wake up, then sleep
Don’t dream because dreams are too good to keep.
Wake up, then sleep
Leap to your feet when I snap my fingers
You’re in my trance.

Forget about stars that dance
Remember I’m a universe.
My skin feels like silk
You see my beautiful complexity.

Velvet, lace, hearts race
Lipstick on your cheek
Not too deep.

Sleep, wake up
Wake up, then sleep
Don’t dream because dreams are too good to keep.
Wake up, then sleep
Leap to your feet when I snap my fingers
You’re in my trance.

Valentine's Day 2017

You’re a drug, you kept me soaring and crashing
I’m over your tripping cos baby you’re fine

But I can still be happy
I can still feel fine
The memories of you are all in my mind.

I took a sip of you and I still felt dry
My throat’s been sore for how many times
I’ve screamed your name for nothing

But I can still be happy
I can still feel fine
The memories of you are all in my mind.

Baby you said I can’t complete this song without you
But for once I did and it didn’t feel fine

But I can still be happy
I can still feel fine
The memories of you are all in my mind.

I imagine you in a white dress;
Like an elegant tree as we caress
With eyes of mischievous hazel and green
You bless every wild dream.

You’re far away
But I can still feel everything
Your face beneath my palm, your shapely silhouette
You turn my breath to sea breeze.

I want you, and I need you
I want you, and I need you
I want you, and I need you
I want you, and I need you.

Beauty both magical and divine
Your back’s an artwork, and arms sublime.
Your hair just glows under the sunset
That gentle smile, I can’t forget.

You’re far away
But I can still feel everything
Your face beneath my palm, your shapely silhouette
You turn my breath to sea breeze.

I want you, and I need you
I want you, and I need you
I want you, and I need you
I want you, and I need you.

Wash over me like the sea
Waves of pleasure from hip to knee
Feel the earth fall beneath your feet
And rise when our eyes meet.

You’re far away
But I can still feel everything
Your face beneath my palm, your shapely silhouette
You turn my breath to sea breeze.

I want you, and I need you
I want you, and I need you
I want you, and I need you
I want you, and I need you.

I want you, and I need you
I want you, and I need you
I want you, and I need you
I want you, and I need you.


19th – 20th May 2017

I imagine you in a white dress;
Like an elegant tree as we caress
With eyes of mischievous hazel and green
You bless every wild dream.

You’re far away
But I can still feel everything
Your face beneath my palm, your shapely silhouette
You turn my breath to sea breeze.

Beauty both magical and divine
Your back’s an artwork, and arms sublime.
Your hair just glows under the sunset
That gentle smile, I can’t forget.

I want you, and I need you
I want you, and I need you
I want you, and I need you
I want you, and I need you.

Wash over me like the sea
Waves of pleasure from hip to knee
Feel the earth fall beneath your feet
And rise when our eyes meet.


19th – 21st May 2017

I can’t feel the sun on my face when you’re not standing outside
I can’t open the door to strangers when I’m expecting you anytime.

Don’t you understand?
I don’t want you by my side; I want you with me all the time.

I can’t feel okay or at peace when you aren’t there to calm my mind
I can’t see or feel what makes me happy when your hand’s not in mine.

Don’t you understand?
I don’t want you by my side; I want you with me all the time.

I can’t function without your voice telling me that you’re still here
I can’t face the world or myself if you’re not my thin veneer.

Don’t you understand?
I don’t want you by my side; I want you with me all the time.

5th May 2016

You’re sitting beside me staring at the moon
I can feel the way your hair brushes past my shoulder
And I can feel my arms around your waist of their own accord.

And I can feel love right now for only you
I hate everyone else and my lack of self-control.
But darling, I could never hate you no matter how I try
Even though we have no future together.

Darling, if we were just best friends, I’d have done us both in by now
But since I’m still here, feeling the shape of your hand
I’m in pain from everyone who doesn’t understand.

So I feel love right now for only you
I hate everyone else and my lack of self-control.
But darling, I could never hate you no matter how I try
Even though we have no future together.

