Diving into an endless void with never ending clocks that float in every direction

Ticking to time zones that no longer exist.
Cascading upside down I rise into a world
on a distorted path of the less traveled.

I land on a solid platform of rocks and rubble.
filled with no sense of security I walk towards a figure with a face of light projecting old memories onto a wall of painted pain.

It’s filled with uncomplimentary colors devoid of all light.

I float to the wall that was created on the tears of bad luck and I paint my yellow light down the wall in a single stroke.
It ages instantly becoming duller but
The yellow remains moving along with the other colors.

I move my hand against the wall as I am pulled upwards and I can no longer touch it and it eventually vanishes away.

I float higher looking up towards a light.
it engulfs me, now it is all that surrounds me.
Leaving my shadow with nowhere to land, so I caress them in my arms.

I hear clicking and I close my eyes.
"Have all the opportunities passed?
Have all the paths ended?"

I feel the warmth of everlasting sunshine on my skin
and the sounds of calming winds and rustling leaves.
I open my eyes to see a bountiful blue sky
of puffy white clouds and rainbow rays of sunshine.
with emerald green grass forming to the shape of my hands

and with no sense of purpose, I smile.

Silently watching the lives
through my phone
Seeing the smiles and connections.
Sad to see, all the things I’ll never have.

A connection that lasts longer
then a few years.
A bond stronger than the tides
and as bright as the stars.

Someone to honestly share the views of the world with
to show them myself and give them every
minor detail.
For them to love what they see.

I watch their lives through my phone.
I see that world through it.
I so badly want to live there
I so badly want to say

“Hello.”

“A flower? It’s pretty and all but they die so fast, sort of a waste.” said my love.

“This isn’t any ordinary flower, it’s a rose,” I said.

“Still a flower.” said my love.

“You’re right, but flowers represent our lives and sadly death is apart of our lives but it makes you learn to appreciate the beauty while it’s still there. Enjoy the life while you have it and maybe learn to…” I paused and then smirked

“Stop and smell the roses.” I finished by saying.

“You’re corny.” said my love.

“You’re right, but this isn’t any old flower, it’s a rose. The apex of flowers, the symbol of love in this world.” “A rose has been compared a thousand times to love, talking about how it’s thorns can ***** you if you are not careful, how that if you don’t take care of it and neglect the flower, it will die. Just like love.” I said.

I stepped closer and grabbed my loves hand.

"So in case you were wondering, I am not entirely sure where "this" will go and maybe I haven't been careful since I've already been pricked by your beautiful thorns, but I promise I will enjoy your beauty for as long as I can and I will give you all the care that you need." I said this.

and then my love smiled and my heart melted.
I wonder how "this" will end.

Inject me with silicone,
**** out the fat,
work out the abs,
form the muscle.

stable the dollar bills into my skin,
thread my eyebrows with diamonds,
dress me in Gucci,
Lather me in jewels.

Photoshop my face,
plaster it in make up,
make me look handsome,
make me look pretty,
make me look beautiful.

Dye my hair every color of the rainbow,
take out my heart and replace it with
a music box that plays your favorite song.

Am I enough for you now?
Do you see my light now?
Do you see me now?
Am I enough for you now?
Will you finally love me?

What else am I missing my love?
I’ll add it all, just stay with me.

A static feeling of un-enthusiasm  
and standard pleasantries.

this world isn’t the same
as the one that goes inside my head.

That one is filled with adventure
and promise.

I crave something with meaning.

But the closest I can get is my writing
and re-enacting stories already told.

I'm struggling to find purpose and meaning
I wonder if I will
I wonder.

I live in the neat and clean
Hung up shirts and freshly folded laundry
Sunlight peeking through the white curtains
keeping my mind at ease.

I am busy
rushing from spot to spot
reading, writing, and completing tasks.
It keeps my days full.

I am stressed
however, unlike the dark summer hours
I get to live with the stress in the beautiful autumn leaves.
I am stressed but in different ways.

I am lonely
but only in the unattainable love
that I romanticize, I am alone but due to my faults.
I am lonely but In different ways now.

I am so very weird
My moods, switching from one extreme to the other
finding a balance is extremely troublesome.
But people don’t seem to notice.
I am so very weird, but it seems only to me.

Or maybe I am not
Maybe they all see
I wonder if when they look at me...
Am I pitied? Or am I loved?

The days keep passing by
season to season, happy to sad
lonely to depressed back to happy
and I wonder where I’ll end up when the days stop.

"To The Men, I have Loved and the lessons I have learned."

To the boy who hid in the shadows:

You taught me how to plant the flowers of love.
You showed me the colors and the different names
moreover, you taught me how to tend to them all.
Then I learned you lied to me and told me all the wrong names
so now my garden is twisted and confused.
You then left taking my Freesia’s in hand.

