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375 · Jun 2018
things we call love
cleann98 Jun 2018
dense conversations after 3am      
   waking up at 9 to continue the same dialogue
                small talks
           useless talks
  smiling at the littlest things
        and laughing at the silliest jokes
                     hugs and kisses
    secretly holding hands
               hotels and lodges
                               fancy restaurants
                    cinema backseats
                            a 4-cheese whopper
               disneyland            
that silly bucketlist that never gets filled----
                            regrets
           achievements       happiness
     nostalgia            melancholy  
        missing each other only a few days apart
                missing one over the other...
     condescension         pride and humility
                    misunderstanding
             sadness        tears    
                           blurring vision
                 slowly turning anger
                       quickly turning hate
          pretty soon turning against each other
first apologies...second apologies...third apologies...fourth apologies...fifth...sixth...
                     et cetera
            and forgivess covered by more hate----
      and absolution...    
                                    for only minutes...
                  before pain.
         and pain               and pain
               and pain      and pain         and pain
   and pain      
              et cetera
                        tears
                    sobs
­                      weeps
               goodbye.
371 · Apr 2018
Faces
cleann98 Apr 2018
There are 7.6 billion people
Scattered around the world---

        but there are twice
        as many faces...

   some are smiling    
   some are smug    
        some have their feelings
        totally swept under a rug
   some are breaking
   and some in derision
        and some still waiting
        for their salvation

Some will run
And some shall walk
    But in the billion people
  All they really do is talk----

There are a trillion faces
Infesting over the globe

       but only half of them
       are truly people.
There is approximately 627, 900, 000, 000kg of people and approximately 8, 300, 000, 000, 000kg of plastic currently around the globe. Essentially there are 13 times as much plastic mass in the world than legitemate people.
370 · Apr 2019
galatea.
cleann98 Apr 2019
whenever i find myself
placing you in words

so simple
so short
so few

in the only way i know possible,
i'm just drawing
the closest i can to you.

and each single time
i paint your image

in every tint
in every shade
in every hue

in the best way i know,
i'm just showing myself
how forever i'll be with you.
i'll turn you into artwork
with even myself a canvass

each single concept
each single stroke
each single line

if it is the only way
i truly can call you mine.
...

so this dude pygmalion couldn't find his true love anywhere and he ended up sculpting his dream girl as an ivory statue naming her galatea.


long story short, since he can't have is love any way else, he wound up making her by himself.

sound familiar?



~~R E Q U E S T E D   B Y   my very cute cousin melinoe~~


anyway thank you for reading!!! please request poems or mythologies and stuff like that for me to do i really enjoyed this one :3
348 · Aug 2018
level ground.
cleann98 Aug 2018
now i can sleep
much much better
knowing that
those red lips
he refused to kiss
were the same lips
that told me
to '*******.'
sometimes i can't even tell stupid positivity from sourgraping apart, maybe i'm just bitter lol
346 · Apr 2018
love me.i.
cleann98 Apr 2018
----flashes----
           explicit beauty...
                expressive beauty...
                    destructive beauty...
   you still look so angsty
       staring into my eyes
               sating my thirst
             hearing my cries
                                ----listen----
cold hand of abuse
         hand of love
         hand of loathing
         hand of passion
                  so many words
                  to  call them
                  but they are my hands
                  guided by yours----
                           creeping down
                           worn out pants...
                              ----flashes----
          ­   your eyes
             your lips
             your chest
             your...
                your...
                  your...
      i­t was never just
      your body that I liked
                      your hands...
              up---down---up---down
                    ­    way you graze me
                    softly, slowly, gently.
                            ----listen----
           everything moves in flashes
                just like before---
                          how you bite your lips
                          how i catch my breath
                   how you lean in forward to whisper
              ----love me
              ----love me
                                 ----love me
                                 ----love me
                                 slowly getting
                                 louder...
                                 stronger...
                                 wilder...
                      just like the old times----
              ----love me----
        the way i think of other things...
        just to slow down the time
        then i try my saddest to stop it...
             because i just know it's the end
                                              if i do it now.
                            ----flashes----
                ­     this is where i belong
                              inside you
                             ----listen----  
                   this is where you belong
                              in my eyes
                            ----flashes----
                ­                      .
                                      .
 ­                                     ?
                          ­            !
                                      !
           ­                                                               it­ feels
                                                           ­                damp
                                       your face tells me victory
           but your cries tell me you're in shambles
           Could have noticed it before----
                            ----listen----
           ­     now it feels more like moans of defeat
                                                        mo­re than of joy
                     so this is how you felt like?
           my hand covered
           in what you slathered yourself in
                              night
                          ­    after
                              night
                   ­           after
                              night
            ­                            disgusting.
                i'm not catching my breath
                after an extreme ride in disneyland
                          it's more like taking a breather
                          after foolishly running away
        as i look the empty space
        beside my bed
        the photograph of you
        half drenched in my sweat
                 it's not passion
                                            it's just dread----
             and shame
             and pain
             and longing
             and regret
         as i walk you down the isle
         to the drawer where you belong---
the flashes would end
for the night
                       until the next
       and your ghost
       again whispers
       closely beside me
                  listen---
----love me.
     ----love me.
          ----love me.
               ----love me.
                    ----love me.
                         ----love me.
                              ----love me.
                                   ----love me.
                                        ----love me.
                                             ----love me.
                                                  ----love me.
                                                       ----love me.
                                                            -­---love me.
                                                             ­    ----love me..
challenge: explicitly sensual by imai; title taken from imai
342 · Apr 2018
The Man With a Flower
cleann98 Apr 2018
With you,
Lied all my happiness,
With you,
All that made me gay.

With you,
Goes away all my sadness,
At night,
Your smiles make my day.

Now without you,
I’m just a man with a flower,
Empty in a blank kind of way—

Because whenever I’m with you,
I’m more than half a man.