I’m insane from the ache of losing you
You were my best friend in this hollow, empty head
I’m an angry idiot because I can’t be without you.

(But I am.)

And I can feel love right now for only you
I hate everyone else and my lack of self-control.
But darling, I could never hate you no matter how I try
Even though we have no future together.

I’m sorry darling that this isn’t true love
Because I gave too much but it wasn’t enough
I’m sorry that because of me, you never got your happy ending.

24th May 2016

Fastening clasps, smiling in the mirror
I'm dreaming of yesteryear when I was in your arms.
I can be your princess and you could be a king
I'd give like a river flowing downstream.

Put a wreath on my head and your hands in my hair
Kiss my chest like it's a tombstone on a cold day.
I'll close my eyes and feel my dress float away
As your lips meet the dip in my waist.

Unashamed of the cage that holds me
But I'll take off its lacy embrace.
I'll stand by the window and imagine you here
While the sun reflects on my silhouette.

In my mind your hand protects mine
I can easily feel your beard on my neck.
Our hips are meant to be pressed together
My happiness with you was never meant to fade away.

So love me again today, tomorrow and forever
Kiss my chest like it's a tombstone on a cold day.
I'll close my eyes and let my dress float away
Because where you are, we are already free.

19th November 2016

She holds my heart in two
Her hands are drenched in blood
She’s my evil queen

An evil fantasy
No unicorns or flowers, just me
Sitting alone in an empty field.

Ghosts holding hands, squeezing them tightly
White faces pale, eyes shining
Me in a corner crying

Down on one knee
Another collapses under me
An earthquake is happening

The sunset is peaceful
I open my eyes once again to see nothing
I’ve been hallucinating.

Where are her bloodstained hands?
Why is she holding a bloodied dagger?
Why is there an urgent pain in my chest?
Suddenly
I feel nothing.

18th July 2016

My mind has a love affair
With a constant force of nature.
Her love grew on me like wild ivy;
Our memories deepened tremendously.

I feel the ocean breeze around my feet
And running her fingers through my hair.
I feel her kiss me, and take away my longing
When my lover’s not here.

I travel back to my sandy toed days
And turn my face to the sun.
I’m surrounded by many entities
And I stay til the sun is gone.

The sea is a great comforter to me
Known by many names, but always amazing.
Her mind is full of rips and curls
Her body holds countless creatures below.

I can almost reach out to her
The one I fell for like no other
I sometimes wonder with shallow breaths
If I’d love to breathe easily in her depths.

The saltiness of her breath
Reminds me of my lover’s touch.
If no other being is besotted by me
I’d give myself to her willingly.

2nd April 2018

When he speaks, the rain falls
When he looks, he sees me
When he kisses, it feels like a bird on the wing.

When he hears, he listens closely
When he touches, it's fire and ice
When he walks, his feet are steady and sure.

When I see him, I'll find him
When I feel his hand grasp my own
When I feel his shoulder pressed to mine;

When I dream, he'll follow me
When he sleeps, I'll watch over him
When I kiss him, I won't let him go easily.

When his heart beats, I'll feel it
When he loves me, I'll know it
When he's silent, he's thinking of me.

When he's strong, he'll carry me
When I'm weak, he'll tolerate me
When the world hates us, let them hate us.

When I hear his voice, I'll respond
When he's sad, he'll be close to me
When we're together, we'll be happy.

Written off as a label, condemned to live the wrong life
But wanting to go back and say sorry for what he's done.
Once he realizes there's no going back, that's he's doomed to hearing 'she'
It's enough to make him realize his debt was great
So great that it must last his whole life.

Even if he changes his body he'll always have scars
To pay for the ones he gave to girls
And to those that were different who he used to shame.

That fateful night when he stupidly wished
To come back as a girl, to run away from his problems.
He was an idiot, a liar and a cheat
And he deserved every punishment he got.

But now that he knows he can't escape, he can't hit rewind
He just wants to end the pain and he wants sympathy
But even if he got it, what would that do?
What if he's just sorry he was caught?