To the boy who hid in the trees.

You went garden to garden, loved to plant the first seed.
You taught me how the roses moved in the night.
However, you stilled lived in other gardens and took my roses.
You left my garden with patches of nothing
and made me feel like I deserved it.


Now my garden; already struggling to stay alive.
What was I do? I was already so sad.

Then to the boy who lived in the spotlight:

You came to my garden with roses in hand
promising to help restore what had been lost
for your garden had been plucked as well.
However, you only came for what was left of my roses and took my elderflowers as well.

You only cared for yourself.
And well you,
you taught me not to trust anymore.

So for the next boy who comes to my garden.
Come with a sword and a shield.
Because now I’ve learned how to grow my flowers with thorns.
So I’ll guard my garden until the day I learn which flower is love.

I'll bring you closer
take you into me,
you perfect stranger.

With the lights down low
you can be anything,
anyone
that I want you to be.

You can be my lost lover
or the perfect person
I’ve always wanted.

Let's touch every part
of each other
and become mine for the night.
Take my mind somewhere else.

Be the clarity that I need and take my toxic thoughts.
Let’s release each other from our worries and
be free in an explosive ******,
that makes me lose my senses.

Bring me closer to the feeling
they call
love.

Give it to me all
Smother me with love
I miss it so much
And I have so much to give

I want to be crushed by it.
Suffocate me till I can’t breathe
Let me feel the love.
I crave that need.

I want to cry tears
But all that comes out are
Pieces of my broken heart that I’m so ready
to give.

But it seems no one wants them
All I do is try to give them away

“Please, sir! Here is a piece of my heart!”
“Oh, madam wait I’d love to give you a piece of my heart!”
“You don’t have to give me yours back!”
“Honestly I promise! I’ll give you all of and me I don’t need yours in return! It would be nice but I don’t expect it!”
"Please... I’ll give you every piece of me."

But they all kept walking.

Some put the pieces in their purses
And save it for a rainy day.
Some put the pieces on their cheek
Until it falls off and does not see a need for it anymore
Some instantly throw it away
And stomp on it.
Just for extra effect.

Please, someone, give me your love in return
I don’t want to give up
I don’t want to live this life without ever knowing what it’s like
To be loved.

Who is this girl that twirls around at twilight
under the crescent moonlight and the fading sun?

With tears running down her face,
she holds an angelic smile upon her face.

What does she see?
What does she hear? and
What does she feel?

Black feathers begin to fall,
circling around the ruffles of her black dress,
landing by her bare-feet.

Who is this girl
and why does she turn at this hour?
What has she gained? and what has she lost?
Only time will tell,

yet here I am feeling found
while being lost in her day-spring eyes.

Blazing emotion in the lust of first sight.
Uncertain hearts, and unclear minds
tragically filled with stories
of failed loves.

Broken pieces, cracked trust,
and fake smiles, but also a growing desire.
A desire for something real
something that isn’t just a one time passion.

Something that is more than another
failed story.
Something that is real, tangible, and something
that lives on through time and time again.

So is this our new story?
Played in the major scale?
Or another minor detail
in my harrowing tale of love.

Am I pretty enough for you little songbird?
I see you and all your friends and how you fly around.
Singing and tweeting your songs of love.
Oh, how I want to be up there with you.

Are my feathers groomed enough?
Is my beak too big or too small
are my legs too long or too short?
Are my eyes as pretty as yours?

Oh, look at my wings!
I’ve been working on them so hard.
You see I’ve cut back on the worms,
but they still aren’t where I want them

But soon I'll be pretty,
Soon I will soar,
Soon I’ll be loved,
and soon I shall be
a pretty little Gay Songbird too.

I love you at all times of the day.
At the dawning of light,
when the blue sky starts to turn orange and red,
and when the light goes to sleep and the stars start to shine.

But I must admit to being selfish;
for I do a have a favorite time.
Though It has it drawbacks
since I don’t get to see your eyes and smile.

But when you’re sleeping peacefully
and I get to wrap you up in my arms
and give you gentle kisses on your head.
That is my favorite time.

It doesn’t matter if I get any sleep
as long as your comfortable and sleeping sound.
However, I feel selfish for this time. It’s the only time
I feel you are undoubtedly mine.

You are so busy with all the things you do
but during this time you don’t have anywhere to be
You don’t have to answer your phone.
You just lie there sleeping like a beautiful prince in my arms.

I’m not sure if you even know but I’ll protect you
for as long as I can before you have to wake up
and go once again. I don’t expect for myself to ever
have you completely.
You’re too exotic to keep locked away.

So I’ll just enjoy the nights where I hold you
hoping that it won’t be the last.

