The consequences of your actions
Are a burden I suppose I asked for
When I agreed to belong to you
When I offered you sanctuary in my arms

Yet tonight - they are so heavy
And I no longer wish to carry them
My legs are so tired darling
Please just admit that you were wrong

My legs are so tired darling
Break the generational chain that binds us to this nonsense.

This will be my first Christmas in eight years without you
And it's nearly brought me to my knees
I waited for you
I waited
The one thing you apparently can't do
Everyone leaves
Everyone
EVERYONE LEAVES
but .  .  .
I never thought it would be you.

This will always be our season
Even though
You Lied, Love

My heart is beating too fast
It's like you're alive again
With a gun in your mouth
Or a knife in your hand
A half bottle worth of pills in your mouth
And my heart is beating too fast
Hoping you'll take every other beat for yourself
But you're gone
But the feeling still lingers
But I wasn't enough
But my heart is beating too fast

*The Suicide Diaries

I'm not well
Deep down I feel it
The wanting
For what I am unsure
It sits in my chest
On my ribs
Beside my heart
Beating away at the same pace
Desperate longing
Some kind of sadness
The type not so easily
Expelled by things in bottles
And I want to silence it
Make it be still
Just for a moment
So I can continue on
Pass this
Let go of the fatigue
Of the hopelessness
And just be

I don't know why
I'm surprised-
I'm vain and I always
Overestimate my worth

Sometimes it isn't the reality of death that shakes us, but simply the loss of beautiful life.

We're all writing about the same things
Love and Pain and Loss
It´s like a record skipping
Over and over
Even I'm guilty
Pointless repetition
The same old sorrows
Yesterday and tomorrow
When will it ever end?
Every poet knows the pain
The release
Of fingers on keys
Typing instead of bleeding
Even though it's the same thing
But we just keep repeating
Again and again
When will it end?
*When will it end?

Inked lines on my wrist
To map out my death
You left me like this
You left a mess

Now you're fast asleep
In the sweet silence of
Six foot deep

And I'm still alive
Breathing even and
Playing with knives

And I'm still alive
Looking through
All the blood in my eyes

*The Suicide Diaries

I need something tonight
Something that isn't gentle.
I need teeth leaving marks on my flesh.
A hand pulling my hair.
I need a wall against my back.
Arms to lift me, bend me, control me.
I need to battle.
To hurt.
I need someone to moan in my ear.
To scream.
I need bruises and aches.
I need to wake up tomorrow hurting.
To see the evidence of beautiful violent passion.
I need to be painted black and blue.
I need to feel.
Oh God I need to feel.

You deserve the world baby
A pretty wife
A good life
I can give you half that
How about that?
I'd give you everything if I could
I swear to you baby I would
But our daughter would live like me
That's not how life is supposed to be
I love you more than words can express
It's a ******* shame about the rest
Just please, please don't leave me
I love you more the less you believe me
Don't hate me now baby

My father is an old man
Once upon a Time he was a cold man
He was almost always a good man
The kind where you knew where you stood, man.

My father raised loud daughters
My father raised proud daughters
My father raised daughter that said yes with no question
Who's no's were not a suggestion

My father raised strong daughters
Beside you when nights got long daughter
My father raised stern daughters
Daddy raised you get what you earn daughters

My father raised daughters that would fight a grown man
But know when to stay silent and when to raise a hand
Daddy raised daughters that don't need a man
Daddy raised daughters just like he planned

And those daughters became mother's
Cousins
Aunt's
And their daughters are difficult women
Loud women
Proud women

Because daddy looked around and didn't like what he saw
He saw weak men
Like to drink men
He saw men who beat their wives
He saw men waste their lives
He saw men who would suffice
To sleep next to his daughter the rest of his life

So Daddy raised women to be strong
And sat beside them when nights got long
He never had titles, power, or wealth
In his old age he barely has his health
But daddy gave me more than money or fame
Daddy gave me his spirit and gave me his name

Sometimes it is not the reality of a death that shakes us,
But the absence of beautiful life.
How I do so tire of watching all of the beautiful things
Wilt and die.

