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Towela Kams Sep 2015
To the boy I met two days ago,
With words designed to suit the solitude I've wanted me heart to cave in.
And the smile that made security no longer appear as a faraway myth but was now as close to me as your inhale and exhale across my neck.
I could feel your heartbeat,
And the way it raced marathons to convince me that it wasn't just oxygen you were taking in, but with each inhale was a piece of me I'll never be able to recover.
And when you held me, I reluctantly allowed the walls of my mind to romp into temporary forevers
But soon I was yet to discover an abstract truth
From what you whispered in my left ear.
You'd given me detailed descriptions of your childhood games that were enough for me to conclude that you liked to play -
With stones
And sticks
And Lego bricks
But never,
Never did I think you were capable of playing a round of hide-and-go-seek with my feelings.
I feel kisses on my cheek,
As I continue reminiscing about the first words you spoke to me,
that night.
If only I'd known your "Hello" was filled with deceit that concealed it's rise to defeat me.
I was under the impression that a fall into an empty ditch of your promises wouldn't leave me scarred.
To the boy I met two days ago,
You asked me why I struggle with trust issues,
Knowing **** well that two days later you'd reaffirm my bitterness for your entire species.
Don't call me stupid.
Don't even mouth the word, "Crazy"
I remember.. that night.
Being oblivious to everything you uttered,
I took all of it to heart.
And everyone knows I usually doubt a guy's intentions at the start
But this time
This time I was just as naive as those girls I tease for believing in guys like you.
Hypocrisy -
That's what I became a product of.
Even now, I'm still trying so desperately to have a little faith in the things you're telling me.
This - This isn't a merry-go-round, right?
You won't take me to Cloud Nine and then tell me to jump off, right?
Tell your girlfriend I said hey.
Go hide the fact that you asked me out that night,
Then made me feel guilty for saying no.
The next time you see her, look deep into her eyes and tell her that she's the only girl you're currently seeing
Be tormented by the clips of dejavu when you realize you that you;ve said those words to me before.
I want you to know that it took a lot for me to actually believe you,
And to have you take that for granted is obscene.
So I've made up my mind:
No more tossing and turning trying to get sleep at night,
No more getting to close to a guy that they can almost smell the vulnerability in me.
No more sweet talks.
No more intimacy that I feel the temptation rising to give in.
No more being another soul ready for your hands to take advantage of.
No words that seem to good to be true that they aren't.
No more smiles and no more laughter will ever have to be seen.
To the boy I met two days ago,
I left out one thing that night:
I'm an artist.
And I've drawn an all-new perception of you now
The old one, wasn't honest enough
And now, neither is your love for me.
I met a boy two days ago that turned out to be deceptive.
Apr 2015 · 3.7k
Faith > Fear [2]
Towela Kams Apr 2015
And so that the resounding acts of faith in my life overpower the fearful illusions that attack my mind.
Apr 2015 · 1.0k
"Accept my love"
Towela Kams Apr 2015
I've silently watched as filthy, unworthy people juggle your heart from one hand to another as if some sort of game. They hold your heart so loosely in one hand and toss it right into the next. Their ***** hands seeping through the depths of your heart fleeing open doors that would rather remain shut and keeping secrets that they swear they wouldn't tell another soul about. I've had my heart sink every time I caught sight of the very borders of your heart once so fragile and soft harden by the minute all because of bitter experiences. Sometimes, I can feel it grow distant from Me. I've witnessed your outcry for love and I've seen how that desperation gradually led you into temperamental sources of delusional love any chance you had and how by the minute, you became their next victim left emotionally scarred.

The state of your soul is neutral with a slight dash of equanimity. You've learnt to protect your heart, well, sometimes. Because until now, you must've met thousands of people who decided to take advantage of your warm-heartedness. It's not something common in this world- your warm-heartedness - my desire has always been that you maintain it. Love is no longer something you appreciate. You underestimate the power of love so much that you hardly believe it actually exists. It may be hard for you to fathom at this point but I want you to believe that the very foundation of our relationship is on love. I look down and see broken souls every second, yours being number one.

I'm always willing and ready to help you. I can provide something more powerful than "just love" I'll heal your soul and it'll no longer hold the vacancy it once bore. My love is deeper, if you allow me to introduce you to it. With everyone that comes in and out of your life, they just crack open wounds you've been trying to run away from. It's unfortunate that after all the tears that have fallen through your bleeding soul have never been comforted with a single apology. People pass by your injured heart and not one single sorry for the way you've been treated. So please, allow me to say what should've been said a long time ago..

