Depression is like
Being on a sinking ship.
You see another boat
Out on the horizon,
But you are not sure
It will make it in time
To save you.

Today was different.
I laughed.
I smiled.
I lost my frown.
I was different.
Yes, today was a good day.
Because today was different.

After all that work
After all the fight,
I find myself
Back where I started.
Do I have any fight left in me?

"You don't look like you write poetry.."
Well, why not?
Is it because I am an athlete?
Is it because you misinterpret my personality?
Is it so hard to believe,
I can put my thoughts down
In a way I feel better?
Tell me,
Tell me please.
What does a poet look like?
Do all of them look the same?
Act the same?
Messy hair and beanies.
Scarves and hot tea.
Hipsters.
Suicidal or lovestruck.
Black or white.
The "artsy" types.
Typical stereotypical ideas of poets.
But we are not the same.
We are all different,
Except for one thing,
We all understand each other.
So please never judge me again,
Just because you don't understand
Our world.

I looked in the magazines
And saw beauty.
So I changed myself
So the world would think I'm pretty
Because I thought everyone found me ugly.

But then I looked in the mirror
And I realized
It was me
Who didn't think I was beautiful
It was me
Who needed to accept myself.

When nothing goes right,
Do not go left,
For it is when you persevere,
And face the obstacles,
When you become strongest.

Don't tell me I'm strong
And then beat me down.
Don't tell me I'm smart
And then attack me with cleverness.
Don't tell me I'm pretty
And then make me feel ugly.
Don't tell me I'm honest
And then make me tell a lie.
Don't tell me I'm brave
And then treat me like a coward.
Don't tell me I'm kind
And then make me fight.

Don't tell me these things,
And then leave me to die.

She downplays my emotions
I may be sad,
But she's depressed.
I may be stressed,
But she's been running around all day.
I had a long day,
But hers was even longer.

I am unhappy,
But my emotions aren't as important
As hers.

Do you feel what I feel?

When you touch me,
Do you hear my sharp intake of breath
The way I shudder beneath your fingertips

When you're not looking,
Do you feel my eyes on you
The look of adoration and admiration

When you talk to me,
Do you notice how I catch every word
Your conversation never bores me

When you kiss me,
Do you feel me gravitate towards you
As if there was distance between us

When we're together,
Do you know I love you?
I love you.

Do you know what I know?
You’re a wonderful human being
Angry, but with a heart full of love.
Mutual hearts together
Giving and giving
The gift of your love neverending

And who am I?
I’m the lucky girl.

But,
What if we have it all wrong?
What if reality,
Isn't what we think?
What if our dreams were reality?
A world where we can fly,
Lounge above the clouds
Have super powers,
Fall in love with no complication,
Always beat the bad guy.
Why do we always-
Have to accept that we are stuck,
In such a horrible world
When we have the power to go other places?
Why can't sometimes,
We just dream?

You left me,
As I sat in a puddle of my own tears.
Didn't even say a word.
As you walked out the door.
And you didn't even bat an eyelash.
When the room filled up with the salty water.
When I drowned.

Sometimes-
I feel too much.

Sometimes-
I feel nothing at all.

Dying was never difficult
Living is what keeps us anxious.
We keep ourselves in chains
Even if we are unaware of this *******.
Fighting wars-
Against societal constructs
When the real battle is within all of us.
We lie to protect
We crave attention,
But our guilty pleasure is our loneliness.
We like to hurt
Because secretly,
We like the way it feels-
When there's nothing but emptiness inside.

We're nothing but dust
We're nothing but a speck
In an expanding universe.
Our lives a tiny blip of history.
Dying is the only way we add to the universe
No one will remember how we lived.
We are humans.
The scariest thing in the world-
Is immortality.

Make the most of your tiny blip.

It's funny,
Isn't it?
How life can be so cruel,
Yet so giving.
But you choose how to spend your time.
The things you want to happen,
The little things you get excited for,
That will make you happy,
They will seem to take a long time,
Very slow.
And you don't like to wait.
You will learn to stop getting excited for things,
And they will begin to come and go,
Quicker than ever.
You will realize that by giving up this wait,
The wait for excitement or happiness,
You are seeing your life flash before your eyes.
But you don't care anymore,
Because it's too late.

I remember the feeling.
Like I was getting rid
Of every foul thing inside me.
I would feel so-
Empty.
But at the time
It was better than feeling everything.
And sometimes I would just lay there
And I would cry.
I was so ashamed
Of my bathroom coping mechanisms.
Brush my teeth
So the acid wouldn't make them yellow.
Appearances seemed to be important.
Had to be thin,
Had to be empty.

I didn't realize then
That I was wasting away
That there was another way
To purge my feelings.
But I know now.
I know now.

You saved me.

This is the end of the childhood road
Wish I could turn around
But they say I can't
Why would I want to anyways?
*** holes and collapsed bridges-
Behind me.
Ahead of me-
A freshly paved road.
I want to go back though
Fill up those *** holes
Rebuild the collapsed bridges-
But it's too late.
It's already too late.
Why do I dread this road ahead?

