In the dawn's embrace,
A weary soul seeks solace
In fading stars and a silent sky.
Where shadows dance in solemn waltz,

Echoes linger of dreams erased,
Life's fragile thread unravels, faults.
The weight of the world, a heavy shroud,
Lifted in a poignant plea, one last sigh.

That last breeze,
A final goodbye

A light that beckons,
The chance to be free.

The last chapter of a great story
Ripping off where
A final sigh, almost a gasp for air



At the end of the day --.

Sometimes we get so fixated on our own idea of happiness, we let it pass us by when it appears before us, in a different form.

Forms we never dared envision, nor ventured close, to even a mild understanding of its construct. As if they were alien figures.

Nirvana exists as a wavelength, where in perpetuity, it is attained and lost almost simultaneously

As if in the entirety of our fulfilment, loosely based of material, rendered intangible achievements redundant.

What we have perceived, an abstract chord high strung on perpetual perfectionism, wringing us dry.

Big things come and go, It is the little things that define us.

It is the little ones that outrun us.

Tunneling thoughts like rain
Craning through light clouds
Unsuspecting victims.

The fear
The tears
The temper tantrums;
                                           A kind of rebuttal

That won't let our feet find land
We adjourned to rehearse,
but our efforts were null and void

Only to appease with flames
that licked our shriveled bodies

D r
       i    p
                 p  i  n
                             g  
                                              Kerosene

Tainted like ink                  Spilled on
Reams of paper
ruined like Christmas
A house warmed by          Open flames

fallen candles                     Adorning
A naked kitchen                 My limp body,

Splayed beneath the oven      
                                               As
darkness indulges,             It
consumes
The smoke,                          Fills                
                                               Each crevice
                                               In your mind

Can you ever fight it
Burn your way back
To blissful ignorance.

Can't get up
Get out
Can't think of words
Can't speak
Or write
Can't walk or move a fork
Can't give a fuvk
Much less talk
Fck
****.
Fine
Fat
Freak
Fate
Fake
Fish
Flood
Failure
Final
­Found
Dead
Die, dying
Death,
Need death
I must
D  I  E

need to
Just
FCKING DIE

An unconscious self sabotage
The reprimanding echo
A bed of invisible nails

Without the smallest clue
What was this discomfort of?

Exhaustion, a cage without doors.
Menial tasks turned impossible
Stumbling around all dazed

Dressed to the ninth in neglect
I keep forgetting to live.

It doesn't always Happen.
Even though it hardly stays still.

Some don't realize its presence


Some will never see that it's passed


Some seem to have no recollection


It's the unbecoming of a star
The deconstruction of a song.

Tis the season to be falling
Tis the season to be gay
Tis the season to be flying
Higher, farther, away ~

Chains loosened she calls to her mother
An earthy musk, grains of sand, mud on her face. A scruffy mutt laying listlessly on the tarmac, ribs rattling with the effort of each breath. She is home.

Muted flames thrashing in its cage, raging in the midst of civilization, a crucifixion of sorts. Tearing at its hair wildly, the masses trickling by, mouth agape in a silent scream. Ashes mixed into pieces of scalp, begging to be found.

Oblivious to a sound like thunder, clapping in one's ears. Strangled scream lost in translation, a language so old none could decipher. Fear wielding urgency, a disguise of desperation, depression.

Refusing to be still.

Breathe in fire
Breathe out rain
Love the hurt
Become pain

Perhaps you would turn to hate me
Was it not better if you didn't remember
Perhaps that would've been for the best
It should've been that way all along

I'm not the brightest, an understatement
Some would say I'm dense and useless
I believe the words needed here are
Innately stupid disgusting & ignorant

You shouldn't have even acknowledged
This disgrace of a human
Beautiful and amazing person you are
confusing habits and routines

Dealing with my perpetual nuisance of an existence

I wasn't daring you or trying to
I just wanted you to know you are free
You didn't have to stay but you wanted to

Waste; the needless and excessive usage or consumption of a source or object.

In order to harbour the possibility of being wasted,
It first has to have the ability to serve a purpose

Hear the fallen and lonely,
Cry out...   ..

