I was too short, too awkward.
My belly too bloated, arms too thick.
It got so I couldn't harness my desire.
But I could make my stomach flat,
I could let those hip bones protrude.
Learning to control all my desires,
Discovering a new intimacy,
Which required no one.

I was terrified at letting in someone else,
Into my imperfect, hateful world.
It was me, just only me,
Who could control my cravings, my desire.
Denying myself food, proof that I was stronger,
Better than most people,
though still lonely for touch,
Still my own stiff regimen.
Trading my new-found power of flesh,
For something more trustworthy,
Something pure.

Naturally skinny,
But not dangerously so.
I trod the line between waif and child,
Hunger became my salvation.
Hunger, my sexless, undemanding suitor,
My only constant friend.