And more than half is missing,
Now that you’ve up and gone…

And as they mark this tattoo on my hand,
     my flower,
     pitch black,
     in mourning for you—
All I can do is shove all my tears inside…

Remembering that half of me,
Cost the death of you…

     —this is just the ‘smart thing’
     that men always tend to do—
An ode to the people of the rainbow, donning a different color has never been wrong
cleann98 Feb 2019
wrap your warm
           benevolent
    loving
           and caring arms
  all around me
                and whisper to my ears
                that you've always heard
                all my prayers and pleas
                     renew your covenant
          right now
     that you'll forever
                                 be with me
for i've forever been faithful to you
        then help me
               tell the whole world
            that you've
      since been the one
              i have
                 always
                     believed
                         you are.
                   let me show them
           that you are not
                                       the mess
                              of ***
                                   christened
                                                     in crack
                                                and pina colada
                                  that they now
                          think you are
                               let me make them see
          that you are not
          just a sad sack
          of fairy tales
          white washed
          painted pretty
          to hide your scars.
                  let me
                             let them
                                           understand
                             that under the husk
                             of that hopeless mirth
                             of the man they see
                             when they see you today
        lies the man
                                          that i see
                whenever
i close my eyes.
use me to open their's
use me to have them know
that you exist.
please.
                         i know you are
            out there
                        somewhere.
the man that i
              used to know.
                          i believe
                      you haven't forgotten...
                          i believe
           you haven't changed.
                                  my heart burns
                 to be the sacrifice
                                         that invites forth
                                                       your presence.
                                i long for you
                                            to make known
                           your being
                           once again.
           fashion your altar
                     from the tongue in my mouth
      i shall never cease
                              to sing of memoirs
                   for you.
                              use my bones
                make them the foundation
                                       upon which
                           you grace with your miracles
                                  and with all
                     the living skin
                               of my flesh
                            carve your memory
                                        of which no one
                                        will ever forget.
just a little thing. so have you ever had this one "friend" who always gets misunderstood by everyone else and starts losing themselves because of it? yah i guess you guys kinda get my point.

read this however way you like it but trust me i reallt don't have such creepy thoughts in my head lol (i think) please tell me in the comments what you thought i actually mean by this before you read the notes tho :3 just to enjoy how creative you guys can get with this hehe

THANKS FOR READING <3 still not sponsored but like still plugging Lang Leav "Love Looks Pretty on You" :)
cleann98 Jan 2019
hey...
     sorry i'm replying late
  well, maybe it isn't too late yet?
but at whatever time you may read this
               i'm just certain
                    that it is not a good time.
but i'll say it anyway:
       always drink in moderation--
                   i know you like to act
like you can take it
                                but honestly,
        you say the stupidest things drunk.
especially when you're alone.
    i just doubt you'll be able
            to find a couch like mine
that you can just crash on
                     whenever you were wasted.
         not wherever you'll be going anyway..
also,
        i know we like
    joked about this a lot
                    a little too much maybe?
           but if ever you think about
trying it,
         you know i've been there too
               we both know how much
of a pain this has been
                but please
put out the cigarettes
before you throw them
                  in the trash
              and just one stick a week
okay?
         well maybe not that strict...
                 look,
      it will be hard to keep living
             in an innocent and pure life
well, without me of course--
                      i've been such a good
          role model for you after all.
                  but remember your promise:
     never ever get a tattoo
                   not even if its something
awesome
             or maybe a meme
     or even if it is in memory of me,
                        you're way cooler than
  any ink that would scar your body for life
           also,
                   no matter how rebellious
you think you could be
        don't do drugs.
                never.
                          got that?
     don't think about even sowing
the same seeds i'm now reaping.
           i guess i got someone like you?
           so maybe it is worth it...
but being left behind makes it
                 maybe even more painful
than is should be.
                              and hey,
lastly...
                i know we made
     all those
                               vows:
i'll never love anyone else...
                      not the way i did with you.
           and i'll always be here for you
and that i'll never ever send you away.
                    but look
      i broke the pact already didn't i?
                                   so please,
fall in love.
                           and if ever
    you get in a fight
                     or any other chance
                           to prove to this lucky guy
how much you love him...
              do it.
                             and ps.
     never let him see you wasting away
          please.
                      lie if you have to hide
all the bottles of gin
                and febreze all over
           the smoke perfume swirling around you
                                  just never
       let him see you break.
                       thank you.
good bye.
this has a moral lesson. don't do drugs.
340 · Apr 2018
Dianthine
cleann98 Apr 2018
i don't know
    where to start...
          mom said
        the words
            would just flow
      she didn't tell me
         that tears would flow
    in their stead.
        clears throat
             i didn't know dad
       more than
          the bottles
             he always kept
       bringing home.
          mom said he was
          always like them
          always shattered
          always empty
          always cold.
             she said
      if i ever get too much,
          i will burn----
        i never got
        to ask if it was
        dad or beer
        she was talking about...
            snicker
     so earlier
         i was looking
       at dad's stuff
             for something to say.
           there was this
                drawer i've never
       even dared to look into
                til yesterday.
           clears throat
       and i found this letter.
               you see
          at first i thought
      this house was too big
             for just one child----
         now i get it.
                hush
            'to my future daughter:'
        clears throat
              'dianthine'
         'before i say'
            'anything else'
              'do you like your name?'
         'we named you after diana'
            'not the roman goddess,'
       'your mother.'
                'we didn't even fight'
           'to find that name'
       'it was perfect.'
          'like you were going to be.'
               'i'm simply sorry.'
      'you had so much'
         'waiting for you.'
            'you were going to be a lawyer'
     'and criminal prosecutor even.'
         'sorry.'
               'you should know'
       'it's my fault.'
             'simply my fault.'
           'but'
              'i'
             'did'
            'not'
           'mean'
         'for'
           'it'
             'to'
         'happen.'
             'but your mother's gone.'
            'your supposed to be mom'
          clears throat
                     'your only mom.'
         'i have to let you know'
               'that i was the one who quit.'
i figured it out immediately
mom's name was diana but,
mom would quit on dad
before he'd ever quit on her...
             let me continue
        ruffles paper
           'i love diana'
       'i need to just outright say it'
                'since i know'
                'that you would'
                'never get to'
                'meet her----'
         'she is perfect,'
      'she was...'
'it's like mercy though, even if you don't;'
'at least you won't get to be raised by some'
           'old'
           '****'
           'like'
           'the'
           'stupid'
           'me.'
     'yes...'
               yes.
'i'm sorry for sourgraping.'
'sorry for not doing anything better.'
        'honestly she'd be the excellent parent'
        'all i'd probably do is talk-----'
        'or keep you from taking up alcohol'
        'or something---- i don't know'
'i'm sorry.'
'i'm sorry.'
             clears throat
                           'i'm sorry'
                           'i'm sorry'
              tightens paper
       'i don't know what else to say, dianthine.'
'i never told diana this, but...'
           'i was really hoping to meet you'
     'but i promise you this.'
                'if it is not diana'
         'if it's not someone'
      'as perfectly fantastic'
   'as your supposed to be mother----'
              'and if its not you.'
         sobs
           'if it's not as brilliant'
       'or dashing'
              sobs
                'as we hoped you'd be...'
             'then there's no point.'
        'i'm sorry.'
   'i'm sorry.'
               whimpers
            sorry
      clears throat
              dad gave me a ghost
    not his...
          i've always thought
       danthein was too weird
             for a guy's name
     i guess i was just that ghost
that haunted my dad...
i'm sorry
       sobs
  folds paper
            sorry dad, but i have to say
       you may have failed
           in everything that makes
              a good parent----
you succeeded
in one thing,
it might have
been a simple thing
        but you got it right:
               you were a father.
a story of a child giving eulogy for his lost father---- fueled by the theme from the movie, Schindler's List as played by 2Cellos
339 · Apr 2018
Saline Lips
cleann98 Apr 2018
Bloodshot fractures
   underneath her skin,
Cracking from inside
   breaking her within—