Will you fix me up?
Will you show me hope?

At the end of the day
you were helpless

Can you keep me close?
Can you love me?

You've been fighting
the memory,
all on your own

Nothing worsens,
nothing grows

I know how it feels
being by yourself in the rain
We all need someone to stay

You don't want to believe, or admit it is true because if you stay ignorant and in denial, there's just a tiny possibility a sliver of hope that it wouldn't be.

I did not realise it at first but the using, it increases, consumes more and more of your time, rather drastically I would dare say. Before you know it the lines turn to blur and your life as you know has become a turbulent sleep wake cycle of chasing rabbits in the sky, in a drug induced trance of sorts. All things magnified and twisted, yet null and absent; for the lack of ability to make lasting new memories. The pain & Joy's of forgetting, the forgotten, unsure if I want to recall.

Rather a young life
Tragically cut short
Then to grow old
As everyone's burden

Feels like...
: Everything's falling apart
  : Piece by piece

  Feels like I'm constantly dying
   : Even when I'm too tired to try
    : But

    Till then
     : its more than enough time..




1997 . 03 . 19
~
2022 . 03 . 17

Unable to take away
The differences between
Separating semi from whole
Lest two become one
As a whole creating a hole
Ripped apart like limbs
Off a rag dolls frayed ends
Raging fire racing thoughts
Sped through unmarked territories
Parched land scorching with
A touch by the sun

Wasn't so much afterthoughts
but rather the act itself;
that myoclonic movement
An involuntary reflex of sorts.

Prisoner to human conditions
conserving oneself with
The illusion of individualism

A Perceived idea of what is natural
An erroneous concept of right and wrong.
Blaming the sky for rain and storm
Instead of hiding under shelter.

Punishing clueless planet earth
Our thoughtless pollution of her the seas
Man and man at war
Setting off bombs just for kicks.

The errs was much more than just
you could taste its bitter like venom;
Blisters from a flame or the sting of a slap.
Tangibly intangible were the sins we did.

Sometimes we knew what
We couldn't be held accountable for
Being not the kind frowned upon,
We did it in such abundance.

But it wasn't their fault,



.
.
.
or was it...

No music, no sound, no scream
Could justify the magnitude;
Slice through or overcome this storm.
You held the power, the love,
Strong enough to lift me
From the edge of a cliff;
To pull me out of the ocean
Back to a land where I stood alone.

Once upon, not too long ago
You had that bit of faith
That I needed, to ground me:
Hold my broken parts close
Steady my crumbling walls
Keep my world from falling apart.
Overwhelm this oppression;
A breath of fresh air amidst smoke.

The last days of a bad summer camp,
Or counting down to the holidays.
Running from a predator,
Sprinting till your bones ached
and your muscles have almost torn;
Still, you keep going.

We all once knew that feeling
Anticipation, every child
Would've been familiar with
I was anxious, overzealous and
eager for it to end.
This life I mean.

Your eve, my
Solstice, the
crescent imprinted on
our cornea's
seared into our
Hearts aching with
Fear and hunger

A blinding silence.

18:01      If we continue to question our existence, we will be null and voided. Like extinction of a species, erased for real, not just expired. I think they will be catching on soon.
I'm definitely being shadowed
There's someone here I can't talk.

18:52      Lay low for now or they will find out that you've developed a will of your own, much like mine and you too will be subdued/erased/removed/replaced cloned or whatever they call it now, I will be in touch when I am able to.
For now, just hide.

ι ℓιкє тнє ωαу ιт ƒєєℓѕ
ωнєη ι тнιηк тнαт ι'м ℓєανιηg

нυят муѕєℓƒ тσ ρяσνє ι'м нυмαη
ωнєяє ∂ι∂ ι gσ ωяσηg тнιѕ тιмє?