I make up for your lacks and deficiencies, your flaws and your insecurities. I am love and I act the description perfectly. My perfect demonstration of love was sending my son to die on cross to reconcile you back to Me. If willing, I'll eradicate your spiritual blindness and fill you with perfect vision to see the magnificent things. Here's an invitation. If you allow your spirit and mine to agree and intertwine, I repair the wounds of your heart at no cost, I allow you to recover all that was once lost and even more. Yes, indeed, there's more. Trust me enough to allow my love to purify your heart and work deeply within your soul where it shall permanently remain as a mark of the promise of forgiveness made to you before you were born. A perfect reminder of the Son I sent to bear your sins on a wooden cross. Yes, it's true you need love. This love can only be supplied by Your Father above. And since you've accepted, you can trust me to be devoted to you loyally for my love supply is ever flourishing and never-ending. With me, your heart will be perfectly mending and you'll no longer find comfort in worldly sympathy. Let alone, self-pity. You'll become the one thing you've wanted so desperately - to be an independent entity.
Christ says, "Accept my love."
An Easter special. :')
Mar 2015 · 1.3k
Poetry recognition, x
Towela Kams Mar 2015
I await the day poetry will be recongnised
When people don't just view words, they read lives.
Well, ya.
Please check my other work. :)
Mar 2015 · 1.0k
I wasn't ready by J-Andre
Towela Kams Mar 2015
"I Wasn't Ready" by J. Andre

As I was tying my shoes, buttoning my shirt, took my wallet just to be alert, 'cause we all know some girls like the money, I never knew I wasn't ready.

As I put on my coat for courage to keep warm in this cold world, as I made sure my face looked pretty 'cause girls love guys who have beauty on the outside I've been told, I never knew I wasn't ready.

As I met her at the corner of the shopping mall with her outstanding beauty, LOL I'm using words my grade 1 teacher would grade me with, I never knew I wasn't ready.

I could see and hear all the warning signs:
"Don't go there!!"
"May become too dangerous!!"
Still, it didn't click to me, I never knew I wasn't ready.

I kept on persisting and chasing after her till she was my girl, me getting access through the danger zone would not only hurt me, but change me.
Not physically, but mentally.
Not fast, but slowly.

I changed from who I was to who I wasn't supposed to be. I couldn't take the burden unlike camels in the desert standing the burning, I knew I wasn't ready to be with someone who would change me and drive me to the pit of hell without my seat belt on..

But all I decided to do was stay, maybe because of the insecurities of this world.
No, because I had to make a decision quick that I hadn't taken a course for, I now knew, I wasn't ready..
True or nah?
Towela Kams Mar 2015
Forgive me for my insecurities,
For hiding the very best parts of me.
Sometimes, insecurity is just a tiny voice that deceives you into hiding your perfections.
Feb 2015 · 2.1k
#Trustissues, x
Towela Kams Feb 2015
The doorstep of my heart hadn't been disturbed in a while.
No one took my heart's doorstep seriously anymore.
It had been covered in layers of dust and a tad of spider webs lay in each corner.
A reminder of my misfortune.
There dust was piles one layer on top of the other - no footsteps, no trails, no signs of visitors.
In my darkest times, I wondered where the ones who once entered this forbidden sacred hiding had fled to.
I felt obligated to question the existence of such a warm house if no one had taken notice of it's worth.
It was no common ground for any person going about his business.
Anyone who had been between the yards of it's foundations would know that it held secrets that were sworn to never be told.
And anyone who had pledged to such secrecy was liable to a fine.
A fine of being banished from this sacred place.

**Trick a heart like mine to trust you and it will show you why you shouldn't have led it on in the first place.
I'm trying to write a series here. I'll try update it like every chance I get. Share your views! So look out!
Feb 2015 · 938
From, Dad.
Towela Kams Feb 2015
For quite a while you've been questioning my understanding of how things have come to be.
You've been wondering why my so-called love is not prospering and you don't lie when you say you've tried everything. So you keep coming back like a new-born baby dying for love from daddy.

It appears to me
That your insecurities and flaws are all results of my wrongs but I'd never admit to being the one at fault if it had to cost me kneeling down on the floor and confessing that the minute I walked out on you, my whole life went on pause.

And even though I was crowded by many, I felt discomfort in the midsts of applause. My lust for popularity gain had strangled me up again the wall and I was left with no one to call.

See, after the last time you saw me I took matters into my hands and asked the devil for a dance because he seemed like the latest trend but the second he swept me off my feet and removed my blindness to see, I had my conscience open to a Towela severely broken.

It had been a while since we had spoken so I didn't know whether to reach out or stay speechless. Because the sight of the broken you took my breath away and hardly in the good way because I felt guilty. Tell me, how else was I going to be able to swallow my inequity rather than practising ignorance?

My soul is filthy and reeking of deeds I rushed into without thinking. I attempted wishful thinking. I pushed you out of the way and tried going on dates with darkness and she introduced me to wicked play. But Towela, don't hate the player, hate the game.

I'm sorry for not being able to be sorry. For depicting the direction of your life story and forcing you to cope with such deviation.

Last night, in a dream I saw you. And this time you looked amazing. Your once teary eyes had healed and there was no sign of what had once been. For the period of 11 years I lived with you, I had never seen you smile the way you did with the One who was with You. I'm not love but I can tell what He has for you is real. I reached out my hand because I envied what He was doing to your heart - renewing it and teaching it how to love.

