I have lost everything I thought made me, me
Torn myself apart in fits of rage
Only to be left to try and put the pieces back together

But the problem is
The pieces never quite fit like they used to
And the more I try to force myself to be whole
The emptier I feel

He saw in me what he once held behind his own eyes.
A vision of splendour to thy beholder,
a prodigy of sorts to be moulded and shaped.
I was a blank canvas and he the creator.

Don’t you see?
This thing you call life,
the gift most are granted at birth,
was never mine to own.

Cursed to never know what it is like to hold power over your own destiny. To be granted the privilege of choice.

Instead I am forever bound to a man who declares himself a god.
A possession
until the day I perish,
that is the price I paid.

She burnt too bright for a time
and then like all things that age,
she burnt into nothing at all

You left a void,
            an emptiness
                     I did not know how to fill

It grew hard to tell
what was a skeleton to be buried
and a treasure to be revealed

The hopelessness
                 the sadness
is a weight that became to heavy for me to carry

So I was forced to shed
                           my own substance
                                        to make room

How could you commit ******,
but it be called two different things?

There was no difference in our actions,
only the side of the battlefield we were standing on.

I knew the truth though, I always have.
I was just like them, a cold-blooded killer.

The only difference was the uniform I wore and the man I pledged allegiance to.

This girl refuses to spend
anymore of her life
kneeling in the dirt,

tending to others needs
before my own.

My spine will not be bent
so others can stand tall.

I am worth so much more than that.

I could not outrun my name

nor the expectations that came with it.

You wore it as a badge

I wore it as a curse.

I didn’t mean to be so harsh
to turn my own tongue into a silver blade,
each word spewing from my mouth coated in blood,
but now I am choking on the metallic taste

I didn’t mean to be so cruel,
to break my bones over and over again
reopening old wounds with blunt scissors
attempting to crawl out of my own skin.

But now I resemble a wild animal,
clawing at the very fibres of my being
destroying everything in my path

yet still believing I can sew myself back together
no matter the damage I cause...

There are holes in my memory,
missing pieces of time
claimed by malnutrition.

It is a bitter pill to swallow,
knowing that my own actions
had such severe consequences.
Knowing that I so wholeheartedly believed
that what I was doing was right,
that it was what I deserved.

Losing pieces of myself
to an identity that did not belong to me.
A girl is not supposed to be a disorder
becoming nothing more than an illness personified.

I naively believed
that surely
there was a limit
to how much loss
one person could suffer
before adulthood.

You threw me to the snakes
leaving me to fend for myself,
discarding me like an object that
you had grown bored of.
And,
when i crawled out from the pit
more powerful than before,
venom coursing through my veins ,
I became the monster.
I became the one to be feared.

How easy it is to forget that monsters are not born
but made
and my dear,
you are responsible for every inch of the creature I have become.

And in the end,
there was nothing to say,
so we sat in silence.
All the words dying in the
back of our throats.
All the apologies we were meant to say
getting lost on our tongues,
never uttered into existence.

You are not a bad person
For what you did
In your moment of weakness
To survive

I put my trust in these hands
The hands that where meant to hold me
To guide me
Instead they are now the very things
That are harming me

This is bravery
baring my soul for all to see
making my voice heard
and my pain felt
saying to the world
that I am here

I don’t believe I was wrong
For searching for a cure at the end of a sharp blade
Or at the bottom of an empty plate
I just wish someone had told me sooner
That fighting pain with more pain wasn’t the answer
That what I actually needed
Was to take the time to find more of myself

I have spent so much time
caught in my own head

Trying to merely tread water
preventing myself from drowning

Losing touch with reality
my life lacking clarity
as the edges of each day and night
are dulled

Confined to a certain haziness
Caught somewhere between

                               Floating and ......
                                                                f
                                                                  a
                                                                    l
                                                                      l
                                                                        i
                                                                          n
                                                                             g

All this bitterness sat rotting my insides
for over 10 years
now nothing has remained untouched

The faults and flaws
                                    outweighing the attributes

I could no longer stomach my own reflection
not because of my appearance
but because of the ugliness that lay
                                                               below the surface

Terrified of my own unguarded thoughts
that were often sharper
                                         than any knives

Blades never quite did as much damage
as the cruelty of my internal dialogue
learning to use words as weapons
                                                         the cause of my own demise

You took what was rightfully mine
forcing words into my mouth
pulling at these limbs like I was a puppet
turning me into something not human
making me believe I was utterly worthless

I became the problem as the blame fell on me
all our misfortunes and failures were my fault
I was the monster hiding under children’s beds
howling into the dead of night

You restricted my growth
forcing me to kneel at your feet
there I begged for your forgiveness time and time again
filled with guilt and shame
watching the broken mess we had become
wondering where it all went wrong
how we wandered so far off this path
getting lost in the bitterness and anger
our hearts turned cold
veins filled with each-others poison

Fighting fire with fire
striking a match and standing by as everything we had burnt
this thing that we created was not the product of love
but of hate and resentment

We turned green eyed in this feeding frenzy
hungering for one another’s flesh
viciously tearing down these walls
infiltrating each-others vulnerable minds

You had my slowly beating heart in your hand
but instead of nurturing it
you blackmailed me
forcing this mind to become tethered to your own

Whenever I looked over my shoulder
I saw you
those cold eyes scrutinising every single action
and interaction
filtering the words that came out of my mouth

