To the boy I met two days ago,
With words designed to suit the solitude I've wanted me heart to cave in.
And the smile that made security no longer appear as a faraway myth but was now as close to me as your inhale and exhale across my neck.
I could feel your heartbeat,
And the way it raced marathons to convince me that it wasn't just oxygen you were taking in, but with each inhale was a piece of me I'll never be able to recover.
And when you held me, I reluctantly allowed the walls of my mind to romp into temporary forevers
But soon I was yet to discover an abstract truth
From what you whispered in my left ear.
You'd given me detailed descriptions of your childhood games that were enough for me to conclude that you liked to play -
With stones
And sticks
And Lego bricks
But never,
Never did I think you were capable of playing a round of hide-and-go-seek with my feelings.
I feel kisses on my cheek,
As I continue reminiscing about the first words you spoke to me,
that night.
If only I'd known your "Hello" was filled with deceit that concealed it's rise to defeat me.
I was under the impression that a fall into an empty ditch of your promises wouldn't leave me scarred.
To the boy I met two days ago,
You asked me why I struggle with trust issues,
Knowing **** well that two days later you'd reaffirm my bitterness for your entire species.
Don't call me stupid.
Don't even mouth the word, "Crazy"
I remember.. that night.
Being oblivious to everything you uttered,
I took all of it to heart.
And everyone knows I usually doubt a guy's intentions at the start
But this time
This time I was just as naive as those girls I tease for believing in guys like you.
Hypocrisy -
That's what I became a product of.
Even now, I'm still trying so desperately to have a little faith in the things you're telling me.
This - This isn't a merry-go-round, right?
You won't take me to Cloud Nine and then tell me to jump off, right?
Tell your girlfriend I said hey.
Go hide the fact that you asked me out that night,
Then made me feel guilty for saying no.
The next time you see her, look deep into her eyes and tell her that she's the only girl you're currently seeing
Be tormented by the clips of dejavu when you realize you that you;ve said those words to me before.
I want you to know that it took a lot for me to actually believe you,
And to have you take that for granted is obscene.
So I've made up my mind:
No more tossing and turning trying to get sleep at night,
No more getting to close to a guy that they can almost smell the vulnerability in me.
No more sweet talks.
No more intimacy that I feel the temptation rising to give in.
No more being another soul ready for your hands to take advantage of.
No words that seem to good to be true that they aren't.
No more smiles and no more laughter will ever have to be seen.
To the boy I met two days ago,
I left out one thing that night:
I'm an artist.
And I've drawn an all-new perception of you now
The old one, wasn't honest enough
And now, neither is your love for me.

I await the day poetry will be recongnised
When people don't just view words, they read lives.

"I Wasn't Ready" by J. Andre

As I was tying my shoes, buttoning my shirt, took my wallet just to be alert, 'cause we all know some girls like the money, I never knew I wasn't ready.

As I put on my coat for courage to keep warm in this cold world, as I made sure my face looked pretty 'cause girls love guys who have beauty on the outside I've been told, I never knew I wasn't ready.

As I met her at the corner of the shopping mall with her outstanding beauty, LOL I'm using words my grade 1 teacher would grade me with, I never knew I wasn't ready.

I could see and hear all the warning signs:
"Stop!!"
"Don't go there!!"
"Warning!!"
"May become too dangerous!!"
Still, it didn't click to me, I never knew I wasn't ready.

I kept on persisting and chasing after her till she was my girl, me getting access through the danger zone would not only hurt me, but change me.
Not physically, but mentally.
Not fast, but slowly.

I changed from who I was to who I wasn't supposed to be. I couldn't take the burden unlike camels in the desert standing the burning, I knew I wasn't ready to be with someone who would change me and drive me to the pit of hell without my seat belt on..

But all I decided to do was stay, maybe because of the insecurities of this world.
No, because I had to make a decision quick that I hadn't taken a course for, I now knew, I wasn't ready..

For quite a while you've been questioning my understanding of how things have come to be.
You've been wondering why my so-called love is not prospering and you don't lie when you say you've tried everything. So you keep coming back like a new-born baby dying for love from daddy.

