It's that time of year again
I hoped that no one would ever be
As wary of the season
As frightened of it as me
The loss of life is treacherous
The pain of it never ends
Whether it was someone you once knew
Or one of your closest friends
I'm so sorry to everyone
Who felt this loss today
I'm sorry for this season
I wish it hadn't gone this way

. . . "How?" I asked him-
Amazed that he spent nine years in love
With no one to hold for it
How easily I forget
Closing my eyes and trying to feel you
Beside me when you were
So far away

         . . . The sacrifices we make

Lord,
Thank you for this man
Just like I do every day
Lord,
Thank you for this man
I want him to stay
Lord,
Thank you for this man
Please . . . . Please . . . .
Don't take him
Away.
In Jesus name I pray

I woke up this morning and for no particular reason wanted to die.
So I stayed home until that feeling passed, as much as I felt it was going to anyway.
Then I walked out into the world and acted like everything was perfectly alright hoping that maybe I could even convince myself. But the thing about it is, nothing is okay.
I am empty, and I am sad and things like that don't simply go away.

I am a rabbit
And every man in the world
Is a fox
An eagle
A weasle
A dog
A man
I may kick, bite, claw, scream
I may be the biggest rabbit
The strongest rabbit
The rabbit with the most fight
But I am a rabbit
And because I was born as such
The odds are not in my favor

I don't want to do this today
This breathing with air absent of smoke
This sitting and waiting
This living
I don't want to do this today
I want to lay on my back and mix clouds of smoke
With clouds in the sky
So that I don't have to exist here
In my own mind full of emptiness
Where I can't find what's missing

Maybe
You weren't good to me
Because
That's how it was destined to be

It's like the past comes up to find me again
You and me
Laughing and swearing
Your arms around me
My head on your chest

Now I eat dinner alone
With the lights turned off
And your chair against the wall
Cold food
Tear drops on the table

It tastes like memories
Like your lips after a shot of whiskey
When they kissed my neck
And my eyelids
And my hips

Thank you for the moments
The ones that bring nostalgia
The smell of your t-shirts
The holes in the walls
The smile on my face

Thank You For All The Living

Us
With no clothes on
In the daylight
You were holding both my hands
Chest to chest
My legs around you
We made eye contact
As I moaned your name
You leaned in
And kissed my forehead


And it meant nothing to you

There is no rest for me
Even at my best there is
No peace for me
There is a beast in me
But she's asleep, you see
I'm just so tired.
So very tired.

My lips couldn't move-
To make words that could form-
Any beginning of just-
How sorry I am

Where do we go from here
When there's nothing left to do
But surrender
Ourselves
Our thoughts
Our wants
Where is there left to turn
When there isn't
One single thing
Left of you?

I'm trying so hard to love you
I'm sorry that it isn't effortless anymore
I've changed
Things Change
It isn't your fault, Love
I just tend to stray
Searching for whoever I think is out there
Who will save me from this life
Who will save me from myself
Someone who isn't you
Isn't him
Isn't anyone
At least, not around here
*I'm sorry that I don't love you

Darlin' don't you lie to me
I know that you've been with her
Your lips taste like lies, and my thoughts are drifting
You know that it's okay
That's the worst part isn't it?
How easily I'm willing to let you go.
It's bound to happen sometime honey.
You're going to be gone.
I'll be left here by myself to live a life of love.
Love that's cheap like fools gold.
My promises turn my lips green.
Because they are impure even though I try to sell them at a high price.
Don't feel bad about it, Love.
We both knew how we were going to end up.
Us, together, we were never meant to be.
So you go ahead and stray from me.
I'm the wrong path anyway.
The one with thorns while she can give you roses.

Things have changed
Instead of going to bed early
So that Santa will bring me presents
I'm up all night
Dwelling on the reasons why
If he was real
I would wake to find coal in my stocking
Seasons greetings I say
To my regrets of the past year
As they sit wrapped in pretty ribbons
Waiting to be put under the tree

Each breath he took was a beat of my heart.
Every time he blinked or yawned or smiled or cried it supplied air to my lungs.
Every time the sun rose it rose for him and him alone.
Four A.M. falls and I roll over to check the messages that used to be my lullaby.
Now that my heart be still and my lips be without air and my world be without light, how will I ever find sleep?

