reaping apart souls, tearing open minds;
the indomitable virus, mental theives.
those slugs crawl into your systems,
dominate your nights with sleepless dreams.
dragging you by the feet,
making you acquire their language;
sharing so much of your memories,
you mistake for your own.

I keep trying,
Trying so hard only to fail.

I failed academics
I failed love
I failed life.

I keep trying,
Trying so hard only to break.

Breaking promises
Breaking hearts
Breaking us.

I keep trying,
Trying so hard to hold on.

Hold on to reality
Hold on to love
Hold on to life.

I keep Failing, Breaking, Falling
Holding onto broken pieces,
Cutting myself again and again.

Standing stock still as your eyes
bored into mine.
Ambivalent of whether i should
stay here or leave.
Ignorant about the situation
i have been in.
Screaming in my blank face
i'm just hopeless.
Tears remain unshed inside,
i broke apart.
Watching you feed the flames,
i stepped right in.
the moment i was engulfed i knew
that i was home.

This is a fabricated
Fairytale
Our days tumbled dry
Laundry
Those memories a draught
In our city
I am but cracked china
Ruined

Wasn't so much afterthoughts
but rather the act itself;
that myoclonic movement
An involuntary reflex of sorts.

Prisoner to human conditions
conserving oneself with
The illusion of individualism

A Perceived idea of what is natural
An erroneous concept of right and wrong.
Blaming the sky for rain and storm
Instead of hiding under shelter.

Punishing clueless planet earth
Our thoughtless pollution of her the seas
Man and man at war
Setting off bombs just for kicks.

The errs was much more than just
you could taste its bitter like venom;
Blisters from a flame or the sting of a slap.
Tangibly intangible were the sins we did.

Sometimes we knew what
We couldn't be held accountable for
Being not the kind frowned upon,
We did it in such abundance.

But it wasn't their fault,



.
.
.
or was it...

Innocence is not ignorance
Innocence is more than naivety
Innocence is the moment
When two souls collide
And you feel
A warmth
So deep
You know you will never be alone
Again

Se soltanto per un attimo
potessi averti accanto.

Forse non ti direi niente.
ma guardo solo ,
da vedere ...

I was too short, too awkward.
My belly too bloated, arms too thick.
It got so I couldn't harness my desire.
But I could make my stomach flat,
I could let those hip bones protrude.
Learning to control all my desires,
Discovering a new intimacy,
Which required no one.

I was terrified at letting in someone else,
Into my imperfect, hateful world.
It was me, just only me,
Who could control my cravings, my desire.
Denying myself food, proof that I was stronger,
Better than most people,
though still lonely for touch,
Still my own stiff regimen.
Trading my new-found power of flesh,
For something more trustworthy,
Something pure.

Naturally skinny,
But not dangerously so.
I trod the line between waif and child,
Hunger became my salvation.
Hunger, my sexless, undemanding suitor,
My only constant friend.

Words were all but words
What you never said;
What you said to me
Curses under your breathe.

I opened up my heart
You tore it apart;
Said I lived in fantasies
Bound to turn to dust.

I would fall to the deep end
You wouldn't even help;
Screamed till I was spent
And you just laughed aloud.

Once upon a time
When you were out drinking away,
Minutes of your life;
I was up in the horizon
In the skies where all hate disperses,
Dreaming of paradise
In the soft glow of candles,
Blown on a birthday.
Celebrated by one
When everyone is gone,
The cake half it's size
While I am too full and half gone.
I watched a girl
In the mirror,
Singing a birthday song for me.

My hands trembled,
looking at
how bleak my world seemed.

I looked down to see
a red line,
running down my arm.

Closing my eyes,
swallowing the same pills
for what i hoped was the last time.

My hope of eternal sleep,
eroding as i awoke
dizzy and empty of all things.

Maybe i killed her,
or maybe
I killed me.

Friends, lovers, mothers, love;
the things i've never understood.

My life a pool of now murky water;
it's beauty i've never seen.

The fear of experiencing this pain;
a damp blocking out all's true and good.

I wallow in my endless fears,
terror and melancholy awaits in tomorrow.

