Visions of ****
And burglary
Dance around in my head
As darkness creeps over me
And I turn on all the lights
In my empty apartment
When you're not here
I toss and turn
Through the night
Popping sleeping pills
Just to catch a wink
Daydreams turn into
Night terrors
As the dog barks
At every little noise
Making me aware
Of all the scary things
Outside my window
Someone knocks at my door
But I'm not expecting company
Even with the deadbolt
I don't feel safe
In this big empty bed of mine
As I sleep alone

I fear the thought
of living without love
But more than that,
I fear the people
who are too afraid to love
because they'll never be able
to be real people
I fear these people
who choose to not love
because I don't know
if they're people at all

I've written
Hundreds
Of ****** love poems
For ****** guys
Who didn't mean ****
And now
I have someone
Who feels
Lucky to love me
And I'm choking
On my words
Stumbling over stanzas
Pushing out puns
I don't know
How to react
To something so good

You learn
To beg for love
When you're starving
You try to find it
In the darkest ******* places
And now
That I'm not hungry
Now that I'm being fed love
Served on a silver spoon
I keep waiting
For the knife
To come back out
When I least expect it

I feel our hearts pulse
In a rhythmic sort of way
Matching our hips
As we ****** and sway
Hands laced together
Bodies closer than ever

You tell me I'm beautiful
While you're inside me
You tell me you're lucky
Luckiest guy in the world
As we're making love
And all my insides engorge
At the thought of someone
Thinking I'm beautiful
While they're penetrating my body
Rather, my heart

I kiss your neck
Your cheek
Your ears
Every square inch of skin
My lips can find
Because I've lost the words
Those words that say
Thank you
So I keep grinding
And swaying
And kissing
And moaning
And biting
Hoping you understand
How much I love you

I want you to
Touch my body
Grab my thighs
With enough force
To take my breath away

Just barely feel
The leather paddle
On my skin
Before you bruise my body
Sending me into submission

Whisper ***** words
Across my chest
Each time you go
From ****** to ******

Shock me with electric stimulation
Feel the sparks fly
Between us
Between my legs

Vibrate my ****
While you find the good spot
The great spot
The most glorious spot there is
And watch me writhe and moan
While you do it

Bite my neck
My *******
My waist
Letting me know that I'm yours
When you leave a mark

Take over my body
And tie me up
Cover my eyes
Lick my body
Until you feel
A river release from me
Until you hear
An elongated opera from me
Until you see
A woman whipped for you

I want You here
with Me
all the time
I want You
to think about Me
when You are away
to dream about Me
when We're tangled up
in the same bed
I want You
to want My body
to crave a kiss
from only My lips
I don't want You
wanting other girls
just being with Me
while You wait
for the next best thing

I want to live with You
take showers with You
wash Your ***** laundry
and cook Your favorite meals
I want to spend as much time
as I possibly can
glued to Your side
kissing Your cheeks
holding Your hands
whispering sweet nothings
while We intertwine ourselves all night
under the glow of the lamp light
staying up way too late
and sleeping in until the dog wakes Us up


I'm just
too scared
to tell You
all these things
in case
You don't
want Me
the way
I want
You

You brought me out of
The darkness
Dusted my heart off
Gave it a little polish
Until you saw me shine
You took the cobwebs
And tossed them to the wind
With this new heart
Now up and running
You reminded me of
The feelings I thought I'd forgotten

I don't like the rain
It makes me sad and cold
It sends bones down my spine
And shivers to my cold
Or,
Something like that

I just want to hide
Deep inside
Feel you holding me tight
Kissing my cheek
And my forehead
Pecking each finger
Calming my waters
During my earthquake

Your heart beats in tandem
With each clap of thunder
Eyes blinking
As lightning strikes
You're the only storm
I'm willing to weather
Put me in the middle
Of your hurricane heart
Until I'm washed away
Lost in the shores of your love
Twisted in a love tornado
Just our bare bodies
In the middle of a storm