I could feel your nails digging into my flesh
as you forced yourself on me
your warm breath still lingers here
I have tried running
but these chains prevent me from ever getting far
a truth I cannot escape and
a past that refuses
to let me go

The scars you left behind are a permanent reminder
of all that transpired here
the sins we committed hand in hand
ensuring each-others demise

You broke me and I am still trying
to pick up the pieces
rummaging through the rubble
trying to find something beautiful again
a piece of this canvas left blank

Your shadow will always
linger at the corners of my mind
but I have found a new strength within
a resilience emerging from the broken
and heaven forbid
you try
and
take that from me

This story
is
still
meant
to
be
told

If only it was possible to escape the incessant chatter of my own internal dialogue
Tasting the sweet nectar of freedom
Something other than this bitterness that remains in my mouth

The smell of rust and alcohol lingers
Reminding me of the sins that have been committed
My hands have been stained red with the crimes I have perpetrated

I scavenge each corner of this shrinking body
Searching for something I like
Instead each imperfection is illuminated
Etched like a map on this sheet of translucent paper

A freedom that’s fading with each wrong turn
Continuing to walk down this cursed path
Completely apathetic to the consequences of these action
Simply not caring anymore
Toying with a life

Playing with fire
Enjoying the pain that comes with getting burnt
I am once again dancing with death
Methodically digging my own grave at the age of 18

I wish I could escape my thoughts if only for a moment
The relentless onslaught of abuse is becoming harder to tolerate
Stomaching the bitterness of my internal dialogue is painful
Remaining a hostage to this diseased mind
Confined within its constricting walls
Losing hope with the fading light

Beautiful girl
You are worthy of more than
This disease will ever give you
So very deserving of a life filled with happiness
And hope and joy
All things anorexia is hell bent on depriving you of
You have an identity outside this disorder
Goals and aspirations that are meant to be achieved
A voice that was not meant to be silenced
Never doubt the strength you possess inside
Courage and bravery that cannot be measured

This disorder has taken away too many years
But you are fighting a war that can be won
Even on your darkest days
When the thoughts are too loud
And it feels easier to go back to the familiar comfort of old behaviours
Know that the past is not a place you want to be stuck in
You can break free from this destructive cycle

Recovery is hard
Believe me I know
But it is time you started to heal
God knows you deserve to heal
To learn how to love yourself from the inside out
To be at peace with your body
And grow into the beautiful young woman you are meant to become

I grew jealous of your naivety
your sheltered life
the calmness of your thoughts
and the safety you found in your pristine house
A house that had not been burnt to the ground by uninvited visitors
you still held your innocence within your hands
grasping tightly onto the hopes and dreams of a child
the spark in your eyes yet to be extinguished

I was envious of the positivity captured within your soul
the nonchalant filter through which you viewed the world
your vision remained unobscured
the cruel reality of the world had yet been revealed
your life remained normal, uneventful
Everything I lacked
everything I desperately wanted

My reflection haunted me
following me wherever I went
each mirror, window, glass pane
depicted a stranger’s body
a body that I wanted to disown
I burnt my house to the ground
abusing my fragile mind and body
distorted images of myself constantly flashed by my eyes
a vision that only I seemed to be able to see
a disillusioned truth I was unable to escape

Picking myself apart
slowly plucking away at each string
Unravelling
searching for something
anything good
yet always coming up empty handed

I desperately craved a sense of satisfaction
I never managed to taste
no matter how much I manipulated my body
making it painfully disappear
it was never enough

Truly believing that my flaws
my insecurities
were the only thing that I possessed  
my refection only ever revealed the things I lacked
the ugliness of it bringing me to tears

My tormented mind drove me to extremes
completely losing myself and any sense of sanity
illogical thoughts became logical
controlling my actions
dictating my life

Somewhere along the way
my quest for perfection
Became a quest for self-destruction

For death

This blood is unable to be washed away
forever staining my hands
working its way into every crevice,
under every nail
red contrasting with translucent skin

I cannot scrub away this pain
these scars will not disappear
like tattoos inked onto skin
each jagged line
forever reminding me of what
this broken mind is capable of

The blame was a burden on its own
the constant hum of voices
a guilty conscience that won't fade
guilt that builds
filling the voids left by your actions
threatening to break through the surface
of your carefully rehearsed act
the weight of it crushing
drowning in perennial sorrow
cracks running so deep
valleys carved into your soul
threatening to shatter with the slightest change of the wind

I had no right to make you watch
whilst i toyed with my life
pushing the boundaries
desperately searching for an escape from
this confining skin

Making you watch me bleed yet refusing help
denying any wrong
taking no responsibility for the consequences of my actions

You unknowingly became a part of my game
without consent i latched onto you
dragging you down

Asking questions that had no right answer
blaming you for my thoughts
pleading for answers that you never held

I expected some outward force to save me
not recognising that i held the answers within
i possessed the antidote from the beginning
i was simply unwilling to use it

I saw my lifeless body
and yet i mocked it
letting violent
self-degrading
words and thoughts
carve into my soul
destroying my self-esteem
making myself truly believe
that i was
unlovable
worthless

I am sorry i made you watch
whilst i slowly disappeared
abusing the body
you spent 9 months carefully constructing
starving it of nutrients
becoming nothing but
hollowed out bones and translucent skin

I am sorry that i made you watch
whilst i slowly killed myself