Kids still smoke under the tree where we used to hide between classes where I told Tom I loved him a life time ago but it still feels like who I am the girl with the crush on the guy in the band
Do you ever count the bad days and wonder why you let those hours pass you by
Why get out from under the covers the comfort of memory foam and the cold side of the pillow
Why sit in traffic listening to those same over played songs wanting to scream at the top of your lungs at the changing lights
Why sit at a desk with almost strangers checking for the count down to lunch or any type of break from the relentless machine of the everyday
Why not pack up and leave move to a place where you count do something that matters without a six am alarm but that's just another thought to pass the day
I know all of your jokes the stories you tell after a few beers how your voice sounds at 4am when you haven’t slept all night because we had a fight and you just want to make up
I know that you’re scared of turning into your father or coming anywhere close but I also know that you won’t
I know the day we met I knew that I had to know you but now that’s all gone
You belong to the credit card statements on your coffee table to your bosses emails at 7pm to plans you can't cancel to conversations that just don't end
You belong to morning commutes to browsing produce same time every Tuesday to the caffeine fix it you missed to sad days you want to escape
James I'm in love with the idea of you I think about it all the time who I'd like you to be in this sad little life of mine
The knight in shining armour saving me from a burning building chasing away all of the demons without all of the posions no more bottles of whisky needed
Wind back the cassette to before that rainy November day to when I didn't feel lost without you holding me down keeping me anchored
I close my eyes to see the fine details the loud confidence the smell of rain on your skin the can of beer in your hand how you took my hands like a winter coat against the cold
I go back and chose an empty seat or don't talk about the traffic how glad we were it was Friday I would never have heard you laugh seen the way you look in love
I want to fall in love with you all over again where it all started on that corner of Hyde Park watching the leaves change on the edge of 21 walking home in the rain living as if nothing would ever change
We were addicted to strawberry creams And lemon sherbets Searching for anything with a sugar rush
Our jumpers tied around our waists Dragging textbooks and revision notes Across gravel on summer days Counting down till it would all be over
There was a world out there With dragons and knights in shining armour Or pant suits and project meetings Depending on who you asked Or who you were at the time
We wore black and talked about death Or wished the short days wouldn’t end At the back of the music block where no one would see The smell of cigarette smoke on our breath First kisses and first heart breaks were had
A life time ago but we still have strawberry creams and those lemon sherbets
Life was simple at twenty-one there was hope for us there was a chance we’d be all of the things we promised we’d be living on the coast tangled in each other's arms under skies full of stars watching the waves roll in a world away from anyone anything we know
I miss the summer when I couldn’t stop thinking about you falling asleep to your voice at 3am sharing stories of who we’d been before that day in October in the cold and the rain
I miss that feeling of being safe wrapped up in your arms in the back of the pub when it felt like my world was falling apart hiding away from everything
I want you your strange habits your bad moods the stories you tell on Friday nights after a beer or six the sound of your voice first thing breakfast in the sun stolen days in bed the pace of your heartbeat lost under covers and clouds
I like traditions reading the same book on holiday every summer watching Frasier re-runs with my morning coffee going to the same restaurant on my birthday with the same seven friends meeting at the pub on the corner for a white wine buzz before heading to the city
Crawling back to you like I do every time and promising myself I won’t
We used to picture a life at sea at the mercy of the waves and the setting sun lost under stars drifting further apart contained in a space too small for the tragedies told by aching hearts
I know the feel of summer in this town ice cream melting down our fingers bare feet on the grass by the river daring each other to jump in
Freedom starting with a final bell carrying our hopes home in a backpack with all the day dreams and doodles
Reading books about the lives we’d lead if we were adventurers exploring beyond the edges of the football field lost somewhere between fantasy and reality
Watching life pass by with the changing colours of the leaves crash landing into responsibility
