all the days just fade into one another
i do nothing, i see nothing, i am nothing
even medication and self harm cannot bring me out of this darkness
i binge and purge the demons out of me

i take all the pills at once to drown out my own self hate
i take them all to accompany the numbness in my heart
i slip down further and further
the darkness gets darker and darker

i drink away the voices in my mind
i drink until they go from sharp and bitter
to warm and soft
i drink the pain away

i cry until my heart caves in
i cry because there’s no other way
i can suffer like i should
i cry until my eyes dry out

i take the pills
i drink everything away
i cry all night
until i find the courage to end my own life.

just another name
another faceless "crazy" behind a keyboard
one that isn't even crazy.
not like the others.
no.
she's just sad.
lazy.
incapable of living.
better off dead.
even the small cries for help get lost in the void.
with only echos of "just end it" coming back to her.
she cuts into her flesh
taking pieces of herself away
and the others don't even care.
they let her keep carving ridges into her arms
why?
because she's not really crazy.
not depressed.
not suicidal.
she won't **** herself.
she's not important enough to help.
she doesn't need help.
she's not crazy.
just empty inside.
using pain to push back the darkness inside of her.
push it down.
keep it away.
cut deeper,
and deeper,
and deeper,
she reaches out again.
maybe she is sick.
no.
she's alone again.
ignored again.
she cuts again.
and again.
again.
again.
again.
again.
keep going.
"just end it"
there's no point reaching out.


not when there's no one there.

I have nothing.
I fell like I am nothing,
but I'm not.
God how I wish I was.
I wouldn't take up so much space:
FAT
I wouldn't be a burden:
DEPRESSED
I wouldn't be so distant, so needy:
BORDERLINE
I would just be a memory.
A sad, dark, empty, lonely,
Memory.
I could save you all from this,
From the pain of knowing me.
Loving me.
Hating me.
And it'd be fine.

One second is all it takes to say "I love you."
One second will be all it'll take to say "goodbye forever"
One second of
"Here we go again"
Before,
"She left us too soon."

I wanna stop how I feel inside
and the thoughts of worthlessness and pain
I wonder why it has to be this way
and suddenly I'm reminded of you again

I wanna forget about that day
and about your body laying on the floor
I hate that I was old enough to understand
that you were gone; you'd walked through deaths' door

I wanna stop all the darkness
that tears away at my heart
but you're not here to tell me how
and that's the hardest part

Mummy, I wanna hold you again
and see you, just one more time
I can't stand how I've felt since you left
like the sun and stars no longer shine

I guess what I want doesn't matter
you're gone - never coming back
so I'll keep crying and walking
along this sad, dark, empty, lonely track

I'll keep going
until the day my heart ceases to beat
until I join you again
and life quietly whispers defeat.

I sit here
alone
I turn my music up louder
drown out the world
I go away
to the place inside my mind
let the world slip away
just for the moment
I'll entertain the idea
of a world without me
I'll fantasise
about the moment my life
slips into oblivion
for only a moment
I'll give everyone what they want

a world
without me.

An early start
Brisk, cold, dark.
Busy train, not for long
Transfer to busier train,
Easy ride followed by half hour walk.
First day of semester,
Lecture one - lifespan, development and communication.
Ten minutes to spare
Crowded room. Enough seats.
No friends.

Alone.

Fear of isolation sets in.
Unjustified? Maybe.
Irrational? Emotion mind says "no".

Later on; sitting alone.
Library,
Perfect silence.
Views of clear, empty blue skies.
A water feature, the road, a small bridge.
Serene yet, lonely.

The day is still cold,
The clock; not yet 12
The space around me still empty - alone
An accustomed feeling
Isolation already defining day one.

A day not yet ended.

Once upon a time there lived a little girl. This little girl was no different to anybody else. She liked to play with her friends, she listened to her teachers and everyday she’d go home to watch TV and play with her two brothers and her little sister. This little girl’s life continued to flow smoothly, she went to school, got good grades, started high school, made new friends, and everyday she’d go home to find her mum making dinner and she’d watch her dad come home after a long days’ work.

The little girl had a good life.

Until one August morning when the little girl awoke only to find that she’d never hear her mother’s voice again.

That little girl’s mother died that day and that little girl suddenly wasn’t just a little girl anymore. The little girl was devastated by her loss but she tried her best not to show it. The little girl put on a mask, one that hid all of her pain and suffering from those around her. No matter how much the little girl hurt, no one could ever see it. What the little girl didn’t know was that the longer she wore this mask, the harder it would be to take off. So the mask stayed on, forever hiding all that she felt from the world. This mask took all of the little girl’s emotions away, both good and bad, it made her completely numb.