I write about
People I love

But I'm afraid
to write
about you

Just in case
you don't
love me back

You were a waste of time
Waste of skin
Waste of space

But for some reason
I thought
You were worth it

I'd love to eat
I don't know why
I struggle
To put food
In my belly
I don't know why
I cringe
Just writing the word:
Belly
That's a fat word
And I want
to be skinny
I shouldn't have
a belly
Full of stretch marks
that hangs
just a little bit
I shouldn't
Have to lift
it up
or lean forward
in order to see
My feet
Whoever gave me
this belly
made a mistake
a huge mistake
because I never
never ever asked
for one

I never
never ever asked
to be fat

I don't know
If I'm just
Too afraid
To let you go
Because you're
Someone familiar
Or if
I truly can't
Let you go
Because I'm still
So very in love
With everything you are
But either way
You're breaking my heart
By not loving me back
By not wanting me
By leaving me so cold
And I never thought
That being in love
Would hurt so much

I'm afraid
To make you
My muse
Because if
You break my heart
I'll have
A book of poems
That I'll
Never want to read

I rub my hands
Along my scalp
I watch the hair
Fall in the sink
Bleach blonde hair
With mousey brown roots
Locks upon locks
Falling to the sink
I tell myself I'm brave
I can do this
My hair will grow back
Yet I still cry
As I watch all the hair
That he touched
Fall to the sink
The hair that he stroked
The hair that he pulled
The hair that he brushed
out of my eyes
I watch him leave my head
Along with the last thing he touched
My hair

I thought
I was
coming around
to the idea
of being alone
Because during the day
it's easy
to be so alone
It's not until
the night falls
that I realize
I need an inhaler
But the pharmacy
is closed
and I'm
all alone
in my mind
Which is a
dark, scary place

I was fine
Until
I wasn't
and by then
I was alone
so nobody's here
to notice
I'm not fine
to notice
how alone I am

He doesn't really love me
None of these guys do
They're just looking
For a quick, hot ****

I'm no different
Than a trip to McDonald's
Fast food
Fast ****
It doesn't have to be good
It just has to be quick
Easy
Convenient
Cheap
With a short line

Three months later
And I still find
Your curly black hair
In my brush
In MY brush
Because for some reason
Three months later
I can't be rid of you
When I think I'm done
When I think I'm over
Clear
Fresh
Finally finished
Thoughts of you
Plague my mind
Memories flood me
Dreams arouse me
And I am
Overcome
I am yours
Once more
In those thoughts
Those memories
Those dreams
We're back
To the way we were
Happy
Loving
Wrapped in each other
Until I open my eyes
Shake my head
And scream
Scream at you
At the way
You ended things
The dream ends
And I remember
I'm just cleaning
A ******* hair brush

I want you to know
That I'm the best
You'll ever have
Because not many
Women
Could put up
With your *******
Your indecisiveness
Your inattentive responses
Your tired love making
Your hurtful jokes
Your empty love

Move on fast
Move on slow
Search high
Search low
I'll still be
The ******* best
You ever had
And that's
Your cross
To bear
Because I'm still
The best
And you're just alone

Lost without me
Without my love
Without my lips
Without everything
That makes me
The best you've
Ever had

When you write a poem
It makes **** more real

The emotions
Come to life
And you feel
Everything
All over again
Tears resurface
Anger bubbles over
All that ****
Comes back
Into existence
When all you wanted
Was for it
To go away
Forever

That's why
You wrote the poem
You wanted
All the ****
Gone
Banished
But writing it
Makes it real
All over again

Maybe that's
Why people
Don't write anymore
Maybe that's
Why people
Stop feeling things
Then they
Don't have
To feel them
Again

I want what we once had
But I want it
With someone else
Because you didn't
Appreciate
Love
Respect
My efforts

I just wish
I could find
A taker
Who wanted me
As much
As I wanted them

Because I'm tired of
Day dreaming
Reminiscing
Over what
We once had

I'm through
Thinking of nothing
But ******* you

I'm through
Giving you time
That you don't
******* deserve

I'm through
Kissing frogs
And ******* ****
To get what
We once had
When I'm
So worthy of it
Without you

"Don't you want to make it work?"
I asked
Tears in my eyes
Begging you to stay
Clutching your hand
In desperation
My heart quivering
Fearing the answer
You might give

Nothing ever hurt me
As much as you saying
No
You didn't
You were done

The cold swept in
And took me away
Far far
From you
Because next to you
I was getting
Frost bite