It appears to me
That your insecurities and flaws are all results of my wrongs but I'd never admit to being the one at fault if it had to cost me kneeling down on the floor and confessing that the minute I walked out on you, my whole life went on pause.

And even though I was crowded by many, I felt discomfort in the midsts of applause. My lust for popularity gain had strangled me up again the wall and I was left with no one to call.

See, after the last time you saw me I took matters into my hands and asked the devil for a dance because he seemed like the latest trend but the second he swept me off my feet and removed my blindness to see, I had my conscience open to a Towela severely broken.

It had been a while since we had spoken so I didn't know whether to reach out or stay speechless. Because the sight of the broken you took my breath away and hardly in the good way because I felt guilty. Tell me, how else was I going to be able to swallow my inequity rather than practising ignorance?

My soul is filthy and reeking of deeds I rushed into without thinking. I attempted wishful thinking. I pushed you out of the way and tried going on dates with darkness and she introduced me to wicked play. But Towela, don't hate the player, hate the game.

I'm sorry for not being able to be sorry. For depicting the direction of your life story and forcing you to cope with such deviation.

Last night, in a dream I saw you. And this time you looked amazing. Your once teary eyes had healed and there was no sign of what had once been. For the period of 11 years I lived with you, I had never seen you smile the way you did with the One who was with You. I'm not love but I can tell what He has for you is real. I reached out my hand because I envied what He was doing to your heart - renewing it and teaching it how to love.

And so I wept. I wept because I would've wanted to be who He was to you and do the responsibility He gave me to You. As I speak to you, I'm in this state of regret-filled thoughts like "I could've, I should've, I would've."

We've switched lanes. You have fulfilment and satisfaction while I suffer from immense pain. You may think I'm insane but trust me when I say I know that for the first time, you're secure Towela, you're safe.

On that note, there's another confession I'd like to make. The so-called love I supplied with you all these years was fake. You were so caught up in my game that You never thought to seek God's face so by default, I always won. No one would blame you if you began to call me a con.

The One you're with is love and in him there is no wrong. So you can sit back and relax because in Him, there are no traces of insecurity or inequity - there is no sin. There is no heart that bleeds or soul that roams aimlessly hurting and seeking for love from anything worldly.

But wait, I just caught sight of Him embrace you. And half a smile was what I could offer at this view. He took up my responsibility, paid whatever debts I had been owing you, destroyed the one who tried destroying you and resurrected your life so it could be brand new.

And if I gained permission to see Him, I'd tell Him 'Thank You I've seen the way she's happy whenever she's with You and I know that without You, my daughter would have been gone before her time was due.'

You contribute to poetry in ways I can't explain.
Don't be persuaded to believe your writing is in vain,
No matter what they say.

"As a Christian, what is it that you have to offer to this world?"

Quiet? Yeah. I felt the same earlier on today.
Think about it. Pray about it.
Be blessed,x .

The burning question: What is Christmas and what's the meaning of Christmas?

Christmas is the birth of Jesus Christ, God's only Son. It was the start of forgiveness of sins and a perpetual end to condemnation in the world. It's the sole reason for our celebration although over the years, non-believers have managed to manipulate the Church into believing that the only way to celebrate Christmas is by going out of your path to prove a point to close family members and friends regarding your financial status - or lack of it. Indeed, oftentimes, we Christians result in borrowing money and taking out loans so as to reach up to impossible standards that have been self-imposed. Unfortunately, I don't believe that along the lines of shallow displays of lust for money are we acknowledging the true meaning of Christmas.

On the other hand, some choose to celebrate Christmas by buying extravagant gifts to show deep feelings of love to particular persons. They believe that the centre and emphasis of Christmas is solely based on giving gifts instead of understanding the depth of God's given gift. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for Him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognise what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.

This Christmas, I would like you to reflect with me on the main reason Christ was born. His birth was a perfect reminder of God's love for us. In addition to that, may we truly accept His Son, Jesus, who personally took on the human condition, entering the disordered mess of struggling humanity in order to set it right once and for all.
To Christians, may this remind us to maintain our salvation with fear and trembling.
To those who haven't already accepted Christ, may this cause you to accept His personal call to you with a willing and humble spirit.
To all, may we return to Christ, our First Love.

