The paths taken
   Feel so unforgiving
To hear the words
   You say are true
Stand strong and linger
    With a bitter taste

Can't you tell what's
    Right or wrong
And if the affects
     Lay within my reach
Just yesterday
     You pulled me in to help
          Feel safe
And now your like
   The Cheshire cat
       And his foolish grin
How can you wear two
     Faces at a time
Which one do you feed
     At any given time

WARNING:  STRONG FEELINGS OF ANGER AHEAD -

Guess I should try and try again
    It's useless I already know
And so,  it's fruitless trying to let anybody know

I cringe in such distaste of ignorant people

The people that say oh she just wants attention, or that she just doesnt want to get better

Well ******* you ignorant ****
Until you Have experienced  it shut the **** up!!

I knew when I woke up
    My thoughts were not (oh guess I want to be sad today or oh guess I will choose to be happy today)

Get a grip ignorant people!
For goodness sakes you should just shut the **** up!!

Your so ******* stupid - to think you know something when you know nothing at all about it - because if you did - you probably helped to put some innocent child, adolescent, young adult in their grave!!

So for those of you who don't know what it's like -

SHUT THE **** UP!!

To feel as though I may fall
   Upon painful memories from so
      Far ago

The battery of feeling unloved
    Which whence it was born from

To fall to my knees
     Is where it takes me

There's no hiding
     No plight quite ever allows
  
Just cradle myself for there is
     Never one to understand

How it crumples me into
      So many folds

That I can no longer unbend
      And try still to remold

It lingers in the stillness
      Of my lonely home

Never do I want to feel as though
      I may fall

It has been said
   "Your day is coming"
That life can turn
    in an instant

I have been hopeful
   that day indeed would come
So when it appeared
   you bet I jumped aboard

With all that I had seen
    with others that is
it was then I learned
    my expectations are mine to own

Truth not always spoken
   But always known
For the day will come
    With such spoken words
Let the truth in

Let it be the release
    of the old
And the building
    Of the new
Let the truth in

Let it be known
That what is seen
   with the eyes
Always holds the truth
Let the truth in

And the trust within
   The new you begin

I felt the plunge of it's talons
   As it wretched my heart to pieces

The excruciating feeling of the ripping and the tearing of my heart

The sounds of it feeding upon me brought forth the vile in my stomach

I couldn't survive this time! I knew there had to be an end.

No more pain, no more ugly thoughts running rampant in my mind

No more seeking desperately to make it stop!

To just lay down and feel no more is the only thing left that I want!

To know that I was just a crazy woman in everyone's mind matters no more.

At times she laid upon her bed
   Daring herself to drift

It was then
   Those  dark, dark slumbers
        Taught just who she really is

How does one survive the turmoil inside
Doubts of oneself that replay on repeat
Crisis created out of truths put aside
Protecting the truth that caused the defeat


Then to learn no norm will ever be built
Never ever will it even be known
Then comes the shame and of course all the guilt
Damaged further and cannot be resewn

Then swept away with another high tide
Raising the same questions left from the past


Then look above for the reason to hide
Answers not given only added to the last
Then fears brought back upon shores of unreason
Living sadness still in another New season

Consumed for so very long
   With everything about ME

I did not know until  
    IT NOW HAS BESEIGED ME

The fire building inside
   Should cause an alarm

But no one sees
    Nor feels the heat

It rises and grows
    As no one listens

Then finally you'll hear
    There she blows

These  moments always  empty of life
existence  it will never be

For there was hope to one day
Feel the likes of all the others

Always dismissed and never seen
The spirit always being alone

Never rising to it's fullness
And never to be shown

It lays tethered
Bleeding and torn to shredds

If only one day it could
Ever succumb you

You would no longer judge
And no longer would you laugh

The screams of fear
Always left unheard

While laying and writhering
The escape of it never being

To pray for an exit
But leaving you here

Is not yet possible
Forever gone you'll always be
Non existent instead

The weight of this soul brings
Not of joy
Sadness generates and permeates continually

The song of contentment never at hand
Only waves of disturbances crashing one after another