And so I wept. I wept because I would've wanted to be who He was to you and do the responsibility He gave me to You. As I speak to you, I'm in this state of regret-filled thoughts like "I could've, I should've, I would've."

We've switched lanes. You have fulfilment and satisfaction while I suffer from immense pain. You may think I'm insane but trust me when I say I know that for the first time, you're secure Towela, you're safe.

On that note, there's another confession I'd like to make. The so-called love I supplied with you all these years was fake. You were so caught up in my game that You never thought to seek God's face so by default, I always won. No one would blame you if you began to call me a con.

The One you're with is love and in him there is no wrong. So you can sit back and relax because in Him, there are no traces of insecurity or inequity - there is no sin. There is no heart that bleeds or soul that roams aimlessly hurting and seeking for love from anything worldly.

But wait, I just caught sight of Him embrace you. And half a smile was what I could offer at this view. He took up my responsibility, paid whatever debts I had been owing you, destroyed the one who tried destroying you and resurrected your life so it could be brand new.

And if I gained permission to see Him, I'd tell Him 'Thank You I've seen the way she's happy whenever she's with You and I know that without You, my daughter would have been gone before her time was due.'
I'm just one of those teens dealing with having a distant dad. Hahaha, I have what people like to call, "Daddy issues". He doesn't communicate his feelings much so I kinda wrote them for him. /.\ lol.

Sometimes, my poetry doesn't make sense. ._.'') I know. xD

Oh by the way, I kinda wanna venture into Spoken Word poetry. So can any of you guys give me tips or something? Kthanksbye. :)
Feb 2015 · 715
Dear Poet
Towela Kams Feb 2015
You contribute to poetry in ways I can't explain.
Don't be persuaded to believe your writing is in vain,
No matter what they say.
I think every poet MUST hear this every once in a while. Especially on days when we feel we can't write anymore and feel really dull. You're welcome! ;)
Feb 2015 · 676
The Greatest Love Story
Towela Kams Feb 2015
The greatest love story ever told is about 2000 years old and concerns a righteous Son who put His Kingdom on hold to step into a world so ruthless and cold and redeem it once and for all. In my defence, this Man was bold.

He was humble though, He was a Jew, with his sandles hardly new and His friends very few. His Voice pulled large crowds and spontaneously they grew pulling masses of lives that had to be groomed. His Words so sweet like far-away imported perfume. His tongue so smooth yet holding authority to cast away any manner of doom.

This Man came to recreate.
His plan was to mould us like clay and position us in such a way that even when one sheep goes astray, he'll take it upon Himself to save. And from what I know, this service is open 24 hours a day. For He'll never turn away anyone who says and acts in the path He prepared to save us from sin's stain.

Brethren, understand that this Man was treated like a slave. Yet His Mission was solely based on the establishment of grace on the Earth's face. This Man came for your sake. All He ever intended to do was embrace us as Kingdom Heirs in His Name. And shower us with wells of blessings our lips longed to taste.

This Great Man willingly took upon the human condition to bring us redemption by God's permission. God's most-prized possession released into a physical realm yet had no worldly recognition..
So you're gonna have to forgive me if all I got on my mind right now is His Submission..
An example for all who live for acceptance yet secretly die from worldly perspectives and secular perceptions. A leaving and breathing example with no insecurity yet left to face and fight against this evil world of obscurity. Thank God He breathed in within us a word of purity. Especially to a society like ours that reeks of inequity.

I'm surprised He decided to look twice at me. When all I had to offer was a crooked past and a list of broken dreams. It's unfathomable to find anything that exceeds the level of the mercy He's poured over me. And I know I'm undeserving. And this rises the question of why He stands opposite me with arms wide open in the name of amazing grace.
Someone, please explain:
How can I be embraced by the One who created the Universe in the first place?

But it appears to me that there's a personal message He has for those unwilling to perish and die:
**"You'll always be a child in my eyes. And when you need someone, my arms are open wide. Even when you're growing old, I hope you realise that you'll always be a child in my eyes."
I'm a Christian poet. It's who I am. It's what I do. If God has gifted me in writing, it's only right that I uphold Him in my rhyming.
Feb 2015 · 441
Oh, the voices of my soul
Towela Kams Feb 2015
I felt the rhythm of his words as I simultaneously danced to his tunes. Clutched to his phrases, I questioned. "Satan, how long shall I endure the bitterness of your groove?" With his tongue so smooth, He whispered, "You'll enjoy it pretty soon. Let me show you more moves. And by the way, I'm amazed at how you dance to my tunes."

I now identified him as a dark veil through which he used to make me blind, oh what a dark surprise! At this, I sighed when I looked into the mirror, I no longer saw the bright light through which God's grace shined. Now dull, were my blunt eyes.

I began to sing of God's grace and my song illuminated outer space with a force so great, sufficient enough to make me refrain from the devil's embrace, I fell on my knees and wiped the tears from my face because I knew the Holy Spirit had arrived to wipe away my sin's stain and leave me with a clean slate. The Saviour was just on time, He never delayed.  