I beg you, please change me back
Please stop me from being such an ***
I repent from my thoughtless and ignorant remarks
Because this is the worst punishment of all!
To become the labels that bring pain and sorrow
To those I forced them on
And to realize that like them I can't wake up tomorrow
And see who I really am.

My body and life is a lie or some terrible dream
But I can feel it all happening, all tearing at me.
And not just how the body of someone else looks
But at the soul that is in fact me.

Get me out of this cage, make me feel unashamed
To be a man and to face my problems
And to truly repent for my mistakes
And be okay with who I now know myself to be.

I can barely look at her face anymore,
The girl who I wished to become lightly
I just want to be rid of every trace of her
And go back to being simple, better me.

10th April 2016

An intrinsic detail on the tip of my nose
A fork in my tongue with no words to say.

Just shady tress and shady things
Less confusion and more hope for me.

A tear every now and then to shelter my eye
A body in my hands and no personality
A hair on my head that falls every hour
The last moment of my life turns around.

I don't want you to see this other side
The grass is greener here
The restriction is protective, the pain is adamant.

You aren't the only one, keep your head down
Pull up your pants while I put my charm on.

Bubbly smile and shining eyes, are what I see
When I listen to your voice, I feel at ease.
Sure, I’m mature but fun at times
Annoying and unwittingly maritime.

Behind the jokes and the laughs, is my past
My darkness in the future seems vast.
But no one is stopping me from getting to you
Yet I stand still and grudgingly bid you adieu.

If you really meant that much to me
I’d be able to let you go, sadly but easily.

I don’t really love you, even though I think I do
You don’t make me as happy as she makes you.
I don’t really love you, even though I think I do
You remind me of what it’s like to not be lonely.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining
I’m just sick and tired of waiting
Maybe all the stress just got to me.
I don’t know how, to not hold on too tightly
Maybe I’m just scared over nothing.

Because if you really meant that much to me
I’d be able to let you go, sadly but easily.

I don’t really love you, even though I think I do
You don’t make me as happy as she makes you.
I don’t really love you, even though I think I do
You remind me of what it’s like to not be lonely.

Maybe that’s it, I just need to patch my soul
But you’re not the star cut out to make me whole.
Yet I try and try again to make you be a part of me
I’m drawn to the way you make us both feel happy.

But if you really meant that much to me
I’d be able to let you go, sadly but easily.

I don’t really love you, even though I think I do
You don’t make me as happy as she makes you.
I don’t really love you, even though I think I do
You remind me of what it’s like to not be lonely.

I don’t really love you, even though I think I do
You don’t make me as happy as she makes you.
I don’t really love you, even though I think I do
You remind me of what it’s like to not be lonely.


31st March 2017

Bubbly smile and shining eyes, are what I see
When I listen to your voice, I feel at ease.
Sure, I’m mature but fun at times
Annoying and unwittingly maritime.

Behind the jokes and the laughs, is my past
My darkness in the future seems vast.
But no one is stopping me from getting to you
Yet I stand still and grudgingly bid you adieu.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining
I’m just sick and tired of waiting
Maybe all the stress just got to me.
I don’t know how, to not hold on too tightly
Maybe I’m just scared over nothing.

Maybe that’s it, I just need to patch my soul
But you’re not the star cut out to make me whole.
Yet I try and try again to make you be a part of me
I’m drawn to the way you make us both feel happy.

But if you really meant that much to me
I’d be able to let you go, sadly but easily.

I don’t really love you, even though I think I do
You don’t make me as happy as she makes you.
I don’t really love you, even though I think I do
You remind me of what it’s like to not be lonely.


31st March 2017

Don’t look down at your feet
You’re standing near the edge of a cliff
With your hands bound and your mouth shut.

There are rocks under your feet and weeds near your ankles
And something in your eyes is unsettling
You can’t smell fear, you can feel it.

Your heartbeat is unsteady
Your knees are weak and your chest is fragile
There’s no way you can fly.