A thousand hairlines
     tearing her apart,
   draining away all her promises…

—unheard, unfelt, unseen—

Much like the beatings of her heart.

They were saline lips,
The lips I’ve been kissing,
Drier than the driest lips,
   stealing all my love…

     —all the long stemmed roses
    Even her warmth, missing…

   So different,
      From our start.

Then, they used to sparkle,
Then, they used to shine
     her lovely velvet lips
   painting crimson mine.

I used to adore that smile,
I used to love that laughter,
     Redder than blood—

   —No hue was ever better.
Until I saw that color,
     on the lips of another man—

And now she lays,
   kissing my shoes on the floor…

And as I lean toward her face—

        —finally,

   her lips are blood red once more.
338 · Jun 2018
Epilogue..y
cleann98 Jun 2018
Embrace me oh love
For I know not the feeling
Of warmth
                  nor arms on my back
      Just hold me my love
               for long have i
               lost the mem'ry of
   painlessness
   senselessness
          carelessness
                                relentless...
       eyes on me my love
            rest them on mine
                  that i might see care
    and oh that you might kiss me
           for so have i longed
           the sweet greet
           of grazing lips
                     so fondly
                     found only
               in minstrels sung----
      that of a swan's song.
             so if your love is
             as your tongue doth say
  so must your love be
          and shown in love's ancient way...
       demand the world to stop
       as you summon the stars
                  and let them mingle
                  in the same sky as the sun's
              oh love that you'd show me love
          that i've heard and neved seen once.
   and leave me alone then love...
      since i know not of what happens
          afterward.
concept by &yarry------- forget love
330 · Apr 2018
Blanche
cleann98 Apr 2018
Have you ever felt
Like you've gone too far to stop?
What if you're falling?

When you fall deeply
Quickly descending so bleak
Would you climb back up?

Have you ever tried
Climbing atop a mountain
And then miss the ground?

When you are falling
It's not the fall that kills you
It's the sudden stop.
Blanche is the man protagonist of the play A Streetcar Named Desire and a woman who lived in her delusions of reality. She continued to fall deeper into her dreams until a taste of reality made her snap to insanity in the end--- It was her fantasies that kept her sane.

Blanche is also close to the Blanca or Blancé meaning white or pure, basically empty.
326 · Apr 2018
Suture
cleann98 Apr 2018
She held me in place
And did all to mend my wounds
She did all---- but stay.
Okay, suture is basically not a normal human name lol, it is the surgical thread used in stitching together skin. Most variations of suture are designed to be naturally shed or washed off the skin in time---- pls don't let that be someone who binds up your wounds man :)
319 · May 2019
heavy handed haters unite!
cleann98 May 2019
divided we stand
then unity shall fall

in uprising
we topple
the greatest of all

we know
what you know
except we shout
them out loud

we see
what you see
except we never
cast them doubt

closed fist
foot planted
firm on the ground

we know no noise
until our voices abound
how do you shake it off?

it really isn't so weird how misinformation and revolution go together right?

tis like reliving the death of julius caesar if no one blindly assumed he'd grow to be a tyrant king, or like picturing the death of socrates if no one in the entire democratic government of athens thought an old man who only knows he knows nothing is out to get them.

go crazy. i never meant to say revolution is wrong.
idk maybe misinformation is???
***
heavy handed haters unite sounds like a college band name haha feel free to use it if ever :3
***
thank you for reading!!!
***
ps. sure the earth is flat and all the government units in the world is hiding it for reasons. also nasa faked the moon landing and they still deny it for reasons. also global warming isn't true, just more and more people are dying from stroke globally each year for reasons.

thank you.
313 · Apr 2018
Colors
cleann98 Apr 2018
The colors combine,
When I'm with you.
I see red,
In love...
I see green,
In life...
And every morning,
A sea of blue---

Cause when I
Close my eyes:
I see a rainbow...

In disguise---

And as they open:
Red,
Like blood.
Green,
Like disgust.

