Always the same, in every night
Words stuck in my brain
I feel meaningless
With grievingness
A silent retreat in this
Forgottenness
The rottenness
A knife to jab into my wrists
The pointlessness
That I exist
Maybe it's cuz I'm a pessimist
I can't resist
The Devil's list
Or the urge to sink in the abyss
Well if it's true, I'm so worthless
Why can't I be blue?
Do I deserve to be hurting?
Constant self re-working
Shadows lurking
Thoughts are jerking
Evil sits inside me, smirking
Eyes averting
Words alerting
Save me from this dark converting
Self asserting
Random blurting
Worse than the ****** flirting
With my corrupt, thoughts perverting
It's clear I'm ****** up
But crying’s
Not dying
No matter how hard I'm trying
Horrifying
Re-wiring
Because my brain cells are frying
Clarifying
Not lying
Whether or not I'm implying
Defying
Denying
Is all that I'm supplying
The only crime, is, you stand by me
You're wasting your time
Mind won't stop racing
Or re-making
The challenges that I'm facing
Just shaking
Earthquaking
My anxiety displaying
Not praying
Or weighing
Any mistakes that I'm making
Soul fading
Creating
The sinful way I'm behaving
So every night, as I'm laying
It's these thoughts that bite
I'm meaningless
Self-loathingness
Magnifying my uselessness
A joyless
Black abyss
Wild *****, hungry for coitus
Yes, mindless
Undesignedness
Nothing to fill the vacantness
I'm voiceless
And pointless
…
It's these thoughts that's destroyed us

I had a dream that I shot myself in the head
I collapsed in the driveway
And stared straight ahead
With tangible astonishment
Or palpable dread
Is this what it’s like to be dead?
I’m dead, I’m dead, I’m dead
Why am I still thinking? I’m dead.

I imagined everyone before me who’s died
And questioned if their brains
Also raced beyond the grave
If being buried dead was no different
Than being buried alive
But before I made up my mind
I awoke in a hospital bed
Breathing and thinking -- not at all dead

I reached up and touched the hole in my head
Rethinking the seconds I thought I had died
I cried, I cried, I cried
“Why did this happen to me?” I cried.
Not because of my actions
But because I had survived.

(Not exactly a 10w)

Just because it's someone's "big day"

Doesn't mean we should stop caring about other people....

The future scares me;

So I live each day separately.

Now read it backwards.
Demented.
Know you're lying when you say you're
Beautiful, purposeful, and wonderful
Because you're
Rotten, misshapen, and broken
Let these words define you
Don't
Say you hold perfections in your faults!
Know that's a lie
Tell yourself you're just misfit and
Let negative thoughts consume you
Please don't
Try and boost your self-esteem.
Now read it backwards.

I looked up at the Moon through the hole of a straw
Her dusk, crescent shape
The only thing that I saw
Blocked from my pupil to the darkness around
The rest of the stars
Blazing without sound

Take away the straw, gaze up at the sky
The whole picture I missed
Not seen in my eye
A mess of twinkles shoved into a collage
Starring above
The Moon and Her entourage

The Moon as their chief, keeping the playful tamed
But night rules are fair
Sparks are never contained
Dance around each other, sail kisses through wind
A shooting star zipped passed
Its light never dimmed

Sparkling stars, next to Her, you're an image
Stay close by Her side
To stretch beauty's limits
Litter the earth with a fistful of bright spots
Sing out in space
Leave it gleaming and hot

Shine as their leader and protect the night sky
Yes, Moon, that's your entourage
Stuck in my eye
Being naive, the Moon is all that I saw
So look at the whole
Not through the hole of a straw.

I think the Moon knows
I'm watching Her
Because sometimes,
                           She leaves me presents
It may sound silly
But I've got a jar full of Her secrets
That I keep in a lockbox under my bed
The pass code; Luna
So I'll praise Her title
Each time I uncover
The hidden gifts She's given to me

Purified droplets of moonlight.

The size of a jewel
The weight of a diamond
The glow of an angel
The shine of a star

The Moon probably knows
I'm watching Her
Because sometimes,
                            I find a drop
In the bud of a flower
Sometimes,
                  in the pit of a well
Sometimes,
                  in the cave of an animal
Sometimes,
                  in the crack of a rock
Sometimes,
                  in the hollow of a tree
Sometimes,
                  in the current of a stream
And on the rarest of occasions
I'll find Her lodged between the pages
Of my notebook

I've collected a dreams worth of gems now
So whenever I find myself,
                                       Lost.
- Swallowed by the void -
I'll have enough moonlight in my jar
To ignite the darkest of days
And the presence
                             of Her presents
Will go unnoticed by no shadow
Or creature of the night.

Luna knows I'm watching Her.

I'll continue to gaze from below
And let no stone go unturned
So when the Moon drips again
I'll be there to catch Her
Another crystallized droplet of a blessing
To tuck away
In the box under my bed.