The executioner’s hood is over your head
Your legs are numb and drooping
You’re about to fall
D
O
W
N
.

27th May 2016

She’s busting my eyes in that slinky top
Dreaming away in that tight, bright skirt
She owns my heart but she wants the room.

How about a day from today, hey?
How about it, hey?
How about it?

Cos I can already feel your hands on mine
Grabbing my t-shirt, grasping my thighs
She’s making me sweat
Looking **** in stilettos
Hot **** girl
You’re **** in stilettos
**** in stilettos
She’s **** in stilettos

High on your own image, hey?
Give me more of that smile, baby
Give me more of that **** smile

How about a day from today, hey?
How about it, hey?
How about it?

Cos I can already feel your hands on mine
Grabbing my t-shirt, grasping my thighs
She’s making me sweat
Looking **** in stilettos
Hot **** girl
You’re **** in stilettos
**** in stilettos
She’s **** in stilettos

Baby you’ve got my respect
Might as well go ahead, take my jacket
You own that slick red smile
I wanna feel that slick red smile

Cos I can already feel your hands on mine
Grabbing my t-shirt, grasping my thighs
She’s making me sweat
Looking **** in stilettos
Hot **** girl
You’re **** in stilettos
**** in stilettos
She’s **** in stilettos

13th July 2016

Her skin is a pillow for my head
Her words brighten my dusty corners.
Her hand guides me as we run
Through rivers and borders.

If every dream I wished on came to life
So be here and then.
If I could, I would sleep next to you
For hours on end.

She is the summer breeze
She whispers lullabies in my ear.
She’s the flowers in yonder fields, soaking up the sun.
She’s the smile on my face
And the mimic of children’s pace.
She is youth and beauty dear
She’s a song that’s almost sung.

Real and imagined,
You brighten both skies.
I put my arms in the air
To feel the sun rise.
Take a deep breath, as you slow dance.
Lie down and together
Disappear in the blades of grass.

You are the summer breeze
Whispering lullabies in my ear.
You’re a flower in yonder field
Soaking up the sun.

26th-30th May 2017

I am bored and I am tired
I am grumpy and I want sleep
But I'm still awake and still aware of light.

Send me back to bed where I'm free
To not think, or say, or do
Something that may upset you.

If I can't feel what I want, I want to be numb
I'm sick and tired of feeling too young
I hate being in limbo, I hate not being taken seriously.

All I want is a rougher face
A tougher attitude, a tougher body
But I'm stuck with a childish appearance!

And people are cruel to guys like me
They expect me to be who they want me to be
They talk down at me, they think they know me.

I guess I'm just sick of being fragile
Of knowing they intentionally hurt me
And having to hide it in order to be 'me'.

I wrap my fingers around the stem, and pick a flower
I crush it in the palm of my hand
And as I bring my palm up to my nose
I still don’t understand
Why death brings sorrow and happiness
Why no one cares
Until the candle of life is snuffed out
And never seen again?

I kick a rock along the road, and it scuttles into a ditch
My back and head hurt
From trying to process why
We’d kick someone till they quit.
I still don’t understand
Why we’re all so dissonant
We think it’s normal and acceptable
To mock or fake innocence.

I kiss someone’s neck, and they moan
I feel self-conscious
When some stare or even comment
On that person and I’s business.
I still don’t understand
Why pleasure is considered a luxury
I thought we all deserved
To feel relaxed and happy.

I walk alone at night, and I’m not scared
I keep that to myself
Because I’m expected to cower in terror
If I bump into someone else.
I still don’t understand
Why I’m expected to be afraid
Of walking whenever I want to
Cos men do that every day.

I put on a flattering outfit, I smile at the mirror
I sneak out the door
Cos if I’m around the wrong people
I get labelled as a *****.
I still don’t understand
Why I can’t be sexually free
When men are often like that
They’re ‘behaving normally.’

Sometimes I don’t understand anything, about anything
I’m often left confused
By the everyday events around me
I often feel spent and used.
I still don’t understand
Why this world won’t accommodate me
Instead it’s tirelessly tried
To force me into conformity.