Everything that I loved once has died
The people, the pets, the respect in other's eyes
Everything that I have created since will soon be gone
The people and the places will both have moved on
I am tired of rebuilding and sick with hopeless longing
I will have nothing if I am left only with my belongings
What will it look like when I have to start anew
Will I find the person who knows what I've been through
I fear he will slip through my fingers and fade like the rest
Of everything I have suffered that would be the greatest test
The only reason I am alive is love and the feeling of being needed
However life wants to take both of those and thus-far it has succeeded
Please hope for me

You're royalty
In your own kingdom
Tables lined with spirits
Because you love to drink your dinner

You're rich with emotions
Only emotions I'm afraid
For your treasure is all fools gold
Though it's tried so hard to prove its worth

You're a king covered in lies
Drunk on the life you could've had
Perched on a throne of hard-luck
Holding onto pyrite for dear life

But you are the golden man

You lied, love
In two years I will have known you
For half of my short life
I wanted to spend the rest of it with you
Give you my part of this world
Sleep on your chest
Hold your hand in grocery stores
Take your picture in the afternoon sunlight
Drink coffee with you too late in the evenings
So I could stay up with you all night
You could've picked the colour of our front room
Helped me drip paint all over the floor
I gave myself to you
In the quietest ways
I thought of you to fall asleep
Looked for you when I woke up
I waited endlessly for you to arrive
To come back
For something, anything to show that you hadn't disappeared
I mourned for you
Cried real years at the loss of our imaginary world
I've wished you eight Merry Christmas's
Carried you with me into the New Year
Missed you for more minutes than I've loved you
But for what?
I've got nothing to show
You're starting a new life
And so am I
Me with him
You with her
We could've had it together
But
You lied, love

I swore that I was never going to do this again.
I was never going to have another sleepless night
Staying up convincing someone to live
When I could have been sleeping,
Or reading,
Or dreaming.
When I could have been doing anything but that.
I swore I was never going to play
The Sleeping Or Dead game
With another person I care about.
No more driving around at one in the morning
Tapping on windows to make sure
Someone was still breathing.
I swore I was never going to do any of it again,
But here I am.
I tell myself to stay away.
Not to get involved if I see it.
I swore that I would never care again.
That I would never try again.
Never would I feel the pain of loss again
Yet Here I Am
Living in this moment,
While you're slowly dying

*The Suicide Diaries

I traced the lines of your tattoos
While we drank wine in the living room
Mixed cigarette smoke with my perfume
We had no one else and nothing to lose

Winter comes and there you are
Coming to thaw my cold, cold heart
Warmer days kept us apart
But snow would fall and a fire would start
  
Fingertips on tattered keys
We were Gods in a world we'd never see
Painting a picture of intimacy
You made art out of little old me

Years went by that I spent waitin’
For you to be in our bed again
I checked in everyday back then
Sometimes you'd stop by but I'd never know when

The word Boston tastes like you now
I'd like to forget it but I don't know how
I remember painting the front room of our house
And making love to you when you tried to walk out

Come run your fingers through my hair
We can stay in bed all day in our underwear
Our house feels empty without you there
I still hear your footsteps coming up the stairs

I try my best not to think about us
Or how you used to get so jealous
Our story is old and covered in dust
But I promise to remember you every Christmas

Take my past and hold it against me
Till its white hot
And brands itself onto my ribs
Twist my drunken slurs
And turn them into knives
That stab you when your back is turned
Remind me again
That I can't be trusted
Not that I've given you a reason
To think that that's so

Rumor has it
That I am a liar
A *****
A cheat
Can't trust me
Rumor has it
That I am shacked up
******* off
Leeching from
Some old guy
Rumor has it
That I ran off
Disappeared
Abandoned ship
Just because I could
Rumor has it
That I'm nowhere
Don't care
Beware
Stay away from me
Rumor has it

Truth is
I don't care
What rumors say
Or what you think
But you wonder why
I ran away
Truth is
You made me do it

25 Jan. 2016
2 years 3 months later
Monday
Dear Riley,
I’m not happy anymore baby. Where are you to care?
-Love, Me
P.S. I miss you

*The Suicide Diaries

Hey Nichole I know you're mad.