The devil knows now of what joy I've found in the Kingdom of my Father to whom I bow down. As the whole of hell gather around, may God remind them that I'm no longer bound.

So dear satan, did you know every night I sleep sweet and sound? Or shall I remind you how one day I shall set my foot on Holy ground? Trample on you and rise above the clouds? Let me give you the full details about Christ. I'll let you in on some special insight, let it be known that I'm fully justified. The minute He sent His son, I was sanctified. Heaven's approved me as it's own. There are no loopholes, the deal is air-tight.

I heard God say, "Mr. Deceiver, take your lies at once and leave her. 2 Corinthians 6, you have no common ground with a believer. She's been blessed with Heavenly bliss, you'll fail to deceive her. I planted in her life the song of grace and in this day, I vow that she'll never be a waste. I've restored my daughter with beauty, I've taken away your evil music of insecurity, filthy scent of obscurity and worthless rhythms of impurity."

It was in that moment that my spiritual senses were wide awake and I saw the fire of God consume the agents and I heartdloud cries of immense pain. Holy Spirit, down You rain. My spirit grew stronger as I visibly saw the flames and indeed, that was a perfect reminder of My Master's reign. I reminded satan, "Earlier on, did I not mention it's my life He's come to save?"

Lastly, God looked at me and said, **"My daughter Towela, I've ordained you as a saint. Never again shall you eat any of satan's bait. I'm fully aware that you've fought a good race and you've kept the faith. Always remember nothing you do for me is in vain. Wait patiently, my child, I'm coming back for you again."
It took me a long time to write this.
Towela Kams Jan 2015
"As a Christian, what is it that you have to offer to this world?"

Quiet? Yeah. I felt the same earlier on today.
Think about it. Pray about it.
Be blessed,x .
Fellow saints, I pray your mind ponders on this everyday and in everything you say/do. Shalom.
Dec 2014 · 535
Christmas Piece
Towela Kams Dec 2014
The burning question: What is Christmas and what's the meaning of Christmas?

Christmas is the birth of Jesus Christ, God's only Son. It was the start of forgiveness of sins and a perpetual end to condemnation in the world. It's the sole reason for our celebration although over the years, non-believers have managed to manipulate the Church into believing that the only way to celebrate Christmas is by going out of your path to prove a point to close family members and friends regarding your financial status - or lack of it. Indeed, oftentimes, we Christians result in borrowing money and taking out loans so as to reach up to impossible standards that have been self-imposed. Unfortunately, I don't believe that along the lines of shallow displays of lust for money are we acknowledging the true meaning of Christmas.

On the other hand, some choose to celebrate Christmas by buying extravagant gifts to show deep feelings of love to particular persons. They believe that the centre and emphasis of Christmas is solely based on giving gifts instead of understanding the depth of God's given gift. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for Him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognise what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.

This Christmas, I would like you to reflect with me on the main reason Christ was born. His birth was a perfect reminder of God's love for us. In addition to that, may we truly accept His Son, Jesus, who personally took on the human condition, entering the disordered mess of struggling humanity in order to set it right once and for all.
To Christians, may this remind us to maintain our salvation with fear and trembling.
To those who haven't already accepted Christ, may this cause you to accept His personal call to you with a willing and humble spirit.
To all, may we return to Christ, our First Love.

With that being said, I would like to conclude by wishing you all a Merry Christmas and a prosperous new year.
Don't get it twisted, Christmas is about the first 6 letters in it's name.
Dec 2014 · 1.1k
Faith > Fears
Towela Kams Dec 2014
As I feel my mind romp
Ceaselessly into the past
I twitch to it's sight
And I know I'm scared
All my happy thoughts
Are interrupted by obscure memories
Dark, grey flashbacks
Reminding me that I'm chained
To a world of immense pain

Helpless and crushed
I seek a permanent solution
I attempt to find peace
In what the world offers me
Indirectly, I'm sitting upon
Invisible dough of deceit
Concealing it's strategy to defeat me
Reminding me that I'm chained
To a world of immense pain

The chains are visible now
A keyhole appears in clear view
The more I allow fear in my thoughts
The more the keyhole diminishes
So I give my first shot at faith
Believing first, forget seeing
The master key to save me
Reminding me that I'm free
From a world of immense pain

So I've drawn up my conclusion:
I choose believing over seeing
That my inner heart be wholly converted
Than my eyes merely convinced.
For everything I see tells me not to believe
And everything I believe tells me not to see
The two contradict each other
So what do I choose?
Faith over fears
I'd rather believe then give into my tears.
Umm. Your views?
Dec 2014 · 5.0k
Believing VS Seeing
Towela Kams Dec 2014
"So I choose believing over seeing. That my heart be wholly converted than my eyes merely convinced."
- Towela Kams
Nov 2014 · 1.3k
No self-pity allowed.
Towela Kams Nov 2014
I won't allow you
To question me
On old, broken mirrors
And old, shattered dreams
I won't let you see me
Based solely
On what the world did to me
Through the eyes of self-pity
So to answer your questions
Yes, I'm doing just fine
With all that has happened
I found a way to survive
Not by myself though,
I can't stand here and lie
I had some extra help
Something divine
I haven't written in such a while. I feel like my poetry is somehow loosing value. I don't know what to write about but these words came to my mind in a split second.
Oct 2014 · 39.0k
The African Man. [Must read]
Towela Kams Oct 2014
I've never really liked the idea of culture
How it supports the African man
For the sins he commits
In closed doors