No longer smitten
Just ******
And frost bitten

You left me again
For good this time
On a December day
That was icy and cold
Sweet and snowy
Shortly after Christmas
As I clutched your hand
And tried to ask
For your heart
For you to stay
For another chance

I still wait
For a text
Or a call
Every day
I pray
That you'll want me
Again one day
But I don't think
You're coming back
Like you did before
I don't think
You love me
Like you once did
If you do
At all

Because on that day
That December day
The weather wasn't
The only thing
Cold and icy
Your heart
Gave the weather
A run for its money
As you
Ripped mine
Out of my chest

I want you
To live with
The burden
Of remembering me

Remember my smile
And the way
It would curl
When you would
Kiss my cheek

Remember my hug
How warm
Every single embrace was
On those cold
Winter mornings

Remember my kiss
Each soft lip
Pressing against
Your own
Against your heart

Remember my laugh
How sweet
It sounded
Soft and loud
Throughout the day
And night

Remember my heart
No matter
How far away it is
Because it'll always
Remember you

I lay awake at night
Grasping for your hand
The hand that isn't there
The hand that will never
Be there
I toss and turn
Thinking about
What could have been
If only
You hadn't left
I imagine your lips
Tracing my neck,
My body
One last time
The one last time
That I didn't get
Because you knew
Before I did
And you shut me out
Starved me of
Your love
And it still
Keeps me awake
Late at night
When you're fast asleep
Miles away
In your big lonely bed
Because I never stopped
Loving
The empty space
Where you were

I wrote all these poems
Especially for you
And now you're gone
You took my poems
And broke my heart
Leaving nothing
In its place
But tears and grief

I wrote all these poems
Especially for you
To show you just
How much I loved you
The words came naturally
From my heart
To my pen
And now it's just heartbreak
From the hole in my chest
To my pen

I can't deny what I felt
I never will deny what I felt
Because that was
The best ******* love
I ever had
I just wish
You had been ready
I wish
You could have accepted it all
Because nobody
Will love you
The way I did
And you threw that away
You threw me away
And as much as I would love
To say I regret it all
To say I hate you
To say I wish it never happened
To say I'd take it all back
I can't
Because I can't deny what I felt
When we were in love
When you loved me back

I've got the urge
To cut up a storm
Create hurricanes on my legs
Tornados up my arms
While tears rain down
And thunder claps
As I huff out hot air
The only thing
Keeping me warm
Is my shaking
My shivering
While I lock myself in a tundra
Hoping to die somehow
Soon

You'd rather be alone
Than be with me
Sleep alone
Than sleep with me
Love yourself
Than be loved by me

I never thought I was all that bad
Sweet smile
Kind eyes
Even kinder heart
Wrapping you in warmth and love
Giving you space when you need it
But apparently
I'm your last choice
Being with me is the end of the road
And you chose a different path
One where I was nowhere to be found

You wanted to be alone
Wanted to be independent
Said I was too much, emotionally
But before,
You said you didn't mind having me around
Said you didn't mind my emotions
Told me you loved me
On a daily basis
So either something changed
Or you were lying
And I want to know
The truth

Why you would rather be alone
Than be with me

Picnics on the frozen beach
Getting buzzed on a bottle of warm rosé wine
Popping pimples before steamy showers
Falling asleep during the last episode of our show

I'm glad none of that meant anything to you
I'm glad you didn't want to try anymore
I'm glad none of it was worth salvaging
I'm glad I wasn't worth fighting for
I'm glad you'd rather be alone
Than smile and laugh with me

Road trips to bumfuck anywhere
Baking at all hours of the day
Sleeping in until past noon
*** until three am
Kisses every hour
Concerts in dive bars and sketchy auditoriums
Getting lost trying to find our way

I'm glad it was all just a waste
I'm glad you don't give two *****
I'm glad it was never worth it
I'm glad it was just ammo
Perfect for your gun
To shoot into my heart