We are the secerets we keep the songs we dance to in the kitchen when no one else is home the drunken kisses at parties we told our parents we weren't going to the regular nightmares that make us want to run
We are the things we want when no one else is looking the second slice of cake the quiet lazy days we crave all of the pet peeves we still hold grudges for
To me you are who you were in the park last summer after two glasses of wine holding hands while the light faded out
I miss the simplicty of being yours being young in the back of class rooms in tragic classic novels with folded down pages something you always hated the songs about heartbreak autumnal sunsets champagne coloured skies perfection at the horizon
It’s strange talking about work and the weather as if we didn’t spend almost a decade wrapped up in each other
Somewhere out on the water talking about forever as if it was just another Tuesday
You were always trying to teach me how to sail but I never really listened still I was in love with your voice and the way you’d stop to kiss me when I complained about the cold till it didn’t matter anymore
Sometimes I wish we’d never come ashore stayed out there where time didn’t matter and nothing changed
We could have disappeared over the horizon into the proverbial sunset we would have stayed golden
Those rose tinted days in the city the rush at Liverpool Street running late on my twenty first birthday waiting on the circle line in the cold winter sunshine I remember coffee in the tiny cafe when everyone turned to look at us laugh
It felt as if the world made sense as if we’d found the place we needed to be tucked away in a corner sharing stories as if we’d known each other forever like soul mates made of the same star I knew I never wanted to leave your side
I was a stargazer sky watcher full of hope tracing pictures in clouds (cats on surfboards and such) with bright sunlight or deep blue midnight until it ended with a crushing sunrise
I would have stayed in London not given away my heart and left it with the wrong person spent a few nights on beaches under clear skies and stars in a Miami sunset haze Maybe I’d be by the sea or living the big city dream be a new version of myself a person I always wanted to be
I still sleep on the right side of the bed add sugar to my tea in halves keep my keys in my coat pocket with notes of the things you said
I still wonder what you'll think about the mess and all of these bad habits I have left because I'm not myself anymore just a version you kept in your head
We still listen to the same bands Walk the same streets And think about the same boys that broke our hearts When the only thing that mattered was the next class we had Or who kissed who by the bike sheds
When 3pm was the end of the day And we lived for every mistake we made Because it didn't matter that we hated this town And it didn't matter who we let down We'd become something bigger than Just names etched into a desk And all of the tears shed
We'd love and learn And forget
The only thing is After a decade and some change After miles away And time for it all to fade
I still think about when we first met sometime in late October with rain in your hair the sound of a beer cracking open the sinking feeling of just knowing
I am fading from real life turning into notifications an unread inbox of messages with emojis (instead of emotion) stuck behind blue light just a digital version of hope and hurt
We're the same in a way the same eyes the same bad temperament but I'm a mess you can't clean up and you hate that no lemony freshness could work on the broken hearts day dreams spilt in ink the time wasted searching for something that matters
We're painfully predictable don't you think? half a decade plus some change of this same insane almost love story
We make plans we won't keep the house by the sea just simple nights on the sofa or star gazing somewhere we're just so tired and it's been so long we're all talk we always have been
We fight about nothing on the quiet days just to fill the gaps and as an excuse to make up but still there's so much radio silence screaming pining lust
I think about us in the dark walking the back streets in the city taking the long way home hand in hand sharing laughs and whispers full of hope
I think about us in a tiny house in the country we'd rattle about in our old age with climbing roses and rocking chairs on the porch
I think about us on lazy Sunday mornings in perfect sleep drunk silence your favourite black coffee the crossword puzzles I never finish just in a haze
I think about us and sometimes it hurts because of who we are
It's the fraying nerves listening to passing sirens at three am a long day spent distracted by the ringing in your ears the hum of of your heartbeat like an alarm bell when you need sleep drowning when you just want a moment of peace
I feel like crawling out of my skin in this unseasonably warm weather summer night hazes in mid-October t-shirts and aircon and everything else that feels wrong for where we should be and how far this year’s gone