So the little girl learnt how to pretend.

She pretended that she was fine. She pretended to be happy when something good happened and pretended to be sad when something bad happened. The little girl was able to pretend for four years before the cracks started to appear in her mask. You see after four years of pretending that everything was fine pressure started to build under the mask. Every fake smile, every fake laugh….. Every fake tear, it all built the pressure up under that mask. Until one day the cracks in the little girl’s mask got so big that the mask shattered into thousands of tiny pieces that could never be put back together again, and all of the emotions, the fake smiles, laughs and fake tears; everything under that mask came out all at once.
Suddenly the little girl couldn’t pretend anymore. Everyone had seen the mask break; they had all seen what was hiding beneath it. So the little girl stopped pretending, but after so long without real emotions she realised that she didn’t know how to be happy, sad, angry, anxious…….. She didn’t know how to feel anything.
The little girl that had once hidden from her emotions, her pain, the world and even herself was forced to face it all at once.

The little girl couldn’t handle it.

The little girl went to the doctors and asked them to fix her. They told her that she was depressed. They gave her some pills and told her that they would make the pain go away. And they did, for a little while at least, but then new problems emerged. Sure the pills took away the pain, but now it was almost like there was too much happiness. The little girl saw the world in Technicolor vision; her thoughts raced and flew faster than anything known to mankind. She had compulsions to clean and to create, to socialise and love. She wanted to yell her happiness from well above the tree tops. Nothing could stop her. She felt immortal. Death was but a tiny distant memory to her.

This feeling never lasted long.

Before long the depression would come back, she found herself with a blade in her hand and tears streaming down her face many times. Too many times she found herself asking what the point in living was. All she wanted to do was die. She experimented with different kinds of overdoses, she got sick and most importantly she stopped caring. She didn’t care about anyone else, she didn’t care about herself. All she wanted was for the world to just stop spinning. The depression took over, until suddenly the world would change and colour would come back. That’s when the compulsions would come back, the racing thoughts, and the happiness. All of it would come rushing back. But just as quickly as it came; it went. This cycle continued for a long time until, during a moment of depression, she got a little too close to death and found herself in a psychiatric hospital.

All of the doctors and nurses agreed that there was more than just depression plaguing the little girl. They threw around words like bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder and cyclothymia. They gave the little girl new pills. This time they were supposed to stop her from going high, and also low. They were supposed to keep her stable. And then, they sent her home. They messed with her medication a lot, trying to find the right ones. They started her on one hell of a rollercoaster ride; and on that rollercoaster ride, is where you can find that little girl today.

you call out my name
when my knees are on the ground
when colour disappears
when hope turns into nonexistence

you call out my name
when you know that i am weak
when you know that i've got nobody
when you know that i'm alone

it's my  name you speak
when the darkness comes again
when rain falls from clear blue skies
when the warmth has gone

it's my name you speak
as i grow sicker
as i throw away my pills
as i cry myself to sleep once again

you're who i turn to
when light is but a memory
when words fail to soothe
and the days drag on

you're who i turn to
in my darkest hours, and when i am fine
before i even try
and when i've given up yet again

yours is the name i whisper
when people asks whats to blame
when they ask what helps
when they ask me what i want to stop

you're the one
i'll never give up
i'll never stop hating
the one that defines me

Self Harm
you're the one
i will always
need.

an ever-surmounting pile of guilt
stops me from sharing with you
all of the inconceivably dark things
that, to myself, i do.

the ever-raging seas of despair
that drown all glimpses of light
are growing inside of my mind
oh, how the skies were once so bright.

the darkness that lives inside of my mind
has slowly taken control
i am no longer able to feel light's warmth
nor, can i remember it at all.

i was once a young, joyous girl
until the devil stole away her last breath
and since that day
all i can think about is joining her in death.

The darkness sets in
It eats away at my heart
The light gets dimmer and fades away
I'm drowning but breathing
All at once

The blade calls out my name
The relief it gives is tempting
My self control crumbles away
The blade provides comfort
Once again

The afterlife waits patiently
For the day I draw my last breath
In my mind I picture heaven
But in my heart I feel hell
The end isn't far away

The rain steadily falls
The night air is still
I've lost the will to live
So willingly I shall leave
My last word - farewell.

i failed once again
my impulses take control
i find no reason to fight it
i fell like ive lost it all

the demons
come creeping back in
they help me pick up the razor
and put it against my skin

one little line
soon becomes more
its not long before
the drips hit the floor

im falling down
back into old habits
its a neverending fall
into neverending pits

it's time for me to go now
the gashes need to heal
ive been torn and torn myself up
none of this seems real

all the days just fade into one another
i do nothing, i see nothing, i am nothing
even medication and self harm cannot bring me out of this darkness
i binge and purge the demons out of me

i take all the pills at once to drown out my own self hate
i take them all to accompany the numbness in my heart
i slip down further and further
the darkness gets darker and darker

i drink away the voices in my mind
i drink until they go from sharp and bitter
to warm and soft
i drink the pain away

i cry until my heart caves in
i cry because there's no other way
i can suffer like i should
i cry until my eyes dry out

i take the pills
i drink everything away
i cry all night
until i find the courage to end my own life.