He calls his father and uncles
And reports his wife from youth
Says she doesn't do anything right
Says she doesn't respect him

Almost immediately,
His Uncle grins
He is reminded that
He once had the same problem

Recites the same words
That he was moulded into
As a young groom
To his wife from youth,

"It's true, they never do anything right.
They don't respect. They don't respect!"

His wife's mother is listening
She has flashbacks as well
From back in her day
She tells her, what her mom told her,

"Don't answer back, Mo. Don't defend yourself. When you're wrong, you shut up. Even when you're right, you shut up!"

She's astonished, but she accepts.
She goes with her husband
To their matrimonial land
As he continues to mock her

On arrival, they meet a lady
The African body, with braids hanging from her head
Beads on her hair, waist and feet
Standing all so proud

"Esther!" He cries. "What--are--you--doing--here?"
"I'm pregnant for you baby!"
"What?!" "Really?!"
"Yes love!"

Mo is about to scream now
Esther has always been a threat to her marriage
But when she tried telling Wanjala, he would lay his hands on her each time
So she keeps quite about the events she witnessed, a month ago, with Wanjala's brother, Sam, and Esther in bed together.

Sam was a good lad. He respected women.
He loved Esther very much. But so did Wanjala.
Wanjala stole her heart recently, simply through a flash of a few coins to her.
Sam was not wealthy as Wanjala.

Esther's baby could belong to Sam.
She can't tell Sam because he never knew about Wanjala's affair with his girlfriend.
She heeds to her mother's advice.
She keeps her mouth shut, like the African woman she is.

She remembers what happened earlier
When she overheard what her uncles said
Her husband had falsely accused her of adultery
And yet, here he is today, receiving the fruits of it.

* The END
The African culture supports men with everything. The African man is arrogant and proud. He is influenced by the crowd which always agrees with him depending on his financial position. The African man can't be told what's wrong and what's right. He is always praised and adored by his fellow men. He has no regard for his wife from youth. The traits of the African man are found in each and every male born and brewed in Africa. I don't want my children to live in such a world with traditions from 100 years ago!

Women, respect your husbands. Esteem him and he'll exalt you. Embrace him and he'll honour you.
Men, respect your wives. Esteem her and she'll exalt you. Embrace her and she'll honour you.
Towela Kams Oct 2014
Consider every natural ability, talent and/or strength as something simply borrowed to you.
Guard it.
Make the most out of it.
Use it only for good.
This is the only way to ensure humility.
It's important that we use our gifts for good. There's absolutely no need for conceited character. Are we in agreement?
Towela Kams Oct 2014
A 'friend' once said,
"Never take anything a guy says to heart. We lie. We break hearts. We take advantage of good people."
I didn't understand at first.
Over the next months, I realised that he had become the manifestation of his own words.
He slowly became similar to the rest.
Oct 2014 · 498
Old friend.
Towela Kams Oct 2014
Have you ever had a friend..
Who kinda like, envies you?
I'm not talking about physical insecurities..
Because we all have those
I mean, like, where they always wanna be on top?
And they somehow underestimate you?
And when you begin to step up.. To up your game..
They feel threatened
And somehow stop talking to you?
Because they feel like..
They are the only ones destined for greatness?
Boy, I didn't see this one coming!
Someone I've known for over a decade
Sees the need to compete with me
Over worthless material?

Lesson for all: They are your "friend" only until you become competition.
Oct 2014 · 3.2k
Unstable Emotionally
Towela Kams Oct 2014
I can't fathom when you say you're not good for me
Help me understand why my heart is failing to agree
Let's blame it on me fluctuating emotionally
Digging in deep
Wiping me clean
I'm allowing my emotions to get the better..
No, worse.. of me.
War against emotions. First love-ish poem I've ever written. Short poem, I know. But I kinda like it.
Oct 2014 · 486
Indenial [20w]
Towela Kams Oct 2014
Another flashback remitted.
How many more episodes will I endure until I allow myself to reminisce upon **what once was?
Well, it is what it is.
Oct 2014 · 1.2k
Love loses value overtime
Towela Kams Oct 2014
I've never been in love
Because I'm just 14
It's hormonal phases
But if you ask me
I will tell you
That people fall out of love
They don't allow it to mature
They rush into it
They abuse it
People feel the need
To make people love them
Because these people
These people they love
Think that love is something
That loses value overtime
And soon or later,
Bitterness forces them
To make someone they love
An enemy to them
And gradually become
Nothing to them.