And a world...
Far and wide---
But empty---
---without you.
308 · May 2018
Glass Cannon
cleann98 May 2018
i was young...
      well, younger than now----
   it was when it first struck me
it struck me hard.
          it struck me like reality...
       but more like
         reality when reality comes
    in the face of your
             family
        all in chains...
     then, reality looks like dreams altogether;
            no not fantasy----
              not exactly a nightmare either
                         more like
                  ----ecstasy-----
      "you are a special weapon"
           "something of great potential"
        "and massive power"
              "but you only have one shot"
          mom always used to say.
                   i even once thought
                       she stashed some kind of
           deathray or sting ray or something
           in my arm----
    ----it won't be the first thing
                 she stuffed in me anyway...
              i was eight years old when she
                     finally continued the sentence.
           before total silence.
                  "make it count."
       "cause whether you hit"
         "or even if you miss..."
           "you would be broken"
            "shattered-----"
            "torn to pieces-----"
            "torn apart."
                                 "so please"
                               "don't"
                        "break"
                         ­   "yourself"
                                "shooting"
        ­                            "for"
                      "nothing.­"
                  she never taught me
                  how to use
                  the weapon
                  myself-----
       she just fragmented
           in tears before splintering
                  tearing to shards herself
         it took me til 15
               that i was afraid
                      to yet touch
     even stare
               even think
        nothing.
                  i never knew
           what i was capable of
                      i never knew how
              to control
       to even activate
                 all i knew was that
i was powerful
i don't know what of
but i have to save it
           keep it         live it      nurture it
       store it               amass it                  seep it
             savor it                understand it
    study it            feel it
             polish it                         train it                      
              let it breathe
   let it sing
               i could hear it sing
    i could feel it whisper-----
          and i was so afraid...
                    all i saw of my mother was
      that she was in pieces
             long before i knew her.
                 shambles
                 and
                 shackles
         and i don't want to be that when i fire----
it wasn't supposed to strike me
      but it did, and it struck me hard
   reality
           i was 16 when i
       first made the discovery
                 ----love-----
          all at once
                and much, much too completely----       all off guard.
         it was like
                    you suddenly turned
                a blinding light
      on something that had always been
                 half a shadow
        that's how it struck me...
            that's how it shattered me...
    it's like a full flashback
           of my mother saying
      'i told you so'
                  except she never did.
               and it struck me.
      like i hit the right target at the wrong time
      or the opposite of it
          but truth is
             i just hit
      a poltergeist
           way too soon
                 and it wasn't like
        it was the wind that was hit----
    that's how it struck me,
              love
          and that's how it tore me apart.
                 ----fragmented----
and it did not take me long
to realise what glass cannons we were...
          all my life
      i never tried to
         activate my strength
and when i did
              it imploded.
                               it was a long time...
and i was blinded----
         it wasn't the hit
             nor was it the miss
that tore me apart
                        it was love that broke me
     because shattered pieces
                    are not
                all that bad
                            splinters...
                   shards...
                       fragments...
                                    blades...
      ­       one shot was all it took
        to break my heart
                    and so suddenly...
                    every part of me...
                              was a weapon
                         everyone who held me
                                 hurt
                                 bled
                              cried
                        ­    pained
                        burned
                    wai­led
               enraged
      agonized
                   they turned to anger
          then turned to hate
                            they turned to each other
                                 pretty soon turning to waste
          it was then that it struck me
               what a glass cannon is----
and it was until now that i was eluded...
                        for that long a time
       i thought shards were
       all love could offer...
       fragments were
       all romance could be
                     i met
            your father
            your father
            your father
            your father
    and your father
    all through different shards
                      until i saw what i had
                 all in shambles
                 and
                 all in shackles
     just like my mother
             that's when it struck me
        ---ecstasy---
                       cause looking into your eyes
              my children
                     i love you
         as a whole
                  not like with your fathers
            or like with the guys before them
        or like the guys before the other guys
                         i wanted more than ever
                    to love you
                more than
                      a few shards
                  all tainted
              with blood
          or with anger
                  or with both----
                  that's when it hit me
           and it hit me with so much pain...
           what my mother really should have said.
being a glass cannon
     doesn't mean being
          a weapon to hurt others-----
                    it means one day,
              no one knows when,
       but it will surely come
          like a thief in the night...
                 love
  and you will give your all
  even if it shatters you to pieces
               and even if you are already in pieces
       because you know love
       can make you again whole.
Inspired by one of the most famous lines spoken by the protagonist Blanche in the play A Streetcar Named Desire---- the line shown in bold and italics----
Title by Marianne
293 · Jun 2018
oasis
cleann98 Jun 2018
most people
call love
a patch
of water
in the desert
that they
cannot thrive
without

yet for me

you are
a little bit
of fresh water
below
the
ocean surface
that even if
water is all around me
you are still
the only drop
i'd rather
live off

i can
survive
anywhere
but
i can never
live
without you
lav lol hi
292 · Feb 2019
kintsugi.
cleann98 Feb 2019
whenever i feel sad
i try my best
to remind myself
that once stars have
torn themselves apart
in order to make me whole...

so i've been loved by the heavens
way before i was forgotten by you.
or maybe i've always been in pieces
even before i met you...

happy valentines???
also if you don't know what kintsugi means, search it up :> you're welcome :3
290 · Jun 2018
let me laugh..d
cleann98 Jun 2018
i'm sorry
if i was
never able
to tell you
'fix yourself'
before
you totally
blocked me out
(or blocked me away?)
i was too busy
fixing the things
you broke----
like your own trust
oh
and i did trust you too
fyi
just saying
and our
well
"relationship"
if you could still
call it that
which by the way
you said
'ayokong mawala ka kuya'
that will lose it's value
if i translate it to english
because for some
unknown(lol) reason
i still treaure those
words
(broken promises are just words right?)

and umm right now
i'm sorry if
i couldn't reply
so quickly
that you're asking
for help----
i'm too busy writing this
which by the way
you should really read
when i publish it
probably when i've moved on
and umm
i can laugh about it already
but really, at the moment
all i can think about
is how
i wasn't even able
to tell you
'fix yourself'
before you broke me completely
because i was too busy
hurting
by myself
and apparently hurting in your behalf
since apparently you're 'too cool' to cry for me.
don't worry, after i write this
i'll probably
not say those two words again...
and i'll probably
fall head over heels for you again...
bah if i ever let you read this
that means i've either succeeded or quit?
but for now
i will try to fix you
fill in the blanks
umm septemer 2017---- finally got to publish this
please laugh
just laugh
laugh!

and umm btw, to avoid any sequels nope i quit mkay? done, g'night.
290 · Apr 2018
Adeana
cleann98 Apr 2018
Satan, I'm knocking
She already said goodbye
So please let me in.
Adeana is a name that means small and fragile.
*Every Haiku I make is entitled for a name with a nice meaning*
285 · Oct 2018
sheltered
cleann98 Oct 2018
she grabs me by my arms and pulls me close, much like she always does every single time it pours.

"you're standing under the rain again."

i could almost whisper alongside her. it's not like she says anything different anyway. always that same sentence. said under that same overcast sky. with that same calm concerned smile.

she never fails to make me feel more tepid inside.

