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I’m not saying that I have a bad life
I have everything I need to survive
I have a job, roof over my head, support
I buy the things that I need and want
But for some reason I have a feeling in me that just does not want to leave me alone
I don’t feel like I’m worth it
Anything
I deserve nothing that would make me happy
Why? I honestly don’t know
No one understands what goes through my head
Im very insecure and constantly worried
I worry that people don’t actually like or love me
I worried that everyone thinks I’m annoying
Nothing helps me feel totally happy
Not money, family, friends, nothing
And I don’t know why.
I feel like I’m alone
No one is helping me fight my battle
A army of one
I have visions of me fighting
I have moments where I just sit in my room and drive myself crazy overthinking
I end up crying and fighting with myself
Yelling, punching things,  throwing things
And picking fights with my boyfriend
I love him I really do
But, I feel like my insecurities are pushing him away
He says he loves me but I don’t believe him
Why should I
I’m nothing, im not important to him
I feel like trash compared to the other girls he’s been with
He can do better then me

I want help and I need it but I don’t know where to get it
Self medication isn’t helping anymore
And it will get worse
I just know it
I know me
People will always worry,
           That doesn't make me hate it any less.
People will always worry,
                 But I don't have much of a choice I guess.
People will always worry,
                             I hate that word so, so much.
People will always worry,
                                        It just has a sour sort of touch.
People will always worry,
People will always worry,
People will always worry,
People will always worry,
                                         All because of that one night,
                                                                        When I tried to shut out the light.
On this day three years ago,
                                             I was given up for adoption.
On this day three years ago,
                                             I was no longer wanted.
On this day three years ago,
                                             I lost everything.
On this day three years ago,
                                             I was torn apart.
On this day three years ago,
                                             I gave up.
On this day three years ago,
                                             I found out I wasn't enough.
On this day three years ago,
                                             My life was no longer mine.
This day three years ago was my bio moms birthday, also the day I didn't get to go home.
Bardo Feb 29
He died... died on a dung hill, on a
   manure heap
A little kitten, a lovely.... the cutest
   little thing
Just appeared one day, one cold
   Winter's morning
At the bottom of our back garden
Appeared out of nowhere so it
   seemed, just sitting there
I seen him out the kitchen window,
The other two bigger cats we had
They seen him too
They went up to him immediately
They hissed and spat at him
Hit him a few times with their paws
It was like they were saying:
"You're not wanted here, this is our domain, our territory, Keep out! Keep
  away!
But he just sat there, taking it all
Not even trying to defend himself.
Now I didn't want another cat, we had
   two already
I was only young, a boy, had no job,
   no money
We were just feeding them, feeding
    them on scraps,
But you just couldn't help feeling
   sorry for him
Sitting out there in the cold,
   unwanted and unloved
My young boy's heart, it went out to
   him
Eventually I took him out some milk
   and some food
I petted him on the head
In a strange way he reminded me a
   bit of myself
" Seems like the whole world is
   against you too, little fella" I said
But his little head, it remained
   bowed, his eyes closed, looking in
       on himself,
I left him there,
Of the milk he never touched a drop
And the food, never even looked at it
He just sat there so still and so quiet,
When I went out a little while later
I found him, his little body all stiff
   and cold...frozen in the cold
"This isn't a world for little things", I
   thought,
" there are no miracles here, no
    fairytales.....
And there ain't no happy endings
   either
(They lied to us)".
I buried him.
I think I buried a part of myself as
   well that day.
The kitten poem, a true story, it always haunted me, that kitten and there were other cats who came to bad endings. I suppose I was a lonely kid, I grew up in a lovely area and had some really close good friends. But then we moved to another town, when I went to school, now secondary school I knew no one, not a soul. I hated it. The others all had friends as they'd gone to primary school together. I was an outsider, I knew no one, at lunch breaks you'd wander around alone by yourself. The lessons too, were harder and the teachers too were scary. It was so different and so intimidating. And there was no one who would understand. And then one evening this friendly cat appeared on our window sill. I never had a cat before but she was very friendly. I used feed her and bring her in and she'd sleep by the fire. In those days people were relatively poor and there was no such thing as spending money on cats, kittens would be drowned, if they were sick they'd be left to die.etc. It was a cold brutal world. I suppose this is what this poem is about, a sensitive youngster awakens to the realisation that life is hard and tough with little magic in it.
Jules Oct 2019
The surface here is rough
Feels like a break up
Almost given up
What's up
With us
I’m giving you just the tools to break me

Do it

I Dare You
Kyra Nov 2018
I’ve stopped running.

I don’t know if that means I’ve found a reason to stay,

           or that I’ve just given up.

~k.hem
Dj Oct 2018
although the years have now come and gone,
one thing i have never ceased to stumble apon,
was the extent to your personality; a touch of savage with
a heavenly grace,
while most boys would stop at the simple beauty of your face.

i may have choose wrong to attempt to stay away,
but ive always admired you beyond great dismay,
although my last hope of love with you may have far past expired,
with these drugs my broken heart and soul may be rewired,

but as long you may remain happy,
i must avoid all chance of getting sappy,
and every day that my mind may pass my own self regret,
for the lack of my actions in being a clueless boy; my mind shall
be forced to accept the unspeakable debt,

time after time it appeared to be only you reaching out your hand,
to your power i could not make words i found it hard too so much as stand,

and perhaps one day, i will once again, find the willpower to live,
thats so far lost; i may as well be a inmate ;in for life and bleeding out stuck with a shiv,

but then and only then my fire may reignite
finally past this existence, maybe even a delight

but until then ill keep up my smile,
cause i know apon a moments gaze; we both know its been awhile,

but can you really blame me; for years straight
after i only wanted our unhealthy love to wait

you treated me like i was nothing not even real, every time i tried ; or at least thats how you made it feel,
up until you decided to date my best friend now your both over there...

until i regain my emotional strength i may disassociate n pretend to not so much as care.
and i refuse to even acknowledge your attempt to openly declare,
about my lack of presence unaware,
that my dreams of you have  just been those mistaken but of nightmares,

from the image of forever chasing you down the halls,
as all im left with is a false fading sense of hope ;awhile i move on to success and building up my protective walls,

even though i knew my chase would never come to a fair end,
but given all my assets; im still mainly heartbroken that once apon a time i lost such an amazing best freind....
Quin Rosenheart Aug 2018
Drink until I give up
Drink until I die
I've done my share
I've tried to save
But now I say goodbye
BaileyMarie Jul 2018
It’s been a long and painful few years
and I just can’t keep wasting all these tears
I’ve learned that nothing in life is forever
and everything will tear you down
you can only trust yourself & you can only give yourself the love you deserve
but that was something I was never strong enough to do
I never was strong enough to put my faith in God and just love myself
I always looked for love in the eyes of one night stand lovers
I never gave myself the love I truly deserved
now I’m stilling here writing this and all the people that has every touched my life in any way
and it hurts to say goodbye
but maybe this is the goodbye I need to set myself free
free from all the pain
free from all the stress
free from being hurt and abandoned
so good or not
this is the last one I’ll ever write
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