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918 · Jan 13
Conflicted Heart
Just like my life my heart is an atrocious mess
Trying to do right but the only way I seem to go is left
When I try to cry no tears seem to form on my bottom lid

I think of you and my chest feels shot with a volting stun
Sounds stupid but this time I think Cupid said uc the arrow and blasted a gun
When I wanted to help you I lost my mind when my demons wouldn’t let me give you some

I didn’t want to go back to what I knew would end
But my hearts too real and everybody knows we had a past back then
Told myself I’d be there for the moment even tho when it was over I’d want to bury my face in pills & soft dust again

I wouldn’t say my heart is broken cause that already happened a long time ago
But it’s so conflicted and it’s like instead of fixing it I just step on and crunch the broken pieces and **** brain cells so memories drain from my dome
I wouldn’t say you have to forget to fix things but that’s all I wanna do when I get to missing you cause of my heart , just cutting too close

As I write this first poem I think of how you motivate me to do things I always wanted to do but simply just never did it
Like this meditation of words explaining the conflicts in my heart, like a peaceful flashback you give me a warming vision
I still hope to go to sleep at 4 am having a mirculous dream with only me and you in it..

-AP
758 · Mar 12
Difference
There’s a difference between waiting, and being patient. I’ve been doin a lil bit a both but I guarantee you now, I’m done waiting. I’m going after .. just being patient.
Learn the difference between being patient and being lazy.
630 · Mar 2
Selfish
But only in my own manner
Others might see it as selfless
But only in their own manner
It’s simple really
Selfish is just my own thing
It’s not meant to be much , but it still is
540 · Feb 20
Sleep less
Sleepless , wanting to sleep less
Do more , see more , be more
Wanting to hear less , feel less , fear less
All because of more , I just want it
I know it’s out there for me to grab and that’s one thing I don’t want to be ..
grabless
492 · Jan 25
Kid Days
Sometimes I reminisce about my kid days, sometimes I wish I could go back and be conscious of all the great it was
Well, that was after we escaped the dim days, I’d wake up to a little house with two back yards and adventures awaited us
Me and my lil’ brother that was, we’d fight all day like any siblings
But we tagged along and cooperated too, played games until our eyes needed chillin
We had fun in those woods, dirt bikes, four wheelers, anything with an engine that sounded good
Summertime was the most fun, Fourth of July shenanigans, bein beach bums, winter time sledding and Christmas love
Tried doing things as a family unit as much as possible, going out to dinner with laughing that was unstoppable
Visiting my workaholic/lazy grandpa, wasn’t sure if I’d wear him out or he’d wear me out half the time, and my crazy loving nana
Sitting here older all I can do is think, I appreciate and will never let fade the memories of all my kid days.
401 · Jan 25
Full Moons
Now I enjoy all phases of the moon
The curvy crescent just waiting for someone to go sit up there
The healthy half moon , just looking for its twin to feel complete
But the full moon is my favorite , almost like a spiritual emblem to my persona
The full moon is enlightening and I can talk to it like one of my angels
But when it goes new , it goes quiet , vanishing, leaving me wandering
And then pops back up at the perfect time to keep me guided and hopeful
I have to say it’s probably one of my most loyal friends ..
Like friends , the full moon comes and goes. But like good friends, it stays loyal.
381 · Apr 3
Ego
Ego
Some egos collide , some fall down in shambles
Soon only to strive , and relive once what they used to gamble
Mine stays clear and always right by design, I tend to build rather gamble
For my family is guided, they just keep on jammin
Stay true ego nada
379 · Sep 11
Once in a Blue Moon
Once in a blue moon, do I ever get time to think about you
Cause there’s always something about you that I  just can’t seem to resist
The way you curve like the crescent moon in the daytime skies blue abyss
The way your lips look relaxed and ready for every gracefully true kiss
Deep romantic, only once in a blue moon just for you is bliss
Unfinished due to blue moons
379 · Jan 15
Upward Spiral
Like a ***** holding up a ceiling tile
My life has been a spiralling circle
Growing upward, getting closer to seeing my angels
While going in circles, living the same life listening and running the same lies
Until I finally come to the point of darkness and utopia and reimburse my time with the ones I miss dearly , in the point of the upward spiral
Just a short thought of life and death and missed ones
322 · Mar 22
The Deep Blue Sea
Remember using this title as a kid in school, so young, no feel
Figured I’d use it and put my own spin, less imagination and more real
There’s treasure in the sea you see you just have to hook and reel
One fish lost but another to come guaranteed, now I know the deal
We traveled all across from top to sea floor,  it’d be a waste to give the whole spiel  
Cause we got separated by the current of jealousy and blood thirsty sharks
I fought and fought but nothing I did seemed to leave a mark
I couldn’t hold onto you because you wanted to leave me alone and apart
Woulda swam w you till dried up on shore
You weren’t strong enough to fight the hurricane bound to come in the dark
So I go swimming through the deep blue to find my treasured fish in the sea
Each fish a treasure, one fish a chest you bury and keep
293 · Feb 22
Early Mornings
The first sound of sun
The first sight of birds chirpin
The first smell of wind touchin your lungs
The feel of fresh air touchin your skin
Freeing when you wake up early
More time to think, to get things done
Easier to stay afloat and not sink, more fun
Nature in its most vibrant form
Blessings from early morning sun
Soothing
289 · Apr 1
It’s Okay
It’s okay to care about your friends
Roll around with them committing sins
Living every year like your freedom just began