"it is okay as long as i'm with you."
"not like we have a roof to stand under anyway".

she answers herself nearly synchronized with me. she knows exactly what i was to say.

"you can stay safe and dry in my arms instead."

i know she says those words every day but i never tire of listening to them. she has always been my fortress. i love her.

and i can barely understand why, but she always says that i am far too cold as she hugs me; to be honest all i feel is warmth. it puzzles me still—

whenever i close my eyes and say that this is the warmest i've ever been all she does is shake me as the rain grows ever so stronger.

her face just turns pale as if she's seeing a ghost in my place. i wonder what's wrong.

"can you hear me?"
"wake up!"
"hey open your eyes!"

"why are you screaming, mother."

all i can do is ask as calmly as i ever could.

"you're bothering the neighbors. i'm awake. i'm here."

i continue to speak out but maybe the rain is muffling out my voice? i don't know.

she looks cynical. much like the opposite of her cool and patient demeanor she always sports.

"no! not you too!"
"please stay!"

"i'm here mother, what's wrong!"

i try my best to shout watching her weep and sob incessantly calling out my name.

i hate it. she does this everyday. she doesn't ever stop. i hate it. i hate it. how can i make her stop?

"please."

i once again shout out but maybe the subsiding rain blocks that away from her ears like they did yesterday and the day before.

i hate to see mom like this. it isn't funny. i'm here! i'm not going away like dad and my big sister!

i'm always here.

"please don't go away."

she whispers once again holding me tighter. much much tighter than she ever did.

her arms almost passing right through me.

"mom, i can't breathe."
"are you alright?"

waterfalls of her tears wet my hair and fall straight to my heart. i can feel them. so so so warm.

it was almost dead silent if the rain hadn't  been taking away the words from my mouth.

"i'm sorry mom."
"i'll always be here for you"
"i love—"

"*******. you good for nothing, leaving me alone."

she whispers almost as soon as the tears subside. smiling. again. unsettlingly.

"mom?"

i don't know. i don't understand. i don't believe it.

"go on. go ahead. you want to leave? leave. leave me alone. that's what you always wanted to do didn't you? don't let me hold you back. go on. go away. go away like everyone else does."

she doesn't even wait for me to collect the proper words to reply. i've been trying to do so for weeks, months of this same dialogue in repeat. ever since she took me from that freaky hospital bed.

she stood up and walked past me. more like she walked through me. like i was a poltergeist.

doesn't she know that my soul is already anchored in her? i won't ever leave. she keeps me for ever safe.

i can't bare to watch her walk away. that is something i'll never ever do. i know she'll be back in a few minutes anyway.

mom will never let get sick in the rain after all...

so suddenly, she grabs me by the arms and pulls me close, much like she always does every single time it pours.

"you're standing under the rain again."

she says with a ridiculous smile.
for those wondering, this is not my standard format. this is not a poem. this is a fortress mother and child built. it will last. nothing can stand stronger than a house built from nothing.

nothing left to be touched.
nothing left to be stolen.
nothing left to be hurt.
nothing left to be destroyed.
nothing.
cleann98 Oct 2018
it was all my fault
          you were drenched in crimson
you just laid there
motionless
not a single
strand of your
snow white hair
left unpainted
with red—
     so still
  so pitiful
            so unnerving
so remorseful
         so convenient
                and so **** sad
      that you're still bleeding.
             clutching to
                  what's left
of your poor
          masochistic breath
                         as if
                 you're too sure
     that this time
              i'll hear you out...
   why won't you be?
          i was so sure
                  you'd be shouting it out
       anyway.    
just
like
how
you
scream
             'go to hell'
    or
           'go **** yourself'
                         or
  'die now please'
                                            or
        'you look like a taxi in that suit'
              or
                      'i hate you'
         or
                                          'i love you'
                  you'd scream everything.
    always.
                  like when you said
         'i'll always be there for you'
   and
          'i hope you never come back'
                           when you were hurt
                 you'd shout curses
                      like a prayer
      when you were drunk
   you'd screech songs
             like a drifting car.
                   but right then
                                      you whispered.
         and you whispered so softly
   it was more unbelievable
              than the fact that
      i heard it more clealy
           more soundly
                                     than the time
                    you screamed
    'i'm done putting up with you.'
          "tell me a little lie"
                 "and tell me you'll never"
     "ever leave me this time."
              and you were so peaceful
   this one single exeptional time
          as you tried ever so
                    unsettlingly
              to catch your breath.
        i simply couldn't resist.
                  "i promise."
   "i'll never leave you."
                        "ever."
     "cross my heart and hope to die."
               but you never
          did listen did you?
it was all your fault
i'm drenched in crimson
some promises just can't be broken
280 · Jan 2020
oh the ways i missed you—
cleann98 Jan 2020
the crooked and
mishandled alleyways
of words to whisper
have always riddled
the backstreets of my mind...

i mapped them,
longer than enough
to see the ins and outs
i've known them,
more than enough...
like the palm of my hand
or the skin on my face.

it has always been
a palimpsest
of the maze i used to
be sealing myself in—
   or perhaps seeping myself out.

there were promises,
there were poems,
and of course,
there was you.

and every single word,
or every single way,
i have always been
tongue tied and
waiting and just so
so long overdue—

stuck in the prison
of a misfortunate fate...
knowing the means
and never escaping
somehow still lost

   afraid of ever stretching ways.

'hey, long time no see—'

'happy birthday! want to talk—'

'happy new year hope we still get together!'

    everything just comes out in clicks...