Water ripples
to the stones I throw
they sink into the waters of my sadness.

I have almost
drowned
in those waters.

So why do I keep skipping stones?

A field of colors laid before our eyes.
This serene countryside
filled with so many new possibilities.

Happiness filled our hearts.
He turned to me and looked at me with those hazel eyes
that enchanted me so long ago and said,

"Sometimes you will get the chance to see a landscape so simple, yet so alluring and filled with beauty,
that it fills you with such a sense of hope."

"The fields of flowers filled with bashful greens
flaming with different shades of reds and pinks
working in harmony with the sun's rays."

"It makes you think that this world is precious,
and our future will be golden."
He grabbed my hand and smiled,
and pulled me towards our field of hope.

Frigid winds pushed up against my car,
and then I saw you come inside.
Those chestnut eyes
that had been gone for so long.
My enraged thoughts
were quickly unraveled
because just a simple moment with you
was worth a thousand days.

But, the feelings didn't last very long.

The car swiftly became a space filled
with words that were never said
and words that would always be dismaying.
All I wanted was to understand
but that wasn't a part of your plan.

I wanted you to come back for more
then just an obligatory visit.

Why couldn't you come back?

For now, though, we'll drive to my house
filled with laughter and lies.

See? I'm smiling.
We're doing fine.

Tick tock!
Tick tock!
Don’t you hear all those little noises?
Do you see the things that just aren’t right?

Oh please straighten that and make it look nice!
I hate when things are so messy and unorganized.
If I make it look better... then it is better!
No one needs to know that there was once a mess there.

There’s no reason to cause alarm.
No one needs to know.
You’re having guests over you must be your best and everything must be in order

Tick tock!
Tick tock!

They’ll be here any minute!
Oh, my! Oh, my!
Do you have everything ready and in place?
Do you have the hors-d'oeuvres all set up and ready?

Do you have the candles going?
Is everything in place?
Are the pictures on the wall and straight and nice.
Can they see the smiles?

Oh, my shirt! how is my shirt?
Is this too bright or is it too dark?
Is it too big? Or too small? Is my hair neat and in place?
Should I wear shoes since we’re inside?
Are my pants the right color should I go change?
Is there enough light in this room?
Is it too bright or too dark?

Oh, here they are! it’s time to greet them all. I hope they enjoy.
I hope they really do.

I want you to say the words I've been dying to hear
Physically dying, making me ill
I want those unspoken words to heal me

They are there,
I know you want to say them.
They are kicking their legs back and forth while sitting
on the tip of your tongue waiting to jump.

Let your emotions pour out.
Sing to me the song inside your heart.
Tell me the words that will heal me.

... I know I'm wrong.
I don't know what goes on in your mind.
I make your feelings up inside my head
to ease the pain you cause

but I know you don't love me
not the way I love you.
so I'll sit here and pretend you love me
until I learn to love myself.

There are days,
I feel happy,
days I feel sad,
and days where I feel lonely.

However, today, I feel nothing.
It’s a strange feeling,
because is it really a feeling?
To feel nothing at all.

Perhaps it’s boredom.
Perhaps it’s not.

I could be feeling lonely or sad,
but I don’t relatively feel filled with sorrow
and I’m not dwelling on the
depressing thoughts of my world.

And I don’t feel bothered
by the fact that I am alone.
I am not craving the need for
human interaction at this moment.

There is a chance I could be
content.
But to be content has a layer
of peace behind it.

I don’t feel peace.
There are many things
I am worried about
but for today
I feel none of those things.
Maybe today I don’t have to be anything.
Maybe today I don’t have to be dictated by an
emotion.
No form to follow no thoughts to consume my mind.
Maybe my brain can be blank for a while.
Maybe I can just exist, and perhaps that can be enough…
for today.

My head and heart are split so
Please excuse me if I sound confusing
And make no more sense

My brain has 2 sides,
1 is ruling proudly and the other is sadly devastating

1 makes me HAPPY:)
And the other makes mesad:(
it is a battle of being kind
and being lost in my mind

My heart is split
With two equal halves
The heart of a lover
And the heart of a killer

One falls too easily for traps
And the other sets them
It's very odd to be broken hearted
And be a breaker of hearts.
So I am split right down the middle
An axe making a clean split
but I've gotten better with my halves.

Maybe one day I’ll stitch them up
and see who I become.

I was so worried and concerned about how my story would turn out.
Or what new story that we could make.
But of course, due to my selfish nature, I forgot about yours.
Your story, and how it will play out.

You tell me your tale and the world you live in.
I’m already so frightened that I just don’t quite fit in it.

I hear your stories of entanglement and the things you deal with.
Of course, I want to help and give you what I can.
But as much as I want to be, I am merely not apart of it.