With that being said, I would like to conclude by wishing you all a Merry Christmas and a prosperous new year.

As I feel my mind romp
Ceaselessly into the past
I twitch to it's sight
And I know I'm scared
All my happy thoughts
Are interrupted by obscure memories
Dark, grey flashbacks
Reminding me that I'm chained
To a world of immense pain

Helpless and crushed
I seek a permanent solution
I attempt to find peace
In what the world offers me
Indirectly, I'm sitting upon
Invisible dough of deceit
Concealing it's strategy to defeat me
Reminding me that I'm chained
To a world of immense pain

The chains are visible now
A keyhole appears in clear view
The more I allow fear in my thoughts
The more the keyhole diminishes
So I give my first shot at faith
Believing first, forget seeing
The master key to save me
Reminding me that I'm free
From a world of immense pain

So I've drawn up my conclusion:
I choose believing over seeing
That my inner heart be wholly converted
Than my eyes merely convinced.
For everything I see tells me not to believe
And everything I believe tells me not to see
The two contradict each other
So what do I choose?
Faith over fears
I'd rather believe then give into my tears.

"So I choose believing over seeing. That my heart be wholly converted than my eyes merely convinced."
- Towela Kams

I won't allow you
To question me
On old, broken mirrors
And old, shattered dreams
I won't let you see me
Based solely
On what the world did to me
Through the eyes of self-pity
So to answer your questions
Yes, I'm doing just fine
With all that has happened
I found a way to survive
Not by myself though,
I can't stand here and lie
I had some extra help
Something divine

I've never really liked the idea of culture
How it supports the African man
For the sins he commits
In closed doors

He calls his father and uncles
And reports his wife from youth
Says she doesn't do anything right
Says she doesn't respect him

Almost immediately,
His Uncle grins
He is reminded that
He once had the same problem

Recites the same words
That he was moulded into
As a young groom
To his wife from youth,

"It's true, they never do anything right.
They don't respect. They don't respect!"

His wife's mother is listening
She has flashbacks as well
From back in her day
She tells her, what her mom told her,

"Don't answer back, Mo. Don't defend yourself. When you're wrong, you shut up. Even when you're right, you shut up!"

She's astonished, but she accepts.
She goes with her husband
To their matrimonial land
As he continues to mock her

On arrival, they meet a lady
The African body, with braids hanging from her head
Beads on her hair, waist and feet
Standing all so proud

"Esther!" He cries. "What--are--you--doing--here?"
"I'm pregnant for you baby!"
"What?!" "Really?!"
"Yes love!"

Mo is about to scream now
Esther has always been a threat to her marriage
But when she tried telling Wanjala, he would lay his hands on her each time
So she keeps quite about the events she witnessed, a month ago, with Wanjala's brother, Sam, and Esther in bed together.

Sam was a good lad. He respected women.
He loved Esther very much. But so did Wanjala.
Wanjala stole her heart recently, simply through a flash of a few coins to her.
Sam was not wealthy as Wanjala.

Esther's baby could belong to Sam.
She can't tell Sam because he never knew about Wanjala's affair with his girlfriend.
She heeds to her mother's advice.
She keeps her mouth shut, like the African woman she is.

She remembers what happened earlier
When she overheard what her uncles said
Her husband had falsely accused her of adultery
And yet, here he is today, receiving the fruits of it.

* The END

Consider every natural ability, talent and/or strength as something simply borrowed to you.
Guard it.
Make the most out of it.
Use it only for good.
This is the only way to ensure humility.

A 'friend' once said,
"Never take anything a guy says to heart. We lie. We break hearts. We take advantage of good people."
I didn't understand at first.
Over the next months, I realised that he had become the manifestation of his own words.

Have you ever had a friend..
Who kinda like, envies you?
I'm not talking about physical insecurities..
Because we all have those
I mean, like, where they always wanna be on top?
And they somehow underestimate you?
And when you begin to step up.. To up your game..
They feel threatened
And somehow stop talking to you?
Because they feel like..
They are the only ones destined for greatness?
Boy, I didn't see this one coming!
Someone I've known for over a decade
Sees the need to compete with me
Over worthless material?