    'backspace'.
eyyyy i'm back omy thank you for reading!! just my regular lost and tongue-tied dude again... brand new year for brandished excuses and branded lies~~~

good day!! please comment and critique and stuff, you've read in this far anyway might as well c:
279 · Jun 2018
evanescence
cleann98 Jun 2018
you don't have
to hurt
yourself
any longer.

let's just
fade slowly
together
forever...
My Immortal by Evanescence anyone?
274 · Jun 2018
adore.c
cleann98 Jun 2018
then
you were
the wind

now
you are
a star

once
just a
fleeting
fading
grace

today
a burning
spectacle
i witness
from afar.
so do you guys know that most stars we see in the night sky are just their light which takes hundreds and thousands of years to reach earth, most of the stars we aporeciate today are dead
273 · Aug 2018
closer this way?
cleann98 Aug 2018
the more i long
to draw closer          
to you—        
the more i
have to                  
keep my distance
distance by christina perri pls :>HI!!
272 · Apr 2018
Rainfall
cleann98 Apr 2018
Winter was waiting
For a cry of hail
Instead all she heard
Was a hopeless wail

She screamed, she shouted
Yet to no avail
"Spring has fell", she said,
"This whole year shall fail"
She should have been as cold as ice.
Instead she simply melted----
Without snow, there's only rainfall, just cries.
There won't be any spring...
There won't be any sun to rise.
266 · Jun 2019
la soif et l'eau
cleann98 Jun 2019
fickle winds
spread across him
with all the strength
of a dying breath

it swallowed him
nearly toppled him

stole from him
whispers, sweet nothings
simply bereft.



it was lifeless a sigh
that was her battlecry
like the once flapped
wings of a butterfly

and so they flutter
and they so try

harken
a heart's sweet
sweet hound

the mutiny to cry.

once, had she
silenced him
and never again—

a whirlwind
a heartbeat
and a teardropped
inkstain...

finger painted
across his chest
lock and key
to way back when—

and a life that's stolen
killed a ghost just
about to begin
still. soulless. slain.

a wreck before
he even rode the train.


feeble breeze,
a warm air
reached his ear

like crashing waves
against a lowly boat

he knew the vastness of the ocean
that anywhere else he'd be in the clear
yet no matter how hard he'd try
away, he just couldn't steer—
water and thirst am i right? what it feels like fighting of your worst primal urge.
thank you for reading~~
264 · Apr 2018
Your Butterfly Dream
cleann98 Apr 2018
I am a figment of your imagination,
I am your living lie.

Listless little lucid nightmares,
Lost and loveless, I’m here to watch you cry.

Realise your butterfly dream,
Here we’re sinking deep...
Deeper,
Lower,
Forever diving slower…

All before we fall asleep.

Step one, cross your fingers,
Then close your eyes,

Feel the pain, it lingers,
And then it starts to rise.

But before you do,
Just make a wish,
Take a deep breath,
And we'll make it come true.

Tell me your darkest secret,
That's step two,
Show me your rage and your tempest,
So I can take a step closer to you,

Nearer and nearer,
Never farther,
Just laying low,
Another step taken slow,

Step three here we make it faster,
Flashing lights burning brighter,
Careless whispers from the radio,
Playing harder and louder,

It's blinding,
It's deafening,
But they don't matter.

This is your butterfly dream,
And it’s my worst nightmare,

When I’m right here fleeting,
I’m yours to shatter and tear.

I am your butterfly dream,
My chapped wings can’t break free,

And tonight your smile is all I see,
It’s my poison and your kiss is killing me.

Step four when you clench your fist,
Baby, just bite your wet lips,
Cause just as the night is nearly over,
Listen to what remains of my strength,

Your butterfly can barely even hover.

So step five start to cry,
Water my heart you’ve salted dry,
Prepare to say your worst goodbye,

It’s time to let go of your make believe lover.

Give freedom your crippled butterfly.

And just watch me up high,
Higher and higher,
Quickly going slower…
Up, up, up,
Stop.
And then I’ll see your tears just shower,
And I’d begin to go lower,
Up, up, up, stop.
Down…
Down, down, down,
And in your frown I’d drop.

I’m your loveless little lucid lie,
Your butterfly dream,
And I’m here to stay another night—

Until the next time I see you cry.
2017-November--- Requested by a close cousin
Title by Lonely Poet

Butterfly effect(A dramatisation on the Uncertainty Principle) -The wind created by a flap of a butterfly's wings can generate tornadoes at the other end of the world.
262 · Jun 2018
Paralysis
cleann98 Jun 2018
You are my ampersand..
ampersand (&)
symbol commonly is used to replace 'and' in a list of nouns... i guess that's all you need to understand this lol by the way, do two periods mean half an elipsis? does that mean half indefinite? slightly definite?
257 · Apr 2019
luciferin.
cleann98 Apr 2019
were you a bodiless ghost
i could ask of you to haunt me
be with me,
or even blame me.

yet you're now a barely beeping machine
i can only wish you're dreaming peacefully
hopefully—
painlessly...
there is this one folklore or myth that says fireflies cannot cry or weep tears, that's why they burn themselves instead as catharsis.

in reality though, the light they emit comes from luciferin, and instead of a fire is actually a cold reaction. sad though, they really aren't given the chance of purgation.

read this as you will.

but would you say it were coup de grace if a lonely little firefly were to die in the blaze of warmth and in their own volition

or do you think it were any better for her to carry on cold and without escape in a world where she can't cry or give up?
250 · Apr 2018
Lunatic
cleann98 Apr 2018
The moon asked him a question
In which the sun replied...

"Why are you staring at me?"
Said the moon.

"He's looking at me.
You just stole my light."

And sun took back her brightness
So he then tripped and fell
In the black of the night.

"Why can't you still look at me?"
Asked the Sun.
And he answered:

"You're just far too bright."
249 · Jul 2018
shackle of a thread.
cleann98 Jul 2018
How much effort
    did it take to
    push us unwillingly
    together
And yet none
    of that energy
    was ever given
To even teach us
    how to hold on
    willingly
    to each other
been inactive for quite a while and i think i've been getting rusty sorry :( hi!
cleann98 Oct 2018
this poem is just about a bakeshop.
no allegories
no symbolisms
no idioms
no metaphors.

mother kneads the dough.
she does it so well.
pounding the white clay
with such masterful effort
her hands do not tire.
neither tires her arms.
neither her thighs tremble.
neither her smile
it charms.

mother had been standing there
untiringly since dawn.
and yet she does not stop.

it has been raining incessantly
ever since she woke up
and yet she does not stop.

not even a single costumer appeared
not a single knock on the door
and yet she does not stop.

daughter asked her out already
daughter asked her to close the shop

daughter always says
and with a lot of sense
watching mother work
simply is not worth
the miniscule sells

yet still she does not stop.

daughter asks mother
far too much.
she asks why mother is always smiling
she asks why mother works hard as such
she asks why mother why it was always raining

daughter asks mother
why no one is waiting at the counter?
daughter then followed
where is brother and father?
and finally daughter asks
why no one, for their shop, would bother?