Never allowing a breath of freshness
Only the harshness that burns the lungs

Bringing a heavy heart only made to carry
Slowing down this shell  it evolved in

The love of another brings with it such fury
When at first it only felt so light and hopeful

That which is seen by the eyes for all others
Never knowing it is part of ones make up

The age of which one becomes it's own
Given by the creator to grow and see that it prospers

Try not to pour more hate upon
Me
The nature of what sits within allows no strength to guard it off

I breathe to stay alive in a world I'd rather not be in

It is such a natural thing, to fight for life

Yet, I also fight the urge to live
In this world

My fear of living with such pain day in and day out

Ii's not natural, yet I constantly think of death and how the pain would end

There's such an emptiness
   The void always present
Leaving no desire
    For this life or another
Falling to your knees
    Frantic for answers
Never believing you'll
    Ever be of worth
In the eyes of others
    Is where it hurts
The pain ever growing
    Oh how it badly hurts
The chase of a love
    That will never be
Without fail
    Again tossed into the sea
Drowning in the depths
    Of the deep blue waters
And knowing that's all
    It ever will be
Just how can you expect
    Anything more of me
There's no rebuilding
    The you and me
It never being your fault
     The day I finally
Make you leave me

Pain once again rushing beneath your feet
The force of the blow left undetermined
Love was right there and to not be a cheat
Just like the man who comes to be confirmed

Then slips in the mind of  a troublemaker
Taking it's hand and dropping like a hammer
Then there lay upon the loved and it's maker
Beauty of it shined enough to calm her

Then the attack from whence it once came from
Lay blistering and bleeding from then on
Then brought together like beats of a drum
Nowhere to be seen only heard and then gone

Playing with betrayal will cause the burn
Life's greatest treasure left a grave concern

Laying beside him and unable to speak
He wraps himself around my every breath
Unfolding into his sensual warm wet kisses
If I go away this moment
I will have known what it feels to be loved
Finally

Dark cold nights must come
Stealing life with eyes upon
Til death be to some

Fragile keep silent as we all can see
Truth there are no words to be spoken of
And the able speak loud and will strive to be
They continue on and still yearn to love

Then the silent reap not of one
More tear
Only to give in on their dark set hour
While the able cling to gray skies of fear
Upon which they shed another tearful shower

Then the silent no longer walk this land
Truth they have gone to a far away place
While the able see upon the fear and stand
With a heartfelt tear falling down their face

So it becomes that all shall understand
Fragile are gone and the strong forever stand

Sing me a song pretty one
   There upon your perch

Yes let me see
   The stretch of your wings

How beautiful you are
   Left in a trance

How light and serene you can be
   I long to sit upon a perch

Where I can sing from my soul
   And set it free

The ride of life
  in no direction
Can be the death
  Of you within it

Keep loving me please

For that,
  Is how I take my next breath

Without it
   Is when I'm sure to hold my last breath

So just keep loving me please

The thoughts are present
  Of yesterday
The happiness we had
  In such a way
Then night came to bring
  A new day
It was then that the trust
  Slipped away

These emotions lay dormant
    For many long days
Soon they'll erupt and spew
   The vile in which they were made
The pretense that promotes
   Such hateful descriptions
Only pulls away the flesh and exposes
   The innocence

I'm at a loss for words
   My emotions are in abundance

Whispers whispers
The whispering we all hear
He who
Whether alone or with others
Lends a listening ear
Should understand the loss
Of another's
Reputation
And protect it always
By rejecting
Their whispers
By expressing
With a hault of Their hand

To walk with nothing
  In hand

Allows room for a
  Heart of gold

Look at her beauty
  There as she stands

Quick! Quick!
  Before she hides again

I knew the pain
  She would feel today
When I whispered to her
  There can be change
The fight to step high
  Might be a reach
Now my babe
   See her relaxed asleep