Lesson for all: They are your "friend" only until you become competition.

People say, "Towela? Wisdom beyond her years!"
I say, "Experience far beyond my years. I just chose to turn bad experiences into lessons to teach others."

I woke up this morning
And I stared at the ceiling for a while
I did the unthinkable
I woke up
I rushed to my mirror
And looked at my square face
I said to myself, "Towela?"
I felt weak to the sound of my own name
I continued, "I'm sorry. For everything. The life you've had to live, mostly."
I stared at my eyes, I couldn't see much
My eyes were blurred with tears
"I know you've always wanted to hear these words from people that have hurt you before and they don't have the heart to say them to you.
For one reason or the other, they don't think you're important or worth apologising to. I just thought I should let you hear me say them. Maybe you'll feel better."
I stopped. I wanted to see the reaction of my reflection. It just stood there, blunt.
It's always been like that with me.
There's always been two MEs.
One of them is really weak, she's emotional, she needs love, she needs attention and she needs hope because she's always on the verge of giving up.
The other one, she's really tough, she's been there for the Weak ME. She's everything she needs.
If they were to meet each other in different bodies, I'm sure they would be lovers.
Because they've always lived like that, just the two of them.
And they've made my whole body, mind and soul to believe that I would never find someone so emotional and understanding as Weak ME and I would never find someone so encouraging and caring yet strong as Strong ME.

Yesterday, I was on my way to the mall and I decided to use public transport.
There was this odd man in the bus, who spoke in a very peculiar tone.
I heard him speak our local language, shouting, "I beat her yesterday! My wife came home late from work yesterday and I beat her! I slapped her! I ****** her! I kicked her!"
I was sitting in the back, and I thought that maybe this was just a joke. Even still, it was a rather morose "joke".
The man beside him, his friend, exclaimed in heavy laughter saying, "Yes, my friend, that's what we do. They'll learn to respect us. And they'll learn that they should not do just as they please!"
The man replied, "That's true! She must be thankful I brought her from the village and into the city. She shouldn't even be working. She should be home, being a housewife."
At this point in time, the elderly woman beside me shot a glance to the men behind her.
It could've been that she had experienced abuse, too, in her earlier years of marriage.
I knew she was stunned and I knew she wanted to say something, just as I did but didn't know how to structure her words.

I'm fourteen. And I'm very lucky to be born in modern day where abuse isn't tolerated and education for women is recommended.
It's more than "just" education. It's empowerment.
And that's what a lot of women don't understand.
I won't be quick to blame them for staying in such an abusive relationship.
Not that I'm encouraging that they stay, or anything.
I know that sometimes they stay because they can't leave.
There's their children they can't leave behind
I think it's high time society appreciated women, they go through more than we can imagine
Physical abuse is one thing, emotional abuse is the deadliest
And the scars left on these women's lives is irreversible
They learn to reduce themselves to this HORRENDOUS "lifestyle" that people from long ago accustomed to
Education is the key to success; you best believe that
Over the next few years, I want to hear the story of the girl who witnessed and sometimes endured abuse
And how she used her experience to help fellow girls
And how she further grew up to help empower women
I want that girl to be me
To be the mouthpiece for women
And it all begins today.

As my mother has said before, "If he even ATTEMPTS/THREATENS/ to hit you, LEAVE."
Due to circumstances that abusers usually encounter in their early stages of life, abuse isn't something you can easily rectify. It's not a cycle that can be broken.
So, L E A V E.
Close the door to abuse, open the door to happiness and success. Especially when you have the key to open it; Education - the key to success.

Thank you,
Towela Kams [Future women-advocate]

I don't remember much
I remember sitting with my mom
She said something that triggered me emotionally
I ignored it, I zoned out
I excused myself
I came to my room
I closed the door
I lay in my bed
Enduring the pain
Of my emotional misfortune
As well as the physical pain
From my pounding head
For some reason
I caught sight of my chest
I could see my nightdress
And I could see my heart
Trying as much as it can
To shy away from the pain
I felt it sink into hiding
I wish there was something
Something I could do for it
It's always been there for me
All the grenades it's caught for me
The scars it's bared for me
The cracks it's cemented for me
I felt a tear fall from my right eye
I was stunned, I touched my tear
I tasted it, salty taste of melancholy
That was weird for me
Because I haven't cried in 12 months
I wasn't expecting to cry
I never thought I would cry
Then I felt it
That feeling you get
When you drown yourself
In your own river of tears

I'm tired of seeing people go free
With no conscience
And no misery
Living their lives
So simply
Unable to see
What they're actually
Doing to me.