It is a simple decision,
You chose this path.
All on your own now,
Not an obstacle.
You fall down tumble,
Into the roots of hell.
Your body mangled,
In fire you burn.
Thoroughly all that's left,
Ashes.
We never touch again.

...
...
...
                                                     ­                     you never saw me
finding comfort in liqueur
nicotine
and your empty promises

                                                       ­                   a walking hurricane

vengeance and fury
my niche
love was weakness

                                                       ­                    the things brewing under

ruthless sphere's of words piercing
you
                                                    ­                       like a crack of lightning
never knew you feared thunder
my pretense
                                                        ­                   till my skies turned
grey
                                                     ­                      a color you created
                                                         ­                  i became
the storm
                                                           ­                your fears
                                                           ­                your torrent of bad dreams

a child's first memory ,
light falling through crib bars ;
recollected scents ,
the rain and city streets ;
pain of unforgotten loss ,
sting of remembered humiliation ;
cruel forgetfulness of old age ,
whilst ancient memories stand out within ,
agonizingly clear precision ;
yet nearest of incidents ,
are lost beyond recall .

People never realize,
Or recognize,
The touch of a broken soul.

The despondence,
Fear and need,
Skilfully masked beneath.

Pain never shows,
On their poker faces.
How battered they still fight,
Still live.

You never know what beauty holds
until you see it in little things
The soft curve of someone's chin
in a touch of your finger tips
The warmth of your blanket as it hugs
when you're missing another

You never know what beauty holds
until you see it in little things
A soft breeze blowing as you walk
through old and familiar streets
The touch of piano accompaniment
in the background of a nice song

You never know what beauty holds
until you see it in little things
So the next time you think you know
all the world has to offer
look for the beauty in the little things.

How hard could it be
To turnover a new leaf
Get a new lease
Watch and just feel it
As another leaves
Stealing off with my sanity
Well I blame idiocy
From the ruins we flea
Like falling leaves
Trailing the wind
Into the swells of the sea
Like little me
Huddled beneath
Frayed velvet cushions
Making out with hard liqueur
Smooth as your words
Burning me like your lips
Tongues slipping easily
Through sour teeth
Sharp as blades
You cut me open
With nothing but a kiss

It's not the kind of sadness which makes you want to cry all the time,
But the kind of sadness that overwhelms your senses so much,
You began to question your sanity
You lost touch with all your emotions.

Venlafaxine in the day
A little white pill,
Promising you no more break downs.

Sertraline in the evening
Two little blue pills,
Selling you dopamine and fake smiles.

Quetiapine in the night
Three little pink pills,
Swearing that you'll be in control.

Those lies they feed you
False hope sold in crazy little pills,
I still clutch the bottle of gas
Dreaming of normalcy,
Cradling a razor blade on broken skin
I smile like a fool.

My name is Zara, I want to finish the highest possible education. i want to become the most successful woman and earn lots of money, so I can repay my parents in the best way possible; to let them live the life of their dreams and have whatever they want.

My name is Ashley, I want this name because the actress Ashley Olsen is so pretty. I want to be like her when I grow up, so I can achieve my dreams and act in lots of movies, by doing so also earning lots of money for my parents and bringing them fame.

My name is Jamie, it is actually my best friends name, she has perfect grades. I wish having her name will encourage me to get good grades, so my parents will be happy because that is all they care about.

My name is Annabelle, which also means lovable. I hope this name will make me lovable because I apparently am not, that explains why I am adopted, even my birth parents hated me. Surely my foster parents would feel the same and how could anyone possibly ever love me.

My name is Stacey, which means to be strong and stand up again. I need this name because I cry a lot which signifies that I'm weak and hence the need to stronger, so I can stand up even when people aren't reasonable or understanding to me.

My name is Cassandra, because a friend with this name is really skinny and hence pretty. I need to be skinnier and smaller so that people won't see that i'm just an ugly useless girl, but that I am a young child who needs to be loved just the way only young children deserve to.