to which mother just replied
"let us simply pray for better weather"
don't try to find an analysis
you wom't gain anything from asking anything
this is
the most blatant poem
you will read ever
just look at the title.
241 · Jan 2019
getting over it
cleann98 Jan 2019
i've fallen down
the steepest
deepest
chasm
thinking i'd be
able to soar...

little did i know
i'd just be
falling lower
dropping faster
even more.

never knowing
which way was left
or right or up or down
completely unaware
of my way to recover

didn't know if i was
standing
or lying
or crawling
or praying
didn't have a clue
which is which
which is better.

that was all i felt
falling for you then...

and maybe i've
climbed up high enough
to fall for you again.
new year means newer braver heights to fall from...
they say it never really is the fall that gets to **** you
it's the moment you stop----

but don't you agree that falling is a crucial part of getting over it? :>
236 · Apr 2018
Rhetorically
cleann98 Apr 2018
I love you deeply,
   as a nameless wave in the sea;

I love you strongly,
   with so much more than I can ever be;

I love you sweetly,
   like a random song in the night;

I love you increasingly,
   Every time we kiss or we fight;

I love you blindly,
   in the dark you are all I see;

I love you steadily,
   no matter how many times you push me;

I love you brightly,
   like a shattered mirror to the sun;

I love you gladly,
   though you were never really having fun;

I love you tirelessly,
   even if I run with all my might;

I love you truly,
   even though I was 'never really right';

I love you sincerely,
   amidst every single time you lie;

I love you endlessly,
   even these many years after goodbye;

I love you rhetorically,
   like no words could ever express;

I love you foolishly,
   and always I will love you nonetheless.
I love you baby,
And if it's quite alright;

I need you baby;
To warm my lonely night.
235 · Apr 2018
Phantasia..c
cleann98 Apr 2018
In a world full
    of wishes...
Where promises,
are a currency,
     And prayers,
   worth gold:

You would be,
   my everything, yet---

---I would be:
   the richest man
      in the whole **** world...

and for you
I'd still be waiting...
234 · Apr 2018
Half Closed
cleann98 Apr 2018
For all your
hits and misses
I'm what's left
of half a part

you were there
with plastic hearts
and candy kisses.
You almost made my heart---

And you stopped...
just at the right moment:
we barely moved from
the very start.
It's never either half opened or half closed. What you can't get through, no matter how large the gap, it's still closed.
233 · Apr 2018
Unsilent Night..e
cleann98 Apr 2018
A holy night----

All the world's
Fallen unbright

      If this really is heaven
      When did you learn
      How to bite?

Amid the weeping
And the gnashing
The clashing of teeth----

A flickering faltering light

Fall to me...
      Fall in delight.

Let your mind say no
I can hear your body fight

         Every thump a thump
         First a whisper-----
         Next a scream-----
         Then a wail-----
               a blight...
    
  Accompanying teardrops
          Slowly falling
       Sobs. Sobs. Sobs.
          Blurring sight.

    This is our last chance
    Before you close your eyes
         and fall for ever asleep-----

        Good night.
---concept by erza*
Try to read between the between the between the lines, even I don't know what you would find :) That's the beauty of sleep, you don't know what you'd see yet you always have to close your eyes...
233 · Apr 2018
Inevitable
cleann98 Apr 2018
Ice creams melting.
Day dreamers before they wake.

Do you know what it feels like,
To have loved,
And lost,
And to know,
Not your mistake?

Feels like
Fresh apples growing
Knowing not the scent
Of their rot.

Or like
That strange sad feeling
Of perfection, not a looming blemish
Not a tiny little speck
Not even a single spot.

It goes without saying
That the Sun will rise
And the Sun soon shall fall.
But the Sun's always there
To forever watch us all.

Yet, just, I can't help but feel,
Inevitable---

Since ice creams,
No matter how delicious
Will sooner or later melt
If we take too long to savor.

And daydreamers,
No matter what they seek
Must always have their wake
Without resolving their endeavor.

Do you know what it's like
To fight the undefeatable?

For is it truly better
To have loved
Then lost,
Than to accept the inevitable?
Breaking the lines of Alfred Lord Tenneyson--- Is it really better to have loved then lost than to never love at all?
231 · Oct 2018
i exist for you
cleann98 Oct 2018
it was dreadful
terrible.
     almost exhilarating even.
                  you look so downtrodden
   wet.
         offshore.
                   pitiful.
                             how does it feel
to be so far pressed face down?
               teardrops dragging down your
     hair pulling down
            your head.
                             when did you get
        so drenched?
                   so stupid
enough
                to cry for him?
    seeing that
              it is the only thing
  you seem useful for
                                   for him.
           if you want to be his toy—
                         sorry.
you're already a broken one.
                                        soaked in
                beer
and
            tequila
       and
                     ***
                                  and
               diet coke
                         and
                                        puke
        for perfume
                    and yet you smell
more like
                               instant noodles
             and glass shards
on your wrist
                          with your back
       on the same wall as yesterday
       the same wall as the day before that
       the same wall as the day even before
       the same wall that watched you cry
earlier today
             yesterday
                        last week
                               the week before that
       and the day he left you
                 this time
and that one time last month
          and that time during valentines
               and another just after new year's.
i bet even the wall is so ****
      sick of
                  watching you cry for him.
   but i never will.
             'i'm sorry but'
                        'i will always be'
       'here for you'
                   i whisper as if you
     really could hear me speak.
            as if you ever did listen.
               'thanks for being a good friend'
you spoke almost inaudibly
         as if you really replied
                        hearing your
     phone suddenly
              rings to the sound of
         your favorite song
   heartbreak girl by 5sos
                     and you so easily understood.
       between your only two contacts
               me and him
of course you'd run towards him
            the moment he calls
    leaving me behind.
                       i get it.
         it's just a little sad
i didn't get to tell you
                 to call me
       the next time he breaks your heart...
   after all,
                 you exist to make him happy
and i exist only to see you cry.
heartbreak girl by 5sos anyone?
224 · Apr 2018
Beauty and the Fool
cleann98 Apr 2018
She loved nothing but her own face. 'Nothing compared!' The people shouted making her smile. But then she saw a woman in the mirror as white and fair as she and she cursed that woman shattering her apart so nothing can compare to her face.

