Left it alone before it began
My intentions were right
My heart was set on loving again
I did my best, but the girl was merely my friend
The end was not in sight
Only there to pass by time
I needed to keep lonely by my side
I needed to speak up to keep my heart sane
For I could’ve saved heartstrings from being tugged in vain

I still remember.
The feeling of my heart exploding inside my chest with every thump.
I can remember my own emotions emptying into my body like acid
I just lay there and cry, ask “why”, moan and mump.
Never putting back together bits and pieces of my heart caused havoc
Emotional warfare. Back and forth.
She struck, I would strike.
So many half conscious actions to play her game when it too, degraded my worth
I was on a heart seek binge, for her love only, thinking, hoping one day it would be right
5 years later I decided to venture into my love-ridden heart and construct
Design a blueprint to reinvent my heart better than before
Even better than before all the scars, all the wrongs, all the obliteration
One that would convince my mind to make choices that were unconditional
If I’m to do it it’s because I would do it again and mean it each time
A heart that can be the guiding vessel I need everytime I’m losing course
Leading myself on a heart seek binge for my love only and a better love to come
I will remember

It started as a helpful gesture

There’s a moment where the world always tries to take control
Of the things that you think and the way you read your signs
Everybody reads without knowing it, every small piece of sense that comes to their energy
I took a shower moments ago thinking all these thoughts that I only thought I would remember, that would stick to the walls of my imagination and be able to write them down after I left the box of high pressure rain
Maybe it was the running water beating against every inch of my body that gave me such thoughts that only I could be thinking, right?
Like how the tears of men could never compare to the tears women drown themselves in..
Could it have been the music within the infinite raindrops the shower head provided provoking my intriguing thesises that popped into my subconscious
What if I never turned the shower sprinkler off.. would it ever truly stop running? I’m too broke to test this experiment at the time.
Why is it that I run into these stories of women being beaten and accepting what they do, all because that black/ and or white man is their universe, their galaxy, the only thing they can’t seem to escape even though the possibility has approached them many.. many times.
Even though this is only the first night it has occurred that I endured being a helping hand only to lend an ear as well to hear and listen to such a lifeless story. I feel like it is all I’ve experienced from the time my conscious eye could see.. maybe not continuously, time after time, but two in a row? Two female entities stories that bring me to what I have been casted into the world with nightmares with? For what possible reason?? in my questioning Shakespearean poetic soul voice of thought maybe I act as a healing spirit to women like this because of my condoling heart.
To think this whole plateau of letters put together to create words and my indulging previous shower thoughts, came from the question & answer “you need a lighter still?” What if she was lying about the man she seems to be “trapped” with? The world cannot fool me, I know these men exist. What if she made up these stories and the pictures you saw from six years ago were once real, but now continuously happening, a fluke? Pshh, why put these devious thoughts to my brain matter and soul spirit when I know and felt and saw the bumps and bruises of that girls body that broadcasted such a relatable story of reality.. because you want me to feel weak like the men and police who could never stand up to and stop the things of a man that they are inferior to. The world would like me to fall so unconsciously.. and that is exactly what will happen, once my body is too old to support the strong soul that overpowers it.
Enough about me.
Could she have provoked it.. I could see it the way she was smacking my stern chest when I went about my own influence, after I would speak my bold words of seducement while she was feeling on my lower stomach and upper pelvis. She was all over me at one point with me being the intriguing man I am, I thought she would either provide a ******* or oral *** for me going out of my way for her troubles. Nope just a couple soft smacks to the chest, but me.. bow to such a weak ***** out her right minds actions and be equal? Never. The thing about weak drunk people.. they always do and forget. Me, a strong cautious minded human being, do & remember.. even if it hurts. Like writing this piece of possible or impossible deja vu. My life is a hook & anything that crosses it see, is the bait and dinner.
Meanwhile, learning this story all I could think about is the oral compensation I wanted from giving this woman a ride. Some head.. a thank you.. something along either of those lines. Neither happened. ******* is all I was really aiming for after I sensed she was into me, calling me fine over and over & wanting to sit and waste somebody’s time. I conceived it as that after the fact I returned home and began to write this.
What if though, the story that she spoke of, of the police and even her own mother being such insubordinate cowards to their “right” and true morals and never helping this woman who they claimed was “making this stuff up” to stick up for the abusive man even though she had pure raw evidence that he was an abuser.. and never helping her because they were truly scared of some *****-made “man” being & I was the ear to be spoken to that took it serious. Fools. Is what the lowball Michigan City police are. Bigger fools is what the woman and the man are. They deserve to **** each other if that’s what the world keeps pushing towards, for these pointless drunken addicted souls.
Even if I did care, why would I change it. Why risk my peace to save a woman that clearly doesn’t care to be saved. there’s a million miles to run away to.. attachment is such a weird vice. Or could I just be looking at this the wrong way still. It would take a knowledgeable doctor to break this down and come up with an answer, which I could possibly be. So my answer with being knowledgeable, but not a doctor.. is broken love is such a strong evil in this world. Because it still has the potential to be love but it just never will because it is broken in too many places.