4th November 2017

I can feel you looking down at me
Because I dreamed of being a mother as a kid
But why should I change my past, so you’ll be satisfied
That I’m just as tough and handsome as you?

I don’t care, I know I’m not a stud
And I was never truly jealous anyway
As long as I ignore my thighs and pretend my pecs aren’t there
I can mentally punch you in the face.

When you smile it makes me turn away
You’re just too happy for me with your perfect, straight teeth
You’re too strong, way too strong for me
Your presence is overwhelming

Your hair is more messed up than my future
Your shirt is more torn than my self esteem
And don’t get me started on my height
Cos to me you’re taller than a ******* tree

And I can’t take (no I can’t take)
All this madness that I see
It’s taking away my individuality

When you smile it makes me turn away
You’re just too happy for me with your perfect, straight teeth
You’re too strong, way too strong for me
Your presence is overwhelming

If you’re the sun (whisper) I’d rather be in darkness
If you’re my heart, I’d rather tear you out
Cos I’m not perfect and I’d rather never be
I’d rather be a girl but still be me

When you smile it makes me turn away
You’re just too happy for me with your perfect, straight teeth
You’re too strong, way too strong for me
Your presence is overwhelming

So go flexing all you want, I’m not obsessed with you anymore
Mr Perfect, you’re more like Mr Weak.

15th August 2016

I’m fragile and snide
She hasn’t died
I refuse to believe
She’s star side.

I’m her best memory
Warmth magnified
I stand in the rain
Hands by my side.

I’m the last raindrop in the sky
I’m the last tear in her eye.
I’m the reason she cries
I’m the last to sigh.

I’m a dry and empty well
I’m cracked inside
I suffer alone
She isn’t alive.

I’m the last raindrop in the sky
I’m the last tear in her eye.
I’m the reason she cries
I’m the last to sigh.

I’m a fallen leaf
She carried me.
She was the wind
Sustaining.

I’m a dim light
Warmth petrified.
I stand by her grave
Hands by my side.

I’m the last raindrop in the sky
I’m the last tear in her eye.
I’m torn and tried
I’m the last to sigh.

I’m the last raindrop in the sky
I’m the last tear in her eye.
I’m shaken inside
I’m the last to sigh.

19th July 2017

I’m fragile and snide
She hasn’t died
I refuse to believe
She’s star side.

I’m her best memory
Warmth magnified
I stand in the rain
Hands by my side.

I’m a dry and empty well
I’m cracked inside
I suffer alone
She isn’t alive.

I’m the last raindrop in the sky
I’m the last tear in her eye.
I’m torn and tried
I’m the last to sigh.

I’m a fallen leaf
She carried me.
She was the wind
Sustaining.

I’m a dim light
Warmth petrified.
I stand by her grave
Hands by my side.

I’m the last raindrop in the sky
I’m the last tear in her eye.
I’m shaken inside
I’m the last to sigh.


19th July 2017

Soft skin
Addictive smile
She slips through
Easy to let go.

I struggled on
Missing her scent
Girlish twinkle
In every mirror.

Left me hanging
Just a memory
With her hair in my face
And her hands in the sky.

Why do I try
When all I do is breathe
And see a shadow over me

Why do I cry
When there's nothing
She's the shadow over me.

You provided shelter
Without a shoulder
I lived through that
To see your face.

Now I look ahead
Holding hands
Feeling your presence
But I'm alone.


12th July 2018

I am the most reserved of my fae folk
Time accompanies my many youthful wanderings
Tending to the blooms scattered over misty hills
Overshadowed by my protective, brotherly trees.

I’m walking through the lane that divides them
Surrounding my aura on all sides
I let the sun filter through vibrant leaves
As I touch them with the sombre kiss of rain.

My wings glint gossamer in dewy threads
And my skirt skips a beat in the afternoon breeze.
My hair floats around my head like a veil
As I leap to fly yonder over reminiscent childhood fields.