And I don’t think you want me to be.

Maybe it’s cause you’re scared.
Maybe it’s because you don’t actually care.
Maybe you don’t see this lasting more than the summer.
Maybe, maybe, maybe, and maybes are what my story is becoming
filled with.

Now I’m starting to think the worst,
my head filled with thoughts, and
now horrified I want to cut this off and
say I’m doing what’s best for me.

So I can save myself from you hurting me.
But that’s just my side of the story, I genuinely wonder
what’s yours?

Few days had passed
since your last visit.
Cleaning up from our playful
“mess.”

I came across a water bottle
that was left on my desk.
I believed it was yours since not
near my stand.

Parched, I took a drink.
Then I was instantly set back.
This water
It tasted so sweet.

I put my nose up to check,
and it smelt even sweeter.
Reminded me of a fruit,
that I had never even eaten.

How could this be?
While water so refreshing
never had much of a taste
now tasted even sweeter
than a delectable berry.

I wondered if I should chug the rest and let
the taste intoxicate me further
or sip on the water and pleasantly enjoy
the taste of you.

Oh how I find myself
always thinking of you,
craving every part,
still thirsting for your
Sweetened Water.

Love Love Love
Is that all I care about?
The love love love
That’s all I want.

But if you don’t give me the right kind of love
I won’t love you.
If you give it to me too soon
I’ll run.
If you give it to me too late
I’ll hate you.

It seems all I know is the embrace of ***
the lust, and the passion of getting off.
That’s all. Will I ever know anything else?
Why is this all I focus on?

Maybe I’m scared of my other thoughts
Maybe they are more terrifying
Maybe they’ll go away if I find someone to love me
Love Love Love

You are all I have left to look for.

Darkness take me into your beautiful arms
Lay me to rest, tuck me in as a mother would.
Kiss my forehead and whisper to me a false sense of hope.

Let your lies curl up around me like a blanket
that keeps me warm.
It is so cold outside. Don’t let me be cold.

Throw more lumber into the fire, please.
Do not let it go out.
I’m not sure what you would do if all the light would go out.

I’m not sure if I can trust you;
however, you’re all that I have
and it’s become so incredibly hard to do it myself.

It’s growing dark.
My lips are trembling, my teeth chattering.
Would you please put more lumber into the fire?

Locked in a battle filled with heart and hurt.
Pain is something I’ve grown to known.
Continually let down and continuously being the letdown,
has made me seal my true self from the world.

Never let anyone close.
Laughing and joking
miss directing them from my truth
because I fear they will not love me.

For I’d rather keep friends
that don’t know me
then friends who do
and no longer love me.

I believe that my life will be great but
for a cost.
I will lose the love,
the love I had always dreamed of having

and live the rest of my days
alone.

It pushes me
Back and forth
Putting me on a whirlwind
Filled with so many emotions

You can catch me with feelings
of love
Or feelings
of sadness

It can drop me into feelings
Of anger
Or feeling
Of joy

I can feel so many things
For a certain amount of times.
But I will always know this.
The wind is always changing
and that I will not stay in those feelings
I will stay in those places

I will always be moving with time.

My feelings are unresolved
Im flustered with the facts of reality.
There is no one to blame,
just the unlucky deck that life has handed us.

We had to part for reasons
beyond our control.

But that doesn’t ease me.
I can't be mad at you.
I can’t say you were bad.
I can’t say you were distant.
I can’t say anything,
because it wasn’t your fault
and it wasn’t mine.

It was the place,
the time,
it was everything
but us.

+

You made me feel comfortable,
you made me feel safe,
you made me feel loved,
even in the short time we had.

You understood me better than most did
and I cherish that.
No one understands me,
but you made sense of my nonsense.

There are more words to say but not enough time
and not enough lines

So for now
I’ll sadly say
Goodbye, until next time.

- S.C.S.

Oh, love.
I revisit the idea of you
over and over.
How you have made my life so much better
and so much worse.

I keep thinking you are the key.
You are the thing keeping me from being happy and
if I finally catch you.
I will be happy.

But I am starting to think that
you have caused more sadness instead.
But maybe that is your purpose?

Maybe the lack of happiness in my life
is something else.

I have lived my life drowning
in fantasies so that I could hide from
the world.

Now that I’ve come back to this world and
tried to enjoy what it has to offer me.
I can’t help but roll my eyes of boredom.

I’ve never known
someone who
has cared
but
maybe you do
or maybe you're just
nice
but maybe you care
maybe you can show me a different kind of love
not the one I crave
not the one I’ve dealt with
maybe the love I need.
Not the romantic
Not the platonic
A type of love I have never seen.

I do hope it’s something good.