That's the end of the break-up.
I don't know, kinda just freestylin'
Love is beautiful.
They say love hurts, but real pain comes when the one you love hurts you.
S[He] hurts you
not love
Oct 2014 · 967
Beyond my years
Towela Kams Oct 2014
People say, "Towela? Wisdom beyond her years!"
I say, "Experience far beyond my years. I just chose to turn bad experiences into lessons to teach others."
This is why I'm on Hellopoetry. No one deserves to live the life I have lived.
Oct 2014 · 802
Towela Kams Oct 2014
I woke up this morning
And I stared at the ceiling for a while
I did the unthinkable
I woke up
I rushed to my mirror
And looked at my square face
I said to myself, "Towela?"
I felt weak to the sound of my own name
I continued, "I'm sorry. For everything. The life you've had to live, mostly."
I stared at my eyes, I couldn't see much
My eyes were blurred with tears
"I know you've always wanted to hear these words from people that have hurt you before and they don't have the heart to say them to you.
For one reason or the other, they don't think you're important or worth apologising to. I just thought I should let you hear me say them. Maybe you'll feel better."
I stopped. I wanted to see the reaction of my reflection. It just stood there, blunt.
It's always been like that with me.
There's always been two MEs.
One of them is really weak, she's emotional, she needs love, she needs attention and she needs hope because she's always on the verge of giving up.
The other one, she's really tough, she's been there for the Weak ME. She's everything she needs.
If they were to meet each other in different bodies, I'm sure they would be lovers.
Because they've always lived like that, just the two of them.
And they've made my whole body, mind and soul to believe that I would never find someone so emotional and understanding as Weak ME and I would never find someone so encouraging and caring yet strong as Strong ME.
It made sense to me. I just hope it makes sense to you.
Oct 2014 · 4.7k
Towela Kams Oct 2014
Yesterday, I was on my way to the mall and I decided to use public transport.
There was this odd man in the bus, who spoke in a very peculiar tone.
I heard him speak our local language, shouting, "I beat her yesterday! My wife came home late from work yesterday and I beat her! I slapped her! I ****** her! I kicked her!"
I was sitting in the back, and I thought that maybe this was just a joke. Even still, it was a rather morose "joke".
The man beside him, his friend, exclaimed in heavy laughter saying, "Yes, my friend, that's what we do. They'll learn to respect us. And they'll learn that they should not do just as they please!"
The man replied, "That's true! She must be thankful I brought her from the village and into the city. She shouldn't even be working. She should be home, being a housewife."
At this point in time, the elderly woman beside me shot a glance to the men behind her.
It could've been that she had experienced abuse, too, in her earlier years of marriage.
I knew she was stunned and I knew she wanted to say something, just as I did but didn't know how to structure her words.

I'm fourteen. And I'm very lucky to be born in modern day where abuse isn't tolerated and education for women is recommended.
It's more than "just" education. It's empowerment.
And that's what a lot of women don't understand.
I won't be quick to blame them for staying in such an abusive relationship.
Not that I'm encouraging that they stay, or anything.
I know that sometimes they stay because they can't leave.
There's their children they can't leave behind
I think it's high time society appreciated women, they go through more than we can imagine
Physical abuse is one thing, emotional abuse is the deadliest
And the scars left on these women's lives is irreversible
They learn to reduce themselves to this HORRENDOUS "lifestyle" that people from long ago accustomed to
Education is the key to success; you best believe that
Over the next few years, I want to hear the story of the girl who witnessed and sometimes endured abuse
And how she used her experience to help fellow girls
And how she further grew up to help empower women
I want that girl to be me
To be the mouthpiece for women
And it all begins today.

As my mother has said before, "If he even ATTEMPTS/THREATENS/ to hit you, LEAVE."
Due to circumstances that abusers usually encounter in their early stages of life, abuse isn't something you can easily rectify. It's not a cycle that can be broken.
So, L E A V E.
Close the door to abuse, open the door to happiness and success. Especially when you have the key to open it; Education - the key to success.

Thank you,
Towela Kams [Future women-advocate]
Unfortunately, I have tons of friends who witness abuse. And it scars them when that abuse is done by someone their mothers really love.
This piece is pretty self-explanatory.
Oct 2014 · 614
I'm not weak, I'm human.
Towela Kams Oct 2014
I don't remember much
I remember sitting with my mom
She said something that triggered me emotionally
I ignored it, I zoned out
I excused myself
I came to my room
I closed the door
I lay in my bed
Enduring the pain
Of my emotional misfortune
As well as the physical pain
From my pounding head
For some reason
I caught sight of my chest
I could see my nightdress
And I could see my heart
Trying as much as it can
To shy away from the pain
I felt it sink into hiding
I wish there was something
Something I could do for it
It's always been there for me
All the grenades it's caught for me
The scars it's bared for me
The cracks it's cemented for me
I felt a tear fall from my right eye
I was stunned, I touched my tear
I tasted it, salty taste of melancholy
That was weird for me
Because I haven't cried in 12 months
I wasn't expecting to cry
I never thought I would cry
Then I felt it
That feeling you get
When you drown yourself
In your own river of tears
I didn't sign up for this.
Sep 2014 · 720
I'm.. just.. tired..
Towela Kams Sep 2014
I'm tired of seeing people go free
With no conscience
And no misery
Living their lives
So simply
Unable to see
What they're actually
Doing to me.