The days pass by like strangers on an open road
Never giving any true company or someone to care about the heart I hold
I’m probably the same stranger to them except I do care and I try to let it show
The days are like most people, all the same with no where but the same place to go

There’s a guy with a broken smile that I work with
I walk around with a broken mind that used to be so much more full of charisma, probably like the smile of his
We could say we broke it ourselves, or we could blame it on the influence the world had to give, or we could blame it on the path that some miraculous unimaginable force that nobody ever has any true knowledge of that did it because that’s what it does to strong people like me and him.

I adventured to the woods by one of the middle schools in my small town. Krueger outdoor environmental science center. It was towards the beginning of the end of a normally lengthy winter so there was still plenty of snow to cover most of the ground.
Plenty of birds talking in their chirp language and plenty of rodents footprints from playing in the snow that covered the wooded foundation of earth. I found my way to a frozen little pond where it comes just off the creek to its own little basin of water. I slid on the solid ice and had my fun just like the free little bunnies, squirrels, and whatever land animals resides in these beautiful woods. I could tell they had their fun on the ice play land too because I could see the image of their tracks imprinted in what snow was laying on the face of the ice. There’s a decent sized dam at the start of the trail right next to the creek I was walking, what a relaxing view it was with the sound of the water rushing down it like a waterfall to the continuing side of the miles long creek. I came to a little divot in the trail where a small slanted hill dips down into the creek and it’s chilled water. I sat here on this hill to write this piece while the sun shines down directly on me keeping me warm and comfy while writing. Such a peace defining moment where you get to notice every little detail of the extraordinary nature life we’re given to observe and experience. The way pieces of tree bark, little sticks, leaves, and sediment float atop the creek water going whichever direction the drift carries them. The smell of damp dirt as I rubbed my hands in it to remember what it was like to be a kid and not care to play in the earth. More so just to be human, to be a mammal and bring myself one with the crusted surface and connect with the earth that homes my body and soul. There was a huge doe and buck playfully frolicking across the creek side I was sitting from; I only noticed them at first because they made their loud exhales of breath to communicate they were there. Either that or they were just breathing so heavy from playing and running for so long with each other aha. They must’ve knew I was friendly and wanted to give me a sight to look at and what a euphoric moment it was to enjoy the picture of them playing together. I went to get a closer look at the water and maybe dip my hands in it. I failed to notice how muddy the hill was and almost lost my footing in the sludge as I went down and barely escaped taking a swim in the freezing cold creek! While I was at the bottom of the hill I washed the mud off my hands from catching myself by palming the grime and not letting myself slip down any further. I know the birds got a kick out of watching me struggle not to take a dive into that ice cold water that I was so frantically trying to stay out of! =‘D I had to drop my phone just to stay on land and when I picked it up I noticed there was mud all over the casing of it! I wiped it off on my sweatshirt that I had already gotten mud all over the sleeve of from plunging to my elbows and hands and just kept writing. Or typing, whichever you want to call it on these cellular devices. After I sat there and soaked in the moment that nurtured my indulging senses for a while I simply got up and continued to the end of this trail. Then I back tracked through the trail and took some more time to go ice skating in my normal shoes. I followed my own footprints back onto the trail that I veered off of to find the little frozen over pond and went for a jog back to my warm cozy home and published this piece of simple writing explaining my adventurous and funny morning I had. Never forget to do this when you have free time from responsibility and the reality society in America has created for this generation. Explore your youthful intuition and let nature be one of the best friends you could ever ask for!

Can’t you hear the wailing sounds of peace that silence provides
“I am here to comfort you in times of confusion that gets loud in life”
Said the silence without speaking a word
You could feel that the silence only has spoken truth
Without making a noise you could bare every sound that silence has to introduce
Don’t mistake me for uncomfort or less livening just beware because silence likes to be loud too

Every time I look, I don’t always watch
Every time I cook, I don’t always use pots
Anytime it’s too much, I never know how to stop it
Anytime I’m outta luck, I reallign all my options
Now every time I look, I always pay attention
Every time I’m shook, I make sure I stay connected
Now anytime I love, I’m gonna do it the smartest
Now anytime I’m up, I always make sure I go the hardest

They’re like little shreds of confetti falling before the congrats and then it never comes
It’s like me kissing on you steadily down to your pant line and coming back up
It’s like you sending me pictures of your own personal art but I can never touch
Teasers are measly just like this poem you enjoyed it but didn’t get much.