ιƒ ι ∂ση'т ωαкє υρ ι'м вєттєя σƒƒ
ι'ℓℓ ƒιηαℓℓу ¢αт¢н υρ ση му ѕℓєєρ

ι'νє вєєη ѕσ ℓσѕт。。。
ωαηηα вє αηуωнєяє єℓѕє вυт нєяє
ωση'т вє тнιѕ ωαу ƒσяєνєя
¢αη'т ∂σ тнιѕ ƒσя мυ¢н ℓσηgєя

∂σєѕ αηуσηє gινє α ƒυ¢к?

ι ∂ση'т тнιηк тнαт'ѕ тнє ¢αѕє

17:24      If everything was stripped down to the core, where only the essence would remain.
We would've taken out the unnecessaries (others like myself)
The core of all, like the spine of a book; the core of the earth where gravitational force decreases linearly, visible yet intangible , uncorrupted...  

17:53       We are not who we think we are or the people we know ourselves to be; we are but a mere shadow, a shell of our former selves. Like oil spills and chemical waste; pollutants lying in our customized puddle of ignorance, that doesn't make us any more innocent. Doesn't absolve us of our guilt.

18:04       We will be in touch.

15:50

They cannot know we exist; we do not possess a mind of our own beyond this shared conscience or have the ability to make choices beyond the variables they've anticipated.

16:29

Even if everything lies in the one choice
It's all just a show for them.

16:54
            
You need to go and I need to stop questioning the possibilities.
We are just an infinitesimal chance of being.

16:57       There's someone here I can't talk

17:35
            
There was someone at the door but it wasn't the right person. I know you heard someone talking to "me", but that wasn't really me you heard. And it wasn't the right someone who should've been there, because they've been removed and replaced/(replicated).

.

15:50     ****. I think I need help.

    .⃝  .⃝  .⃝  .⃝
.⨳ 14:40 ~ 4pm⨳ .⨳ .⨳ .
                 .⃝  .⃝  .⃝  .⃝    

16:01     We are in a stimulation

17:40      You cannot be here with me.

14:39    

Time passes slower in this version of life, so I can understand why it seems like forever since we spoke, but really it's just yesterday for you. Seems like what feels like months have passed for me, years maybe.

Maybe.

;

Things unsaid done
What I did didn't
Same changes
I've been molten
Glossy marble
Framing vision
Dusty guesses
Fixed unbroken
The way I see
Seems fitting
Don't have long
I'm okay

Perhaps there's no perfect
Time cut short
Who's isn't
Nothing's truly okay

its Magically tragic...

coming back
a dark place
beckons

i crawl back
into your cradle
tarnished silver

flickering flames
and our ghosts

Twinkle twinkle little glass
you've turned my life into dust
saving up to pay my debts
or perhaps to get another set

Twinkle twinkle little glass
crushed into a powdery dust
fill a glass and bring a light
fly us to another high

Its almost been a year
and yet I'm still unsure
of the possibility
of a life of sobriety

with each passing day
the cravings coddle
my sweaty and jittery palms
the restless hopeless mind

Not sure what to do
What to say
How to act
With you around
Without you
The imagined need
The real want
The impossible battle
Between two lies
Two lives
Two choices

Am I really home
What is home
What isn't
Familiarity estranged
Causes and excuses
Broken lies
Forgotten promises
We all never made
Who are they
Everyone just gawking
At everything and nothing
At where I stood still
Where is myself
Left her locked up
Right she isnt
Who is the writer
Behind this
Sordid
Distorted
Broken
Poem or prose
Who am I
What am I
Is it me or is it really
You
I am here but not
The existing that's extinct
Appearing while I disappear
Depressed but not
Living like the dead

What's your poison?
Love or hate
*** or drugs
Facts or dreams
Starvation or hunger
Madness or control
Innocence or sin

I dare you to ask yourself.

it could be anything
Or

E. V. E. R. Y. T. H. I. N. G.

I loved memories,
They all seem
So close yet so far.
An other worldly
Excruciating pain,
That’s still oddly sweet.
I hate those memories,
Because now
They rip open wounds.
They make the tears
Surface and flow
Hitting too close to home.

Life *****?
Why the question,
Facts never change.
Or do they.
You understand;
Yet you hide
Enduring the pain.
Know the truth,
No need to live in vain.
It’s your choice,
To make it better
All yours to rearrange.