It's God's Spirit in me
Why I don't break easily
Because if it was up to me
I wouldn't let them be
If it was in my hands
I'd **** them mercilessly
If it was my decision to make
I'd bring them to their knees.
You can't expect me to always be so strong.
Especially when my heart is singing a different song.
Towela Kams Sep 2014
If my heart has grown cold
There Your love will unfold
As You open my eyes to the work of Your hand
When I’m blind to my way
There Your Spirit will pray
As You open my eyes to the work of Your hand
As You open my eyes to the work of Your hand

Oceans will part nations come
At the whisper of Your call
Hope will rise glory shown
In my life Your will be done

Present suffering may pass
Lord Your mercy will last
As You open my eyes to the work of Your hand
And my heart will find praise
I’ll delight in Your way
As You open my eyes to the work of Your hand
As You open my eyes to the work of Your hand
These are the lyrics to my favourite song. It's by Hillsong Austrailia. It's called, "Oceans will part" :)
Towela Kams Sep 2014
Would you listen to me if I said I've once been deceived to believe
That I was born to be chained and never freed ?
Born to be
A laughing stock to my haters
A stepping stone for my oppressors
A naïve girl to my betrayers

What if I told you that at the age of 5,
I wanted to die ?
That because of my past, I wanted to commit suicide ?
I remember being in the kitchen, holding tight a knife
Then I heard a voice within me scream, "It's not your time!"

Would you take my advice if I asked you to pray ?
And if you do it with a contrite spirit,
Angels will come your way ?
And if you do it with consistency,
Your blessings won't delay ?
And if you do it with humility,
Your soul will be saved ?
I've had my fair share of dissapointments, setbacks, betrayals, back-stabbing, manipulation, oppression and deception. I found my way, and it's only right that I help others find theirs.
Towela Kams Sep 2014
This is for the girl who saw the stars in the darkness
She took a mid-night walk to gaze at the beauty behind the dark skies,
She embraced this particular time of day
While we pay too much attention.. To the time..
It's time that limits our dreams, and makes us focus on our fears..
It's the time that brings out the best in our weaknesses and forces us into panic mode, no hope for the best.
There is no hope in a mind that finds comfort in time-consciousness
Because you see.. While we're pacing up and down and round and round
Going about our lives, meeting deadlines,  making ends meet..
This girl is gazing at the beauty of the stars
She doesn't focus on the darkness that is of majority around that bright star she centres her eyes on
The negativity is present but she can't see it
She doesn't see anything else
She has her mind set on one thing
She has her gaze fixed directly before her
She spends winter nights, summer nights looking at the stars
She sees hope
She sees favour
She sees grace
And the only reason she's able to put her worries aside is because she has a sound mind
She has her problems, of course, but her meditation has had her manipulated into peace
She's happy
She used to dream happiness
Now she lives peace
Unaware of the surroundings of this star she has her mind on, she begins to look at herself much as she looks at the star
She's alone
She's shinning bright
But nobody takes notice
She digs deeper
She's shinning bright
Even when no one takes notice
She says to herself, "I shine bright like the stars, I shine bright like the beautiful stars. Let these people go about their busy lives, making ends meet, depending on their strengths and having their weaknesses get the better of them. Their afraid because they can't trust in God. Their fears reveal where they trust God the least. But this is who I am, this is what I'm born for. This is God's plan for me."
I think, people think negatively about so many things. There's also a majority of people around that usually put pressure on us do do certain things e.g get married before you're ready and so on. Sometimes we live for people and feel like if we don't live up to their standards and don't achieve certain things at the time that they want us to [due to lack of resources] then we're failures. But that's hardly the case. God's time is the best. And just like a star, shinning, despite the dark, quite skies that surround it, we will shine. In this dark world, we will shine.
Towela Kams Sep 2014
One answer to a twisted, perplexed question.
Why are you pale?
Choosing your words properly? Everything you say will be used for either reconstruction or destruction within me.
I want you close your eyes and think about this - horrible flashbacks.
I want you to feel the guilt you made me feel.
I'm not sure I deserved it.
Let's see how far your immaturity will take you.
Lee's watch your pride devour you.
It doesn't seem like I'll be getting closure
So I'll keep an eye on you
And watch you search for closure
Closure from yourself
From your own stupidity
Question your own actions
See what they costed you
I need closure. I need answers. You need closure too. I know you don't know why you did what you did. Your pride keeps deep secrets from you, yet within you.
Sep 2014 · 720
One day
Towela Kams Sep 2014
And when you fall
Get right back up
People aren't
Always there
To pick you up
Too busy
Or whatever
Just get up
Someone will appreciate
Your worth, one day.
And you'll be glad
You'll realise
That all you did
Was a path to them
In disguise
I'm 14, don't freakin' judge me. :3 This was a random thought, oh well.
Sep 2014 · 1.6k
Grace for every season
Towela Kams Sep 2014
You know what I go through
And you allow it for a reason
You give me grace to help me
In each and every season.
Sometimes, we fail to see God because we're too caught up feeling emotions instead of acting faith.
Sep 2014 · 507
Towela Kams Sep 2014
I was afraid at first
I couldn't face my surroundings
I was lost
I had no courage or security
I wanted to ask God for help
I wanted to plead to the Father
I heard a voice tell me I'm stupid for thinking I'm "worthy"
I felt it recite that I'm useless for mercy
I started to believe that, in the end, it's just me
I was weak
I tried to have faith in me
I thought I was able to save me
I realised this was above me
I acknowledged that only divine power could save me
I was scared, at first, I got extra help. This is a lesson that we can't save ourselves from ourselves.
Towela Kams Sep 2014
I'm sitting in my bed
Thinking, "yesterday"
A few hours ago
It all happened
And it gave me hope
I hadn't felt like that
In quite a while
It was beautiful