It’s okay to be selfish when the time comes
When you’ve done all to be done
And had all the fun there was among
It’s okay when things change and you slow down what you do on a day to day
It’s okay to save and not go out just to play
It’s okay to change and do more for your sanest
Cause you can’t always do what others do everyday
It’s okay to change
284 · Feb 17
First Love
No her name didn’t start with an “S” or “K”
Her first name started with an “M” and last name started with a “J”
She was such a beauty, all crystalline sometimes and no makeup ever hid her face
She was different , her green composure sometimes found a little purple lingering adding taste
She was flexible , I could make love to her anyway I want , in a bowl, a ****, wraps, or even create my own ways
I was 13 years old when we first met , she nearly took my life with the first breath
Choking from how strong she hugged my lungs I knew she was the best
She made me laugh from the first kiss until I went to sleep in my cloud-like bed
Some years have passed now and we’ve decided to get married since then
From first sight, first touch, first kiss, first hug, I knew Mary Jane would be my first love until my times end.
Love for the herbal Mary Jane is forever
225 · Feb 9
Living, Simply
Sitting there in a tranquil state
Feeling nothing , but feeling everything
Knowing nothing , but knowing everything
And then you just let life be..
Simply, living.
Enjoying, living.
217 · Jan 21
The Devil Inside Of Me
Night after night it was easy to see
Sunny days turn to stormy nights with ease
In the shadows of my pupils was the devil inside of me
Long narrow horns and a snake tongue
came through his teeth
The same dreadful thoughts running in circles with speed
The same demons playing freeze tag with 10 teams
My jaw almost broken from endlessly grinding my teeth
Only a couple words come out I can barely speak
This has happened before but I could’ve swore I had you beat
I knew you would come back for me why does it have to be this week
The eruption in my eyes red is all I see
When will I die ? why do bad things always only happen to me ?
Will I live a long life ? why are things never as they seem ?
I swear I loved her but why couldn’t she just love me ?
Why are you in my head but your the only one who understands me ?
My friends just laughed and continued to drink
While he was in my brain pushing me to the brink
Insanity called my name for a while I didn’t want to breathe
He gave me a strength that now can’t recede
Beating times like those my mind now stronger than Hercules
Now all my angels can finally Rest In Peace
In the shadow of the pupil of my eyes he resides and sleeps
Who would’ve known my best friend would become the devil inside of me ..
                                                Love, AP
Fighting demons only to love them in the end.. kinda song like.
202 · Apr 27
Strange Weather
What happens when the weather around you doesn’t feel the same around the time it should
What happens when you don’t do things in the best times you thought you could
So much procrastination I could write a book about a book with out missing a single hook
What happens when the economy doesn’t fulfill how it should and they lied to us about everything we could
He won’t let that happen cause in my bible god is stronger than he should
God showers happiness in reciprocated perspective of person
201 · Feb 20
Arms
Her arms .. I miss them , the way they hugged me so securely, so unapologetically, unconditionally filled with heartbeats every second ..
Reminiscing
187 · Feb 7
Golden Soul
You’ll find gold if you dig deep enough in my eyes.
Eyes are the gateway to the soul..
187 · Mar 14
Spiritual Freak
Crazy to even think of the spirit realm , I’m a freak of it and hold it down.
I’m a spiritual monster.
175 · Mar 14
Fly High My Child
Oh my baby in the sky
The first byrdy to ever fly
I woulda given the best of lives
For you I would’ve killed to strive
Sorry to say I did and that’s why from time to time I tend to cry
And my byrdy in the sky pats my shoulder residing by my side
My first child, one guardian angel.
175 · Mar 20
Change or Same
In life you go through changes
You can either grow with them
Or you can stay the same
No matter what you gotta grow and maintain to make change
All change matters
168 · Jan 26
Sleep With One Eye Open
Just laying there , knowing you’re awake but feeling asleep
You feel suction cupped to your bed by your blankets
Your pillow slowly accumulating moisture from sweating
Your dreams alive but reality won’t let you accept it
Both eyes closed but there’s only one possibly peeled
You might sleep with your third eye open too ..
143 · Mar 14
How I Guess
How do you confess your love for someone
How do you let them know when you’re truly ready
How do you apologize for hurting them time and time before
I guess time and faith  as well as trust could cover
When you’ll find the perfect words to fully  dedicate
To recover from past mistakes and climb towards building more
I like my own style of writing i guess. She’s worth the poem.
136 · Feb 6
You said :
You’d never leave : you’re no where to be found.
You’d never hurt me : You put my heart in the ground.
You’d always keep me up : You shot me down.
You’d never lie to me : You made a fib everytime you made a sound.
You’d stay loyal : You made me look like a clown.
You’d always love me : I never feel it when you’re around ..
..But only the exact same two eyes can see what the exact same two eyes have seen ..
Quick thought for hunger
112 · Feb 8
Time Travel
I time travel all the time
Well when I lurk deep enough in my mind
I travel to times in the past wrong or right
They’re all what made my life
I travel to times in the future and see light
It’s so unpredictable , but it’s always nice
Maybe not physically but I mentally time travel in my mind
It’s easy to time travel
92 · Mar 15
Fear
Fear is an opponent. Fear needs to be knocked out. Fear is witholding. Fear needs to be broken down. Without fear there is no safety. With fear there is so much terror. Fear can be balanced and tamed. Fear is common don’t be ashamed.
Never let fear stop you from achieving better.

— The End —