*The Suicide Diaries

I won't be the one who got away
Because you never had me in the first place
I'm just a ghost
Waiting to be a memory
That'll put a smile on your face
Because I'm so far away
And you'll never taste me again

Who will I find
Tonight
When I walk through our
front door?
I miss you all the
time
You haven't left the house for days
I'm with you
Always
But lately
I sleep
Alone
While you lie beside
me
I want to
Touch you
With all of my
Clothes
On
Baby come home

Sew my lips shut
To keep in all the sensations I exhale

Every aching sip of sadness

OR* tangy bout of rage

They are my art
            And without them, I am nothing

What am I today?
Am I sadness?
Am I longing?
Am I regret?
Who am I today?
Am I a lover?
Am I a mistake?
Am I everything?
Where am I today?
Am I with you?
Am I on your mind?
Am I running?

The thought of you
Leaves a bitter feeling in my chest
I miss you when we lived behind lies
Pretty pictures to help us get by
Back when I loved you in a way I can no longer find
I miss you, love
I miss you so much

Every day
I run boxes
To the doorsteps of -
Magnificent houses
With stone porches
And towering windows
That smell like wood fires
During the winter
And flowers during the summers
With driveways that stretch nearly a mile
Winding
Winding
Winding
Down hills
To overlook acres, many acres
Of land
They are materialized dreams

And on every
mountainous stone porch
Or tree trunk of a door
Or posted at the very bottom of the endless winding drive-
There is a doormat
Or a plaque
A cut metal sign
"The Miller's"
"THE SHERMANS"
"Svobda"
"Kate & Rex"

And I am momentarily so sad
So jealous
Because that is all I want

The woman inside has a husband
With a good job
And a big smile
And her parents love him
And he is nice to her
And he built her a PALACE
And that's all I want
Is OUR last name on a plaque beside the door
But I may never have that
No matter how hard I work

.Sanctuary.
I offered it to you
And everyone
Anyone
When it was meant for me all along.

Someone save me from my own understanding

I am a ****
And a *****
And all of those things
That I didn't want to be

I hope you're happy

You made me this way
Then made me ashamed of it
Someday I'll get through that

Maybe this isn't a poem so much as it is a letter. Not that it's anything new since once upon a time I wrote you a book. I only looked you up because I've been watching a show that has a big display of your type of crazy. It made me think of us for the first time in a very long time. I hate most of the things about you. The way you talk. The things you like. I hate your music, and for the sake of rhyming I hate your stupid ******* bike. I don't know what it was that kept me around for so long. I guess more than anything it was chemistry, not details that drew me in. The great ***. I don't know anymore I haven't thought about it in so long.
Moral of the story is I looked you up today. You've got a new girlfriend and for a second I was jealous. She's not as pretty as I am. Maybe she loves you more; or maybe just for real. All I know is I'm glad we're not together, since I missed you for the first time in years just tonight. There was nothing for me in you. Bye now.

Close your eyes
Deep breath
Then another
Do you feel my fingertips
Tracing the planes of your shoulders
My lips skimming the ink of your tattoo?
Count down from ten
Nine . . .
Eight . . .
Can you feel my heartbeat?
It's talking to you
"Sleep, baby, just get some sleep."
Relax, honey
Toes first, cradle your head in your hands
I can see the shadows your eyelashes cast on your cheeks
Let me run my fingers through your hair
Once, Twice
You smell like cigarettes
Do you feel my breath on your neck?
"I love you, sweetheart, goodnight."
Ignore the light from the TV
Focus
One heartbeat. Eleven.
Let me be your lullaby
If you don't sleep
Neither will I

Tell me sugar, where did the love go?
It was there one moment then it dissipated in the next.
I held you, and you kissed my neck.
Then your lips drew blood and I crushed you in my grip.
We tried to hold on.
But it was too late, the love was already gone.
I'll miss you.