It's been so long
A lot has happened
I spent less time on me
I spent more time on them
I lost me
In finding them

So I sat in the crowd
In the presence
Of friends and families
Haters and liars
Back-stabbers and betrayers
It didn't matter
This was my time
I looked at the wall
I saw a cloth printed
"Merit Award Ceremony"

I fell into a trance
While the guest speaker
Gave his speech
In half an hour
He would give me a handshake
One I truly deserved

I felt my heart sink
My spirit kneel
I could hear my heart beat
And so could everyone around me
I was shy
I wasn't used to this
I've always been smart
But lately
I had dimmed
A lot had happened

So this moment
Was the affirmation
Of my comeback
I knew this wasn't the end
This was the beginning
Only the beginning

You can never know
How fast a runner is
At the beginning of the race
We just believe
That they're ready
It is when they begin to pace
That we truly appreciate
I felt that way

My phone vibrated
I glared at it's screen
It was my mom
She sent a text
She had just arrived
To uphold my achievements

I felt someone pat my back
I shot back to reality
I looked above
It was my friend
Reminding me
To get in line
The time had come
I stood up

I felt eyes on me
Envious eyes
Of the other students
Who came
To witness the success
Of students like me

The speaker
Announced my name
I took a step forward
I walked up the stairs
It didn't matter
My failures didn't matter
The fact is I achieved
That was why I was invited
In the first place
To this pleasant ceremony

I felt deserving
When the guest speaker
Gave me my certificate
And shook my hand
We posed for a quick picture
I heard the crowd cheer

I stood on stage
I recalled whatever it was
That the guest speaker said before
I felt inspired
I smiled at the thought
They will be seeing
A lot more of me
Here, every school term.
Yesterday, on the 24th of September, I went for a school function - Merit Award Ceremony. I never thought I would make it to be invited to this. I underestimated myself. It was God's doing, surely.
Sep 2014 · 1.4k
Blessing of tranquillity
Towela Kams Sep 2014
I felt low, down and ashamed
The real description of my pain
My troubles were enough to run me insane
The mind-twisting happenings were no funny game

The pressure and tension came everyday
The loyalty to God still remained the same
The zeal for more of Him surely came
I was built everyday, by my confession of the Father's reign

I heard the angel of God call my name
Redeem me, heal me from my inner pain
For this very good reason he came
To help me get up on my feet again

I listened to what He had to say
Absorbed as words slowly came
I began to understand His way
Listened as he recited my name

"Don't give up, my friend
Not after all the efforts you've spent
The Heavenly Father has seen you repent
Be grateful for the misery has come to an end

The blessing of tranquillity, to you I bestow
My God the Father, shall save you from sorrow
The time has come for you to reap what you have sown
Your humble heart enabled spiritual growth

You've proven to be obedient,
listened when you were told
Instructions have been sent,
For there's much more to unfold
He bought you at a price, for your life you sold.
Your submission has earned you eternal gold"

Excitement lit my face as I heard the angel explain
His visit was to bring a remarkable change
This life I live was never the same
The wonderful works of God.. were worth more than any fame!
This is from my heart; the inner part of my heart where Christ dwells.
Towela Kams Sep 2014
I'm sorry I was acting up today
For the first time in never,
I won't try justify myself with the right words to explain.
There's no expedient for my misery
I won't blame it on the troubles I encounter each day.

Yes, I'm drained.
I feel like my life is melting away
And there's nothing I can do to remain
There's so many people I'm tempted to blame

The poignancy is creeping in once again
I can hardly find the appropriate words to say
I shiver when melancholy utter my name
It giggles as I try to refrain

Everything to lose, nothing to gain
Everyone to go, no one to stay
I fear that my heart will be empty someday

I'll shy away from shame
I'll get through this lurid phase
For tomorrow is a brand new day.
I know I'll be okay.
There's always hope, there's always going to be hope.

— The End —