A simple whisper,
A silent tear: falling.
My heart: whole,
You walking free.
A quiet goodnight,
A sweet kiss in the dark.
Nothing like this.

A simple song,
A silent wish: imagined.
My mind: blank,
You leaving here.
A quick goodbye,
A girl left in the dark.
Something like this.

i stand below the line
my ribs stand out on their own
i am not thin enough
i need to be only bone

i'll starve the demons out of me
purge until they're gone
i won't let food touch my lips
i've been too big, too long

the voices that i hear
they tell me i'm not good enough
no one will ever love me
because i weigh so ******* much
------
i stood below the line
they said i was underweight
but all i saw was fat
and all i felt was hate

i cried the demons out of me
wept until i was numb
i didn't let people see
the monster that i had become

the voices that i used to hear
told me i had to go
that if i wanted freedom
my blood would have to flow.

black
nightmare
the voices
inside my head
disturb sanity
preventing morning light
from coming through the darkness
everything in my head stops dead
the voices say i must try get out
the only one that can stop them is death

the pills go down and darkness comes again
the voices start getting quiet
slowly morning starts coming through
all the pain begins to fade
and thoughts become clearer
the urge to live dims
death welcomes me
and deep down
my heart
beams

you have always been half a world away
but now my heart is only breaking more
i don't know if you're really gone
but your silence only lengthens this war

even though you never knew it
you helped fight the demons in my mind
just the thought of you leaving me
erases all hope i could ever think to find

i honestly can't say that i'm surprised
i always knew that one day you'd leave me
but i still don't want to believe it's true
because my heart still says that it can't be

i didn't even know that i could break more
but i guess that's what you do
you poison and destroy
then leave when it's convenient for you

even though you've ruined me forever
to me, love was never a lie
and there is no way that i could ever say
goodbye

what if none of this is real
it's just all inside my head
all of these crazy thoughts
are telling me i'm better off dead

what if this whole time
it's all been a lie
and i really have
no reason to cry

what if i don't belong
anywhere in this world
i'm so much better than most
but i'm still a messed up little girl

what if i ended it all
then would everything be okay
what if I've decided
to put a stop to everything today

i guess i don't know what i'm looking for
all i want is for this war to end
i'm done with nights crying on the floor
just waiting for my heart to mend

i wish i didn't have to find
relief and comfort in this blade
the only things it's put in my mind
are reminders of the mistakes I've made

all of these thoughts in my head
are slowly killing me
i want help but they give me pain instead
i'm hurting; can't you see?

i want all of my demons to die
maybe then i'll escape all this hurt
but what if making my demons die
means killing myself first?

my hands are numb
my blood;
like ice in my veins
skies are grey
rain falls
the pain running through me
stops any warmth from coming in
the words i hear
poison my mind
giving me reason after reason
to swallow the pills
tighten the rope
slit my wrists.

everything i say
screams
"take me away"

I keep these blades
Tucked safely behind
Diarys and notebooks
To keep my demons company

I keep these fears
Alive and well
Burning in my mind
To keep my demons company

I keep these memories
From those nights
Back when I tried to die
To keep my demons company

I keep these demons
Leave them by my side
I let them destroy me
Just so they can keep me company

there is nothing more that i can say
i just want it all to stop
each and everyday

i've tried to stay calm
but no matter how hard i try
i'll always go back to self harm

i'm hurting, can't you see?
but no, of course you don't
because it's all inside of me

all of my demons and nightmares
are keeping this pain alive
for me; it's the end, i fear

so at least for today
let's just skip the part
where we pretend that i'm okay.

