I was ready
Two years
countless single-person
arguments

Countless late nights
Dozens of dreams
and thousands of thought threads
later

I was ready
And then you waltzed
out of my life
without even knowing

That you had crushed the chances
and pushed away
a long overdue apology

I'm sorry
I was ready
and
**I'm sorry

I can feel the end
Ripping a new hole in the line of tragedy's
That have made my heart their home
I can heart its steps

As it stomps closer
Threatening my moon
Threatening the ease
And I can do nothing

But sit by
In hot tears
And watch it Pierce my life
With another absence

But it doesn't stop there
It binds together
My stolen treasures
And gives them my joy

Time for the pain
To eat me alive
One again

I just hope this time
I do come back
Breathing

The thought that flickered
The second that passed
The moment I considered
It could have been my last

It wasn't a hideous joke
Not a wicked, humorous pass
Tears escaped my eyes in an awkward stroke
Maybe that was the answer at last

I would die an exact age
Not a day too young or too old
But that would be my last page?
This be my life for all to behold?

No, not here
Not now
I will not just disappear
Nor to her I will ever bow

Freedom I will taste
Away with fear I will kiss
Under no haste
*I will subsist

The moment the conscious mind wakes
but the haze is still thick
clouding your morning thoughts
where all the tumbling feelings tremble and shake

just before reality takes its hold
and the whole body rises
right before all your fiber realizes
fibs are what youve been told

That is the moment
That is the blissful second
Where I can see your face
adnd hear your voice

And feel your skin under my fingers
and faintly taste you on my lips
that is the second where your smell still exists
That is the time where together we are alive

And then it slips through my fingers
like loose sand
like running water
like old memories

and away you fade
back into my head
back into my soul
back into a place where

you exist

and though I go on about the day
although i still eat and work and play
and talk and laugh and smile
You are still there

Under my searching fingers
on the horizon of my sight
oh so faintly in the air
oh so subtly on my tongue

You are everywhere

And so dawns
An age of pain
And uncertainties
And tears

But never will the great land forget
Those aches that rattle in her core
They are scars that will remain
For the grand sunrise of tomorrow

The sentences never flow the way I want them to
Much like my life never goes as planned
Just as my feelings never yeild to mind
Just as I never bow to pain

Don't stop fighting

The confidence that I clawed to reach
The ideas so sure, so secure
All the concepts they dared to preach
I honestly believed it was the one and only cure

But where am I now?
In the exact same position as before
And there isn't any other way I know how
I am standing at the last door

Behind it is yet another brick wall
I have no other way to go
I've been beaten to a crawl
and forever I will dwell in such a powerful woe

When life has you on your toes
snapping her fingers
and clicking her tongue
in disapproval

Too much on you plate?
no such thing
and so the pile grows
until you've stretched so thin

That your physical being
is actually
numb

Melted within the small skull cavity;
blending with the bone;
You mind is long gone
and so is your sanity

But you keep performing
because life
is cruel
and unforgiving

to any
with faults
that break the surface

Squeeze my hands and pinch my cheeks
Walk me to the bus stop and take me to the park
Lets watch some movies and visit the creek
Lets talk until the sky is dark

Oh, Mommy, please don't raise your voice
Please don't say those words
Do you really think my character is ugly?
Do you really think my mind is absurd?

Oh, Mommy, please don't say I'm useless
Please give me a hug
Please don't send me to that stranger
and please don't throw our mugs

Hey, Mom, come
Listen to my teachers
the way they sing my song
listen to them brag about me
on and on and on

I'm so sorry, Mother
Do these A's need be higher?
Do I need to cower harder
Convince the world that you are not a liar?

Tell them I'm a bad girl
that I don't deserve your love?
Convince them I'm a hellchild
Or need it be more than that above?

Will then you take my hand and squeeze my cheeks?
Can we go to the park and visit the creek?
Can you walk me to the bus stop and talk all night long
Can we watch movies and pretend you didn't do anything wrong?

I can't stop moving
I'm restless but weak
I can't stop

I can't feel my legs
Or my fingers
I can't breathe

I can't see straight
My head is whirling
My stomach is empty

But I can't eat
I can't move
And I cant stop moving

I'm screaming
But also I can't speak
I'm gasping

Because again; I can't breathe
And I can't think
And I can't function
And I can't be good

And also I can't
Live
This way
I can't

Live

Sleep
                                                                                            Sleep
Oh how i love her so

Sleep

I drown in the beauty
of delusion
the colors
That I bath in

The smiles
That I cause

The image
That I
want

But its all in my head
because in the real world
sleep is sleep and dreams . . .

Dreams are dead
                                                                                                  Dead

If you wish
You can wait.

Patience I ask
And understanding I plead
I know how enormous the task
So I won't blame you if you leave

I'm sorry I'm confusing
I'm sorry that I love(d?) You
I'm sorry for choosing
Your ears to bear me too

I know that you care
But subelty is not enough
I need someone to declare
Not hearing those words is tough

Im invasive
I need to know the how and why
I may seem abrasive
And I apologize for when I persistently try

But that is who I am
And if you cannot see through
If you cant seem to accept it, well ****
I'll sure miss you

Sadness is not just tears
And sobs
And mourning and
Isolation

Sadness is the bags under your eyes
Because you can't sleep at night
Sadness is the indifferent silence where laughter used to ring

Sadness is empty chore where
Passion used to flow
Sadness is an occupied bed
With no sleeping scheduled

Sadness is the empty glint in your eyes
Where a twinkle used to shine
Sadness is a heavy sigh at
Two in the morning