I guess that's why I'm writing - just to say I'm sorry. Take care of my horses, my dad, and my mommy. I'm writing to you because I hope you'll understand. I know this isn't who I am. I know I had a plan, but lately the future hasn't been getting any clearer. Things about me have started to disappear. I'm beginning to lose sight of who I am. I'm a taken apart puzzle and all my pieces are second hand.
On the other side I'm not sure of what waits, but today I'm willing to risk hell fire for a chance at heaven's gates. I know I was a liar, a glutton, and a cheat - but I fall in love with something about everyone I meet. I'm banking on my love and empathy for my fellow man. I know God's a good guy. I hope he'll understand. Who knows, maybe this is part of his plan?
Maybe the beginning of their lives will be the end of my time. No one said it was fair but that's the bottom line. Life is painful, cruel, and unforgiving. Lately I've found it harder to find a reason to keep living.
I guess I should end this since I've started to ramble on, but this piece will be my last so it's allowed to be long. At the same time this isn't what I want you to remember once I'm gone. Please don't read it to my mom. She'll take it all wrong.
I hate to put this on you since I can't take it upon myself, but this is what I have to say to everyone else. Please remind them that I love them, that they made the good days of my life the best. Remind them that life will go on even after I'm at rest. To throw away the bad and smile about what's left. Even if they hate me tell them that's ok. That was what I was expecting when I decided to go away.
Leave out the part where I know that this was the coward's way out. The way that I spent years preaching about. Tell my dad that I wish I could've waited till he was gone, but that the nights were too long and that my hope had moved on. Tell my mother that God is with her and that he giveth and taketh away but that I will be there waiting when she gets to heaven one day.
For you children I leave only my regrets that I will not be around to see them when they are at their best, and that I know they will lead lives full of happiness. Tell them that I am proud and even when they're down I will be the person sitting on a cloud, cheering loud.
To all of my ******* friends. Nothing I can say will ever make amends. About them I almost feel the worst because out of all of us it makes no sense that I would go first. After all the drinking, the cigarettes, and tears I think they expected me to be there for another hundred years. Standing at their wedding or sitting by their bed. Never did they expect I'd be a voice inside their heads. Tell them that I believe in them and that they don't have to try their best if they can only manage less then they should get some rest. As hypocritical as it sounds remind them that this isn't the way and that life will only get better if you live another day.
To those in my life who held me in a lovers embrace there are so many things I should have said to them face to face. Like thank you for seeing beauty beyond all my faults. Thank you for fighting to get through my walls. Even when I was angry, or missing, or scared thank you for standing by my side even if you didn't belong there. There were many sacrifices that all of them made for love so deep that it had to be fate. I know now it's too late but I should've never made them wait.  I hate repetition but I'm sorry that I always leave for reasons you may never see that stem from my own insecurities. Those things that haunted me and sat behind my eyes from the way I always lied to the scars between my thighs. I love you I swear it to be true. I love you. I do. Through and through and through. You were enough even if I made you feel like less and in this life I wish you eternal happiness and I hope whichever woman holds you through the this life is truly the best.
And I'm so sorry Nikki that I lost all control so far away when you didn't even know, and I know I could've called you and you would've come to take me away. I thought about it each and every day, but what can I say. We had the conversation at least a hundred times the reasons I was chained here all came down to bottom lines so now I write this letter and it's fitting that it rhymes because poetry is so much better when you're cutting ties. Thank you for being a partner and a friend. I'm sorry that I couldn't see our plans through to the end and when you look at your wrist always think of me - flowing through your veins in an ink manatee. I will be beside you even when my life has faded, but you would've gone first if I had waited. These days I am selfish, frightened, and vain. I couldn't have seen a headstone adorned with your name. When you're holding my ashes and placing them in little jars think fondly of the memories that are no one else's but ours. I will be with you on the river that we call life. You're a wonderful friend, mother, and wife. In this life behind you I will sit, helping to steer through rough waters like in the ducky when we still made use of it. If you lose your paddle or the current pulls you down, I will be with you and I will never let you drown.
I love you and I'm sorry that it had to end this way. That I lived so much life then just gave up one day. It's ok that you're angry because I would be too. The last time you almost died was the last time I was mad at you. But please pass on this letter and keep most of it for yourself. There's a reason that I gave this to you and absolutely no one else.

I know that I am selfish and I'm so, so sorry. I love you Nikki.
-Jackie

I'll sing you to sleep
One last time
While you're still alive
And I hear you breathing
I'll kiss you goodbye
One last time
While you're still alive
Before I feel you leaving
I want to hold your hand
While you slip away
Before the start of the day
While I still believe in life
And all it's beautiful colors
Did it hurt when you left me alone?
I don't want to go home
I don't want to stay out
I don't wanna be alive
How are you gone and I've survived?
You were my air
You were always there
When I was sick
When you were tired
We were both so blind
To what the future held for me
I guess I couldn't see
Myself, without you
Being there
You had to go
This I know
But it still burns
In my soul
That you're gone
It just feels so wrong
I tried my best
Nothing less for you
I did what I could do
But the voices in your head
They got the best of what I said
They took you
On the nights that you bled
From your wrists
In my head
Since I couldn't see you
Or kiss you goodnight
They still linger
In my eyes
In the mirror
You're still here
Please don't leave me alone
Let me breathe you in
One more time
Let me do it again
Tell you to live
When you wanted to die
Then I started to cry
And you loved me enough to stay
I miss things being that way
When you still cared
Enough to be there
Just one more night

*Please Just Give Me One More Night

"We need to talk."* you say, "Give me twenty minutes of your time, you owe me that at least."
That sounds a lot like leaving to me,
But I could just be getting my hopes up.
The other night I strayed from you.
I'll never tell you,
But he was pure and I had to ruin him.
Just like I did you so long ago.
I fell asleep in someone else's arms.
I swore I would never do that didn't I?
You learned long ago that my promises dissolve in the rain.
I love you.
Don't get me wrong.
I love you very much.
Too much.
So much that this is difficult.
I won't miss it at first,
But I will later.
Go on ahead, Love.
Leave me.
We'll be okay.