If you could tell me
That everything
Would be okay tomorrow,
Maybe I'd believe you.
Maybe for once,
I could pretend
That the future held hope.
So please
Tell me all your hopes and dreams
So that I may dream, too.

How could I have
Been so blind?
To not see the explosion
Happen before my eyes?
It all happened so fast.
Didn't hear the bang,
Didn't even see the light.
Didn't even know it happened,
Until my skin got tight.
And I got burnt.

They said she needed to fall for someone.
Indeed, she did.
She fell
Into a deep dark pit
Where no one could join her.
It was lonely,
And she was sad all the time.
But she enjoyed the silence.

Fallen from grace
An angel wakes up in a field
Questioning its origin
Who am I?
She finds the road
And meets some nice people
Who weren't so very nice.
Battered and bruised
On the side of the road
She decides who she wants to be.

**I will be the STRONG
I will never again be weak.
Although I cannot remember my past,
My future will be great.
If anyone shall try to beat me,
I shall **** them where they stand.
Because I am no longer filled with light,
In this dark, decrepit land.

A poem created in a head-
Lost before it can be written down,
Is a true tragedy.
A story that will never be told
Words that will never be released
Forever ******
To the graveyard
Of forgotten memories
And the crypts
Of stolen livelihood.

Scavenging for that once in a lifetime
Four leaf clover
Heads down
Eyes searching the earth
For one small piece of luck
That may never be found
These chins need to rise
People need to see the world
Stop looking for this luck
And realize how lucky they are
To be alive
To live in this beautiful world.

You are etched on my bones
Ingrained in my soul
Locked in my mind
Still residing in my heart-
I cannot wash you
From my skin.

When will I be free of you?
Do I want to be?

I am the Ice Queen-
Hardening others' souls.
When I'm not hurting others,
I shiver in my own cold.

I am the Ice Queen-
Ruining hopes and dreams.
When I'm not making others cry,
You can hear my screams.

I slowly reveal myself-
The thick molasses starts to thin.
I look to them,
I expect judgment.
They just look at me with listening eyes,
And that's when I know.
I am free.
Thanks to them, I am free to be me.

All those friendly people
The smiling people in your life

The ones who hold you
When you need it.

The ones who listen
In your silence.

The ones who understand
Your outbursts of anger

The ones who realize the meaning
Of your absence.

These are the people
You need in your life.

But don't forget,
Give it all back.
Be the same person they were to you
Remember,
Behind every great person
There is a great shadow.
This shadow grows every moment.
Give back,
Give sunlight to their lives
As they have done for you.

You took something from me-
I'm not sure what.

I've been frantically searching,
But I don't know what I'm looking for.

Something about me is missing,
And it's taken away my smile.

You took something from me-
And I'd like it back, please.

I like to give people things
I'll buy them food
Or their movie ticket
Or I'll give them a ride somewhere
Free of charge.
I like to give people things
Because I know how the world is
How it takes too much

It took my father
It took my sanity
It took my patience
It took my hope
But it has not taken away my will
I always have a choice

I choose to give.
And I will give until I have nothing left
Because then,
At least it will be my choice.
And I will know that
The world cannot take away
Something I no longer have.

Hurry-
Send the troops
A new war has begun.
A war deep inside of me.
We will need ammo
We need survival strategy.
Find me someone-
Who has experienced
This war before
Find me someone-
Who can help me win.

My favorite time to go to the ocean-
Is when the crowds leave,
The umbrellas go away,
And the darkness of night falls upon the sand.
The stars glisten like the diamonds they are,
And I just sit,
And listen to the waves pound against the shore.
Because no one else is around,
They tell me their secrets,
And speak to me stories of long journeys.
I listen for hours until I become tired,
It makes me sad to leave,
But I can only wish,
To come back tomorrow.

Here's to a new beginning.
Pasts don't matter
Become who you want to be
Leave it all behind
Go live your life
Go find happiness
But don't forget
Happiness doesn't come from success,
It comes from you.

They say there's stages of grief
But I don't remember-
Making it through those
When did looking at your picture-
Become unfamiliar?
Who is that man?
What is the sound of his voice?
How much did he love me?
What was he hiding?
I don't remember going through
The stages of grief.
But apparently,
It made me forget you

Maybe coping is overrated.

I'm not going to let this happen.
You will not ruin this day for me.

There are people out there that actually care,
And I don't care if you aren't one of them.
Not anymore.

I wish...
That I could find happiness
That someone will see me for who I am
That you will see what you've lost.
You've lost me.

It comes upon you slowly at first
You believe it can be handled,
Can be controlled.
But you are so terribly wrong.
You are so weak,
You have no power of its control on you.
No power when
It quickly eats away your soul.
And changes you.

It's not the voices in the dark-
That scare me,
It's the voices inside my head-
That terrify me.
The shadows that prey upon
The walls of my home-
Are nothing compared to
The shadows that live among
The deepest recesses of my soul.
So no-
I'm not afraid of a haunted house,
Or a ghost.
I'm afraid of myself.
**And you should be too.

