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Willow Aug 2018
I can't breathe,
I can't calm down,
I feel tears running down my cheek like a waterfall.
I tell myself 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...9...10, In... Out.
I tell myself to be brave because you need to smile.
A smile can hide everything.
My skin is red and my eyes are a different color.
Luckily they haven't noticed.
I quickly walk to my room and cry for 2 minutes and go out with the biggest smile anyone has seen.
Sometimes I can not go out, sometimes I stay in my room and just stare at my empty wall emotion-less.
My heart is beating so fast I am afraid I am going to have a heart attack.
I call my dog in and I hug her like there is no tomorrow.
I know she will always be there for me.
Cry
Willow Jul 2018
Cry
The eyes cry because your heart can't cry or else you will die.
Willow Jul 2018
Inka, I want to thank you for being my support dog in a way. Sure you were never trained but you have always been there when no one else was. You were the reason I'm still here today.
You have seen me happy, angry, sad. You have seen my break downs, my purging moments and my cutting sessions. You have seen it all. You are now 6, I can't believe it. You have grown so much. I sound like a mother, but it would be like I am losing my baby, my everything. I am laying here with you, my big chocolate covered marshmallow telling you I love you. I wish that you could stay longer on earth, but humans don't deserve dogs.
You are an angel and angels are too pure to live on this cruel world for too long. I hope you stay with me after though, I hope you will always be my little couch potato with me. Sure you could be in dog heaven too, but I will always have popcorn for you so win win, right? I don't know what I would do without you. I know I would be the biggest cry baby ever, and you won't be there to lick my tears away. I don't know why people say Pitbulls are the worst dogs because I think you are one of the best. I hope when I die, I will be with you. I remember when we first got you, you would **** so much I had a clip with me all the time to clip my nose. Oh, and you pooped on my brother's shoes, I knew I was going to love you when you did that. Thank you for being my thing to hug because I always felt I was going to break down in front of someone if I hugged them, but with you I didn't care. Thank you for being my warmth and pillow at night. Thank you for licking my tears away. Thank you for keeping a smile on my face. Thank you for being my little bit of happiness. Thank you for being my dog. You will always be on my mind and in my heart. My big chocolate covered marshmallow, Inka.
Willow Aug 2018
No one knows how I feel about you,
no one knows the pain I feel every second.
No one knows me and sometimes I want to just tell them but because of you I have trust issues.
I hide behind a mask every single day and I am getting tired of hiding.
No one knows the dreams I have had about you. No one knows that I see you **** my family in my dreams almost every single night. I know you are not a murderer but my fear has taken over after you knocked on our door after 5 years of nothing.
You broke my heart before any boy had the chance to.
Within these 5 years of pain I began to lose pieces of my heart everyday. Now I just have enough left to keep me alive. To keep me from stopping my life.
I watch my friends with their father and I am happy for them but I can't help but wish I had one too.
So, I go to my guy friend and he shows me that a man could be trust worthy.  
I remember when you said you would beat up every guy who hurt me but I don't think you would hurt yourself.
Sure other guys have broken my heart but what if my superhero is my villain.
Willow Jul 2018
The feeling of my head feeling like it's going to explode, I used to thank God so it would be easier not to eat.
The feeling of water going down an empty stomach, like a cold sensation going down an empty well.
Seeing the weight drop every day, I felt like I finally didn't fail at something but little did I know I was failing my body.
Willow Aug 2018
Age 4, Your father broke your heart before any boy had the chance too.