I can see my breath
And for some reason
That frightens me
For some reason
I'm very frightened
By everything today
I'm frightened
By my own thoughts
By my own existence
Just by being alone
And I don't know
If that's normal
I don't know
If people understand
What that's like
To be afraid
Of the mind
You live in
To be afraid
Of the life
You were born in
But it's scary
And I don't like it
I don't like
Seeing my breath
I don't like
Seeing my veins
I don't like
Feeling my pulse
As I live my scared life
Because I'm truly frightened
By everything in my mind
And I don't know how to stop it
I don't know how to change it
I don't know what to do
And that scares me

We're both sweating
As the fan blows over
Our naked bodies
The air conditioner is broken
And we can't beat the heat
So we create our own

Passion between the sheets
"I love you so much"
You whisper in my ear
I close my eyes
To prevent the tears
But bring you closer
As we ******
And try to breathe
While I gasp,
"I love you too"

I hold your stomach
Hugging you tight
Kissing your belly button
Looking up into your eyes
You sit down and hold me
So I can bury my head
Into your stubbly, curly chest

"It's okay,"
"You can cry if you want to,"
You tell me
As I breathe heavily
Unsure of why
I'm even crying in the first place
You kiss my cheeks
After wiping away my tears
With your beautiful brown thumbs
I can't help but cry more
With every peck from your lips

You pour me sparkling cider
And kiss the raspberry apple bubbles
Off my lips
I try to stop crying
As I tell you
I love you
As I tell you
How important you are to me
But I'm drunk in love
And the tears keep falling
So you keep kissing them away
As you tell me it's okay to cry

We sit next to each other
In the mezzanine
Of the crowded theater
Our matching purple outfits
Far too dressy for the occasion
But who cares
We look **** good

You put your hand out
Palm up
And look at me
As I smile
My coy, giddy smile
And place my hand on top
Interlacing my fingers with yours

The lights dim
And the show starts
But you never let go of my hand
Even when it gets weird and clammy
You never pull away
Even when I snort into your shoulder
And wipe away my laughing tears
You still hold onto me
You gently stroke my arm
Your warm thumb
Against my smooth bicep
And I can't help but smile

I look over
And catch you staring
Which makes me blush
And get coy again
The mezzanine
The balcony
The floor
It all disappears
When I feel your touch
Your light touch
Just glide over my skin
I float to another dimension
When you lean over
And kiss my cheek
Only coming back
To the mezzanine
When I open my eyes

I wish you knew
What it felt like
To be abandoned
Just so you'd know
How much it means
To me
That you stay
Because no amount of tears
Hugs
Kisses
Or thank yous
Could ever sum up
How grateful I am
To have someone
Who doesn't get scared
When I get scared
No matter how often
I tell you
I love you
It'll never be enough
I'll never be able
To show you
Exactly what
My heart is feeling
Because you
Came into my life
And put my heart
Back together
You saw the scars
The blood
The tear stains
The piles of ****
And you put it back together
I didn't even have to ask
I'm glad
Nobody has ever hurt you
The way they've hurt me
I just wish
You could somehow understand
How much I've been hurt
To see how much
Your love
Means to me

Who am I?
What makes me so special?
To be loved in this world
To be loved in a time like this
When everyone is full of hate
And nobody can find it
In their black hearts
To be kind to anyone?
Who am I?
What makes me so special?
So worthy of love
When I'm just a nobody
Just a small speck of dust
In an endless wave of sand
A little pebble
On the bottom of the ocean
A tiny snowflake
In a blinding blizzard
Who am I?
What makes me so ******* special?
When nothing in this world
Seems special at all
Except the concept of love itself
Because it's so rare

You stand behind me
Holding my waist
As I swipe green glitter
Over my lids
You kiss my neck
When I
Blot my blush pink lips
You run your hands
Through my hair
As I try to brush
Knots and tangles out
I bat your hands away
While giggling a bit
You always try to bug me
But I don't mind at all
I like the attention
You don't want
To mess up my makeup
But you still kiss me
I can always reapply
I snort
Because blush pink
Isn't your color
And wipe it off your lips
With my thumbs
You look into my eyes
Tell me how pretty I am
And I can feel my cheeks
Turn red and warm
I swoon a little
Thank goodness
You're holding me tight
Because I just fell
In love
A little bit more