It's God's Spirit in me
Why I don't break easily
Because if it was up to me
I wouldn't let them be
If it was in my hands
I'd **** them mercilessly
If it was my decision to make
I'd bring them to their knees.

If my heart has grown cold
There Your love will unfold
As You open my eyes to the work of Your hand
When I’m blind to my way
There Your Spirit will pray
As You open my eyes to the work of Your hand
As You open my eyes to the work of Your hand


Oceans will part nations come
At the whisper of Your call
Hope will rise glory shown
In my life Your will be done


Present suffering may pass
Lord Your mercy will last
As You open my eyes to the work of Your hand
And my heart will find praise
I’ll delight in Your way
As You open my eyes to the work of Your hand
As You open my eyes to the work of Your hand

Would you listen to me if I said I've once been deceived to believe
That I was born to be chained and never freed ?
Born to be
A laughing stock to my haters
A stepping stone for my oppressors
A naïve girl to my betrayers

What if I told you that at the age of 5,
I wanted to die ?
That because of my past, I wanted to commit suicide ?
I remember being in the kitchen, holding tight a knife
Then I heard a voice within me scream, "It's not your time!"

Would you take my advice if I asked you to pray ?
And if you do it with a contrite spirit,
Angels will come your way ?
And if you do it with consistency,
Your blessings won't delay ?
And if you do it with humility,
Your soul will be saved ?

This is for the girl who saw the stars in the darkness
She took a mid-night walk to gaze at the beauty behind the dark skies,
She embraced this particular time of day
While we pay too much attention.. To the time..
It's time that limits our dreams, and makes us focus on our fears..
It's the time that brings out the best in our weaknesses and forces us into panic mode, no hope for the best.
There is no hope in a mind that finds comfort in time-consciousness
Because you see.. While we're pacing up and down and round and round
Going about our lives, meeting deadlines,  making ends meet..
This girl is gazing at the beauty of the stars
She doesn't focus on the darkness that is of majority around that bright star she centres her eyes on
The negativity is present but she can't see it
She doesn't see anything else
She has her mind set on one thing
She has her gaze fixed directly before her
She spends winter nights, summer nights looking at the stars
She sees hope
She sees favour
She sees grace
And the only reason she's able to put her worries aside is because she has a sound mind
She has her problems, of course, but her meditation has had her manipulated into peace
She's happy
She used to dream happiness
Now she lives peace
Unaware of the surroundings of this star she has her mind on, she begins to look at herself much as she looks at the star
She's alone
She's shinning bright
But nobody takes notice
She digs deeper
She's shinning bright
Even when no one takes notice
She says to herself, "I shine bright like the stars, I shine bright like the beautiful stars. Let these people go about their busy lives, making ends meet, depending on their strengths and having their weaknesses get the better of them. Their afraid because they can't trust in God. Their fears reveal where they trust God the least. But this is who I am, this is what I'm born for. This is God's plan for me."

One answer to a twisted, perplexed question.
Why are you pale?
Choosing your words properly? Everything you say will be used for either reconstruction or destruction within me.
I want you close your eyes and think about this - horrible flashbacks.
I want you to feel the guilt you made me feel.
I'm not sure I deserved it.
Let's see how far your immaturity will take you.
Lee's watch your pride devour you.
It doesn't seem like I'll be getting closure
So I'll keep an eye on you
And watch you search for closure
Closure from yourself
From your own stupidity
Question your own actions
See what they costed you

And when you fall
Get right back up
People aren't
Always there
To pick you up
Too busy
Or whatever
Just get up
Someone will appreciate
Your worth, one day.
And you'll be glad
You'll realise
That all you did
Was a path to them
In disguise

You know what I go through
And you allow it for a reason
You give me grace to help me
In each and every season.