My essence dances amongst the clouds
It is my truest, constant loving friend
I breathe every carefree day with the promise
That it will taint every flower a more brilliant hue.

My eyes witness a lingering, enticing sunset
I’m free to follow its enchantment until I reach my home
And as I close the willow door behind me
I draw the blinds and settle into the embrace of slumber.

23rd May 2017

Building up tension
Knocking it down.
Pins are quiet
We’re making sound.

Rollercoaster
Smile or frown.
Swaying and focused
Upside down.

Lip gloss stains
On the wall.
Aches and pain
Break your fall.

Laughter outside
Playing games.
Going inside
When it rains.

Do or die
Next to you.
I’d rather be
Till we’re through.

Lip gloss stains
On the wall.
Aches and pains
Break your fall.

Lip gloss stains
On my shirt.
Bruises bloom
Barely hurt.

You’re fine
You’re prime
You’re mine
Paradigm.

You’re fine
You’re prime
I’m yours
For shores.

Long hair
Short hair
Don’t care
Don’t spare

Long hair
Short hair
Repair
Compare.

Lip gloss stains
Post-night pains.

29th July 2017

I remember us rugging up by the fireplace
Holding sticky hands, not worrying about a car crash.
If you’re still here, I won’t complain about your stubble
You can stay by me and grow out your beard.

If your face is soft enough you can be my winter bear
We can sleep in our own den for years.
Or we could freeze to death where no one can find us
But when the snow falls, I’m not letting you go.

I remember I hated when you tickled me
Sometimes it brings tears to my eyes.
I shrieked when your chin was prickling my face
But I’d tolerate the itching again.

If your face is soft enough you can be my winter bear
We can sleep in our own den for years.
Or we could freeze to death where no one can find us
But when the snow falls, I’m not letting you go.

30th October 2016

I woke one early morning
To find the flowers in the garden bed
Singing a gloomy song.

I bowed my head with theirs
And I sang my own words.

'Come back to me
Daisy who used to smile
Poppy who joyfully beamed
Rose who trusted me.'

They all sang back to me
'Weeder who used to protect
Child who used to admire
Water who used to sustain
Why have you left us?'

Their faces started to show
Girl with pale eyes and skin
Boy with sunken thighs and limbs
One with jagged wounds, and thin.

The girl shook as she looked
The boy barely stood
One cowered under their hood.
I smiled as best I could.

But they didn't smile back
All frowned and glowered
Or wept, or sulked
Like ice cold showers.

I touched the girl's face
It started to crumble
The boy screamed,
One fainted.

I backed away slowly
As they started fading
The sky darkened, and
Dawn indeed began...breaking.


17th February 2018

Like music in the distance I hear you whisper
And your scent is stronger than wisteria.
I can feel the freedom being released from me
While your words form a melody.

As I daydream my life away
I sit back and listen to your soothing song.
I have the perfect image of you in my mind,
Calm and peaceful beneath your wind-blown hair.

And I see far away, clouds in a hazy sky
The sun on your arms, the wind teasing my shirt.
As I put my arms around you and your head rests on mine
Slowly, like a chiffon blouse, your fatigue slips from your shoulders.

12th April 2016

Didn't want you to go
You wouldn't take no
I reasoned and wept
But you were too spent.

As His blade danced
You were entranced
Didn't see your last stand
But you took His hand.

Death kissed your face
But He won't wipe away your tears.

So pale and cold
So young and old
I'm not sure I see you anymore.
I know what it means to be gone.

One spark in one heart
But yours will never start.
Many laughs at bad jokes
Now silence muffles what you spoke.

If I saw your pain
I wouldn't refrain
From getting closer to you.
But Death beat me to you.

But no point in regret
I need to forget
The flaws I found irritating,
Nothing is worse
Than this curse
Of part of my life being missing.

Death kissed your face
But I always wiped away your tears.

So pale and cold
So young and old
I get what it's like to be gone.

I never want to be gone
I understand what it means

To be gone.

3rd December 2017