My legs shake
And quake
As I feel
Our hearts beat
In tandem
Chests pressed together
Hearts pounding
To the same rhythm
As the music plays
In the dimly lit room
With the hibiscus candle off to the side
Lavender incense in the corner
Your favorite scents
String lights above us
Nothing in between us
Except our beating hearts
Keeping in time
With Florence
While she sings
About dog days and wrecked ships
My gold nails running down
The sweat on your back
Pressing you against me
To keep our hearts
Together

When you hold me
I forget to be insecure
About my size
About my numbers
About my body
I forget to worry
About my lumpy thighs
About my jiggly tummy
About my pudgy arms
You stroke each limb
And kiss every inch
As if none of it matters
As if you don't care
That I'm fat
You aren't afraid to touch
My cellulite
My bumps
My pudge
The things
Nobody else wanted
Nobody else would touch
Nobody else saw as desirable
You touch them
You hold them
You kiss them
You make love to them
You flat out love them
Because for some reason
You don't care

It's dumb
How quickly
I get lost
In your eyes
Your **** brown eyes
Full of nuisance
And mayhem
That wrap me up
In a whole other world
And make me forget
About all other eyes

They're simple brown eyes
I don't know
What makes yours
So ******* special
Or why your eyes
Have such a hold
Over me
Because they're just eyes

We both know that's a lie
Those **** brown eyes
With warm, sensual flecks
With terror and mischief
Are unlike any other set
Of brown eyes
Which is insane
To even think about
Because most people
In the world
Have brown eyes
But yours are the only
Brown eyes
That have a hold over me
The only brown eyes
That make me
Fall in love
Every ******* day

I don't know
How many nights
It would take
To count the stars
But I would spend
Every night
For the rest of my life
Counting stars
Until I found you

For every star
I counted
I would give a reason
Why I love you

There probably aren't
Enough stars in the sky
Because my love
Stretches across
The endless entity
And beyond

You'll find me
Under the black velvet sky
Every night
Faithful to a fault
Counting those stars
Until I find you

Prozac has the worst aftertaste
Especially when you take it
On an empty stomach
Which you're not supposed to do
But I do anyway
Because Prozac can make you fat
Depression can make you fat
Usually sick people get thin
But I'm the opposite
I get fat
Because I ******* eat my feelings
I don't know how to cope
So I take prozac
To help me out
To help me not sleep all **** day
To help me get up in the mornings
To help me do ****
But it has an awful aftertaste
Unlike anything else
And it stays at the top of your throat
This gross pill capsule taste
That I really ****** hate
But I have to take these pills anyway
Every ******* day
Despite the aftertaste
Because I want to live

I love
Our love
In a way
I don't love
Anything

It makes my
Toes wiggle
When you
Spontaneously kiss me

It makes my
Ovaries flutter
When you
Hold my waist

It makes my
Cheeks blush
When you
Nibble my ear

It makes my
Eyelashes bat
When you
Say you love me

It makes my
Palms pulse
When you
Peck my fingers

It makes my
Body weak
When you
Say I'm yours

I'm a fool
For chasing after you
Day after day
You're a fool
For letting me go
Without you
We're both ****** fools
For loving each other
And not holding on tighter
But they always say
Only fools fall in love
I consider myself
One lucky fool
Because I got to love you
Even if only for a while
It was longer than most get to
You are
One lucky fool
Because you got my love
Whenever you wanted it
Even when you didn't
I'm just full of it
Two fools in love
Finding their way
Back to each other
Because love makes one strong path
And it's pretty easy to lead
Two fools in love

Jesus Christ
You seem pretty ****** nice
At least that's what people say
Praising your name
Saying you're the man
But I'm still not convinced
Jesus Christ
Even though
You seem pretty ****** nice
I just wish
I didn't get the short end
Of the stick
How come I'm getting
The short end
Of the stick?
If you're so nice
Why can't you cut a chick
A break?
I'd appreciate it
A whole ****** lot
Cause you see
I'm pretty tired
Of having to fight
Every single day
To stay alive
I know things are worth it
When you have to work hard
But why do I have to
Work so **** hard
When other people
Have a pretty blessed life?
How do you decide
Who gets it easy?
And why did I get ******?
Jesus Christ
You seemed nicer
Than this
Evil life
Was I wrong?