It would've been so easy
Just to part my lips
And drink him in
But instead I thought of you
Not how much I love you
Or how much you mean to me
But that you deserve better
Than what I was about to do
In that moment I realized
That I am with you as a favor
Not as a lover
Like you've always wanted me to be
So this isn't goodbye
Not today
Perhaps not tomorrow
I'll be here until the luster wears off
And I'm no longer shiny and new
Then I'll have my goodbye
Just like I always wanted to

Do not make the mistakes that I have
             Let the broken people be broken
       Understand without really understanding
                              Never try too see things as they do
                                             For the more you see as they do
The more like them you will become
             Until you yourself are broken
                              I saw beauty in life till they came along
                                              Now it is empty
Except for the opportunity to understand
             I live to understand
                              To be broken but appear strong
                                               Even though I have held a bottle
My hand shook, but I wasn't afraid
             My eyes were wet but I could not cry
                              I wasn't ready but I wasn't afraid
                                               In that moment I could've died
Leave the brokenness to those who have caught the disease
             Watch them waste away in mournful silence
                             Try not to understand what makes them that way
                                              Or partake in the pinch of a blade
I know you are strong, but so was I
              I was above all the things that crippled them
                              Now here I am shaking on my stilts
                                               Do not try to understand the broken people
                                                          ­             Do Not Be Like Me
*The Suicide Diaries

Where are you today baby?
Where's my forever and always?
You're supposed to be here
Singing me stupid songs
And whispering in my ear
Where's my ******* hug
Where are my ******* love notes
Where are you?
I promised I wouldn't be sad.
And you promised not to leave.
When did we start breaking promises?
Where's you living for me?
Like you were a hero.
Coming in to be better than the last guy.
The first guy.
The next guy.
Instead you became another glass of spilled milk.
Something I'm not supposed to cry over.
But I ******* do it anyway.
Because I love you.
And you left me.
Now I'm sad
And where the **** are you?
Just a memory of someone
That's fading as fast as I can think of you.
Where are you?

*The Suicide Diaries

I need a little pain every once in a while
Recreationally I suppose
Just to remind me that the taste of life isn't always sweet
Refresh me on why I'm here
To help people through the same thing
To me it's like ******
I love the pain
Savor it
Crave it when it's not around
The withdrawals rock me
My next fix is always better than the last

I'm begging you to stay
Before November Comes
To take you away

*The Suicide Diaries

"This morning
I colored the sunrise
With my tears
And tonight
When my head
Hits the pillow
I'll dream of
The wrong person
And I guess . . .
That it just feels
Very lonely
Help me
Please help me
Because I . . .
I don't know
How to do it alone"

*The Suicide Diaries

. . . Maybe if I learn . . .
. . . . . . . Another language . . . . . . .
. . . . From a different time . . . .
. . Meant for different people . .
. . . . . I could write us . . . . .
. The love story we could have had .

Each day I wake up and I'm smiling
Because I'm one day closer to finally dying
Life isn't so hard if you stop trying
Look happy baby, no one cares if you're crying
I light my cigarette and I take a deep breath
With smoke in my lungs I can finally rest
They tell me it'll **** me, ask me if its worth it
I tell them if it does that would be perfect
I'm tired of living always looking down
Picking pieces of myself up off the ground
I knew a man who finally got out
Of this world made of agony, that's all it's about
A handful of pills and he floated away
Left me in hell to live another day
I told him that without him I wouldn't survive
Yet somehow each morning I wake up alive
It isn't fair that he left me out here alone
Just a few months befor he was meant to come home
Home where he finally would've been okay
It's a shame his own demons came to take him away
I begged him to stay
He couldn't take it one more day
If it hurts it helps
More than anything else
Another cut another bruise another burn
I'm a hypocrite that will never learn
Pushing ideas on everyone else
Begging them to live when I can't convince myself
So I'll keep breathing even when it hurts
Going on with the knowledge that it only gets worse
Just remember that you're living a lie
Life is **** and then you ******* die

*The Suicide Diaries

When youth comes crawling to me
On it's hands and knees
Tears in its eyes
Begging
"Make the pain go away, help me, please."
I simply smile
And kiss it's damp cheek
Then laugh a little laugh
For youth is always weak
You can call me hurtful
You can call me mean
But I crouch down and say to youth
"Don't worry, everyone wants to die when they're seventeen."