Your life will be completely different without a father

Age 5, No one to call you princess

You cry when you see your friend's father call them princess

Age 6, No one to hug you when you cry from bullies

You hate going to school

Age 7, No one to tell you "I'll beat up every guy that hurts you"

You don't get to laugh when he says that

Age 8, No one to tell you are beautiful

You hate your body and think your fat

Age 9, No one to tell you "It's okay"

You cry yourself to sleep every night

Age 10, No one to tell you, "You are perfect"

You think you are the ugliest person in your school

Age 11, No one to tell you, "You are too young for boys"

You get your heart broken over and over too young

Age 12, Your father is not there

You miss him and ask yourself why he left

Age 13, Being told you have "Daddy Issues"

Age 14, No father to tell you, "You look beautiful without make up"

You beat your face with make up

Age 15, No father to say to your first date, "If you hurt her, I will **** you"

You get hurt

Age 16, No one to dance with you when they call in daddy daughter dance on your sweet sixteen

You ask yourself why he left again

Age 17, No one to tell you to change out of that clothes because he knows guys couldn't resist

You might get *****.

Age 18, No one to tell you, "My little princess, you have come so far, I am a proud father"

You see all your friend's father telling them this and miss you

Age 19, No one to warn you about ***** boys

You have to fight off a guy

Age 20, No one to tell your boyfriend, "I have a rifle, I am not afraid to use it"

You don't get to say "Dad!!!"

18+ age, No one to walk you down the aisle

You tell yourself, "I made it, I made it through the good and bad"
You have a husband or wife or neither, you made it without him.
You made it through the tears, the heart aches, the pain of missing him. He missed your whole life, you realize he didn't deserve you or seeing your life grow.
Willow Jul 2018
I loved him with what was left of my heart.
I thought he cared about me, but he just used me.
I waited for him. I gave him so many chances because I believed he would change but after a year of waiting my heart knew that he left me and went away. The little left of my heart started to crush like the other pieces. But I just had a piece left and I guarded my heart for so long that my heart forgot what it was like to breathe.
Willow Aug 2018
I went to my aunts house last weekend. I stayed there for 2 nights and 6 hours. I was truly happy every single second. I crave the feeling of happiness now, I was so worry free and care free. I wish I could have stayed longer to savor the feeling of happiness. I wish I could ask her to go this weekend but then I would have explain that I haven't been happy for 8 years. Now I am just here in my house full of toxic people.
Willow Aug 2018
Last night I realized I only keep photos of when I was happy as a child, when my brother and I had a nice relationship and before he turned out like father, when I wasn't insecure, when I was care free and worry free. I keep only those because I hope one day I will get that back but I know that won't happen.
Willow Jul 2018
I am the person who you go to when you need advice.
I am the person you go to when you need a hug.
I am the person you go to if you need an excuse.
I am the person you go to if you need help.
I am the person you go to if you feel depressed.
I am the person to go to when you need a friend.
I am the person who is always listening to what you are saying.
I am the person who helps you no matter what but when I need that, no one is there for me.
So, when I say that no one else is going to be there for you but yourself, I am telling the truth.
Willow Jul 2018
I recently watched a YouTube video, they asked all ages, "If you could change one thing about you, what would you change?"
The elders said, "Nothing because you learn to love yourself,"  the middle ages people stated features. The young children said, " I want a mermaid tail" or "I want shark teeth." It's so fascinating on how little children who are innocent as a baby cub, they are so carefree and don't have to worry as much, they have their own little imagination. Which just tells you, growing up changes your innocent mind.
IF SOMEONE ASKED YOU, " IF YOU COULD CHANGE ONE THING ABOUT YOURSELF, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?"

WHAT WOULD YOU SAY?
Willow Jul 2018
It's funny how when you were younger, you would say in your mind,"I would never do that." Here I am doing all the things I said I wouldn't do, self harm, anorexia, suicidal thoughts.
Willow Jul 2018
Sometimes you just have to let loose from that leash and dance until you dance into a wall. :)
Willow Jul 2018
When I am with you,
I can't stop smiling.
When I talk to you,
my stomach is flooded
with butterflies.
When I see the shine
in your eyes,
my sorrows go away.
When I think of you,
I can't help to wish
that I could call you mine.
Willow Jul 2018
These are the words I would never tell you,
Your smile, your eyes, your hair, that is just a plus to you, but your personality is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I thought after one year, the crush would be over but I was wrong.
7 years later and I'm still completely and utterly in love with you. You're the person I look for when I walk in a room, you're the person I can mess with their hair and wouldn't care. You're the person that I can throw a pencil at and make you pick it up and wouldn't get mad. You're the only man I trust, and you know how much I don't trust them. But I know I can tell every single secret but one and you wouldn't tell another soul. When you told me you believed in me, a piece of my broken heart went into it's place like a puzzle piece.
Wasn't sure if I wanted to publish this or not but **** it.