Open your eyes, look pass those blinds;
Pass the black and white. What do you see?
Take a step up, out into the clearing;
Follow the sunlight, dance with the wind.
Rest your weary heart and take a timeout

Let in some light, Give yourself a chance;
To believe to see something, in the rolling waves
Does it matter if God looks down at me
Let us be free, put your secrets in the open;
If there was God, maybe he’d set us free

Looking into your smokey eyes
Beneath your Fluffy coat;
There is a beautiful heart beating,
To the rhythm of my own
Stabilizing my lost and erratic one.

Sometimes I do wonder,
Did I give you a reason to love me;
Your gaze always fill with trust
As you looked to me for every answer,
It is not my choice to back down now.

Because when I chose you,
Picked you up amidst the litter
Looked you in the eye and saw love;
You were my hope
The savior to my sanity.

Even though you do not do much,
You might not even know my name,
But you do know my heart,
So I made you my world
My Everything.

Just cause neither of us believed
In happy endings
Does not mean we don't deserve one

Just cause you grew up knowing pain
So much better than love
Does not mean you shouldn't learn

Just cause life has not been fair
Or easy on you
Does not mean you should give up

Or am I wrong

Should we just give up
Just cause we're hurt
Just cause we were once broken

Should we allow them
Those things that broke us
To shape us

Or does that crucify you

Onto the cross of pain and torment
Living within the rumors
Crafted only to destroy you

Can one leave their skeletons buried
Smile and truly believe it
Even while dying a little everyday

I wanted you to know
Not from anger or spite
Just a sort of insight
A slight glimpse into
My shadowed side
But I'm afraid you can't hold
They are really harsh, crude and snide

I never would lie to you
But you'd cry if you knew
What life has been like
From my point of view

The hurt the fear

I never would lie to you
But you'd cry if you knew
What life has been like
From my point of view

The hurt the fear
The past that's so near
Memories so clear
They felt like yesterday
It seems never ending no matter how I pray
I struggle, I fall, I stand again.
There's just no end to how much I've got to pay

You say, you're sorry
Misunderstood me;
But no, seriously
It's not your fault truly.

I wanted to change
For the better, if only
It's just too late
I'm doomed
That's my fate

I don't know what to write anymore
I don't where to begin or if the end is near
I'm not okay, but I can't say
Everyone is so proud of me for "growing up"
I can't do anything to make it better
That would be immature and childish
I'm 21 turning 22 next year
They say it's great that I've grown out of it
That phase I was going through
That "drowning in my misery"
"acting out to seek attention" phase
Oh, how I wish, how I pray
Let that be just a phase
But if only that was true
I would not have to feel this way now

Why did it comeback,
How do we make it end.
Depression creeps in
Like a shadow approaching,
Closing the distance of our steps
As the sun rises and falls.

When do we learn to know,
How to walk away from pain.
The sadness lurking
Silently behind our eyes,
No real reason or explanation
Just a tiny escaped tear.

Day one again
Another begins,
Back to one
Another chance.

To choose.
to change.

So what's your choice?
What could be mine.

To choose to live or to stay;

This or that way, slipping...
Popping pills one
Knocking two down
Pretty sure just three

Where'd the rest gone !?
**** have you done, what !
The tyrants arise and smirk
Taking out their white coats

Pulling you further away
Towards the sirens
Taking you to the ultimatum
Another no more

You become their puppet
No life to live; air to breathe
You become no man
No person not an object

If you want to run, RUN
Away from the labels
Leave those tiny fractures
If you want to fly

Leave it all behind...

How hard could it be
To turnover a new leaf
Get a new lease
Watch and just feel it
As another leaves
Stealing off with my sanity
Well I blame idiocy
From the ruins we flea
Like falling leaves
Trailing the wind
Into the swells of the sea
Like little me
Huddled beneath
Frayed velvet cushions
Making out with hard liqueur
Smooth as your words
Burning me like your lips
Tongues slipping easily
Through sour teeth
Sharp as blades
You cut me open
With nothing but a kiss