                     **The Suicide Diaries

For someone in a wooden box
Buried six foot deep under the earth
Rotting away into nothing but bones
No longer breathing
Heart no longer beating
Skin no longer warm
You sure as hell know how to make a girl's heart race

*The Suicide Diaries

He asked me once
Why I loved him
I had so many answers
But instead
I told him that I didn't mean to
Love just happened
The way love is supposed to

. . . Do you still love me when you are sleeping,
Then will I fit well in your arms?
All that anger you've been keeping,
With your eyes shut can it still do me harm?

I sit here beside you afraid to lie down,
My mind can't rest after everything you've said.
I'm afraid to wake you so I don't make a sound,
I'm not sure why I even came to bed.

I have given you everything but it's not enough,
I am so sad and I feel so alone,
I want to stay but you're making it tough,
I live here but I'm not at home.

Do you still love me when you are sleeping,
Or will you push me away.
Am I something you feel is worth keeping,
Or does it make me stupid to stay?

Do you still love me when you are sleeping . . .

Maybe if I carve my adjectives
Into the very walls that keep you safe
You will finally see me
Since each and every one of you
Seems to have forgotten
Who the **** I am
Perhaps then
You will pass me by
With lips sewn shut
And keep your eyes down
Like good boys
You've gotten me
Angry
Vengeful
Vain
Viscious
So paint that on the inside
Of your glass ******* houses
And use it for target practice
Just know
If I hear one more word from your lips
I'll cut out your vocal cords
And use them to string my
Holy Lyre
To play you sweet songs
About beautiful golden silence
Then perhaps you will learn
That I am not one to be
Whispered about
Maybe you will remember
Who the **** you're standing before
I haven't changed
You've just *forgotten

. . . Forget not
That I am a ship
But you are not the ocean . . .

I'm on your level again
Down at the bottom of the cliff
Broken but alive
Blood trickling out of
The corner of my mouth
Slack-jawed and crying
I followed you off the edge
But you didn't catch me
I caught you a thousand times
But you didn't catch me

*The Suicide Diaries

It was never once a question
Of whether or not she loved me
. . .  Though I did question it . . .
Of course she loved me
She loved everyone
Misfits, rejects, broken hearts
Why would I be different?
But in the end,
That was the question
Was I different from everyone else?
And if so,
Why?
She never once gave me an answer

I'm addicted to your pain
The taste of it
The feel of it
The expression on your face when I break you
The way you grit your teeth when you cry
Pretending to be strong
Feeling like less of a man
You're cold for awhile
You build up your walls
Then I break them down
With soft kisses and whispered promises
Drunken confessions about what I did wrong
I force you to love me
Crush you into submission
Until your heart is mine
To play with and shape like clay
And I'm sorry
You just make it so **** easy
And you know how I love to watch things fall apart

Have you ever cut yourself?
It somehow tastes metallic.
Even if you don't lick the knife.
There's a little blood.
Mixed in with a little pain.
That gives a little urge.
To do it again.

All I want is a love
Like the one we created from nothing
Though it was but a fantasy
It was beautiful
I've searched for something like it
But nothing compares
We fabricated something so perfect
So real
So precious
I'm afraid I'm still reeling from its loss
I'm afraid that I can't start over again
I love you and resent you
You gave me everything that I wanted
Then stole it away
And I miss you
I really do miss you

You're gone and I'm sick with it
Treacherously wounded
My hair is tied in a knot
My stomach is empty
My eyes are dry
But my cheeks are wet
I'm shaking
A cigarettes between my lips
Forehead against the steering wheel
I didn't deserve this
I never did anything to deserve this

*The Suicide Diaries

It's that time of year again
I hoped that no one would ever be
As wary of the season
As frightened of it as me
The loss of life is treacherous
The pain of it never ends
Whether it was someone you once knew
Or one of your closest friends
I'm so sorry to everyone
Who felt this loss today
I'm sorry for this season
I wish it hadn't gone this way

It's like the past comes up to find me again
You and me
Laughing and swearing
Your arms around me
My head on your chest

Now I eat dinner alone
With the lights turned off
And your chair against the wall
Cold food
Tear drops on the table

It tastes like memories
Like your lips after a shot of whiskey
When they kissed my neck
And my eyelids
And my hips

Thank you for the moments
The ones that bring nostalgia
The smell of your t-shirts
The holes in the walls
The smile on my face

Thank You For All The Living