Some egos collide , some fall down in shambles
Soon only to strive , and relive once what they used to gamble
Mine stays clear and always right by design, I tend to build rather gamble
For my family is guided, they just keep on jammin

Remember using this title as a kid in school, so young, no feel
Figured I’d use it and put my grown spin, less imagination and more real
There’s treasure in the sea you see you just have to hook and reel
One fish lost but another to come guaranteed, now I know the deal
We traveled all across from top to sea floor,  it’d be a waste to give the whole spiel  
Cause we got separated by the current of jealousy and blood thirsty sharks
I fought and fought but nothing I did seemed to leave a mark
I couldn’t hold onto you because you wanted to leave me alone and apart
Woulda swam w you till dried up on shore
You weren’t strong enough to fight the hurricane bound to come in the dark
So I go swimming through the deep blue to find my treasured fish in the sea

There’s a difference between waiting, and being patient. I’ve been doin a lil bit a both but I guarantee you now, I’m done waiting. I’m going after .. just being patient.

The first sound of clouds swirling
The first sight of birds chirpin in the tree brim
The first smell of wind touchin your lungs
The first taste of fresh air bathing your skin
The first feel of the past day that is done
Freeing when you wake up early
More time to think, to get things done
Easier to stay afloat and not sink, more fun
Nature in its most vibrant form
Blessings from early morning sun

Sleepless , wanting to sleep less
Do more , see more , be more
Wanting to hear less , feel less , fear less
All because of more , I just want it
I know it’s out there for me to grab and that’s one thing I don’t want to be ..
grabless

No her name didn’t start with an “S” or “K”
Her first name started with an “M” and last name started with a “J”
She was such a beauty, all crystalline sometimes and no makeup ever hid her face
She was different , her green composure sometimes found a little purple lingering adding taste
She was flexible , I could make love to her anyway I want , in a bowl, a ****, wraps, or even create my own ways
I was 13 years old when we first met , she nearly took my life with the first breath
Choking from how strong she hugged my lungs I knew she was the best
She made me laugh from the first kiss until I went to sleep in my cloud-like bed
Some years have passed now and we’ve decided to get married since then
From first sight, first touch, first kiss, first hug, I knew Mary Jane would be my first love and even a better friend. If we ever tend to split I know she’s my first from beginning to end.

You’d never leave : you’re no where to be found.
You’d never hurt me : You put my heart in the ground.
You’d always keep me up : You shot me down.
You’d never lie to me : You made a fib everytime you made a sound.
You’d stay loyal : You made me look like a clown.
You’d always love me : I never feel it when you’re around ..

Sometimes I reminisce about my kid days, sometimes I wish I could go back and be conscious of all the great it was
Well, that was after we escaped the dim days, I’d wake up to a little house with two back yards and adventures awaited us
Me and my lil’ brother that was, we’d fight all day like any siblings
But we tagged along and cooperated too, played games until our eyes needed chillin
We had fun in those woods, dirt bikes, four wheelers, anything with an engine that sounded good
Summertime was the most fun, Fourth of July shenanigans, bein beach bums, winter time sledding and Christmas love
Tried doing things as a family unit as much as possible, going out to dinner with laughing that was unstoppable
Visiting my workaholic/lazy grandpa, wasn’t sure if I’d wear him out or he’d wear me out half the time, and my crazy loving nana
Sitting here older all I can do is think, I appreciate and will never let fade the memories of all my kid days.

Now I enjoy all phases of the moon
The curvy crescent just waiting for someone to go sit up there
The healthy half moon , just looking for its twin to feel complete
But the full moon is my favorite , almost like a spiritual emblem to my persona
The full moon is enlightening and I can talk to it like one of my angels
But when it goes new , it goes quiet , vanishing, leaving me wandering
And then pops back up at the perfect time to keep me guided and hopeful
I have to say it’s probably one of my most loyal friends ..

Like a ***** holding up a ceiling tile
My life has been a spiralling circle
Growing upward, getting closer to seeing my angels
While going in circles, living the same life listening and running the same lies
Until I finally come to the point of darkness and utopia and reimburse my time with the ones I miss dearly , in the point of the upward spiral

Just like my life my heart is an atrocious mess
Trying to do right but the only way I seem to go is left
When I try to cry no tears seem to form on my bottom lid

I think of you and my chest feels shot with a volting stun
Sounds stupid but this time I think Cupid said uc the arrow and blasted a gun
When I wanted to help you I lost my mind when my demons wouldn’t let me give you some

I didn’t want to go back to what I knew would end
But my hearts too real and everybody knows we had a past back then
Told myself I’d be there for the moment even tho when it was over I’d want to bury my face in pills & soft dust again

I wouldn’t say my heart is broken cause that already happened a long time ago
But it’s so conflicted and it’s like instead of fixing it I just step on and crunch the broken pieces and **** brain cells so memories drain from my dome
I wouldn’t say you have to forget to fix things but that’s all I wanna do when I get to missing you cause of my heart , just cutting too close

As I write this first poem I think of how you motivate me to do things I always wanted to do but simply just never did it
Like this meditation of words explaining the conflicts in my heart, like a peaceful flashback you give me a warming vision
I still hope to go to sleep at 4 am having a miraculous dream with only me and you in it..

-AP