And two in the afternoon
Sadness is losing interest
In people you used to adore
Sadness is slipping

From life everyday
But still breathing
Sadness is
Not sadness

This Sadness is Depression.
And Depression is dying
While you're still alive

The only thing worse than bottling up the sadness
the anger
the frustration
and the pain

Is having many people be aware
but knowing in your heart that
not one of them really care

I can no longer sit
and write
with ease

The stories of fear
were so alluring
I could read them
for eternity

But now they're nothing but
a tedious
chore

Reading in general
is
hard

The words lull me to sleep
and the story makes no
sense
at all

My dreams
have melted away
into a corner of my mind
that I don't dare

                                                           ­                                             touch

Nothing is exciting
Nothing brings me
smiles

I can feel the part of myself
that I was so sure of
slipping
through my fingers

Being torn away
by the cruel grasp
of
of


                                                   ­                                                  of what?


I
I don't know
but I desperately hold
whats left
with an iron grip

And I fear if I look
at what I have saved
Ill find a handful of


                                                            ­                                          Nothing

It is when I lie defensless
That I reach the top - the peak
Of the only pleasant feeling.
It is that of my beautiful nightly affairs
That I do so crave each second I breathe

But as I stir
Waking to a morning
Quite the same as the rest
I chase the faint flicker
Of my sweet midnight endeavors

I struggle to cling
To the faint fading feeling
Of such wanderlust
Such joy
Red hair that I was enamored with

When I have opened my eyes in full
And let the sorrows of today
Tomorrow
And yesterday sink in
The memories skitter away forever

And I'm left to haul another day
Scraping the rugged mountainside
Overlooking the pain of collected rubble
Shoving its way under my fingernails
To reach the sweet escape

On the very top once again

A thin white sheet
Flimsy and irrelevant
To everyone but me

Because behind its elegance
I sit trapped
And every joy beyond the flowing curtain
I am never to meet

It's silly to think
Such fragility could be
What conquers and captures
The every feeling and fiber of me

But so it does and so I try
Every brooding day and ghastly night
To thrash and stop and fight
Though I do believe it'd be fairly easy
To just quit

And die

These words, they echo
They've already been thought before
I decide to feel instead of think
but emptying my mind is such a chore

These tears, they burn
They've already been shed
I cry instead of speak
it's all the emotion I have bled

These feeling, they hurt
They've already been felt
But I don't feel instead of do
Under the fire I just melt

After a battle
I lie
Fatigued
And fearful

That this is only the beginning
Of the long war to proceed
That I will have to fight
So much more

For my sanity
For my right
For my happiness
For everything

But at that moment I cannot move a muscle
I can barely bat an eye
My heart is numb
My throat dry

My drive - absent
And my will
To keep fighting
So small

Was Strange
singular
queer
unsuspecting
extraordinary

frightening
­
but mostly strange

very very



*strange

With fear
that stems from the anxious shivers
That drives cold chills
though my skin

And into my head

Water and Oil
Science and Faith
Tradition and Contemporary
Pride and Anxiety

My mind
A selfish melting ***
of nothing and everything
Trying to scream at the same time

I want to devote
but I know it'll bring nothing but
pain
that I don't care to feel again

But how do I live my life
without the affection
that I spend everyday
craving

Tell me
Tell me
Oh, any deity that will come with open ears
Tell me

How

And the tear meets the floor
the sob escapes my lips
My body shudders
my knees give out

I am clueless on whether I should feel
afraid
or relieved

I can feel
It is a million times different than before
but its there

My heart is not stone
It beats
not rapidly
not specifically


but its alive
I'm alive
and I love you

Oh dear god I love you
I pray to any god who will help me
help me shed the feeling
I bear for those

That I
Cannot
have

They whimper
They are scared
They swear to any deity
That they are missing

And perhaps they are
Deep in the crevices of the mind
The darkness has closed in
And no separation can they find

But it spreads
Along the walls, covering the hidden
and finding the departed
And soon it finds the brim

With a giggle and skip
Around and down they all dip
From the glass of amusement they sip
and with a squeeze, it has your entirety in its grip

Now you are truly astray
When you reverse, but you don't
When you try to return,
but it all looks the same now

That's when you know
Not when you're sad
Not when you're angry
But when feeling don't exist anymore

You are lost when you become immune

It is eagerly that I prepare
Turning out lights and *******
Setting aside the following days necessities
And brushing my hair

My heart dances when I see
The black sheets and tossled comforter
Against the matte sky peaking through my window
I sit and sink
Into the noisy springs
And flattened pillows

And almost immediately I descend into
Another bed of another life
In my desperate mind

And it is then that I forget
I'm between the sweet haze of otherworldly dreams
And among the vibrant feelings and happy ventures
The dull muted droll of my own life

And in the blue mornings
As I wake to chronic angers and patient responsibility
Inevitably the cloak of heavy unsatisfaction and disappointment
Settle onto my shoulders

And as before I carry on with my day
Counting the seconds
And blissfully dreaming
Of the bed that waits for me at home

How strange it is
To bear witness
To see inside
Someone's mind

But how stranger it becomes
When the mind
Has stagnated
In one single place

For so long

I strolled down Teeter Avenue
A sway in my step
A tug at my cheek
On the way to the bridge

The green fought through prison stone
And the clouds filled in my umbrellas shift
The waters below were singin'
Such a beautiful song

I took off my jacket
And set it aside
On a gay, tattered bench
An omen no one could hide

I took up a step
Into levels so free
And flung to my death
All while you watched me