I want to smash this whiskey bottle
On the floor
And roll around in the mess
Then maybe
It will burn like it's meant to

I've got scars
             not the kind you can see
       Mine bleed on the inside
                           In the same places yours bleed into the sink
                 I've never taken a knife to my flesh
                                  But you've cut me with words
       I miss you
                  I can't believe you've been gone so long
         My shot glass has your name on it
                        So I can remember why I'm drinking
                You left me here alone
                              And I'm struggling through
                        Point is Darlin'
                                     *I love you

I've caught myself low again
In a pretty place
Where my troubles can't find me
I guess it goes to show
Distance can't fight sadness
When it sits in your soul

*Maybe tomorrow it'll be better

Its like the blood brings out the sour parts of me
My mind wanders to the forbidden side
Where all the things I left behind seem to hide
I do well in my walk in the light
There's no temptation for my soft side to fight
Then I find blood and things start to change
I think of all the naughty things a few sentences could arrange
In all the things I know I find ways to conjure doubts
That tell me to throw away the thing I can't live without
And that's exactly why when I had the chance I ran away
Away from all the people and all the things they'd say
I'm finally planted firmly with roots deep in the ground
And no one is whispering about my secrets when I'm not around
So why does the blood bring so much poison to my mind
A million naughty thoughts, one of each kind
I'm not a liar. I don't cheat.
But the blood tells me to love every person that I meet.
God gave me a gift and my side of the bargain I will uphold
I'm strong enough to surpass pyrite in my quest for solid gold
This man is my today, my tomorrow, and my best friend
Which is why I will stay strong until the blood trickles to an end

Let us pretend no longer.
That we know who we are or where we’re going.
That history its self does not repeat.
That we will be all we want to be.
Let us pretend no longer
That our promises don’t dissipate like smoke.
That lies don’t fall from our lips
That goodbye is hard to say

Let us pretend no longer

You aren't here
And I wish you were

.       let
                                  me in
  to
                                                your
        sacred spaces
                                       so
                                                         i can
    decorate
                            your
                                                  altar
           with
                                     lipstick
                                                        stains
     and
                                                   expired
                                  rose
                                         petals

             let me be your offering.

Tell me where to go now
That the essence of you
Is just a distant memory
Like the smell of fresh flowers
*In the dead of winter

The problem we are having
Is that I am at peace with myself
Which means only
That I am at war with you
And I fight so hard
To be enough
I try to be sweet enough
Clean enough
Happy enough
Awake enough
**** enough
Forward enough
Modest enough
Reclusive enough
Home early enough
On your schedule enough
But enough is enough
You claim you are leaving
I hope you either treat me properly
Or this time you just go

I ****** you
And you didn't even like it

I took my clothes off
In the daylight

And it wasn't good enough for you

"I'm bad with words. Judge my actions."

That was a trap

Because you told me exactly what it was
But let me read into it how I wanted

I've never been played in my life
But you're a manipulative *******
Who let me love you for your benefit

You’re sitting in the eye of the storm, love
Don’t you dare move, or it’ll blow you away
I am a hurricane
And you’re an umbrella that got caught up in me
And won’t escape in one piece

You’re wrapped in my coils, love
I am the snake with hypnotic eyes
And you are the boy who fell into my trap
Keep breathing while you can
I’ll suffocate you before you ever get free

You’re treading water, love
I am the ocean
And you’re just a swimmer braving the waves
You should’ve stayed on the shore
Because the undertow will drown you

You’re caught in the lie, love
It fell off my lips
And it said that I love you, and that I’ll be good
Go ahead and believe me
I’ll smile as I break you

You’re just a fool, love
You thought you could own me
But I belong to the world
And it tastes better than your happiness
It feels better in my arms

Breaking News
I still want to die

My apologies darlin'
That I made you feel human for a moment
So human that it drove you
To bite
The only hand
That has ever fed you
In any way that mattered at all

I'm sorry for meaning something