No hair flown more elegantly nor was there any as silky as her's so that was all she cared for. But she feared the bite of her comb would hurt her crown so she cursed that brush ripping apart it's dentures so nothing can ever bite her hair.

Her body was perfect from head to toe. Even softer and smoother than any cloth on the land. No fabric can be whiter or fairer than her skin. So she took her dress and cursed it tearing it apart so nothing can get in the way of her beauty.

The people watched the beauty day and night, how her face wrinkled without a mirror to tell her, how her hair grew frizzy and damaged without a comb to fix it, how her body was raided with scars and rashes and so many more. So they cursed her beauty bringing her into tears so that none may be enchanted by her.

But a prince charming came to her and wiped the drops off her cheeks. And beauty smiled gazing into his handsome face. He promised her he'll be her mirror and her comb and her dress and he'd love her forevermore. And even though her beauty is cursed he stayed beside her keeping making her feel beautiful inside.

And they lived happily ever after...
2017--- Wrote this after watching Disney's Beauty and the Beast
222 · Apr 2018
Paper Flowers..d
cleann98 Apr 2018
A friend once gave me
A paper flower,
An orange one, a dahlia
And it reminded me of you...
I know she just made it
Out of thin sheets of crepe paper
But I just can smell fresh daisies
Whenever I hold it close.
Just like how I could smell you
Thousands of miles away---

I fell in love with the dahlia
As quickly as I fell for you
Believing the make believe flower
Won't fade away like you'd do...

Hoping I don't have to
Shower it with as much time
Nor do I have to be with it
As much as I could have been for you---

I know it's my fault
We didn't last before

Yet for this one time I tried...
But how could I have known
That the sad reality is
Even paper flowers would wilt too?
Lol -----syraxx----- I still keep the flower, even if it's wilted beside my bed, maybe because I wasn't able to keep you after you faded. I actually expected neither to happen, I mean, you were even stronger than I am, how could you have first faltered before I did? And how could the paper flower act like a real one, it's petals slowly started to flop down and curl and the stem bent...
216 · Apr 2018
Things We Fight For
cleann98 Apr 2018
My mommy made a promise when I was young. She told me that she’d do everything to protect me, that she’d do everything to keep me safe. She swore with all her heart and strength that she’d fight for me with all her life.

She did fight with her best.

She fought with her all.

She gave it all she’s got.

She did manage to push back all my tears just before they would fall; sometimes they even climb back to hiding behind when she smiles. Even sobs turn to laughter at her presence.

Heck, I never felt down. She kept keeping me up.

She fought the winning fight. Beaten away sadness, and boxed out regret, she made shame feel sorry. I never even knew doubt, of course because I was sure she was there for me.

I never knew any counter weapon that could ever out power her smile, or her hugs or her forehead kisses –nothing could ever beat her forehead kisses.

She won ‘til the very end.

Then she lost.

I guess it’s kind of too ironic now. I hated it with all my heart before.

I hated the fact that when my protector disappeared, I was left bare for every new stranger, sadness… regret… shame… doubt…

All the tears that she kept pushing back, they finally escaped.

I didn’t even have any idea before that there’s this pool of raining kept up at the surface of my wrists just waiting to be freed—

I hated her.

I hated her for always winning.

I hated her for always trying so hard.

I hated her for fighting—

Ironic is it not? Now here I am making that same promise to you.

Seeing you cry so much, so devilishly much, I couldn’t really help it. I couldn’t help but remember all the times I cried without my mommy smiling to hush me; I couldn’t help but recall all the tears that fell from my eyes then, how I waited, crying, how I prayed crying, how I foolishly tried to fake all my smiles for the first few  months, still crying… Just vainly waiting for her to stop my tears from falling.

I couldn’t help but stop it.

It was all that I could do. It was the best that I can do.

“Cross my heart and hope to die.”

I swear that I’d do everything to protect you. I’ll do everything to keep you safe. I swear with all my heart and soul that I’d fight for you with all my life.

And, my son, I’ll never leave you alone.

I’ll never let another tear pass through your eyelids again, neither will I let another sob from your throat, no, now you’re with me, I won’t let this leukemia I passed along hurt you anymore.

This is the only thing she taught me to do.

Smile.

Hug.

Kiss your forehead.

At least I fought— How I hugged you managed to muffle the deafening beep of your oscillator…

I fought with everything I had.

I fought with all my heart and my strength like my mommy did.

I kept all the tears back inside your eyelids just when they are about to fall. Not even a single drop of blood escaped your wrists too. I think I was able to push back all the shame and regret and doubts in your heart? I hope I did.

I won against fear, at least. I managed to see you smile one last time but—

—I fought ‘til the very end—

Then I lost.
2018 February---- Desi, reading your most recent pieces reminded me of this work of mine... I hope you enjoy(?) it
216 · Jun 2018
Dove
cleann98 Jun 2018
She walks with lightning
Sans thunder, simply so bright...
Without fear -----just death
Sorry lol I love Dove Cameron hahahahah anyways, Dove can be a classic female name that means peace... well this poem depends on how you view peace lol hi
cleann98 Jan 2019
It never was my fault
   You never learned how
  To swim.

How can you blame me
       Now that you’re drowning?

If all you have
Are empty bottles
And half an empty
Can of glade...
       What is a broken heart
            In your eyes?

    Pitiful

           You don’t even have
     Broken shards
         And poisoned drops—

  So make sure
      Before you
    Start pointing
         Shaking fingers
       You know
  How to make
          A clean cut first.
deeper cuts=deeper love?

*originally published at my alter account. it's dead now.
208 · Dec 2018
stars from the start
cleann98 Dec 2018
we were brightly shining
all while constantly burning
we had to keep collapsing against ourselves keeping ourselves from burning out
196 · Dec 2018
forever dusk
cleann98 Dec 2018
i'm hoping a sunrise
will someday dawn
and remind me
of how to view the horizon
not picturing in my mind
you being happy with
someone else...
how long is the sun setting for our relationship?
187 · Jun 2018
motivation..s
cleann98 Jun 2018
waking up
with nothing
but
a
river
to
recry
challenge by sylph
181 · Apr 2018
Infinities
cleann98 Apr 2018
There is infinity
In the distance
Between One
And two.

Such is the
Space found
From me
To you.
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