It's difficult to be pretty in this world
Because when you're pretty
You get *****
Because men don't know how to control themselves
Because when you're a man
You don't have to
Men are commended
For impregnating women
And being masculine rapists
Women are shamed
For getting pregnant
And being *****
Women were asking for it
Women should have known better
Women are supposed to be prepared
Nobody tells men not to ****
We hope it's common sense
But then we don't reprimand them
Because boys will be boys
But why can't boys be nice boys
And keep their hands to themselves
Stop hurting young women
Who really don't want to be *****
I don't know why
Men keep ****** women
It isn't fun
Nobody is asking for it
The definition of ****
Is *** that isn't asked for
But guys do it anyway
Because women are too afraid
To speak up
To live in this world
Ruled by ****** men

If three words
Could make a poem
I'd have one written already
I love you
Is all I need to say
How much more
Can I say
When I love you
Is the only thing
Running through my mind
I love you
Is all I want to say
Over and over
Again and again
And I want you
To comprehend it
To listen
Every time I say it
I love you

I'm not an obvious kind of pretty
I don't have natural blonde hair
Or bright blue eyes
No perky little *****
No gap between my thighs
I don't look like anyone else
I bleach my own hair
Use drug store eyeshadow
Wear dresses from the clearance rack
That show the red bumps after shaving my legs

I have lumps and bumps
Cellulite and pudge
Blackheads and bacne
A recipe for nothing special at all
Just someone average
Who has a bright twinkle
In her **** brown eyes
And curvy hips
That sway in the sun

You have to look close
To see all my beauty
I'm not a model
Or a ******* bunny
Just someone on the sidelines
Watching the models and bunnies
While they get the attention
And I get brushed by
It's not obvious that I'm beautiful
Until you look into my eyes
Until you see my semi-white smile
Then you notice the little moles
The silver scars
The way my body curves
In a voluptuous way
And you see
Just how perfect I am

It seems like you don't get it
Just how much I care for you
Just how much I adore you
Just how much I love you
Just how much I want you
It seems like you take advantage of it
Like you don't actually care
How much I put into us
When I'm putting everything into us
Because you're the one I want to be with
There's a reason why I've picked you
Why I'm choosing to love you
I could love anyone
And I'm loving you
And you're taking that for granted
Because you know I'll never leave
You know I'll always be a phone call away
You know I'm waiting for you
Night and day
You know I'm always here
Because that's how much I ******* love you
But you don't get it

It's weird to have friends who are *****
You know they're not good people
But they're your friends
Your best friends
And they're not really cunty towards you
They're actually really nice
And they make you laugh
But there's this thing in the back of your mind
That wonders
Constantly, almost
If they're talking about you
If they're being cunty towards you
Behind your back
Because even though they are your friends
They're nothing more than *****
Who only really know how to be *****
Not friends

Sometimes I still can't believe
I was stupid enough to take you back
After the way you treated me the first time around
Acting like that **** doesn't matter
Like it never happened
Like I never cut myself
Thinking about you
Like I never ate my way through $20 worth of McDonald's
Crying over you
Like I never tried to take too many pills
Trying to get you out of my head
Like I never ****** other people, picturing you
Because I still loved you
Like I never wrote hate letters to you
Remembering the pain like it's fresh
Like I never stayed up all night screaming into my pillow
Missing the **** out of you
I took you back like none of that happened
Because that's how much I ******* love you
That's how much I missed having you
You ****** me beyond belief
But all I wanted
Was to have your love again
To have you again
Call me stupid
Or your girlfriend
Same difference

You left me once
It was still kind of warm
At least for being the middle of October
My tears couldn't save me
No amount of begging
No matter how many times I said I loved you
Or I was sorry
You still left
Wouldn't even open the door for me
As I stood there
Fresh out of tears
With a box of birthday presents
For you

You were home
Just wouldn't open the door
I had no choice
But to leave
I didn't want to
But you made me
You made me leave that night
By shutting me out
I gave you everything
And you left me
You ******* left me

But now you want me back
You say you still love me
It's killing you
You don't even know what to say
Well I do
*******
Because you left me
That warm night in October
And even though
You left me
I never stopped loving you
I tried, but...
I couldn't
Even though you left me