Lay me down in the bed
you've slept in hundreds of times
It's your habitat
But I intend to make it my nest

I settle into the softness of your kisses
Countered by the weight of your body
A gentle whisper tells me,
"I want to *******"
Before I am swept away
By a tornado of lust and wanton moaning

My desire gets lost
Wandering the canvas of another person's skin
I feel a hand on my throat
Guiding me like a traveler providing directions
Yes, "choke me"
"Choke me harder"
Squeeze like you want to hurt me
Even if you care for me
"Harder" like you hate me

It's enough to send me reeling
I hit the edge, slamming into ******
Your grip on my neck loosens
Kisses,
          Soft kisses
Compensate for our carnal behavior

As I lay under you
A feeling I don't recognize rears its head
Not happiness, no
Euphoria, yes
I've claimed your bed as my refuge.

The same
pencil

will
never
write

the same
poem
*twice

I have a friend
His name is Depression
He used to come and go frequently
But now I think he's here to stay

I used to have a friend
Her name was Joy
She came and went frequently too
But now I think she's gone for good

Depression and Joy don't get along
When one comes, the other goes
They're never together
And they never will be

They used to be evenly matched
But Depression grows much faster than Joy
He's much bigger now
He's much stronger

So now, when they fight
Over who will stay with me
Depression wins
He wins nearly every time

He beats her
He beats her badly
Leaving her scarred and bruised
Leaving her black and blue

I used to care
I used to try and stop him
I used to try and protect her
But I don't anymore

Depression is stronger than Joy
He's stronger than me now, too
So I simply watch
As he scares her away

I used to run after her
But I don't now
Joy used to be my friend
But not anymore

I can't trust her
She leaves when I need her the most
But Depression always comes back for me
He always comes back

Joy has been away a long time now
Longer than she ever has
I'm not sure if I'll ever see her again
I'm not sure if I want too

Because now, I have Depression
My true savior
My true protector
My true friend

He sits with me
He sleeps with me
He walks with me
He talks with me
He follows me
He stays with me
He holds onto me
He won't let me go

Now that I have Depression
I don't have to wait for Joy
For her to come home to me
Not anymore.

I want to be wild
I want to be tame
I want to break something, without taking the blame

I want to stay in my room
I want to be less alone
I want to go travel, without leaving home

I want to play by the rules
I want to start cheating
I want to get rest, without ever sleeping

I want to be drunk
I want to be sober
I want to grow up, without getting older

I want to keep it together
I want to keep crying
I want to be obedient, without really complying

I want to stay silent
I want to be heard
I want someone to talk to, without speaking a word

I want to starve myself
I want to keep eating
I want to be acquainted, without ever meeting

I want to stay single
I want to be married
I want to be in the ground, without being buried

I want to be feared
I want to be loved
I want to cut myself, without cleaning up blood

I want to get better
I want to stay ill
I want to stop hurting, without taking the pills

I want to be noticed
I want to be see-through
I want to want life, I don’t want to need to

I want to keep living
I want to just die
I want to say “hello”, without saying “goodbye”.

When I start bleeding
Through my shirt
They ask:

"What happened?!"
"Did you cut yourself?"

I know they mean:
"Did you cut yourself ON ACCIDENT?"

But I just say
"Yes" anyway

And don't bother explaining
That it wasn't an accident.

My entertainment
Is a notebook
A pencil
And pure imagination.

The
       cost
           of
                 love
                        is
                          infinite.

­                            But
            heartbreak
        is
free.

I have a closet full of shadow puppets
They're funny
Don't you think?
Cuz even though I call them puppets
They're controlling me

Look at them
And you might laugh
Because they look asleep
But if you laugh
You ignite the wrath
Of what lies underneath
Their marble eyes
Like a void black hole
But stare at them
You shouldn't dare
Because from a single meaningless glare
They'll come to life
They'll take your soul
They'll eat you alive
They'll eat you whole

Because these are my shadow puppets
And they live inside my attic
But climb on up
And visit too much
And they'll turn your thoughts to static
They dress themselves in all black
But the fact is
They're not trying to hide
The fact is
If you get close enough
They'll lure you inside

Because these are my shadow puppets
And they live inside my basement
But saying that they aren't alive
Would be an untrue statement
Wooden dummies --
They might look
Hollow
Empty
Broken
Just don't be fooled by their vacantness
Take heed of what I've spoken
And if you enter the malicious trap
Just be aware
You won't come back

Because these are my shadow puppets
And they live on a string
But please don't try and make them dance
They're not as funny as you think
And if you accidentally tangle them
Or wrap their threads around their necks
You'll make them quite unhappy
And I assure you
You'll be next

Because these are the shadow puppets
And they're closing in on you
Let them inside
And you will find
They stick to you like glue
One tap on your bedroom door
Two more from the basement --
They're under your floor
Three extra knocks
From inside your wall
But there's more
No
That's not all
Four bangs from above
They're in the attic
Five pounds in your room
Go check the closet
Watch them creep in through your windows
Let them slip inside your halls
Let them dance up on your ceiling
Let them slink and let them crawl
Let them waltz into your dreams
Let them sleep inside your bed
Let them laugh when they hear you scream
“Oh, I WISH THAT I WAS DEAD!”

...

You have a closet full of shadow puppets
Dormant
Inside your room
Try not to wake them up too often
They surely want your doom

Because these are your shadow puppets
And they live inside your head
It's funny that you call them puppets
When it's you
Hanging by a thread.