I was afraid at first
I couldn't face my surroundings
I was lost
I had no courage or security
I wanted to ask God for help
I wanted to plead to the Father
I heard a voice tell me I'm stupid for thinking I'm "worthy"
I felt it recite that I'm useless for mercy
I started to believe that, in the end, it's just me
I was weak
I tried to have faith in me
I thought I was able to save me
I realised this was above me
I acknowledged that only divine power could save me

Yesterday
I'm sitting in my bed
Thinking, "yesterday"
A few hours ago
It all happened
And it gave me hope
I hadn't felt like that
In quite a while
It was beautiful
Yesterday

It's been so long
A lot has happened
I spent less time on me
I spent more time on them
I lost me
In finding them

So I sat in the crowd
In the presence
Of friends and families
Haters and liars
Back-stabbers and betrayers
It didn't matter
This was my time
I looked at the wall
I saw a cloth printed
"Merit Award Ceremony"

I fell into a trance
While the guest speaker
Gave his speech
In half an hour
He would give me a handshake
One I truly deserved

I felt my heart sink
My spirit kneel
I could hear my heart beat
And so could everyone around me
I was shy
I wasn't used to this
I've always been smart
But lately
I had dimmed
A lot had happened

So this moment
Was the affirmation
Of my comeback
I knew this wasn't the end
This was the beginning
Only the beginning

You can never know
How fast a runner is
At the beginning of the race
We just believe
That they're ready
It is when they begin to pace
Accelerating
That we truly appreciate
I felt that way
Yesterday

My phone vibrated
I glared at it's screen
It was my mom
She sent a text
She had just arrived
To uphold my achievements

I felt someone pat my back
Persistently
I shot back to reality
I looked above
It was my friend
Reminding me
To get in line
The time had come
I stood up
Confidently

I felt eyes on me
Envious eyes
Of the other students
Who came
To witness the success
Of students like me

The speaker
Announced my name
I took a step forward
I walked up the stairs
It didn't matter
My failures didn't matter
The fact is I achieved
That was why I was invited
In the first place
To this pleasant ceremony

I felt deserving
When the guest speaker
Gave me my certificate
And shook my hand
We posed for a quick picture
I heard the crowd cheer

I stood on stage
I recalled whatever it was
That the guest speaker said before
I felt inspired
Motivated
Strengthened
I smiled at the thought
They will be seeing
A lot more of me
Here, every school term.

I felt low, down and ashamed
The real description of my pain
My troubles were enough to run me insane
The mind-twisting happenings were no funny game

The pressure and tension came everyday
The loyalty to God still remained the same
The zeal for more of Him surely came
I was built everyday, by my confession of the Father's reign

I heard the angel of God call my name
Redeem me, heal me from my inner pain
For this very good reason he came
To help me get up on my feet again

I listened to what He had to say
Absorbed as words slowly came
I began to understand His way
Listened as he recited my name

"Don't give up, my friend
Not after all the efforts you've spent
The Heavenly Father has seen you repent
Be grateful for the misery has come to an end

The blessing of tranquillity, to you I bestow
My God the Father, shall save you from sorrow
The time has come for you to reap what you have sown
Your humble heart enabled spiritual growth

You've proven to be obedient,
listened when you were told
Instructions have been sent,
For there's much more to unfold
He bought you at a price, for your life you sold.
Your submission has earned you eternal gold"

Excitement lit my face as I heard the angel explain
His visit was to bring a remarkable change
This life I live was never the same
The wonderful works of God.. were worth more than any fame!

I'm sorry I was acting up today
For the first time in never,
I won't try justify myself with the right words to explain.
There's no expedient for my misery
I won't blame it on the troubles I encounter each day.

Yes, I'm drained.
I feel like my life is melting away
And there's nothing I can do to remain
There's so many people I'm tempted to blame

The poignancy is creeping in once again
I can hardly find the appropriate words to say
I shiver when melancholy utter my name
It giggles as I try to refrain

Everything to lose, nothing to gain
Everyone to go, no one to stay
I fear that my heart will be empty someday

I'll shy away from shame
I'll get through this lurid phase
For tomorrow is a brand new day.
I know I'll be okay.