My name is whatever-you-choose-to-call-me, they call me so any names I can't bother to fend myself anymore. I have no ambition nor any reason to live, but I can't die because fat girls deserve to suffer, hence I cut myself till a day I've lost enough weight, hopefully things will be better. I am a bad girl that's why my parents hate me so much. I hate myself because I sabotage myself all the time, my life is well and truly ******. I don't know what to do, please sort me out.

Why, why me? But
I slept, ate and swam
Eight months. Make it nine
In your extremely ****** up
*****. The hell, you said
I could be sold, for cash.
He said no, then why did he
Go around. No business
******* people, with a family
Back waiting. My loss
They say. But still I'm considered
Lucky, now with them.
I want to say, sure as hell
You never know. There ain't
No difference.  No
Ain't an ounce.

Your eve, my
Solstice, the
crescent imprinted on
our cornea's
seared into our
Hearts aching with
Fear and hunger

A blinding silence.

Pain-

It isn't always a thorn in your feet,
Or the throbbing ache from an overused mind,
Nursing a starved heart.

Fear-

It isn't the Boogeyman in your closet,
Or the silence left behind by a slam of the door,
With his parting words.

Sadness-

It isn't crying into your pillow at night,
Or the broken pieces of a family photo,
Shattered on the floor.

Pain is invisible.
Fear is amiable,
Sadness is insatiable.

Food* my enemy,
Eating my weak point.

Children they crave,
fast food, snacks, sweets;
Sometimes...
So do I.

But I am no longer a child,
though no sooner a woman;
I don't like the term,
neither it's expectations.

Only the child possesses
Beauty in being chubby.
They call you charmant then;
But now they'd say you're lazy.

A woman has to be curvaceous;
But if you don't have the curves,
It's compulsory to be thinner.
Skinny** is your best friend.

Righteous guy.
Precarious girl.
She ask's why,
He never gets near.
Expectations high,
Hoping for her.

Even the girl never knows why,
The guy wouldn't always stay by her side.
Did he find that she wasn't his kind,
Or is it something she does that is not right.
Would Father tell her lies,
When he told her not to hide.

Behind my defenses,
There's a broken child,
Battling a war inside...

I don't know who I really am...
I get scared, I can feel the fear in my eyes...
Can you take my hand,
Tell me everything will be alright.

Moving in sync with the others
An unspoken dance of grace
Gasps of breath fogging
Tongues seeking out new territories

Beyond written promises
We spoke a thousand words
In the silence we wrote
Documenting our mutual stories

Weaving a web of secrets
Melting into each other arms
Burned in our memories
This eternal unbreakable flame

amidst the noisy mass of people ,
I sit in an empty cafe .
people surround me ,
the place pecked and filled ,
yet to me all is empty .

I am alone ,
aloof ,
silent ,
floating ,
watching .

stoically enveloped in the noise ,
the deafening noise of my unbreakable silence .
with no one but everyone surrounding ,
I am invisible .

wore this mask infinite years

suddenly hides and disappears

filled with fear all’s mixed up emotions

forgotten’s the smile and evil notions

pain against will’s in heart

stoically holding unshed tears

the future’s bright but never near

fruits
              fail
      love
                   dies
           time
                     ranges

                yet
                       many  
                                     try…

This is such a place of agony.
Why is everyone so angry?
I wish fists would stop clenching.
"Hate" should have no meaning,
Nor voice.

If the Devil were real,
He would be too powerful.
Fed with our anger
And this endless rage.

We could have been so much
So much more peaceful,
So much better.
Why did we have to start a war?

If only the people could smile
From deep in their souls.
If only darkness did not leak
From the corners of all our hearts.

If only smiles rang true true,
And demons stayed under beds;
Out of our lives and our days,
Out of all our minds.

If God does not smite you down,
The world will.
we should've understood definitions.
"Human" is not a compliment or gift.
Humanity is the curse,
and it's closing in.

As one buries the prohibited childhood feelings,
Rage and sorrows buried in shallow graves.

The decomposing body of half-eaten grief,
Rising up before my waking eyes it is.

Worms crawl from its eyes and nose,
Hunks of flesh torn from the face and neck.

For only the suppression of justified rage in childhood,
Makes a person violent and blind.