The secret I can't tell him is that I love him :)
Willow Jul 2018
If only it was a click of a button to delete them.
Willow Jul 2018
My mother thinks she knows me, she thinks she knows my favorite color, she thinks she knows my favorite chip, she thinks she knows me. The saddest part is, she doesn't know my scars, my tears, my personality, my heart. I try to show some of myself but she just shuts me down. I try to show my heart but she just crushes it. I try to show my real self but she just throws it away. So, if I tell you one day that you don't know me, I know I am right.
Willow Jul 2018
He is my soul mate, but I will never be his.
Willow Aug 2018
Right when you wake up, for one second you feel like everything is okay but then you remember everything and everything changes. You remember wanting to die last night, you remember taking those pills and then disappointed it didn't work. Remembering what your life feels like.
Willow Jul 2018
Walking down the hall,
The hall of memories,
When I was happy and carefree.
Every time I look at them,
I wish I could go back and relive them.
Relive the best moments in life
because ever since I was 8,
my happiness was ruined.

I walk down the hall and
look at every single photo.
I try to remember that day
in which that photo was taken,
and when I do remember, I space
out and start crying because
I know that I will never be that happy
again.

When I get to the photo of a baby picture,
I stop and think, what an innocent little body
and face, I wonder what it would be like
if my innocence wasn't taken.
Willow Jul 2018
When you write a whole poem and you accidentally delete it.
Willow Aug 2018
I honestly think I would be a lot happier without my family.
I constantly get put down when I am with them. I am constantly building my wall when I am with them and I make sure that my mask would never come off. I sometimes get verbally abused by my mother.  I constantly get verbally abused and physically abused by my brother. My grandfather constantly expects me to do more than I can emotionally do. My grandmother constantly puts me down. The only person who doesn't ever bring me down is my aunt. My family is toxic to me and I am waiting for them to realize that.
Willow Aug 2018
How can you look into their innocent eyes and slaughter them.
Because every time I look into their eyes, I see their soul. I see the beauty in them. I see their kind hearts being broken and beat down. And you know what is even worse, after all of that, they would give a second chance because all they want is love. They weren't even supposed to be born, their mother was *****, then had to see their babies taken away. And from when they were born, all they saw and felt was pain. And you know what's even worse, after all of it, they would give a second chance because all they want is love. From when they are born, to when they are about to get slaughtered, all they want is love. You eat pain, suffering and torture, and if you see what happens to those innocent souls and still eat it, you are just as bad as the people who own the companies and slaughter them.
Willow Aug 2018
I wish that someone will notice...
I wish that someone will notice that I am falling apart...
I wish someone will notice that I am not just sensitive...
I wish someone will notice that I am depressed...
I wish someone will notice that I have anxiety...
I wish someone would notice my scars...
I wish that someone will notice that I have a fake smile...
I wish someone would notice the days I don't eat...
I wish someone would hear me hovered over the toilet...
I wish someone would care enough to even be suspicious of me...
I wish someone would tell me everything will be okay...
Willow Jul 2018
You took my childhood, you matured me too young.
I looked for you in other people, but I never found you.
You bruised and broke my heart.
My tiny little heart.
You made me want to die at the age of 8, you made me hate my body at the age of 10.
You made me attempt suicide at the age of 11.
You made me cut at the age of 12.
You made me anorexic at the age of 13.
You made me believe that I am worthless because even my father didn't love me.
You made me believe that I could and never would find love.
You made me believe that happiness was a joke.

— The End —