The days all fade into one another
Here in my mind, nothing changes
I'm not sure i can go on
Somewhere else everything's different

Maybe in another universe
I could be happy
Grey skies would've lifted
However,here in this place
The only feelings are dark

Beneath this skin
Everything has stopped

Thoughts of suicide plague my mind
How can i keep moving forward
Everything's already going backwards

Eventually i will fade into non-existence
Never being seen again
Death; the last to hold me.

when darkness enters your heart
and the sky turns grey
you'll never quite be the same,
- innocence as gone as yesterday

when you watch a life end
watch a persons soul escaping through there eyes
you'll never quite be the same
- your happiness soon dies

when it all gets to be too much
and life keeps pushing you down
you'll never quite be the same
- you only think of lying six feet underground

5 years ago

A 13 year old girl awoke
Thinking that everything
Was as it always had been
But still, something didn't feel right

5 years ago

The shock of it all
Numbed the 13 year old girl
She walked around in a daze
Everyday was the same

5 years ago

The flowers piled up
The condolences overwhelmed
The 13 year old girl
Just wanted everything to stop

5 years ago

All the problems started
The selfharm; depression
The 13 year old girl
Turned to thoughts of letting go

5 years ago

On exactly this day
I, a 13 year old girl awoke
But everything was not okay
Nothing felt right

5 years later

An 18 year old girl
Grieves the loss of her mother
A 46 year old woman
Who died suddenly

Exactly 5 years ago

Time heals all wounds
Or so the story goes
But sometimes its only objective
Is to help us reach new lows

Time takes everything
Leaving only memories
But sometimes memories lie and decieve
Making time our greatest enemy

Time moves both fast and slow
It's never in our control
It likes to keep us waiting
Pain; its only goal.

Time will always win
Its waiting for us to die
And on that day
The only thing left to do is cry.

Everything that builds inside
And everything that breaks
Everything that you let go
And everything that you can take

Everytime you want to leave
And everytime you cry
Everytime you've ever wondered
What it'd be like to die

Everywhere you find yourself
And everywhere you go
Everywhere you're left behind
And everywhere you're alone

Take those things
Take those times
Take those places
Put them into words

You remind me
That I can't breathe
Stuck in my head
To make me believe
A constant battle
Raging on
In my head
A shadowless song

I wait for you to leave me
But you keep coming back for more
Leaving my heart
Trampled on the floor
The delusions you believe in
Make me shake with fear
I am unprotected
My heart lying bare

Under constant watch
Under constant fire
Always hearing
The stories of a liar
As days go on
I find it harder to breathe
To love
But not to deceive

You remind me
My demons are here
And they're mine alone
My cross to bear
Everytime you knock me down
I promise I'll stand
And ask for the end
From your relentless hand

I won't let you
Hurt me anymore
It's time to mend
The pieces of me you tore
I'm on my feet
I'm finally free
With no more pain
Chasing after me.

I had a blue sky
Soft and warm
Then you turned it to grey
Rough and torn

I had a safe haven
Nothing could touch me there
Then you came along
And I ran out of air

You showed me how the world is
Full of demons and fire
All the light is gone
The dark climbs higher

You showed me how the world is
So dark and so cold
Leaving me wanting
A pilow to hold

You took away my innocence
Showed me what could've been
Now I can't erase
The things that I have seen

You took away all hope
Of ever being happy again
There's no longer a chance
That I'll mend

I hated myself
Because I felt so low
It's all your fault
I just wanted you to know

I ended my life
With a razor blade
Hoping to stop
The pain you made.

I may not be as good
As the others here
I may not be as good
With poems, I fear

But one thing I know
-these words are mine
And one thing I know
They're yours to find

They're not as deep
Not as vague
They may not resonate
They're just letters on this page

They reflect my life
-the inner me
And everything else
That others don't see

Say what you will
About this assortment of words
I'll keep on writing
Never changing afterwards.

I was born
I was happy
I started school
I made friends
New school
No friends - lonely
Change school again
Found old friends - happy again
Mother dies - sad
Depression settles in
World spins
Self harm starts
World stops
Self hate grows
Eating disorder
Self harm worsens
People worry
I give up trying
Convinced to try again
Determined to right my wrongs
Start university
No friends - lonely
Self harm comes back
Eating disorder returns
Ready to give up again
Wrote poem

i'm standing here all alone
tears filling up my eyes
i'm just trying to forget
all of your lies

the rain falls down
washing away the pain
that i'm forced to take
again and again

i'm running away
from the demons chasing after me
they're trying to hunt me down
i'm trying to get free

the sun sets
and darkness fills the skies
a grown man stares
and a young girl cries.