I throw my phone,
Crashing against the wall.
I cry,
And scream again.

My hand shaking,
I reach into an open fridge.
Slamming the fridge door shut,
Till i hear the crack from a fractured bone.

I clutch myself too hard till it left bruises,
Dragging my nails down my arm backs.

I sit on a brand new carpet,
A room neat as a pin.
Carve her initials into my ankles,
Angled lines rough letters like a child draws.

Just a voice in my head,
telling myself;
I never want to see her again
Cradling my ankle the letters bead up with blood.

Have you ever tethered on the edge of sanity ?
Everything's too crammed yet it's all just empty.

Have you ever climbed onto the peak of vanity ?
Forever confused though it seems so orderly.

Have you ever fell into a world of fantasy ?
Dreams and hopes all mistaken as reality.

Have you ever been drove by sanity,
To the peak of vanity,
Only to realize,

It was all,
Fantasy.

Crest fallen stars they glow no-matter,
An alley to the moon.
The strength they possess encompasses the night,
Yielding to be sun at noon.

Battle scars left from the fights,
Those people's heart don't break.
Ripping back beliefs of their own rights,
Their courage haven't fade.

Persistent's the silent throbbing.
A silence so loud it screams...

Strong and ominous it screams,
As realization dawns that I ate something...

Fear and anger hurls at my mind,
A strangled call for help...
Choking me, forced down my guts,
Bearing down the weight of truth.

First contact with it in days,
It drones on merrily.
Humming a painfully happy song,
Sending waves of shock through me...

My insides burning,
Nothing I can do...
Lying in a fetus position,
I wince...

Light as a feather,
Stiff as a board.
I lie still enough to disappear.
Watch the skies and say, oh Lord.
I'd rather be anywhere but here.
I choose the company of demons,
Over my drag of a mother.
She confuses meanness,
With having a ball.
She reads me,
But gets nothing at all.

I am here
Though i am gone
Just a shell
Empty and souless
I listen to you
Without hearing
I look past
Not really seeing
Fearing feelings
I never dared to feel

Is this all it is to you ?
Just another place,
Another page in the book of our
                                                             ­                     Life.
For some it is their sculptor.
Crafting them,
Into the pinnacle of knowledge.

Drawing out that special someone
In them.
Whatever's best, they will
                                                                ­                  Present.
Others see it as a light house.
A compass,
Guiding, leading them over
                                                            ­                      Obstacles.
If anyone was to ask me,
This place,
Is part jail part heaven.

Despite holding many warm memories,
Some are tainted,
Results of my abandonment.

Distracted by the life outside,
Beyond
This perfect school, life still presents obstacles
                                                       ­                           To
                                   ­                                               Overcome.

Firstly,
This is not a Letter.

But
Unspoken words from my silence,
Today,
My sudden coldness,
Mixed in forced conversations.

Hope it hasn't been awkward for you,
or if it was,
I'm really sorry...
Because i can't change anything.
Speech is not a general gift.

I for one,
am a Lier.
A cell holding thousands of secrets,
One blurring the line between:
Truth and Pretense.

I'm sorry i cannot speak to you,
not you.
not truthfully.

That, that flows in veins;
Evil hearts and cruel souls -
Ignite.

Creating the brightest fires;
The fiercest roars.

Shrill cries of agony -
Le in the ethers;
To be unanswered -

Forever.

Despite all we've been through
You still believe the lies
The figmented truth they sell us
In neatly folded towels
Ironed sheets and fresh linen
Tempting us with home
A seemingly harmless word
Dragging us under
Sinking us deep
Those words held memories
Drilled into our bones
Buried in the recesses of hearts
While we wander the streets
Clutching to our rags
Nursing broken dreams
Scampering like mice in the night
Tugging at loose ends
On the pieces of frayed cloth
For the unspoken promises
The light at the end of the tunnel
The reward from the journey
You didn't believe me
When I said survival is for the fittest
But you have seen for yourself
There are no such things as miracles

shimmering in it's cloak of darkness
gently caressing broken seams
urging on flawless potentials
reigning pausing untouchable dreams