I am you
  You are me

So starting this day
  Let us all come to be

Always strive deligently far within

Until you see that spark of trust again

Such a feeling came today
learning to understand

For just yesterday
  I could have easily gone
    away

All bottled up
   Like a little secret message

Then placed to float in
  mother natures shifting motion

To finally arrive
   In the still waters of all bottled hauntings

So the saying goes
   1st time shame on you
      2nd time shame on me

When at last comes the end
     That shame still continues on

I will keep walking ahead
   No matter which path

For there's no wrong way
   or right way

Print after print
   never leaving an end

The proof shows the strength
   Of undying hope always striving within

Little small hands
   Little small feet

What beauty lies
   So hidden beneath

A child's reach
   Should always be met

But an adults
   Why?
After all it's just grief

It's easier to hold a grudge
    Then to take a little peek

Even when small hidden souls
    Have much to teach

But it's the guiless blinder
    You choose to keep

That way you can escape
    The blame that you breached

For so selfish is the way
    Of this so called life

When you think nothing
    Of a life you didn't care to reach

Viewing life and all its existence
   Wondering where I fit in

Am i too an actual
   Participant

If so
   Why  this feeling
There's no proof of my
   Part in it

The passing by
   Of others and happiness
I see no
    Footprint left of mine

The existence of some days
  Hold me captive
For 1, 2 hours
  Even days at a time

I feel i can barely breathe
  That i am slowly dissipating
But it' is that drug!
  That **** drug i keep taking

How do i escape it
  Because it also keeps me alive
The running has got to end
  There's absolutely nothing of me left to bend

I scream and i scream
  Because I am alone
Please please
  Why me
Over and over again

What do you do
     With broken parts
Lay them here
     Lay them there
I want them to dance
     To the soothing melody
I so dream of

Crazy days fill up my head
    To wish them away
Would be lazy in a day

For its those sun filled laughable
    Bids for the day
That project us so teasingly into the next day

Here it is again
   My face hidden in hands
Short time ago
   I was sure I would learn how to let go
The ******* i use upon myself
   In any given day
Reaps such horror
    How can it ever be replaced

Forgiveness
   Foreshadows
       Of what we
            Sincerely will become

My euphoric state of mind
    Is artificial
It brings awareness of my feelings
    And it is the only time i feel alive

Please don't judge me
  or shun me please
For it is all i know
   Of me at this time

Must walk away from that small pebbled path

For to continue on
Hurting bare feet

Is to blind yourself
From your own defeat

All those feelings tucked away
   When  depressed

Came leaping out from such a place
    so compressed

Flowing fluttering like butterflies
   And i shall never forget the beautiful bees.

I wished they would land upon me
   On grey days as well as a clear days

They're beautiful these feelings you see
   Just like the butterflies and the bees

For you To live my life
     It is difficult you'll see
For after about an hour
     You'd want to be freed
You just might finally
     See different and heed so many words
This time You will look at me differently
     I promise my every spoken word

They said "snap out of it"
   And the hurt only got worse
Do they not know
   Next time i might be in a hearse

Can't they see
   I am broken
I am not a thrill ride
   That comes to life with a token

The loneliness
   Sets in even deeper
And I want my life
   To be a keeper

I can feel me
   Escaping my body
And am struggling
   Not to be a nobody

But even after
   All these years later
I still feel their puncture
   And view them as a hater

Excuse me
    I believe you have
         something of mine

Please I don't think I
    Know what to do
         without it

I know I thought i could
     Trust your words
           When you took it

You know when you
     Thought i wasn't looking
            But i was

I was afraid then that you
      Would misplace it
            But i chose to look
                   the other way

You took that key to my heart
      And now it's broken
            without it

All I can ask you now
      Is when you took my key
             It wasn't to cherish it
                     was it

So ask you softly now
       Can you finally return it
            To where the pieces
                   Now lay shattered

To share my feelings
    With my best of words
Is so deliberating within
    My most vulnerable state
I seek you often
    Though not every day
It spills from my lips
     After day upon day
And night after night
    When i feel there is not much
       Left of me inside
I lay here remembering
      All the days that have passed
And a tear slips down my face
      For the forgotten child
           who lives lost within

To move with grace
    Would be my wish
To live life by grace
     Would be a forsaken place
I follow close to seek
      Out this place
To lie my broken spirit
      but not my final resting place