Have a little faith
A little bit of strength
And before I know it-
I might be able to escape.

The faith doesn't come easy
And the weakness fights against me
But I rage against my shackles
And suddenly, I am free.

A simple book I have chosen
My world has changed
Summer becomes winter-
I become someone else,
I live a new life.

This is my safe haven
This new world.
I stay for as long as I can-
Before returning to reality.
But I do not wish to return.

My book is now over.
What am I to do?
Reality does not call my name.
Perhaps I do not belong in reality.
Perhaps I need a new story.

I guess I will never understand
Why it was so hard for me
To say hello to you.
The hello that would allow us
To open doors,
To figure each other out.
But now,
It is so easy
To say goodbye.
To close those doors,
To never want to see you again.
I guess I will never understand.

It was always kind of sad.
She had a traveling spirit
Dreaming of adventure
Of far away lands
All the memories
She wished to make
But she could never leave
Maybe one day,
She kept telling herself
But that one day kept getting further away
There were too many distractions
Too many things strapped to her back
Making her body too weighed down
To let even her heart wander

I've lost that sense of feeling-
Of home.
Was told it was never a place,
But the people.
But something inside me brings me back
To the place that brought me pain and suffering
And it's almost funny
Because under all that pain,
I know I was happy for part of it.
I must leave this place behind for me to move on
It has almost become foreign to me
But I still feel the war when I stay inside
Darkness vs. Light
At least I knew then who I was fighting

Without a home,
What or who am I fighting now?

I used to believe
A heart broke quickly.
A strayed lover,
A punch to the gut,
A truth revealed-

But it is not like that really.

A heart breaks slowly.
It bruises and strains
With each added hurt
With every small fight.
Little fractures begin to form
With every feeling of being unwanted
And every time he makes you cry.
Pieces begin to fall away
When he stops coming home
And starts sleeping on the couch.
The pieces get larger
When he stops touching you
And his actions no longer match his words.

When he breaks his promise
Of forever with you-
You realize you feel an emptiness inside.
A heart broken gradually
Until nothing is left behind.
Your only hope-
Is that maybe a small piece still remains
That you can rebuild from.

And you vow-
To protect it better next time.

I am disappearing.
The bingeing of alcohol and food-
The disorders and the late nights.
They are devouring who I am.

How to cope
With this devastating revelation-
When everything I want to do
Will eventually **** me?

I cannot tell if
I am being brave
Or if I'm a coward
By choosing to stay.

How long before
Even the strongest soldier falls
In this war-
How long?

I am an addict
I smoke, I drink, I gorge on food
The things the doctors tell you not to do
I like when my mind floats in nothingness
I am finally myself

How much more
How much more-
Does it take
For me to feel something
In this nothing

I am weak,
But I am strong.

I am silent,
But I can scream loud.

I am shattered
But I can rebuild

I am beaten
But I can fight back.

I am many things,
But don't underestimate me.

I decided to stop running
It was getting me no where
I'd run
And run
And I'd run some more.
All my strength went into this running
I felt that I'd eventually get to a place
Where I wouldn't have to run anymore.
It was so close
Just over that cliff.
I'd run
And run
And I'd run some more.
But I'd just keep falling.
No matter how much I ran,
How much time I put into it
I was in a constant state of free fall
I could never understand why.
Falling over and over again.
I ended up with bruises.
Not just physical
But emotional as well.
I just wouldn't stop
My happy ending was just over that cliff.
I'd run
And run
And I'd run some more
Until I was so broken that I just couldn't anymore.

I looked up to the sky
And realized
I had been trying to run up a mountain.
I have been beaten down
Broken
Only because I believed I could rush my happy ending
I tried to run up a steep mountain
And because of that I believed
That I would never achieve true happiness
I would never get over the cliff.
It is time I look at this mountain differently
Take a more meticulous approach.
Perhaps it's time I learn to climb
Slowly, but surely
I will hopefully make it to the top.
So I suppose now it is time
I'll climb
And climb
And I'll climb some more.
Because sometimes it takes a different approach
To achieve everything you've always dreamed of.

I didn't know who I was
Until I was gone.
Wasted.
Intoxicated.
High.
That's when I found myself.
Outside of the realm of worries.
I sat there,
And I contemplated
And I realized,
I was happy
Even through all the sadness.

How do you know when the journey is over?
When to say goodbye,
When to move on?
The complicated emotions I feel
Do not give me a clear answer.
Perhaps-
The journey doesn't have to end?
If only.
If only.

I lost a part of myself
A long time ago.
But one day,
I woke up
During the middle of spring
And I saw the sun for the first time in a while.
I stopped comparing my tears to the rain.
Instead of the voices inside my head,
All I could hear were the sounds of nature.
I laughed until it no longer sounded foreign.
I did all of these things
Because something inside clicked.
I was happy.

I lost a part of myself
A long time ago.
But,
I think I found it.

I made it
I lost loves
But I made it
I lost my friends
But I made it
I lost my old life
But I made it
I lost my social abilities
But I made it
How does one make friends
When they make it
To college?