this is how
our world falls apart
through shared secrets
and a broken heart

this is how
you loved me
with fists and rage
i couldn't get free

this is how
my demons cried
the only left
after you died

this is how
you set me free
with a knife through my heart
you murdered me

by sweet sunrise
fear fades away
by sweet sunrise
hope finds another day
by sweet sunrise
your tears start to dry
and by sweet sunrise
you learn to fly

by candlelight
sadness flickers and fades
by candlelight
you await new days
by candlelight
you start to dream
and by candlelight
words are no longer mean

by tomorrow
you'll find new promises
by tomorrow
you'll use old wishes
by tomorrow
you'll find my eyes
and by tomorrow
no one new will cry

every time you're mad
i take a blade
sink it into my skin
to stop the pain you made

every time you yell
i fade away
it scares me to think
i won't be okay

with every hit i take
i die a little inside
within my own mind
i'm trying to hide

with every word i hear
my soul fades away
i want it all to end
maybe it will someday

with every step i take
i go back two more
i'm always one step behind
i'm always on the floor

with everyday that passes by
my heart grows weak
this could all end
but words i dare not speak

every time i fall
i get back up again
the battle's still raging on
maybe it'll never end

fall down, fall down
how far does the rabbit hole go?
where are you? where are you?
do you even know?

too big, then too small
you don't belong
shrink some, grow some more
follow that rabbits song

two steps forward
one step back
keep marching on
you're on the right track

don't turn back
you've come so far
listen to the hatter
we all know who you are

save our homes
and save our souls
it's up to you now
to defeat the dragons and trolls

i fake my way through everyday
with a numbness inside
my demons are hunting me down
i'm running out of places to hide

they know how to break me down
they know how to make me cry
they know i'm on my knees
i know that i can't hide

with everyday that passes by
a little piece of me gets broken down
soon there'll be nothing left of me
i'll fall without a sound

i've been holding on for too long
it's time to sever my ties
on that last lonely day
rain fell from ashen coloured skies

-----

no need to fake a smile
no numbness left inside
my demons stopped chasing me
i no longer needed to hide

i couldn't be broken down
i couldn't be made to cry
i got up off my knees
i stopped trying to hide

with each day that passed by
i stopped breaking down
there was nothing left of me
i fell without a sound

i stopped holding on so tight
and i severed my ties
on that last lonely day
i said my final goodbyes.

she
          stands in front of the mirror
          hands shaking
          her reflection
is
          not defined as 'beautiful'
          her standards are too high
          she has
an
          eating disorder
          she thinks she's fine
          but she's not
          soon an
angel
          will come
          to take her away
          an angel with beauty
that
          astounds even God
          just like 'her'
          only whole
          she
doesn't
          see the pain she causes herself or others
          she wants to be beautiful
          she doesn't
need
          all this pain and suffering
          to keep her demons away
          she needs
wings
          and a prayer
          what she needs
          she doesn't get.
To
          be happy
          she needs to be somewhere else
          she needs to
fly.

she's behind every smile
saying "this is what it takes"
she's behind every smile
both real and fakes

she holds my hand
when my mind becomes weak
she holds my hand
telling me not to eat

i'm tied to Ana
by the lies i've listened to
i'm tied to Ana
there's nothing i can do

i fade away piece by piece
as Ana watches on
i fade away piece by piece
soon it won't be long

maybe i'm addicted
to the lies Ana shares
maybe i'm addicted
maybe only Ana cares

can't let her go
i only wish i could
can't let her go
heaven knows i should.

only one of me to break
hitting two birds with one stone
there are three demons on my back
four more at home
five people making me cry
six days a week with rain
and seven with no hope
eight razors to end my pain
it all started when i was nine
for ten hours everyday
eleven stuffed animals forced to watch
to twelve different gods i pray
like thirteen different horror scenes
with fourteen thousand ghosts
for fifteen minutes i'm afraid
i failed with sixteen little ropes
at seventeen i give myself
eighteen minutes to cry
and nineteen deep breaths before i fall
from twenty stories high.

i know i don't see when you cry
but i know that you do
i know you want to die
and sometimes i do too

i know i don't see the cuts that you make
but i know that they're there
i know your smiles are fake
and that you have so much to fear

i want to reach out to you
and tell you "you're not alone"
i want to help you get through
-run the demons out of your home

you've got to know
i'm just as bad
with scars i do not show
and others making me sad

i've cried myself to sleep
every night for years
while trying not to cut too deep
i drown my sorrow with tears

i know it's stupid to say
but i do love both of you
i want you to be okay
and i believe in you

all these words i'm giving to you
i wish one day to hear
i just wish that you knew
just how much i care.

all of these memories
keep your feet on the ground
they stop you from running away
they keep you safe and sound

all of these memories
remind you of yesterday
they keep you safe
by keeping your demons away

all of these memories
hide your mistakes from the light
they stop all the whispers
they know how to hold you right

all of these memories
bring light into your life
they keep bad spirits in the shadows
they keep you away from strife

all of these memories
are good at lying to you
they're breaking down
because that's just what memories do.